murder burger

EXT. TENT IN THE WOODS - NIGHT

SILHOUETTES OF A MAN AND WOMAN CAN BE SEEN THROUGH THE TENT. WE SEE THE MAN TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT AND THE WOMAN PINCHING HIS NIPPLES.

INT. TENT IN THE WOODSWITTY LLAMA IS PLAYING A CARD GAME WITH DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON.

WITTY LLAMA

Playing strip Go Fish was such a good

idea.

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON

Yeah, Im glad you thought of it. Do

you have any threes?

WITTY LLAMA

Go fish.

OUTSIDE THERES THE SOUND OF A TWIG BREAKING


What the hell was that?

WITTY LLAMA

That was you losing those undies, bud.

ANOTHER TWIG BREAKS OUTSIDE


Theres something outside.

WITTY LLAMA(irritated)

After I prove theres nothing out

there, youd better stop being a pussy

and strip.

WITTY LLAMA UNZIPS THE TENT


No, dont.

WITTY LLAMA EXITS THE TENT.

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON IS SCARED. HES BITING HIS NAILS AND BREATHING QUICKLY. HE ZIPS THE TENT FLAP CLOSED.

THERES THE SOUND OF A TWIG BREAKING OUTSIDE, THEN ANOTHER, THEN ANOTHER, THEN A THUMP LIKE THE SOUND OF A LARGE ROCK HITTING THE GROUND.

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON CURLS UP INTO THE FETAL POSITION.

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON (CONTD)

(whispering)

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

ANOTHER TWIG BREAKS OUTSIDE


(yelling)

This isnt funny anymore!

THE TENT IS SLOWLY UNZIPPED.


No!

WE SEE WITTY LLAMAS SMILING FACE.

WITTY LLAMA

There isnt anyone out here, you

blubbering idiot.

WITTY LLAMA HOLDS UP AN EMPTY PAPER BAG.

WITTY LLAMA (CONTD)

This empty paper bag is what you

heard. Ooh, so scary.

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON IS RELIEVED.

"Epidode Title" 2.


I knew that. I wasnt even scared, I

was just pretending.

WITTY HITS THE PAPER BAG SO IT MAKES A LOUD NOISE.

WITTY LLAMA

Boo!

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON SHUDDERS.

WITTY LLAMA (CONTD)

Now strip.

WE SEE A DARK SHADOW OVER WITTY LLAMA. DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON IS TERRIFIED. THE CAMERA PANS OUT AND WE SEE A LARGE LOOMING FIGURE STANDING BEHIND WITTY LLAMA. DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON POINTS TO THE FIGURE.


Witty...

WITTY LLAMA

Strip.


Llama...

WITTY LLAMA

What?


Behind you.

WITTY LLAMA TURNS AROUND AND SEES WHAT LOOKS TO BE A GIGANTIC CHEESEBURGER STANDING IN FRONT OF HER.

WITTY LLAMA

Who the fuck are you?

THE CHEESEBURGER PICKS WITTY LLAMA UP OFF OF THE GROUND. HER FEET DANGLE IN THE AIR AND SHE STRUGGLES TO CATCH HER BREATH.

"Epidode Title" 3.

THE CHEESEBURGER TAKES A GIANT TOOTHPICK OUT OF HIS BUN AND STICKS IT THROUGH WITTY LLAMAS HEAD, THEN TOSSES HER TO THE SIDE OF THE TENT.

DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON IS RUNNING AROUND INSIDE THE TENT LIKE A MAD MAN, BUT HE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. THE CHEESEBURGER STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE TENT.

CHEESEBURGER

I know what youre thinking: No olive?

Im more of a pickle guy myself.

FROM OUTSIDE THE TENT WE WATCH THE SILHOUETTES OF THE CHEESEBURGER AND DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSON AS THE CHEESEBURGER MURDERS HIM. WHEN WE LOOK BACK AT THE SCENE, WE ZOOM IN ON WITTY LLAMAS LIFELESS BODY AND SEE DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSONS DICK HAS BEEN STABBED THROUGH THE TOOTHPICK. PRETTY FUCKING COOL, HONESTLY.

THEN THE MOVIE TITLE FLASHES ACROSS THE SCREEN:

MURDER BURGER

EXT. VAN - DAY

A SHITTY OLD VAN HEADS DOWN THE HIGHWAY. THERES NOTHING AROUND FOR MILES.

INT. VAN

INSIDE THE VAN IS A GROUP OF SEVEN YOUNG PEOPLE. JMONSTERFACE IS DRIVING THE VAN, WHILE CATHY ACKERMAN RIDES SHOTGUN. IN THE MIDDLE ROW OF SEATS IS MWN AND OOOOO. IN THE BACK ROW OF SEATS IS TORO Y MIST, NOHORSEMAN, AND SOUPRMAN.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Im really looking forward to being a

camp counselor this year.

"Epidode Title" 4.

TORO Y MIST

We know, Cathy.

CATHY ACKERMAN

You know my mom was a counselor at

this same camp when she was a

teenager.

MWN

We fucking know, Cathy.

CATHY ACKERMAN

I was conceived at this camp.

OOOOO LUNGES TOWARD CATHY ACKERMAN LIKE HES GOING TO CHOKE HER BUT DECIDES NOT TO AT THE LAST SECOND. MWN AND TORO Y MIST ARE LAUGHING THEIR BUTTS OFF.

NOHORSEMAN

Hey, you guys dont believe those

legends about Camp Chanson, do you?

OOOOO

You mean that a bunch of kids were

murdered there by a cheeseburger?

Nah, bro, I dont.

NOHORSEMAN

Oh, good. Me neither.

FROM THE SHADOWS OF THE DARKEST DEPTHS OF THE VAN COMES A GRUFF VOICE.

SOUPRMAN

You dont have to believe it, boy.

That aint gonna stop it from being

true.

"Epidode Title" 5.

EVERYONE IS STARTLED BY THIS NEW PRESENCE, EXCEPT JMONSTERFACE WHO IS ALWAYS A COOL CUKE.

JMONSTERFACE

Awake now, are you stranger? We

picked you up a coffee when we stopped

at the gas station about an hour back.

SOUPRMAN

Youre all gonna die at that camp.

JMONSTERFACE

Would you mind handing Soupy his

coffee, mwn?

MWN GIVES THE COFFEE TO SOUPRMAN, BUT HE KNOCKS IT AWAY AND THE COFFEE DRENCHES MWN.

MWN

What the hell, man? If that coffee

wasnt so fucking old Id have been

scolded.

SOUPRMAN

You mean scalded, boy.

MWN

Whatd you say to me?

JMONSTERFACE POINTS OUT THE WINDOW.

JMONSTERFACE

There she is, theres Camp Chanson.

She sure is a beautiful sight.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Yeah, she must work out.

CATHY ACKERMAN AND JMONSTERFACE LAUGH TOGETHER AND LEAN CLOSER AND CLOSER IN UNTIL THEIR HEADS TOUCH. AHH, LOVE.

"Epidode Title" 6.

EXT. CAMP - DAY

THE CAMP COUNSELORS PILE OUT OF THE VAN AND START HEADING UP TO THE CABINS. ONLY MWN IS LEFT BEHIND. HE IS STRUGGLING TO CARRY HIS BAGS.

MWN

Thanks for your help, guys. No, no,

dont worry about it, I got it.

MWN KEEPS REARCHING IN THE VAN FOR THE BAGS.

MWN (CONTD)

Assholes dont even care that I hurt

my hand the other day and carrying

stuff SUCKS now.

A FIGURES COMES UP BEHIND MWN.

MWN (CONTD)

Finally, someones here to help me.

MWN TURNS AROUND AND BUMPS INTO CHEESEBURGER.

MWN (CONTD)

What the...?

CHEESEBURGER SMUSHES MWN LIKE A PANCAKE UNTIL HE FITS NEATLY INTO A LITTLE STYROFOAM CONTAINER. NOW LETS GO SEE HOW EVERYONE ELSE IS GONNA DIE.

INT. CAMP CAFETERIA

ALL OF THE CAMPERS AND COUNSELORS ARE GATHERED TOGETHER INSIDE THE CAFETERIA, LISTENING TO THE CAMP OWNER, DIXON, GIVE THE WELCOME SPEECH TO THE CAMP.

DIXON

Youre gonna love it here and so on

and so forth. Alright?

"Epidode Title" 7.

(MORE)

But no complaining either, because

what the hell else are you gonna do

with your summer, play Playstation

One? Now go find your camp counselors

and have a good time.

THE KIDS ALL SEPARATE TO FIND THEIR COUNSELORS. BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE KIDS? THIS IS ABOUT THE COUNSELORS.

CATHY ACKERMAN AND JMONSTERFACE ARE STANDING TOGETHER. CATHY LOOKS WORRIED.

JMONSTERFACE

Is something wrong, Cathy?

CATHY ACKERMAN

I dont know.. I feel a little uneasy,

but Im not sure why.

JMONSTERFACE

What do you mean?

CATHY ACKERMAN

Its like Im experiencing deja vu,

but thats impossible because Ive

never been here before.

THE COOK, TAKEHOMEJOKE, STEPS OUT FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING A TRAY OF BURGERS.

TAKEHOMEJOKE

Its cheeseburger day, kids! Dig in!

CATHY FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

JMONSTERFACE

Oh no, wed better call the nurse.

A CROWD GATHERS AROUND AS JMONSTERFACE HOLDS CATHY IN HIS ARMS AND WAITS FOR THE NURSE TO ARRIVE.

"Epidode Title" 8.

DIXON (CONT'D)

EXT. LAKE - SAME DAY

NOHORSEMAN AND TORO Y MIST ARE WITH THEIR KIDS AT THE LAKE. THEYRE WATCHING THEM AS THEY SWIM.

NOHORSEMAN

What do you think happened with Cathy

today?

TORO Y MIST

Ah, you know, probably just started

her period or something.

NOHORSEMAN

I heard she fainted.

TORO Y MIST

Its all part of being a woman, dude.

Trust me, I grew up with five

brothers, I know this stuff.

ONE OF TORO Y MISTS KIDS, MISTER SMART, STARTS WAVING HIS ARMS AND SCREAMING.

TORO Y MIST (CONTD)

Hey, no waving your arms! Im trying

to chill over here!

MISTER SMART CONTINUES TO WAVE HIS ARMS.

TORO Y MIST (CONTD)

Im gonna kick your ass, kid.

TORO Y MIST WALKS OVER AND PULLS MISTER SMART OUT OF THE WATER. WHEN HE DOES HE SEES THE BODY OF WITTY LLAMA WASH UP ON THE SHORE WITH THE GIANT TOOTHPICK THROUGH HER HEAD AND DEFINITELYNOTOJSIMPSONS DICK STICKING THROUGH IT.

TORO Y MIST (CONTD)

Oh shit, what the fuck?

SOUPRMAN RISES OUT OF THE WATER SUDDENLY.

"Epidode Title" 9.

SOUPRMAN

I warned you. Youre all gonna die.

TORO Y MIST PUSHES SOUPRMAN BACK INTO THE WATER. NOHORSEMAN IS SOBBING ON THE SHORE.

TORO Y MIST

Pull yourself together, NoHorseman,

and go tell the camp owner about this.

Ill take care of the kids.

EXT. CAMP OWNERS OFFICE

NOHORSEMAN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR TO THE CABIN. THE CAMP OWNER, DIXON, OPENS THE DOOR.

DIXON

What do you want?

NOHORSEMAN

Theres a.. Theres a... The legend is

true!

DIXON PULLS NOHORSEMAN INTO HIS OFFICE.

INT. CAMP OWNERS OFFICE

DIXON

Keep your voice down, kid.

DIXON SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF.

DIXON (CONTD)

So Cheeseburger thinks he can

slaughter all my campers again like

hes done year after year? Hed

better wise up.

NOHORSEMAN

You know about this?

"Epidode Title" 10.

DIXON

Of course I know about it. You cant

spend every Summer covering up the

murders of every one of your campers

without figuring theres a murderer on

the loose.

NOHORSEMAN

Why are you covering it up?

DIXON

Theyll close the camp if they find

out its unsafe. Id lose all the

money that I rake in running this

joint.

NOHORSEMAN

But the kids...

DIXON

What about em? Bunch a snotnosed

brats, if you ask me. Hey, you in the

mood for nachos?

NOHORSEMAN

I dont understand...

DIXON

I got Velveeta melting on the stove

and I have a bag of Tostitos on the

counter. Put two and two together,

kid.

"Epidode Title" 11.

NOHORSEMAN

No, I dont understand why youre not

more upset about the murders.

DIXON

Is that a double no? No on the nachos

as well?

DIXON SEES NOHORSEMANS FACE AND CAN SEE HE DOESNT WANT NACHOS. DOESNT EVEN SEEM APPRECIATIVE OF THE OFFER.

DIXON (CONTD)

Look, I cant have this murder getting

out around the camp and you seem like

a weiner boy as well as a chatty

cathy.

DIXON SLITS NOHORSEMANS THROAT. NOHORSEMAN HOLDS HIS BLEEDING WOUND AND STRUGGLES TO TALK.

NOHORSEMAN(gurgling)

I wasnt the only one who saw it.

NOHORSEMAN FALLS TO HIS DEATH.

DIXON

Shit, I usually remember to ask about

that before I slit their throats. Ah

well, thats the life of a wealthy

camp owner.

DIXON IS CLEANING UP THE BLOOD THAT IS ALL OVER HIS FLOOR WHEN THE CABIN DOOR CREAKS OPEN.

CHEESEBURGER

Knock-knock.

"Epidode Title" 12.

DIXON

Whos there?

CHEESEBURGER

Burger.

DIXON

Burger who?

CHEESEBURGER

Cheeseburger, the psychotic killer.

DIXON LOOKS UP, SEES THE GIANT BURGER STANDING OVER HIM AND SHRIEKS IN HORROR. CHEESEBURGER TAKES THE POT OF MELTING VELVEETA OFF OF THE STOVE AND POURS IT OVER THE TOP OF DIXON AND HE DIES SCREAMING IN AGONY. LIKE IN SEASON ONE OF GAME OF THRONES. REMEMBER THAT?

CHEESEBURGER (CONTD)

Order up.

INT. NURSES OFFICE

CATHY ACKERMAN IS LAYING IN THE NURSES OFFICE WITH A WET TOWEL ON HER FOREHEAD. JMONSTERFACE IS HOLDING HER HAND. THE NURSE, JACOB C, IS EXPLAINING THE SITUATION TO THE TWO OF THEM.

JACOB C

You just got a little overheated is

all. Take it easy and you should be

well by morning.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Okay. Can I attend the ice-cream

social tonight?

JACOB C

Sure, sweetie, just dont pile on the

toppings, okay?

"Epidode Title" 13.

CATHY ACKERMAN

I wont, I promise.

JACOB C KISSES CATHY ON THE HEAD AND LEAVES THE ROOM.

JMONSTERFACE

Im glad youre okay.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Me too.

JMONSTERFACE

Just make sure you let me know if

youre starting to feel overheated

again.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Thats the thing though.. I never felt

hot. I just felt kind of strange and

anxious.

JMONSTERFACE

You think the nurse misdiagnosed you?

CATHY ACKERMAN

I dont know.. Maybe.

CATHY SITS QUIETLY FOR A MOMENT.

JMONSTERFACE

Hey, why do you think the nurse told

you not to pile on the toppings?

CATHY ACKERMAN

I have no idea.

EXT. CAMP SHED - NIGHT

TWO CAMP COUNSELORS, OOOOO AND ELIZAMUFFINS, ARE KISSING IN THE SHED.

"Epidode Title" 14.

OOOOO

Not so rough, Elizamuffins, Im

delicate.

ELIZAMUFFINS

I know, baby, thats what I like most

about you.

ELIZAMUFFINS SQUEEZES OOOOO TIGHTER.

OOOOO

Hey, I said not so rough.

ELIZAMUFFINS

Sorry.

OOOOO FEELS SOMETHING HIT HIM ON THE BUTT.

OOOOO

Goddamnit, Eliza!

ELIZAMUFFINS

I didnt do anything.

OOOOO

Well, if you didnt hit me in the

butt, who did?

CHEESEBURGER EMERGES FROM THE SHADOWS.

ELIZAMUFFINS

Who the hell are you?

CHEESEBURGER

Do you really wanna know?

ELIZAMUFFINS

Yeah, I do, dipshit.

"Epidode Title" 15.

CHEESEBURGER

Have it your way. Im cheeseburger

and Im here to tenderize your meat.

ELIZAMUFFINS

Huh?

CHEESEBURGER PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ELIZAMUFFINS AND OOOOO WITH A MEAT TENDERIZER. HE IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHEN HE IS FINISHED. HE SCOOPS SOME UP AND LICKS IT.

CHEESEBURGER

Mmmm... tastes nothing like ketchup.

INT. AUDITORIUM - SAME NIGHT

THE CAMP AUDITORIUM IS DECORATED BEAUTIFULLY FOR THE ICE-CREAM SOCIAL WITH RED AND YELLOW STREAMERS. ALL THE KIDS ARE DANCING AND SOCIALIZING AND THE CAMP COUNSELORS ARE HAVING SOME FUN OF THEIR OWN.

TORO Y MIST AND SOUPRMAN ARE HANGING OUT AT THE ICE-CREAM TABLE CHATTING.

TORO Y MIST

Sorry about pushing you into the lake

earlier.

SOUPRMAN

Thats okay, I kind of deserved it.

It was insensitive of me to tell you

that you were going to die after youd

just seen a dead body.

TORO Y MIST

And a dismembered penis.

SOUPRMAN

Well, yeah, I didnt want to bring up

the dismembered penis.

"Epidode Title" 16.

TORO Y MIST

Its been a rough day.

SOUPRMAN

Its only gonna get worse. Youre all

gonna die.

TORO Y MIST

Ah, man. Whyd you have to fuck up

our moment?

SOUPRMAN

Sorry. Habit.

JMONSTERFACE AND CATHY ACKERMAN ARE SITTING ON A BENCH IN THE AUDITORIUM EATING ICE-CREAM.

JMONSTERFACE

How you feeling, Cathy?

CATHY ACKERMAN

Okay, I guess.. I just get the feeling

something is wrong.

THE CHEF, TAKEHOMEJOKE, WALKS INTO THE AUDITORIUM WITH A TRAY OF CHEESEBURGERS.

TAKEHOMEJOKE

Its time for this ice-cream social to

become a cheeseburger and ice-cream

social.

ITS LIKE CATHY HAS HAD A SWITCH TURNED ON. SHE STANDS UP IN A DAZE.

JMONSTERFACE

Cathy, are you okay?

CHEESEBURGER ENTERS THE AUDITORIUM CARRYING A TRAY OF CONDIMENTS.

"Epidode Title" 17.

CHEESEBURGER

Anybody want relish on their burger?

CATHY LOOKS AT CHEESEBURGER.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Daddy?

CHEESEBURGER STARES AT CATHY AND DROPS HIS TRAY OF CONDIMENTS.

CHEESEBURGER

My little baby burger?

CATHY RUNS OVER TO CHEESEBURGER AND THEY EMBRACE.

JMONSTERFACE

What the hell is going on?

CATHY ACKERMAN

Lets kill these McMotherfuckers.

CHEESEBURGER

Ba da ba ba ba Im lovin it.

CATHY AND CHEESEBURGER BEGIN TERRORIZING THE AUDITORIUM. THEY DROWN TORO Y MIST IN MUSTARD. THEY PELT NURSE JACOB C TO DEATH WITH A SESAME SEED GUN. THEY USE A FLAVOR INJECTOR TO FILL TAKEHOMEJOKE WITH RELISH UNTIL HE POPS. AND THE KIDS.. OH, THE KIDS. THEY GIVE ALL THE KIDS A SIDE OF APPLE SLICES INSTEAD OF FRENCH FRIES AND THEY ALL KILL THEMSELVES. COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT HORRIFYING NONETHELESS.

THE DUO ZEROES IN ON SOUPRMAN, OUR BELOVED HARBINGER OF DOOM.

SOUPRMAN

Welp, I know how this is gonna go.

CHEESEBURGER

Yeah, weve gone down this road many

times before.

CHEESEBURGER HANDS SOUPRMAN A PILE OF JACK IN THE BOX COUPONS.

"Epidode Title" 18.


Heres your money. Thanks for

stirring things up and putting

everyone on edge.

SOUPRMAN

Not a problem. See you later, Cheese.

And nice to meet you, Baby Burger.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Nice to meet you too.

SOUPRMAN EXITS THE AUDITORIUM AND NOW THE ONLY PERSON LEFT STANDING IS JMONSTERFACE.

JMONSTERFACE

Cathy, my love. Please let me help

you. We can get through this.

CATHY ACKERMAN

I dont know...

JMONSTERFACE

We can, I promise you. Youre the

only woman Ive ever loved and I

forgive you. You know how badly Ive

been hurt in the past.

JMONSTERFACE HAS TEARS STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE.

CATHY ACKERMAN

I know...

JMONSTERFACE

You know how badly Ive been burned

before.

CHEESEBURGER AND CATHY ACKERMAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

"Epidode Title" 19.

CHEESEBURGER

Do you wanna say it or should I?

CATHY ACKERMAN

Let me do the honors, dad.

JMonsterface, you may have been burned

in the past, but not as badly as

youll be burned tonight.

JMONSTERFACE IS CONFUSED.

CHEESEBURGER

My little girl is growing up.

JMONSTERFACE

What? What are you gonna do to me?

CATHY POINTS TO THE GRILL AND JMONSTERFACE SCREAMS.

CUT TO:

INT. AUDITORIUM - AN HOUR LATER

CHEESEBURGER AND CATHY ACKERMAN ARE SITTING TOGETHER ON THE BENCH EATING HAMBURGERS. JMONSTERFACE IS BURNED UP IN AN AGONIZING POSITION ON THE BARBECUE GRILL.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Hey dad?

CHEESEBURGER

Yes, sweetie?

CATHY ACKERMAN

So you got my mom pregnant at this

camp 20 years ago, right?

CHEESEBURGER

Thats right, dear.

"Epidode Title" 20.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Did you dress like a burger back then?

CHEESEBURGER

Youd better believe it.

CATHY ACKERMAN

So why did mom sleep with you? Was

she into furries?

CHEESEBURGER

Not all furries, sweetie. You could

say your mom was a bit of a burger ho.

CATHY ACKERMAN HITS CHEESEBURGER ON THE ARM, THEN RESTS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER.

CATHY ACKERMAN

Oh, dad, youre so silly.

CHEESEBURGER

What do you think of your burger?

CATHY ACKERMAN

Ill give you a hint: Red Robin.

CHEESEBURGER

Huh?

CATHY SMILES AT CHEESEBURGER. CHEESEBURGER LAUGHS.


Oh.. Yum!

THEY LAUGH TOGETHER AND THE CAMERA PANS OUT SO WE SEE ALL OF THE DEAD CAMP COUNSELORS SCATTERED AROUND, AS WELL AS THE CHILDREN HANGING FROM THE CEILING. APPLE SLICES REALLY ARE BULLSHIT, GUYS.

"Epidode Title" 21.

murder burger

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