love what is love? how do you define it?. love unconditional positive regard however according to...

Love Love

What is love?What is love?

How do you define it?How do you define it?

Love Love Unconditional positive Unconditional positive

regardregardHowever according to However according to

Levine (2007) adult Levine (2007) adult relationships are highly relationships are highly

conditional – we are conditional – we are constantly being evaluated constantly being evaluated

by our partners.by our partners.

Falling in love - a grave Falling in love - a grave mental diseasemental disease

PlatoPlato

Falling in love is a time Falling in love is a time when the normal become when the normal become

psychoticpsychoticFreudFreud

Cupid’s arrowCupid’s arrow

Chemistry of falling in Chemistry of falling in

lovelove What are the physical reactions that can What are the physical reactions that can accompany ‘falling in love’?accompany ‘falling in love’?

‘‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness

Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)] phenylethylamine (PEA)]

Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicalscalming chemicals

Love ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – Love ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possibly because body develops tolerance … possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic love is short lived.romantic love is short lived.

Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain. breakups cause pain. Liebowitz (1983). Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of loveChemistry of love..

Words to describe falling Words to describe falling in lovein love

Your words?Your words? Earth shatteringEarth shattering TranceTrance BeguilingBeguiling AmazedAmazed ExhilaratedExhilarated Sudden and intenseSudden and intense TrepidationTrepidation Struck by Cupid’s Struck by Cupid’s

arrowarrow

Romantic love and marriage Romantic love and marriage around the world around the world

Romantic love not only a European invention Romantic love not only a European invention (developed from the Medieval tradition of (developed from the Medieval tradition of courtly love). courtly love).

Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, although valued differently between cultures. although valued differently between cultures.

The more individuals are autonomous The more individuals are autonomous (ie. free, not bound by strict family or (ie. free, not bound by strict family or tribal ties), the more they consider tribal ties), the more they consider romantic love a requirement for romantic love a requirement for selecting a partnerselecting a partner

The more bound by family or tribal ties, The more bound by family or tribal ties, the less romantic love is considered a the less romantic love is considered a prerequisite.prerequisite.

Romantic love is …Romantic love is …

Knee identifies five components of romantic Knee identifies five components of romantic love: love:

(1)(1) the belief that love conquers all;the belief that love conquers all;

(2)(2) the belief that each person has only one the belief that each person has only one true love;true love;

(3)(3) the expectation that the beloved will live the expectation that the beloved will live up to the ideals of the lover;up to the ideals of the lover;

(4)(4) love at first sight is possible; andlove at first sight is possible; and

(5)(5) it is better to follow your heart than your it is better to follow your heart than your head when choosing a partner. head when choosing a partner.

Knee (1998)Knee (1998)

Intimacy, passion & Intimacy, passion & commitmentcommitment

Stenberg’s model of love consists of Stenberg’s model of love consists of 1.1. intimacyintimacy2.2. passionpassion 3.3. commitmentcommitment. .

Various types of love arise as each of these 3 Various types of love arise as each of these 3 components is added into the mix. components is added into the mix.

These range from non-love (an absence of all These range from non-love (an absence of all 3) to consummate love (the presence of 3) to consummate love (the presence of all 3). all 3).

Sternberg (1988)Sternberg (1988)

Falling in love - why and Falling in love - why and with whom???with whom???

If you have ever been in love – what If you have ever been in love – what attracted you to your partner?attracted you to your partner?

PROXIMITYPROXIMITY

SIMILARITYSIMILARITY

RECIPROCITY – when we receive RECIPROCITY – when we receive actions of liking or loving, we tend to actions of liking or loving, we tend to return the same response (Curtis and return the same response (Curtis and Miller, 1988)Miller, 1988)

PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESSPHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS

Essential qualities required to Essential qualities required to sustain a positive relationshipsustain a positive relationship

An understanding you are not always An understanding you are not always right.right.

A willingness to live mainly in the A willingness to live mainly in the present.present.

Promotion of the other’s well being Promotion of the other’s well being and also your own.and also your own.

Active cooperation with each other.Active cooperation with each other. A willingness to accept that one’s A willingness to accept that one’s

partner is not perfect.partner is not perfect.Coates (1999)Coates (1999)

To keep your marriage brimming,To keep your marriage brimming,With love in the marriage cup,With love in the marriage cup,Whenever you're wrong,Whenever you're wrong,admit it,admit it,Whenever you're right,Whenever you're right,shut up.shut up.

Ogden Nash, 1962Ogden Nash, 1962

Stephen Levine – Stephen Levine – Demystifying loveDemystifying love

9 nouns of love9 nouns of love- all stages may be experienced - all stages may be experienced throughout adult lifethroughout adult life

- range of possibilities of - range of possibilities of meaningmeaning

Levine, S.B. (2007). Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals.health professionals. New York: Routledge. New York: Routledge.


1.1. Love is an idealised Love is an idealised ambitionambition- - to achieve a lasting state of to achieve a lasting state of interpersonal harmony with another – interpersonal harmony with another – eg. raise children, successful career eg. raise children, successful career and enjoyment of lifeand enjoyment of life- sexual pleasure and fidelity- sexual pleasure and fidelity- a comfortable sense of individuality - a comfortable sense of individuality and couplehoodand couplehood- assist us to mature and cope with - assist us to mature and cope with life’s demandslife’s demands

Levine, S.B. (2007). Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals.professionals. New York: Routledge. New York: Routledge.


2. Love is an arrangement 2. Love is an arrangement – a deal– a deal- what will the person bring to my life?- what will the person bring to my life?

- carefully consider potential partner’s - carefully consider potential partner’s assetsassets

- exchanges of hopes, expectations and - exchanges of hopes, expectations and dealsdeals

- young people in their first - young people in their first relationships usually don’t think in relationships usually don’t think in these termsthese terms

Levine, S.B. (2007). Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals.Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.New York: Routledge.


3. Love is an 3. Love is an attachmentattachment- after the deal comes the - after the deal comes the attachmentattachment

- weaving together- weaving together

- sex facilitates this attachment- sex facilitates this attachment



4. Love is a moral 4. Love is a moral commitmentcommitment- eg. a marriage or some sort of - eg. a marriage or some sort of ceremonyceremony- raises the bar of expectations- raises the bar of expectations- people vary in how seriously - people vary in how seriously they take their vows – moral they take their vows – moral dilemma – guilt around eg. dilemma – guilt around eg. infidelity, divorceinfidelity, divorce



5. Love is a management 5. Love is a management processprocess- love exists publicly AND in the - love exists publicly AND in the privacy of each partner’s mindprivacy of each partner’s mind- both positive and negative (and - both positive and negative (and sometimes keep the negative private)sometimes keep the negative private)- we protect them – our partner needs - we protect them – our partner needs the illusion that we don’t struggle to the illusion that we don’t struggle to love themlove them- HIS relationship/ HER relationship- HIS relationship/ HER relationship



6. Love is a force of 6. Love is a force of naturenature- biology – eg. reproduction- biology – eg. reproduction

- how individuals behave- how individuals behave

- throughout the ever changing - throughout the ever changing relationshiprelationship



7. Love is a transient 7. Love is a transient emotional stateemotional state- a number of feelings- a number of feelings

- pleasure, interest and sexual - pleasure, interest and sexual arousalarousal



8. Love is an illusion8. Love is an illusion- we want to believe in the - we want to believe in the illusion illusion - internal processes to maintain - internal processes to maintain the relationshipthe relationship- society and esp media simplifies - society and esp media simplifies love as though everyone knows love as though everyone knows what love iswhat love is



9. Love as a stop sign9. Love as a stop sign- why? - why?

- linked to illusion – a defence - linked to illusion – a defence against self discoveryagainst self discovery

- to end the enquiry – “I love - to end the enquiry – “I love him/her”him/her”



Verbs of loveVerbs of love

- falling - falling

- being- being

- staying- staying


Staying in loveStaying in love

- a study in adult maturation- a study in adult maturation

- working through many - working through many challengeschallenges

- putting “money in the bank” – - putting “money in the bank” – maintains our idealised image of maintains our idealised image of partnerpartner

- requires competence in the - requires competence in the relationshiprelationship


Staying in love – Staying in love – predictors predictors

(Gottman)(Gottman)- ability to repair their relationship – de-- ability to repair their relationship – de-

escalation of negative thoughts and escalation of negative thoughts and positive regard for other despite positive regard for other despite problemsproblems

- women’s soft presentation of problem - women’s soft presentation of problem and men’s willingness to stay involved and men’s willingness to stay involved in the conversationin the conversation

- men’s ability to accept influence from - men’s ability to accept influence from their partnertheir partner

- Humour – environment of positive - Humour – environment of positive emotions – good for WHOLE familyemotions – good for WHOLE family Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of the marital process.Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of the marital process. Annual Review of Psychology, 49., 169-197Annual Review of Psychology, 49., 169-197..

Staying in love – Staying in love – 3 more 3 more

competenciescompetencies1.1. Genuineness – sharing our inner Genuineness – sharing our inner

world with the other (Fromm)world with the other (Fromm)

2.2. Overcoming narcissism – putting Overcoming narcissism – putting the needs of the other (and the needs of the other (and children) at times ahead of own children) at times ahead of own needsneeds

3.3. Negotiation and share decision Negotiation and share decision makingmaking


Assisting people Assisting people to stay in love - to stay in love -

speakingspeaking1.1. The The capacitycapacity to know what one to know what one

thinks and feelsthinks and feels

2.2. The The willingnesswillingness to explain it to to explain it to anotheranother

3.3. The The skillskill to express the feelings to express the feelings and the ideas with wordsand the ideas with words


Assisting people Assisting people to stay in love - to stay in love -

listeninglistening1.1. An uncritical acceptance of what An uncritical acceptance of what

is saidis said

2.2. An awareness of the importance An awareness of the importance of the moment for the speakerof the moment for the speaker

3.3. A grasp of what is being saidA grasp of what is being said

4.4. A sense of privilege that he/she is A sense of privilege that he/she is present to hear what the speaker present to hear what the speaker has to sayhas to say


Fair Fair communicationcommunication

1.1. No name callingNo name calling

2.2. No threatening to leave, divorce No threatening to leave, divorce or other withdrawal strategyor other withdrawal strategy

3.3. No needless assaults on the other No needless assaults on the other person’s vulnerability person’s vulnerability (vulnerabilities that they each (vulnerabilities that they each know so well)know so well)


““If you were going to die soon If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call and had only one phone call

you could make, you could make, who would you call and what who would you call and what

would would you say? …you say? …

And why are you waiting?”And why are you waiting?”

Stephen Levine Stephen Levine

Dido – Dido – Thank you Thank you ((No Angel 2000)No Angel 2000)My tea’s gone cold,My tea’s gone cold,

I’m wondering why I got out of bed at allI’m wondering why I got out of bed at allThe morning rain clouds up my windowThe morning rain clouds up my window

And I can’t see at all.And I can’t see at all.And even if I could it’d all be greyAnd even if I could it’d all be grey

But your picture on my wall But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it’s not so badIt reminds me that it’s not so bad

It’s not so bad.It’s not so bad.I drank too much last night,I drank too much last night,

Got bills to pay,Got bills to pay,My head just feels in painMy head just feels in pain

I missed the bus I missed the bus And there’ll be hell today.And there’ll be hell today.

I’m late for work againI’m late for work againAnd even if I’m thereAnd even if I’m there

They’ll imply that I might not last the day.They’ll imply that I might not last the day.

And then you call me and it’s not so bad And then you call me and it’s not so bad It’s not that bad and …It’s not that bad and …

I want to thank you I want to thank you For giving me the best day of my life.For giving me the best day of my life.

Oh just to be with you Oh just to be with you Is having the best day of my life.Is having the best day of my life.

Push the door, I’m home at lastPush the door, I’m home at lastAnd I’m soaking through and throughAnd I’m soaking through and through

Then you handed me a towelThen you handed me a towelAnd all I see is you.And all I see is you.

And even if my house falls down now,And even if my house falls down now,I wouldn’t have a clueI wouldn’t have a clue

Because you’re near me and …Because you’re near me and …I just want to thank you….I just want to thank you….

love what is love? how do you define it?. love unconditional positive regard however according to...

Documents

chemistry of love

nouns of love

true love

components of romantic

tolerance romantic love

world romantic love

various types of love

attachment levine