Mirror, Mirror.

Today I looked in the mirror.

No longer am I living in that beautiful 5 stone figure. An extra 2 and a half stone has taken me over in as little as 4 years and it is shameful. Although everbody says this is healthy. This disgusting body is normality and now I have to live with it.

My reflection stares back at me blankly. All I can see is imperfections. They have taken over my body.

It’s been 4 years since I overcame an eating disorder. But the demons still dwell inside me.

Why did I let myself get like this?

It all started when I was around 16/17. My par-ents split up, I was try-ing to take my A levels, friend seemed fickle and sparse and emotionally I was weak. I felt like I couldn’t control the way my life was headed. I felt like I had hit a brick wall and there was nothing I could do about it. I was stuck as this person I hated and needed to do anything. I succumbed to Ana. The only thing that made me feel as if I had some control over my own life, even though it was the disorder that controlled me. At least it cared enough to make me feel as if I was achieving. I was counting calories, keeping records and con-trolling my food intake. I was finally had power of a part of my life no matter how miniscule that part

may be. I watched the weight drop off me. My clothes started to slowly hang off me and I got such a thrill from trying on clothes while shopping and a size 8 was too big. It was brilliant! I couldn’t believe it. Although I struggled finding clothes to fit and usually had to buy an 8 and take it in myself. But it didn’t matter. Because I wasn’t eating or being a slob I had more time to spend on how I looked. Finally I was going to be beautiful and everybody knows beautiful people succeed. I was so excited. My parents and friends didn’t seem to understand this though. They told me I was looking awful, but I suppose I was. Because I still wasn’t skinny enough.

WEDS MARCH 1, 2006...skipped breakfast to-day. That meant i could fit in 50 more sit ups to my usual 100 every morning anyway.lunch time at school. some peo-ple just mindlessly stuff-ing their faces with calo-ries. don’t they understand they are so disgusting? i had a yoghurt. 65 calories. that’s a bit much for lunch! made my-self dinner,, pasta salad. 160 calories, but i only ate half. still that makes 225 for the day. need to get an early night be-fore i start feeling weak. sleep is the only distraction from the hunger.

MON MARCH 1, 2010...Breakfast - 2 slices of toastlunch - cheese sandwhich, crisps, bottle of coke.dinner - dominoes pizza, cheese and tomato.Total of 1047 calories.

Oh God....

Eating away at me, there is a Pain, Feeding on my agony. A breeding parasite prevails. It gnaws away my insides, taunts me with its strength, acid burning up, a flare up of self hate, a constant reminder of

the core weakness in me. Decisions to be made are cho-sen by the Pain. No control do

I have over its actions. Its grasp is too strong for me

to throw off. I cannot move.Only to trem-ble and shake, the

Pain is back.I am eaten

away

YESTER-DAY I ATE 2 SLICES OF CAKE. TODAY I MUST NOT EAT ANY-THING.

THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT. I’M A FOOL. I HAVE TO RE-ALISE HOW DISGUST-ING I AM OR I WILL NEVER BE WORTH ANYTHING.

03/12/2005I thought it would be a good idea to build on my current diet plan and chal-lenge myself today. I so far have been really successful at cutting down my calo-ries and in 2 weeks I have lost 5lb. The recommend-ed amount for women is something like 1000 calo-ries a day so I wanted to at least halve this to begin with. I did better than I thought though, in the first few days I managed to cut down to around 250 calories on average. It can only get better. I have been trying to think of other methods to help me lose weight. I researched it and some girls make themselves sick to trick their bodies into thinking they have eaten so they won’t go through the pain of hunger. I tried it and I don’t think I will be doing it again. I find that sleeping

helps get rid of the hunger pains. If I feel hungry, I sleep and then I wake up feeling refreshed, well-rest-ed and ready. So perhaps making myself sick isn’t for me. I’ve looked at fast-ing though. It allows me to eat a little more, obviously only within my restricted calorie allowance and then I will fast for a day. I will only consume water dur-ing my fasting days to keep me hydrated so I can still complete my daily exercise routine. Which I am also really happy with at the moment. I now do a series of squats, lunges and sit ups every morning before school, then when I come home from school and then also before I go to bed. On weekends I will just exercise as soon as I am bored. It’s the only way I can notice a difference and I really can see it. I’ve never been so happy.

These are some facts I found about Anorexia Nervosa victims. I first read them and though they were pathetic excuses for those who don’t understand the complexity of this lifestyle. I then realised I was only making excuses for myself. I suppose it really shows I haven’t recovered...

Food and eating dominate the life of a person with ano-

rexia nervosa. Weight loss is achieved by excessive diet-

ing and other extreme ways of controlling weight. These

behaviors are fueled by an intense desire to be thinner and

a fear of becoming fat.

Eating disorders can re-quire long-term medical care and disrupt function-ing in school, work, and relationships. While severe cases can lead to permanent disability and even death, recent advances in the understanding of anorexia nervosa provide hope for more success in treatment. Currently, about 75% of people with anorexia ner-vosa experience improve-ment with treatment.

People with an eating disorder think about food, weight, and body image constantly. They usually have chronic medical and psycho-logical problems relat-ed to these issues and how they eat.

23/02/2006I’ve been feeling so tired recently. The hunger pains are beginning to get to me. I think I have spent the past few hours crying. But I can’t settle them. I already went over my 200 calorie a day limit yesterday by eating yoghurt because I couldn’t bear it anymore, so today I had to fast. And it hurts so much. I’m so weak. I couldn’t do half of my morning exercise routine and when I went to try again after school I couldn’t even get to 50 squats without feeling faint. I’ve been keeping myself hydrated and I just don’t understand what is wrong. I’ve been doing so well. I was speaking to another girl who has pretty much the same ideals as me. She said she only tried fasting once a week now, whereas I do it every couple of days. She has also said she has upped her calorie intake to allow for more highly ener-

gising foods but also upped her exercise regime to com-pensate. I think she has about 300-400 calories a day and on top of a similar regime to mine, goes for a 2 mile run every other day. I am almost at my target weight anyway so once I get there it will be fine and it will all be about main-taining and balancing the diet to keep myself there. I am currently 5 stone 6lb. My target weight is 5 stone exactly. It’s incredible to think that I have lost nearly 3 stone in about 2 months. I am so proud of myself. That final 6lb should be a doddle. I am going to try what this girl does and up my calorie count and change my exercise pat-tern to see if I can cope a little more and hopefully the next 6lb will be gone. I give myself 14 days maxi-mum, but if I can do it in one week then I will be so happy. I can’t believe how well I am doing!

some-times i wish

i could live my

life effortlessly,but mostly i’m caught up in

compulsive emo-tion

sometimes i give in and let myself heal

but reaching the sky is my intimate aspira-

tion.

when my body cries out to me, i close my ears

but when my mind scolds me, i can’t disobey

captivating ads and announcements so clear

beauty and success, just one pound away

happiness, just twoand self-love, quite a few

sometimes i need an escape from this hollow home,

but i’m captive to treadmills and running on emptythe faster i run the closer the victory,

but in conquering the sky, the journey is ended.

08/03/2006I did it. 5 stone exactly. I was so happy when I stepped on the scales this morning. I even celebrated by having a rice cake for breakfast. I never have breakfast, kinda hoping I hadn’t ruined it! One problem though. I was getting ready this morning to go and meet a friend. I got dressed, put my make up on and straightened my hair, as I would normally. I was in such a good mood because of the success. I then stood up to take one final look in the mirror and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was disgust-ing. I wasn’t beautiful at all. I was skinny but not beautiful. I didn’t under-stand. I still don’t. All this hard work and as soon as I have reached my goal it was ruined. I had succeed-ed in nothing but making myself a smaller version of the disgusting creature

I was before. I broke down and binged. I had 4 packets of crisps, 2 chocolate bars, a pint of coke and some biscuits. I went into a sort of frenzy. I couldn’t sit still. I was crying, I was try-ing to reapply make up and change my clothes, putting my hair up and down. I suppose it could’ve been the sugar rush. I started exercising because I re-alised about how much I had binged and just ruined 3 months of hard work. I then realised I was working for nothing. This pain and suffering I had put myself through hadn’t made me perfect. I threw myself into a bout of hysteria and I couldn’t handle it. I was sick constantly for about an hour. My mum found my wrapped around the toilet bowl. Struggling to breathe through my tears. I’m in hospital now. I don’t know when I’m going home.

10/03/2006I am home now. But under constant supervi-sion from my mother. She is forcing food at me left right and centre. Plates stacked high with calorie after calorie. God, if this continues I will be back to where I started. A fatter version of this vile creature. I was not al-lowed to leave the dinner table until every mouth-ful was gone. My mum sat and watched me. I sat there for 5 hours. Why is she controlling me like this? Stupid bitch! The only thing I have control over in my life and she is taking it away from me. I think she forgets I am 17 now. I have my own life, make my own deci-sions and she can’t take it away from me. But she still sat in front of me for 5 hours to watch me eat. Has she not got anything better to do with her

time. She is filled with crap as well. “I’m doing it for your own good.” “It’s only because I care.” “You are ill, I want you to be better so we can have you back to being happy and ambitious, like you always have been.” I am ambitious. I am ambi-tious about reaching my target weight and being beautiful and succeeding. And I am happy. When I am not an overweight disgusting waste of space! She is ruining all my hard work and taking away my ambition! Doesn’t she realise this. I’m sat in bed now. Wondering why on earth she thinks this is good for me. It’s like she wants me to be ugly and unsuccessful. I will let this whole hospital escapade die down and I will pick it up eventually. For the moment I’m just going to have to bite the bullet. Hypothetically of course.

Completely stunning. I love this photograph because this is how I should be. She has a stunning figure, beauti-ful smile, perfect hair. If I stand like this, the fat on my back folds my stomach bulges un-der my arms and my neck creases. Perhaps men can’t see this though. Ah what am I kidding. Everyone can see it. Un-fortunatly, I discovered through years of try-ing that I ca never look like this. No matter how much I diet, starve my-self or excercise, I can’t make myself this beautiful. And it’s a shame.Because the world could use a few happier people. If everyone was thin and beautiful, more people would be happy and the world would be slightly more bearable.

I guess we will never know.

04/03/2010It’s been a long time now. I slipped back into episodes of fasting after my hospital trip. It wasn’t until about a year ago I finally man-aged to pull myself out of this and start forgetting to care what to eat. It doesn’t mean I don’t care what I look like though. Every morning I look in the mirror and after spending hours on my hair, makeup and choosing what to wear, something still isn’t right. I know for a fact it’s me. But in what sense? Can I just not see this “beauty” or is it just that it will never be. Either way, it’s never going to change. I can never be who I want to be physi-cally, so I am now strug-gling to make myself the person I want mentally. Positivity and enthusiasm is the key. Bollocks. I am now 21 years old. I have the perfect life. Doing well and studying for my de-

gree, have the best friends in the world, not to men-tion an amazing boyfriend, supportive family and a great future ahead of me. Why am I so ungrateful? Because I spent so long trying to catch perfection in its physical sense and I feel a failure for not reach-ing it. Every time I see my reflection is another reminder of how I failed and how people didn’t sup-port me in what I wanted. It still makes me cry at night and I will still have days where I will be too upset to eat anything but now I am living away from home, nobody here really notices because they don’t know my past. These days are becoming less and less frequent. I suppose that’s a good sign. Maybe one day I will wake up and be that beautiful woman I worked so hard to be. We’ll just have to see how long I can put up with it...