Living & Loving in Recovery:

Finding the true you

Review from Last Class• Self-love• “ A state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our

physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love is dynamic; it grows by actions that mature us.”• Steps to self-love

• Self-forgiveness & other forgiveness exercises• Did we complete this? • If not, we will finish them together now • Then—instead of shredding them—we have a surprise

What’s on the agenda today?• Self-forgiveness & forgiving others letters• Releasing those letters into the universe for self-healing• TedX Talk: “Selecting the Right Relationship” by Alexandra Redcay• Building healthy relationships

Forgiveness Exercise• Write your letters or if complete, hand them in so I can photocopy

them• Then, we will release them

Finding the Right Relationship &

Building Healthy Relationships

Let’s Review:The Path of Loving when it isn’t right

• At first, it is beautiful and perfect (reward pathway is hijacked)• Then, we see the first red flag & IGNORE IT• Friends and family see the red flag• We attack our friends and family with DEFENSIVENESS• Over time, there are multiple red flags—the illusion of being in love however, is maintained (thank

you brain chemicals) • Then, friends and family intervene• Distance, isolation and fighting happens with friends and family• Friends and family get angry and separate from us • Then WE realize that the ILLUSION FAILS us• We are left in DESPAIR

Key PointsWhy do we repeat this vicious cycle?

• Love is controlled in the same way as addiction—our brains, biology, genetics, role models all play a role

• We are drawn to the danger• We disregard our friends and families• Love rules our mind• It acts like drugs, obsessions, and compulsions

Considering our emotions and perceptions of this love, we don’t allow the prefrontal cortex (rationalizer) to control feelings of love—therefore, we often ignore the signs.

Key PointsHow can we fix and STOP this cycle from repeating itself? • We need to open our hearts to a real self-assessment

• This means being HONEST with yourself and being a HEALTHIER version of you (emotionally, psychologically) • What are we so afraid of? Defences for staying in something unhealthy

• Get to know yourself. What are you looking for?• Seeking blind happiness will not be enough• Consider what your three most important questions are? What are the three deal breakers that you cannot live

without? Do you have more than three?• Be stubborn about the REALLY important stuff –consider your top questions and deal breakers

• Friends and family should meet the prospect (#1 Rule)• Within the first 3-5 dates (before the brain is hijacked by the chemicals of love)• Consider getting advice from friends and family or a consultant as you go along

• Pay attention to RED FLAGS every day• If you notice something that does not align with your top questions and deal breakers—be brave to walk away early as

it will only get more complicated.

What does a healthy relationship look like?

Characteristics of Healthy, Functional Romantic Relationships• Honesty & Accountability• Open communication• Negotiation and fairness• Economic partnership• Shared responsibility• Shared power• Respect• Trust & Support• Non-threatening behaviour• Intimacy• Physical affection• Personal integrity

Aspects Should Include• Mutual respect• Compassion• Empathy• Understanding• Acceptance • Honesty• Trust • Good communication• Consideration• Compatibility and mutual enjoyment• Personal integrity • Vulnerability

What does an unhealthy relationship look like?

Let’s read the handout.

Equality Wheel vs. Power and Control Wheel

Imago Dialogue• Can help us keep relationships fresh and can be used to resolve conflict in a

productive, “consciously committed” relationship

• Dialoguing can allow for true listening and understanding

• Recognizes that your partner is another person with his or her own bits that need to be understood

• Works on the foundation of safety—using mirroring, validation, and empathy

Any questions?