New$Manager’s$Playbook:$Having$Difficult$Conversa<ons$With$

Employees

It’s%a%fairly%rou.ne%deployment,%but%this%.me,%it’s%not%full%of%victories.%Something%goes%wrong—seriously%wrong—and%when%the%dust%se>les,%you%discover%the%problem%centers%on%a%basic%mistake%from%one%of%your%programmers.

To#add#to#the#pain,#this#par/cular#programmer#just#happened#to#leave#work#early#that#day#and#miss#all#of#the#fun.

Your%stomach%is%churning,%your%head%is%pounding,%and%you’re%about%ready%to%rip%loose%a%torrent%of%frustra8on%on%innocent%bystanders.

Welcome'to'management!

Now$is$the$perfect$.me$to$have$a$difficult$conversa.on.

Difficult(Conversa1ons,(Defined

A"difficult"conversion"is"any"interac2on"you"have"with"your"team"members"that"puts"you"in"posi2on"of"delivering"feedback"or"correc2on.

As#a#programmer,#you#probably#weren’t#forced#to#face#this#situa9on#because#you#were#responsible#for#your#own#work,#period.#As#a#manager,#you’ll#be#faced#with#ini9a9ng#these#emo9onally<charged#exchanges#on#a#regular#basis#in#a#suppor9ve,#professional#manner.

Difficult(conversa0ons(can(range(from(poin0ng(out(a(flaw(in(a(piece(of(work,(reinforcing(company(policy,(or(the(ul0mate—having(to(tell(someone(to(clean(out(their(desk(and(pick(up(their(last(paycheck(on(the(way(out(the(door.

We#all#love#giving#posi-ve#feedback,#like#breaking#the#news#about#a#promo-on#or#heaping#praise#on#the#person#who#saved#the#project#with#an#elegant#workaround.

But$when$someone$you$manage$screws$up$and$it’s$5me$for$some$good$old8fashioned$accountability,$most$people$would$rather$pay$out$of$pocket$to$endure$a$root$canal$than$have$to$tell$their$former$peer$that$they$screwed$up.

Why$Difficult$Conversa4ons$Are…$Difficult

Let$me$point$out$the$obvious.$No#one#likes#conflict.$

In#today’s#work#environment,#where#we’ve#been#steeped#in#poli7cally#correct#no7ons#of#self:esteem#and#egalitarian#rela7onships,#these#top:down#conversa7ons#feel#soooo#1970s.##

Rather'than'playing'the'nice'guy,'you'have'to'act'like'an'authority'figure,'asking'people'to'toe'the'line,'straighten'up,'and'start'doing'be8er'work.'You’re'afraid'of'coming'off'like'your'junior'high'principal'with'his'polyester'suits,'rigid'ideals,'and'wooden'paddle.

Warning:(Duck(and(Cover(is(a(Dead(End

Naturally,)most)people)avoid)that)uncomfortable)place.)

The$problem$is$that$most$managers$haven’t$found$a$more$func7onal$system.$When$it$comes$to$team$issues,$they’d$rather$sit$around$singing$“Kum$Ba$Yah”$than$give$nega7ve$feedback.$

In#fact,#most#well/inten1oned#new#managers#I#meet#tend#to#fall#into#one#of#two#less/than/produc1ve#camps#when#it#comes#to#conflict.

Those&in&the&first&camp!don’t!talk!about!problems!at!all,!hoping!deep!in!their!hearts!that!things!will!magically!improve!and!that!everyone!will!just!do!everything!perfectly!so!a!manager!won’t!have!to!step!in!at!all.

Those&in&the&second&camp!don’t!think!they!should!have!to!give!correc4on!and!instruc4on—team!members!should!just!“get!it”.!

Usually,(a)er(months(of(watching(a(programmer(make(mistake(a)er(mistake((without(interven:on),(their(internal(scorecard(gets(filled(up,(and(they(decide(that(this(person(just(doesn’t(cut(it.(They(seethe(with(frustra:on(and(decide(that(the(only(solu:on(is(to(fire(the(guy.

Clearly,(there’s(a(lot(of(room(between(those(two(posi5ons(for(clear,(helpful(communica5on,(even(if(it’s(not(easy.(

So#what’s#the#answer?

Have%More%Difficult%Conversa3ons

Don’t&start&looking&for&a&magical&mantra&or&a&perfect&script&to&make&these&uncomfortable&situa6ons&vanish.&You&want&to&learn&to&steer&the&ship,&not&look&for&an&escape&hatch.&

A"willingness"to"look"this"problem"in"the"eye"and"prac6ce"having"tough"conversa6ons"pays"huge"dividends."Believe"it"or"not,"these"conversa6ons"can"be"handled"in"a"way"where"you"and"your"team"can"see"them"as"a"normal—and"produc6ve—part"of"the"design"process.

These%tricky%conversa0ons%can%actually%be%an%effec0ve%tool%to%connect%with%team%members,%invest%in%their%skills,%and%help%the%company%deliver%a%quality%product%that%keeps%them%economically%viable.!

Before&you&call&someone&into&your&office&for&a&difficult&conversa4on,&it&can&take&the&pressure&off&a&bit&when&you&know&your&role&and&own&it&in&these&situa4ons.

Be#the#Conductor

Let’s&go&back&to&our&analogy&of&the&technology&manager&as&the&conductor&of&an&orchestra.

Up#at#the#podium,#the#conductor#has#the#perspec2ve#to#see#and#hear#everything.#They#know#when#the#bassoon#player#misses#her#entrance.#They#hear#the#sloppy#fingering#of#the#third#violins#in#a#difficult#passage.

What%does%the%conductor%do%in%response?

A"skilled"conductor"will"stop"the"rehearsal,"gently"and"clearly"point"out"the"mistake,"and"have"the"musicians"run"the"sec8on"again,"several"8mes"if"necessary.

Conductors*know*there*should*be*li2le*or*no*shame*in*these*exchanges—it’s*just*part*of*preparing*an*en<re*group*for*a*magnificent*performance.*Usually,*a*few*minutes*of*focus*can*smooth*out*the*problem.

While&the&musicians&never&enjoy&ge4ng&singled&out&for&less7than7stellar&playing,&they&also&understand&that&this&a:en;on&lands&on&everyone&eventually.&It’s&part&of&being&in&an&ensemble.

For$more$persistent$problems,$conductors$will$usually$call$the$musicians$aside$and$suggest$something$like$extra$rehearsal$9me$or$one:on:one$sessions$with$the$sec9on$leader.$If$that$interven9on$doesn’t$do$the$trick,$then$it$is$very$possible$that$they’ll$be$looking$for$another$bassoon$player$next$season.$

In#other#words,#clear#communica3on#concerning#individual#and#team#performance#has#a#predictable#pa9ern,#and#the#world#doesn’t#fall#apart#every#3me#the#conductor#points#out#a#need#for#improvement.

Small%conversa-ons,%big%payoff

Likewise,(you(can(offer(ongoing(feedback(in(small,(granular(ways(so(you(grow(comfortable(giving(correc9on(and(your(team(doesn’t(panic(when(they(receive(it.(

One$easy$way$to$do$this$is$by$offering$a$bit$of$cri4cism$every$4me$you$review$a$piece$of$work$from$a$team$member,$even$(and$especially!)$if$it’s$minor.$Your$programmers$will$soon$understand$that$you’re$paying$aBen4on,$and$the$nudge$will$help$them$level$up$their$game.

For$the$naysayers$who$think$that$their$team$should$just$“get$it”$without$even$this$simple$level$of$interven:on,$let$me$give$you$a$wake<up$call.

Yes,%we’ve%all%had%employees%who%walked%on%the%scene%somehow%knowing%exactly%what%needed%to%be%done%and%did%it%without%a%whisper%of%direc<on.%It%is%a%beau<ful%thing%to%behold.%

A"er%dealing%with%both%interns%and%seasoned%programmers%for%years,%I%can%tell%you%that%these%rock%stars%who%seem%to%automa;cally%“get%it”%had%someone%invest%in%them%and%train%them%in%the%basics%of%team%culture.%

Now$it’s$your$turn.$Here’s$how$to$use$that$power$wisely.

Be#a#Surgeon,#Not#a#Barbarian

In#every#manager’s#office#there#hangs#an#imaginary#sword.#

It’s%a%sword%of%decision%and%power%that%was%handed%to%you%with%the%posi4on,%making%it%possible%for%you%to%respond%to%your%team’s%needs%without%having%to%run%to%your%manager%every%4me%there’s%an%issue.

Most%new%managers%eye%it%nervously,%hoping%and%praying%that%they’ll%never%have%to%touch%it.%Others%are%more%passive:aggressive,%eyeing%it%in%front%of%team%members%and%saying,%“Don’t%make%me%reach%for%this.”

In#either#case,#the#sword#rarely#gets#used,#which#just#makes#the#manager#look#really#clumsy#every#8me#he#tries#to#pick#it#up.

Prac%ce'creates'ease'and'finesse

Watch&li)le&kids&playing&with&swords.&The&first&8me&they&have&one&in&their&hands,&they&either&make&feeble&jabs&or&they&run&around&screaming&and&hacking&the&air…&and&their&siblings.&&

New$managers,$unfortunately,$do$the$same.$Some$are$so$6mid$with$their$power$that$their$team$has$zero$confidence$in$their$skills$or$leadership$abili6es.$Others$use$it$only$when$they’re$boiling$over$with$frustra6on,$leaving$their$team$to$hit$the$decks$to$avoid$their$wrath.

When%managers%make%a%conscious%choice%to%prac2ce%using%this%power%on%a%consistent%basis%with%an%average%workflow,%they’re%reducing%their%learning%curve%and%increasing%their%effec2veness.%

With%a%li(le%prac-ce,%you%can%turn%your%sword%into%a%scalpel,%making%small,%pinpoint%cuts%that%leave%li(le%mess%and%quick%healing,%just%as%a%surgeon%does.

The$keys$to$this$approach$are$a$commitment$to$improving$a$bit$each$week$and$having$a$simple,$reliable$plan$to$follow.$A;er$years$of$trial$and$error$and$watching$some$truly$remarkable$managers,$here’s$the$playbook$I’ve$created.

Six$Steps$to$Naviga.ng$Difficult$Conversa.ons

Whether&your&first&difficult&conversa4on&is&in&the&future&or&you’ve&been&handling&them&badly&for&months,&have&the&courage&to&go&through&the&process&whenever&it&presents&itself.&I&guarantee&you,&in&most&cases,&the&outcome&won’t&be&as&bad&as&you&think&it&will&be.

Step%One:%No+ce%the%signals%that%say,%“Time%for%a%difficult%conversa+on!”

When%you’re%having%conflict%with%someone,%you%can%feel%the%frustra8on%all%over%in%your%body.%%Pay%a=en8on%to%the%pit%in%your%stomach,%clenched%fists,%or%tension%headache.%They’re%a%signal%that%it’s%8me%to%clear%the%air.

Some%mes,(the(signal(isn’t(a(feeling.(You(might(hear(yourself(say(things(like:

This%always%happens…He%never%gets%this%right…

Not%again…

Whatever(your(par-cular(trigger,(know(it(well(and(use(it(as(a(flag(to(take(ac-on(instead(of(bury(your(head(in(the(sand.

Step%Two:%Don’t%fume.%Commit%to%take%construc8ve%ac8on.

Avoiding(ac+on(will(only(create(resentment.(Choose(a(+me(in(the(immediate(future(where(you(can(discuss(the(problem(with(this(person(so(you(can(both(move(forward.

Step%Three:%Make%a%plan.

If#you’re#on#the#verge#of#losing#your#temper,#go#for#a#walk#or#take#some#deep#breaths.#This#is#not#a#<me#to#prepare#an#exact#script#or#build#a#bullet?point#litany#against#this#person,#it’s#just#<me#to#zero#in#on#the#core#of#the#problem#and#possible#solu<ons.

Let$off$a$li*le$steam,$talk$out$loud$to$yourself$(in$private!)$or$sketch$out$your$opening$line$(see$below),$but$don’t$burn$a$lot$of$@me$on$this$point.$Move$forward.

Step%Four:%Have%the%mee0ng%in%private—soon.

Yes,%this%is%uncomfortable%for%the%team%member,%but%talking%to%them%one%on%one%will%provide%a%calm%environment,%remove%the%possibility%of%distrac:ons,%and%keep%eavesdroppers%out%of%earshot.%

And$if$they$do$have$that$sinking$feeling$as$they$follow$you$to$your$office$for$a$private$conference,$that’s$okay.$It’s$an$honest,$nearly$unavoidable$reac=on.$This$is$a$ma@er$that$needs$a@en=on,$and$they$will$know$that$immediately.

Step%5:%Be%steady%and%on%point.

This%is%not%the%*me%to%pull%out%every%infrac*on%from%the%past%six%months%or%be%so%vague%about%the%problem%that%your%team%member%has%no%idea%what%problem%you’re%actually%discussing.%

Don’t&yell.&Don’t&repeat&yourself.&Don’t&bombard&them&with&informa7on&in&the&hopes&of&making&your&cri7cism&more&valid.

Ven$ng&your&anger&isn’t&produc$ve,&so&stay&focused&on&the&outcome&you&really&want&from&the&discussion.&Using&a&single&framing&sentence&usually&makes&things&crystal&clear.

I"like"to"use"the"word"“disappointed”"in"these"discussions."It’s"a"subtle"way"of"telling"this"person"that"I"do"hold"them"in"high"esteem,"and"this"incident"doesn’t"match"that"overall"impression.

Here’s&one&of&my&favorite&go1to&scripts&in&these&tense&situa6ons:

"John,'I'was'really'disappointed'when'X'happened.'I'want'to'understand'why'and'find'out'what'we'can'do'to'make'sure'it'

doesn’t'happen'again."

Step%6:%Shut%up.%Listen.%Then%listen%some%more.

Silence'can'be'a'very'powerful'tool'in'these'situa5ons.'While'it'can'be'excrucia5ng'to'let'empty'space'hang'out'there,'do'it.

Drink&some&coffee&or&count&to&10,&but&let&the&other&person&have&some&8me&to&collect&their&thoughts&or&get&past&an&emo8onal&moment.

When%your%team%member%does%respond,%resist%the%tempta3on%to%refute%what%they’re%saying%or%meet%their%defensiveness%(which%is%completely%understandable)%with%defensiveness%of%your%own.%Be%willing%to%take%the%blame%for%any%mistakes%on%your%part%and%circle%around%to%the%solu3on.

Always'focus'on'the'solu0on.

While&an)cipa)ng&these&difficult&conversa)ons&is&never&a&picnic,&each&)me&you&move&past&the&fear&and&choose&to&get&through&them,&you&develop&more&experience,&more&perspec)ve,&and&more&confidence.

Even%be'er,%you%are%able%to%improve%communica4on%within%your%team,%making%your%job%even%easier.

One$day,$you$may$even$find$a$team$member$knocking$on$your$door$saying,$

"Can%we%talk?%I%screwed%up%and%I%want%to%make%sure%it%doesn’t%happen%again."

Become&a&Be(er&Technical&Manager

I"get"paid"to"coach"newly"minted"technical"managers."My"clients"quickly"feel"drama:cally"more"confident"and"capable"and"start"seeing"be=er"performance"from"themselves"and"their"team"within"weeks.

I"am"taking"the"same"insigh-ul,"ac2onable"lessons"I"teach"in"my"coaching"and"pu8ng"them"out"as"a"free"newsle<er."Sign"up"to"become"a"be<er"manager"here.