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Linda Graham, MFTlinda@lindagraham-mft.netwww.lindagraham-mft.netShift Happens:Learning to Bounce Back from Disappointment, Difficulty, or DisasterMARCSeptember 26, 2015Linda Graham, MFTMarriage and Family Therapist 25 yearsPsychodynamic, Attachment, Trauma, Mindfulness, Neuroscience

Meditation, Mindful Self-Compassion teacher

Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being

2013 Books for a Better life award2014 Better Books for a Better World award

linda@lindagraham-mft.netwww.lindagraham-mft.netAffectionate BreathingSit comfortably; breathe slowly and gently.Incline your awareness toward your breathing with tenderness and curiosityLet the body breathe itself; notice the natural nourishing and soothing of the bodyFeel the whole body breatheAllow the body to be gently rocked by the breathSavor the stillness and peace in the body

Shift HappensShit happensShift happens, tooShift can happen in this momentShift can happen in any momentThats the shiftShiftShift brain functioning in the moment

Shift responses to experience over time

Abide in a new way of being

MindfulnessPause, become present, focus attentionNotice and name experiencePractice self-compassion for whatever we are noticing; shift brain functioningStep back, reflect, inquireShift perspective, viewDiscern options, choose wise actionImagine walking down the streetNotice someone you know walking toward youWave hello! Theres no response. Notice your response to the lack of responseThe person notices you and waves hello!Notice your response to the responseNotice any differences in your responsesAutobiography in Five Short Chapters Portia NelsonII walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalkI fall in.I am lostI am helplessIt isnt my fault.It takes me forever to find a way out.

III walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I dont see it.I fall in again.I cant believe Im in the same placeBut, it isnt my fault.It still takes a long time to get out.

IIII walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there.I still fall inits a habitMy eyes are open, I know where I am.It is my fault.I get out immediately.IVI walk down the same streetThere is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it.VI walk down another street.-Portia NelsonSelf-CompassionMay I be kind to myself in this momentMay I accept this moment, exactly as it isMay I accept myself in this moment, exactly as I amMay I give myself all the compassion I needHand Gestures of Self-CompassionFists closedPalms open, facing upwardPalms extended and forwardPalms placed over heart

Self-Compassion BreakNotice moment of suffering, or inquire: Is there any suffering here?Ouch! This hurts! This is painful.Soothing touch (hand on heart, cheek, hug)Common humanity: Im not alone; Im not the only oneKindness toward experiencerMay I be kind to myself in this momentMay I accept this moment exactly as it isMay I accept myself in this moment exactly as I amMay I give myself all the compassion I need to respond to this moment wisely

Mindfulness and CompassionActivate Caregiving SystemMindfulnessFocuses awareness on experienceMay I accept this moment, exactly as it isSelf-CompassionFocuses kindness on experiencerMay I accept myself exactly as I am in this momentCommon HumanityI am not alone; I am not the only oneActivates caregiving systemShift from reactivity and contraction to openness, engagement

Benefits of Self-CompassionIncreased motivation; efforts to learn and growLess fear of failure; greater likelihood to try againTaking responsibility for mistakes; apologies and forgivenessMore resilience in coping with life stressorsLess depression, anxiety, stress, avoidanceHealthier relationships; more support and, less control and/or aggressionIncreased social connectedness, life satisfaction, and happinessSoles of the FeetStand up; feel soles of feet on the floorRock back and forth, rock side to sideMake little circles with your kneesLift each foot; place back downWalk slowly; notice changes in sensationsOffer gratitude to your feet that support your entire body, all day long ConditioningExperience causes neurons to fireRepeated experiences, repeated neural firingsNeurons that fire together wire togetherStrengthen synaptic connectionsConnections stabilize into neural pathways

Without intervention, is what the brain does

Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and negativeThe brain is shaped by experience. And because we have a choice about what experiences we want to use to shape our brain, we have a responsibility to choose the experiences that will shape the brain toward the wise and the wholesome.- Richard J. Davidson, PhDNew ConditioningChoose new experiencesFocused attention, compassionate listening, gratitude practice Create new thoughts, new experience of selfCreate new learning, new memoryEncode new wiringInstall new pattern of response, new habits, new ways of beingShift from Self-Critical Voice to Self-Compassionate VoiceLoving awareness of breathingLet a moment of discomfort arise; notice where you feel in the bodyNotice any critical self-talk; notice the words; notice the tone of voiceUse critical voice as cue to practice: May I be kind to myself in this moment; may I accept myself in this moment exactly as I am.Re-conditioningMemory de-consolidation re-consolidationLight up neural networksJuxtapose old negative with new positiveNeurons fall apart, rewireNew rewires oldRe-ConditioningResource with memory of someones compassion toward youEvoke compassion for your selfEvoke memory of someone being critical of you (or inner critic)Hold awareness of criticizing moment and compassionate moment in dual awarenessDrop the criticizing moment; rest in the compassionate moment.Modes of ProcessingFocused AttentionTasks and detailsDeliberate, guided changeNew conditioning and re-conditioningDe-focused AttentionDefault networkMental play space random changeDe-conditioningDe-ConditioningDefault networkDe-focusing, loosens grip of attentionCreates mental play space, free associationCan drop into worry, ruminationCan drop into plane of open possibilitiesBrain makes new links, associationsNew insights, aha!s new behaviors

De-ConditioningReverie, daydreamsImaginationGuided visualizationsGuided meditationsBrain plays, makes own associations and links, connect dots in new waysReflect on new insightsCompassionate FriendSit comfortably; hand on heart for loving awarenessImagine safe placeImagine warm, compassionate figure Compassionate FriendSit-walk-talk with compassionate friendDiscuss difficulties; listen for exactly what you need to hear from compassionate friendReceive object of remembrance from friendReflect-savor intuitive wisdomSense and Savor WalkFind a quiet place in nature; walk slowlyNotice colors, shapes, sounds, smellsLinger and savor, repeatNotice state of beingPost-Traumatic Growth75% Americans will experience potentially traumatizing event at least once in lifetime8% will develop PTSDMore than 50% will fully recover, finding meaning, deepening sense of self, stronger ties to community and common humanityPost-Traumatic GrowthAcceptance of reality; create the new narrativeSupport from family; belief in recoveryCommunity of the tribePositive re-framing; positive meaning of negative eventHelping othersAppreciate new life because of catastropheIntelligencesSomatic:Body-based equilibriumEmotional: managing ones own emotions and empathizing with others; compassionRelational: connect, heal heartache, access resources, navigate peopled worldReflective: conscious awareness, mindfulnessRewiring through MovementBody inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40 secondsBody moves into opposite posture (40 seconds)Body returns to first posture (20 seconds)Body returns to second posture (20 seconds)Body finds posture in the middle (30 secondsReflect on experiencePower PosingAmy Cuddy TED talkhttps://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_areBefore important meeting or interview:Stand tall and straight, like mountain pose in yogaLift your arms in triumphorPlace hands on hips (Wonder Woman)

33Kindness is more important than wisdom,And the recognition of that is the beginning of wisdom.- Theodore RubinDoing a kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise we have tested.- Martin SeligmanTake in the GoodNotice: in the moment or in memoryEnrich: the felt sense in the bodyAbsorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in bodyRepeat: 6 times a day, install in long-term memoryIncreasing the social connections in our lives is probably the single easiest way to enhance our well-being.- Matthew Lieberman, UCLAPositivity PortfolioAsk 10 friends to send cards or e-mails expressing appreciation of youAssemble phrases on piece of paperTape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor, carry in wallet or purseRead phrases 3 times a day for 30 daysSavor and appreciateThen it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in the eyes of the Divine. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, nor more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed. I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.- Thomas Merton

Brahma ViharasLoving KindnessCompassionSympathetic JoyEquanimity

Send and receive wishes to and from your partnerOne for Me; One for YouBreathing in, nourishing, nourishingBreathing out, soothing, soothingIn imagination, nourishing for me, nourishing for you, soothing for me, soothing for youOne for me, one for youPractice breathing one for me, one for you when in conversation with someone

Caregiving with EquanimityEveryone is on his or her own life journey.I am not the cause of this persons suffering,nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away,even if I wish I could.Moments like this are difficult to bear,Yet I may still try to help if I can.Shame De-Rails ResilienceShame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes we are capable of change. We cannot change and grow when we are in shame, and we cant use shame to change ourselves or others.- Brene Brown, PhDLove makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place.- Zora Neale Hurston

Love guards the heart from the abyss.- MozartJust that action of paying attention to ourselves, that I care enough about myself, that I am worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to unlock some of those deep beliefs of unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain.- Elisha GoldsteinReconditioningAnchor in present moment awarenessResource with acceptance and goodnessStart with small negative memoryLight up the networksEvoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirmsSimultaneous dual awareness (or toggle)Refresh and strengthen positiveLet go of negativeRest in, savor positiveReflect on shifts in perspectiveWished for OutcomeEvoke memory of what did happenImagine new behaviors, new players, new resolutionHold new outcome in awareness, strengthening and refreshingNotice shift in perspective of experience, of selfCoherent NarrativeThis is what happened.This is what I did.This has been the cost.This is what I learned.This is what I would do differently going forward.Mastering the art of resilience does much more than restore you to who you once thought you were. Rather, you emerge from the experience transformed into a truer expression of who you were really meant to be. - Carol Orsborn