;h"Mahfs

PROLOGUETHE HERO'S REMINISCENCES

It was about two months after my mother died in childbirth that

I first laid eyes on my grandfather. I was six yean old at the time.

Until that sudden encounter, I had not even known of his existence.

It was evening, and I was sitting idly outside our front gate. A

strange old man came and stood over me. He stooped a little, his

eyes were sunken, and there was about him a general air ofseediness.

I took an instant dislike to him.

Smiling unnaturally he made as if to talk to me. In spite I refirsed

to meet his eyes, and stared at the ground. The turned up mouth,

the deeply creased skin around it-everything about him was

"o*-orr. ;Go away," I wanted to tell him. I relirsed to look up. But

the old man continued to stand in front of me, until I could not

bear his presence any longer. I got up and ran through the gate.

The old man called out from behind, "He/, are you Kensaku?"

I felt as though the words had struck me a blow- I stopped and

turned around. I was as wary as before, but from habit perhaPs, mY

head nodded obedientlYi'Is your dad home?" he asked. I shook my head. The familiarity

of his tone filled me with foreboding.

He walked up to me and put his hand on my head. "You've

grown.tt

I had no idea who this old man was; but already I had the premo-

nition that here was someone closely tied to me by blood. I stood

there rigidly, almost suffccating.The old man said no more' and left.

He appeared again two or three days later, and this time my father

introduced him to me as my grandfather.

Then, ten days after that, I was sent off to live with him- His was

a small, old house, hidden deep in a side street near Ogyomatsu in

Negishi. And here with my grandfather lived a woman in her early

twenties named Oei.

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My new surroundings were quite different from what I had beenused to. Now everything smelled of poverty and vulgarity. And Icould not but wonder resentfully whyof the children"i' my familyf alone should have been made to come and live with ,ii, .o**o'old man. But it did not occur to me to ask anyone why I had been sounfairly treated, for since my infancy I had come to expect injustice.Of course there were times when i would become .rug,r.ly awarethat for the rest op my life I wourd continue to encounter such un-fairness; and then I would feer forrorn, and miss my mother who haddied two months before.

One could not say that in the years I lived with my parenrs, myfather was ever positively, openly cruel to me. But always, alwayshe was-cold' I suppose I hal come to take his cordness so much forgranted that any other kind of rerationship between father and sonwas inconceivable to me. I did not think io ask myserf whether hisbehavior toward his other children was in any way different; and Ifelt no particular sadness that he should treat me as he did.My mother was inclined to be harsh with me, and scolded me atevery turn' True, I was a willful and disobedient child. But often, itwould seem, she would punish only me for doing exactly what mybrother, too, was doing.l lov.d my mother deeply, nevertheless.

* r f *

r must have been four or five at the time. rt was an autumnevening. Seeing that everyole was busy preparing dinner, I crept outof the house, and using a radder that haibeen left*reaning against theservants' lavatory, I climbed to the top of the main roof. I crawredalong the ridge to the large end tile ani straddred it. I felt suddenlyjo4l,and began to sing at the top of my voice. Never had I sat insuch a high place. The persim*or,i..r, so much taller than I before,now was beneath me.

The western sky glowed with the setting sun. And there werecrows, flying about restlessly ."Kensaku . Kensaku . ,, ft was my mother, calling mein a voice that was eerily soft and caressirrg. ;,Stuy where you are,understand? Don't move, please. yamamoio will be with you in aminute. Please listen to me, and be absolutely still.,,

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The skin around her eyes seemed taut as she looked at me. And

from the unnatural gentleness of her manner I knew that something

o,rit. o.rt of the ordinary was happening. I decided that I would try

to go do*r, before Yamamoto could get to me. slowly I pushed my-

seliback a little along the ridge. "Oh, no!" My mother looked as

though she was about to cry. "Don't move, please, Kensaku' Be a

good boY and listen to me!""

I, *u, her eyes, staring with a strange intentness into mine, that

forced me to be still'

In a little while Yamamoto and another manservant reached me,

and guided me down gingerlY'

Of course my mother gave me a severe beating. Then from the

strain she burst out crying'

My memory of this incident gained new clarity when she was gone'

For years afier, my eyes would fill with tears whenever I remembered

it. And I have thought to myself: whatever else, my mother at least

loved me very much.

* * *

I am certain this happened at about the same time, though what

came before or after, I cannot remember.

I was lying alone on the floor of the morning room, daydreaming'

The door opened, and my father walked in. He must have just come

home. Saying nothing he walked Past me to the cupboard and took out

of his sleeve pocket a small package which he placed on toP of it. I

lay still as he walked out of the room, my eyes fixed on the package.

I knew it had come from a cake shoP.

A moment later he was back. This time he opened the cupboard

door and carefully pur away the package. Again without a word he

left the room.Darkness seemed suddenly to fall around me as I lay there

brooding over the slight. And by the time my mother came into the

adjoining room to put away my father's street clothes, I was in a

very black mood, desperately needing an outlet for the intense resent-

ment that had built up inside me."Mama, I want some cake !""What are you saying!" she said angrily. Indeed, I had only a few

t n

minutes before been given my afternoon snack."Come on, give me some.,,

She refused to listen to me. She put away the clothes in thewardrobe, then turned to ]eave. I got up and stood in front of her."Please, mama!" Stil saying_nothiig she reached for my cheek andgave it a quick, hard pinch. In fury I slapped fr., of.rrai.rg t u.ra.

ur'rrll"'". already hid you, ,.ru.k, haven,t you?,, she saii glaring

Now more blatant, I began pleading for the cake my father hadbrought home."certainly

not!" she said. "stop this nonsense at once!,, ..r wantsome," I said stubbornly, as thougir f was demanding only what wasrightfully mine.I really did not want the cake. what I wanted was to cry my heartout, or to be shouted at, or to be beaten_it didn,t matter which,so long as something was done to soothe

terrib[ feeling of opp..rrior. my neryes, to get rid of the

My mother p"rh.i me.aside and began to walk away.I grabbedher sash from behind and pulled her hlrd toward me. She rost herbalance and wourd have falien if the sriding door had not been withinher reach. The door

. tn. was.now;;i; *f;'"::tr. -*f,", -r wrist and drasged meto the cupboard. She got out a large chunk of bean cake, and with

1* *_" arm holding my head tighi against her side, began to forcethe jellylike cake into my mouth. I could feel against my ronguethin strips of the r*r:t stuffoozing through the gais in m1'clenchedbaby teeth' I was so frightened l J""ra .ro, even cry. The excitement*3:,ro? much for my mother, and she burst into tears. I, too, afterawhile, began to cry.

* * *

Everything was slovenly in my grandfather's house in Negishi.Every morning, when he got up, fr. *"rfa amble over to the neigh_borhood public bath with"a ,ooirrpi"r. dangting out of the corner ofhis mouth; and on returning *o,rri go straight to the breakfast tablestill in his night clothes.People of all sorts dropped in. Those who came on card_playing

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nights were particularly odd' There was a university student

amongst the group, I remember; and a secondhand dealer' and a

novelist (was he really?), and a woman in her fifties with what I

tfrorgfrt was a *idowtiLt uir about her' whom everyone called Mrs'

Yamakami. This woman always brought along a small' black-leather

l u g , f i k . a d o c t o r ' s , w h i c h c o n t a i n e d w i t h o u t f a i l ' I w a s t o l d ' a l o tof small change, a new pack of cards' and a pair of gold-rimmed

olasses. I learned later that this woman was indeed not a widow at

ii. ,i*. o"i tr,e *iru of some aged professor of history. Her nephew

had apparently once lived with bei' and through this connection she

had come to know my grandfather' She loved her hobby' which she

kept a secret fro- h",iusband' Some twenty years afterward Oei

told me that this woman's nephew drank a great deal' was always

smoking cigars, and was, in fact, an unmitigated detnuchee' Three

vears before my move to the house in Negishi he had' for no clear

,"uro.r, put an end to his dissolute life'

Mrs. Yamakami usually departed at about ten o'clock' and in her

place would aPpear a young vaudeville entertainer' This fellow never

lfot. unytiringbut the Osika dialect, though it was obvious he was

u tokyo man born and bred'

Oei never took part in the game, but was for practical reasons

interested in how my grandfather was doing' and would sometimes

g;, l..y irritated at the way he was playing and make comments'

whenever she did this, the entertainer would say something amusing

at her expense in his vulgar way and make the others laugh'

I have often wond."i 'i"ce why my grandfather lived the way

he did. lle was getting a regular allowance from my father' enough

to keep him in *od.,"t "o"'-fo"' Yet he would allow a secondhand

dealer to hold auctions at his house for a commission' or buy and sell

bric-a-brac himself. Perhaps he simply liked doing such things' Profit

or no profit.Oei was not at all a pretty person normally' But sometimes' such

as when she put on h.ufr *uit-t'p after her evening bath' she seemed

very beautiful to me. And when she was feeling particularly gay'

she would start singing popular songs quietly after she had had a

drink or two with ily"g*"af"ther' ihen suddenly she would pick

me up and put *. ot'-ht' knees and hold me tight in her strong'

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thick arms' I would feel such ecstasy then, r hardry cared that I couldnot breathe.I never did manage to become fond of my grandfather. Indeed,my dislike for him grew as the days went by. But oei was different-f came to like her mr:re and more.

* * *

One Sunday-or it might have been some national holiday_half a year or so after -y*-o.r, to Negishi, my grand.father and Ivisited my father's house in Hongo. I\{y erder brother was our on apicnic with one of the servants,lnd only my father and my babysister Sakiko, not yet a year old, were at home.My father seemed in an unusuaty friendry mood as he receivedus in his study' He spoke-to me kindiy. I think now that somethinggood must have hapnened that day to make him so cheerful, and thathe was being charming to me o,rt of mere caprice. But I was quiteunsuspecting then. I felt myself drawn to him, and when my grand-father left for the morning room, I remained.

He said suddenly, ,,Wo.,ld yo, iik. to wrestle with me, Kensaku?,,I merely nodded. But my excitement and pleasure must have beenpitifully apparent.He remained seated. ,,Come

on, then,,, he said, and held out hishands.I jumped up and rushed at him. He pushed me away easily...Say,you're not bad.,'I was elated. I braced myself, lowered my head, then chargedagain.All I wanted was. to hear him say what a brave and strong boy Iwas. I don't think I cared very much whether I won or lost.

^,-t nuo n-ever played like this with him before. I was taut with ex-crtement. It was as though my entire body had gained a new strengthfrom such unexpected pl.*r,rr., urra ,ro matter how often he pushed

1ne away, I kept on hurring myserf at him. But not """. lia rr. rr,down his defence for me.

Once more I charged. ..How about this,,, he said, and shoved meback hard' surprised, I fell backward on the floor with a big thump.I lay still for a moment, stunned breathless. Then I felt a touch of

20

anger. I jumped up and faced him, readying myself for another

"-iirg.. g,rt th. man I now saw seemed suddenly to have changed.--

"fi', all over," he said, smiling in a strange, tight way'

"Not Yet," I said'"So you won't give uP, eh?""Of course not."

Veryqu ick ly l foundmyse l fon the f looraga in , th is t imep inned

down urrder his knee. "Now will you give up?" he said. I said nothing.

Iai ,i*t r, rhen.', He undid his sash, then with one end tied my

n*a, i.hl'd my back and with the other tied my ankles. I couldn't

aou. u, all. "Say you've had enough and I'll untie you'"

I looked at him coldly. The warmth that I had felt toward him

only moments before was now all gone'"-irr. activity had exhausted him, and his face was pale and

strained. He was breathing heavily' As he turned away to face his

a" ' l , l s ta redath isheav i , ,gshou lderswi thhate .Soontheout l ineof his back became blurred; then I burst out crying'

Heturnedaroundqu ick ly insurpr ise . . .A l l r igh t ,a l l r igh t .S i l l yfellow, all you had to do was ask me to untie you'"

But even when my hands and legs were free' I continued to lie

there on the floor, crying' "It doesnlt take much to make you cry'

does it?" he said, uni pt'nta me up onto my feet' "All right' that's

enough, go and get something nice to eat'"

t il.gun to be ashamed of having shown such open animosity'

Yet I Jould not bring myself to trust him entirely'

My grandfather and one of the maids came in to see what was

goitg ot. My hther gave an embarrassed laugh and started to ex-

iruirri. When the explanation was -9ltt

*y grandfather laughed

loudest of all. He g",r. my head a light, playful smack and said'

"Silly boy."