millie- week 4
TRANSCRIPT
Craiglisted Pilot: "The Price Was Right"
By
Millie Graham
TEASER
INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM- 3P.M.
Kids file out of the 7th grade classroom in a ruckus.
CASEY MACGILL,late twenties, puts his feet up on the
teacher’s desk and scans emails half- heartedly. He misses a
bolded message from "BILL MURRAY RE: CRAIGSLIST".
IRA DANIELS, Gangly and easily excited friend of Casey,
rushes into the classroom, followed by PAULIE MARTIN,
sensitive Bro with a mild Boston accent, never looks up from
his cell. They clearly hang out here often.
IRA
Casey, Casey, Casey. Guess what?
CASEY
What?
PAULIE
Ira got his call back for THE PRICE
IS RIGHT.
IRA
Come on!
PAULIE
(to Ira)
You’re taking too long.
(to Casey)
It’s this Friday.
CASEY
Ah, man that’s great!
IRA
Thank you.
CASEY
You know what this means.
IRA
No.
PAULIE
We’re going to get you in shape for
this one.
Casey jumps up and grabs a high end video camera.
2.
IRA
No. I told you guys, nothing works.
My paralyzing camera shyness can’t
be solved by--
Ira spots the camera pointing at him and freezes. His ENTIRE
BODY. He makes a frighteningly fake smile and stares
directly into the camera.
PAULIE
Oh my god, he’s like one of those
fainting goats.
IRA (CONT’D)
(slowly)
drinking. I will still know. My
body will know.
CASEY
Relax, buddy, it’s not even on.
Ira relaxes.
IRA
Don’t scare me like that.
PAULIE
Yeah, his uncomfortably small
bladder can’t take it.
IRA
It’s not small. I just drink a lot
of water.
PAULIE
Speaking of freakishly small and
leaking, how’s the apartment search
going?
CASEY
No bites. I’ve got a few feelers
out there on those ad things.
Casey looks at his computer again. and again.
CASEY
Is this legit?
Casey flips the screen around. The guys lean in. They both
look shocked. They both put their hands out to steady them
to chairs behind them, Ira misses and hits the floor. He
recovers quickly.
3.
CASEY
(reading)
Hi Casey, This is Bill. I noticed
your ad on Craigslist looking for a
reasonalby priced apartment to rent
in the LA area-
PAULIE
Wait a min. You’ve got to read it
like him. Give that to me.
PAULIE
(nasally imitation of Bill
Murray)
I happen to be looking for a tenant
to sublet a condo for me in Santa
Monica $800 a month. It’s got 3
bedrooms, and I just need someone
there to take care of it and feed
my plants.
Paulie stops reading for a moment and runs his fingers
through his slicked back hair making it stand out at the
ends.
CASEY
What is going on right now?
Paulie hands the computer to Ira.
IRA
(clears throat)
Let me take a stab at this.
(Ray Romano impression)
I had to fire my house cleaner
yesterday, so this is a time
sensitive decision-
PAULIE
Who are you even doing?
IRA
Bill Murray.
PAULIE
No you’re not. You sound like Ray
Romano.
IRA
That’s the only one I can do.
4.
CASEY
Quit it, guys. It’s signed
BM...Paulie, can you call one of
your agent friends to find out if
this is for real?
PAULIE
On it... Check and Check. Billy’s
out of town alrigt, in Costa Rica
shooting ME MY SLOTH AND IKE till
2016.
CASEY
Bill Murray just offered us a
condo, for 2 years. That’s such a
decent thing to do. I think I might
cry.
PAULIE
But What if it isn’t him?
IRA
What if it is?
CASEY
Can you imagine the bazillion
opportunities we’d get?
PAULIE
The celebrity parties, the model
girlfriends...
CASEY
THE JOBS?
IRA
we could get in a circle jerk and
finally cross streams.
PAULIE
There was the line, and you crossed
it.
The three stare at the ad on the screen for a beat.
CASEY
So, we should do this? A chance at
Bill Murray’s pad in Santa Monica?
What have we got to lose?
5.
EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- DAY
SUPER: THE NEXT DAY
The Three Guys stand in the doorway looking into the condo.
Casey drops the signed lease agreement.
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME
Inside the condo, it is an organized chaos. The living room
is a mix between the Jungle Room in Graceland and miniature
model from a Wes Anderson, complete with full sized nude
paintings, picasso style portraits, bronze busts, etc. even
a stuffed groundhog.
An empty glass cabinet has a place of honor in the middle of
the living room. It says "Oscar case"
The adjoining kitchen has a gawdy brick and dark oak
treatment.
There are various overgrown houseplants everywhere.
Including some large venus fly traps.
In the back are the three bedrooms, down a shallow hallway
with more fan art. A storage closet has "DO NOT OPEN"
written on it in red paint.
Nothing seems overly personal, but gives off the air of a
museum of curiosities.
They guys don’t move from the doorway, their mouths are
agape.
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE
ACT 1
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME
The guys make their way into the condo, carefully setting
thier boxes down in the living room.
Ira gives the groundhog a stare down.
IRA
(to Casey)
I don’t know about this place. Give
me the creeps.
6.
CASEY
Come on, we knew there would be a
few kinks about moving here. But
just look at that view!
While Ira and Paulie look away, Casey hides a jar of green
slime behind the television set.
PAULIE
Which one? From here it looks like
Santa Monica via the Disneyland
Jungle Cruise.
CASEY
Think of it like a tropical
oasis... and instead of Easter
Island, we’ve got-
IRA
the cast of Saturday Night Live
1975.
Ira holds up a picture of the SNL Cast in cardboard cutouts.
PAULIE
I’m still not sure that this is the
real Bill Murray’s place.
LAWRENCE OLIVER,60s stuffy and nosy landlord, clears his
throat, announcing his presence in the open entranceway.
LAWRENCE
Which one of you is...
He refers to his papers.
LAWRENCE
Casey Macgill?
Casey greets Lawrence with apprehension.
CASEY
That’s me. These are my roommates
Paulie and Ira... The lawyer said
the super was going to meet us when
we got here. You must be him?
LAWRENCE
Landlord.
Paulie shakes Lawrence’s hand. Lawrence is preoccupied with
Ira, who is swinging golf clubs.
7.
PAULIE
Mr. Landlord, This place is is
quite the kicker.
LAWRENCE
No, no, no. I’m the landlord.
That’s not my na-
Lawrence breaks the handshake and grabs the golf club from
Ira. He holds it authoritatively.
LAWRENCE
DO NOT touch that.
Ira stands at attention. Lawrence turns on Paulie, Swinging
the club with a whip.
LAWRENCE
It is Lawrence, young man.
PAULIE
The house is Lawrence?
Lawrence throws a business card at Paulie with disgust.
PAULIE
(reading)
Lawrence Oliver. Landlord. That
sounds fancy. It has a nice ring to
it. Lawrence Oliver Landlord. Mr.
Larry oliver Landlord. Or do you
prefer just Mr. Landlord?
Ira grabs the card from Paulie’s hand.
IRA
Lawrence Olivier? Like the famous
actor?
PAULIE
You’re an actor, too? Give me that
card back Ira. I’ll need it when I
sign him.
Paulie puts his arm around Lawrence’s shoulder.
PAULIE
Mr. Landlord, Are you in the market
for a new agent? I happen to know a
guy who’d be just the ticket...me.
It’s me.
8.
IRA
Oh wait, man. I read that wrong.
You were right the first time
Paulie. It’s Oliver, not Olivier.
He’s not the famous guy.
Paulie lets go of a steamed Lawrence.
PAULIE
(to Ira)
Now why’d you go and let me make a
fool outta myself like that.
Lawrence glares at the two of them until they quiet down.
LAWRENCE
(defeated)
Shall we begin?
He guides the three to sit down on the living room sofa. The
cusions swallow them, as they wrestle to the surface.
Lawrence pulls out a very large spiral bound book.
Paulie groans.
LAWRENCE
This is an very exclusive complex.
As a tenant, our rules are
explicit.
Lawrence drops the book in Casey’s lap.
LAWRENCE
Failure to comply with all the
rules will result in immediate
removal of both the subleaser and
the leasee.
Very carefully, Lawrence replaces the golf club and fixes
the direction of a few bobbleheads on the shelf before
walking out the door.
Casey fans through the rules book. Paulie and walks to the
bedrooms.
CASEY
(reading)
Tenant must participate in a
bi-weekly earthquake drill, 5am on
Tuesdays and Fridays.
9.
PAULIE (O.S.)
Dude. This is awful.
Casey goes to check on Paulie. Ira leans over and picks a
page of the rule book.
IRA
How did this weird-ass condo get by
on Larry’s rules? Listen to this-
Noticing the absence of an audience, Ira walks down the
hallway.
Paulie comes running down the hall and intercepts Ira.
PAULIE
Man, there is no way. A freakin
screening room and bedroom with a
rolling feed of his movies.
Casey pops his head out of a bedroom.
CASEY
What’s on now?
PAULIE
I don’t know, it’s something in
Japan or something. Looks
depressing.
IRA
Lost in Translation.
PAULIE
I’m trying to explain it the best I
can manage. Don’t make fun of me.
IRA
I’m not. That’s the movie.
Casey walks back to the bedrooms.
CASEY (O.S.)
I’ll take this one.
PAULIE
Fine by me.
Ira shrugs. Ira and Paulie retreat to the other bedrooms.
Ira runs out and knocks on the doors. A loud ticking sound
is heard when the door is open.
10.
IRA
Somebody swap with me. I can’t stay
in this room. This clock is going
to drive me nuts.
Paulie opens the door.
PAULIE
Thank God, I couldn’t work in a
space like that. It’s a freaking
submarine!
IRA
Cool.
Casey walks into the living room.
CASEY
SHHH!
IRA
What?
Casey points to the front door. He creeps over and holds the
handle, counting 1,2,3, opening the door quickly.
Lawrence, who was leaning against the door, falls to the
floor in front of them.
PAULIE
What the Hell, Landy?
Lawrence picks himself up sheepishly.
LAWRENCE
Hello Gentlemen,I was, just, I was
checking for termites.
Lawrence leans down to the baseboards of the floor.
LAWRENCE
Can you hear that?
He beckons Casey to follow. Casey puts his ear to the
ground.
CASEY
I don’t hear anything.
LAWRENCE
Well, that’s good news. They
haven’t infiltrated yet.
Lawrence backs out of the apartment.
11.
LAWRENCE (CONT’D)
Keep your eyes and ears open.
Termites strike when you least
expect it. If you hear any
scratching around the doorframe, or
any shade covering the peephole, do
not open the door or they will
infiltrate.
PAULIE
Hold on, we’ve got a few questions
about this Lawrence house, Landy...
Is this really Bill Murray’s place?
Lawrence nods furiously and shuts the door behind him.
EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- CONTINUING
PAULIE
(yelling to Lawrence as he
closes the door)
Wait, is that a yes?
A beautiful and slightly hippie DAISY MARTIN, 30, opens her
door across the hall. She looks puzzled.
DAISY
It depends on what the question is.
Paulie’s jaw drops.
PAULIE
Whoa.
They size each other up.
DAISY
I’m--
LADY VOICE (O.S.)
Daisy? Is it my Ankle Genie?
DAISY
(to woman inside)
No, I thought it was but there’s
nothing here.
Daisy goes inside and shuts the door.
CASEY (O.S.)
Paulie?
Paulie goes inside.
12.
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- CONTINUING
Casey and Ira are pulling out bed linens from boxes when
Paulie enters. Casey gives him a puzzled look.
PAULIE
Landy is a piece of work.
CASEY
You do know that no part of his
name includes Landlord, right?
PAULIE
Yeah, no, I knew that... Whatever,
somebody help me with this box.
Ira, we’ve got to get these dummy
boards up and running.
Ira and Paulie pull out pieces of game show boards: giant
dice, hockey pucks, an oversized deck of cards, etc.
CASEY
WHat’s with the sudden change of
character? I thought you said this
place gave you the creeps.
PAULIE
So, it’s grown on me, get off my
back.
Casey’s phone rings the Indiana Jones theme.
CASEY
Hello?... Are you sure? Wow, this
is great. Thanks. Yeah, 330.
Paramount. Got it.
He hangs up.
CASEY
You guys. I told you this place was
good luck.
IRA
No you didn’t.
CASEY
I am now. That was Barry Vernon on
the phone.
They stare at him blankly.
13.
CASEY
Barry Vernon of Warner Brothers.
The head of development.
Casey waits for them to recognize.
PAULIE
Ohhh, that Barry. Hey, that’s great
man.
CASEY
I gotta go right away.
I,uh...Where’s my?
Ira hands Casey his briefcase, and Paulie puts sunglasses on
his face, and car keys in his other hand.
Casey guestures for his phone.
PAULIE
You’re phone’s in your pocket.
You’ll do great man. Call if you
need traffic help.
CASEY
Thanks, you guys are awesome.
Paulie pushed Casey out the door.
PAULIE
Bye now. Have fun!
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- LATER
Paulie and Ira have set up a homemade Price is Right show:
Plinko, Clifhanger, and Punch-A-Wall.
PAULIE
Alright, Ira, test out those
buzzers.
Ira hits a giant red button. no noises. He fiddles with the
buzzer.
IRA
They’re plugged in. Maybe there’s
another outlet.
Ira follows the cord around and unplugs it.
14.
IRA
The only outlet that I know works
is lighting up the naked portrait.
Ira unplugs it and plugs in the buzzer.
A SIREN GOES OFF. RED STROBE LIGHTS.
PAULIE
It’s the Fuzz. Get down!
Paulie tackles Ira to the ground.
The front door swings open and Daisy enters. Deftly, she
walks over them and wiggles the ears on the Bill Murray
bronze bust.
A secret door in the living room opens up and Daisy
disappears behind it for a moment. The lights and sirens
stop.
Daisy returns to the pair on the floor.
DAISY
Should I leave you two alone?
Paulie and Ira untangle and get up.
PAULIE
Ira get off of me, it’s just the
security alarm... Hey, it’s you.
DAISY
Yeah. It’s me. Daisy.
PAULIE
Paulie.
IRA
How’d you know about the alarm?
DAISY
Me and Billy go back a few years.
Actually, it’s a funny story. We
moved in together. I didn’t move
into his place; no I mean, Billy
moved in, then I moved in. He moved
in here, and then I moved in here,
across from him. Across the hall.
IRA
(Groucho Marx impression)
MORE
15.
IRA (cont’d)Would you believe, I don’t care
what the heck she’s saying, but I
want to hear it for hours?
DAISY
Yeah, anyway. We’re close. Billy
and I. You two and I are not close.
IRA AND PAULIE
Not Yet.
DAISY
And there were times Billy would be
away and he’d ask me to get
something for so and so, and i’d
have to come in here to get
whatever it was. Billy thought it
was a nice joke that i’d still have
to give him some sugar before i’d
get any of his goods. Does that
answer your question?
IRA
Wow, I don’t even remember the
question i was asking.
DAISY
The security system. To make a long
story short, Bill and I are, well,
we’re friends, i guess you could
say.
PAULIE
Just friends.
DAISY
Well, I wouldn’t say just that.
IRA
So what were you then?
DAISY
We were friends but then one night
he came over, ahd I mean he really,
It was a long day. I let the poor
guy in, we had a vew drinks and --
Paulie sits on the buzzer. The "Loser horn" buzzer whines.
DAISY
Now I’ve said to much.
16.
PAULIE
I didn’t hear much of anything.
Daisy looks at her phone.
DAISY
Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to
get back over there. I have to feed
my... fish.
PAULIE
Can’t you stay for a bit? we’ll
need a lot of help figuring out the
alarm thing-a-ma-jigger.
IRA
No we don’t. Look, I’ve got the
key.
Paulie shoots daggers at Ira. Ira shrugs.
PAULIE
Could you at least stay for a
drink?
DAISY
I don’t drink anymore.
IRA
All of me wants to ask why, but I’m
afraid i’ll be standing here
another 2 hours.
DAISY
I’ll see you around, neighbor.
Daisy winks as she shuts the door on her way out.
PAULIE
Now, why’d you go and do that for?
The girl of my dreams just walked
out of my arms.
EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- LATER
Casey bounds up the flight of stairs two at a time to the
apartment complex. He reaches the top as Daisy opens her
door. Casey stops dead in his tracks. He turns on the charm.
CASEY
Hi Neighbor.
17.
DAISY
You moved into Billy’s place?
CASEY
Oh yeah, we’re taking care of it
for him for a while... I owed him
one.
DAISY
Really? He never mentioned you.
CASEY
Oh, he wouldn’t. I made him swear
not to tell another soul.
DAISY
How sweet. He’s such a dear man,
sometimes.
CASEY
He’s just the greatest, isn’t he?
DAISY
So you’ve been over to this pad
before?
CASEY
Only a few times. I mean, it was
really late. I’ve crashed on the
couch. You would’ve missed me. I’m
out early in the morning. Gotta get
to school to share my love of
grammar with the little ones.
DAISY
Oh, you’re a teacher? That’s so
great. I remeber my first grade
teacher, well I think I do. She was
super tall and softspoken, well I
bet she wasn’t really that tall at
all, but you know, I was what four
foot tall then--
WOMAN (0.S.)
Daisy?! Get in here. The Disposall
is acting up again. You’re going to
have to get the plunger--
Daisy shuts the door to block out the voice.
DAISY
Sorry, gotta run. It was lovely to
meet you.
18.
Casey fumbles with the key in the door.
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- CONTINUING
Casey walks in on Cloud 9. Ira is dropping chips down a
homemade Plinko board. Paulie assists.
CASEY
Guys, I’ve just met my dream girl
and Paramount wants me to direct
Johnny Depp.
IRA
That’s crazy! So did Paulie.
PAULIE
Yeah, Daisy.
Paulie returns to dream state like Casey.
CASEY
What a coincidence, my girl’s
name’s Daisy too... wait. Your’s
doesn’t live across the way, does
she?
PAULIE
As a matter of fact she does.
It both dawns on them.
CASEY
That long legged blonde is mine.
PAULIE
No way in Hell! Daisy likes me.
CASEY
I seriously doubt that. She’s
obviously busy thinking about me
right now.
PAULIE
She liked me first. Finders keepers
losers weepers.
Paulie and Casey square off to
IRA
Hold it right there guys. We’re not
going to settle this like you
settled Nacy Carmichael in second
grade. We’re men now.
19.
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- LATER
Paulie and Casey are set up with game buzzers and podiums.
They are very serious. Ira holds cue cards.
IRA
Heeeerrreee it comes, From the Bill
Murray Condo in Santa Monica. It’s
The Price is Right! Today you two
are playing for fabulous prizes,
including dibs to date the girl
next door, Daisy!
END OF ACT 1
ACT 2
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- RESUME SCENE
IRA
Welcome back to the Price Is Right!
Now, Paulie won the first round,
with the Talking Bass Fish retailed
at one hundred fifty dollars, but
the game’s not over yet. There’s
still the Showcase Showdown.
Ira pulls the sheet off of a display of tiny toy cars.
IRA
Here it is. Four genuine luxury
European cars. Perfect for a night
on the town with Daisy. Is she a
Ferrari type? or maybe a Beamer
Girl? All the options are
available, here with this fabulous
prize. Oh, and I almost forgot
about this.
Ira plops two gift cards on the table.
IRA
Two Olive Garden gift cards with an
undisclosed amount. Paulie all of
this can be yours, or you can give
MORE
20.
IRA (cont’d)it to Casey and you get the next
one.
Ira plays a ticking clock noise. Paulie paces, deciding.
IRA
I’m going to need a decision now.
PAULIE
Ok, I... I give it to Casey.
IRA
Alright, now Casey, I must remind
you in this bid that the cars
pricing is reflective of the retail
toy car pricing. Now, what is your
bid?
CASEY
Thirty five, Bob.
IRA
Alright. Now let’s check out
Paulie’s prizes.
Ira hurries over to the kitchen and brings back an Ice cream
machine. Ira models it for them.
IRA
Here it is, a genuine old fashioned
ice cream machine. Together you and
Daisy can have a romantic picnic
outdoors, indoors, or anywhere
provided there is a power outlet
and plenty of rock salt.
The front door swings open. Daisy enters. Ira is oblivious
IRA (CONT’D)
This romantic getaway package can
be yours, if you bid right.
DAISY
Hey guys, I was wondering if you
had any-
Daisy’s words trail off as she looks around.
IRA
So, Paulie, I need an answer buddy.
Bid correctly and win the dibs to
Daisy.
21.
Paulie and Casey frantically wave their hands to signal Ira.
DAISY
What the hell? You’re having a dibs
game over me?
PAULIE
We had to settle it some ways.
IRA
Let me see if I can help explain
this. Casey and Paulie here both
like you. Like like you like you.
But both of them can’t be dating
you, so they decided to fight for
your hand.
DAISY
That is ridiculously mideval. I’m
not some freakin prize to be
won. Did any of you guys, I don’t
know, think to ask me who I would
want?
They all stare back, afraid to answer.
(cont’d)
Of course not.
CASEY
I realize how this looks, but we
were really trying to save our own
asses with this one.
PAULIE
Yeah, This little punk couldn’t
handle the rage I was gonna thow
his way.
CASEY
My way? I thought you were scared
of me.
PAULIE
Scared of you? Hah!
They square off to wrestle again.
DAISY
You guys are so juvenile.
Ira tries to stop them from fighting, no one is listening to
Daisy. She becomes impatient and stomps her foot. Then they
turn back to her.
22.
DAISY
You should all be ashamed of
yourselves. Objectifying women like
that. How do you think that makes
me feel?
(BEAT)
CASEY
I don’t know, we never thought
about you in this.
DAISY
Yeah, well you should have.
Especially you. What kind of
teacher resets to schoolyard
tactics to resolve problems?
PAULIE
Yeah, man. You should know better.
I’m real sorry Daisy for Casey
here’s behavior.
DAISY
Don’t play that card. You’re no
victim in this either.
CASEY
Yeah, Paulie... Daisy, I’m sorry
you had to witness this display.
Think we can start over? Pretend
the last fifteen minutes never
happened?
DAISY
Depends. Do you have any coffee
filters?
PAULIE
You’d know better than us.
DAISY
Third cabinet to your left. top
shelf.
Casey and Paulie fight to get to the cabinet first. Casey is
easily taller and he reaches around Paulie to get them.
Daisy inspects the plinko board.
DAISY
Larry would flip if he saw this set
up...You guys just have these lying
around?
23.
Paulie takes the filters out of Casey’s hand before he hands
it to her.
PAULIE
Actually, I’ve been training Ira
for a while on these. We’re doing
the show tomorrow. Ira’s an
unstoppable force on game shows.
DAISY
Really?
PAULIE
Check us out. Tomorrow at 10.
Paulie hands Daisy his business card.
DAISY
Thanks. See ya later guys.
PAULIE
Tomorrow Morning at ten.
Daisy nods and exits.
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SUNRISE
Ira sits frozen at a barstool in the kitchen, eyes glued
open. He’s wearing a tye-dyed tshirt that says "Drew you
love me?"
Paulie saunters in, wearing the same tye dyed shirt and a
hoodie. His mission is to the fridge, and downs a jug of
orange juice.
PAULIE
How you doin, I? Getting ready for
today? Gonna be a big crowd. Need
to get your energy up. Producers
want to see that energy.
Paulie goes to check on Ira. He shakes him alive.
IRA
Hey, whoa. Didn’t need to do that.
PAULIE
Yes I did. Get up.
Paulie puts a towel around Ira’s neck and massages his
shoulders.
24.
PAULIE
Come on. Twenty. Now.
Ira does jumping jacks.
Casey walks in, more awake then the other two, wearing the
same shirt.
CASEY
Is the contender ready?
PAULIE
I don’t know yet. He looks spooked.
CASEY
I would be too if I was the one
trying to climb Everest again.
PAULIE
Alright, buddy. That’s enough.
Paulie dabs his forehead with the towel. Reaching under the
sink, Paulie produces a bottle of Jack Daniels.
PAULIE
Sure you don’t want one to take the
edge off?
IRA
Yes. I’m sure. Gotta be sharp.
CASEY
There is a thing as being too
sharp. You have to look like your
having fun.
PAULIE
In the immortal words of Kesha:
before we leave, brush our teeth
with a bottle of Jack.
Paulie takes a shot. He passes it to Casey. Casey takes a
shot. Casey passes it to Ira.
IRA
I’m not much of a drinker.
PAULIE
Come on, everyones more fun when
they’ve had a couple.
25.
IRA
You sure about this, Coach?
PAULIE
This is like your golden paper
thingy. It’s gonna get you a ride
on the chocolate river. Only this
river will be money.
Ira takes a shot.
PAULIE
Alright everybody, let’s get this
show on the road!
They exit, leaving the bottle on the counter.
INT. PRICE IS RIGHT STUDIO AUDIENCE- FIVE TILL SHOWTIME
Ira, Paulie, and Casey sit in a sea of brightly colored
college students and retirees.
IRA
This feels wonderful.
Ira takes a swig of a flask.
CUT TO:
EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME
Lawrence strolls through the complex, whistling, swinging
his keys around a loop. He spies in the windows for a beat
as he passes.
He gets to Daisy’s door. She opens the door while he’s
looking into her window. She’s wearing a sweater and
pajamas. The Price is Right theme is playing on the TV in
the background.
DAISY
Larry, what are you doing?
Lawrence is startled by her.
LAWRENCE
Hello, Ms. Martin. I was just doing
safety checks for our residents.
You know I had to fire Manny last
week, and it’s been Hell trying to
find a suitable replacement. So
I’ve taken the job up myself.
26.
DAISY
Manny never went peeking in the
resident’s windows.
LAWRENCE
I am thorough.
Lawrence peeks into the guys’ window. It’s dark. He searches
his keys for the right one.
DAISY
(under her breath)
Thoroughly wacko.
Daisy turns back to look at the TV in her apartment.
LAWRENCE
Did the new residents mention they
would be out?
DAISY
Why do you think I know?
LAWRENCE
It’s no secret here that you’ve
slept with everyone who’s entered
this place.
DAISY
That’s not true... not anymore.
LAWRENCE
Oh my, are they that ugly? That’s
never stopped you before.
DAISY
No. One of them’s actually kind
of... I’m starting this new Life
fufillment plan. No sex.
LAWRENCE
I relish your attempt.
Lawrence opens the door to Murray’s condo. Daisy sees the
games still set up with the place and her eyes go wide.
DAISY
(louder than she needs to be)
You don’t think I can do it, huh?
LAWRENCE
Ms. Martin, listen--
Lawrence walks away from the door.
27.
DAISY
No, you listen. I’m tired of you
guys thinking all I am is a piece
of ass.
She corners him near her door. The TV show is louder there
and we just hear the announcer.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ira Daniels! Come on down! You’re
the next contestant on The--
Daisy grabs her door handle and shuts it. She panicks.
LAWRENCE
I do not look to any of my
residents as a piece of ass, unless
you fancy me imagining the lower
half of Hamilton and Benjamin. Now
if you will excuse me, I must
inspect our neighbor’s apartment.
Lawrence walks back across the hall to Murray’s condo, Daisy
runs ahead of him. She slips in the door and pulls the plug
on the lighted portrait. The alarm goes off.
DAISY (O.S.)
Oh my, clumsy me. Wait here while I
fix the alarm.
She peeks out from the door as she closes it. Lawrence
stands there exasperated.
DAISY
Sorry, gotta lock the door again to
shut it off.
INT. PRICE IS RIGHT STUDIO AUDIENCE- SAME TIME
The audience is going wild, buzzers and bells galore. Ira,
Paulie, and Casey wave at the camera.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ira Daniels, Come on down!
Ira is giddy but motionless. Paulie shoves him up.
PAULIE
Get going man!
Ira stumbles more than he should on his way down the aisle.
Paulie and Casey look worriedly at one another.
28.
PAULIE
I think he maybe overdid it.
CASEY
Ya think?
PAULIE
At least this is going to make good
TV.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
How about a beautiful at home
Sauna!
PAULIE
He better not get that one.
IRA (O.S.)
(mild slur)
Fourty, fourty six, Drew.
EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME
The alarm system is still ringing, and Lawrence grows
impatient.
DAISY (O.S.)
Sorry, this is taking longer than
usual. You might want to come back
later.
LAWRENCE
No, I intend to find out what you
are hiding in there.
A TEENAGER runs down the hall with an out of place bellhop
uniform on.
TEENAGER
Mr. Oliver!
He grabs Lawrence’s shoulders and breaths hard.
TEENAGER
Mr. Oliver! He’s on the phone.
LAWRENCE
Are you sure?
The teenager nods furiously. Lawrence sighs.
29.
LAWRENCE
Oh, confound it all.
Lawrence guides the teenager away.
EXT. PARKING LOT- LATER
Paulie has his arm around Ira as they walk to the car, Casey
follows behind.
IRA
I don’t want to talk about this
anymore. I need a two day mourning
period.
Ira shoves off Paulie.
PAULIE
You made it on stage this time.
IRA
So much that did me.
CASEY
It was entertaining.
IRA
It was mortifying.
PAULIE
You’ll certainly make it on the
news tonight.
CASEY
You answered the question at every
little old ladies lips. He’s
definetly a briefs guy.
IRA
I pantsed Drew Carey. I pantsed the
host of America’s Game Show.
CASEY
You shouldn’t blame yourself.
PAULIE
He’s been losing a lot of weight.
CASEY
It was bound to happen to somebody.
30.
PAULIE
Drew was a great sport about it.
CASEY
It wasn’t a total loss.
IRA
But what the hell am I suppoused to
do with a snowmobile.
At their car, a car sized box with a glossy picture of a
bikini clad woman riding a snowmobile.
END OF ACT III
TAG
INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- DAY
Casey, Paulie, and Daisy relax on the couch drinking beers
and laughing.
PAULIE
Poor Ira, man. He tried his
darndest to fix them but they
wouldn’t stay up. He ripped the
pants free of the belt.
DAISY
I’m sorry I missed it. Larry
wouldn’t leave your apartment
alone.
CASEY
I don’t know how to thank you,
Daisy.
DAISY
I don’t know what you guys did to
get him all bothered, but you
better do a better job of cleaning
before you leave.
CASEY
Of course. You can’t save our asses
everytime.
31.
DAISY
This time it was worth it.
Daisy goes to the front window and looks out.
EXT. CONDO- SAME TIME
Ira is riding his snowmobile on the grass of the condo, with
a push lawnmower attached to it. He waves up to the condo
window.
THE END