north shore children & families, april 2011

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Children Families

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&The online and print forum promoting the development of children, families and the parents who care for them.

APRIL 2011

Why Tiger Mom MattersAsian Students OutperformAmerican Students

Why Asian Nations Do Better

Cultivating Learning& Achievement

What Can We Learnfrom Tiger Mom?

Community CalendarMORE Summer Camps

& Programs Inside!MORE Contests to

Enter & Win!

Cover Photo by Spector Photography: www.spectorphotography.com

4th Annual Summer Camps &

Programs Showcase in this issue!

Family & Friends2 North Shore Children & Families

by Suzanne Provencher, Publisher

After a long, cold winter – dare I sayit? “Hello, spring! It’s so great to seeyou again!”

It’s time to play outside, take a walk,breathe in some fresh air, take in alittle warm sunshine and celebrate theseason. As the vibrancy of colorreturns to our landscape – so, too, dowarm feelings of change and rebirthand hope. So put away the mittens,the remote and the joystick – and goplay outside!

Congratulations to our Februarycontest winners! The followingreaders have each won a pair oftickets to see Boston Ballet’s A

Midsummer Night’s Dream – courtesyof North Shore Children &Families: Lori Cunningham-Teheen,Merrimac; Janice Douglas, Everett;Melanie McCullough, Lynn; Krista Tully,Stoneham. Check back next month tosee who won our March issuecontests – for tickets to see Big AppleCircus in Boston – or a $100 giftcertificate for Gibraltar Pools & Spasin Topsfield! And in this issue – youcan win a $100 gift certificate toGibraltar Pools & Spas (which can beused towards a pool or spa, on poolsupplies or in their retail store, whichhas lots of fun pool toys and more ondisplay!) – or a $100 gift certificatetowards a children’s summer programat Boston Ballet School’s Marbleheadstudio! See how to enter each

Hello Spring! MORE Nice Days – MORE Contest Winners – MORECamps – MORE Contests to Enter – MORE Local Moms! We’ve Got MORE!

Continued on page 16

contest on page 19. And be sure youcheck back with us each month formore great contests and prizes inNorth Shore Children & Families!

We also have more summer camps &programs for you to consider in thesecond installment of our 4th

Annual Summer Camps &Programs Showcase series, whichbegins on page 12. Our Showcasesare the largest in print on the NorthShore and you’ll find lots of greatideas and options for your childrenthis summer. Early enrollments areencouraged while there is still spaceavailable in these summer camps andprograms, many of which offer earlyenrollment incentives! And make sure

you check back with us in May andJune for the final two installments ofour 2011 Showcase series. If youwould like to advertise in ourMay issue, with a display ad or acamp showcase ad, pleasecontact me by Friday, April 15:[email protected].

Did you notice the gorgeous photoon our front cover? We are proud topartner with Spector Photography, theinternational award-winning studiolocated in Beverly Farms! I encourageyou to visit photographer JacquieSpector’s website atwww.spectorphotography.com to seeall of her amazing work – and shespecializes in maternity, newborn, childand family photography. I hope you’ll

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Letter from the EditorNorth Shore Children & Families 3

Why Tiger Mom Matters

Continued on page 4

by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD

Tiger Mom has hit a nerve.

Amy Chua is “Tiger Mom”. Chua has written a well-discussed book, Memoirsof a Tiger Mother. In that book, which is part humor and part description ofher approach to parenting, Chua argues for the effectiveness of parentingstyles that are typical of traditional Chinese mothers. Traditional Chineseparents are much more strict and demanding of their children than the vastmajority of Western parents. As a result, Chua’s book has proven to be quitecontroversial. However, before we dismiss what Chua has to say, it isimportant to understand why traditional Chinese parents act as they do. It isvery likely that we can learn something important from Chua’s book – butonly if we understand the beliefs and values of traditional Chinese parenting.

In the first pages of Chua’s book, we become immediately aware that we are infor something different:

“A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypicallysuccessful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many mathwhizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether theycould do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are somethings my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

North Shore Children & Families

A publication of North Shore Ink, LLC© 2011. All rights reserved.

Reproduction in full or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited.

Suzanne M. ProvencherPublisher/Co-Founder/Managing Partner

[email protected]

Michael F. Mascolo, PhD Editor/Co-Founder/Partner

[email protected]

Designed by Group One GraphicsPrinted by Seacoast Media Group

Please see our Calendar in this issue for our upcoming deadlines.

Published and distributed monthly throughout the North Shore, 10x per year, and always online.

All articles are written by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD unless otherwise credited.

Information contained in NSC&F is provided for educational and entertainment purposes only.

Individual readers are responsible for their use of any information provided. NSC&F is not liable or responsible for the effects of use of information contained in NSC&F.

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Where to Find UsNorth Shore Children & Families is available

at over 400 locations throughout the North Shore!

Our free, monthly parenting publication is available at North Shorelibraries, schools, pediatric doctor & dentist offices, hospitals, pre-schools,

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You can find us from route 93 in Woburn – north to the Andovers & NH border –east to Newburyport & Salisbury – south to Gloucester & Cape Ann –

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• attend a sleepover• have a playdate• be in a school play• complain about not being in a school play• watch TV or play computer games• choose their own extracurricular activities• get any grade less than an A• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama• play any instrument other than the piano or violin• not play the piano or violin.”

Chua clearly admits that there is variation in the parenting patterns of Chinesemothers, but there’s less variation among Chinese mothers than Westernmothers. And she is also clear that, from her view, one doesn’t have to beChinese to be a Tiger Mother. There are mothers and fathers across the globewho espouse similar values and restrictions as she does. Her point, however,is that compared to Western styles of parenting, Chinese parents as a groupare far more strict with their children.

“…even when Western parents think they’re being strict, they usually don’tcome close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends whoconsider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is theeasy part. It’s hours two and three that get tough.”

The media has been all over this book. The problem is that for the most part,

the media has reduced Chua’s message to a series of soundbites that obscureserious discussion of Chua’s message:

“Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of musicpractice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?” (The Wall Street Journal)

“Tiger Moms: Is Tough Parenting Really the Answer?” (Time Magazine)

“A new memoir of bad-ass parenting, Chinese style, from a self-proclaimed tiger mother has unleashed a ferocious roar.” (The Washington Times)

One only has to read these brief introductory remarks to know that theauthors are not quite prepared for serious discussion about Chua’s ideas. Theimplication here is that Chinese parents are too strict, too authoritarian,unloving or even abusive. But such judgments are ill informed. One cannotunderstand why Chinese mothers parent the way that they do unless weunderstand much more about traditional Chinese cultures and the dramaticways in which it differs from our assumptions about the nature of children,parenting and development.

We can learn a lot from Chua’s book. But before we can learn from Chua, wehave to understand what she is saying. Right now, there are many who are notreally open to hearing Chua’s point of view. Perhaps this is because of a fearof the inexorable economic clout that China will be wielding in years to come?More likely, however, it is a product of deep seated cultural differences inconceptions of parenting, child rearing and the very nature of human selves.

It is not enough to simply say that Chinese parents are strict (or worse –authoritarian), whereas American parents tend to be less strict and more

4 North Shore Children & Families

Letter from the EditorContinued from page 3

permissive. To understand what Chua is trying to tell us, we have to lookmore deeply into Chinese culture (and into our own as well). TraditionalChinese approaches to parenting have their roots in cultural traditions that areover 2000 years old. These cultural traditions are dramatically different from thosethat are typical in most Western countries, such as the United States.

We are devoting this issue to an honest and open exploration of Chinese andother Asian approaches to raising children. Our goals here are to understandChinese (and other Asian) parenting practices and to entertain what, ifanything, we can learn from the Chinese. Addressing such questions is a verysensitive and difficult task. One always runs the risk of oversimplifying thepractices of other cultures. (This is almost inevitable.)

Further, a natural response to encountering a new and different culture issurprise and disbelief – culture shock! We inevitably ask, how can peoplebelieve and act in ways that are so different from us? One common responseto encountering other cultures is to reject them: “I would never treat mychildren like that! If they are so different from us, they must be doingsomething wrong!” Another reaction is a kind of self-abnegation. There isoften a tendency to be overly critical of one’s own culture and to romanticizethe new and exotic culture. “Over there, they do things differently, and theydon’t have the same problems we do. I think I need to move to China.”

In what follows, we will attempt to avoid both of these extremes. Whiledifferent cultures can learn from each other, it is virtually never possible toimport practices from one culture to solve the problems of another culture.In the end, Americans must find American solutions to their cultural problems;the Chinese must find Chinese solutions to their (very different) culturalproblems; the Japanese will surely find still different solutions to their (yetdifferent) cultural problems, and so forth. But we can learn from each other.Let’s explore how.

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Continued on page 6

The results are in – and they aren’t pretty.

American students do not score among thehighest achieving nations in measures ofeducational achievement. Most often, as anation, the United States struggles to riseto the top 20 of the most achievingnations. As indicated in the figure to theright, Asian nations are at or near the topof lists that rank nations in the level ofacademic achievement attained by students.In assessments of reading, mathematics andscience among 15 year-old students, China(Shanghai) ranks at the very top of the listof the 65 nations studied by the Programfor International Assessment (PISA). TheUnited States ranked 17th in reading, 30th

in mathematics and 23rd in science

Parenting

achievement. These results put the UnitedStates in the average range in each of thesethree areas.

It’s not only Chinese students who areoutperforming the United States and otherWestern nations. Asian nations occupy atleast five of the top ten rankings in reading,mathematics and science. This is the caseeven though only 7 of the 65 nationsassessed were from the Asian area. As agroup, the average ranking for all of theAsian nations was 10 for reading, 5 formathematics and 7 for science. Incomparison, the average ranking of theseven highest ranked Western nations was10 for reading, 11 for mathematics and 11for science.

Students from Asian Nations Outperform AmericanStudents in Academic Areas

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Continued on next page


Students from Asian Nations OutperformContinued from page 5

Parenting

Why Asian Children Do Better I: It’s About Effortful Achievement – Not AbilityHow would you complete the following story?

Little Bear watches her Mommy and Daddy catch fish. She really wants tolearn how to catch fish by herself. She tries for a while, but she cannot catch any fish. Then she says to herself, “Forget it! I don’t want to catch fish anymore!” (Li, 2005)

After having been given the opportunity to complete this story, a 5 year-oldgirl was asked, “Do you like Little Bear?” Here’s how she answered:

Interviewer: Do you like Little Bear?

Child: No.

Interviewer: Why not?

Child: She does something and stops halfway; she’s got threehearts and two minds [that she doesn’t concentrate].

Interviewer: What’s wrong with having three hearts and two minds?

Child: You do this thing for a while, then you switch to anotherthing for a while. You don’t even pay attention. You can’tlearn good, and that’s not good.

We have long known that Asian nations typically outperform most Westernnations in mathematics and science. The results for reading are instructive. Ofthe three areas assessed, American students ranked comparatively higher inreading than in science and mathematics. But here, the U.S. still only ranked17th. With the exception of Taipei and Macao, Asian nations proved to be thebest readers in the world.

The reading test assessed three basic areas: The capacity to (a) access andretrieve information, (b) integrate and interpret, and (c) reflect upon and evaluateinformation. Happily, the United States ranked 10th (above average for allnations) in their capacity to reflect upon and evaluate information. However,Americans ranked 25th and 22nd respectively on the access/retrieval andintegrate/interpret subscales. This means that American students are notexcelling in basic reading comprehension skills. According to these results,American students tend to have difficulty putting together and understanding theinformation they read.

While Chinese (and other Asian) students tend to outperform Americanstudents in math, science and reading, American students appear to have anedge when it comes to tasks that involve creativity and innovative thinking.This is consistent with our understanding of differences in Asian versusAmerican culture. This topic will be further examined later in this issue.

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Does this interview sound a bit odd? If it does, there are probably tworeasons. First, of course, American 5 year-olds don’t often go around speakingof having “three hearts and two minds”. Yes, the child described is a youngChinese girl. Second, and perhaps more importantly, we don’t often hear ouryoung children express the idea that it is necessary to put forth effort in orderto learn.

According to psychologist Jin Li of Brown University, Chinese children asyoung as four years of age and below have already developed a sense thatlearning requires effort, concentration and hard work. From a very early age,Chinese children are taught to see learning as a life-long process involving effort,persistence and hard work. As a result, Chinese children tend to completestories like the one described above by focusing on diligence (for example,“Little Bear must be more diligent!”); persistence (for example, “No matterwhat you do, you’ve got to finish it.”); and concentration (for example, “LittleBear can never catch fish if she stays with three hearts and two minds.”).

American children don’t tend to see learning in this way. Instead, they tend tosee learning in terms of their ability to complete individual tasks (for example,their ability to get a grade on a particular test). American students tend tothink of their intelligence and their abilities as fixed or unchangeable – aperson is born with only so much intelligence or ability, and it cannot bemodified. As a result, doing well on a task means that I have a lot of ability.My self-esteem is enhanced and I feel good about myself. On the other hand,doing poorly means that I don’t have a lot of ability. As a result, my self-esteem is diminished; I feel bad about myself.

Chinese (and other Asian) students do not tend to think this way. Ratherthan believing that they have a fixed amount of ability or intelligence, theytend to believe that ability and intelligence develop through hard work andsustained effort. From this view, I have to work hard and concentrate overtime if I am to learn. If I do well on a task, that’s fine. But that’s only onestep in a long process of learning. I’ve done well on this step, but I’m notdone learning. It’s time to focus on what comes next.

Similarly, if I do poorly at a given task, it is not because I have low ability;instead, this simply means that I have not put forth enough time, effort,practice and diligence for effective learning. It’s time to redouble my efforts.

These sentiments begin to develop early in Chinese (and other Asian)children. And they are not restricted to youngsters. Here is the way in whichimmigrant and non-immigrant Chinese-American high school students talkedabout the relationship between intelligence, effort and achievement:

‘‘When I live in China, I just live at the school, and they close the light atten every night. So we cannot study just with a little light.’’

“It doesn’t matter how smart you are. If you work hard, you’re gonnaturn smart.”

“…if you’re smart and you’re lazy, you’re still going to fail. I mean, itwon’t affect anything if you’re smart.”

“It doesn’t matter if you are smart or not. You work hard, you succeed.”

The Chinese orientation toward effortful learning is reflected in study habits.Chinese (and other Asian) students spend many more hours studying andlearning than their American counterparts do. In contrast, American studentsspend more time working, socializing with friends and dating. Americanstudents also spend more time than Chinese (and many other Asian) studentsin extra-curricular activities such as sports and clubs.


Why Asian Children Do Better II: It’s About Cultivating a Virtuous SelfHow do Chinese and other Asian parents cultivate an ethic of hard work andachievement in their children? This is a difficult question for two reasons.First, understanding traditional Chinese parenting requires that we have asense of traditional Chinese culture. Because it is so dramatically differentfrom the United States, traditional Chinese culture is often hard tounderstand. Second, because Chinese practices are so different, they oftenclash with American sensibilities. Clashing cultural values can often make itdifficult to gain an appreciation for how different cultures operate.

Self-Cultivation & Life-Long Self-Perfection

Moral self-cultivation is key to traditional Chinese socialization. To cultivate aself is to engage in a life-long process of becoming a virtuous person as seenthrough the eyes of one’s parents, family and social groups. Children areexpected to develop the virtues of filial piety; love of learning; achievementthrough effort and hard work; kindness and benevolence; propriety; righteousness;and eventually, wisdom. The key to the process of self-cultivation is learning.Learning is both a virtue itself and the process by which virtues are cultivatedover time. Cultivating a virtuous self is something that occurs over thecourse of a lifetime. It requires effort, persistence and hard work. Self-cultivation does not come naturally. Parents and other authority figures play a key role in the process. To understand how, it is first important tounderstand the deeply engrained beliefs and values held by traditional Chineseparents.

Traditional Chinese Values

Traditional Chinese parenting is influenced by values and beliefs that are verydifferent from those found in the West. Traditional Chinese values include thevalues of filial piety, social honor and social harmony. Filial piety involves deeprespect and obedience to parents, ancestors and other figures of authority(e.g., the emperor). In traditional Chinese families, the father is the patriarch.Children are taught to obey and honor their parents, who in turn, take careof and even devote their lives to their children.

Another important value is harmony. Unlike in the United States, where theindividual is valued above all else, a central value in traditional Chinese cultureis social harmony. This means members of any group (family, workplace,nation) work to achieve smooth interactions among people. As a result,everyone learns his or her social role in the complex hierarchy of Chineserelationships. Individuals are careful not to act in ways that will cause othersto lose face (feelings of disrespect or being insulted). Individuals are expectedto be modest, to control their behavior and emotions, and to avoid callingattention to the self. When someone succeeds at a task, one focuses on therole of other people (one’s parents, teachers, boss, co-workers) in making thesuccess possible.

Social honor is also an important value. Moral action is motivated by the dutyto bring honor to one’s family, parents and social group. If a child fails tobring honor to the family or group, the group experiences a shared sense ofshame. It is not simply the child who feels shame; the entire groupexperiences a sense of shared shame and dishonor.

Parenting



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How Traditional ChineseParents CultivateLearning & AchievementTraditional Chinese parenting styles can seem strict – even harsh – whenviewed from Western eyes. The goal of the traditional Chinese parent is topromote life-long moral cultivation in children. Learning and achievementare seen as moral virtues rather than as merely practical goals. The vignetteprovided below provides a sense of Chinese styles of parenting when itcomes to schoolwork.

Ten year-old Ho comes home from school. Immediately, she takes out herhomework and starts working. Mother comes to help. They spend severalhours doing homework together. Ho is having difficulty with a math problem.She begins to look away and get frustrated. Ho’s mother says, “Havecourage. Nothing comes from giving up. There will be no tears here. If youare going to learn this, you will have to study harder.” Ho tries to solve theproblem, but gets it wrong. Mother says, “No, that’s not right. Do it thisway.” Ho fixes her error. Mother says, “Good. But I see that you don’t knowhow to do square roots. If you take your math test and get the square rootswrong, I will be embarrassed in front of your teacher.” (Mother and Ho workon square roots, which was not part of the assignment.) Later on, in ameeting with Ho’s teacher, Mother asks the teacher for additional homeworkto help Ho learn square roots. Mother says to Ho, “Don’t forget to thankyour teacher for finding you extra work and teaching you how to do square roots.”

This simple example illustrates some of the basic differences between typicalstyles of Chinese and American parenting. Chinese parents place very highvalue on learning and achievement. As a result, they structure theirchildren’s study time, tutor their children, find tutors for their children andexpect high levels of performance. In addition, they require that childrenregulate their emotions throughout the process of academic activity.Students are expected to sustain their attention throughout their work. If


Traditional Chinese ParentsContinued from page 9

they do not, parents will call the child’s attention to their failing and instructthe child, often in great depth, on the need to cultivate specific virtuousbehavior (e.g. “Have courage…”).

Praise & Shame

Chinese parents will spend hours supervising and assisting children with theirwork. As they do, they often take a more directive “teacher-centered”approach to instructing children. They show children how to perform tasksand do not hesitate to point out errors and correct them. Parents will oftenuse modest praise when children are successful, but then quickly directchildren’s attention back to the process of growth.

The threat of shame is always in the background in interactions betweenChinese children and their parents (or teachers). Failure to learn and achievebrings dishonor to the child, the family and to the teacher as well. Parentssocialize shame explicitly, “If you get it wrong, I will be embarrassed”. It isimportant to understand that Chinese shame is always shared; it is “groupshame” rather than “individual shame”. The shame is shared by the parent,child and teacher. This differs from shame in Western nations, where it is theindividual child alone who feels shame or humiliation.

Cultivating a Love of Learning

To many Chinese, learning is a virtue. One of the virtues that Chineseparents seek to cultivate in their children can be loosely translated as the

“heart and mind for wanting to learn.” As children grow, they develop a loveof learning and a sense for knowing how to learn effectively. How does thishappen? In many ways, Chinese parents promote the “heart and mind forwanting to learn” in their children in ways that are almost the opposite ofthe ways that American parents attempt to foster a “love of learning” in theirchildren.

American parents often assume that if children are forced to performlearning activities (say, reading or playing the piano), they will come to dislikethose activities. As a result, American parents and teachers will often refrainfrom forcing children to engage in activities that a child may not enjoy.American parents often want children to want to perform such activities forthemselves. Thus, to foster a love of reading, it is important to give childrencontrol over what and how much they read. Children will learn to hatereading, for example, if they are forced to do it against their will.

Traditional Chinese parents view the issue very differently. The task ofcultivating skills and virtues is not a natural one. It takes time, effort anddiscipline. The joy that one takes performing skilled activities comes after adegree of mastery has been achieved. From this view, a parent who allowsher child to give up the flute when the going gets tough is actually robbingthe child of the real joys that come when the child gains a degree of masteryover the skill. In this way, the love of learning does not spring forth fromwithin the child; instead, it is cultivated through the effortful and disciplinedpractice of learning itself.

To learn more about how traditional Chinese parenting differs from American stylesof parenting, please see page 19.

Parenting

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Parenting

by Michael F. Mascolo, PhD

If you have made it this far and arestill reading, you are likely to havesome strong reactions. Some readersmay have been nodding their heads asthey read about Chinese parentingpractices; others may have beenoffended, feeling that such styles puttoo much pressure on children. Stillothers are likely to respond withambivalent feelings – some aspects ofChinese parenting may seem worthyof consideration, others much less so.

Count me as an ambivalentsympathizer with Chinese parentingstyles. The main source of myambivalence is that, as an American, Ibelieve that it is desirable to nurture achild’s sense of choice. I believe thatsocialization is largely a process of

arming children with the skills thatthey will need to make sense out ofthe world of adulthood and to makegood decisions about how to operatewithin and contribute to society. Iworry about the intense stresses thatChinese children often experience asthey prepare for nationalexaminations that will largelydetermine the course of their lives.There is evidence that many Chinesechildren experience high levels ofunhealthy stress.

Having said this, however, I believethat Americans can learn a great dealfrom Chinese and other Asiancultures. As we consider howChinese parenting styles differ fromour own, Tiger Mom offers us theopportunity to reflect upon and re-consider our own cultural values. We

can ask ourselves: What is working forus? What is not working? What canChinese approaches to parenting offerus? Where do they come up short?

I suggest five basic lessons that we canlearn from the example of Chineseparenting styles, and several practicesto avoid.

Lessons We Can Learn

Our children are capable ofmuch more than we currentlyask of them.

The comparative academic success ofChinese students suggests thatchildren are capable of higher levels of achievement than we mightordinarily think.

When I talk about culture in my

college classes, I often ask my studentsa provocative question: “How oldshould a child be before you wouldgive her a machete to cut a piece offruit?” Students often start by sayingthat they would wait until a child is ateenager. Others say that they wouldnever give a child such a dangeroustool to cut a piece of fruit. When Ipress my students, I can get a minorityto entertain that it might be possiblethat a precocious 8 year-old couldhandle the machete. And some braveand daring students will even considerthat children under 5 years of age, insome unnamed culture far, far away,might be able to do it. But probablynot.

I then show them a picture of aninfant – not yet 1 year-old – cutting a

What Can We Learn from Tiger Mom?



SONGS CHANTS MOVEMENT DANCE INSTRUMENTS PLAY

Summer Camps & Programs Showcase SeriesPart 2 of 4


Series continues in our May & Summer issues.






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Family & FriendsContinued from page 2

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And finally, we would like tocongratulate Cape Ann WaldorfSchool – and wish them the very bestas they move to their new home atMoraine Farm in North Beverly laterthis month. Good luck to all students,teachers and staff – we truly hope youenjoy your new campus!

Until next month –Suzanne

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What Can We Learn?Continued from page 11


piece of fruit with a machete as hismother watches him. The picture isof a boy in the Zaire forest (and isavailable for viewing on our website –www.northshorefamilies.com/machete).Most people are understandablyshocked to consider such a thing.Such activities are apparently commonin this area, where children participatewith parents in everyday activities offinding and preparing food.

The point here is not that we shouldgive machetes to our babies; instead, itis to show that our children arecapable of more than we might think.In the United States, I suggest that wedo not always challenge our children tothe level that they are capable. To dootherwise would require us to re-thinkwhy we do things the way that we do.

Self-esteem must be earned –not given.

There is some evidence to suggestthat the United States is currently in aperiod of transition when it comes to

the issue of self-esteem. For the pastfour or five decades, many educators,professionals and parents haveendorsed the belief that self-esteem isa necessary prerequisite for success.This has spawned what I like to call“The Barney Effect” – everyone isspecial. A child does not have to doanything in particular to be special; he or she is special just because he orshe is. This line of thinking leads us tolavish praise on children after virtuallyevery success. Many are afraid ofcorrecting children’s errors out of fear that we might damage their self-esteem.

We see this line of thinking all over.The theme song for Arthur (theAardvark) contains the key message:“Believe in yourself, cuz that’s theplace to start!” There is somethingdeeply wrong with the idea that onemust have self-esteem before one canreach success. The key word here isbefore. Let’s pretend that there is anaardvark who has never tried orsucceeded at anything. He is about totry to succeed at his first activity –let’s say, riding a bike. Now, how

should we start? Do we start bybelieving in ourselves? No – thatwould be impossible! This is because,without any history of (guided)success, our aardvark friend hasnothing to believe in! We are askinghim to believe in something that hasnot yet developed.

Self-esteem is not a pre-requisite forsuccess; (guided) success is aprerequisite for self-esteem! Self-esteem is an earned something; itcannot simply be bestowed. Parentsand educators can help nurture self-esteem by holding children to highexpectations and standards, and thenproviding them with high levels ofsupport to help them reach thosestandards. A child can only “believe inherself” if she has a self to believe in.Nurture success, and self-esteem will follow.

Effort and hard work are virtuesto be cultivated.

We sometimes hear people say, “Idon’t care what kind of grade that you

get – as long as you work hard and doyour best. That’s all that matters.”But what do we mean by this? Dowe really mean that we would behappy if a child were working veryhard but not making progress?Happily, we don’t have to worry aboutthis state of affairs. The simple fact isthat hard work and effort bringsresults in progress. It’s very hard notto make progress if one perseveres.This doesn’t mean, of course, thateveryone will make progress at thesame rate or that everyone willachieve the same levels of skill. But itdoes mean that effort can and will pay off.

But perhaps it is important to rethinkwhat we mean by effort andperseverance. What counts as effortand perseverance in the United Stateswould not be seen as such bystudents in many Asian nations.Success comes with effort, but tobring about higher levels of success,we will need to demand significantly

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What Can We Learn?Continued from page 17

higher levels of effort from ourchildren. This will also require that wehelp our children develop ways tomanage frustration, maintain theirattention, and put forth the level ofsustained energy needed to producetruly good work.

We should rethink our“entertainment culture”.

Our kids like to be entertained. Ourchildren spend long hours in front ofthe TV, playing video games, surfing theinternet and playing with all sorts ofelectronic gadgets. Movies, sportingevents and social life rival school asimportant goals in life. Electronicgadgets are highly seductive – theycan get to the best of us. Is itpossible for us to revise ourpriorities? To build learning andprojects into our everyday life in waysthat are similar to the values we placeon TV, sports and movies? Play yes.

But only after we accomplishsomething.

We should work toward anAmerican version of moral self-cultivation.

What if we were to ask our children,“What did you do today to become amore perfect person?” What wouldhappen if we asked ourselves thatquestion? What would it mean to tryto become a more perfect person?Becoming a more perfect personwould require that we compare whowe are now to some image of our idealself – or best self. There is, of course,no perfect person; perfection is notsomething any human can attain.However, to become a good person – abetter person than we are right now– requires that we have some idea ofwhat a good person is, and that wetry to live up to that image every day.We know we will fall short – but thatis not the point. The point is that intrying to become a more perfectperson, we move beyond where weare today and develop in the direction

of our ideals.

What We Should Avoid

Every culture has its moral strengthsand moral weaknesses. Even if it weredesirable, it is not possible to simplyimport practices from one cultureinto another culture. What works forone culture simply may not work inanother culture. There are aspects oftraditional Chinese culture that simplycut across the American grain. Wemay be able to appreciate the value ofrespecting one’s elders, but we do notvalue the practice of paternalism orstrict obedience to authority. Part ofthe strength of America is its capacityof rejecting illegitimate authority.Similarly, while we may be able to seethe value of social harmony, as a nation,we reject the idea that we shouldreach harmony by accepting fixedroles or obligations. And while wemay believe that it is not a good thingfor a child to “have no shame”, theChinese practice of social shame issimply at odds with our currentAmerican values.

If we can learn something from TigerMom, we will not be able to takeinstruction from her. If Americans canfind some value in what the TigerMoms of the world have to say, wewill have to find our own ways ofmaking those practices work withinthe cultures that make up America.

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References:

Chua, A. (2011). Battle Hymn of the TigerMother. Penguin Press.

Kaufman, J. (2004). The Interplay betweenSocial and Cultural Determinants ofSchool Effort and Success: An Investigationof Chinese-Immigrant and Second-Generation Chinese Students’ PerceptionsToward School. Social Science Quarterly(Blackwell Publishing Limited), 85, 1275-1298.

Li, J. (2004). Learning as a Task or a Virtue: U.S. and Chinese Preschoolers ExplainLearning. Developmental Psychology, 40, 595-605.

Li, J. (2002). A cultural model of learning:Chinese “heart and mind for wanting toLearn.” Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 33, 248-269.


on Route One in Topsfield!

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ParentingNorth Shore Children & Families 19

How Traditional Chinese Parenting Differs from American Styles of Parenting


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Congratulations and the very bestwishes to Cape Ann Waldorf School –who is moving to their new campus atMoraine Farm on Route 97 in North Beverly this month!www.capeannwaldorf.org

APRIL 1:

April Fool’s Day; National Walk toWork Day; International Fun at Work Day

APRIL 2:

Children’s Book Day; National PeanutButter & Jelly Day; Reconciliation Day

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Hug a Newsperson Day; Walk AroundThings Day; School Librarian Day

Happy Birthday, John Keenan!

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World Health Day; No Housework Day

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Nature Program: Bird Love, for adults &teens, at Peabody Essex Museum, Salem.www.pem.org

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Happy Birthday, John McNicholas!

Open House & Egg-Dyeing, 10am-noon, at Cape Ann Waldorf School,668 Hale St., Beverly Farms. Bring your own eggs or purchase atevent. RSVP to 978.927.1936.www.capeannwaldorf.org

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Advertising SpaceReservation DEADLINE forALL ADS for our MAY issue!

Our 4th Annual SummerCamps & ProgramsShowcase series for 2011continues in our MAY issue!To advertise, [email protected]!

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APRIL 16:

National Librarian Day; NationalStress Awareness Day

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Palm Sunday

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Patriot’s Day; Newspaper Columnists’ Day

APRIL 18-21:

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Pediatric NeuropsychologyService

Salem781.249.2901

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The Little GymDanvers and Woburn

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APRIL 20-22:

Open Activities Days at EasternPoint Day School, Gloucester, 9am-2pm. Features story hours, drama,dance, music, art & science for ages 3-13.www.easternpointdayschool.org

APRIL 21:

Happy Birthday, Tiara Teel!

Kindergarten Day

APRIL 22:

Earth Day; Good Friday; Girl ScoutLeader Day; National Jelly Bean Day

APRIL 23:

Take a Chance Day

Double the Stuff Tag Sale, 9:30am-12:30pm; $1. At 467 Main St., Wakefield;NS Mothers of Multiples spring sale.

APRIL 24:

Easter Sunday

APRIL 25:

Happy 13th Birthday, Jackson Smith!

APRIL 27:

Tell a Story Day

APRIL 28:

Take Your Daughter/Son to Work Day;Great Poetry Reading Day; Kiss YourMate Day

Montessori 101, 6-7pm, at IpswichMontessori School. Free, but pleaseRSVP at 978.356.2838.

Community Concert: Jose Franch-Ballester, clarinet; 7pm, free at Shalin LiuPerformance Center, Rockport.www.rockportmusic.org/community

APRIL 29:

Arbor Day; Greenery Day; NationalShrimp Scampi Day

APRIL 29 + 30:

Social Butterflies CertificationTraining Workshop: $159/1 day,$250/2 days. These social skills groupprogramming seminars are designed forprofessionals working with children onthe autism spectrum or withdevelopmental delays (social languagedeficits, delays in motor skills, sensory

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APRIL 30:

Deadline to enter to win $100gift certificate to Boston BalletSchool’s NS/Marblehead studio– see page 19!

Deadline to enter to win a $100 gift certificate to GibraltarPools & Spas – see page 19!

Open House at Ipswich MontessoriSchool, 10am-1pm; 978.356.2838.

National Honesty Day; HairstyleAppreciation Day

MAY 1:

Transfer Open House at CohenHillel Academy, Marblehead, 3-5pm.Now accepting applications for all grades.www.cohenhillel.org

Community CalendarContinued from page 21


Boston Ballet School/NS StudioMarblehead

781.456.6380www.bostonballet.org/school

BrookwoodSummer at Brookwood

Manchesterwww.brookwood.edu

Camp QuinebargeNew Hampshire

800.869.8497www.campquinebarge.com

Glen Urquhart School Summer Program

Beverly Farms978.927.1064, ext. 131

www.gus.org

Keys for KidsServing the Amesbury &

Newburyport Areaswww.keys-for-kids.com

Manchester Athletic Club Manchester

978.526.8900www.manchesterathleticclub.com

Shore Sports & EnrichmentCampsBeverly

978.927.1700, ext. 256www.shoreschool.org/summershore

Summer Adventures at The Phoenix School

Salem978.741.0870

www.phoenixschool.org

Covenant Christian AcademyWest Peabody978.535.7100

www.covenantchristianacademy.org

Eastern Point Day SchoolGloucester

978.283.1700www.easternpointdayschool.org

Harborlight MontessoriBeverly

978.922.1008www.harborlightmontessori.org

Ipswich Montesori SchoolIpswich

Enrolling now for Sept. 2011!978.356.2838

The Phoenix SchoolSalem

978.741.0870www.phoenixschool.org

Shore Country Day SchoolBeverly

978.927.1700www.shoreschool.org

Sparhawk SchoolAmesbury & Salisbury

978.388.5354www.sparhawkschool.com

Tower SchoolMarblehead

781.631.5800www.towerschool.org

SCHOOLS

SCHOOLS

MUSIC INSTRUCTION

PHOTOGRAPHY

OCCUPATIONAL/SPEECHTHERAPY

SPECIAL EDUCATION LAW

SUMMER FUN

Gibraltar Pools & SpasTopsfield

978.887.2424www.usaswim.com

Education Consulting,Advocacy & Legal Services

781.231.4332Serving MA, including the North Shore

www.educationandjuvenilelaw.com

SUMMER CAMPS & PROGRAMSSUMMER CAMPS & PROGRAMS

Please Support

Our Advertisers,

Who Sponsor this

Publication for

You & Your Family!

Boost your summer enrollments in our 4th AnnualSummer Camps & Programs Showcase series!

Continues in our May issue – space closes April 15!GET YOUR SUMMER PROGRAM LISTED HERE!

See page 16!

Brookwood SchoolManchester

978.526.4500www.brookwood.edu

Cape Ann Waldorf SchoolBeverly Farms978.927.1936

www.capeannwaldorf.org

Clark SchoolDanvers

978.777.4699www.clarkschool.com

Cohen Hillel AcademyMarblehead

781.639.2880www.cohenhillel.org

Ibáñez Music Beverly

978.998.4464www.ibanezmusic.com

Music Together/Joyful MusicServing Lexington,

Winchester, Melrose, Wakefield & Stoneham

www.joyfulmusic.com

Kids OT PlayBeverly

978.777.1122www.kidsotplay.com

Speech Therapy Group, LLCBeverly

978.927.0172www.speechtherapygroup.net

Spector PhotographyBeverly Farms617.755.8148

www.spectorphotography.com

To advertise:

[email protected]

SummerQuest at the Crane Estate

Ipswich978.380.8360

www.thetrustees.org/summerquest

Summer Quest at Pingree SchoolSouth Hamilton978.468.4415

www.pingree.org/summerquest

Summer's Edge Tennis SchoolAt Salem State University

& in Lexington781.391.EDGE

www.summersedgedaycamp.com

Summer at Tower SchoolMarblehead

781.631.5800www.towerschool.org

Whale CampGrand Manan Island, Maine

888.54WHALEwww.whalecamp.com

HappySpring!

north shore children & families, april 2011

Documents

summer camps andprograms

thannual summer camps

childrenthis summer

development of children

spector photography

showcase series

childand family photography

contests toenter win