negotiating pairbonding, romantic love and jealousy in polyamorous relationships leanna wolfe, ph.d
TRANSCRIPT
![Page 1: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/1.jpg)
Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
![Page 2: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/2.jpg)
DefinitionsDefinitions
Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband
Monogamy - One Spouse Does not preclude sexual fidelity
Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed
Loving Relationships
![Page 3: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/3.jpg)
Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
Compersion loving empathy for one’s partner being
loved/engaged by others New Relationship Energy (NRE)
Limerence Other Significant Other (OSO) Primary, Secondary, Tertiary
maintain social family hierarchy Polyfidelity
sexually faithful to one’s family
![Page 4: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/4.jpg)
Poly ConfigurationsPoly Configurations
Open Couple Independent SinglePrimary and Secondary PartnersMultiple Primary PartnersTriad -- V or Quad Intimate Network
![Page 5: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/5.jpg)
Poly PlayersPoly Players94.3% WhiteHighly EducatedScience Fiction Aficionados
Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)Utopian SwingersFrustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists
![Page 6: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/6.jpg)
Poly Cultural PracticesPoly Cultural Practices
New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones
Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.”
NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life. Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters
![Page 7: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/7.jpg)
Human Reproductive StrategiesHuman Reproductive Strategies Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994) Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999) Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994)
Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle Lover in the Wings 2-4 year Divorce Cycle
Polygamy Polygyny Polyandry
![Page 8: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/8.jpg)
Stages of Romantic LoveStages of Romantic Love Lust
sexual interest -- love at first sight testosterone
Attraction love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE dopamine, norepinephrine
Attachment stability, tranquility, peace oxytocin, vasopressin
Detachment withdrawal, boredom
![Page 9: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/9.jpg)
Brain ChemistryBrain Chemistry
Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”) obsession with details possessiveness/mate guarding
High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate individuals from romantic love roller coasters. little need to be validated from the confirmation
of mutual love
![Page 10: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/10.jpg)
Incidence of Romantic LoveIncidence of Romantic Love
A Human Universal found in nearly all non-Western societies Not a Western cultural artifact!
Considered different from Sexual Lust Can be suicidal when advances are not
reciprocatedSubject to high levels of Jealousy
![Page 11: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/11.jpg)
Pair BondingPair BondingBanned by Oneida and Kerista
Focused on group love Starling brothers and sisters Discouraged investment in NRE
![Page 12: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/12.jpg)
Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie?Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? Its very possible to be in lust with many
partners Its possible to be in the attachment phase
with multiple partners The attraction phase may be largely a mono-
experience Rare instances of falling in love with a couple
![Page 13: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/13.jpg)
Sex-Love Jealousy Biological Roots
males fear being deceived into raising a child that is not biologically theirs.
Cultural Roots may be largely a product of cultural learning, being
barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans
Economic Roots females fear that their partner’s time, energy and
resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.
![Page 14: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/14.jpg)
Kinds of JealousyKinds of Jealousy
Possessive Jealousy Exclusion Jealousy
feeling left out, deprived of time/attention Competition Jealousy
feeling inadequate comparing oneself Ego Jealousy
feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover
Fear Jealousy anxiety that partner will leave permanently
![Page 15: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/15.jpg)
Jealousy and MonogamyJealousy and Monogamy
Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or “true” love.
Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness
Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement is feared
![Page 16: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/16.jpg)
Jealousy and PolygynyJealousy and Polygyny Occurs when resources can be divided
unevenly Can happen when visiting times are
unequal Can arise when favoritism is suspected Can occur when it is not chosen by the
wives switching from monogamy to polygyny co-wives that don’t get along
![Page 17: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/17.jpg)
Ways Swinging Limits Jealousy
Taste but Don’t Surrender No elaborate Seduction
Limited Sharing Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy
Safer Sex Viral and Emotional Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players
![Page 18: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/18.jpg)
Polyamory and JealousyPolyamory and Jealousy
It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing)
Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol)
You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)
![Page 19: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/19.jpg)
Polyamory and Jealousy StudyPolyamory and Jealousy Study
229 questionnaires received 140 questionnaires evaluated
focussed on those that engaged in poly style dating
swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included
created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures.
![Page 20: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/20.jpg)
Research ObjectivesResearch ObjectivesGather information on how poly people
construct their social, emotional and sexual lives
Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations
Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness
![Page 21: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/21.jpg)
Data LimitationsData LimitationsFilling out a questionnaire over a 15-
minute period of time offers only a brief emotional snap shot
Most participants were ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index)
Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”
![Page 22: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/22.jpg)
OverviewOverview58 males82 femalesPeak Baby Boomers
male median age -- 45 female median age -- 43
![Page 23: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/23.jpg)
Ages in 2002
0
10
20
30
40
50
60 Wolfe
Cosmo
Cavallero
Larsen
Schubach
Caust
Gilmartin
![Page 24: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/24.jpg)
Compersion MeasuresCompersion Measures
Watching a partner being sexual with someone else
Being Watched by One’s Partner… Feelings about partner spending the night
with other lovers What happens when partner returns… Impact of poly dating on home relationship Change relationship agreements?
![Page 25: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/25.jpg)
Compersion IndexCompersion Index11 point scaleMedian 9.12Only 7.9% less then 7.Compersive thinking is largely the norm
for the people who participated in this survey
![Page 26: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/26.jpg)
Survey Conclusions Survey Conclusions Prior social, emotional and sexual
independence did not preclude successful adaptation to polyamory
Over 70% reported that practicing polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner
Upwards of 90% contended that being poly had afforded them a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.
![Page 27: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/27.jpg)
Statistically Significant CorrelationsStatistically Significant CorrelationsMales more compersive than females
greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance
Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally embrace poly ideology
Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently more substantial inner life
![Page 28: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/28.jpg)
Actualizing Compersion /Negotiating JealousyActualizing Compersion /Negotiating Jealousy Developed Inner Life
masturbation, spirituality, meditation Full Plate Life
busy with work, family, lovers Extended Family of Choice
Believe in Poly Ideology Celebrate Starling Relationships There is not just one “one”
High Serotonin Uptake Fears of Loss not actualized.
New loves did not displace/replace partners
![Page 29: Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D](https://reader035.vdocuments.net/reader035/viewer/2022062404/551823cb550346ac318b4b3b/html5/thumbnails/29.jpg)
The Polyamory BlurThe Polyamory Blur Limit NRE elevating experiences
Reduces emotional spectrum Embrace Compersive Thinking
Tolerate partners’ other loves Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow
motion. Averts dramatic breakups / divorce
Engage in “Polyarmory” Control partners’ activities Avoid non-poly romantic engagements