Dr. Naomi Paget, BCC, BCCC, CCISM

Fellow, American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress

Fellow, National Center for Crisis Management

Managing Relationships during CRISIS

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Dr. Naomi Paget, BCC, BCCC, CCISMFBI Crisis Interventionist and Chaplain

Fellow, American Academy of Experts in Traumatic StressFellow, National Center for Crisis Management

Managing RelationshipsDuring Crisis

1. Understanding relationship needs during crisis

2. Trust during crisis

3. The fear dance during crisis

4. Effective communication during crisis

5. Responding to conflict during crisis

6. Dealing with angry people during crisis

7. Resilient relationship during crisis

8. Appendix

Outline

Unit 1

Understanding Relationship Needs During Crisis

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• The way in which two things are connected

• The way in which two or more people feel and behave towards each other

• A close romantic friendship between two people

• The  family connection between people

Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus

Cambridge University Press

Relationship

• Crisis is about stress reactions to critical incidents, traumatic incidents, or even unexpected incidents

• Stress reactions may be positive, but usually cause some distress and impairment

• Mitigating distress is essential for healthy relationships

• Impact of crisis on relationships

– People who are connected get disconnected

– The healthy connections of feelings and behaving between people change – often in unhealthy ways

Crisis impacts relationships

A response to a stimulus characterized by increased

physical and psychological AROUSAL

(Everly, 1999)

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Three Faces of Stress

• Stress is essential for:– Strength and toughness– Growth and development– Acquire new skills– Meeting challenges– Performing difficult missions

• Stress can lead to:– Persistent internal distress– Functional impairment– Misconduct– Substance abuse– Mental disorders

EUSTRESS vs. DISTRESS vs.

DYSFUNCTION

Three intensity levels of stress

Eustress = Positive, motivating stress

Distress = Excessive stress

Dysfunction = Impairment

STRESS REACTION CATEGORIES

• FIGHT

• FLIGHT

• FREEZE

• FLOW

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SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF DISTRESS in CRISIS

I. COGNITIVE

II. EMOTIONAL

III. BEHAVIORAL

IV. PHYSICAL

V. SPIRITUAL

See attached resource for Stress Chart

PTSD

• Posttraumatic stress (PTS) is a common and typical survival response

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a pathological variant of that “normal” survival reaction

• PTSD results from a violation of

– Expectations

– Worldviews

– Extreme physical pain

A. Traumatic event

B. Intrusive memories

C. Avoidance, numbing, 

D. Stress arousal

E. Depression

F. Symptoms last > 30 days     

G. Impaired functioning

*Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

PTSD: DSM – V*

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Relationships in CRISISSpouse, significant other, family, friends

Relationships in CRISISSpouse, significant other, family, friends

Eustress Distress Dysfunction Good communication

Feeling close

Looking forward to seeing

Cooperating well

Playing well

Good sex

Good conversation

Affection

Openness

Responsiveness

Trouble communicating

Occasional fights and disagreements

Uncomfortable being together

Not having fun

Staying apart

Difficult or rare sex

Complaints from partner

Ambivalence

Guardedness

Poor comm.

Frequent fighting

Dreading contact

Emotional coldness

No sex

Irresolvable conflict

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Emotionally numb

Thoughts of hurting others or self

• Freud, Jung, etc.

• Individual considered in isolation from surroundings

• People act on their own

• People were understood on basis of their “insides” 

– Biology

– Psychology

– Morality

• Focus was on pathology

Individual Model of Human Behavior

• Murray Bowen, 1950 – 1980• Relationship patterns in families affect individuals• Relationship patterns in families are often multi‐generational

• Actions of individuals in families affect all other members in the system

• Behaviors of an individual could be influenced by working with persons in the system – not the individual 

• More than cause and effect – like a mobile

Systems Model of Human Behavior

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• Considers the interrelatedness of parts, instead of seeing isolated, unrelated parts 

• Individual problems have more to do with our relational networks 

• It understands the symptom bearer to be only the “identified patient” and the person’s problems to be symptomatic of something askew in the family itself (Friedman, 13)

• Focuses on the fact that we all have choices about how we are going to respond and how those choices may impact the whole

Bowen Theory 

See attached resource for Bowen Theory definitions

• The sense of being under attack – Based on perceptions– Based on experience over many years

• Like fear, but less tangible– Sense of lacking self‐control– Unlike acute, dramatic symptoms ‐ panic attacks

• Anxiety increases when the sense of being a  safe, secure, emotionally competent self is threatened

• One way of dealing with anxiety is to look for other to make it better for us.

Anxiety in CRISIS

• Humans have attachment needs

• Separation creates anxiety

• The more practical and emotional competence people have, the greater their ability to handle anxiety

• Be an anxiety “transformer”– Don’t increase voltage/anxiety

– Decrease voltage and decrease anxiety• Manage own anxiety

• Help people manage their anxiety

• Stay connected to anxious people

CRISISBe a calm caregiver in the midst of  ^

anxiety

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• Individual’s need to be autonomous, individual, a self

– Free to make own choices and decisions

– Free to be in charge of own life and fate

– Not be controlled or dictated to by others

Individual – Together in CRISIS

• Individual’s need to be together in relationships

– Need for attachment, affiliation, approval

– Need to belong

Individual – Together in CRISIS

• Choose to be a self, disagree without fear 

• Choose to be with, cooperate with, relate to others

OR

• Tends towards enmeshment with others

• Driven by fear of abandonment, rejection, neglect

Natural Tension in CRISIS

IndividualityTogetherness

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• People have a “right and proper” distance they like to maintain with each other

• Too much closeness or distance causes people to feel abandoned or engulfed

– Too much closeness or anxiety caused by the closeness ‐ people tend to distance

– Too much distance or anxiety caused by the distance ‐ people tend to pursue

Abandonment – Engulfment in CRISIS

Abandonment Engulfment

• People entangled in others – difficult to be extricated or separated – enmeshed

• Enmeshed people think, feel, and speak for each other –“undifferentiated family ego mass”

• Isolated people ‐ anxious when they get too emotionally involved

• Isolated people may stay in the relationship but not allow differences to emerge—denial 

Enmeshment – Isolation in CRISIS

Enmeshment Abandonment

May be defined as emotional maturity

• the act or process of differentiating

• development from the one to the many, the simple to the complex, or the homogeneous to the heterogeneous

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/differentiation

Differentiation in CRISIS

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• Fusion and differentiation are about emotional process in relationships

• Fusion – process of merging and blending feeling/thoughts –give‐up self to achieve emotional closeness

• Differentiation – capacity to be a self while being connected to others in the system

Fusion – Differentiation in CRISIS

Thinking Feeling

• Basic self  is separated/differentiated early in life

• Most people remain at the level of differentiation attained by the time they leave home

• When two people in relationship improve their levels of differentiation, the relationship will improve

• One person changing his/her half of the relationship problem fundamentally changes the relationship

Differentiation of Self in CRISIS

1. Distribution of power

2. The role of genders

3. The management of money

4. Relationship to persons outside the marriage/family

a. Friends and children

b. Parents\in‐laws

5. The distribution of duties

a. The role of work

b. The recognition of value of all duties

6. The spiritual orientation of the family as a whole and of each member of the family.

Some issues the “family” must resolve

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• Balance – emotional systems always move towards homeostasis – balancing the anxiety/conflict

• Multi generational transmission – patterns are passed on across generations

• Leadership is required to make changes in the system

Basic characteristics of systems

• Triangulating

• Conflict

• Distancing

• Cut‐off

• Over functioning

• Under functioning

Relieving CRISIS anxiety in systems

• Triangulating

– To absorb anxiety

– To cover differences and conflicts in the system

– May occur repeatedly through interlocking triangles

• Repositioning

– To reestablish homeostasis

– Detriangulating requires behaving differently within the triangular process

– Modifies or limits participation in the triangle

Relieving the ^ anxiety ‐ TriangulatingCRISIS

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CRISIS

Bill Smith

Mary Jones

Caregiver YOU

Classic Triangulation

• Remember triangles are normal• Understand your role in the process• Manage your own emotions so you don’t become part of the problem

• Remember whose problem this is• Encourage conversations between the two parties

• Be less reactive and more definitive about your own beliefs and direction

Dealing with triangles

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• Talking about the leader/staff person with people, other than the leader/staff person

• Talking about someone who is not present

• Taking a morbid interest in other people’s problems

• Thinking more about a child or someone else than about oneself or one’s marriage/children

Common manifestations of triangulation in agency life

• Power struggles over the differences

• Would cease if one party would not engage in the power struggle

• Resolved by dealing with one’s own emotional reaction, not by trying to change the other person

• Causes people to concentrate on what’s wrong with the other person

Relieving the anxiety ‐ Conflict

• Attempt to reduce intensity of the relationship• Risk becoming too isolated• One person may distance in response to pursuit• Signs of distancing

– Excessive non‐communication– Workaholism– Substance abuse– Obsession with hobbies– Withdrawal at onset of anxiety– Inability to relate to nuclear family

Relieving the anxiety ‐ Distancing

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• Totally cut off emotional contact with other party

• Emotional contact can be reduced– By moving away, quitting the job

– By rarely going home, avoiding the “office”

– By staying in physical contact but avoiding sensitive issues

• Risk making new relationships too important

• May try to stabilize their intimate relationships by creating substitute “families” with social  and work relationships

Relieving the anxiety ‐ Cutoff

• Over‐functioning people take excess responsibility for the functioning of others– Micromanaging

– Excessive worry about other people being able to do things

– Setting goals for others

– Feeling overly responsible for others

– Doing too much

– Rescuing others

– Experiencing elevated distress or “burnouts”

– Cannot make under‐functioners more responsible

– Must take less responsibility for under‐functioners

Relieving the anxiety –Over‐functioning or under‐functioning

• Under‐functioning people act like they cannot function without lots of assistance

– Always asking for advice

– Requiring assistance to accomplish most things

– Listening more than talking

– Not taking responsibility for oneself

– Having no goals or ignoring them

– Frequently needing addictive substances

– Remaining passive and wanting others to be active

– Cause people to be confused about responsibilities

Relieving the anxiety –Over‐functioning or under‐functioning

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• Triangulation

• Conflict

• Distancing

• Cut‐off

• Over functioning ‐ Under functioning

How do we relieve our anxiety within the “family” system?

• Ideal relationship = equal, open relationship of two ideal, independent selfs– Greater degree of individuality and less togetherness

– Each person is emotionally differentiated from the other

• Characteristics of highly differentiated selfs– Each is responsible for only themselves

– Individuals are engaged – “in contact”

– Each takes responsibility for self – defining, communicating, interpreting own thoughts and positions

– Clear awareness of feelings of self and other

The Ideal – Separate, Equal, & Open

Individuals in the relationship• Feel emotionally safe• Feel respected• Feel they are treated equally• Experience openness in communication• Feel safely emotionally connected to others• Feel they are able to pursue their own sense of mission and purpose

• Feel they have homeostasis

Healthy relationships have the highest characteristics of differentiation

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Unit 2

Trust During Crisis:Maintaining, Building, & Repairing

Key Principles in Circles of Trust

• Self Trust

• Relationship Trust

• Organizational Trust

• Market Trust

• Societal Trust

Credible Character

Consistent Behavior

Value Alignment 

Stellar Reputation

Generous Contribution

• the quality of being believed or accepted as true, real, or honest

• the quality or power of inspiring belief• able to be believed• reasonable to trust or believe• good enough to be effective• offering reasonable grounds for being believed

Merriam‐Webster.com

Credibility

16

Credibility, is one of the three core elements of

interpersonal influence-

Aristotle

(logos, pathos, ethos)

• Integrity – being congruent in behaviors and values– More than honesty – walking your talk

• Intent – our motives, agendas, and resulting behaviors– The “why” that motivates the “what”

• Capabilities – abilities we have that inspire confidence– Our talents, attitudes, skills, knowledge, and style

• Results – our track record and performance– Achieving the results we promise

Four Cores of Credibility

The 4 Cores of 

Credibility

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• Congruence– No gap between the intent and the behavior– Not driven by the opinions of others

• Humility– More concerned about what is right than  being right– More concerned about acting on good ideas than having the ideas

– More concerned about building the team than exalting self

• Courage– Doing the right thing even when it’s hard– Standing up for righteousness even when in the minority

Credibility: Integrity

• Make and keep commitments to yourself– Don’t make too many commitment to yourself– Treat yourself with the same respect you give to others

– Don’t make impulsive commitments

• Stand for something– Know what you believe and value what you believe– If you are a Christian, behave like a Christian

• Be open– Be open to new ideas, possibilities, and change– Takes courage and humility to be open 

Increasing Integrity in CRISIS

In law, a man is guilty when he violates

the rights of another. In ethics, he is guilty

if he only thinks of doing so.

Immanuel Kant

For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

King Solomon, Proverbs 23:7a

Intent

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• Motive– The motive that generates the greatest trust is genuine caring

– Genuine caring must be broad – about people, purposes, quality of what you do, about society as a whole

• Agenda– Wanting what’s best for everyone; a win‐win– The agenda that inspires the greatest trust is seeking mutual benefit

• Behavior– Manifestation of motive and agenda– The behavior that best creates credibility and inspires trust is acting in the best interest of others

Credibility: Intent

• Examine and refine your motives– Ask yourself harder questions– Identify the principles that will bring the results you want– Recognize you may need help to create this deep inner change

– Start behaving like the person you want to be

• Declare your intent– Let people know what to look for– Creates accountability

• Choose abundance– Share liberally with others– Abundance attracts and generates “more”

• Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, . . .

Improving Intent in CRISIS

• Talents– God given abilities

• Attitudes– How I think and feel about life, myself, others, etc.

• Skills– Your proficiency, ability based on learning

• Knowledge– What you have learned and know about your field/ministry

• Style – The approach you have in facing problems and opportunities

Credibility: Capabilities

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• Run with your strengths– Focus on engaging, developing, and leveraging what’s distinctly yours

• Keep yourself relevant– Be a life‐long learner

– Ask for feedback then change what is necessary

– Know what your growing edges are and grow

• Know where you’re going– Have a purpose, a mission, a goal

– Begin with the end in mind

Increasing Capabilities in CRISIS

• The “bottom line”– Whether dealing with restoring trust or establishing trust, the results influence the trust level

• Positive implication = desired outcome– The “how” you get results influences the possibility of getting desired outcomes in the future

• Negative implication = consequence– When the results are poor or lacking, the perception is “failure” and the results are deemed “consequences”

Trust is often a projection of past performance on future results

Credibility: Results

• Take responsibility for results– Take responsibility for results, not activities– If one method doesn’t work, try another to get results

• Expect to win– “Pygmalion effect,” Galatea effect, Rosenthal effect, self‐fulfilling prophecy, positive self‐expectation, faith

– We tend to get what we expect

• Finish strong– Results are about finishing– A powerful antidote to a culture of quitting

Whenever possible, finish, and finish strong.   Stephen Covey

Improving Results in CRISIS

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• What you do has far greater impact than what you say

• Good words signal behavior, declare intent, create hope

• When good words are followed by validating behavior, trust increases

• You can change your behavior• Behave the way you desire to become

• “Begin with the end in mind”  Steven Covey

• Put deposits into your relationship trust accounts– Each account is different

– Not all deposits are created equal

– Withdrawals are typically larger than deposits

Relationship Trust

What you dohas far greater impact

than what you say

Relationship Trust

1. Talk straight2. Demonstrate respect3. Create transparency4. Right wrongs5. Show loyalty6. Deliver results7. Get better8. Confront reality9. Clarify expectations10. Practice accountability11. Listen first12. Keep commitments13. Extend trust

13 Behaviors to Increase Relationship Trust in CRISIS

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Trust Continuum

Distrust Blind Trust

Smart Trust

Suspicion Gullibility

Good Judgment

Extending Smart Trust is a function of finding the right balance between Propensity to Trust and Analysis

• Propensity to Trust – tendency, inclination, or predisposition to believe that people are worthy of trust; tend to extend trust freely; matter of the heart

• Analysis – ability to analyze, evaluate, theorize, consider implications and possibilities and come to a logical decision or solution; matter of the mind

Smart Trust

Smart Trust Matrix

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• Increase personal credibility

• Behave in a way that inspires trust

Violations of character (integrity or intent) are much more difficult to restore

Violations of integrity are the most difficult to restore

When you have lost the trust of others because of CRISIS . . .

• Don’t be too quick to judge

• Do forgive others to cleanse yourself of anger, blaming, vindictiveness, retribution, and malice

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Mahatma Gandhi

When others have lost your trust because of CRISIS

Unit 3

The Fear Dance During Crisis

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Life Threat

• A traumatic injury

• Due to an experience of death provoking terror, horror, or helplessness

Loss

• A grief injury

• Due to the loss of cherished people, things, or parts of oneself

Wear & Tear

• A fatigue injury

• Due to the accumulation of stress from all sources over time without sufficient rest and recovery

Intense or ProlongedDisaster or Operational Stress

Inner Conflict

• A moral injury

• Due to behaviors or the witnessing of behaviors that violate moral values

Four Causes of Stress Injury

The Fear Dance

• The dance that destroys relationships

• The external problem is rarely the problem

• The core problem is our fear

• Each of us in involved in a Fear Dance

• We cannot change the other person

• We must learn new dance steps to build and maintain healthier                                                             relationships

I 

HURT

I 

HURTI

WANT

I

FEAR

I

REACTYOU

HURT

YOU

WANT

YOU

FEAR

YOU

REACT

• Helplessness, powerlessness, impotence, controlled

• Rejected, closed out of other lives

• Abandoned or left behind

• Disconnected from others or alone

• Like a failure

• Unloved, unlovable

• Defective, broken, unfixable

• Inadequate, don’t measure up

• Inferior, belittled

• Cheated, taken advantage of

• Invalidated, devalued, ignored

• Unfulfilled, dissatisfied

• Humiliated, no dignity or self‐respect

• Manipulated, used

• Isolated, alone

Our core fears in CRISIS

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• Acceptance

• Grace

• Connection

• Compassion

• Companionship

• Success

• Self‐determination

• Understanding

• Love

• Support

• Approval

• Wanted

• Safety

• Affection

• Trust

• Hope

• Joy

What we really want in CRISIS

• Validation

• Competence

• Respect 

• Worth

• Honor

• Dignity

• Commitment

• Significance

• Attention

What do you want the most?    What do you need the least?

• Withdrawal

• Escalation

• Belittling

• Sarcasm

• Negative beliefs

• Blaming

• Exaggeration

• Tantrums

• Fix‐it mode

• Complaining

• Aggression or abuse

• Manipulation

• Anger and rage

• Catastrophize

• Numbing out

How do you react during CRISIS when you fear that your want will not be 

met?

• Denial

• Invalidation

• Defensiveness

• Clinginess

• Passive‐aggressive

• Caretaking

• Acting out

• Over‐functioning

• You get hurt• What do you want?• What do you fear?• How do you react?• You hurt someone else• What does he/she want?• What does he/she fear?• How does he/she react?

• You get a “bad” diagnosis• You want to live a normal life• You’ll lose independence and control• You act out• You embarrass your spouse/family• He/she wants honor, dignity, respect • He/she fears humiliation, inferiority• He/she over-functions

The Fear Dance –Life Threat

(Four Stressful Fear Dances, Paget)

25

• You get hurt• What do you want?• What do you fear?• How do you react?• You hurt someone else• What does he/she want?• What does he/she fear?• How does he/she react?

• You don’t get support for your idea• You want to others to like your idea• Someone doesn’t think you’re

capable• You withdraw• You avoid him/her• He/she wants to be included • He/she fears disconnection• He/she avoids you

The Fear Dance ‐ Loss

(Four Stressful Fear Dances, Paget)

• You get hurt• What do you want?• What do you fear?• How do you react?• You hurt someone else• What does he/she want?• What does he/she fear?• How does he/she react?

• Your child gets arrested for shoplifting• You want your child to be “perfect”• Others will think you’re a bad parent• You get defensive• You criticize another kids’ behavior• The parents wants to be “good”

parents • They feel judged• They criticize your leadership and

parenting methods

The Fear Dance – Inner Conflict

(Four Stressful Fear Dances, Paget)

• You get hurt

• What do you want?

• What do you fear?

• How do you react?

• You hurt someone else

• What does he/she want?

• What does he/she fear?

• How does he/she react?

• You are physically tired• You want to sleep• Someone might think you are lazy• You get angry - people don’t give you a

break• You cancel your lunch with your

colleague• Your friend wants to feel valued/needed • Your friend worries that he/she did

something wrong• Your friend feels hurt that you don’t

spend time with him/her

The Fear Dance –Wear & Tear

(Four Stressful Fear Dances, Paget)

26

Learn some new dance steps

1. Take control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions– For as he thinks within himself, so he is.

King Solomon, Prov: 23:7a2. Take responsibility for your buttons – you have a choice how you will react3. Don’t give others the power to control your feelings

– You cannot change others; you can only change yourself4. Don’t look to others to make you happy

– Have realistic expectation for relationships5. Become the “boss” of your own life

– Don’t let others dictate your thoughts, feelings, and actions– Get an “assistant” to help you – to influence your dance;

not to dance for you6. Confess your wrongdoing, ask for forgiveness, and forgive others

Effective CommunicationDuring Crisis

Unit 4

People may misinterpret what you say

Listen, clarify, paraphrase, summarize, reflect,

and listen some more . . .

27

Power of nonverbals

–Words—represent 7% of the total communication mode

–Tone of voice—represents 38% of what is communicated

–Body language—represents 55% of the total communication process

–What about your “resting face?”

Improving Listening Skills

• Para-communication• Clarify• Paraphrase• Summarize• Echo• Reflect• Paraphrase or Summary with Extrapolation

28

QUESTIONS

• Who

• What

• When

• Where

• Why

• How

• Closed-end

• Multiple choice

• Open-end

Purpose of asking questions

• To clarify

• To gain information

• To correct a distortion

• To change the subject

• To invade someone’s privacy

• To make a statement – a loaded question

– To embarrass

– To prove a point

The “WHY” Question

• Often is perceived to be too confrontive

• Often is perceived to be judgmental

• Often is perceived to be critical

• Often is perceived to be disapproving

• Often creates a sense of fear

• Often creates a sense of defensiveness

• Often creates a sense of threat

• Often creates a sense of impending doom

29

. . . but, . . .

• Consider another way to express your thoughts…

• For example, “I really like your ideas, but...I think we ought to do this.”

• Instead, say, “I really like your ideas. And, I want to do this.”

• “but” erases/deletes/contradicts the previous statement

Take responsibility for your own statements

“I” statements:

• Communicate your feelings and thoughts

• Make you vulnerable

• Tend to be non-threatening to the listener

• Tend to deal with the central problem

“You” statements:

• Judge the other person

• Tend to avoid the real problem• Tend to be threatening to the

listener• Tend to be self-serving,

protective

1. Statement of surprise2. Statement of fact3. Statement indicting that we will be doing 

something other than taking a test today4. Statement indicating some other group will be 

taking a test today5. Statement indicating we absolutely will not be 

taking a test today6. Statement indicating that we will have more 

than one test today

“We are not going to take a test today”

30

Communication through Technology and Social Media

• Email – since the 70’s

– 79% people use smart phones to check email

• Texting – since the 90’s

– 4.1 billion text messages per day in the US

• Social Media – since 2004

– 751 million users from mobile device

– 1.1 billion users

Problems with communications through technology & social media

• Inaccurate feelings

• Inaccurate responses

• Reactions nor responses

• Red flags:

– Inappropriate activity

– Too private or stalking

– Too much PDA (public displays of affection)

– Attention‐seeking activities

– Comparisons with others

Results of communication through technology

• Increased divorce rates and unhappy marriages

• “Catfishing” increases

• 59% millennials consider online dating best way to meet new people

• 28% feel harassed

• 54% believe people shared fake information

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Results of communication through social media

• Pew Research Center – 45% of millennials said social media has had “major impact” on relationships

– Lack of personal attention and additional tension

– Jealousy, infidelity and distrust 

• 62% men snoop on partner’s texts

• 34% women snoop on partner’s texts

• Social media pre‐nups

Email is good for some communication

• Non‐urgent communication

• Follow‐up

• Praise

• Timeshifting – leisurely communication

• Filtering – prevent unwanted messages

• One‐to‐Many communications

• Sending documents, photos, etc.

• Mobility

Thoughts about “Work” Email

• Only copy those that need to know

• Use BCC appropriately – usually to mask bulk distribution lists

• Use colored font very sparingly

• Use “reply all” appropriately – everyone doesn’t need to know everything

• Don’t expect an immediate response

• No ALL CAPS – bold or italic is better

• Keep it short

32

Best uses of techo‐communication during CRISIS

• Stating facts

– Reports

– General information without opinion

– Scheduling meetings, conference calls, etc.

• Asking questions for clarification

– Requesting information

– Doing electronic surveys

Feelings are ineffective through technology

Responding to ConflictDuring Crisis

Unit 5

Defining Conflict

“Conflicts are power struggles over differences.”

Halverstadt

Merriam‐Webster.com

• a : competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons)

• b : mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands

33

• Conflict of facts

• Conflict of aims – different goals

• Conflict of ideas – different interpretations

• Conflict of attitudes – different opinions

• Conflict of behaviors – different behaviors are unacceptable

Types of Conflicts

Why does conflict occur?

• Wanting our own way

• Lack of communication

• Ineffective leadership for decision making, procedures, and mission

• Discrepancies in role performance

• Low productivity

• Stress caused by change

• Misunderstanding

• Competition over resources

• Differences in values, goals, beliefs, opinions

• Selfish attitudes and desires

• Unresolved prior conflict

• Perceived differences

• Some other reason?

Myths About Conflict

• Harmony is normal

• Conflict is the result of personality 

differences

• Conflict and disagreement are the same

• Conflict is always bad

34

Results of Conflict

Negative

• Damaged relationships

• Defensiveness

• Lack of cooperation

• Fault‐finding focus

• Blaming

• Frustration

• Emotional exhaustion

• Passive‐aggressive behavior

• Wasted time, money, resources

Positive

• Strengthened relationships

• Increased teamwork

• Encourages win‐win

• Considers the issues and not the personalities

• Provides new possibilities

• Builds teamwork

• Encourages adult‐to adult conversations

Difficult Personalities in Conflict

• Nitpickers

• Hypersensitive

• Complainers

• Socially Inept

• Overly Aggressive

• Depressed and Unhappy

• Users, manipulators, and con artists

Antagonist

Antagonists are individuals who, on the basis of nonsubstantive evidence, go out of their way to make insatiable demands, usually attacking the person or performance of others. These attacks are selfish in nature, tearing down rather than building up, and are frequently directed against those in a leadership capacity.  Antagonists…are malevolent in both intent and effect.

Kenneth Haugk in Antagonists in the Church

35

Mitigating Antagonists

• Have established policies and procedures

• General and specific education

• Use the authority you have

• Act professional – consistent, responsible, self‐controlled

• Keep your distance – Matt. 7:6 (like casting pearls before swine)

• Be accurate and precise

• Hold your tongue

Responses to Conflict

From Peacemakers Ministries                                               See attached resource

I don’t want to deal with this

I want to win I want you to lose

I can do something about this

I need help dealing with

this

Understanding Conflict and Our Response to It

• Escape Responses– Don’t want to deal with the problem

• Attack Responses– More interested in winning than resolving

• Peacemaking Responses– Striving for the WIN-WIN– Seeking a win-win solution or at least a

compromise

36

Conflict Management

• Prevent exchanges

• Change the context

• Coach the principals

• Negotiate issues

• Mediate relationships

How to Respond to Conflict in Your CRISIS Setting

1. Don’t panic

2. Don’t deny that there is a conflict

3. Do pray for guidance

4. Do apply Holy Scripture- Matt.18:15-35

5. Do manage the conflict properly- communicate, respect every voice

6. Do exercise humility, grace, forgiveness

Conflict Resolution during CRISIS

• Communicate well with the opposition

• Brainstorm possible solutions

• Explore alternatives

• Find a peaceful solution to a disagreement

• Attempt to find a win‐win

• Negotiate to resolve the disagreement

• Use a third party mediator

• Use an arbitrator

37

Build a Culture for Managing  Conflict

• Through integrity: character and competence

• Through vision   King Solomon, Prov. 29:18

– Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained . . .• Build through modeling of leaders ‐ unity

• Build through intentional process

– Initiating group

– Formal legitimizing of the idea

– Building consensus• Willingness to confront by loving    Matt. 5:44

– . . . love your enemies . . . Steve Echols, Brewton Parker College

Bottom line for preventing conflict

• Be honest

• Maintain healthy relationships

• Allow everyone to express opinions and feelings openly in a safe environment

• Be clear about expectations and objectives

• Provide clear job descriptions and get buy‐in

• Treat everyone fairly and respectfully

• Praise publically and critique privately

Unit 6

This is the more typical problem during CRISIS

Dealing with Angry PeopleDuring Crisis

38

Strategic engagement 

• Don’t take it personally

– It’s about fear and being threatened

– Most issues are barely related to you personally

• Avoid ego battles

– It’s about victim mentality

– They are defensive and confrontational

• Stay calm and rational

– Speak softly, say little, increase space

– Disengage from reality distorters

Effective Confrontation: Your Speech during CRISIS

• Use “I” statements, not “You” statements

• Use mirroring for clarification

• Be responsible for what you say and how you say it – be respectful

• Allow the other person to be responsible for how he/she hears and responds to what you say

• Have “adult to adult” conversations

“Adult to Adult” Conversations

• Each individual must become the eyes and voice of the institution (the department, agency, unit)

• Each individual brings an independent point of view and is open to others’ perspectives

• Each individual is expected to raise difficult issues – without aggression

• Each individuals extends a spirit of goodwill to the endeavor through conscious choice

• Each individual chooses accountability for the success of the institution (the department, agency, unit)

• Each individual manages his or her own morale, motivation and commitment

Authentic Conversations by Jamie and Maren Showkier

39

Ask the right question

• Find out what the angry person really wants from you

– What is it that you want or need right now?

– What outcome do you envision that I have control over?

• Stop the endless ranting by cutting to the chase…

– What would you like me to do about this?

– How could I help you deal with this problem?

Say what you can and can’t do

• If you can do something about the issue…– Let me see if I can call the doctor and find out what the delay is.

– I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were saving your dinner for later. Let me see if I can get something else for you.

• If you can’t do anything to “fix the problem”– I can’t stay any longer. It would be nice to stay longer to keep you company.

– I’m sorry, I can’t do that right now.

Establish reasonable boundaries

• There is a limit to what you will tolerate

– I’m willing to listen, but you have to stop shouting at me (raising your voice…)

– I see that you are upset and want to talk about it, and  you’ll have to stop attacking me.

• If you feel physically threatened

– Step back, leave, if you must

– You have the right to end the conversation

– People have a right to vent and feel anger, but not to threaten others

40

What to do . . .

1. Secure your safety

– Space

– Help

– Time out

2. Monitor your own reactions and responses

– Calm down

– Use positive communication

– Don’t take it personally

3. Interact with the angry person

What else to do . . .

• Interact with the angry person

– Consider timing

– Acknowledge the other person’s anger

– Use active listening skills

– Confirm and affirm

– Use “I” statements to communicate your needs

– Empathize with the other person

– Avoid mentioning your intentions

Resolving the anger . . .

• Approach with an open mind

• Offer a solution

• Ask for alternate solutions or options

• Avoid asking “why?”

• Avoid using “but” – use “and” instead

• Thank the other person

• Allow some time

• Use a mediator if necessary

• If appropriate, apologize ‐ effectively

41

Asking forgiveness

• Our relationship is important to me

• I must have _______ (hurt, disappointed, upset) you

• What was it I did/said?

[ Explanation/answer ]

• When I did/said _________ I was wrong.

• Please forgive me for what I did/said.

[ Receive forgiveness ]  

From Intimate Encounters by Teresa Ferguson and Chris Thurman

Unit 8

Tips from the Field for Managing, Building, and 

Repairing Relationships during Crisis

• Keep an open mind• Ask the right questions• Have adult to adult conversations• Respect differences• Stay calm• Be able to laugh at yourself• Ideal = separate, equal & open• Be generous in word and deed• Use smart trust• Speak truthfully and know what truth is helpful in the moment

• Seek a win‐win• Use self regulation during crisis

42

HOW CAN ANYONE BOUNCE BACK FROM THE ANGER AND 

GRIEF THAT CAUSES BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS?

Begin with a Self Assessment

Let the wise listen and add to their learning,and let the discerning

get guidance.

King Solomon, Proverbs 1:5

READY(Green)

REACTING(Yellow)

INJURED(Orange)

ILL(Red)

Understand Your Stress Level

• Distress or impairment

• Mild and transient

• Anxious, irritable, or sad

• Behavior change

• More severe or persistent distress or impairment

• Leaves lasting memories, reactions, and expectations

• Stress injuries that don’t heal without help

• Symptoms and impairment persist over many weeks or get worse over time

• Good to go• Well trained• Prepared• Fit and

focused• Cohesive units

& ready families

43

Relationships in CrisisSpouse, significant other, family, friends

Relationships in CrisisSpouse, significant other, family, friends

Okay Needs Work Needs Help Good communication

Feeling close

Looking forward to seeing

Cooperating well

Playing well

Good sex

Good conversation

Affection

Openness

Responsiveness

Trouble communicating

Occasional fights and disagreements

Uncomfortable being together

Not having fun

Staying apart

Difficult or rare sex

Complaints from partner

Ambivalence

Guardedness

Poor comm.

Frequent fighting

Dreading contact

Emotional coldness

No sex

Irresolvable conflict

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Emotionally numb

Thoughts of hurting others or self

Spirituality

Emotion

MentalPhysical

Relation-ships

Roles in Life

Public Behavior

Work Function

Money

Finances

Resilience requires a balanced life

RESILIENCERESISTANCE RECOVERY

Enhance Resiliency Create Resistance Speed Recovery

Prevention of Permanent Stress Injury:

44

• The ability to adapt well to trauma, adversity, threats, and other stressors

• The ability to bounce back from difficulty

• The ability to cope in the face of distress

• The ability to be flexible in new or unusual circumstances 

• The ability to see opportunity in challenges through hope and a positive attitude

Resilience

• Stress-related growth

• Positive adjustment

• Positive adaptation

Resilience in adversity as a positive

Physics 101: Tensile Strength 

Strengthening of Materials – increasing the yield strength and toughness of materials. 

Strengthening mechanisms give engineers the ability to tailor the mechanical properties of materials to suit a variety of different applications by modifying the chemical structure and processing of the constituent material. 

45

“How does the caregiver or peer maintain, build, or repair resilient relationships 

during crisis?”

Basic Question:Question

• Add something 

– Learn new skills and increase education

• Remove impurities 

– Practice confession and holiness

• Add spiritual strength

– Prayer, study, reflection and meditation

• Add protection

– Have accountability partners and boundaries

• Experience transformation– Hardening and tempering through difficulties

Strengthening mechanismsfor healthy relationships

Gives ability to be resilient through stress of difficult situations without permanent injury or damage

Tensile strength for caregivers:Building  “yield strength and 

toughness”

46

• Have mission and purpose 

• Accentuate the positive

• Give to others out of their own need

• Have a heart of gratitude

• Maintain a sense of perspective

• Cling to their faith

• Can laugh at themselves

Resilient people

Critical Incident Stress Management

• Helps people regain purpose and mission – a reason to stabilize and cope

• Helps people reframe their crisis to view their situation from other perspectives, too

• Helps people use their own natural spiritual resources and strength to manage their own acute reactions through the crisis

• Helps people feel heard and validated

• Helps people know that their reactions are typical – not unusual given the circumstances 

Between stimulus and response there is a space.In that space is our power to choose our response.In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Victor Frankl

47

Instead of anger choose curiosity . . .

• I wonder why that driver cut me off?

• It’s interesting that it’s raining on the very day we picked for our annual picnic.

• I wonder why this person is being so rude to me?  I wonder what’s going on in his world?

• I wonder why she’s so grouchy and short with me? I wonder what happened to make her so irritable?

• I wonder why I feel so upset about what he said? 

• I wonder what would have made me happier?

When we are no longer able to change a situation,

we are challenged to change ourselves.

Victor Frankl

Additional Resources

• Stress Chart

• Bowen Theory definitions

• Peacemaker – Slippery Slope Diagram

• Reference/Bibliography

48

Dr. Naomi Paget, BCC, BCCC, BCCISMFBI Crisis Interventionist and Chaplain

Fellow, American Academy of Experts in Traumatic StressFellow, National Center for Crisis Management

npaget@earthlink.netwww.crisisplumbline.com

Managing RelationshipsDuring Crisis

STRESS SYMPTOMS

PHYSICAL COGNITIVE EMOTIONAL BEHAVIORAL SPIRITUAL

Chest pain* Chills Diarrhea Difficulty breathing* Disorientation Dizziness Elevated blood pressure* Equilibrium problems Fainting* Fatigue Grinding of teeth Headaches Insomnia Lower back pains Muscle tremors Nausea Neck & shoulder pains Nightmares Profuse sweating Rapid heart rate* Shock symptoms* Stomach problems Thirst Twitches Uncoordinated feeling Visual difficulties Vomiting Weakness Etc.

Blaming someone Confusion Difficulty identifying

familiar objects or people

Disturbed thinking Flashbacks Heightened or lowered alertness Hyper-vigilance Impaired thinking Increased or decreased awareness of surroundings Intrusive images Loss of time, place or person orientation Memory problems Nightmares Overly critical of others Overly sensitive Poor abstract thinking Poor attention Poor concentration Poor decision Poor problem solving Etc.

Abandonment Agitation Anger Anxiety Apprehension Denial Depression Emotional shock Excessive worry Fear Feeling helpless about life Feeling hopeless Feeling overwhelmed Flat affect - numbness Grief Guilt Inappropriate emotional response or lack of it Intense anger Irritability Loss of emotional control Phobias Rage Resentment Sever panic* (rare) Uncertainty Etc.

Alcohol consumption Antisocial acts* Avoiding thoughts, feelings or situations related to the event Changes in activity Changes in sexual functioning Changes in speech patterns Changes in usual communications Emotional outbursts Erratic movements Hyper-alert to environment Inability to relax Inability to rest Loss or increase in appetite Non-specific bodily complaints Pacing Silence Startle reflex intensified Suspiciousness Withdrawal Etc.

Acceptance or rejection of Providence Alienation Anger directed to God Awareness of the Holy Changes in religious observances Confusion regarding God Deepened spiritual awareness Emphasis on religious rites Hyper-repentance Imposed gratefulness Increased emphasis on religion Isolation Renewed search for meaning Sense of abandonment Sense of betrayal Sense of communion Sense of meaninglessness Sense of vocation in creation and providence Etc.

Naomi Paget, Stress in the Workplace, Marketplace Samaritans, Inc., 2000. *Requires immediate medical intervention

Definitions from Bowen Theory

Differentiation of Self:

“The ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one’s own emotional functioning is the essence of the concept of differentiation.” (Kerr & Bowen. 1988)

“Differentiation is a product of a way of thinking that translates into a way of being….Such changes are reflected in the ability to be in emotional contact with a difficult, emotionally charged problem and not feel compelled to preach about what others “should” do, not rush in to “fix” the problem and not pretend to be detached by emotionally insulating oneself.” (Kerr & Bowen 1988)

Fusion:

“Fusion or lack of differentiation is where individual choices are set aside in service of achieving harmony in the system” (Brown, 1999)

Fusion is where “people form intense relationships with others and their actions depend largely on the condition of the relationships at any given time…Decisions depend on what others think and whether the decision will disturb the fusion of the existing relationships.” (Papero, 2000)

Emotional Cut-off:

“The concept of emotional cut-off refers to the phenomenon of emotional distancing, whether the cut-off takes the form of internal mechanisms or physical distancing.”(Titelman. 1987)

“The emotional cut-off is a natural process. On a simple level people speak of the need for personal space…as a means of “explaining” their avoidance of others. Distance seems to be the safety valve of the emotional system. Yet at the same time distance leaves people primed for closeness….The more an individual employs cut-off to manage attachment to parents and the original family, the greater his or her vulnerability to intense emotional processes in current relationships.” (Papero.1990)

The Emotional System:

(As distinct from the feeling and intellectual systems; Common to all life forms; an automatic process) “The existence of a family emotional field is the product of an emotionally driven relationship process that is present in all families….This emotional process results in people’s occupying different functioning positions in a family.” (Kerr & Bowen 1988)

Unresolved Emotional Attachment

Everyone has some degree of unresolved attachment to his or her original family, but well-differentiated people have much more resolution than less differentiated people. An unresolved attachment can take many forms. For example, (1) a person feels more like a child when he is home and looks to his parents to make decisions for him that he can make for himself, or (2) a person feels guilty when he is in more contact with his parents and that he must solve their conflicts or distresses, or (3) a person feels enraged that his parents do not seem to understand or approve of him. An unresolved attachment relates to the immaturity of both the parents and the adult child, but people typically blame themselves or others for the problems. (Kerr, 2003)

Individuality and Togetherness:

“The emotional system operates as if it is governed by the interplay of two counterbalancing “life forces”…defined as individuality and togetherness.” (Kerr & Bowen 1988)

“When it is possible to observe the details of family interactions without being seduced into an undue focus on certain details, then it can be seen that what family members think, feel say and do reflects an emotional process that pertains to the family as a whole. This emotional process is assumed to be regulated by the interplay of a force that inclines people to follow their own directives, to be independent (individuality), and a force that inclines them to respond to directives from others, to be connected (togetherness). (Kerr & Bowen 1988) Systems Anxiety: “When aroused, the emotional system of the anxious individual tends to override the cognitive system and behaviour becomes increasingly automatic……..As the tension or anxiety mounts, the manifestations of togetherness and loss of individuality increase.” (Papero 1990)

Nuclear Family Emotional System:

A: Couple Conflict; B: Illness in a spouse: C: Projection of problem onto 1 or more children.

“The degree to which the undifferentiation of a nuclear family system is absorbed in one relationship or in the poor functioning of one person is the degree to which other relationships and other people are protected from dysfunction.” (Kerr & Bowen 1988)

Family Projection Process:

“The degree of a child’s relationship dependence is a product of the particular balance of forces that promote and undermine emotional separation of the child from the family……When a parent and a child function in ways that undermine separation, the anxiety and undifferentiation of the parental generation are transmitted to the next generation.” (Kerr & Bowen, 1988)

“An intense child focus, which can be positive or negative, presents significant developmental challenges to the young person as they come to function in reaction to others. This leaves them with little emotional breathing space to grow in thinking, feeling and acting for themselves.” Brown 2008

Multigenerational Transmission Process:

The multigenerational transmission process not only programs the levels of “self” people develop, but it also programs how people interact with others. Both types of programming affect the selection of a spouse. For example, if a family programs someone to attach intensely to others and to function in a helpless and indecisive way, he will likely select a mate who not only attaches to him with equal intensity, but one who directs others and make decisions for them. (Kerr, 2003)

“Over the generations, the invested children of each generation marry partners and operate with greater emotional intensity than did their parents. Their siblings create families with emotional levels that are similar or less intense than those of the original family. From this perspective in any family there are lines moving through time towards greater and lesser levels of differentiation.” (Papero, 1990)

Sibling Positions:

Based on Walter Toman’s sibling position profiles (1961) Toman’s “basic thesis is that important personality characteristics fit with the sibling position in which a person grew up……The degree to which a personality profile fits with normal provides a way to understand the level of differentiation and the direction of the projection process from one generation to generation.” (Bowen 1978)

Defining a Self:

A person ….can, through a gradual process of learning that is converted into action, become more of a self in his/her family and other relationship systems. This process of change has been called “defining a self” because visible action is taken to which others respond. A change in basic level can be achieved while in relationship to emotionally significant others, but not when others are avoided or when one’s actions disrupt a relationship.” (Kerr & Bowen 1988)

“If a therapist reacts to a family’s anxiety by telling people what to do, the resources of the family will quickly become submerged. If a therapist does not react, but just helps a family define the nature of the problem with which it is confronted (especially the relationship process that create and reinforce it), the resources of the family will resurface”(Kerr & Bowen, 1988: ). http://www.thefsi.com.au/definitions-bowen-theory/ Accessed 11/13/17 The Family Systems Institute

Responses to Conflict

FromPeacemakersMinistries

I don’t want to deal with this

I want to win I want you to lose

I can do something about this

I need help dealing with

this

Managing Relationships during Crisis

References / Bibliography Augsburger, David. Caring Enough to Confront. Fortress, 1979.

Augsburger, David. Anger and Assertiveness in Pastoral Care. Regal, 1980.

Bozeman, Jeannine Cannon and Argile Smith. Interpersonal Relationship Skills for Ministers. Pelican

Publishing: Gretna, 2004.

Cerling, Charles E.. Assertiveness and the Christian. Tyndale, 1983.

Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries Face to Face. Zondervan: Grand Rapids, 2003.

Covey, Stephen M. R. The Speed of Trust. New York: Free Press, 2006.

Diehm, William J.. How to Get Along with Difficult People. Broadman Press: Nashville, 1992.

Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue. New York:

Guiliford Press, 1985.

Gilbert, Roberta M. The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory. Falls Church: Lending Systems Press, 2006.

Grentz, Stanley J. and Roy D. Bell. Betrayal of Trust. Grand Rapids: Baker Books , 2001.

Halverstadt, Hugh F.. Managing Church Conflict. John Knox Press: Louisville, 1991.

Haugk, Kenneth C.. Antagonists in the Church. Augusburg: Minneapolis, 1988.

Leas, Speed B.. Discover Your Conflict Management Style. Alban Institute. 1997.

Operational Stress First Aid. QuickSeries Publishing, 2012.

Paget, Naomi. Four Stressful Fear Dances. Fountain Hills, AZ: CrisisPlumbline, 2010.

Patterson, Kerry. Influencer: The Power to Change Anything. McGraw-Hill. 2007

Peacemaker Ministries. Resolving Everyday Conflict. Peacemaker Ministries: Billings, MT, 2010.

Richardson, Ronald. Becoming a Healthier Pastor Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2005.

Richardson, Ronald. Creating a Healthier Church. Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1996.

Robert D. Dale. Surviving Difficult Church Members. Abingdon Press: Nashville, 1989.

Smalley, Gary. The DNA of Relationships. Colorado Springs: Smalley Publishing Group, 2007.

Smith, Manuel. When I Say “No” I Feel Guilty. Bantam, 1975.

Townsend, John. Beyond Boundaries. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2011.