Mark Manson 8/20/2012

10 Reasons Why You Failmarkmanson.net/why-you-fail

Think of something in your life that you’ve wanted to accomplish but haven’t. Something deep down. Whether it’sbecause you haven’t gotten around to it, are too timid to go for it, or you took a shot and failed spectacularly. Conjureup in your mind that big failure of your life. Perhaps you’re in the middle of it now.

It goes without saying, we all fuck up big time. That’s obvious. Of course, some of us are better at it than others, butthat’s kind of obvious too. And then there are those who string along coulda-shoulda moments throughout their lifelike the toilet paper I used to string up along my neighbor’s house as a kid — a failure so consistent, it borders on art.

In the years I’ve spent helping other people overcome their personal issues, I’ve often been asked what the biggestcause of failure was that I’ve come across.

Some people have relationship problems, some have money problems, others have anxiety issues, etc. But thebiggest problems I’ve seen in many of these people were not specific to relationships, money, confidence or whatever.It’s easy to figure out how to ask someone out, or how to start a business, or how to just do something even whenyou’re afraid. Dealing with your fear of abandonment, or your toxic money habits, or your screwed up beliefs aboutwhat others think about you? That’s a tad more involved.

Chances are, a profound struggle in one area of your life will bleed over into other aspects of your life. The principlesof failure are rarely prejudiced. The behaviors and thoughts that sabotage you in one area of your life will stalk you inother areas. That reticence to ever ask someone out on a date probably plays out in your failure to move to a newcity, to take that new job, the timidity around your domineering co-workers, your passive-aggressive relationships withyour family members.

When confronted with life’s biggest opportunities, most of us shit the bed. And then we enact a number of strategiesto avoid the pain and pressure inherent in reaching for our dreams. Below are 10 of the most common strategies forreluctance I can think of. We’ll start at the shallow end and work our way to the deep end. Read it and weep.

1. You’re afraid to stand out among the crowd

Emerson wrote, “Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the self-reliance of every one of its members.” Peopledon’t like it when other people change or do something that makes them feel awkward or insecure. Pushing ourselvesto reach our own greatness threatens the complacency of those around us, shining a light on their own squasheddreams and failed potential. In many cases, these people lash out. It makes them question themselves, which isdifficult for most to handle.

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I talked to a fellow internet entrepreneur last night. He’s started multiple online ventures. Some have failed. Somehave made money. All of it was struggle. He spent time traveling around the world and returned home for the holidays,where his father promptly told him that he needed to “be realistic” and get a “normal job.”

Simple fact of life: if you want to do something incredible, something that makes you stand out above the rest, thenyou have to become comfortable being different from the rest. People will think you’re weird, crazy, selfish, arrogant,irresponsible, obnoxious, stupid, disrespectful, fat, insecure, ugly, shallow, etc. Those closest to you will often becomethe harshest. If you have weak boundaries or are not confident with your own ideas and desires, then you’re not goingto make it very far.

2. You’re not persistent enough

In 2009, debut author Karl Marlantes finally published Matterhorn, a novel based on his experiences in the VietnamWar. The book was a hit. The New York Times called it “one of the most profound and devastating novels to evercome out of any war.” Mark Bowden, bestselling author of Black Hawk Down declared it the greatest book ever writtenabout The Vietnam War.

It took over 35 years for Marlantes to get his book published — more than half of his lifetime. He re-wrote themanuscript six separate times. For the first two decades, publishers hardly read it, much less rejected it.

Most of us give up on something we’re passionate about too soon. And anyone who’s been successful has a tale ofstruggle and perseverance to share. As the cliche goes, nothing worth having comes easy.

3. You lack humility

There are many people out there who accomplish a little bit and decide that they are an expert. Humility is knowingwhat you don’t know.

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In the world of online marketing and internet business, I began to notice a trend a couple of years ago in the businessowners I met. The people who had a big mouth, who regularly went on and on about what they accomplished,exaggerated their successes and sapped the attention from the ether around them — they were moderatelysuccessful at best. Sometimes they were not successful at all; i.e., they still had day jobs or even lived with theirparents. Yet they were more than willing to dole out their sage wisdom to anyone and everyone who would listen.

But the people who were legitimate, self-made millionaires, the ones who actually did scale to the peaks of theirindustries, they often admitted they did not know an answer, they downplayed their successes (or usually never evenmentioned them). Instead, they regularly pointed out their weaknesses and how they needed to learn more.

This did not strike me as a coincidence.

4. You fail to network and build strong relationships

I’m a perennial loner. I’m also a mild control freak with my projects. Whether it’s insecurity or obsessiveness or plainarrogance, I have trouble letting people influence whatever I’m working on or passionate about. It’scounterproductive. It single-handedly submarined my aspirations to be a professional musician once upon a time (anindustry based almost entirely on networking) and I’ve surely missed quite a few opportunities over the years with myinternet business because of my hesitance to reach out and connect with others who could help me.

It’s said that 66% of people hired for a job know someone within the company that’s hiring them. But even in the non-professional world, isolation can undo you just as quickly. Instead of going broke, you just go depressed. Creating a

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wealth of social and romantic relationships hinges on the ability to meet people and connect with them in ameaningful manner. Research shows that living without regular social contact is as unhealthy as smoking cigarettes.

5. You’d rather argue against advice instead of taking it

Guaranteed express ticket to sucking: trying to be right instead of good. I don’t care what it is, if you’re more investedin arguing your point of view against people who are trying to help you than you are in improving yourself, then you’veeffectively given up. And for all of your brainiac debating, you’re still too stupid to see it.

To succeed at anything, there’s a feedback loop that must be in place: try something -> get feedback and results ->learn from feedback and results -> try something new. People who are dead set on arguing why what they alreadybelieved is right (despite not working) are effectively breaking the chain off and not accepting feedback. Thereforethey will never change.

Not to say that everyone should always take advice from everybody, but you should accept feedback whether youbelieve it’s relevant or not, not try to argue your way into looking like you were right all along.

The people who suffer from this problem tend to be highly intelligent and extremely insecure. It’s a bad mix, becausethe more intelligent someone is, the more they’re able to rationalize their own bullshit excuses to themselves, and themore their intellect is used as a defense mechanism to protect their fragile ego.

6. You’re too distracted

Facebook newsfeed, Tweets, Reddits, sub-Reddits, Imgur, check email, Facebook again, back to Imgur, oh a funnycomic strip, post on Facebook, check email again, message on Facebook, funny cat pictures, tweet funny catpictures, look on Reddit for more funny cat pictures, rinse and repeat.

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Image credit: Sara Cimino

I apologize if I just described the majority of your waking life.

But the affliction of attention saturation disorder is not limited to useless social media interactions. Earlier this year Iexperimented with giving up sports and politics for a month. I was blown away with how much information I onceconsidered vital and important soon felt like meaningless fluff — sensationalized info-tainment meant to keep meclicking rather than informing and influencing my life.

7. You don’t take responsibility for what happens in your life

Also known as having-an-excuse-for-everything disorder. To fix the problems in your life you must have power overthem. You can’t have power over aspects of your life unless you take responsibility for them. Therefore if you don’ttake responsibility for what happens to you, you fail.

There are numerous situations in life which may seem completely unfair and insurmountable, like God decided to pissin your Corn Flakes® unfair, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I know it’s tempting to blame your problems on some external factor, to insist that it was impossible, that it wasn’t yourfault, that you couldn’t have done anything to help it, you see, it was Abu the taxi driver who accidentally ran oversome little boy’s dog, and the guy actually pulled over to see if it was OK causing a more-than-unnecessary 30-minutedelay, and the police came and questioned you until they realized you offered little Timmy some beer to make him feelbetter — i.e., to help him erase the impending decades of trauma and images of blood-splayed sidewalk that willsurely haunt the first quarter of his life — and stop the crying, my god, the little brat could fucking cry, you were justtrying to help, to clear his poor undeveloped psyche with some alcohol; but hey, then the cops came and the (drunk)little bastard told them about the beer, told them everything, ab-so-lute-ly everything EXCEPT that you were just being

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a nice guy, which you obviously never get credit for; and dude, it’s not your fault cops are so anal-fucking-retentiveabout child alcohol laws; it’s a fucking puritan, fascist state anyway; and hey man, I’m sorry I didn’t show up; it’s notmy fault, I promise it will never happen again; there’s always the next wedding, right? I won’t be in jail for that one, Ipromise.

Yeah, fuck people like that.

8. You don’t believe it’s possible

I’m a little hungry, so I’m going to outsource this bullet point to the Dagobah system ($3 an hour, great turnaroundtime) where Jedi Master Yoda will fill you in:

This isn’t some sort of manifestation/affirmation crap. There’s no supernatural power at work here (well, with MasterYoda there is, but with us, no). The mind’s unconscious beliefs about possibilities inform the level of effort andexpectation of success from the body’s behavior. For instance, one study showed that athletes who held inaccuratepositive beliefs about their own abilities outperformed athletes with accurate or negative beliefs about their ownabilities.

Beyond that, people who overestimate what they’re capable of are far more likely to actually, you know, get off theirass and try. And when you try and learn from your failures, you can eventually lead yourself to success. So, a littledelusion of grandeur goes a long way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pay Yoda $3 to help me with someparallel parking.

9. You’re afraid to care

Many people catch the indifference bug. They lack a clear, true passion. They’re reluctant to invest themselves top-to-bottom into a venture, project or pursuit. Many of them give up quickly. Others just lose interest. Many lack thewherewithal to even begin.

Chronic indifference is an insidious defense mechanism. It undermines the drive and motivation required to overcomeit. Unconsciously, many people are terrified to invest themselves into something because investing themselves into itcould potentially lead to failure and failure could potentially lead to a lot of thoughts their psyche is not yet prepared toface: questions about self-worth, competence, being worthy of love, etc.

Look, I’m no Freud, but in my experience, people crippled by indifference don’t overcome it until some otheremotional issue in their life is uprooted, confronted and kicked out.

10. Deep down, you don’t think you deserve what you want

Many (or most) of the bullet points above are actually top-layers for this underlying cause: believing you don’t deservewhat you want. Many of us, at our core, have buried beliefs and feelings about ourselves that aren’t so savory. Maybewe were teased a lot growing up, or our parents and teachers told us we wouldn’t amount to anything, or we werepunished for being smart by our peers. Whatever happened, something happened. And something inside us makesus feel uncomfortable with the idea of accomplishing too many great things as a result.

Entrepreneur and business consultant Sebastian Marshall wrote in his book Ikigai:

Last night, I was talking with my friend. I said, “If you did this, I’m pretty sure you could get your firstclient at $400/hr within 90 days.” It would have to be his main thing for the next 90 days, but it wouldlikely work.

His core goal right now is total financial freedom. And I laid out a plan that would get him there.

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But will he do it? I ask him.

He cringes and says … “No. I won’t.”

“So, that’s a million dollar question. Why won’t you?”

He replies, “I don’t know. I don’t even like thinking about it really, but I’ll try to. I don’t know, fear? I haveto confront my potential and the fact that I’m not living up to it? It doesn’t feel right? I don’t feel ready? Idon’t think I deserve that much? I think I’d have to study longer first? I don’t know.”

Why don’t people do it?

Hell, I offer to make people money for free, draw up a simple, clearly workable business plan, offer tohelp out. 80+% of them don’t take it.

It’s another self-esteem conundrum: you always find a way to get rid of what you feel isn’t rightfully yours. The heightsand burdens of success make some feel like a king and others like a fraud. For many, getting what they wantsummons that worm-tongued voice in the back of their mind, prodding their insecurities and fears until they find a wayto destroy everything they worked for. It may be a relationship with the best person you’ve ever loved; it may be adream job you can’t bring yourself to take; it may be a creative opportunity of a lifetime which you ignore for more“practical” pursuits; it may be merely hanging out with people who you actually admire and feeling like a ghost.

Whatever it is, the sludge pool of doubts bubbles up and finds a way, always finds a way, to ruin it for you — to makeyou ruin it for you — and that’s the hardest truth. It’s you. There is no other in this equation. And as much as you denyit, that fear will always linger and remain as an invisible barrier, a clear film separating you from happiness, pushedthrough and never broken. These issues can be overcome. But it’s painful and gut-wrenching. And then there’salways just another layer, simmering further below, more fear, ever-present, something we all eventually face overand over and over again.

But if you don’t believe me, believe Yoda:

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