Fund Development Counsel

Lord Help Me!

By Mark Hamby

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Recommended Readings:

Inspired to adopt a similar moral code by emulating the characters that have now been etched into their awakened

conscience. Values realigned with Worth (strength, beauty, excellence, purity)

Rare Collector Series:Little ThreadsTeddy’s ButtonThe Missing PrinceLittle LambThe Basket of FlowersResolute Helen’s Temper Trust y: Tried and True

Other Resources:The Education of a Child (book/audio)Duties of ParentsAge of Opportunity: A Biblical GuideFamilies Where Grace is in Place The Mansion

    Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real connection with Stacy and she is so nice.   But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings', and the fact that she is much older than I am.She really is perfect for me and she told me that she would like to start a family right away.     Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I ready to take on this responsibility. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

                                Love, Your Son,                                           John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over  at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card, that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Perspective

“Those who desire to be perfect parents

really desire

perfect children

so that

their own imageis exalted.”

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Set boundaries for yourself first and then your children will be more willing to live within the ones set for them. Make yourself beloved by them, and they will be open with you; and they will not fear to let you see their faults.

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Be not too severe with the behavior that is not disguised from you. Do not

appear astonished or irritated at their bad dispositions; on the contrary, be compassionate to their weaknesses;

Sarah Edwards

Sarah Edwards knew how to make her children regard and obey her cheerfully, without loud angry words, much less heavy blows.  She seldom punished them, and in speaking to them, used gentle and pleasant words.  If any correction was necessary, she did not administer it in passion; when she had occasion to reprove and rebuke she would do it in few words, without noise; she had need to speak but once; she was cheerfully obeyed because she convinced her children of the reasonableness of her request; murmuring and answer again were not known among them. The kind and gentle treatment they received from their mother, while she strictly and punctiliously maintained her parental authority, seemed naturally to…promote a filial respect and affection, and to lead them to a mild, tender treatment of each other. Quarrelling and contention, which too frequently take place among children, were in her family unknown.She carefully observed the first appearance of resentment and ill will in her young children…showed her displeasure and suppressed it to the uttermost; yet not by angry, wrathful words, which often provoke children to wrath…Her system of discipline was begun at a very early age and it was her rule to resist the first, as well as every subsequent exhibition of temper or disobedience in the child…wisely reflecting that until a child will obey his parents he can never be brought to obey God. Samuel Hopkins, in Marriage to a Difficult Man, the Uncommon Union of Jonathan and Sarah Edwards.

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Show him always that you have command over yourself, always calm and

considerate; nothing will make him see it better than your patience and humility.

Watch for a fit moment for several successive days, if necessary, that you may properly time a correction. Do not tell the child his fault, without adding some means by which he may get the

better of it, which will encourage him to do so; for we should avoid the

discouragement which arises from dry correction; and we should never tell him

many at a time.

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It is frequently necessary to tolerate things which ought to be corrected, until the

moment shall have arrived when the mind of a child will be in a state to profit by the

correction. Never find fault with him in his first emotion, or in yours; if you do it in yours,

he will perceive that you are governed by mood and impatience, and not by reason and friendship: you will lose, without resources, your authority. If you reprimand him in his

first emotion, his mind will not be sufficiently free to acknowledge his fault, to subdue his

passion, and to weigh the importance of your advice. It is even exposing the child to lose

the respect he owes you.

But above all things, do not let it appear to the

child that you demand from him unnecessary

submissions;

“Your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great.” Psalm 18:35

Deaf, Blind, and Dirty

Dear Mark, I returned last night from the FPEA Conference in Orlando and I feel compelled to write to you and let you know how much your lectures have affected my life.  I doubt that you remember me, but you signed a copy of Sir Knight of the Splendid Way for my husband as an anniversary present.  Our eyes met for a moment, and my heart wanted to spill out so many things to you, but my pride and fear of falling apart in front of so many people kept me from speaking.  After a moment of silence I smiled at you, nodded, and whispered "Thank you." I am a mother of 3 children, a 10 year old son, a 4 year old daughter, and an almost 3 year old son.  They are wonderful children, around everyone else.  They are respectful and obedient, for everyone else.  They are loving and kind, to everyone else.  I'm not saying that they are horrible towards me, but the loving moments are few and far between when compared to the times we are frequently at odds and I am yelling and screaming and "molding" them.  I am a screamer, and in my 10 years of parenting my temper has gotten hotter and my patience shorter.  My mother was a screamer and I believe I was verbally and emotionally abused as a child and swore that I would never do that to my children.  But here I am as an adult doing to my children what my mother did to me, jokingly talking to my friends about the therapy they'll need as adults while my heart was breaking inside for the way I treated them.  Until now I haven't been able to break this cycle.  I hadn't tried the one thing I should have tried from the beginning - prayer.

I had grown very distant from God and my relationship with Him had become very strained.  I have felt Him tugging at my heart, but I have been rebelling against Him, like my children have rebelled against me.  I haven't had devotional time, prayer time, or gone to church regularly for years.  My husband takes our three children to church by himself every Sunday.  I have used the excuse that I needed to sleep (I work nights every weekend as a nurse and get off at 7:30 am Sunday and have to be back Sunday night at 7:00 pm), but I have been able to stay up and attend church once every 3 or 4 months if there was a special function.  I was so far from God that I didn't know where to even begin to draw near to Him again. 

I believe that God placed me in that auditorium Friday to reach me.  God used this night to finally get though to me and break my heart.  I cried throughout the hour, wiping tear after tear from my face, first hoping that no one noticed me (after all, it's ALL about what other people think...that's what Mom always said), then later not caring.  My relationship with God was broken and my relationship with my children was being destroyed by my hands and words.  All of the letters that you shared sounded like I could have written them.  The detailed examples you gave sounded like me, always scolding, yelling, demanding more.

At the end of the lecture I walked across the hall to the bathroom to compose myself.  Usually when something affects me to tears I can wipe them away and go on.  I ended up in a stall in the bathroom, sobbing and crying out to God.  I don't know how long I was in there, I just know that things are different now.  The Holy Spirit worked a change in me that day.  That was the first time I've prayed to God in years, really prayed.  I've sent up little prayers when I needed or wanted something, but I haven't REALLY prayed. 

When I went back to the hotel later that day, my husband noticed the change.  He kept asking me if I was ok.  I told him about your lecture and how great the conference was, but I haven't explained the whole experience to him.  I was calm with my children the rest of the day.  I didn't lose my patience even once.  I asked less of them and did more for them.  I got up from the floor or bed to get something for myself instead of asking my 10 year old to retrieve it.  I didn't yell and scream when my daughter was having a stubborn, demanding moment that before would have sent me off the deep end in 3 seconds.  I didn't scream or yell, not that I could have if I had wanted to.  (Oh, I neglected to tell you that God had taken my voice from me on this particular day.  I had been sick during the week and my voice was getting hoarse on Thursday, but on Friday it was GONE.  This was either a sick joke on God's part or His divine intervention.  I believe the latter, that He was giving me that little extra bit of help that I needed to get started.) My husband told me later that night "It got through."  I asked "What got through?"  He replied, "Whatever you heard today.  It got through."   It is now Monday morning and I haven't raised my voice (which came back on Saturday) in almost 3 full days.  My son (who is not an openly affectionate child in public) came up beside me several times at Universal Studios yesterday and held my hand as we walked through the park.  He is talking to me again.  My 2 year old picked me a flower and then, as he was walking away, he turned around and told me " You need to put it in water, Mommy."  They are beginning to warm up to me again.  I can see their fear melting, but there is still an air of caution there.  My daughter isn't quite as forgiving and I'm searching for subtle changes.  I know that they will come, but she will be my biggest test. 

At my parents' home last night my oldest was playing with my brother-in-law's air rocket in the front yard.  When my brother-in-law went outside to put the rocket away, there was one missing.  My son swore that they were there when he came inside.  Normally, he would go to his grave swearing that he had or hadn't done something, even when all of the evidence pointed to the contrary.  We were all wandering around aimlessly with flashlights looking for the missing rocket.  I took my son aside and told him that I needed him to tell me the truth.  I told him I wouldn't be mad (not a promise I had kept in the past) but that we needed to know what happened to it.  He took his flashlight and shined it high into a tree where the light reflected off the white tip off the rocket.  He had known exactly where the rocket had landed, and he FINALLY trusted me with the truth.  My heart was so full in that moment.  My son wasn't afraid of me. I know that this change won't happen overnight.  It's going to take a lot of prayer, but I'm talking to God again and rebuilding that relationship while I rebuild my relationships with my children.  I have sent small prayers to God continuously since that day.  I pray for strength to get through a single moment.  I praise Him for small accomplishments.  I pray for wisdom.  And I pray prayers of thanks that He put me in Orlando on Friday, in this lecture, where He worked a change in my life. This letter ended up being much longer that I originally anticipated.  Thank you for your time.  I needed to share my experience and I thought that you would like to hear how your words and the Holy Spirit's work changed my life. Thank you,