marriage misunderstandings

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Marriage Misunderstandings premarital counseling, conflict resolution, marriage helps Andrew and Sara Knight

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Marriage Misunderstandings

premarital counseling, conflict resolution, marriage helps

Andrew and Sara Knight

                                                         

©  2012  Andrew  and  Sara  Knight  All  logos,  icons,  and  images  courtesy  of  Mysitemyway  Design  Team.  

 Scripture  quotations  are  from  The  Holy  Bible,  English  Standard  Version®  (ESV®),  copyright  ©  2001  by  Crossway,  a  publishing  ministry  of  Good  News  Publishers.  Used  by  permission.  All  

rights  reserved.    

See  http://LeaderMaking.com/Relationships.html  

Contents  1.    Christ – the source for marriage

2. Conflict – the future of marriage

3. Crazy Cycle – inevitable in marriage

4. Communication – understanding in marriage

5. Connectivity – the responsibility in marriage

6. Closeness – the misunderstanding of marriage

7. Currency – the reality of marriage

8. Calling – the partnership in marriage

9. Commitments – the expectations of marriage

10. Cleaving – the surprise of marriage

“Marriage  is  patterned  after  Christ’s  covenant  relationship  to  his  redeemed  people,  the  church.  And  therefore,  the  highest  meaning  and  the  most  ultimate  purpose  of  marriage  is  to  put  the  covenant  relationship  of  Christ  and  his  church  

on  display.  That  is  why  marriage  exists.…”  John  Piper  

Staying married, therefore, is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. ‘Til death do us part’ or ‘As long as we both shall live’ is a sacred covenant promise — the same kind Jesus made with his bride when he died forher.

Expectations

Beforehand  

q Listen  to  Tim  Keller’s  “Marriage”  or  Mark  Driscoll’s  “Peasant  Princess”  Audio  series  

q Attend  Bethlehem  Baptist  Church  Pre-­‐Marriage  Classes  

q Read  This  Momentary  Marriage  by  John  Piper  

q Listen  to  Relationships  Talk,  MNYC  2009,  by  the  Knight’s  

 

During  

q Prepare/Enrich  Assessment  

q Complete  all  assigned  discussion  ,  readings,  and  exercises  

q Read  Rick  Holland’s  10  dating  Principles  

 

After  

q Attend  BBC  Marriage  retreat  

q Set  up  Sunday  Spouse  Time  Evaluation  Sheet  

q Read  Love  that  Lasts  by  Gary  and  Betsy  Ricucci  

q Read  The  Exemplary  Husband  and  The  Exemplary  Wife  

 

 

Agreement  

           Marriage  can  be  the  greatest  experience  on  earth.  The  Heavenly  Creator  designed  it  that  way.  It  is  an  honor  that  you  are  considering  me  to  have  a  part  at  the  beginning.  Every  wedding  I  have  participated  in  has  been  a  joy.  I  care  deeply  about  the   couples   I  marry   and   feel   a   special   kinship  with   them   long   after,   even   over   great   distances.   So,   thank   you   for   this  invitation.    Since  marriage  is  the  most  profound  relationship  between  two  people,  and  my  agreement  to  lead  in  a  Christian  testimony  of   marriage   includes   my   pledge   to   pray   for   and   nurture   your   love,   I   ask   for   more   than   most   ministers   prior   to   the  wedding.   If  you  agree   to  meet   the   following  requirements,  which  reflect  my  personal  convictions  as   to  how  best   I  may  obey  the  Lord’s  instructions  on  marriage,  it  will  be  my  deep  pleasure  to  serve  at  your  wedding.  If  they  are  inconvenient  or  objectionable  in  some  way,  I  will  understand  your  decision  to  look  elsewhere.  They  are  things  that  I  have  found  worthy  of  our  time  and  will  add  strength  and  wisdom  and  richness  to  your  marriage.  The  Lord’s  grace  be  with  you.    YOUR  COMMITMENT  

1. You  must  agree  to  evaluate  the  biblical  injunctions  that  Christians  ought  to  marry  only  Christians  (1  Corinthians  7:39;  2  Corinthians  6:14).  My  understanding  of  Christian  is  one  who  trusts  in  Christ  by  following  his  commands  (1John  1:5  -­‐  2:6).  

2. You  must  agree  to  maintain  or  change  to  a  celibate  lifestyle  until  your  marriage.  3. You  must  agree  to  take  the  PREPARE  Pre-­‐marital   inventory  and  meet  for  3-­‐4  pre-­‐marital  sessions  prior  to  the  

wedding.  Topics  for  discussion  include  background  and  personality   issues,  communication,  conflict  resolution,  spiritual  life,  roles,  sexuality,  planning  the  ceremony,  etc.  These  have  proved  to  be  enjoyable  and  informative.  If  at  some  point  in  the  process  it  becomes  evident  that  a  conflict  exists  that  refuses  to  be  attended,  I  reserve  the  right  to  withdraw.  

 MY  COMMITMENT  

1. I  agree  to  plan  your  service  according  to  your  wishes  as  much  as  possible.  Creative  ideas  or  traditional  formats  are  fine.  Suggestions  from  others  (parents,  relatives,  etc.)  will  have  your  final  confirmation.  It  is  your  wedding.  

2. I  agree  to  pray  for  you  on  a  regular  basis,  not  only  that  your  marriage  endure,  but  that  it  will  be  enjoyable  as  you  learn  the  grace  and  truth  of  the  gospel  and  apply  it  to  your  home.  

3. I   agree   that   apart   from   the   cost   of   materials   used   in   the   pre-­‐marriage   counseling   ($30   for   the   PREPARE  inventory  and  any  study  books  you  may  purchase),  no  fee  is  required,  and  is  optional  and  at  your  discretion.  It  is  enough  payment  to  see  you  willing  to  work  at  your  marriage,  even  before  it  starts.  

 NOTE:  Though  the  rightness  or  wrongness  of  re-­‐marriage  after  divorce  has  long  been  debated  by  godly  Christians,  at  this  point  in  my  understanding,  my  conscience  does  not  permit  me  to  officiate  at  weddings  where  one  or  both  partners  have  been  divorced  and  the  divorced  partner  is  living.    I  agree  to  carry  out  the  terms  of  this  agreement.  

 

Mr.   __________________________________________          Date:  __________________________  

 

Ms.     __________________________________________            Date:    _________________________  

Timeline  

 

     

o Session  #1  –  Introductions  § Christ  –  the  source  for  marriage  § Conflict  –  the  future  of  marriage  

-­‐ Exercise:  Conflict  Resolution      

o Session  #2  –  Knowing  One  Another  § Crazy  Cycle  –  inevitable  in  marriage  § Communication  –  understanding  in  Marriage  § Connectivity  –  the  responsibility  in  marriage  

-­‐ Exercise:  Active  Listening      

o Session  #3  –  Living  with  one  Another  § Closeness  –  the  misunderstanding  in  marriage  § Currency  –  the  reality  of  marriage  § Calling  –  the  partnership  in  marriage  

-­‐ Exercise:  Budget      

o Session  #4  -­‐  -­‐  Expectations  for  Marriage  § Calling  –  the  partnership  in  marriage  § Commitments  –  the  expectations  of  marriage  § Cleaving  –  the  surprise  of  marriage  

-­‐ Exercise:  Ceremony  details  

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

DISCUSSION  

1. What  did  you  previously  think  about  the  purpose  of  marriage?  

2. How  does  realizing  all  marriages  will  end  make  you  feel?  

Christ Marriage exists to tell the Truth

about Christ and the Church  

1.    All  marriages  are  temporary  

• Matthew  22:30  • All  relationships  rise  in  intimacy  and  fulfillment  in  heaven  • Matthew  19:3-­‐9  on  Divorce  –No  Grounds  for  it  

 

2.    Marriage  is  the  relational  presentation  of  the  gospel  

• Ephesians  5:22-­‐33  • Covenant-­‐keeping  vs.  Staying  in  Love  

3.    Marriage  reveals  God-­‐like  roles  (Image-­‐bearing)  

• Husband  (God  the  Father)  • Wife  (God  the  Son;  “helper”)  • Mutual  Submission  –  I  Peter  3:1-­‐7,  Eph.  5:21  • Satan  attacked  this  from  beginning  • Complementary  vs.  Supplemental  view    

 4.    Marriage  exists  by  grace,  as  does  your  marriage  to  Christ.              (Expect  this)    

 

 

“Christ  restores  first  things  so  that  second  things  are  not  suppressed,  but  increased!    When  God  reigns  in  our  hearts,  peace  reigns  in  our  relationships.”  CS  Lewis  

“Remember,  your  relationships  have  not  been  designed  by  God  as  vehicles  for  human  happiness  but  as  instruments  of  redemption.”        Tim  Lane  and  Paul  Trip  

Submission  isn’t  a  matter  of  who  is  smarter  or  most  deserving.  Submission  in  marriage  is  simply  another  reflection  of  the  beautiful  pattern  of  roles  seen  in  the  Trinity.”  Elyse  Fitzpatrick    

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

DISCUSSION  

1. Identify  your  conflict  language?    How  might  this  be  hard  for  your  partner?  

2. What  do  you  need  to  hear  most  often  during  conflict?  

 

 

Conflict

In marriage you will have trouble…

1 Cor. 7:28  

1.    Expect  conflict  and  forgiveness  because  you  are  a  sinner  saved  by  grace.  

• Compartmentalizer  (salad)  vs.  • Personalizer  (soup)  

2.    Circumstances  do  not  cause  sin,  but  reveal  it.    3.    Identifying  your  conflict-­‐language:  

• Scream    • Sarcasm  • Silence    

4.    Humility  and  Initiation  are  conflict  killers  • Commitment  to  being  wrong  1st,  change  1st  • Understanding  BEFORE  being  Understood  • Act,  don’t  REACT;  Think    Initiate    Pray    

 5.    Talking  to  yourself  vs.  listening  to  yourself  

• Ask,  “How  does  she/he  feel?”                            not  “Is  it  right  for  them  to  feel  this  way.”  

• YOU  are  your  greatest  marriage  problem.  

No  human  relationships  can  exist  long-­‐term  without  the  matter  of  forgiveness.  (70  x  7  principle)  

Forgiveness  is  not  predicated  on  forgetfulness  OR  feeling,  BUT  on  promise.  

Conflict  Killer  Convo  1)  I’m  sorry.  2)  Will  you  forgive  me?  3)  What  can  I  do  to  make  it  up  to  you?    

Paradigms  

Bearing  vs.  Bringing  up  

Compost  pile  vs.  Convo  

Repentance  vs.  Relief  

Can  I  have  you  back?  

 

 Desire  Spiral  Desire  Demand  Need  Expectation  Disappointment  Punishment    Paul  David  Tripp,  Instruments  in  the  Redeemer’s  Hands  

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Exercise #1 Conflict Resolution – Honesty

 Goal:  honesty  and  brokenness    Exercise:  The  point  of  the  exercise  is  to  set  expectations  for  what  topics  might  ignite  or  have  already  ignited  conflict  for  a  couple.    The  key  is  to  get  sin/conflict  out  in  the  open  so  that  it  can  be  dealt  with  and  resolved.    This  exercise  is  not  helpful  unless  the  two  partners  are  very  honest  about  getting  their  dirty  laundry  and  true  feelings  out  in  the  open.        First,  answer,  “What  frustrates  you  most  often  about  your  spouse?    Why?”  (ie.  Pet-­‐peeve  sins)        Secondly,  when  is  it  helpful  to  bring  up  things  (to  confront  your  spouse  on  an  issue)  and  when  should  you  just  bear  with  them?    Make  a  list  of  things  that  would  be  considered  sin  on  their  part  (bring  up  items)  and  a  list  of  things  that  would  be  personality  quirks  or  living  habits,  which  are  not  sin  (which  are  examples  of  things  to  bear  with).    Share  when  finished  and  also  communicate  how  you  respond  best  to  confrontation.        Thirdly,  How  do  you  treat/view  your  spouse?    Identify  with  one:  “Do  you  dehumanize  your  spouse  in  that  they  either  become  vehicles  (to  serve  you)  or  obstacles  (that  get  in  the  way  of  your  idols)  more  often?  ~  Paul  David  Tripp      

 

HONESTY:    How  can  they  change  what  they  don’t  know  to  change?    They  cannot  know  what  hurts  you  unless  you  tell  them.  

Aim  to  Listen  and  Learn  from  your  spouse  and  not    defend  and  justify!  

BROKENNESS:  How  do  you  USE  or  ABUSE  your  spouse  for  your  own  selfish  ends?  

Bear  or  Bring  Up?  Asking  this  and  then  applying  it  will  revolutionize  your  marriage.    

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Crazy Cycle Ephesians 5:33 Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs  1.    Without  love  she  responds  without  respect  and  without  respect  he  responds  without  love      

• Air  hose  analogy  • Bus  Ride  analogy  

2.    He  made  them  male  and  Female  –  Jesus  

• Not  wrong,  just  different  (air  hose)  • Not  unequal,  just  unique    • Complementary  vs.  Supplementary  view  of  marriage  

3.    Conditional  vs.  Unconditional  Giving  of  love  and  respect  

• Not  about  deserving  it  –  What  condition(s)  do  you  hold  your  future  spouse  to  receive  love/respect?      

• But  needing  it  –  How  does  your  future  spouse  best  like  to  receive  love/respect?    

4.    Do  you  know  your  spouse  enough  to  meet  their  needs?  • 1  Peter  3:7    

 

Roles  to  Serve    Husband  

1) Love  2) Lead  3) Learn  

 Wife  

1) Submit  2) Respect  3) Help  

Faith  Biblical  Counseling,  Track  1    

A  Complement  adds  to  an  incomplete  thing,  thus  making  it  complete.        A  Supplement  is  an  addition  to  an  already  completed  entity.      

“Every  husband  is  responsible  to  know  his  own  wife  well  enough  to  apply  God’s  principles  to  living  with  her…He  should  live  with  her  while  taking  into  consideration  information  that  is  crucial.”      Stuart  Scott    

DISCUSSION  

1. Memorize  Ephesians  5:33.  

2. In  what  ways  do  you  feel  unloved  or  disrespected  by  your  fiancé?  

 

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Communication Blue and Pink are not just two

dialects, but two very different

languages  1.    Men  and  women  hear,  speak,  and  see  through:  pink/blue  hearing  aides,  pink/blue  megaphones,  and  pink/blue  glasses:  Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs

• It’s  not  just  what  you  say,  but  what  your  spouse  hears  too.      • Do  you  speak  with  words  they  understand,  listen  to  what  they  

mean,  and  see  through  their  eyes.    

2.    Proverbs  18:13  Principle  

• Justifying  vs.  Hearing  • Is  this  a  “Fix  it”  or  “Feel  it”  conversation?  

4.    It’s  not  what  you  say  most  of  the  time,  BUT:  

• When  you  say  it?  (timing)  • What  you  say?  (tact)  –  the  words  you  use  • How  you  say  it?  (tone)    

5.    Speaking  to  yourself  is  your  greatest  word  to  anyone  about  anything.    

DISCUSSION  

1. When  do  you  feel  most  misunderstood  by  your  fiancé?    

2. What  is  something  that  your  fiancé  does  not  know  about  you?  

 

“He  who  answers  before  He  hears  it  is  to  his  folly  and  his  shame.”    Proverbs  18:13  

“We  destroy  arguments  and  every  lofty  opinion  raised  against  the  knowledge  of  God,  and  take  every  thought  captive  to  obey  Christ,  being  ready  to  punish  every  disobedience,  when  your  obedience  is  complete.”      2  Cor.  10:5-­‐6  

4  Laws  of  Communication  

1. Be  Honest  2. Keep  Current  3. Attack  the        

Problem,  not  the  Person.  

4. Act,  don’t  React  Faith  Biblical  Counseling,  Track  1  

   

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

DISCUSSION  

1. How  do  you  think  your  fiancé  connects  most  deeply  and  frequently?  

2. What  steps  need  to  be  taken  to  meet  your  fiancé’s  need?      

 

Connectivity

Face  to  face  vs.  Shoulder  to  Shoulder    Love  and  Respect,  Emerson  Eggerichs    

 

1.    Women  connect  face-­‐to-­‐face  –  Emotional  

• Respect  her  need  to  have  you  open  up  • Respect  her  need  to  connect  over  deep  conversation  (Ask  

heart  questions)  

2.    Men  connect  shoulder-­‐to-­‐shoulder  –  Experiential  

• Respect  his  need  for  companionship  • Respect  his  need  for  shared  experience  

 3.    How  do  they  connect?    Feel  loved?  (5  love  languages)  

• Quality  time  • Gift  • Acts  of  service  • Words  of  affirmation  • Touch  

 4.    What  does  your  ideal  day-­‐off  look  like?    Evening  look  like?    

• Understand  the  differences?  • Serve  your  spouse  or  yourself?  

   

 

Wives  say…  C-­‐O-­‐U-­‐P-­‐L-­‐E    Closeness  Openness  Understanding  Peacemaking  Loyalty  Esteem    Husbands  say…  C-­‐H-­‐A-­‐I-­‐R-­‐S    Conquest  Hierarchy  Authority  Insight    Relationship  Sexuality  Love  and  Respect,  Emerson  Eggerichs  

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

 

Exercise #2 Understanding  –  Active  Listening    Prepare/Enrich  Assessment  Training      

Goal:  to  understand,  not  be  understood      Exercise:  Have  one  partner  verbalize  three  things  that  would  make  them  happy  if  their  partner  were  to  change  about  himself/herself.    “It  would  make  me  really  happy  if….”        The  listening  partner  is  to  hear  what  their  partner  says  and  repeat  it  back  to  them.    The  goal  is  not  to  be  understood,  but  to  understand.  Resist  the  urge  to  defend  or  justify  yourself  with  your  partner.    Just  try  to  understand  and  hear  what  they  communicate.        So,  repeat  back,  “I  heard  you  say  you  would  be  happier  if…”  

 

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

DISCUSSION  

1. What’s  the  purpose  of  closeness?    How  is  it  misunderstood  in  culture?  

2. Talk  over  your  relational/physical  past  after  having  completed  this  section  and  spoken  with  your  counselors.  

 

Closeness

Intimacy – everything is different,

yet everything is the same  1.    Purpose  

• Oneness  –  Tells  the  truth  about  God  and  People  • Service  vs.  Selfishness  (1  Cor.  7:3-­‐5)  

 2.    Expectations  

• Women  need  to  be  visually  generous  • Men  need  to  be  verbally  generous  and  affectionate  without  

sexual  intentions.      • What  are  your  sexual  preferences?  

 2.    Physical  vs.  Emotional  Intimacy  

• Women  are  generally  more  emotional  • Men  are  generally  more  physical  • Sex  for  a  man  ≠  Sex  for  a  woman  

3.    Physical  and  Emotional  intimacy  are  needs,  not  just  wants  

• Give  it  or  Deprive  it  • Motivation  vs.  Manipulation  • How  will  you  handle  one  another’s  needs?  

The  Center  for  Disease  Control  (CDC)  reports  that  about  60%  of  all  couples  now  cohabit  before  marriage.  They  also  surveyed  20,000  married  couples  (now  married  15  years  later)  who  had  cohabited  (CDC  Cohabitation  Study,  2012).  They  found  that  if  they  were  engaged  and  cohabiting,  the  divorce  rate  was  the  same  as  non-­‐cohabiting  couples.  

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Currency

Finances, “giving as much as you

can, saving as much as you can,

and living on as little as you can.”  1.    Expectations    

• Why  do  most  marriages  begin  to  crumble  at  the  subject  of  finances?  

• Who  will  be  the  buck  stopper?  • How  will  they  be  done?  • When  will  they  be  tracked?  

2.    Philosophy  

• Saving  –  how  and  where  does  each  spouse  save?  • Spending  –  what  did  each  spouse  spend  money  on?  • Giving  –  how  and  to  who  does  each  spouse  currently  give?  

3.    Potential  Problems  

• No  budget  • Lack  of  planning  • Trust  • Be  Flexible  

 

DISCUSSION  

1. Identify  the  saver  and  the  spender  of  the  relationship?  

2. Which  convictions  do  you  want  to  direct  your  financial  philosophy  

Is  the  rigidness  of  a  financial  philosophy  and  the  exactness  of  counting  pennies  worth  having  if  it  means  your  marriage  suffers?    You  can  have  the  whole  world…  yet  forfeit  your  soul        TREASURE  PRINCIPLES  1.    God  owns  everything;  I’m  His  money  manager.  We  are  the  managers  of  the  assets  God  has  entrusted—not  given—to  us.  2.    My  heart  always  goes  where  I  put  God’s  money.  Watch  what  happens  when  you  reallocate  your  money  from  temporal  things  to  eternal  things  3.    Heaven—the  New  Earth,  not  the  present  one—is  my  home.    We  are  citizens  of    “a  better  country—a  heavenly  one”(Hebrews  11:16).  4.    I  should  live  today  not  for  the  dot,  but  for  the  line.    From  the  dot—our  present  life  on  earth—extends  a  line  that  goes  on  forever,  which  is  eternity  in  Heaven  5.    Giving  is  the  only  antidote  to  materialism.  Giving  is  a  joyful  surrender  to  a  greater  person  and  a  greater  agenda.  It  dethrones  me  and  exalts  Him.  6.      God  prospers  me  not  to  raise  my  standard  of  living  but  to  raise  my  standard  of  giving.    Randy  Alcorn,  epm.org    

 

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Calling

Your roads never fork?

 1.    Expectations  

• Do  you  have  similar  dreams/ambitions?  • What  do  you  do  when  you  don’t?  

-­‐ Pray  for  God  to  give  a  united  stance.  -­‐ Trust  he  will  not  make  you  deny  one  calling  for  

another.      -­‐ Submit  to  God’s  design  in  headship  

• Best  Friends  vs.  Ministry/business  partner  

2.    Calling  –  defined  

• desire  • gifting  • opportunity  • need  

4. In  marriage  when  we  say  “I  do”  that  means  we  could  be  saying  “I  don’t”  to  something  else.  

• Wives  need  to  hear  this  • Husbands  need  to  see  this  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DISCUSSION  

1. What  is  your  most  ideal  future  or  occupational  scenario  and  which  one  scares  you  the  most?  

2. What  will  you  do  when  you  disagree  over  your  future  or  decision-­‐making?  

What  are  your  convictions?      

Your  convictions  do  not  prevent  a  difference  in  life  trajectory,  but  can  surely  refine  and  narrow  the  trajectories  you  could  walk  down  or  be  forced  to  choose  from  one  day.  

 

A  calling  to  Christ  should  never  make  you  forfeit  your  calling  as  a  spouse  (but  only  further  it).    If  it  does,  one  needs  to  reexamine  and  reconsider  what  he  or  she  has  been  called  to  and  ask,    ‘Is  the  Caller  legitimately  God  or  me?’  

Calling  

What  we  do  

Where  we  do  it  

Why  we  do  it  

How  we  do  it  

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Exercise #3 The Budget – Working Together Goal:  to  save  and  give  as  much  as  you  can,  while  living  on  as  little  as  you  can    Exercise:  Fill  in  the  following  fields…  

 

Total  Couple  Income:    $  _______________  

Total  Couple  Giving:        $  _______________  

Total  Couple  Saving:      $  ________________  

 

Remaining  Amount  to  Budget:  $  ______________  

Housing          $  ___________________  

Insurances  $  ___________________  

Utilities              $  ___________________  

Loans                      $  ___________________  

Food                          $  ___________________  

Dates                        $  ___________________  

Clothing              $  ___________________  

Auto/Gas          $  ___________________  

Toiletries          $  ___________________  

Misc                              $  ___________________  

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Commitments

Expectations are everything. Except

of course when they are not stated.

1. Expectations

• Home? • Schedule? • Family? • Vacations? • Cooking? • Yard? • Sleep, Wake up, Go to Bed… • Ideal Night? • Sex/Intimacy? • Conflict?

2. Expectations are never indefinite?

• Am I meeting your expectations? • Sunday Spouse Time

§ Spiritual § Physical § Organizational § Financial

DISCUSSION  

1. Which  areas  do  you  line  up  most  evenly?    Most  differently?  

2. In  what  ways  are  your  expectations  unrealistic?  

Proverbs  13:12  

Hope  deferred  makes  the  heart  sick,  but  a  desire  fulfilled  is  a  tree  of  life”  (ESV)  

Don’t  forget  to  set  expectations  in  the  “little  things”  because  you  will  be  doing  a  lot  of  the  “little  things.”  

 

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Cleaving

you shall leave your father and

mother and cleave to your wife 1. Easier said than done, but more beautiful done

than said!

2. Expectations

• What would you like to see happen before we could get married?

• What will be hard for you to leave? • In what areas are you more set in your ways?

3. Leaving – literally means “to desert”

• Who is doing more of the leaving? • Evaluate what each of you are leaving

4. Cleaving – means “being joined”

• What will be “fresh start” for you? (ie. Living) • What are you looking for one to fill

emotionally/relationally? • What roles are each one looking for the other to fill

practically?

 

 

 

 

DISCUSSION  

3. What  will  each  spouse  find  it  hardest  to  leave?    Family?    Traditions?  

4. What  does  each  spouse  think  the  other  needs  to  learn  to  leave  now?  

The  exercise  or  loss  of  this  principle  will  make  or  break  your  marriage.  

Leaving  

1) Family  

2) Traditions  

3) Practices  

4) Values  

 

Cleaving  

1) United  front  

2) Loyalty  

3) Submission  

4) Serve  

5) Priority  

 

 

Marriage Misunderstandings – Knights

Notes…  

Exercise #4 The Ceremony – Illustrating the Gospel Goal: structure a service that tells the truth about the Gospel and is personally satisfying. Exercise: Account for the following details…

q Music q Vows: traditional or personal q Processionals q Order of Ceremony – get from Officiant q Rings q Ushers q Ring Bearer or Flower Girl? q Family Preferences q Officiant/Pastor q Wedding Coordinator? q Message Preference/Focus

 

 

 

 

                                                                         

         

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