mind over matt play

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Mind Over Matt

A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS

By Scott Haan

Encouraging Creativity Through The Performing Arts

HEUERP U B L I S H I N Gp . o . b o x 2 4 8 c e d a r r a p i d s , i o w a 5 2 4 0 6


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MIND OVER MATT was first presented on June 18, 2008 by the Red

Barn Summer Theatre in Frankfort, IN. The roles were originallyperformed by the following cast:

MATT ......................................................................... Zach Murray

FLOYD.......................................................... Jonathan Kenworthy

BUTCH ...................................................................... Derek Elstro

DYLAN.........................................................................Chris Daley

ROSE......................................................................... Tara DorseyZEKE ......................................................................... J. Lewis Fox

MRS. SNYDER.......................................................Cathlyn Melvin

PENNY ...................................................................... Rachael Lau

DEVIL ................................................................... David Berghoef

ANGEL............................................................... Cassandra Quinn

MRS. KILLIAN ........................................................... Linda Benge

Director .......................................................... Stephen Henderson

Assistant Director....................................................Cathlyn Melvin

Properties Master ........................................................Doug Davis

Lighting Operator .............................................................. Tim Fox

Producer ............................................................Martin Henderson

PUBLISHED BY

H E U E R P U B L I S H I N G L L C

P . O . B O X 2 4 8 C E D A R R A P I D S , I O W A 5 2 4 0 6

T O L L F R E E 1 - 8 0 0 - 9 5 0 - 7 5 2 9 F A X ( 3 1 9 ) 3 6 8 - 8 0 1 1h i t p l a y s . c o m


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MIND OVER MATTA COMEDY IN TWO ACTS

By S c o t t Haan

Copyright MMVIII by Scott Haan

All Rights Reserved

Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa

ISBN: 978-1-61588-104-8

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this work is subject to a royalty. Royalty

must be paid every time a play is performed whether or not it is presented for profit and whether

or not admission is charged. A play is performed any time it is acted before an audience. Allrights to this work of any kind including but not limited to professional and amateur stage

performing rights are controlled exclusively by Heuer Publishing LLC. Inquiries concerning

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All organizations receiving permission to produce this work agree to give the author(s) credit inany and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production. The author(s) billing must

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production of the work must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement

with Heuer Publishing LLC of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

There shall be no deletions, alterations, or changes of any kind made to the work, including the

changing of character gender, the cutting of dialogue, or the alteration of objectionable language

unless directly authorized by the publisher or otherwise allowed in the works Production

Notes. The title of the play shall not be altered.

The right of performance is not transferable and is strictly forbidden in cases where scripts are

borrowed or purchased second-hand from a third party. All rights, including but not limited to

professional and amateur stage performing, recitation, lecturing, public reading, television,

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COPYI NG OR REPRODUCI NG ALL OR ANY PART OF THI S BOOKI N ANY MANNER I S STRI CTLY FORBI DDEN BY LAW . One copy for

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TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 FAX (319) 368-8011


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BY SCOTT HAAN

MIND OVER MATT

By Scott Haan

SYNOPSIS: Ever argue with yourself? Ever said, I dont know what gotinto me? This is the story of Matthew Lane. Matt is a successful illustrator

with a couple of deadlines and several squabbling inner personalities who do

weird and wonderful things. As Matt tries to gather up enough nerve to ask

out the girl of his dreams, Matts egos, who all have their own hang-ups,

lead him in one too many directions. When Matts overworked boss comes

to believe that Matt has a crush on her, the conflicted egos manage to make a

bad situation much, much worse.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

(SIX MEN, FIVE WOMEN, EXTRAS)

MATT (m) ......................................Matthew Lane is a young commercial

artist who, like all of us, has differentsides to his personality. In Matts case,

those sides seem to have a life of their

own. (160 lines)

They are personified in the story by

comically stereotypical characters,

collectively known as the EGOS:

BUTCH (m) ....................................The bad boy ego. His interests include

women and beer, and not much else. He

is scruffy and crass, and says exactly

whats on his mind. (112 lines)

DYLAN (m)....................................The charming ego. He is handsome,

suave, and sophisticated, and quite the

ladies man. However, he is also

incredibly vain, and carries a mirror at

all times. (99 lines)

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MIND OVER MATT

FLOYD (m) ....................................The nerd ego. Comfortable with calculus

but terrified of women, he is a socially

awkward know-it-all hypochondriac

with a nasal condition. (106 lines)

ROSE (f) .........................................The female ego. She is Matts feminine

side, and is rational, caring, and

nurturing. The others respect her, even if

theyre not sure why shes there in the

first place. (106 lines)

ZEKE (m)........................................The grumpy ego. He is the bitter, angryold man that becomes harder to suppress

as we get older. He is also perpetually

sleepy, and has no patience for young

people. (43 lines)

The DEVIL (m or f) ........................Inclined to mischief and sneakiness.

[Gender flexible but preferably male.]

(14 lines)

The ANGEL (m or f) ......................The voice of goodness and charity.

[Gender flexible but preferably male.]

(10 lines)

PENNY (f) ......................................The young woman Matt has been

admiring from afar. And its easy to see

why: she is sweet, funny, strong andindependent. (90 lines)

MRS. KILLIAN (f).........................Matts boss, who has gained a reputation

for being a cruel and difficult task-

master. She is all-business, no-nonsense,

and more than a little frightening. (67

lines)

MRS. SNYDER (f) .........................Matts humorless landlady. (8 lines)

OPTIONAL: Five EGOS for PENNY (4W, 1M) who are counterparts to

MATTs EGOS. (See ENDING OPTION #1 at the end of this script.)

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BY SCOTT HAAN

SETTING

Our story takes place in the apartment of MATTHEW LANE, a graphic

artist for an advertising firm. He lives modestly, so the only noteworthy

furniture in his living room is a couch (CS), a rocking chair (USR), a desk ordrafting table (DSL), and a small TV (DSR). There are three doors. The SL

door (a swinging door) leads into the kitchen; the CS door (an open

doorway) leads to his bedroom and bathroom; and the SR door leads outside

to the hallway.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 Tuesday morning

SCENE 2 Friday night (3 days later)

SCENE 3 Saturday morning (the next day)

ACT TWO

SCENE 1 Saturday morning (seconds later)SCENE 2 Saturday morning (a few minutes later)

PROPS

o A toy gun or pistol for Floyd

o A calculator watch for Floyd

o A pocket pen for Floyd

o A hand mirror for Dylano A cane for Zeke

o Oversized advertisement artwork for Matt (two identical copies)

o A pencil for Matt

o Three cell phones (one for Matt, one for Mrs. Killian, and a flip-

front phone for Floyd to use as a Star Trek tri-corder)

o A slip of paper with a phone number written on it

o A coffee mug (with liquid inside)

o 2 glasses of Sprite (water will work)

o A comic book

o A big portfolio book for displaying artwork

o A big portfolio bag for carrying artwork

o A devils pitchfork

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MIND OVER MATT

o A towel

o Duct tape to bind Floyds hands, legs and mouth (you might

consider making pre-taped cuffs attached with Velcro that can be

quickly affixed to Floyd backstage, and easily removed by Roseonstage)

o A bottle of aspirin

o Two (or more) sippy cups in an unopened box or container,

carried inside a plastic bag

o A toy rifle for Butch

o A walkie-talkie for Butch

o A bouquet of flowers for Zeke

o A serving bowl filled with popcorno Two empty bowls

COSTUMES

MATT

(ACT ONE, SCENE 1) Shorts and a t-shirt with an instantly

recognizable logo or graphic (maybe a band or pop culture

character)

(Middle of ACT ONE, SCENE 1) A work outfit, like Dockers and a

dress shirt, which he dons onstage

(ACT ONE, SCENE 2) A nice outfit, suitable for a date

(ACT ONE, SCENE 3 to the end) A casual, around-the-house

weekend outfit

BUTCH

(ACT ONE, SCENE 1) A t-shirt with attitude (such as an irreverent

slogan) and torn jeans

(Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) Military fatigues or

army gear; the more camouflage and olive green, the better

DYLAN

(For the entire show) A handsome, GQ-worthy suit and tie

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FLOYD

(ACT ONE, SCENE 1) A white dress shirt, formal black jacket,

black dress shoes and socks, comical boxer shorts (no pants), taped

glasses, and possibly a calculator watch

(Middle of ACT ONE, SCENE 1 to the middle of ACT TWO,

SCENE 1) A stereotypically geeky outfit, with a button-up shirt,

pants worn too high, and a pocket protector; he dons this outfit

onstage

(Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) A Star Trek costume

ROSE

(For the entire show) A bright, perky casual outfit or dress

ZEKE

(ACT ONE, SCENE 1 to the middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1)

Casual old man clothes, maybe a past-its-prime sweater or

cardigan

(Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) An absurdly antique-

looking old man suit

PENNY

(ACT ONE, SCENE 2) A nice outfit, suitable for a date

(ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) A casual weekend outfit

MRS. KILLIAN

(ACT TWO, SCENE 1) Professional attire, such as a business suit

(Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1) Matts distinctive t-shirt from

the first scene, accompanied by either her business skirt or mens

boxer shorts

(ACT TWO, SCENE 2) Same outfit, but with a jacket and/or pants

worn over it for the sake of modesty

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MRS. SNYDER

(For the entire show) A morning gown and slippers, with rollers in

her hair

DEVIL

(For the entire show) A red devil outfit, with horns, a tail, a cape

and a pitchfork

ANGEL

(For the entire show) A white angel outfit, with wings and a yellow

halo

Optional (PENNYS EGOS, for ENDING OPTION #1)

MYRTLE

An ultra-conservative outfit, like a shy, pent-up librarian (she is

Floyds counterpart)

JESSICA

Casual and scruffy clothes, like a t-shirt and ripped jeans (she is

Butchs counterpart)

BUFFY

A glamorous outfit such as a sparkling dress, or something you

would wear to the prom (she is Dylans counterpart)

GERTRUDE

Old lady clothes, like a long plaid skirt and a button-up sweater,

with her hair in a matronly bun (she is Zekes counterpart)

ADAM

Bright, sunshiny clothes, cheery and comfortable (he is Roses

counterpart)

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BY SCOTT HAAN

DEDICATION

To Mom and Dad,

For unwavering love, support and encouragement

Every minute of every day.

Oh yeah, and for giving me life. That was nice, too.

Scott

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ACT ONE, SCENE 1

AT RISE:Tuesday morning. The modest apartment of MATTHEW LANE.

Young MATT is sound asleep at his desk, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. After a few moments, FLOYD pops up from behind the couch.We only see him from the torso up. He is wearing a black suit or tuxjacket in a futile attempt to look debonair, but his mannerisms andnasally voice, not to mention the tape on his glasses, instantly betrayhis utter nerdiness. He is crouching low, brandishing a toy gun, andscanning the room for prying eyes.

FLOYD: (Melodramatically, speaking into his watch.) Deep within theenemys fortress. Danger lurks around every corner . . . and deathis only one mistake away. The fate of the entire world rests in myhands. Some would call this mission foolish . . . impossible . . .even suicidal. (Dramatic pause.) I call it Tuesday.

Unbeknownst to FLOYD, BUTCH enters from the CS door (thebedroom) behind him and silently watches, shaking his head. He isscruffy, with wild hair, dressed in a t-shirt and torn jeans.

FLOYD: (Puffing out his chest.) For I am the worlds greatest super-spy. And I dont know the meaning of the word fear!

BUTCH: (Mock clapping.) Wow.FLOYD: (Jumping a mile while yelping in a high-pitched, girlish

voice.) Aaah!BUTCH: Do you know the meaning of the word loser?FLOYD: Dont DO that!

Hand on his heart, FLOYD walks around from behind the couch, andwe can now see his lower half. He is wearing boxer shorts, blackdress shoes and black socks, but no pants.

BUTCH: (With barely concealed pity.) Floyd, what are you doin?FLOYD: (Proudly.) Giving Matt a secret agent dream. Just because

hes asleep doesnt mean he should be bored.BUTCH: Enough with the nerd dreams. Last night, it was flying in a

spaceship with some old dude.FLOYD: That spaceship is the U.S.S. Enterprise, and that old

dude is sci-fi legend James T. Kirk . . . William Shatner!!!BUTCH: Man. With YOU in his head, its no wonder Matts single.

Tomorrow night, Ill handle the dream. Im thinkin somethin with acheerleading squad.

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DYLAN enters from the same CS door, looking suave in a nice suit.He is admiring himself in a portable mirror.

DYLAN: Morning, Butch. Hey, Floyd.

FLOYD: (With a hula dance move.) Aloha, Dylan.DYLAN: (Finally getting a good look at FLOYD.) Another James

Bond dream, I see. (Conspiratorially taking him aside.) So, Floyd.Got everything you need for this mission?

FLOYD: Of course!DYLAN: Synchronized communicator watch?FLOYD: Check!DYLAN: Secret decoder pen?

FLOYD: (Pulling one from his pocket.) Check!DYLAN: Pants?FLOYD: Ch - (Looking down, he finally realizes he is only half-

dressed and gasps, covering himself.) Oh, no! Another no pantsdream? Sorry about that.

BUTCH: Dont apologize. Makes it easier for me to give you yourmorning wedgie.

DYLAN: (Stopping BUTCHS movement.) Boys. We do need to getmoving here.

FLOYD: (Looking at his calculator watch, he instantly panics.) GreatGandalf the Wizard! Its almost ten?!?

DYLAN: Its all right, Floyd. Dont panic.FLOYD: But Matt was supposed to be in the office an hour ago!

ROSE enters from the same CS door, wearing a bright, preppy casualdress and displaying far too much early-morning cheer.

ROSE: Good morning, testoster-roomies! Its a beautiful day!FLOYD: Rose! Code red! Its ten oclock and Matts not awake yet!ROSE: Uh-oh. Dylan, what happened? Youre the internal alarm

clock!DYLAN: Its not MY fault. We were up drawing half the night.BUTCH: And Zekes still snoozin. Guy could sleep through a firing

squad.FLOYD: Ill get him. (He exits through the CS door.)BUTCH: (Calling after him.) While youre in there, grab some

PANTS, would-ja?DYLAN: (To ROSE.) So which when I was your age speech are we

gonna hear today?ROSE: (A gruff imitation.) My moneys on I held down eight jobs at

the same time.

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FLOYD returns, carrying a change of clothes and pushing ZEKE intothe room. Zeke is wearing old man clothes, and waving a cane.

ZEKE: (Gruff.) Hey! Dont push, ya little weiner! Wheres the fire?

DYLAN: Were running a little late here, Zeke.ZEKE: All right, all right.

All five characters congregate by the desk, right behind MATT.

ROSE: On the count of three, okay? One . . . two . . . three!ROSE / DYLAN / BUTCH / FLOYD / ZEKE: (In unison.) WAKE UP!ZEKE: Ya panty-waist!

MATTS eyes open, and he lifts his head from the desk.

MATT: (Groggy, to himself.) Im up. Im up.BUTCH: Bout time.

Blinking hard, MATT tries to get his bearings. However, he never somuch as glances at the others. Thats because FLOYD, BUTCH,DYLAN, ROSE and ZEKE are not real.

They are merely aspects of his personality, the components of hismind, hereafter known as the EGOS. Although their actionssometimes directly influence him, MATT will never acknowledge theirpresence in any way. They are invisible to everybody but each other.Also, MATT should never physically touch any EGOS, or any EGOprops (such as DYLANS mirror or ZEKES rocking chair) becausethey dont exist, either.

ZEKE: (Shaking his head with disdain.) Hmph. Sleepin until tenoclock. When I was that age, I held down eight jobs at the sametime! (ROSE proudly beams and does a victory gesture, herprediction having come true. Smiling, DYLAN bows to heradmiringly.) I got an hour a week to sleep, but instead, I spent itlooking for job number nine!

MATT: (Cracking his neck.) Oooowwww. (He rubs the back of hisneck and grimaces. When he does so, the EGOS rub their own

necks, as well.)FLOYD: We shouldnt be sleeping at our desk, you know. We need a

mattress that provides sufficient lumbar support. (IndicatingMATTS back.) We could develop a spinal disc herniation!

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ROSE: (Putting her arms around FLOYD and ZEKE.) Guys! Stopbeing so negative! Do you realize how lucky we are? We are atthe controls of a wonderful guy. I mean, just look at him!

They do. At that moment, both MATT and BUTCH simultaneouslyscratch their right armpits, then take a sniff and recoil. The EGOS allwatch MATT do this, then knowingly turn to glare at BUTCH, who stillhas his arm raised.

BUTCH: (Defensive when he realizes theyre all staring.) What?ROSE: Matts the best. He just needs a little push from time to time.

Speaking of which . . .

ROSE makes a grand gesture of looking at her bare arm as ifchecking the time. This causes MATT to actually look at his watch.His face registers alarm and he jumps to his feet.

MATT: WHAT? Oh, man! Not cool!

MATT kicks into high gear, a man with a mission. He disappearsthrough the CS door and returns with dress pants and a shirt, which

he lays out on the couch. Then he puts his wallet in the pants pocket,gets his shoes by the door, brings in a fresh cup of coffee from thekitchen, etc. As MATT charges around the room, the EGOS continuetheir conversation.

ROSE: Okay. We all need to concentrate now so we can make upsome lost time, all right?

FLOYD: Right. Teamwork.

DYLAN picks up the mirror and smiles, checking himself out again.FLOYD starts to change into the clothes he brought with him, astereotypically nerdy outfit.

ROSE: Right. That means Zeke, no snoozing. (ZEKE tries to shakeoff his sleepiness.) Dylan, no primping. (Ashamed, DYLAN putsthe mirror away.) Floyd, no -

Both FLOYD and MATT are putting on their pants. As if on cue,FLOYD suddenly trips and sprawls forward. Immediately, MATT falls,too, in the same direction.

ROSE: - doing that.FLOYD: Sorry.

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There is a knock on the SR door. MATT and the EGOS all look to thedoor.

MRS. SNYDER: (Offstage.) Mr. Lane!

BUTCH: (Groan!) Its Mrs. Snyder!MATT: Uh, Ill be right there. (MATT makes a desperate attempt to

make the apartment a little more presentable.)ROSE: Okay, Dylan, youre up.DYLAN: Again? Why do I always have to handle Mrs. Snyder?ROSE: You know the rules. Matt has to behave a certain way around

different people, so each of us has our role. When Matts hangingout with the guys, Butch takes over. When hes talking about

movies or comics, Floyd takes over. When he needs to berespectful and courteous, I take over. And when he needs to turnon the charm . . .

DYLAN: (Stepping to the front.) Okay, okay. I AM good with theladies. But why doesnt Zeke ever have to drive?

ROSE: Are you kidding? In what situation would we want HIM to bethe dominant personality? No offense, Zeke.

ZEKE: Aw, ya booger-eaters!MRS. SNYDER: (Another knock, getting impatient.) Today!

MATT: Sorry.

MATT opens the door and MRS. SNYDER enters. She is a humorlesswoman in her 40s or 50s, wearing a morning gown, with rollers in herhair.

MATT: Good morning, Mrs. Snyder. You look very nice today. LOVEwhat youve done with your h - (Realizing that her hair is in rollers.)-uh, complexion.

ROSE: (To DYLAN.) This, to you, is charming?DYLAN: Im warming up.MRS. SNYDER: Save it. Youre four days late with your rent again.MATT: Is that all? Well, I only get paid every other week, but Im due

for another check in a few days.MRS. SNYDER: Not my problem. You need to be more responsible.MATT: Ah, but see, Responsibility is my middle name!MRS. SNYDER: Oh yeah? Is that why youre here at 10 a.m. on a

weekday, instead of working?BUTCH: (Charging forward.) Hey! We were up ALL NIGHT working,

you big -DYLAN: (Stopping his movement.) Let it go.MATT: Touch. Tell you what. I get paid Friday. How about I get you

the rent then, and Ill throw in personalized drawings for your

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grandson? What does he like these days? Pokmon?Transformers?

MRS. SNYDER: He likes when grandma has food in the cupboard.MATT: Thats good, too. Say. Can I trust you with a secret? (No

reaction.) Want to know the REAL reason Im late with my rentsometimes? (No reaction.) Its just so that youll visit me more!

MRS. SNYDER: (Her expression unchanging.) Can it, Romeo. Justhave the rent under my door by five on Friday.

MATT: Will do. Thanks. (MRS. SNYDER opens the SR door to exit.)Oh, Mrs. Snyder? One more thing. Im single at the moment, and Iwas wondering . . . Do you have a sister?

MRS. SNYDER: (Deadpan.) Yeah, but Im not speaking to her. She

owes me rent.

MRS. SNYDER exits.

BUTCH: Wow. Tough crowd.DYLAN: She loves me.ROSE: We would have been better off with Zeke!DYLAN: Hey, it worked, didnt it? We got an extension.FLOYD: Come on, guys. We need to get back to the drawing board.

ROSE: Literally.

MATT hurries to the desk, looks down at the artwork there, picks up apencil, and starts doing touch-ups. FLOYD walks over and looks overMATTS shoulder.

ROSE: How does it look?FLOYD: Nice. Were pretty good at this.BUTCH: Whens it due?FLOYD: Today, Butch! Mrs. Killian wanted us to turn it in first thing

this morning!DYLAN: Yeah, and I dont want her mad at us again.BUTCH: Aw, you wussies. Youre afraid of a chick?DYLAN: (Firmly, and dead serious.) YES. Yes I am.ROSE: Shes frightening.DYLAN: Killian makes Snyder look like a giggling schoolgirl.

FLOYD, DYLAN and ROSE all murmur in agreement.

BUTCH: Oh, come on. You dont believe those stories, do you?FLOYD: I believe in quantifiable statistics. Fact: Every husband Mrs.

Killian has ever had has died under mysterious circumstances.

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Fact: Her last assistant disappeared without a warning, and wasnever seen again. Coincidence? I dont think so!

DYLAN: I heard shes killed five husbands so far.ROSE: I heard eleven.

ZEKE: Well I heard that youre all a bunch of lily-livered pansies.DYLAN: Maybe, but theres a reason people call Mrs. Killian Mrs.

Kill-Her-Men behind her back.ROSE: Ive heard that one.DYLAN: Other people call her The Black Widow!BUTCH: What does THAT mean?DYLAN: Its because of the spider. After they mate, the female black

widow always kills and eats the male.

ROSE: Ick.FLOYD: (Condescendingly, as if this is common knowledge.) False.Only the species Lactrodectus mactans, indigenous to thesoutheastern United States, routinely engages in sexualcannibalism.

BUTCH: Youre a living argument FOR sexual cannibalism.DYLAN: Lets just get this job done as fast as possible.ZEKE: Aw, ya little ankle-biters. You have no idea what discipline

is. When I was in the Corps . . .

DYLAN: (Rolling his eyes.) Here we go.ZEKE: . . . We had a commanding officer who was so mean, hed

shoot one of us in the leg every morning, just to wake us up! And ifyou complained, hed shove you out of an airplane with noparachute! And YOU guys are scared of a broad!

BUTCH: Zekes right. Hes nuts, but hes right. She aint so bad. Shejust needs someone to stand up to her. Boss or no boss, she givesus any crap, you put ME up front. Ill give her a piece of his mind!

The phone rings. MATT looks at the caller ID and gulps.

MATT: Uh-oh.FLOYD: Its HER.BUTCH: (Suddenly changing his tune.) Uh . . . On second thought,

the rest of you will never change until you learn to stand up foryourselves. Here, Dylan. Nows your chance.

BUTCH forces DYLAN to the front, and stands/hides behind him.DYLAN looks petrified, but instantly puts on his game face smile themoment MATT answers the phone.

MATT: (Into the phone, he tries to sound confident, but the more sheinterrupts, the more flustered he becomes.) Matthew Lane. Oh, hi,

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Mrs. Killian. How are (After a beat, he cringes and looks at hiswatch.) Yes. I know, Im sorry. Ive got the Nolans campaign righthere, and Im almost (Pause.) No. I know it doesnt grow ontrees. (Both MATT and DYLAN smile, seeing a chance to lighten

the mood with wit. They both make a simultaneous arm gesturethat indicates a wide field.) I wish it did! Id plant a whole (BothMATT and DYLAN grimace as their humor bombs.) No, maam.Youre right, tardiness is NOT a laughing matter.

ROSE: (Slapping DYLAN on the arm.) No humor! Shes immune!DYLAN: Sorry.

ZEKE falls asleep again and lets out a loud snore. As a result, MATT

audibly yawns into the phone, which elicits an angry reaction from theother end.

MATT: No! No, youre NOT boring me. Its just that I was up allnight working on -

ROSE, BUTCH and FLOYD realize that ZEKE is asleep and rushover to wake him up.

ZEKE: (Startled awake.) Dont touch my oatmeal!ROSE: Zeke! Stay focused!MATT: Well, just a few more hours. I could have it to you by noon? . .

Great. Ill see you then. Thank - (Clearly, his party hung up in mid-sentence.) - you.

MATT hangs up the phone, and to emphasize how spectacularlypoorly that phone call went, he slams his forehead twice on the desk.Each time, the EGOS all grunt in pain and rub their aching foreheads.

BUTCH: Ow! Thats the kinda stuff that leads to brain damage!ROSE: Well. That was pleasant. Whos in favor of buckling down and

working?

DYLAN, ROSE and FLOYD all raise their hands, rattled by the phonecall. MATT concentrates intently on his artwork, feverishly drawing allover it.

ZEKE: Bah. Ya hairy-backed Marys.DYLAN: That woman has issues.ZEKE: I like her. Shes got fire.

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ROSE: Just think, guys. Were only a few hours away from finishingthe Nolans campaign. The biggest client weve had since wejoined the firm.

FLOYD: Its been three months, but its almost done.

BUTCH: Time to par-tay!DYLAN: You know, I DO think a celebration is in order. What can we

do to mark the occasion?ZEKE: Take a nap.FLOYD: (Raising his hand vigorously.) Oh, oh, I know! Theres a

marathon of all six Star Wars movies on the Sci-Fi Channel thisSaturday. Huh? Huh?

ROSE: Nooooooo. Veto.

BUTCH: I got it. I know how we can celebrate. (Dramatic pause.) Wefinally grow a spine and ask out that CHICK from the cafeteria.ROSE: (Offended.) Oh, THATS charming. We love it when you call

us chicks. Her names Penny Ramsey.DYLAN: (About to protest automatically, but then has second

thoughts.) This must be a record. I agree with Butch AGAIN.BUTCH: All right! Dylans on board! Who else is with me?ROSE: (Grudgingly admitting.) Not a bad idea, Butch. She seems

nice.

ZEKE: Yeah! Maybe we can get us some smoochies, for a change!FLOYD: Did I mention its the theatrical version of the original trilogy?

Before George Lucas used CGI to butcher his own masterpiece?BUTCH: Oh, no. Youre not ruining this for me, Poindexter.FLOYD: But . . . we dont know anything about her!BUTCH: We know shes hot! What else is there?FLOYD: For one thing, we dont even know where she works in the

office plaza!DYLAN: Exactly! Thats why we need to ask her out, so we can

learn!FLOYD: But we dont see her in the lunch room every day. She

probably wont even show up today.BUTCH: No problem. I didnt Google her phone number for nothing.

MATT, whose facial expressions have been registering this internaldebate, pulls a slip of paper from his pocket and looks at it intently,making a decision.

FLOYD: But BUTCH: Forget it. Youre outnumbered. Im done spying on her

from DYLAN: (Quickly interrupting.) ADMIRING her.

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BUTCH: Yeah, right. ADMIRING her from behind the yogurtdispenser because YOURE afraid of girls. Were asking her out,and thats final.

ROSE: Floyd, I know youre scared, but its okay. Well all do this

together.

FLOYD looks around at the others, who have clearly made up theirminds, and starts to get nervous. Involuntarily, he makes thestrangest sound.

FLOYD: HONK!

FLOYDS HONK is a hideous, ridiculous noise; it sounds like hestrying to clear his sinuses and imitate a bus horn at the same time.Every time FLOYD makes this noise, MATT involuntarily crinkles hisnose, as if suppressing a sneeze.

ZEKE: What the Honus Wagner was THAT?BUTCH: (Sigh.) We explain this to you every time, you senile old

coot.FLOYD: (For the millionth time.) I have a perforated septum. HONK!

When I get agitated, I have trouble breathing, and it sounds -DYLAN: It sounds like the mating call of a deranged goose.FLOYD: HONK!ROSE: (With a comforting hand on FLOYDS shoulder.) Just calm

down, Floyd. Relax.ZEKE: How can you have a perforated septum, ya mamas boy?

Youre not even real!DYLAN: How can YOU have narcolepsy?BUTCH: Lets just do this before the wimp blows it for us.FLOYD: HONK!

BUTCH steps forward. MATT picks up the phone and dials thenumber on the paper, then takes a deep breath. He picks up thecoffee mug from the desk and begins to pace.

FLOYD: I cant watch.

FLOYD rushes to the other side of the room to get some distancefrom the phone, but in his haste, he trips and falls. When he does,MATT stumbles and spills the mug, splashing coffee onto his artwork.MATT and the EGOS all gasp.

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MATT: (Picking up his now-soggy artwork.) Oh no! CRAP!!! (Pauseas he hears a voice on the other end.) Uh, no, I wasnt talking toyou! I mean, hi, Matt, this is Penny! I mean . . .

DYLAN: Oh, THIS is going well.

Lights fade out. End of ACT ONE, SCENE 1.

ACT ONE, SCENE 2

AT RISE:Friday night. The apartment is empty and dark. MATT opens the SRdoor.

MATT: Here we are. (MATT turns on the lights and takes a few stepsinside. PENNY tentatively walks in behind him.) Hey, thanks a lotfor driving me (While stepping inside, MATT, who has had a fewbeers, accidentally hits the couch with his leg.) Ow! Man! Did yousee that? Couch jumped right out in front of me! (He limps forward,sits on the far end of the couch, and rubs his aching shin.)

PENNY: I know. And you CLEARLY had the right-of-way.

BUTCH, ROSE, DYLAN, ZEKE and FLOYD enter from the open SRdoor, dancing behind PENNY in a conga line. Theyre all a little tipsy.DYLANS suit is unkempt - his shirt untucked, his tie loosened.Singing and laughing, they stop US, behind the couch. Theyre nothalf-bad, except FLOYD, who always kicks in the opposite directionfrom everybody else.

DYLAN: Hey, look at us! Were a train of thought! (Pulls animaginary train whistle.) Woo-woo!

FLOYD: All aboard!ROSE: And were a one-track mind! Ha! (The EGOS all laugh,

amused with themselves.)MATT: Thanks again for driving me home.PENNY: Sure. Youre in no condition to get behind the wheel.MATT: Yeah. (Sincerely.) You know, thats really not like me. Im

usually not much of a drinker.

DYLAN, ROSE, FLOYD and ZEKE all cross their arms and glare atBUTCH.

BUTCH: (Indicating FLOYD.) Hey, I had to do SOMETHING todrown out that god awful NOSE thing HES been doing all night.Honk! Honk!

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FLOYD: I cant help it if I have inadequate sinus drainage!MATT: I hope you dont have a long drive home.PENNY: Oh, about 20 minutes. Um . . . Is it all right if I powder my

nose before I go?

BUTCH: Powder my nose?MATT: (Pointing to the CS door.) Sure. Straight through there, on

your right.BUTCH: What is this, 1957?ROSE: Oh, hush. Its lady-like.PENNY: Be right back.

PENNY exits through the CS door. MATT shuts the main SR door,

sits on the couch and rubs his temples. In the back, DYLAN looks athis mirror and blinks hard.

DYLAN: Whoa. I see two mirrors, but Im only holding one!

ZEKE lowers himself into the rocking chair.

FLOYD: You okay, Zeke? You were really getting jiggy with it backthere.

ZEKE: Aw, I was shaking my groove thing when your grandpappywas still in cloth diapers.

FLOYD: Thats what concerns me.ZEKE: Dont worry about me. I got the energy of a 20-year-old.FLOYD: A 20-year-old in Depends!

ZEKE waves him off and shuts his eyes to sleep. ROSE leans overthe couch and looks down at MATT.

ROSE: Look at our little Matt. Hes growing up. (Pause; then, over-enunciating as if shes just learning to speak.) Matt.Mmmmaaaatttttttt. Thats a weird name. I wonder why Bob andEllie named us that.

MATT realizes the place is a bit of a mess, stands and tidies up a bit.He didnt expect to bring PENNY here, so he throws stuff under thecouch to superficially clean.

BUTCH: Probly cause YOURE so melodra-MAT-ic all the time.ROSE: Or because youre so problem-MAT-ic.FLOYD: Dylan is charis-MAT-ic. (Snort.)DYLAN: (Plugging his own nose.) Floyd is sympto-MAT-ic.

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FLOYD: (Putting an arm around ZEKE, who is still sleeping.) Whatabout Zeke?

DYLAN: Well, hes always sleeping, so . . . Matt is for MATT-ress!ROSE: (Giggles, then stops abruptly.) Hey! Were witty when were

drunk!DYLAN: Guys, is it just me, or does Zeke hang out here a lot more

than he used to?FLOYD: No, its true. When Matt was a kid, wed only see Zeke once

or twice a week. Now hes here every day.ROSE: Might as well get used to him. Hes the C.O.D.BUTCH: The what?ROSE: Cranky Old Dude. Every guy has one inside, and the older he

gets, the more his C.O.D. shows up. In time, hell probably takeover completely.FLOYD: Is that why Matt gets sleepy earlier now than he did in

college?ROSE: Yep. Thanks to Zeke, hell only get more tired and bitter as

the years roll on.DYLAN: Oh, goody.

PENNY returns through the CS door.

PENNY: This is a nice place, Matt. Ha. Get it? Place mat?MATT: Ha. Yeah, I get it.PENNY: Well, thanks again for dinner. I had a nice time.BUTCH: (Rushing to block the SR door.) Shes leavin! We gotta stop

her!MATT: My pleasure. You know, you dont have to run. I mean, can I

offer you something to eat or drink, or . . .PENNY: (Looking at the door, then back at MATT.) Well . . .MATT: I promise, Ill be the perfect gentleman. Scouts Honor.FLOYD: We were never in the Boy Scouts!BUTCH: Shut up! SHE doesnt know that!PENNY: I guess I could stay for a minute. Do you have any soda?MATT: Ive got Sprite.PENNY: Great.MATT: Be right back.

MATT exits into the kitchen. PENNY sits down on the couch. BUTCHand DYLAN high-five each other from across the room. ROSE goesbehind the couch, looking down at PENNY.

ROSE: (Jokingly, like an overprotective mother.) So. What are yourintentions with our Matt?

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BUTCH: (Smirking and leering at PENNY.) Hmm. Better ask whatOUR intentions are with HER.

ROSE: (Slapping his arm.) Oh, youre such a pig.BUTCH: Man, why are you even here? Matts a guy. Shouldnt all

parts of his personality be guys?ROSE: Im his feminine side. Every male has one. Some more

dominant than others.BUTCH: (He gathers DYLAN and FLOYD, and the male EGOS

stand together behind ZEKES chair.) Whatever. We could runMatt ourselves, just us four guys. (Holding up four fingers.) As inFOR-mat.

ROSE: (Standing right up to him.) Right. Im the only one of you

knuckleheads with any people skills. As in diplo-MAT.BUTCH: Oh yeah? Then howzabout using them people skills to getus some chicks, for once?

ROSE: I am so full of self-loathing right now.

MATT returns from the kitchen with two Sprites, and hands one toPENNY.

MATT: Here you go.

PENNY: Thanks. Are you sure its not a problem, leaving your car atthe restaurant?

MATT: (Sitting down next to her.) Nah. The manager said its fine. Illtake the bus tomorrow to pick it up.

PENNY: Okay.ROSE: Lets learn more about our guest, shall we?DYLAN: Uh-oh. Here comes the Spanish Inquisition.MATT: So, you work at Hillside Flowers?PENNY: Yep. Two years now.MATT: You like it there?PENNY: (With a shrug.) It pays the bills.MATT: Wait. Thats, like, three miles away from the office park. You

drive all that way for lunch?PENNY: What can I say? They have the best corn dogs.MATT: Ah.PENNY: (Looking around.) You live alone here, I take it?MATT: Yep. You?

ZEKE begins snoring loudly.

PENNY: (Nodding.) Finally got my own place a few months ago.Living alone has pros and cons, but I miss having - (Against his

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will, MATT yawns, and PENNY stops and raises her eyebrows.)Im sorry, am I boring you here?

ROSE: (Looking over at ZEKE.) Oh, Zeke!MATT: (Sincerely apologetic.) No! No, Im sorry. Just been working

crazy hours this week.PENNY: (Smiling.) I understand.ROSE: (Helping ZEKE to his feet.) Come on. Lets get you tucked in.ZEKE: (Half-asleep.) Darn kids, stay off the lawn!

ROSE puts her arm around ZEKE, and they exit through the CS door.Pause.

FLOYD: (Stepping to the front.) Awkward silence! HONK! Saysomething! ANYthing!MATT: Uh . . . A few days ago, I had a dream about William Shatner.BUTCH: What?!? (BUTCH slaps his own forehead.)DYLAN: Not that!PENNY: (Simultaneously amused and disturbed.) Huh. Cant say

that I ever have.BUTCH: (To PENNY, but aimed at FLOYD.) Of course not, because

youre NORMAL.

PENNY: Big Star Trek fan, are you?MATT: Oh, yeah. Star Trek and James Bond, my two faves. (Beat.)

Wait. Who do YOU think is the best Bond?PENNY: I . . . really dont have an opinion.MATT: Really? Cause how you answer that question says a lot

about you. For my money, Sean Connery. No contest.PENNY: Yeah, I know. At dinner, you took a survey, of all the

complete strangers sitting around us. And if they answeredanything other than Connery, you said, Wrong!

FLOYD: Well, they ARE wrong.MATT: (Starting to remember.) Oh, yeah . . .PENNY: Yeah. And when that one guy said Timothy Dalton, you

said, Well you are clearly a moron, so if you need any helpcalculating the tip, just holler.

MATT: (Aghast, starting to remember this, too.) No.FLOYD: I can at least understand why the unenlightened might say

Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig, or maybe even Roger Moore,

but Dalton? They should put that question on the S.A.T., to weedout the hopelessly stupid.

MATT: Seriously. I am never drinking anything harder than a Sprite,ever again.

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BUTCH, horrified at this statement, charges forward as if to protest.But DYLAN gets there first, pushing FLOYD to the back and takingcharge.

DYLAN: (To FLOYD.) Thats enough out of you. Ill handle this.

ROSE returns from CS.

MATT: (Jokingly expressing his shame aloud.) Horribly mortified athimself, he desperately changes the subject. Um . . . Would youlike to look at my portfolio?

PENNY: Thats not like Want to come up and see my etchings, is

it?MATT: (With a smile.) No. No etchings. Just pen and ink. AndPhotoShop.

PENNY: Sure.

With drinks in hand, MATT leads PENNY to his desk, sits her down,and hands her his portfolio. As she begins leafing through it, MATTgrabs a second chair for himself.

DYLAN: Okay. This will buy us a moment to figure out what to saynext.

ROSE: Good. Okay. Everybody, think.

Pause as ROSE, DYLAN and FLOYD all concentrate. BUTCH justlooks on with pity.

BUTCH: Enough thinkin. Lets kiss her already!ROSE: What? Shes practically a stranger!FLOYD: Yeah! For all we know, she could be, like, a serial killer!DYLAN: Floyd. She doesnt look like a serial killer.FLOYD: Exactly! If you could TELL who the serial killers are just by

looking at them, everybody would avoid them, and nobody woulddie.

DYLAN: The scary thing is, that kind of made sense . . .BUTCH: (Sarcastic.) And, it would explain the machete in her purse.

Listen. Dont worry. I know how to handle this.

MATT: So . . . uh . . . Youre not a serial killer, are you?PENNY: (Taken aback by this odd non-sequitur.) Uh . . . Well,

convicted, or . . .MATT: Yes. Convicted.PENNY: Well, then, no. No, Im not.MATT: (Nodding.) Good to hear.

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BUTCH: (Wiping his hands in a gesture of finality.) Case dismissed.Im going in.

BUTCH lifts his arm as if wrapping it around an invisible persons

shoulder. Unseen by PENNY, who has resumed flipping through theportfolio, MATT lifts his arm in the same way to try putting it aroundher.

ROSE: Cut that out! (ROSE yanks her arm backwards, causingMATT to suddenly pull his arm away again.)

BUTCH: Stop interfering, Rose. This is our chance! (BUTCH nods,and MATT begins to lean in a bit closer.)

ROSE: Our chance to get slapped in the face, maybe! (ROSE wavesher hand, and MATT leans back out again. The frustration of thisinner conflict plays on MATTS face. PENNY doesnt notice any ofthis.)

BUTCH: Thats it. Time to break out the big guns. Yo, D!ROSE: (Sarcastic.) Wonderful.

In the CS doorway, the DEVIL (gender flexible, but preferably male)appears, pitchfork in hand.

DEVIL: You rang?BUTCH: Little help.DEVIL: (Walking, suddenly realizing hes a little wobbly.) Whoa! Are

we DRUNK?DYLAN: Just a bit.DEVIL: (Ecstatic, grinning from ear-to-ear.) Awesome! Were we

driving?FLOYD: No, she drove us home.DEVIL: (Disappointed.) Aw, too bad.ROSE: Guess its time for the cavalry. (Calling off sweetly.) Excuse

me!

In the CS doorway, the ANGEL appears (again, gender flexible butpreferably male). The ANGEL greets them with a wave.

ANGEL: Halo, everybody! Get it? Halo?

BUTCH: (Not his biggest fan.) That has never been funny.DEVIL: So whats the pitch?BUTCH: Check it out. Our boy has a real live girl in his apartment, for

the first time since you were peddling an apple cart in Eden.DEVIL: (Fondly reminiscing.) Ah, good times. Good times.

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BUTCH: But all Mary McMorals here wants to do is shake her handand send her home.

DEVIL: Got it. (To the ANGEL.) So how do we settle this?ANGEL: (Looking back and forth between PENNY and MATT.) You

know what? Im with Big Red on this one.ROSE: What?!?BUTCH: (Pleasantly surprised.) Youre not even gonna put up a

fight?ANGEL: Its lonely back there. Hanging around with THIS guy all

day, waiting to help make a judgment call? All we do is play boardgames all day, and he cheats.

DEVIL: (Matter-of-fact, with obvious pride.) Its true. Any chance I

get.ROSE: (To the ANGEL.) Some help YOU are.ANGEL: Sorry. But even I get tired of wearing white all the time. (To

MATT.) Go get em, tiger.ROSE: (To the ANGEL.) I dont know who you are anymore.DEVIL: (To the ANGEL.) Well Im impressed. (He holds out his

pitchfork.) Here. Youve earned it.ANGEL: Ooh, Ive always wanted to! (Excitedly, he takes the

pitchfork.) Wow. Heavier than it looks.

The DEVIL and ANGEL start to exit towards the CS door, exhangingthe following dialogue as they go:

ANGEL: So what are you in the mood for? Yahtzee, maybe?DEVIL: Nah. I was thinking Taboo . . . (And theyre gone.)PENNY: (Finishing the portfolio.) These are excellent. Youre very

talented.MATT: (Modestly.) Nah, but thank you. Want to see my newest

project? (MATT grabs both copies of the artwork and lays them onthe desk.)

PENNY: Very nice.MATT: Thanks. Its an ad campaign for the Nolans franchise.PENNY: Why are there two?MATT: Oh, some clumsy idiot, who shall remain nameless because

he is me, spilled coffee on the first one. My boss gave me a fewdays to redo it, but shes not very happy with me. Im pretty sure if

I dont turn it in by tomorrow, I am totally fired. And possiblymurdered.

PENNY: You have a strict boss?MATT: Attila the Hun would wet himself in fear.PENNY: (Laughing.) I didnt realize Attila was in advertising.

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MATT laughs, smitten. He and PENNY share a look, and a moment.

FLOYD: Ha! (Snort.) Funny. Shes funny!BUTCH: Shut up! This is it!

MATT starts to lean in for a kiss. BUTCH pushes FLOYD aside to getcloser to the action. But instead of moving, FLOYD falls, takingDYLAN down with him. MATTS arm bumps into his cup, spilling hisdrink on PENNY. They both gasp.

MATT: Oh, no. I cant BELIEVE I -PENNY: You didnt ruin your drawing again, did you?

MATT: (Furious with himself.) No . . . Luckily, it all went on you.PENNY: (With a sense of humor about it.) Brr! Kinda cold!MATT: (Stammering.) I am SO . . . SORRY. Can I . . . a towel, or . . .PENNY: No, its not that bad. Really. Im just gonna head home and

change.

A sly smile creeps across BUTCHS face. DYLAN is dusting himselfoff, his attention elsewhere, giving BUTCH the chance to drive.

MATT: (Innocently.) You sure? If you want to take those off here, Idont mind.

ROSE, DYLAN, FLOYD, and even MATT himself freeze, wide-eyed,realizing what they just said. PENNY looks at Matt with alarm.BUTCH continues to grin and nod, pleased with himself. ROSEclasps her hand over Butchs mouth to silence him.

ROSE: You creep!

DYLAN stands back up.

DYLAN: (Livid, to BUTCH.) What did you do, you beer-swilling ape?PENNY: No, Im just gonna go. Thanks, though.MATT: Wait. I didnt mean it like . . . wait. Stay there.

MATT rushes out through the CS door.

ROSE: (Attacking BUTCH.) You know how most people have a filterin their head to stop them from saying rude, idiotic garbage? Well,I am Matts filter, and YOU . . . are the reason he needs one!!!

DYLAN: Guess Im in charge of damage control, as usual.

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MATT returns from CS with a towel and hands it to PENNY.

MATT: Here.PENNY: (Using the towel to dry off.) Thanks.

MATT: (Sincerely.) Penny, Im sorry. This date didnt turn out verywell. Im not usually like this, and I . . . should . . . probably just letyou go before theres grounds for a lawsuit. Im gonna go hitmyself in the skull with a hammer.

PENNY: Dont be so hard on yourself. Relax. Maybe watch one ofyour Bond movies. I assume you have them on DVD?

MATT: (Busted.) The two-disc Special Editions.FLOYD: (Boastful.) WITH audio commentary and never-before-

seen - -BUTCH: Shut up.MATT: (Opening the door for her.) Again, Im sorry, I . . . (Sadly,

quitting while hes behind.) Good night.PENNY: (A little sad herself, she hands the towel back.) Night.

Thanks for dinner. (PENNY exits, and MATT watches her go.BUTCH rushes up to MATT, who then calls out into the hallwayafter her.)

MATT: Tell all your friends about me!

He shuts the door, leans against it, and squeezes his eyes shut tight,in an attempt to wish away the last few minutes.

MATT: (In disbelief over his own words.) If you want to take them offhere, I dont mind? STUPID!!! (MATT smacks himself hard on theright side of his head, which tilts toward SL. As a result, the EGOSall stumble/fall in the same direction (toward SL) as if theyve beenphysically shoved.)

BUTCH: Ow! What did WE do?ROSE: You mean BESIDES making him look like a drunken jerk in

front of the girl hes had a crush on for weeks?BUTCH: Yeah! BESIDES that! (MATT collapses on the couch.)DYLAN: Mental note. Two things we are never allowed to do again:

carry liquids, and talk to people.BUTCH: That second one might be a problem, what with us

practically joining the priesthood.

ROSE: Oh, good. Maybe we could dump beer on the Pope. (Eagerly,the DEVIL runs back in through the CS door with a huge smile onhis face.)

DEVIL: Ooh, yeah! Count me in! (Exuberantly, he jabs his pitchforkin the air. The EGOS roll their eyes and shake their heads.)

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Lights fade out. END OF ACT ONE, SCENE 2.ACT ONE, SCENE 3

AT RISE:

The next morning. Saturday. MATT is working at his desk. DYLAN,BUTCH and ROSE are all slumped together on the couch, eyesclosed and miserable. ZEKE is in his usual chair. FLOYD is pacing infront, lecturing them.

FLOYD: I hope you all learned a valuable lesson last night. That wasa bigger disaster than Jar Jar Binks in The Phantom Menace.Maybe from now on, youll listen to me!

BUTCH: (To the other EGOS.) You guys hear somethin? Like anannoying little squeak?DYLAN: All I hear is the painful throbbing of my own brain. Were

never gonna drink again, right? I mean it.ROSE: I feel awful. We really embarrassed that poor girl.ZEKE: Bah. You want embarrassed? Try having an enemy grenade

explode in the latrine ten feet away, covering you in a weeksworth of filth from the entire platoon. Happened to me back inaught nine.

DYLAN: Aught nine? What war would that be, exactly?BUTCH: (To ZEKE, indicating MATT.) Where do you even get these

ridiculous stories? Youre only as old as HE is.ZEKE: Yeah, but I have wisdom and experience beyond my years,

ya little rattle-chewer.DYLAN: Beyond your years, but not between your ears.ROSE: I think we should call and apologize.FLOYD: You mean talk to her again? After last night?BUTCH: Yeah! YEAH! We apologize, and maybe shell find that so

classy, shell be all over us!ZEKE: Heh-heh. Smoochies.ROSE: Butch, thats not what this is about.DYLAN: No, but you BOTH might be right. We do owe her an

apology, but if we handle it well, maybe we COULD see her again.FLOYD: I dont believe this! Did we learn NOTHING?DYLAN: Floyd, we have to do something about our sad excuse for a

social life.

FLOYD: But we dont NEED a social life. There is an entire seasonof Battlestar Galactica on DVD that we havent even seen yet.

BUTCH: I just realized. The REAL reason hes named Matt . . . isbecause youre a DOOR-mat.

DYLAN: AND because youre toxic to girls . . . as in HAZ-mat.

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ZEKE: Bah. Dont listen to them, Floyd. Youre right to be cautious.Im with YOU, buddy.

FLOYD: (Suspiciously.) You are?ZEKE: (Putting his arm around FLOYD.) Sure. Lets go talk strategy,

and Im sure we can convince THEM, too.FLOYD: (Excited.) Okay! I propose a two-stage plan of attack. (As

they are exiting.) First, we draw up a flow chart showing the directcorrelation between Matts dates and the rise of UFO sightings inthe area . . .

ZEKE leads FLOYD out through the CS door. Unseen by FLOYD,ZEKE signals BUTCH by inclining his head toward the phone, miming

a phone receiver, and lip-synching the words Call her as he exits.

BUTCH: (Bursting with excitement.) Way to go, old man! He just gotrid of our inhibitions!

ROSE: (Grudgingly admitting.) Smooth.BUTCH: (Jumping to the front.) Were callin her!DYLAN: Good. But we do it MY way. Rose and I will handle this.

YOU just keep your mouth shut.

BUTCH does a zipping-my-lips-and-throwing-away-the-key gestureand stands right next to MATT. MATT picks up the phone andpresses a single button, which BUTCH grandly and simultaneouslypantomimes. MATT takes a deep breath.

BUTCH: Its ringing.

DYLAN and ROSE step up behind MATT, and BUTCH crosses away.They all lean in and listen intently for a beat before their faces registerdisappointment.

MATT / DYLAN / ROSE: (All together, in perfect harmony but withdismay.) Aw, man! Voicemail.

MATT: (Into the phone.) Hey. Its Matt. Sorry I missed you. And, Imsorry if things were awkward yesterday. I was a little nervous, butits only because . . . um . . . (He stands and paces.) Listen. Wereboth adults, right? I dont want to play games. I like you. Okay? I

like you a lot. I think youre sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and Idreally like to get to know you better. I just thought you shouldknow. (Sigh.) There, I said it. So, I guess the balls in your court. Ifyou feel the same way, then call me back. If not, hey . . . bummer,you know, but I understand. Okay. Bye.

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MATT hangs up the phone, sits back down at his desk, and exhalesdeeply. BUTCH stands between DYLAN and ROSE, with an armaround each of them.

BUTCH: Nice goin. We might turn this thing around yet.ROSE: And if not, at least we apologized.

ZEKE returns from the bedroom.

BUTCH: Hey, theres Zeke! Wheres the geek?ZEKE: Oh, hes right behind me.

FLOYD hops back into the room. His legs, hands and mouth havebeen bound with duct tape.

ROSE: (Accusatory.) Zeke! (ROSE rushes to FLOYD, pulling thetape from his mouth as gingerly as possible.)

FLOYD: Ow! That hurts! I have atopic dermatitis, you know!ZEKE: Haw haw haw!ROSE: (To ZEKE, while removing the rest of FLOYDS tape.) Was

this really necessary?

ZEKE: Naw, but it was fun!FLOYD: I suppose you already called her.BUTCH: Yep. Done deal. Left a message on her machine.FLOYD: Im surprised you troglodytes could even use a phone

without me.BUTCH: Oooh, yeah, cause its SO hard to push Redial and talk!FLOYD: Well, with the limited mental capacity YOUR pathetic

cranium is - (He stops cold.) Hold on. RE-dial? You DOremember that we called Mrs. Killian last night to tell her about theNolans artwork, right?

MATT suddenly sits bolt upright, eyes wide.

MATT: Wait a minute . . .FLOYD: RIGHT?!?MATT: (With slowly dawning panic.) Oh no . . .BUTCH: I do NOW.

MATT frantically pushes buttons on his phone to check the lastnumber dialed. The answer chills him to the bone, and he jumps tohis feet.

MATT: NO.

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DYLAN: You mean, we just said all that . . . to our BOSS?BUTCH: (Nervous chuckling.) You guys really blew it this time.

ROSE stands motionless, dumbfounded. DYLAN and FLOYD

exchange a glance, then attack BUTCH from either side and drag himto the ground, out of sight behind the couch. DYLAN and FLOYDstand back up and begin kicking him. ROSE snaps out of her shock,grabs ZEKES cane, goes behind the couch, and helps with beatingup BUTCH. MATT staggers backwards a few steps and drops ontothe couch.

MATT: (Bellowing his anguish to the sky.) Nooooooooo!

Lights fade out. END OF ACT ONE, INTERMISSION.

ACT TWO, SCENE 1

AT RISE:Moments later. FLOYD and DYLAN are still kicking BUTCH behindthe couch, and ROSE is still bashing him with the cane. ZEKE is off tothe side, watching the action. MATT is sitting on the couch, head in

his hands. After a moment, ROSE comes to her senses and holds outthe cane in front of FLOYD and DYLAN to stop the beating.

ROSE: Stop! STOP! Whats wrong with us? What are we, savages?FLOYD: I know. (Pause as they all reflect on their guilt.) Felt good,

though! Every kick was like therapy!ROSE: (Remorseful.) Shouldnt somebody say something?ZEKE: (Snatching his cane back from ROSE.) Im hungry.ROSE: To Butch.FLOYD: Theres more where that came from!ROSE: I mean apologize.DYLAN: (Looking down at BUTCH.) Were sorry . . . that your

stupidity forced us to hurt you!

BUTCHS head appears behind the couch; weakly, he hauls himselfup. Hes a mess; his hair is mussed, and his face is dirty and bruised.

BUTCH: (To DYLAN, while rubbing his sore neck.) Gee, thanks. Imgettin all choked up. (To ROSE and FLOYD.) Ow. For a chick anda nerd, you guys are surprisingly violent. Floyd. Where did youlearn that stranglehold?

FLOYD: (Beaming.) I have never missed an episode of Walker,Texas Ranger.

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BUTCH: And that makes you proud?!?ROSE: (To BUTCH.) I owe you an apology. It was the heat of the

moment, and I shouldnt have overreacted like that. Sorry, Butch.BUTCH: (Massaging his temple.) Aw, dont beat yourself up over it.

Oh, wait! You already did!DYLAN: You okay?BUTCH: (Indicating FLOYD.) Got a killer headache, thanks to Rocky

Balboa over here. (FLOYD begins shadow-boxing.)MATT: (Massaging his temple the same way.) Oh, man. Please tell

me I have some aspirin around here somewhere. (He beginssearching the apartment for aspirin, and takes one as the EGOScontinue talking.)

ZEKE: (Mock crying like a baby.) Waah, my head hurts! Waah! Youdiaper-soilers dont know from pain. When I was your age, wedbash ourselves in the head with bricks, just for fun! And if that gotboring, wed roll around on broken glass! Kids today got nothreshhold for pain.

BUTCH: I wish we had some bricks now. Id LOVE to see youdemonstrate.

ZEKE: Wake me up when you got REAL problems. (And with that,ZEKE falls asleep again.)

FLOYD: (To ROSE.) So how bad is it?ROSE: What? You mean the declaration of LOVE we just left on our

bosss answering machine?FLOYD: What EXACTLY did we say?DYLAN: Relax. Youll hear it again when her attorney presents it as

evidence in court.ROSE: (Repeating the phone call verbatim, very quickly, in as few

breaths as possible.) We said: Hey. Its Matt. Sorry I missed you.And, Im sorry if things were awkward yesterday. I was a littlenervous, but its only because, um, listen. Were both adults, right?I dont want to play games. I like you. Okay? I like you a lot. I thinkyoure sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and Id really like to get toknow you better. I just thought you should know. There, I said it.So, I guess the balls in your court. If you feel the same way, thencall me back. If not, hey, bummer, you know, but I understand.Okay. Bye.

DYLAN: (In awe.) How did you do that?

ROSE: Im a woman. We always remember every idiotic thing mensay, to use against them in the future. Its part of our charm.

FLOYD: Thats it. We are sooooo fired.DYLAN: Oh, calm down. Shes not going to fire him.FLOYD: Shes not?DYLAN: Nah. Shell murder him long before that.

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ROSE: Not helping.FLOYD: Didnt her machine have a recording?DYLAN: What, like, This is the Black Widow. Im not in my parlor

right now, so leave your name and Ill devour you later! Tee-hee!

No, it was one of those stupid (with robotic voice and armgestures) Please-leave-a-message voices.

FLOYD: Well, is that different from Pennys machine?DYLAN: How should I know?!? Weve only called Penny twice and

she answered both times!FLOYD: (Gasp!) I just realized. Its coming true.ROSE: What is?FLOYD: The Severance Package of Doom.

DYLAN: (Bewildered, after a beat.) Did we get drunk again and Imissed it?FLOYD: (Impatiently, bitter that he has to explain any further.) Its

only a story from the best comic book on the market! AmericasSuper Squad? (On their blank expressions, he rolls his eyes andcontinues. Meanwhile, MATT grabs a comic book, presumably thesame one FLOYD is describing, and sits down on the couch to leafthrough it during Floyds recap.) Issue 25. In his secret identity,Brainstorm works as a telemarketer. Some of his co-workers start

disappearing, and he discovers that his boss is murderingemployees at random. Shes about to make Brainstorm her nextvictim, but his teammates - Speed Freak, Mental and Dim Bulb -rescue him in the nick of time!

Pause.

BUTCH: Its a miracle you even know what girls LOOK like.DYLAN: So what do we do?ROSE: We should tell the truth. I mean, its kind of funny, when you

think about it. So we dialed the wrong number. It was an honestmistake.

MATT rises, settling on this course of action.

BUTCH: (Mimicking a phone call.) Hello? Hey, Boss! Rememberhow I just told you youre funny and beautiful? Well, I lied. I was

thinking about somebody ELSE. Clearly, YOURE ugly and stupid.Well, see ya at work! Click.

MATT sits back down again, changing his mind.

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FLOYD: I think we should totally deny it. His voice isnt that distinct. Ifshe even mentions it, well pretend it wasnt us.

MATT rises again.

BUTCH: Shes probably got caller ID, genius.

MATT sits again.

ROSE: Fine. Then whats YOUR idea, smart guy?BUTCH: (With a throat-slashing gesture.) Easy. We whack her.

The other EGOS all groan in disgust.

BUTCH: Hey, SHES done it! Killin all those hubbies? Its poeticjustice. Wed be doin the world a favor.

MATT rises, seriously contemplating this course of action.

DYLAN: Whoa! Easy there, Tony Soprano!

There is a knock on the SR door. MATT walks to the door, looksthrough the peephole, inhales sharply, and flattens his back againstthe door, frozen.

MATT: Oh no.

The EGOS are all stricken with expressions of terror.

MATT: (Weakly, already fully aware of the answer.) Who . . . who isit?

MRS. KILLIAN: (Offstage.) Its Mrs. Killian.FLOYD: Its the Butcher Boss! HONK!

MATT begins to unlock and open the door. The EGOS scramble,panicking, unsure about what to do.

BUTCH: No, dont let her in! Nows our chance . . . Shoot er through

the door!DYLAN: Oh, sure! Where DID we leave our machine gun?

MATT opens the door and MRS. KILLIAN enters, a no-nonsensewoman in her 50s. She strides brusquely past him, not waiting for an

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invitation. She is carrying a portfolio bag large enough to hold Mattsartwork.

MRS. KILLIAN: Matthew.

MATT: Mrs. Killian! What, uh, what are you doing here?MRS. KILLIAN: I was on my way over to pick up the Nolans artwork.

You promised yesterday that it would be done this morning,remember?

MATT: (Allowing himself a moment of hope that she hasnt heard hismessage yet.) Oh, right. The Nolans -

MRS. KILLIAN: (Holding up her cell phone.) Then I got a voice mail.MATT: (Meekly.) Oh.

MRS. KILLIAN: Yes. Oh.MATT: Listen, I can explain MRS. KILLIAN: Sit down, Matthew.MATT: But I just want to MRS. KILLIAN: (Not playing around anymore.) SIT. DOWN.

Terrified, MATT sits down on the couch, submissive. Equally afraid,the EGOS attempt to hide around the apartment - one behind thecouch, one behind the curtain, one next to the desk, etc. - and keep

their distance from MRS. KILLIAN. You could hear a pin drop.

MRS. KILLIAN: (Sternly pacing in front.) Now. I can tolerate a lot ofnonsense. Just yesterday, Jenkins was eight seconds late, andReitman wore one navy sock and one black sock. And yet, theyboth still have jobs.

MATT: Thats very generous -MRS. KILLIAN: Are you seriously interrupting me? (MATT goes

dead silent.)FLOYD: HONK!

FLOYD instantly clasps both hands over his mouth to prevent anymore stray noises.

MRS. KILLIAN: But I absolutely draw the line at inappropriateromantic entanglements. Nothing destroys morale or productivityfaster than office romance, or even the rumor of one. Our H.R.

department treats this matter with grave importance. (Pause.) Andso do I.

ROSE: Uh-oh.MRS. KILLIAN: Your employment has to be terminated immediately,

Matthew. Every regulation in our manual is crystal clear about that.

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MATT hangs his head and nods.

FLOYD: (To DYLAN, a hollow victory.) TOLD you we were fired.MRS. KILLIAN: However, Im not going to fire you.

MATT: (Hopeful.) Youre not?MRS. KILLIAN: No. Instead, Im going to ask you to voluntarily

resign.MATT: (Depressed again.) Oh.MRS. KILLIAN: Its the only way to avoid corporate involvement,

prevent legal action, and keep us both from being subjected tonasty rumors. You have to quit. Im sorry, Matthew.

MATT: (Sigh.) No, its my fault.

MATT and the EGOS all slump their shoulders in defeat.

DYLAN: (To BUTCH.) And all because youre too lazy to dial onelousy phone number.

BUTCH: Watch it, pretty boy. Im not too lazy to rearrange your face.ROSE: (Softly.) Guys.

Something in her tone soothes them both, and their anger drains

away.

MRS. KILLIAN: (Softening a bit, she sits down next to MATT.)Youre a good employee, Matthew, and a very talented artist. Imsorry it has to be this way.

MATT: Me, too.MRS. KILLIAN: But its the only way we can be together.MATT: (Opens his mouth to speak, then stops, adapts a puzzled

expression, and looks at her.) Wait. What, now?

ZEKES eyes pop wide open and he sits bolt upright in his chair.

ZEKE: Whatd she say?MRS. KILLIAN: (Inching closer to a confused MATT on the couch.)

As long as you report to me, nothing could ever happen betweenus. And I cant fire you without explaining why to corporate. But ifyou quit . . .

Pause as MRS. KILLIAN walks her fingers up MATTS arm. DYLAN,ROSE and FLOYD jump to their feet, freaking out. As KILLIANSfingers walk onto MATTS left shoulder, DYLAN brushes at his ownleft shoulder like theres a tarantula crawling on him. ZEKE is

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stunned, his jaw on the floor. Only BUTCH, who isnt picking up onthe clues, remains calm.

BUTCH: Yeah . . . ? If we quit, then what?

DYLAN: Oh, catch up, will you?BUTCH: (For a moment, BUTCH still looks confused. FLOYD helps

by making kissy-faces and indicating MRS. KILLIAN. Finally, thelight bulb turns on, and BUTCH jumps up, revolted.) Whoa! Wait aminute!

During this dialogue, the EGOS grab each other for moral support,and they all end up huddling together in fear behind the chair where

ZEKE is sitting.

MATT: So you want me to quit so you and I . . .MRS. KILLIAN: Ill be honest. I was really shocked that you left that

message.MATT: No more than I was!MRS. KILLIAN: I mean, Ive never once picked up any sort of vibe

from you. Truthfully, I never really thought about it, because Im somuch - (She stops herself.) Uh, I mean, Im six or seven years

older than you.BUTCH: Psh! In dog years, maybe!MRS. KILLIAN: But why should the age difference matter to me

when it obviously doesnt bother YOU, right?

MATT opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

MRS. KILLIAN: Matthew?ROSE: Why isnt he - ?

ZEKE begins to laugh silently, fanning the air in front of himself.Suddenly, ROSE, DYLAN, BUTCH and FLOYD all get disgustedlooks on their faces.

DYLAN: Zeke! Nasty!

The EGOS step away from ZEKE, gasping and covering their mouths.

ZEKE: Haw haw haw!MRS. KILLIAN: Well? Say something!MATT: (Snapping out of it.) Hmm? Oh, sorry. Brain fart.ROSE: (Stepping forward.) This is getting out of hand. We might still

be able to straighten this mess out, but we have to act NOW.

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MATT: Listen, Mrs. Killian, I have to -MRS. KILLIAN: Janet.MATT: (Immensely uncomfortable addressing her that way.) Janet.

I have to tell you something.

MRS. KILLIAN: (Standing.) Hold that thought. Wheres yourrestroom? I need to powder my nose.

BUTCH: Powder my nose, AGAIN? What are the odds?DYLAN: Must be making a comeback.MATT: (Standing and pointing to the CS door.) Straight through

there, on the right.MRS. KILLIAN: (Flirty, she slaps his bottom.) Dont go anywhere!MATT: (Surprised by the pat, the word I is actually a startled yelp.)

IIIIyee . . . wouldnt dream of it!

MRS. KILLIAN leaves through the CS door. MATT and the EGOS,with the exception of ZEKE, all spring toward the SR door at once.MATT reaches for the knob, then hesitates.

ROSE: Wait. We cant just leave her in our apartment!FLOYD: YES WE CAN!!!DYLAN: I cant believe this is happening!

BUTCH: We should SUE her!ROSE: For WHAT?BUTCH: Sexual harassment!DYLAN: Yeah, but WE called HER!FLOYD: (Standing right next to the SR door.) I say we cut our losses

and leave right now! Wherever we end up, we can buy all newstuff!

Just then, there is another knock on the door, causing FLOYD tojump about a mile. MATT looks through the peephole. His faceregisters a mixture of surprise, joy, terror, and uncertainty about whatto do next.

FLOYD: Its Penny!BUTCH: She came back? This is awesome!ROSE: Not right now, its not!FLOYD: What do we do?

DYLAN: Lets just tell her its a bad time and ask her to come backlater.

BUTCH: Forget that! Let er in, ya putz!DYLAN: (Jumping on BUTCHS back.) Are you out of our mind?!?

Tentatively, MATT opens the door, and PENNY is standing outside.

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PENNY: Hi.MATT: Hi! This is a surprise. What are you doing here?PENNY: I brought you something. Can I come in?ROSE / FLOYD / DYLAN: (In unison.) No, no, no, no, NO!

BUTCH: (Nodding and grinning like an idiot.) Oh, yeah!MATT: Um, sure . . .BUTCH: (Jumping up and down.) She wants to have our baby!ROSE: (With a sense of urgency.) In case youve forgotten, shes not

the only one.

PENNY enters, hiding something behind her back.

MATT: What is it, a restraining order?PENNY: Nah; those take a few weeks to process. I checked. (Sheholds out her hands, revealing a plastic bag.) Here. After lastnight, I thought you could really use these.

MATT: (Taking the bag from her.) This is so sweet, you didnt haveto get me . . . (Pause as he reaches into the bag and removes thecontents.) Sippy cups.

PENNY: The package says theyre spillproof.MATT: (Reading the carton.) Perfect for even the messiest infant.

Im touched.PENNY: I tried to find one with Star Trek or James Bond, but I guess

babies arent into that stuff yet.MATT: No, these are great. Thanks.PENNY: (Significantly.) Youre welcome, Matt.MATT: (After a beat, he finally gets it.) Oh. Welcome mat. Thats

funny! Ha! Um, Penny, this is sure unexpected. Didnt think Id seeyou again so soon. Or, well, ever.

PENNY: Well, I was in the neighborhood, and thought Id volunteerto drive you back to the restaurant. Save you some bus fare?

ROSE: Sweet gesture, lousy timing. Weve got to get rid of her.BUTCH: Get rid of her?!?MATT: (Leading her back to the SR door.) Thats really nice of you,

but its not necessary . . .PENNY: (Breaking away, she sits down on the couch.) I want to.

Besides . . . gives me a chance to do a little mocking.BUTCH: (To ROSE.) No way. Its a miracle she came back. Im

fighting you on this one.

BUTCH squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath like a petulantchild, exerting his will over the other EGOS through sheerconcentration to get his way.

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MATT: (Stuck, he cant seem to bring himself to kick her out.) Wonttake no for an answer, will you?

PENNY: Nope. Ready to go?MATT: (With a glance at the CS door.) Believe me, I would LOVE to

leave right now, but . . . um . . . Im thirsty. Could you maybe getus some drinks first? (He leads her to the SL door.) The glassesare . . . above the microwave, and Sprites are in the fridge.

FLOYD: Wait, the glasses arent DYLAN: Shush! Were stalling her!FLOYD: (Finally catching on.) Oh!PENNY: (A little unorthodox, but what the heck.) Oh . . . kay, sure. Ill

be right back.

MATT: Oh, no rush!

PENNY exits into the kitchen. MATT begins pacing, running back andforth between the CS and SL doors.

MATT: What is WRONG with me?!?FLOYD: Way to go, Butch! We cant deal with her NOW, with Mrs.

Killian hanging around!BUTCH: Forget her. Just concentrate on the young, hot one.

ZEKE: Which one? Theyre BOTH young and hot!FLOYD: Butch, weve got to think about our career! We cant afford

to lose this job!BUTCH: Do you even HAVE any hormones? We cant afford to lose

this CHICK!FLOYD: Do I have to kick your butt again?BUTCH: Ha! You and what army, Poindexter? Im ready for you this

time!

BUTCH adapts a fighting stance. FLOYD launches into the KarateKid crane pose, balancing on one leg. MRS. KILLIAN returns throughthe CS door.

MRS. KILLIAN: Well, Matthew. Your apartment is certainly . . . cozy.MATT: (With a shrug.) Be it ever so humble . . .

MRS. KILLIAN wanders around the apartment. At one point she even

does an index finger dust check, then shakes her headdisapprovingly.

FLOYD: (Still in his crane pose, he gestures with one hand forBUTCH to come forward.) All right. Bring it.

BUTCH: Oh, its on, now!

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BUTCH charges toward FLOYD, who shrieks and retreats, runningaround the couch. During the following dialogue, BUTCH chasesFLOYD in a circle around the stage.

ROSE: Sheesh. Instead of sippy cups, she should have broughtpacifiers.

DYLAN: So how do we get rid of Mrs. Killian? I cant concentratewith these idiots running around.

MRS. KILLIAN: (Sidling right up to MATT.) Where were we? Youwere about to tell me something important?

MATT: (Stalling while he thinks of a solution.) Yes, I was, but . . . Illbe honest, my mind is RACING right now, you know? Its, like,

running in circles.MRS. KILLIAN: Mine, too.

FLOYD runs out through the CS door, and BUTCH follows.

DYLAN: Finally! (Sudden inspiration.) Ooh, I got it!MATT: How about we talk over dinner later? Maybe hit that new

seafood place over on Kent?MRS. KILLIAN: Are you an idiot? We cant meet in a public place. If

anybody sees us together BEFORE you quit, how would that look?MATT: (A little stung by her harsh tone.) Um . . . bad?MRS. KILLIAN: And we cant go to my place, either. My kids could

drop by unexpectedly.DYLAN: (Yelling at MRS. KILLIAN, even though she cant hear him.)

Oh, you mean the kids who are probably HIS AGE?MRS. KILLIAN: (Running her fingers through MATTS hair.) Whats

wrong with staying here? We could (In mid-sentence, she seesthe sippy cup carton on the table, stares at it for a moment, thenpicks it up.) Whats this? You dont have a kid, do you?

MATT: No! No kids. Theyre, uh, a gift for my nephew, uh, Sean.MRS. KILLIAN: Huh. With how clumsy YOU are, you could probably

use these yourself.MATT: Ha. Good one.MRS. KILLIAN: Ive got three kids. And ever since the last one

moved out, Ive been so . . . lonely.MATT: Awww. Now a woman as beautiful as you should never be

lonely.

MRS. KILLIAN blushes and looks away. ROSE, DYLAN and evenMATT himself all look surprised, and a little revolted, at the words hejust spoke.

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ROSE: (To DYLAN.) What are you doing?DYLAN: Its not me!ROSE: Well then, who -

DYLAN and ROSE stop and look at ZEKE, who is grinning broadly.

ZEKE: Hey, Dylans not the only one whos good with the ladies.ROSE: (Sternly escorting ZEKE to the CS door.) Out, Zeke. Youre

making it worse.ZEKE: You kids better not let this young vixen get away!

ZEKE exits through the CS door.

DYLAN: (To ROSE.) Dont worry. We can handle this. There hasntbeen a woman yet who could resist the old Dylan charm. (His toneturns flirtatious, and he takes her hands.) But YOU already knowthat, dont you, sweetheart?

ROSE: (Looking at him wearily.) You do realize youre hitting onYOURSELF now, right?

DYLAN: (Dropping her hands like hot potatoes.) Oh, yeah . . . Ew.MRS. KILLIAN: I know what everybody says about me, you know.

Killer Killian. Dragon Lady.DYLAN: Yep. Heard em both.MATT: (With mock outrage.) What? Who says that?MRS. KILLIAN: As a woman in the professional world, you have to

be all-business to be taken seriously. But Im really not a meanperson. I can be . . . soft.

She starts to lean in for a kiss. MATT jumps to his feet.

MATT: Oh! Hey! I just realized . . . um . . . where did you park?MRS. KILLIAN: Where did I PARK? The lot right next to your

building. Why?MATT: The lot next to . . . Oh, no. My landlady is a real jerk about

parking. Shell tow any car thats not registered in the office. Youdbetter move it, quick.

MATT ushers MRS. KILLIAN to the SR door.

MRS. KILLIAN: Are you kidding me?MATT: (Checking his watch.) (Gasp!) Its 11:35! She does her

parking lot inspection at 11:37! Youd better hurry! Go go go!

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MATT rushes MRS. KILLIAN out the door and closes it. As soon asshes gone, PENNY returns from SL, carrying two glasses of Sprite.

PENNY: Im back!

MATT: Yay!PENNY: Sorry it took so long. The glasses werent where you said

they were.MATT: No? Oh, thats right, I moved em last week. Sorry about that!PENNY: Hey, I have an idea.

PENNY proceeds to open the package of sippy cups and pour theSprites into them. Meanwhile, BUTCH enters from SL, now wearing

military fatigues and carrying a toy gun and a walkie-talkie.

BUTCH: All right, wheres the shrimp?

Rolling his eyes, DYLAN points to the CS door, and BUTCH exitsthrough it. Just then, FLOYD enters from the SL door. He is now cladin a Star Trek-style outfit, complete with pointy Vulcan ears and ill-fitting pants worn ridiculously high. He is carrying a flip-front cellphone.

FLOYD: (Into the cell phone, lost in the role.) Captains Log. Ivetracked the hostile invader to this strange, desolate planet.

ROSE: Unbelievable.FLOYD: Ooh, a native! Excuse me, miss, Im looking for an alien

slime creature? Answers to Butch?ROSE: Floyd, now is not the time.FLOYD: (Into the cell phone.) Locals are proving uncooperative.

Must continue the search alone. (He flips the phone closed,making a little electronic noise to match the action.)

ROSE: Cut it out!

ROSE charges toward FLOYD, who exits through the CS door.PENNY finishes pouring the drinks and tightening the lids, then handsone to MATT.

PENNY: Cheers! (They clink cups, then each take a sip.)

MATT: Mmm. Good.PENNY: Im not getting much out of mine.MATT: (As if having an epiphany.) Popcorn!PENNY: What?MATT: Im in the mood for popcorn.PENNY: Oh.

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MATT: Would you mind?PENNY: (Confused.) Wait. You want ME to make MATT: (Gratefully, as if she volunteered.) That would be GREAT.

(He pushes her towards the kitchen.) Its in the cupboard above

the sink.PENNY: (Her tone conveys that this is getting old, fast.) All right.

Exasperated, PENNY exits SL. Immediately, MRS. KILLIAN returnsthrough the SR door.

MRS. KILLIAN: I moved my car, but I didnt see your landlord outthere inspecting the parking lot.

MATT: No?

MATT smacks his forehead. DYLAN and ROSE grimace and touchtheir foreheads as if smacked themselves.

MATT: Duh! Its Saturday! Thats when she plays in her, uh, paintballleague. My bad.

MRS. KILLIAN: Say, youre cute when youre flustered. Come here.(She starts toward him. Instinctively, he takes a step back.) Ooh,

playing hard-to-get, huh? I like that!

MRS. KILLIANS stride quickens and soon, she is chasing MATTaround the couch. As she does, ZEKE returns from CS, snazzilydressed in an antique-looking suit, carrying flowers. He scans theroom for MRS. KILLIAN, licks his palm, then runs his hand throughhis hair to slick it back. ROSE does a double-take at him, then shakesher head. ZEKE joins in the chase, in hot pursuit of MRS. KILLIAN,but moving far too slowly to catch them.

ZEKE: Wait! Wait for me!MRS. KILLIAN: (To MATT.) Will you stand still?MATT: (Wide-eyed and scared.) Nuh-uh! (Resuming the fake-flirty

act.) I mean, uh, the thrill is in the chase, you know!MRS. KILLIAN: (Stopping to wipe her forehead.) Well, the chase is

making me sweaty . . . and hot. Ill be right back.MATT: No, take your time! PLEASE!

MRS. KILLIAN exits CS. ZEKE follows her out like a puppy dog.PENNY immediately enters SL.

PENNY: Ive got the popcorn going. THATs not where you said itwas either, by the way.

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MATT: Really? Weird.PENNY: Have you ever BEEN in your kitchen?MATT: Oh, yeah, all the time. Its where I keep the Cheetos.PENNY: At least youre not one of those annoying health food nuts. I

know I should eat better and exercise more, but I have nomotivation. Although I do like to do a little yoga, Matt.

MATT: Well, thats - (Understanding her pun, he groans.) Yogamat. Yeah. Good one. So, um, is the popcorn done yet?

PENNY: Nah, itll be a few minutes, so I thought Id wait out here withyou.

MATT: Oh, you dont wanna do that. Im boring.PENNY: (Sarcastic.) Ha-ha. So have you done any more on your

artwork?MATT: Um . . . Yeah, a little.

PENNY walks to the desk, followed by MATT. BUTCH and FLOYDburst through the CS door, grappling. BUTCH has the upper hand.

BUTCH: Say it!FLOYD: Never!BUTCH: Say Butch is cool and Im a pathetic loser!

DYLAN: Guys, enough. We have to get rid of Mrs. Killian.ROSE: So whats the plan?BUTCH: The plan is, Im gonna beat this little twerp so bad, his

mama will feel it.FLOYD: Shes your mama, too!ROSE: (Overpowering both of them, she tears them apart.) Guys! I

will pulverize BOTH of you if you dont FOCUS!PENNY: (Admiring the artwork.) Matt, this is really good. Your boss

is going to LOVE you for this.MATT: (With a nervous glance at the CS door.) Oh, I hope not.PENNY: Whats wrong? You seem a little distracted.MATT: Sorry. Its just that I . . . dont think you should leave the

popcorn unattended. I mean, that could be a fire hazard!PENNY: (Jokingly.) Well, youv

mind over matt play

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