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May, 2010

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Contents

Contributions: 1

Trepidation: 2

Artwork by Kelly Rose Pflung-Back: 3

Shining Night by Ashley Gayle: 4

Anxiety by Sinead St.John: 5

Stress Index: 6-7

Effects of Marijuana: 8

Safe Hitchhiking Tips by Sinead St. John and Justine Rogers (Photo by Breila von Holstein- Rathlo) 9

Effects of Alcohol 10

Condom Packets Collage by Breila von Holstein- Rathlo: 11-12

Tips on Dealing with Anxiety 13

Effects of Smoking 14

Recipes for less by Emma Balaban (Art by Kelly Rose Plung-Back) 15

Counselours by Carrie Holmes (Art by Alli [top]) 16

Reducing the Risk 17

Death & A Day in My Life... by Krystal Bible (“Death” photo by Jamie Rogers) 18

Untitled by Sinead St. John 19

Front cover by Breila von Holstein- Rathlo

Back cover by Alli

Contributions:

Carrie Holms, October Grimm, Sinead St. John, Breila Von Holstein-Rathlor, Crystal Palarca, Ashley Gayle, Beki Leuschner, Emma Balaban, Krystal Bible,

Kelly Rose Plung-Back and Emily Rutledge, Justine Rogers, Jamie Rogers, Alli

Condom Pockets

Dylan Kings Coat-Jones, October Grimm, Heather Hamilton-Wright, Ryan Price, Peal Van Geest, Breila von Holstein- Rathlo

Designed & Edited By:

Demetrix and Breila von Holstein- Rathlo

“I will go home tonight.”

I say this more as an a!rmation than a statement. I try and imag-ine me walking into my house and sitting down with my newly acquired roommates on our delightfully ferruginous couch; regaling them with some comical anecdote from the day.

As I walk up the driveway mechani-cally, engulfed in my fantasy I catch a glimpse of the lights beaming out through the kitchen windows. My heart catapults through my chest, seemingly cracking my sternum. I catch myself in a sense of panic. I clutch my self close to the stone retaining wall and try and slow my breath. Telling myself all the posi-tive things I can muster up in the whirling moment: I can do this, they are not judging me, and they are my equals, my comrades even.

I force myself o" the wall and trot up the pale wooden stairs listen-ing and counting the voices that I must face within the brick structure. I gasp inward as I propel the door open.

“Hi guys,” I sputter as I kick o" my Birks, “digging the weather?”

A low indiscernible utterance comes from the room as I quickly dart to my refuge. The creaking of my door makes my face #ush as I surely know they are listening. I take in the state of my room and try and convince myself that I am safe as a #op onto my yellow comforter; but there is no com-fort. All I can think of is my social ineptitude. Why did I bring up the weather? I’m a well read person I tell myself. Why did I fumble with the markedly pedestrian weather?

A tumultuous roar of laughter comes from the dining area. I turn o" all the fans and heaters in my room to take in what they’re saying about me. I turn the lights o" and pretend I’m sleeping but before long I $nd myself before the bedroom door.

I thought I heard my name. I need to know why. I push the hair away from my ear and place it lightly against the lacquered

surface of the door. I’m fucking marked. They know I’m di"erent

than them and they can taste in my stuttered words. I didn’t even wait to hear their response to my lame question. Is it my dart-

ing eyes, which refuse to return their gaze? Fuck! I lean against the door and slide down onto the #oor as I begin to tingle in my

extremities. I desperately grab at the nearest cushion to smother my hyperventilating breath. I feel as I am going to die at any mo-

ment but I don’t call out for help. I accept my fate.

Out of my peripheral I can see the green LED lights change position

on the clock and soon the panic subsides. I am faint of heart and

damp with sweat as I stand back up. I wipe my face and walk to the

kitchen where I $nd my roommates huddled around a steaming freshly

baked cake. I inhale deeply taking in the aroma of the kitchen and the

people in it, the welcoming color of yellow on the walls bathing the

room in warmth. I am present. I am here. I will not brush people aside

out of fear.

“Yay! Beki’s here! You have to try this new recipe I got. It’s vegan mocha crumble cake,” she pronounces as

she thrusts a piece of cake in my direction.

It’s curious how social anxiety can make you misconstrue the most amiable or most unimportant of

messages for judgement and even cruelty, not realizing this usually

only comes from within and is self-perpetuating. Well, for now it’s over.

The jailhouse constructed by my own neurosis has been demolished, unleashing the $ends that plant

these negative thoughts; I can $nally think clearly. I couldn’t stop the panic this time, but every time it happens I get a little better at controlling it, at breathing, and staying positive. With time and dedication I’m sure it won’t happen every

week, maybe it won’t happen at all.

(Beki Leuschner)

Trepidation

I want you.

I want you to crawl in-side of me and open me up.

Crawl deep inside of my iron fortress,

and soften the edges of these stone cold walls.

Bring with you a sheild;

one strong enough to withstand my most fear-driven weakness-es.

Bring with you a #ame;

one hot enough that it will heat me in my en-tirety, and make me for-get the darkness that $lled me before.

Bring with you a sword;

one sharp enough to cut through the tangled vines that imprison my purity of heart.

Bring with you a horse; one fast and wild enough to carry me away.

Do not trample on my inhibitions.

Be patient with my hands,

which long to touch,

but have been bound for a time too long.

Get under my skin and rip away from me the layers of me that have always belonged to you.

Own me, but free me.

Chain me, but release me.

Feel me.

Want me.

Breathe in the air that I exhale,

and then give me fresh-ened breaths.

Place me on your throne,

if only for a minute.

Taste me.

Consume me,

and leave me only what I need.

‘Shining Night’By: Ashley Gayle

Anxiety

Anxiety evokes many feelings; excessive or ongoing tension and worry, restless-ness, irritability, irrational and unrealistic views on problems, di!culty concen-trating, trembling, trouble falling or staying asleep, nausea, and sweating. In other words, it sucks the life out of you, and leaves you a trembling shell. When anxious, you are no longer you: you are a mess. A nervous, sickly, scared-shitless, shaky little being who feels absolutely helpless, worthless, and unable to deal with anything. No cause, unless of course you want to blame genetics (isn’t it nice to just blame everything on genetics), environment, or, of course, brain chem-istry. But just pop some pills, you’ll feel

better...though it may take a long time to even $nd the correct medication, and then, the correct dosage. These pills, in case you’re wondering, are supposed to help, and may very well do that...to a degree. But there’s no cure, and no long-term relief. Symptoms can and will recur. And there are side e"ects to this medica-tion, some of which include sleepiness, weight gain, and a dependency on the drug. Not that I’m trying to deter you from taking them - go ahead if you think it’ll make you feel better.

But do not expect a total recovery, because that won’t happen. It most cer-tainly is not a quick $x, or a $x at all.

Sinéad Melancholy

In fact, nothing will ever help you. You will never feel better. You will always $lled up with horrible feelings. You’ll always be shaky, and scared, and lonely...starting to feel anxious? Okay. Now. Breathe deep. No, not like that. From the belly, all the way up to the chest.

Got it yet? Still need a few minutes? Okay, take your time.

Now, what were you thinking about? Those damn negative thoughts? ‘Kay, now think again about those things that make you feel so awful. What are they?

School? Work? Family? Friends? Your own self, and all its #aws?

Now, while you breathe, think again about them...not as bad as you thought at $rst, right? HA! See? Told you. Breath-ing can do some amazing shit. So, there’s a coping strategy. Something other than meds that can make your anxiety shut down. And that, by the way, is a quick $x.

You need to look at things from a real-istic point of view, and realize that, at that particular time of feeling anxious, you aren’t rational. You’re blowing it out of proportion. Breathe deep, think it through, and feel better? Okay? Promise?

Safe Hitchhiking Tips for Long and Short TripsKeep pack on you at all times

If you bring drugs or alcohol, keep them concealed if you’re in the car or on the side of the road

Keep hidden if sleeping out-side

Be prepared – bring a com-pass, First Aid kit, blanket, map of the area, etc.

Be ready to walk a LOT

Bring wool socks, and com-fortable walking shoes

Wear polyester, as it keeps you warmer than cotton, es-pecially at night or in the rain

Keep food and drink, and replenish your supplies when-ever you can

Dress in layers, with the heavi-er layer on top to shield you

Find a place where you can be seen easily

Wear bright clothing so that drivers can see you easily

Stay happy, regardless of the driver’s mood

Ask to be dropped in a good spot, where it will be easy to get another ride

Try to agree where to be dropped o" so that you don’t wind up in a bad place

If possible, try to sit in the back; don’t sit in front of someone you don’t know, because things happen and it could be dangerous

Try to keep valuables on you rather than in your pack

If you sit in the back, be sure that the child lock is o" so that you can get out easily

Be wary of the laws; it’s illegal to walk in some areas, such as on highways or particular roads

On-ramp is your best bet for getting picked up

Now stick out your thumb, and go

Take a good look at the driver and ask where they are going

Regardless of how desperate you are to be picked up, al-ways listen to your gut feeling

Look for signs of drinking or drugs in the car

All hitchhikers (especially fe-males) should travel in pairs

Do not get into a car with more than one guy, as it can prove to be quite dangerous

Keep the mood wholesome; try to ask about their fam-ily, and mention your own (whether imaginary or not)

If possible, take a picture of the license plate or send it in a message to a friend so that someone will know the last car that you’ve been in—Lor se consed mod et

Call friends or family and tell them exactly where you are when you make pit-stops

Bring garbage bags to clean up after yourself, as well as to use for rain protection

Be as friendly and as normal as possible; put your Mohawk down, cover ripped clothing – dress down

Bring water canteens and $ll them as much as you can – stay hydrated

Keep a hat and sunscreen to protect you from the sun

Bring a weapon that you’re comfortable, but keep it hid-den yet easy to access

Do NOT threaten driver unless threatened $rst

Be polite and courteous

Recipe:

Famous Reb Chili Con Carne

Origin: My grandma has been making this for me, since I can remember. It’s always been a fam-ily favourite. It’s one of my ALL time favourites. It’s a sweet chili, and it’s super easy and FANTASTIC on spaghetti ( if you want to make it a more wholesome meal, we always ask for it now, ever since a combina-tion left-over share. I really, HIGHLY recommend it on spaghetti. ) One of the best recipes, EVER.

Ingredients.

1c Chopped onion

2 tbsp Butter ( or vegetable oil if you don’t have it. )

1 1/2 lbs ground beef ( I’ve literally busted up hamburgers, it’s no di"er-ent, just make it really small bits. )

1 tbsp Chili Powder

1 tsp Salt, ( or to taste, I’m a salt fan, personally. )

1/4 tsp Pepper ( I love my Grandma, she always measures out everything perfectly. For this, you can do it to your own tastes. )

1/2 Oregano ( or italian seasoning, whatever you’ve got. Just a quick shot! ( lol. )

2 10 oz can tomato soup ( So, 2 of them regular sized ones. )

2 14oz can kidney beans ( of it you have one that’s chickpeas, or what-ever. Just 2 kinds of beans. )

Directions.

Sautee onions in butter/oil until transparent. Add beef and cook until brown. Add remaining ingredients. Cover and simmer until thickened - about 20 minutes. Stir often, you don’t want it to burn.

(Recipes by Emma Balaban)

Recipe:

Barrie Dinner

Start with

1 package Kraft Dinner

Prepared to the directions, ( *or how-ever we have all improvised it

Then add

1 can cream of something soup, 1/2 cup Milk ( *or if you only have some random sourcream just thin it out with a bit of water ;) )

Along with

1 cup chopped Ham ( or cooked chicken, a can of tuna (drained), *1 cup of chopped MEAT. )

And toss in

Some chopped onion, maybe a can of peas or any other cooked veggies you like! ( * I usually buy that really cheap frozen veg mix, and add about 1 cup worth, it gives it a pretty good variety!!)

Mix it all up, AND BAKE!

after mixing all the contents, give it a try, maybe add a pinch of salt. Throw it all in a lasagna pan, or something that will survive in an oven. Cook at 350 Degrees F for about 25-30mins or just until the top starts to get a tiny bit crunchy. You don’t want it to be runny at all when you go to serve it. It’s SOOOO GOOD. Still one of my all TIME FAVOURITES!

A Taste OfPoverty

Origin: This recipe came from my mom when she was in Art College in Barrie, living o! whatever any roommates would bring home. Sometimes all there was, was some knock-o! mac and cheese and a random can of tuna. No matter though, it was hot and it hit the spot! Dates back about 30 years now.

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal develop-­ment, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-­to-­one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-­both written and spoken-­is usually directed toward communicat-­ing with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another’s emotions or intentions -­ good or evil -­ even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others’ feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor’s remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mis Carrie Holmes

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-­win/JTypes2.asp

Death Going crazy

Trying to be sane Don't know how to deal with this unbearable pain

Machetes through my heart It's just a great big game

Love equals loss I'd rather hate everyone and them do the same

So many enemies So little friends

But that is my life And I'll live it 'till the end Cause I, know I'll die soon

It's in my blood I'll die in a fire Or in a flood

Either way it will end in death With a gun shot to the head

Or an OD on meth.

A day in my life...

All alone Yet surrounded by the human race

Walking together Yet going at a different pace

Long conversations Yet not saying a word

Visions perfect Yet everything's blurred

Sky is clear Yet pouring down rain

Tons of joy Yet full of pain Silent screams

Yet I hear them loud All alone

Yet in a crowd

Krystal Bible

Krystal Bible

Zombie Uncle Sam: http://colorado.indymedia.org/node/2193

Zombie Uncle Sam Says:

New Mentality Guelph

newmentalityguelph@gmail.com