SLearning to Feel Good About Yourself

Pm 1322 Revised October 2001

A Valuable AssetHaving a good sense of one’s ownworth, or high self-esteem, is the mostimportant asset a person can have.People who feel good about them-selves can cope better in difficultsituations than those who feel unsureof themselves. In fact, people whohave low self-esteem may haveproblems dealing with relatively minorproblems.

Most people were raised to be goodchildren, and later, good productiveadults. Some people were raised withthe almost impossible expectation tobe perfect. Yet, the fact is that humanbeings are not perfect. All people fallshort of their own expectations andsometimes they disappoint others aswell. However, people who have highself-esteem continue to feel goodabout themselves even when theymake mistakes or when otherscriticize them. On the other hand,people who have low self-esteem areat the mercy of the opinions of thosearound them, When others arepleased with them they feel good, butwhen others are disappointed orangry with them, they feel worthless.

Where does high self-esteem comefrom? Throughout our lives othersgive us messages about our skills,lovability, and value. First, parents andother family members provide mes-sages for self-esteem. Later, teachers,friends, and classmates communicatethese messages and later still, ourboss, spouse, and children helpshape self-esteem. Love, acceptance,and appreciation of the person,including limitations as well as abili-ties, add to feelings of high

self-esteem. However, people whofound little love or acceptance in theirchildhood can learn ways to build theirown self-esteem.

What Hurts Self-esteem?Most people discover that they have agood sense of self-worth when thingsare going well. During difficult times orperiods of great change, the future ismore uncertain and it’s easy to feelless confident about oneself andabilities. This is especially true whenfamily members and friends havedifficulty supporting each other.

The events or problems that can oftenlower self-esteem for adults include:

• Severe financial stress;• An unfamiliar new job;• Loss of job;• Working for a critical or unapprecia-tive boss;• Loss of a loved one;• Children growing up and leavinghome;• A move to a new community;• Serious behavior problems of a childor teen;• Divorce, separation, or difficultiesrelating to a spouse;• A physical disability;• Development of serious healthproblems; and• Chemical dependency or addiction.

However, steps can be taken to raisea damaged sense of self-esteem.Consider these examples of how sixpeople handle difficult situations. Notehow their self-esteem is affected ineach case.

Sue and BarbSue enjoyed being a fulltime wife andmother She had time to do things withand for her husband, Jim, and theirtwo children that she couldn’t havedone if she’d been working outsidethe home. The children’s schoolactivities filled many evenings andweekends. She usually enjoyed thehousekeeping tasks that some of herfriends complained about—especiallycooking, gardening, sewing, anddecorating. She was proud of her ownabilities, as well as the achievementsof her husband and children.

Things changed after the childrenfinished high school. Her oldest, Ann,went to college and got a teachingdegree. Sue was proud of her daughterand pleased when Ann got a good jobin another part of the state. But hernew location and busy teachingresponsibilities meant that sometimesthere would be months between visits.Sue missed having Ann come homeon weekends so they could spendtime together and catch up on eachother’s news. Her son, Mark wasnewly married and busy with his ownlife.

Sue was proud of her children’ssuccesses, but something wasmissing in her own life. She hadn’trealized how much of her time andenergy had been devoted to thechildren and their activities.

Some of Sue’s favorite homemakingactivities were no longer as fulfilling,either.

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Sue often found herself wonderingwhat was left for her and what contri-bution, if any, she was making. Sheand Jim seemed to have less incommon to talk about since thechildren had moved away. Many ofSue’s friends were working and shewas often lonely during the day. Onlya few years ago, she had had plentyto do and felt good about herself.Gradually, she began to feel shewasn’t worth much to herself oranyone else.

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Barb was in a similar situation.

She, too, went through a majoradjustment when her children lefthome. For many years the mainactivities for Barb and her husband,Tom, had revolved around their threechildren. But all was different now.Their two oldest were married andone lived out of state. The youngestwas still in college but worked week-ends and many vacations. Most of thetime, it was just Barb and Tom.

There was certainly an empty spotinside Barb after the last of thechildren grew up. She sometimes feltquite lost without all the noise andactivity, the day-to-day problems tosolve, and the feeling of beingneeded.

Many of the friends she used to dothings with were working and Barb,too, considered getting a job. But theydidn’t need the money and Tom oftenhad to work at night. If Barb got a job,she would see even less of herhusband. She knew that while theyeach needed to do their “own thing”part of the time, it was also importantfor them to learn to relate to eachother again as husband and wife—theway they did before the kids came—and that meant spending time to-gether.

Barb knew that she needed to use herenergy in new ways. She neededsome contact with other people tohelp with the loneliness. She made alist of several possible new activitiesfor herself—volunteer work at the

hospital, taking an office in her churchwomen’s group, deliveringmeals-on-wheels to homeboundelderly, joining an exercise class atthe YMCA, and taking an eveningadult class at the high school. Wisely,she decided she couldn’t handle toomany new things at once, so shedecided to first try one thing and addnew activities later.

It felt good to have a plan. She startedby signing up for an aerobics class.She was a little nervous when shewent the first time but she recognizeda couple of women and became betteracquainted with them. Soon shelooked forward to going and madeplans to get together with one of thewomen outside class. Next in her planshe agreed to take a responsibleposition in her church group. Whenthe children were living at home, shedidn’t have the time or energy; butnow she was able to do a good job.She enjoyed the responsibility andwas proud to be able to help herchurch this way. Barb discovered thatas she became more involved, herspirits lifted and she had more energy.In time, she had plenty to do and feltgood about herself. She and Tom hadmore to talk about and they began toenjoy their time together. Barb hadgone from feeling displaced andlonely to feeling good about herselfagain.

Jean and MargeDuring the years she was home withtwo preschoolers, Jean had lookedforward to returning to work. She andDuane needed the money and shewas tired of spending all her time withlittle ones who were too young tocarry on a real conversation, So,when Jimmie started school Jean gota job as an office assistant for a largecompany. She knew it would bechallenging to find time for everythingbut she was excited about startingwork. Much to her surprise she wasable to master her new tasks quickly.Things were going well.

But after about six months on the job,Jean noticed she was feeling tenseand irritable at home. She often had a

headache by the end of the day atwork. She had thought Duane woulddo more around the house and withthe kids. She felt loaded with toomuch to do, both at work and athome. Her boss was happy with herwork but she was expected to domore and more in the office. Goingback to work was supposed to makethings better, but instead she wasfeeling more frustrated than she everhad at home with the kids. No matterhow hard she worked or how late shestayed up, she never seemed to getcaught up.

One day at lunch, she talked to hercoworker, Marge, about how hardthings were. Marge was a singleparent raising three school-agers.Even with all the responsibilities shehad, Marge usually seemed relaxedand good-natured. When Jean askedher how she managed everything,Marge became serious. “Well, it isn’t abed of roses for me either. When Iwas first divorced I just couldn’t seehow I could keep going—the kids, nomoney, the housework, and on top ofit we had to find another place to live.Then I got sick. But I think it was thebest thing that could have happenedbecause I went to a doctor who reallyhelped me see what I was doing tomyself. She told me that if I was goingto take care of the kids and keepeverything going, I would have tolearn to take care of myself andrealize that the kids were moreimportant than the housework. I tookher advice. I don’t worry if the houseisn’t just the way I’d like it. When Icome home and the house is a mess,I remember the money I’ve made thatday and I give the kids a hug. Then,together we clear the table and fixsupper. Once in a while my 13-year-old has a meal ready for us. It reallyhelps to remind myself that I can’t doeverything.”

After their conversation, Jean had alot to think about. If Marge hadlearned to make things better forherself, maybe she could too. Jeanmade a list of things she could do tomake her situation better. First on herlist, Jean decided to resign from a

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volunteer committee and spend thattime doing something fun just forherself. Then she thought about sittingdown with Duane and the kids to listhousehold chores that had to be doneeach week. Maybe it would work toplan a family outing each Saturdayafter everyone had helped with thechores. Next, she made up her mindto ask her parents to keep the kids fora weekend next month so she andDuane could have some time just tothemselves. She knew there wereother things she would have to dealwith, but at least this was a start.Maybe there wouldn’t be time orenergy to do everything the way sheused to, but she was determined tofind some ways to take care of herselfso she didn’t feel guilty and rushed allthe time.

Many women find themselves trying todo the impossible—being excellent atwork, being loving and available wivesand mothers, and keeping house theway they could if they were notworking outside the home. Whenthere isn’t enough time for everything,they often feel worried and guilty.

Concentrating on what is possible cango a long way toward a more bal-anced life.

The Difference Is in Self-esteemThe “empty nest,” a divorce, trouble atwork, or not having enough time to doa good job at any one thing—all cantrigger feelings of worthlessness. It’snot the situation itself that’s important,but rather how people choose to dealwith it. At first, Sue and Jean appar-ently didn’t think they could do any-thing about their problems. Instead,they seemed to simply accept theirfate of being unhappy. On the otherhand, Barb and Marge faced similarfeelings and decided they could dosomething about the situation. As theyworked on a plan, one step at a time,things got better. It was Barb’s andMarge’s attitude, their good feelings ofself-worth, and their plan that madethe difference.

Bill and JohnBill was excited when he got the jobhe’d been hoping for—designingsoftware for the computer system at agood-sized business downtown. Hewas glad he had taken the extracourses that helped him get the job.His new boss seemed pleased tohave him on board, and soon Bill fellinto the swing of things in the office.

At first, Bill was confident that hecould handle the job and he finishedhis first assignments without muchtrouble and on time. But after a fewmonths, he began to sense a lot oftension among co-workers. The boss,Mr. Peterson, seemed to play favor-ites. Bill started to worry aboutwhether he had made a wise decisionin accepting the job. He found himselfwaking up at night worrying about thesituation.

Bill had been working on a toughproject for more than a month whenMr. Peterson began to hover aroundhim, checking on his progress.Constant hovering by his boss madeBill nervous, and soon he was makingfoolish mistakes and getting furtherand further behind. One day,

Mr. Peterson was in a particularly badmood and caught Bill in an error. Itwas all Bill could do to keep fromcringing when his boss said, “I’ve surebeen wondering lately if I made amistake hiring you. You can’t seem todo anything right!”

If Bill had been unsure of his abilitiesbefore, he was even more unsurenow. He was afraid to talk about hisproblems with co-workers for fear theywould think less of him, He hadtrouble at home sharing what wasgoing on with his wife. Sometimes Billcould hear his dad’s voice as he hadwhen he was a boy, “If there’s anyway to mess a thing up, you’ll do it.”Bill didn’t want to quit his job, but hedidn’t know where to turn for help,either. His self-worth suffered and theknot in his stomach reminded him ofhis work problems even when he wasat home trying to relax.

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John had a similar job situation.

John was pleased when his boss, Mr.Miller, asked him to be parts managerat the automobile dealership where hehad worked as a floor salesperson fortwo years. He would have moreresponsibilities in the new position aswell as a good pay increase. He knewit would be hard to fill the shoes ofFrank, who had retired after 18 yearsas parts manager for the business.Frank knew the stock backwards andforwards and he knew his customersand what they needed. But John hadlearned new things before and he wasconfident he could do a good job.

The first few weeks at the new jobwent pretty well, even though Johnknew he wasn’t as efficient as Frankhad been. But after several months,John felt his boss was getting impa-tient with him. Mr. Miller didn’t like itwhen customers had to wait whileJohn searched through the stock andthe books to see if he had a part.

One day, when a customer made aspecial trip to the store from a neigh-boring town for a carburetor, John

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knew he was in trouble. Mr. Milleroverheard the customer yelling atJohn, “Boy, I don’t know what’s goingon around here. Frank always hadwhat I wanted in stock. This is thesecond time in two months I’ve madea trip over here for nothing.” Thecustomer was really angry and Johnknew he’d hear more about it laterfrom his boss.

After the customer left, Mr. Miller saidto John, “I just don’t know what we’regoing to do here, John. I’ve tried to bepatient with you, but I just can’t affordto get the customers so upset.” Johncould feel his face getting hot and hisheart thumping as his boss spoke. Heknew there was a problem and hewas starting to feel discouraged andincompetent. How could he ever catchup with the skills and knowledge thatFrank had?

That night when John went home, hisfamily could tell something waswrong. John hated to tell them aboutthe problems with his job. But heknew he was going to need somesupport to handle this job problem.After the children went to bed, Johntold his wife, Betty, about what wasgoing on at work. John discoveredthat it really helped to share hisfeelings and he felt encouraged toface the situation. Betty suggestedJohn go out for coffee with anotheremployee and get ideas on how toapproach Mr. Miller about the prob-lem.

A few days later, John met with Jerrywho had worked at the store for morethan 10 years. Jerry knew the bosswell and he had worked with Frank,John’s predecessor, for years. To-gether, John and Jerry came up with aplan to present to the boss. Jerrypointed out to John that no one couldlearn in a couple months what hadtaken Frank years to learn. The planincluded getting Frank to come backhalf-days for a few weeks to help Johnlearn the system. Jerry suggested thatJohn record specific tasks he com-pletes each day and how he spendshis time, They decided to meet again

in a week to go over how best toapproach Mr. Miller.

John felt relieved to be working on aplan and to have support from his wifeand Jerry. Instead of being depressedand overly anxious, he was able touse his energy to find a solution. Heno longer felt that the situation wasimpossible or that he was to blame forthe problem; rather, he simply neededsome help in learning how to handlethe job. He knew it would be difficult,but his wife and Jerry had convincedhim that he needed to discuss asolution with his boss.

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There are important differences in theway Bill and John handled their worksituations. Both men faced thepossibility of lowered self-esteembecause of criticisms by their bosses.Bill felt less sure of his abilities andeven about who he was as a person.He was afraid to talk to his family orco-workers about his problem, so hedidn’t receive their encouragement orsuggestions. He felt helpless to doanything to improve the situation.

In contrast, John decided to share hisproblem and get support. He discov-ered that he could take initiative inapproaching his boss to come up witha plan. Bill remained stuck while Johnmoved ahead toward the possibility ofa better job situation. Perhaps neitherBill nor John could work out a peace-ful solution with the boss, but theycould choose alternative ways to dealwith the problem, or, as the last resort,to leave the impossible situation.

A Conscious EffortIn these examples, four individualstook steps to deal with their problemsand began to feel better about them-selves.

You, too, can learn to face problemsand new situations in ways that buildyour self-esteem. Being with otherpeople who see you as a valuableperson can give you a real boost. Youcan also learn to give yourself thecompliments you would like to hearfrom others. You can put the day’stasks on a list, enjoy checking off oneafter another, and learn to feel goodabout small things. Most of all, youcan learn to separate your ownvalue from negative things in workor family.

The following techniques can buildself-esteem.

• Share problems with a friend orrelative by using the telephone orinviting them over. Say something like,“I’ve been kind of worried lately and Ithought it would help to talk. Do youhave a few minutes?”

• Think of an inexpensive activity foryou and your spouse or another adultto enjoy. Have friends over. Go for apicnic or go fishing. Try walking or gojogging together.

• Take time for yourself each week todo something fun, perhaps a hobby.Everyone will benefit when you’remore relaxed.

• Allow time for physical exerciseseveral days a week to “work off yourworries.”

. . . and justice for allThe U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibitsdiscrimination in all its programs and activities on thebasis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion,age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, andmarital or family status. (Not all prohibited basesapply to all programs.) Many materials can be madeavailable in alternative formats for ADA clients. To filea complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office ofCivil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th andIndependence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or call 202-720-5964.

Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work,Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation withthe U.S. Department of Agriculture. Stanley R.Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension Service,Iowa State University of Science and Technology,Ames, Iowa.

Prepared by Virginia K. Molgaard,extension family life specialist, Iowa StateUniversity. Reviewed/revised by ColleenJolly, family life specialist, Iowa StateUniversity.

File: Family Life 7

• Find a friend to exchange babysittingwith if you have young children. Thiscan give you time for yourself or yourmarriage.

• If your spiritual life has been asource of strength in the past, remindyourself to read, study, pray, ormeditate to strengthen your spiritualself.

• Learn to compliment yourself forsmall tasks accomplished. “What anice looking stack of clean clothes.”“I’m good at keeping our cars intip-top shape.” “How nice it is for thefamily to sit down together for a meal.”

• Start planning how to improve yoursituation. Get help from a friend or

family member to break the probleminto smaller parts; then look at smallsteps you can take one at a time toimprove your situation.

If these suggestions seem impossibleto try, it may be that you could benefitfrom seeing a counselor—a ministertrained in counseling, a psychologist,or a social worker. These profession-als are trained to help people dealwith problems in low self-esteem.Sometimes only a few sessions canhelp someone deal with a difficultsituation and feel better about himselfor herself.

It’s easy to come up with the “yes-but’s.” “Yes, but I really don’t have aclose friend. And I don’t have time to

get together with other people. I couldnever share my troubles with anotherperson.” Instead, try to see thepositive possibilities.

Of course, you have to create a planthat fits both you and your family. Ifyou don’t already have a close friend,it may be that finding a neighbor toshare some of your problems withmay help you turn an acquaintanceinto a good friend.

If you wait for the outside world toprovide you with healthy self-esteem,you can be easily disappointed. Realself-esteem comes from insideyourself and from friends who care.Nothing and no one can take awayyour worth as a person.