[NOTE: this is a working draft shared for IN FOCUS consideration and discussion only--not for distribution beyond Moravian College community. Shorr 1-18-18]

DICTATORS FOR DUMMIES By Christopher Shorr

© Christopher Shorr 1010 N. New Street

Bethlehem, PA 18018

shorrc@moravian.edu

CHARACTERS:

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT (PA) a would-be dictator, relegated to grunt work GENERALISSIMO CARLO SUPREMO (CS)

host of telethon, a fictional retired dictator reminiscent of Benito Mussolini GENERAL JEFFE PABLO (JP)

Carlo’s ex-partner, a fictional retired dictator reminiscent of Fidel Castro GUESTS (The following guests are all played by a single performer)

JOSEPH STALIN General Secretary/Premier of Soviet Union

MUAMMAR GADDAFI Brotherly Leader of Libya

LITTLE TIMMY HITLER fictional son of Adolf Hitler, Führer of the Reich

SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC President of Serbia and Federal Republic of Yugoslavia

JOSEPH GOEBBELS Hitler’s Minister of Propaganda

BENITO MUSSOLINI Prime Minister and Dictator of Italy, Il Duce

MUSICAL NUMBERS:

1. Dummies (solo) Carlo Supremo 2. Dummies (duet) Carlo Supremo & Jeffe Pablo 3. Autocratic Tactic Joseph Stalin 4. Divide and Conquer Jeffe Pablo 5. Tell ‘em they don;t know what the know Muammar Gaddafi 6. Pleasing Papa Carlo Supremo 7. Recipe for Scapegoat Little Timmy Hitler 8. Sing Along Jeffe Pablo 9. Slobodan Milosevic Production Assistant 10. Say it Like you Mean it Joseph Goebbels 11. Dictator’s Mustache Production Assistant 12. My Way or The Highway Benito Mussolini 13. No more Disguises Production Assistant 14. End of an Era Carlo Supremo & Jeffe Pablo 15. Dummies (reprise) Company

SETTING:

The annual “Tyrants of Tomorrow Telethon” broadcast

(As the audience enters, they are greeted by a PRODUCTION ASSISTANT--PA-- wearing headset, holding clipboard, etc--who gets them situated and takes care of bits of other business. She goes back and forth to her “home base”--a table on the side of the stage with a couple telephones, “applause” sign, and other props she may need. Once the audience has settled in, she addresses them as a group.)

PA: Welcome, folks. You psyched to be here tonight? I know I am. Ready to raise some money for great cause? Ready to see some great acts? This telethon is so important, and your energy and enthusiasm really carries to the broadcast so YOU are a big part of what people experience when they watch this on TV at home. We’re here to raise awareness, and raise money. We have a range of thank you gifts to acknowledge your support at various levels. The general will tell you more about that. But we like to make a special offer only available to the people here in the live studio audience, BEFORE the broadcast begins. For a donation of ANY SIZE (pulls out nose glasses) you will get this special pair of dictator glasses. This is at any level of donation. Wear them proudly during the show, so we know you are a supporter! The general likes to know who his friends are. Who would like to show their support? Just put your money in this bowl. (collects money and distributes glasses.) Remember, this is only opportunity you have to get these. I’d hate for you to have regrets later. You, sir? Ma’am? Okay. Put them on. Wear them to show your support. As you know from years passed, the general always brings out surprise guests. Well, this year we have a surprise guest for HIM. We are going to reunite him with his longtime partner, head of the people’s party, General Jeffe Pablo. After being rivals for world domination, they became friends during their years in prison for war crimes, and that friendship blossomed into their Las Vegas stage act “The Generals.” (They were the darlings of…) They were a fixture at the Sands for years, until that old rivalry came back and a wedge split them apart. They haven’t seen or spoken to each other in ten years. (importantly) We are bringing them back together tonight for the first time, and on live television. Audiences at home will learn this at the same time as the the general, but I’m telling you--our live audience--so your reaction doesn’t give anything away. This is going to be huge! And, I must say, quite a feather in my cap. (pauses, hand to her headset) Okay, folks, we’re ready to kick this off. Standby on set. (into headset) Standby music. Ready camera one. We are going live on air in three, two--(silent “one”) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(Big fanfare, and amplified announcer voice.) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Live, from scenic Christmas city, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, it’s the (blank annual) Tyrants of Tomorrow Telethon. Ladies and Gentlemen the please welcome your host, the telethon tyrant himself, Generalissimo Carlo Supremo!

(PA holds up “applause” signs to audience. Music segues from fanfare into “Dummies” theme. GENERALISSIMO CARLO SUPREMO--CS--enters)

CS: (sings)

We win only when you play along, dummy Give us power and what could go wrong, dummy Give it up. Live it up. The time is now Close your eyes. It’s no surprise-- That’s the way we get to power.

(speaks) It’s great to be here, my friends. Here with you. Together, for a great cause. We’re gonna make the magic happen for a lot of kids tonight. Kids that want to rise to great heights. Anyone can do it, ladies and gentlemen, but only with your help. It takes a village, and it takes you. (sings)

Forget everything you learned in school, dummy Ready set and go--now be a fool, dummy This lesson’s better than the golden the rule, dummy: We win only when you play along!

(PA holds up “Applause” sign) CS: (speaks) Thank you. Thank you. This is too kind audience. Really.. Is warming heart. Very much is warming to see you. (applause sign) Amazing audience. (sings)

Settle in. Don’t meddle in Affairs of state Gotta do your part, if we’re gonna start To take tyranny to an art I’m gonna share a basic rule of thumb, Dummy We hammer you til you succumb, Dummy Don’t waste your time and try to overcome, Dummy Dictators rule the world when you play along

(Applause Sign. Speaks, music continues under)

Wow. Wowwee. If I had audience like this back in country, I would still be great leader there! But I am so much the happier one here tonight with you. Because of course the cause. The cause. The causa. For us is always the cause…. The children. Are you ready to make some magic here tonight? Are you ready? (to PA) Turn on the big counter. Okay--let’s make some magic. Call the number on your screen to pledge. Every dollar counts Always the children. Because they are the future of the world. You look at these poor petites. These lost ones. Look into their eyes you see they have such a need. They are lost. They need our help--your help! To make them strong leader. (gestures to PA) PA: so call now. Call now for… the children. CS: (sings)

We win only when you play along, dummy Give us power and what could go wrong, dummy Give it up. Live it up. The time is now. Close your eyes. It’s no surprise-- That’s the way we get to power Forget everything you learned in school, dummy Ready set and go--now be a fool, dummy This lesson’s better than the golden the rule, Better than the things you learned in school. We win only when you play along!

(music ends) Thank you. We have such a beautiful night for you here tonight. and we have some wonderful guests. It’s an impressive line-up of really world class dictators, despots, and authoritarian big shots. But the important thing about these guys is not the size of their armies, the level of atrocities committed, or the number of people persecuted… it is what is in their hearts. We’re all here for the children. And speaking of children… I see child walking on street, and he’s kicking can. He’s walking, he’s a kicking can. He have nothing but this can, but he is happy. And he saying “life so simple la dee da” and he’s a kicking can, and truck drive past and CRUSH can. And he say “but now I have nothing.” (points to band for rim shot) haha. Is funny because it’s true. It all starts with a single child, and his dream. Dream is beautiful thing. You got to have a dream. If you don’t have a dreams (sings) how you gonna make a dream come true? You know it? South Pacific. I remember beautiful island in south pacific. I like this. The beaches… Beautiful. People resist, I crush them, take island, blah blah blah, is a story for another time. But the dream is so important. Everybody have this. Poor boy have nothing but dream. Dream of power. Dream to rule world. He cannot make it alone. With your help, we make dream come true. (gestures to PA)

PA: So call now… Call the number on your screen, and help make the dream come true. CS: Speaking of dreams… I have dream the other night. In dream I die and go to heaven, and St. Peter is standing by gate and he say “oh no--you can’t come in. In life you kill so many people, and torture, and so many bad things--no no--you can’t come in.” and I say “but St. Peter, I pay for my crimes already. I pay from money I stole from poor people in my country!” (points to band for rim shot) Ha! Is funny because is true. Time for our first guest. You might know him for his corruption and nepotism, or maybe for the ethnic persecution and human right abuse. Whatever you know him for, he ran his country into the ground. I love this guy, and I know you're gonna love him, too: He’s black and he’s back--Idi Amin. Idi Amin, ladies and gentlemen.

(GENERAL JEFFE PABLO--JP--enters, wearing nose glasses.) Idi, baby. How are you? (no response) Something’s different about you. Is it the hair? I can’t put my finger on it. (no response) Hello? Idi? Talk to me. I mean talk to me. Haha-- “Idi--amin, talk to me!”

(JP removes glasses. Gasp.) After all these years… You think you can just walk onto this..? There wasn’t enough room for the two of us on a single continent--you think there’s room enough on this stage? JP: You talk big. The question is: do you still have what it takes?

(CS unbuttons jacket and slowly reaches into pocket. JP mirrors him. Then, suddenly, they both draw finger guns. Beat.)

CS: (sings)

We win only when you play along… JC: ...dummy. (sings)

Give us power and what could go wrong… CS:

Dummy. Give it up.

(the finger guns start to point in rhythm) JC:

Live it up. BOTH:

The time is now

(music joins in) CS:

Close your eyes. JP:

It’s no surprise-- BOTH:

That’s the way we get to power JP:

Forget everything you learned in school, dummy CS:

Ready set and go--now be a fool, dummy JP:

This lesson’s better than the golden the rule, dummy: BOTH:

We win only when you play along! CS:

We’ll take away the mystery But you gotta ignore your history Dictators rule the world when you play a--

JP: You learn nothin from your past That’s why guys like us can last Dictators rule the world when you play a--

CS: (HIT) Forget everything you learned in school (HIT) Ready set and go--now be a fool better than the golden the rule, dummy:

BOTH: We win only when you play along!

(Music ends. They hug. The break the hug. Clasping arms, then a new handshake with each title)

CS: Jefe. JP: Duce. El supremo. CS: Perpetuo. Conducator. JP: Capitan! CS: Grande marshal!

JP: generalissimo!

(they embrace) PA: The Generals, ladies and gentlemen! Together again! JP: The work you are doing is… so important. I’m here to give back. To make a better future, generalissimo, because the struggling hoodlums and petty criminals of today are the dictators of tomorrow. CS: That’s right, Jeffe Pablo, that’s right. And for years here on the telethon we’ve been checking in on one such hoodlum. This is a boy who had nothing. Remember when he started? He had no money. No weapons. No followers. All he had was a dream. JP: He was actually a really nice kid when we found him. Not a hoodlum at all. CS: They all start out nice, Jeffe Pablo. But people are monkeys and you can train them. (pause) A little bit later in the program we are going to pick one lucky child from our studio audience for our sponsorship program. So cross your fingers, kids. Every dollar we raise tonight goes DIRECTLY to support our support of the tomorrow’s children, today, and today’s tyrants of tomorrow. (points to PA) PA: Our operators are standing by to take your calls. We’re looking for your pledge of support… for tomorrow’s children today, and today’s tyrants…? --So keep those calls coming! CS: We’re also taking questions from the TV audience at home, and so feel free to reach out on social media and while you’re there be sure to like us on the facebook. PA: We have a call now. A question from Wayne in Vancouver, Canada CS: Okay--let’s have it. Wayne in Vancouver, you are on the air. WAYNE (V.O.) Awesome. Yeah--Long time listener, first time caller. I’m--I’m I guess you could say I’m a would-be oligarch. You know, I haven’t done much yet--just some local corruption, and uh, I sold supplements for a while--but I got big plans. Uh I’m real glad to see The Generals back together again. I got a bootleg from your final show in Vegas I listen to all the time. I think it was way out of line for-- CS: --What’s your question today, Wayne? How can I help? WAYNE (V.O.) Oh. Yeah, so this is a question for Jeffe Pablo. You’re the man when it comes to dodging tough questions. Master of evasion, right? Well I keep hatching plots that get found

out. Just can’t can’t seem to get people off my trail, you know? I wonder if you have any advice for a beginner.”

(JP takes front and center. CS is visibly miffed.) JP: Common problem. You are letting these people ask the right questions. You cannot have this. You must get the people to ask the wrong questions. You must know the dangerous questions, and guide the people to ask something that sounds close enough that for them is satisfying, but for you is not so dangerous. The scary girl wants a date, but you take her sweet sister. They look a little bit alike, but the one gives you no trouble. You must practice this. Good luck, Wayne. Stop screwing around with pyramid schemes. Get out there and privatize some state assets. (Call ends.) Canada. Such potential. CS: There you have it. Some expert advice from the “master.” I guess you couldn’t outrun the scary girl in the end, though, could you? She finally caught up to you--in the Hague!

(PA signals for break) CS: And speaking of which, our own scary girl is telling me it’s time for a short break. But we’ll be back in a moment with our first guest. Someone I know you’re gonna love, so stay with us. No surprises this time!

(music outro, to commercial video or audio that fades to background after establishing)

(V.O.) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

PA: And we are clear.

(PA hustles around taking care of business, exits. JP & CS relax to “off air” mode, but remain in position)

CS: So. JP: So. CS: (after a pause) You’re looking… healthy. JP: As are you. CS: (gesturing to hair) This is… quite a look. Without state-controlled bank, you have not money for haircut? JP: Easy... CS: You and Benito still--? JP: --no. It was nothing. I told you at the time he was-- CS: --whatever. Past is past. JP: Si. CS: Si. JP: We had some good times, you and me, eh? CS: We did have some times. (Pause) Jackie and the kids? JP: All good. The kids have kids now. CS: Ah. Mazel tov. JP: Gracie. CS: If I’d known, I’d have sent something. A basket. JP: How could you know? CS: Yes. How could I know? A postcard would be so much to ask?

(PA enters.)

PA: (to JP) That was amazing. Feels good right? What did I tell you?

(CS crosses to PA) CS: (aside, to PA) I don’t like surprises. You ever pull a stunt like that again, and I’ll (show you a war crime) PA: But you guys are so-- CS: --zipa. PA: Can I get either of you anything before we’re back? JP: Cafe Cubano. Short. PA: Oh. Does it have to be…? (JP stops her with a look) uh… let me see about that. (returning to CS) I thought you were going to be… I arranged the whole thing because I know how you… And you said he would never… and I thought, if I can prove to you that… Well… I’m sorry. (switches gears, turns to audience) That was a great first segment. How’s your energy? You ready to go? Standby on set. (Do we see/hear end of commercial?) (into headset) Standby music. Ready camera one. We are going live on air in three, two--(silent “one”) >>>>>>>>>>>>

(CS and JP smile. Music swells.) CS: Welcome back ladies and gents. We’re having a great time here tonight… but you know who isn’t having a good time, General? JP: I do know, General. It’s those poor kids out there in the world, scraping together a band of fanatical followers, or struggling to stage their first coup. CS: That’s absolutely right. Earlier we mentioned a young man who had a dream, but no way to making that dream a reality. JP: But with your help, we set up an offshore account, and funded the rigging of an election in a country without enough natural resources for the rest of the world to care. That gave him a foothold, and now he’s threatening the stability of the entire region. CS: What a success story. It’s inspiring. (sings) “They can’t do it by themselves, but they can do it with your help.” (gestures to PA) PA: Call now. Because they can’t do it by themselves, but they can do it with your help. Operators are standing by. JP (Aside to CS) That was my line. You can’t just rip my line. CS Teamwork makes the dream work (gestures to PA) PA Call now. Because Teamwork makes the dream work. CS: Let’s bring out our First Guest--our first real guest! I don’t know what happened to Amin. Do you have him locked in a closet somewhere. He’s a gonna be pissed. Stay outa his way--that guy’s got some nasty tricks. Okay, folks. Here we go. You’ll never see a bad portrait of our first guest-- JP: --cause he had them all destroyed, and then he shot the artists! The city named for him was called Tsaritsyn before him, and Volgograd after him. CS: A heavy hitter by any standards, and my own hero in the moustache department… JP: You might know him as the man of steel, or Koba. CS: But we just know him as our friend Joe. Come on out.

(Music swells. JOSEPH STALIN enters) Joe Stalin, ladies and gentlemen! You’re looking good, comrade. Welcome.

STALIN: Thank you. Yes, I feeling good also. CS: Look--I’m going to jump right in. (a la barbara walters) Born into a troubled family. Tumultuous childhood. Grew up poor. STALIN: You’re not going to make me cry, Carlo. CS: But it was a tough life. Father was alcoholic. Beat you, beat you mother. STALIN: It’s true. He taught me a lot. CS: You had small pox. Were run over by a horse-drawn carriage. Sent to prison, multiple times. Exiled to Siberia, multiple times. ...And you started small. (is this a size reference?) STALIN: Kidnapping, robbery. I set up some protection rackets. CS: You were big on Marx, Big on Lenin…

(STALIN and JP fist bump) CS: You were against fascism…. STALIN: (shrugs) sorry. CS: ...it looked for a while like you and Hitler were going to do some amazing work together, but then it all fell apart. (pause) Tell us what happened. STALIN: Well… that guy was real prick. We had an understanding, but then he invaded. What can I say? He wasn’t a team player. CS: You founded the Soviet Union STALIN: I cant take all the credit. It was a group effort. JP: This guy. So modest. Let’s talk about the “great purge.” STALIN: Yes. That one was all me. JP: Phew. terrific name: “Great Purge.” STALIN: That was my marketing people, but yes--the branding is so important. Really helps set the tone.

JP: And during the Great Purge, you imprisoned, tortured, exiled, executed a heck of a lot of people. STALIN: Yes. Those were good years. JP: Hundreds of thousands? STALIN: More than a million. JP: They say the road to siberia is paved with human bones, from the people who died in the gulag. CS: Chilling thought (rim shot) JP: Known as the “road of bones.” CS: “Road of Bones.” Terrific. Was that the marketing folks, too? STALIN: No, it’s just that it’s a road… made of bones. CS: (after a pause) I see. So what are we looking at, bottom line, for total death count on your watch. JP: Not that it’s a competition. Do we have Mao Zedong on the show tonight? I know how you two get. STALIN: Well, there’s the deaths from torture, from labor camps, from famine and other deprivation as the result of a range of my brutal policies… and I’m not gonna lie--we just shot a lot of people in the head. And 20 million Soviets died World War II. I’m not sure that’s on me... But we’re looking at maybe 40 million. CS: Phew. Joe, you were in the game for a long time. You ran the Soviet Union for thirty years. You invented a lot of the tactics kids use today. I know there are folks watching tonight who want to learn from you, and I understand you’ve put a routine together for us. STALIN: Yes. It is a dance number. (to PA) Please to bring vodka. (to audience) We are talking about such heavy stuff. But we’re here to have a good time. You will drink with me some Russian vodka?

(PA brings bottle of vodka and glasses. She hands out glasses to audience) CS: So what is this dance? STALIN: Is called “Autocratic Tactic”

JP: That’s a mouthful.

(slow music begins. STALIN pours shots for audience, as he sings) STALIN

“Autocratic Tactic” may be difficult to say And “despotism strategem’s” no better It’s tough to follow logic when it’s highly pedagogic And no one likes a smarty pants

(pours himself a shot, and hands off bottle) So what are we to do? For Autocratic Tactical school? A lesson so advanced will put you in a trance

(raises his glass) But how can it be didactic if we do it as a dance?

(takes a shot, tosses glass) A-five-six-seven-eight (music picks up)

First you step to the right Keep your money out of sight Make sure your knees are bent Keep the generals content now you do a little spin Bring the military in Put your hand on your chest Say the army’s best now you move your hips And you build some ships We call the little combo the military mambo It’s the first step to crack-- the autocratic tactic (Tactic, autocratic tactic, It’s the autocratic tactic) Learn the military mambo to attack the autocratic tactic Run out the riff raff Take em for a ride It’s the Gulag shim sham siberian slide Doodly-yop mbob doobop. Your the top tonight. Stay blind to your weakness

Stay deaf to your flaws It really doesn’t matter when you make the laws Follow the leader He knows the moves you fall one and all In the autocratic groove tonight Doodly-yap mbap doobap the autocratic tactic Now you touch your lip Identify the leadership Make your right foot stomp And you drain the swamp Now make a finger gun Fire everyone Fill the vacancies with yes-men Got no use for second-guess-men You don’t want debate When your head of state We call the little thing the yes-men swing It’s the next step to crack the autocratic tactic It’s gotta groovy little ring Do the military mambo and the yes-men swing Once you learn the moves It ain’t a complicated thing It’s just a step, a spin, the hand, the hips The shim, the sham, the slide, the lip The stomp, the gun, and your done with the trip Now you got a plan of attack: The autocratic tactic

(music ends. PA holds up “applause” sign) STALIN: Thank you. Spasibo. CS: Joseph Stalin, folks, with “The Autocratic Tactic.” Wonderful. Thanks so much for being here tonight, Joe.

(STALIN shakes hands with CS & JP, picks up vodka, waves to audience)

STALIN: Dobroy nochi.

(STALIN exits. NOTE: quick bottle swap sleight-of-hand needs to happen here.) JP: Hey, Joe!

(STALIN reenters) JP: Where you going with that bottle in your hand?

(STALIN hands bottle to JP, who places it somewhere on stage for later. STALIN salutes and exits.)

JP: (shrugs) Could be a long night.

(PA Signals for break) JP: Say, general, didn’t you promise to pick a lucky kiddo from the audience for our sponsorship program, Tyrants of Tomorrow. CS: I did, general, and we’ll do that as soon as we take a quick break. Now is a great time to take out those wallets, and support our kids. They’re the future. Call now, and give generously. JP: You know, general, we could just take their money by force… but we won’t. We aren’t in the strong arm business anymore. CS: That’s right, general. And it would also be a violation of the terms of our release. We’ll be right back. >>>>>>>>>>>>>

PA: We’re clear.

(JP & CS exit.) INSERT: PA addresses audience. maybe something about convincing they are having a good time. Otherwise it could get ugly. >>>>>>>>>>>>>

(CS looks out, scanning audience) CS: Welcome back, friends. It’s time to pick a lucky kid from the audience.

(PA signals to audience to put on noe glasses if they want to be considered.) JP: Time to make a dream come true.

(CS gestures to JP, inviting him to pick) CS: please JP: Me pick? No, it should be you pick. CS: Awww. Jeffe--we pick together. JP: Teamwork! (turns to audience) I see plenty of people who have ambitions to be dictators. We can recognize you. Our kind of people! But we are looking for children. Not really many children here, are there? Where are the babies? You didn’t bring your babies? Not that kinda show? Let’s see... (going from person to person) A bit old… a bit old… I think you may have missed the dictator boat. Oh, hello there, miss. (I’d like to get her on a slow boat to red china!) CS: You, ma’am. Do you have children? How about you? Do you have pictures? Lovely. What is his name? HER name? That’s a girl? No that won’t work--girls do not make good dictators. How about you? Show us a picture of your sweet boy child. Perfect. What is his name? Is he a bully? (to JP) Not a bully. JP: No problemo--we can change that. CS: Do you have pets? Is he cruel to them? No? What sort of toys does he like? Would he rather have one of those or two of those? And then would he take a third one? Yah--good--I like this boy. What is his favorite food to eat? If we gave him a whole table of that would he want to eat all of it? He is sweet? (to JP) She says he is sweet. What do you think, Jeffe? JP: No problemo--we can change that. CS: Sounds like we have our work cut out for us to turn this sweet, not bully kind of boy into a monster, but I say we take a chance on him. What do you say, audience?? What is his name? Ahhhh--I like this. Fine dictator name:____. JP: And he is from where? “_____” (insert catchy nickname like “Sam, the butcher of Bethlehem”... warlord of lodz, Golem of Goleniow) It could work.

CS: “_____” (insert catchy, but slightly more uppity nickname like “Sam, the Primo-Principe of Pennsylvania”... presidente principe de Poland) JP: (after a pause) Why do you have to do that? CS: What I did? JP: I just made up a perfectly good name, and you changed it? CS: No, your way is good. It’s fine. ...It is little bit obvious, maybe. JP: Not everything has to be fancy. Simple. Strong. (to audience, rallying them) The BUTCHER OF BETHLEHEM. Is good, right.??? (gets audience to cheer)

(PA assists in getting audience to cheer, but knows she is getting caught in the middle of a fight. Can she be on both sides?)

CS: Right. Jeffe Pablo--man of the people! Everybody is love him. Okay--you love him. Let’s hear from our own Jeffe Pablo. (to PA or band) We have a guitar here someplace? Give our good friend a guitar. (to JP) As I recall, your methods were not sophisticated, but they seem to work. And when you are dealing mainly with peasants, these kind of tactics are all you need. JP: Well, not everything has to be complicated, does it? CS: Whatever you say. JP: As I recall, sometimes it’s the complicated things that get people in trouble. (putting his arm around CS) In fact, don’t you have a funny story about-- CS: --Enough about me. It’s time for great tips (arm around JP, grabbing a bit of hair) from great friends, as we raise more money for great cause! JP: (shaking loose) Watch it. CS: Oh, look--my button must have gotten caught in you hair. I guess that’s just the price you pay for this kind of... “personal fashion statement.”

(someone enters with guitar, which CS grabs and thrusts upon JP) Jeffe Pablo, ladies and gentlemen!

(JP strums guitar, shrugs, and sings) JP:

Take a group of people, and make them pick a side. Call for unity but constantly divide. You pit the one... against the other You take a family and drive a wedge between two brothers It’s a cancer… Spreading cross the land (There) ain’t a country in the world that can withstand (There) ain’t a tight enough community you can’t bust open wide If you divide, divide, divide! Divide and conquer. Divide and conquer. Don’t think about the ethics. That crap will drive you bonkers. Just conquer. Divide and conquer. The ends are justified. You’ll do it all if you divide! Divide and conquer! Divide and conquer! You’ll win em all if you divide. In the art of war, people often are misguided. Don’t attack in open battle, make them crack from the inside. You plant a seed of suspicion and mistrust And then sit back and watch as your enemies go bust It’s a tactic… That works in any war (there) ain't a battle can’t be won if you split the center core (There) ain't a single army You can’t bust open wide If you divide, divide, divide! Divide and conquer. Divide and conquer. Don’t think about the ethics. That crap will drive you bonkers. Just conquer. Divide and conquer. The ends are justified. You’ll do it all if you divide! Divide and conquer! Divide and conquer! You’ll win em all if you divide.

CS: That was actually very good advice, for all you aspiring autocrats out there. Was that some kind of Latino folk wisdom you learned from your grandfather? JP: Actually I learned that from Immanuel Kant and Niccolo Machiavelli while studying political science at Harvard.

(Pause. PA signal for break) CS: Okay, well for once our girl is doing something right. Is time for a break.

(CS exits)

PA: (flustered) uh… so do something right--call now, and make a difference. Because… we really need new leadership… and we can’t do it without your help. The number’s on your screen.

(PA hits a button to play recording) ANNOUNCER (V.O.): When we return to the Tyrant of Tomorrow Telethon, we’ll be getting a drop-in from not one, but TWO wacky neighbors. Guess who’s coming to dinner?! Stay tuned! >>>>>>>>>>>>

PA: ...and we’re clear. (exits)

(JP is alone on stage. After a moment of silence, turns and calls to CS) JP: Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I know your sensitive about--

(CS enters quickly, ready to engage, but stops short.) CS: No. I shouldn’t have gotten snippy with you. I’m sorry. I’m under a lot of pressure. This telethon… people don’t support like they used to. Maybe it’s me. Maybe my heart isn’t in it anymore. And I’m happy to see you, it’s just I wasn’t expecting it, and… JP: Stop. You know what? ...Bygones? CS: Bygones.

(they hug) JP: I’m here to help. We can do great things together.

(PA enters, hand styrofoam cup to JP.) JP: What is this? PA: Best we could do. JP: (shouting) Are you good at something? Take this away. CS: (shouting) Come on! Is this how we treat a special-- is this how we treat la FAMILIA? Take it away!

(PA runs off stage. JP and CS smile at each other.) JP: That felt good, huh? CS: That felt right.

(some fake punches to the belly) JP: You were so scary. CS: (bashful) No. You were ferocious.

(They sigh)

CS & JP: We still got it. JP: Drink? CS: Si.

(They grab vodka bottle and pour two shots, raise glasses) CS: To the good old days? JP: To the good days still to come.

(they drink, and are surprised by the strength--this doesn’t taste like prop vodka!) CS: Whoa. that. Is. vodka. JP: (looking around to see if it’s OK to drink on stage)--I thought-- Oh well. Cool. CS: (grimaces) He’s Joseph Stalin. You’d think he could spring for the good stuff.

(PA returns. She has been crying but has collected herself.) PA: Look--I know I seem to be screwing everything up, but one of these days, I’m telling you, I’m going to do something that’s going to... and you’re going to be so impressed with me and… and…

(CS & JP burst into laughter. PA sulks away to her corner.) PA: (to audience) Happy faces.

(sound swells back up) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ...return to the Tyrants of Tomorrow Telethon… PA: in three, two--- ANNOUNCER (V.O.) ...with your host Generalissimo Carlo Supremo! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

CS: It’s a beautiful night here in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. (Home of…?) JP: Has Bethlehem produced any notorious world leaders? CS: I don’t believe so. JP: Perhaps a corrupt local politician with great ambition? CS: Not sure. JP: Well, maybe we’ll inspire someone tonight. CS: That could happen, Jeffe. There’s magic in the air. It’s a special night. JP: Even more special because it’s shared with old friends who are coming together to support a great cause. And speaking of old friends, Carlo. Maybe we bring one out to the stage. CS: Great idea, Pablo. What can we say about our next guest. He’s the Kramer to our Seinfeld, and the Ethyl to our lucy… let’s bring out the wackiest neighbor in dictator-town: Muammar Gaddafi!

(music swells: “I wear my sunglasses at night” MUAMMAR GADDAFI enters, stone-faced. CS opens arms for a hug. No response.)

CS: (after a pause) What? You didn’t like being called the wacky neighbor?

(GADDAFI shakes his head.) CS: But everyone loves the wacky neighbor. We meant it as a good thing. I thought you’d like it. GADDAFI: But I did not like it. ...I LOVED IT!!!! JP: oh--you really had me going. But that is SO YOU! We never know what to expect! GADDAFI: Aha… see? JP: So this is part of a plan? Part of the “Muammar Method?” GADDAFI: Of course it is. ..Is it? --It is! CS: All you kids out there in TV land should pay careful attention. You have a rare opportunity to get the inside scoop from a man of mystery. What can you tell us about your method, Muammar?

GADDAFI: Well, you have to keep people guessing, baby. That’s key. As soon as they think they have you pegged, change it up. Unpredictable is good. CS: Tell us more. GADDAFI: For the kids just starting out, I say: cultivate the crazy. Go wild. Have fun with it. You gotta love what you do. Throw in a wacky affectation. Hats are great, props, eyewear, maybe an eye patch. Be creative! Remember--you might HOOK them with the threat of prison, but you KEEP them with a cult of personality. My people LOVE me. I’m hugely popular. Look at me. (He poses.) I’m not the ruler of a country, am a brand. I’m Gaddafi. I’m celebrity rock star, prophet and king rolled into one, bitches. I’m a way of life. They don’t follow my ideas, they follow ME. No matter what. If I say it, it is so. Reality is what I say it is. JP: That’s what a crazy person would say. GADDAFI: I’m okay with that. JP: Not to get too philosophical here, but you can’t just make up reality. Reality is reality. Some things simply ARE. Gravity makes things fall down. GADDAFI: No it doesn’t. This is only a theory. A conspiracy, really. Don’t be a sucker. See that? I say the opposite. No more gravity. Pshhhhh. No problem. JP: But you can’t sustain that. Eventually people say--wait a minute I know for a fact that-- GADDAFI: --Whoa--no! What is this, dictator kindergarten? That’s a rookie mistake. Under no conditions can you ever concede a fact. They CANNOT know what is real. JP: But people read books, see the news. They can read a headline. GADDAFI: You’re living in the past, my friend. Get with the times. Discredit the media. You’re in charge. You are the authority. You are the only source of believable information. People should get their information directly from you, anyway. Cut out the middleman. Take it to the air waves. Take it to the streets.Reality is what YOU say it is. Remember rule numbero uno, compadre: keep people guessing. When they’re off balance, they’ll go wherever you push them. (sings)

Tell em they don't know what they know The results are amazing Tell em they don't know what they know They won't know what to do Tell em they don't know what they know It'll drive em crazy

And if they’re busy going crazy They’re too busy to bother you

Tell em they don't know what they know keep the people guessing. Tell em they don't know what they know Keep truth concealed. Tell em they don't know what they know The truth is distressing, turn fact into fiction they can’t know what real

The lack of logic drives them to unravel The madness has them running to and fro And when they’re on the brink of going bonkers You just tell em they don't know what they know

(GADDAFI produces GADDAFI DUMMY, who begins to sing.) GADDAFI DUMMY:

I know the sun’ll come up tomorrow-- JP:

You don’t know what you know. GADDAFI DUMMY:

I know that one and one is two-- JP:

You never knew what you knew. GADDAFI DUMMY:

I know that you are gonna blow it-- JP:

You don’t know it. GADDAFI DUMMY:

I know I have a moral code-- CS:

You don’t know what you know. GADDAFI DUMMY:

I know the the sky above is blue-- CS:

You never knew what you knew. GADDAFI DUMMY:

I know that history will show that you had nowhere left to go it’s gotta show it. CS:

No--You don’t know it. GADDAFI:

Tell em they don't know what they know JP:

The results are amazing GADDAFI:

Tell em they don't know what they know CS:

They won't know what to do GADDAFI:

Tell em they don't know what they know JP:

it makes em go crazy GADDAFI:

And if if they're busy going crazy They're too busy to see the truth! Their entire world is in a tailspin They’ve completely lost the status quo And when they’re just about to lose their marbles You tell em they don't know what they know

GADDAFI DUMMY: I thought it was the final straw You didn’t think what you thought

GADDAFI DUMMY: I saw you clearly break the law You didn’t see what you saw

GADDAFI DUMMY: I did my best to muddle through it No--you didn’t do it.

GADDAFI DUMMY: I brought the will to get you caught You didn’t bring what you brought

GADDAFI DUMMY: I heard you say that racial slur You didn’t hear what you heard GADDAFI DUMMY: I fought hard to stay united No--you didn’t fight it

(All Together, facing audience, harsh) ALL:

You never knew what you knew You didn’t see what you saw You didn’t hear what you heard You didn’t think what you thought ...Or do what you did

...Or bring what you brought

...Or feel what you felt

...Or fight who you fought Cause like it or not, it’s a new show and we’re the ones who tell you what you know

CS: Muammar Gaddafi, Ladies and Gentlemen! Terrific advice, from a guy who knows. Thanks for being here, my friend. Stay outa trouble.

(PA hold up “applause” sign) GADDAFI: She gets it. (To PA, as he exits) Hey, good looking. You know karate? Kung fu? Here’s my card. I’m always looking to build my security detail.

(He exits) CS: That’s one kooky guy. JP: Completely insane. CS: He’s so crazy his bananas are bananas. But we love him. (exhale) Onward! JP: The lines are open to accept your calls with donations. And also your questions and comments CS: Yes. But not so much comments. JP: They can also reach out through social, is that right? CS: Yes they can. And like us on facebook. #tyrantsoftomorrow #bemydespot #iheartdictator PA: We do have question from twitter. CS: Okay--And here’s a tweet. Can we have it up on the screen? No? @freefreedom1600 writes “Huge fan. You guys get a bum rap. People don’t get what you do. Sad. Keep up good wok.” Good wok? JP: I don’t know this. CS: But thank you, @freefreedom1600. It’s kids like you that make it all worthwhile. Keep fighting the good fight. JP: Let’s take some emails. “Despot in Dayton” writes: I understand it’s important to be strong and to keep people in line. Fear is essential. But don’t you also want to be loved? How do you

find the right balance.” Great question, Despot in Dayton. A lot of young authoritarians struggle with this. Such a tough balancing act. But you know who was a real master...? Our very own Generalissimo. CS: Oh, you’re too kind. But yes--this was a bit of a speciality for me. JP: Tell us how you mastered it. CS: It’s not different things. It’s the same thing. This is the trick. (singing)

The lower the people think they are The more they need someone above The more dependent they become The more they give you their love

(spoken) It’s no have to make sense to be true (sings)

A nation is a family; the leader on top All the people are babies; they learn from Pop. a nation is a barnyard; the people are sheep If you tell them what to do; They don’t make a peep You got to be strong… And the people must be weak Papa gotta be big Papa gotta be tough Papa gotta be strong So I hope like it rough Papa gotta draw the line he gotta be gruff Cry uncle to the papa, when you’ve had enough Everybody (Everybody Everybody Everybody) pleasing papa Everybody (Everybody Everybody Everybody) needsa love Everybody (Everybody Everybody Everybody) pleasing papa Everybody (Everybody Everybody) wantsa papa’s love

Things have got to be bad. really really bad. Worse for the people, the better for you. No need to wait around. Bits of trouble abound Stoke the fire til it sparks And bills are coming due There's no money in the purse. Things are bad and getting worse Papa gotta be big Papa gotta be tough Papa gotta be strong So I hope like it rough

Papa gotta draw the line he gotta be gruff Cry uncle to the papa, when you’ve had enough

Papa… I’m a poor little lamb Papa… and I’m stuck in a jam Baby… All you gotta do is say: Papa… Papa lead the way There’s tax increase and dead police, and trouble in the middle east There’s crime, and gangs, and wolves with fangs But papa will protect you There’s liberal obscenity and stealing your identity There’s acid rain, and hurricanes But papa will protect you Papa… I’m a poor little lamb Papa… and I’m stuck in a jam Baby… All you gotta do is say: Papa… Papa lead the way Papa gotta be big Papa gotta be tough Papa gotta be strong So I hope like it rough Papa gotta draw the line he gotta be gruff Cry uncle to the papa, when you’ve had enough Everybody (Everybody Everybody Everybody) pleasing papa Everybody (Everybody Everybody Everybody) needsa love Everybody (Everybody Everybody Everybody) pleasing papa Everybody (Everybody Everybody) wantsa papa’s love

(PA signals applause) CS: Thank you. Papa loves you. I kiss you all. JP: How about that, folks? Generalissimo Carlo Supremo! Shall we take a break?

(PA signals thumbs up) CS: Si--sounds good. A momentito. JP: And what’s up next?

CS: Ah! Next we have a tasty treat for everyone, from a guy who’s name always packs the house. Mmmmm! What is it? Stick around to find out. >>>>>>>>>>>>>> (INSERT SCENE) BREAK?? >>>>>>>>>>>>>

CS: A couple years ago we introduced a new cooking segment to the telethon. Family favorite recipes. JP: Yes. I thought this was a nice addition. Erdogan made a splash butchering a lamb on stage. Bold choice. CS: And Victor Orban was here last year, with a goulash that was delicious. Maybe a little too much paprika for my taste, but don’t tell him I said so. That’s a guy who’s not so great with criticism. JP: I think that kid’s got great potential. We should keep an eye on him. CS: We had a lot of requests to bring that segment back. Well we got someone very special for you tonight, here to share an old family recipe. His father was father of the fatherland, and world domination is in his blood. Ladies and gentlemen, please snap to attention and put your hands together for little Timmy Hitler!

(band plays jazzy “deutschland über alles” tag, and LITTLE TIMMY HITLER enters with small suitcase)

CS: Hello, little timmy. How are you today? LITTLE TIMMY: Bored. CS: Oh. Gosh. Really? But aren’t you excited to be on the television? LITTLE TIMMY: No. CS: Huh. (shrugs to JP, who tags in) JP: That’s a nice outfit you got there. LITTLE TIMMY: Whatever. JP: Whaddya got in the suitcase?

(out comes hitler puppet. Shy at first) JP: Is that a little friend?

(JP goes to coochee-coo the puppet, but puppet springs to life aggressively) LITTLE TIMMY: (through Puppet) Vernichten! Ausrotten! Vertilgen!

(JP pulls hand away)

You will salute der fuhrer! JP: Oh. I see. (mini heil. Shrug to CS, who tags back in) CS: So you are going to share a family recipe. LITTLE TIMMY: yah. CS: Okay. This is a family favorite? LITTLE TIMMY: Yah. CS: Okay. And what is it. LITTLE TIMMY: Goat. CS: Goat, huh? That’s a bit unusual favorite for a little boy. Okay… well… we’re just going to leave you to it then.

(CS & JP exit) Little Timmy Hitler sings Recipe for Scapegoat

(CS & JP enter, yodeling in the background) CS: Well well. You’re a little bit of a scary child, aren’t you. LITTLE TIMMY: Father says “your next.”

(runs offstage) CS: Wow. That kid is something! He’s a little... JP: He’s a little asshole is what he is. CS: I don’t think he needs any help from us. JP: What he needs is a spanking. CS: Well, I’m a war criminal, and I’m not sure I’m up to that task. (pause) I tell you, though… there’s something about that youthful energy. That optimism. That confidence. ...Reminds me of us, when we were starting out.

JP: Listen to you. Talking like it’s over. I’m telling you we’ve still got it. We could have a second act. We got a bum rap in that trial. We still have supporters. We could be bigger than ever. (sings)

Now we're gonna be big time Now we're gonna have our day Now they'll say that we were right all along Or we're gonna make em pay. We are the tyrants We are the giants And they’re playing our song

CS: (sings) Now we're gonna be big time Now we're gonna prove em wrong Now we'll make our countries great once again And you better come along We’ve been aggressive We’ve been oppressive And they’re playing our song

JP: They'll write about us in the history books.

CS: We'll have em lie and say we were not crooks.

JP: Whenever people say we stole the crown We will not frown we'll say Forget the rest We were the best damn dictators of our day

BOTH: And if someday they doubt us If they question the choices that we made Rest assured our descendants will find them Even from our graves we’ll make them pay

(music shifts to up tempo. LITTLE TIMMY dances onto stage and begins to sing) LITTLE TIMMY: (sings)

Now we're gonna be big time Now we're gonna have our day Now they'll say that we were right all along Or we're gonna make em pay. We are the tyrants We are the giants And they’re playing our song

(CS & JP join in, all three singing and dancing)

Now we're gonna be big time Now we're gonna prove em wrong Now we'll make our countries great once again And you better come along We’ve been aggressive We’ve been oppressive And they’re playing our song

JP: They'll write about us in the history books.

CS: We'll have em lie and say we were not crooks.

LITTLE TIMMY: Whenever people say we stole the crown We’ll double down and say

ALL: We were the best damn dictators

CS & JP: Just a couple of Trick-tators

LITTLE TIMMY: Sick-tators

JP: (Solo aside) Some would even dare to call us Prick-tators

ALL: Best damn dictators of our day

(Curtain falls, or they all dance off stage.)

ANNOUNCER: (V.O.)This portion of the Tyrants of Tomorrow Telethon has been brought to you by______. Remember--when you need a ____, ______is ________. PA: We’re going to take a short break, and we’ll be back in a few minutes with the next part of the telethon. Feel free to get and stretch your legs.

>>>>>>>> Break (intermission?) If no intermission, insert BREAK SCENE PA: We’re ready to get started, here. During the break I had some requests for more glasses. So I’m going to make an exception, and give you another chance. Did anyone get left out earlier, who would like to make a donation? To show your support before it’s too late? (collect money and hand out glasses, if so.) Okay. Let’s get started. Standby on set. (into headset) Standby music. Ready camera one. We are going live on air in three, two--(silent “one”) >>>>>>>>

JP: We’re going to start with a sing along. Yes? Get you warmed up. Remember--we all have to do our part. We can’t do our thing without your help. Right? I say it you repeat. Yes? Like this... Me (gestures to himself and sings) da da dee da da da dum. And then you (gestures to Audience and sings) da da dee da da da dum. (gestures to himself and sings) da da dee da da da dum.(gestures to Audience and sings) da da dee da da da dum. (Call and response, as PA holds up placards with words for each new line) JP:

We don’t know which way to steer We don’t know which way to steer And you gotta lead the way And you gotta lead the way We are paralyzed by fear We are paralyzed by fear And you gotta save the day And you gotta save the day

Everybody together now! (PA holds up placards with words)

We’re just a stupid population Run by selfish greed We’re just a Dummy Nation We’ll follow if you lead

(Call and response) pick our leaders with a system pick our leaders with a system We don’t even understand We don’t even understand Cannot see where we are heading Cannot see where we are heading Cause our heads are in the sand Cause our heads are in the sand

Everybody! We’re just a stupid population Run by selfish greed We’re just a Dummy Nation We’ll follow if you lead

(Call and response) We repeat the crap they tell us We repeat the crap they tell us We believe what we’ve been told We believe what we’ve been told We will buy the crap they sell us We will buy the crap they sell us And will like what we’ve been sold

And will like what we’ve been sold One more time!!

We’re just a stupid population Run by selfish greed We’re just a Dummy Nation We’ll follow if you lead

(CS enters, applauding)

CS: Wowee. That’s amazing. You are so well trained. (aside to JP) I think you are right--we CAN do this! JP: What’d I tell you? CS: Let’s bring out our next guest. Some call him a Serbian National hero, some call him the Butcher of the Balkans. We call him Slobo the show man, and he’s got a routine for us tonight. Slobodan Milosevic, ladies and gentlemen. Come on out.

(SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC enters, dancing.) MILOSEVIC: “Butcher of the Balkans??” Come on guys. Why you gotta be so mean? Sad emoji, sad emoji, bullet-to-the-back-of-the-head emoji. Hahaha--just messin witchyas! “Butcher?” Pfff--musheriff, musharraf, right? He said, she said… unless your an ethnic minority in Bosnia, in which case you don’t say anything it all. Because you dead. Nature of genocide, am I right?? Hahaha--what? Too soon? You know I was on trial for war crimes. It’s true. I cannot dispute this. During trial, man sits me down, brings in all evidence. He show me photo of mass grave in Kosovo. I say-- “these people, they eat poison mushrooms.” And they run test. Sure enough, find poison mushrooms. Brings picture of another grave. Again, test shows: poison mushrooms. But then, picture of third grave, everyone is shot in head. He says “How do you explain this?” “...they wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.” What? Still no? Okay, no genocide jokes. Tough crowd, guys. (seeing PA) Oh! Check out this little number. Hot-to-trot-emoji! Come on over here, and I’ll show you my Serbian-eggplant emoji! Heyoo! Come on. Dance with me. We’ll tear it up like Yugoslavia. Come on, Baby. JP: Speaking of dancing, weren’t you going to share some soft shoe, Slobo? MILOSEVIC: Sure sure. (aside to PA) I’ll be catching up with you back stage, baby. (out) Here we go. The slobo shuffle. Check it!

(MILOSEVIC goes into a soft shoe routine.once it establishes, lights shift, isolating PA downstage. This is a stylistic shift in the show. She faces the audience.)

PA: I’ve had just about enough of these futher mucking dictators walking around like they rule the world. (music begins) I was taking it in stride until this guy. Even his name gives me the creeps. Milosevic. First name Slobodan (she sings)

Dictators in the history books are all the same: each one's a jerk Ceausescu and Hussein, the two were lazy and they did no work Pol Pot and Gaddafi were both crazy. they went berserk. if not for turkish coffee, we’d gloss right over Ataturk You give away your power all at once, or by degrees But they attack you now on many fronts like a slow disease. Do nothing when the symptoms first begin, and you get a rash It grows like something itchy on your skin, you want to scratch

Adolf and Benito Same with Josip Tito... Scratch the itch We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic.

We saw it happen in the eighties in Iraq--with Saddam Hussein By the nineties he was leading an attack on his own terrain In the two thousands he took a lot o’ flack cause it was and going down the drain Even now the country’s out of whack, and people there are still in pain Sometimes the people choose like Karimov, in Uzbekistan They’ve instigated coups from Yugoslavia to Kazakhstan From Bosnia, Bulgaria; Romania, Afghanistan To Serbia, Samaria; Albania and Pakistan

When you think of Zimbabwe Imagine Bob Mugabe And Scratch the itch! We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic.

Go ahead... scratch it. Think that’s unfair? …try Robespierre! Go ahead and scratch it. Or go to bed and dream of Charles Taylor with a hatchet

They tried Diplomatic tactics in the Congo and Liberia It got a bit Didactic in the Balkans and in Syria sanctions couldn’t stop them in Zimbabwe and Namibia Embargos couldn’t topple them in Cuba and in Libya

You think the East is neato? Have tea with hirohito!

Scratch the itch We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic A billion people CAN be wrong bout Mao Zedong! Scratch the itch! We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic To not go after ho chi min Would be a sin! Scratch the itch! We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic. People held Against their will By Kim Jung-il Scratch the itch! We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic. No pinot noir for Pinochet. No fucking way. Scratch the itch! We all agree that life's a bitch with Slobodan Milosevic.

Sing with me! Milosevic! Milosevic! Milosevic! Milosevic! Milosevic! Milosevic! Just think of that son of a bitch And scratch the itch

(lights shift back to “normal” as MILOSEVIC is finishing his soft shoe routine.)

CS: Wasn’t that a treat? Slobodan Milosevic, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks for joining us,, Slobo.

(MILOSEVIC exits, with a wink to PA on his way out. Once he is gone, PA follows him off stage.)

JP: Love him or hate him, you have to admit he’s got some moves, huh?

(Loud noise off stage) JP: Ayayay, what was-- (PA runs back onstage) (NOTE: does she have something of his? What? How do we reconcile his being so NORMAL looking with the disguise concept at the end?) PA: The catering cart just fell down the stairwell. CS: Was anyone--? PA: --it’s Milosevic. He was just grabbing a snack when it happened. He’s dead.

(JP & CS gasp.)

CS: Not Slobo! What a way to go. JP: ...He did love craft services. CS: So tragic. Let’s observe a moment of silence.

(As CS & JP bow their heads, lights shift again to isolate PA downstage.) PA: Tragic?? Seriously? That guy was a total prick. And sure--you can take me to task for the potentially questionable morality of crushing with a craft services cart, but I say the world is better off. My conscience is clear. He was a monster. And talk about monsters--this next guy is terrible. I have an idea of how to… “improve the world” again, but I’ll need some help. Would any of you be willing to lend a hand. The guy is all about the meet and greet. All about shaking hands and kissing babies. And I just happen to have… let’s see… wait a sec. (PA runs off stage, and a moment later returns, with baby dolls.) Good. (identifying audience helpers in nose-glasses) You and you--you will help? You won’t get in trouble--you are in disguise. (handing out babies) Now I need you to hold this one, and you hold this one. And I just happen to have this--(pulls out a bottle clearly marked with a “poison” skull and bones)--because you should always have poison with you for moments just like this. And I’ll just put a little… (dabs poison on a handkerchief, smells it, winces, dabs baby heads, then rethinks and pours poison over the baby head, and the hand of the people holding babies.) That won’t stain, but you’re definitely going to want to wash your hands before eating. Great. So when the moment arrives, just stand up and say “kiss my baby” and make sure he kisses the POISON BABY HEAD. (gives big “thumbs up” and “shhh” and “OK” signs to audience.)

(Lights shift back. Moment of silence ends.) CS: He will be missed. JP: By a small but loyal cadre of right-wing serbian nationalists. CS: (smiling about this Slobo-ism) Musheriff, musharraf. PA: Herr Goebbels is ready. CS: Our next guest is not a dictator himself, but has contributed so much to the cause. We are thrilled to have him here. We can all learn a lot from this guy, so listen up. Here he is: Hitler’s minister of propaganda, Joseph Goebbels.

(GOEBBELS enters) CS: Welcome, Herr Goebbels. GOEBBELS: (correcting pronunciation) Goebbels

CS: (attempting to adjust) Goebbels GOEBBELS: Goebbels CS: Welcome, Mister G. PA: You have some fans here tonight. GOEBBELS: Ahhh, how nice! I always have time for my fans. (crosses to audience, shakes hands) Good to see you. Pleasure. Nice to see you. (spots baby) And who’s this cutie? (kisses baby) Oh--and this one! (kisses another baby, etc) JP: Lots of fans. Terrific. Step right over here. So. Herr-- So Mister G, let’s talk about the work you do. Some of the top guys in the field are the ones who have a real command of oratory and message. Great performers. Your guy especially. In public we see the finished product. They make it look easy, but you are back there working with them first behind the scenes, crafting that message, polishing the performance. Can you let us in on some trade secrets? Give us a peek behind the curtain. What tips can you share. GOEBBELS: Repetition and Commitment. JP: Right. GOEBBELS: Repetition and Commitment. (pause) I know it sounds simple. But it applies to so many things. Find a slogan that sounds appealing, for example, and commit to it. Repeat it over and over. Empty promises? Fine. Lies? Fine. Truth? Fine. Just commit to it and repeat it often enough, and it will be successful. CS: Are you telling people to lie? GOEBBELS: Obviously you all lie. But I'm not talking about stretching the truth. I'm not talking about little lies. I'm talking big, brazen, bald-faced LIES. Not versions of the truth. Try the opposite. Whatever bad things people say about you, say about them. And with enough commitment, it isn’t a lie. It’s the truth of the moment. And that can change. You can say whatever you want, as long as it’s not exactly what you mean. You don’t have to follow through on anything, so you can be completely free. You just have to commit to what you’re saying. CS: Whatever that might be. GOEBBELS: Say everything that people want to hear. (points to someone in the audience.) You. What do you want? Support me and I will give you that. Promise everything. (another person) What do you want? Support me and I will give you that. (another person) Insult me. Go

ahead--insult me. (they do) That’s a lie. I’ll tell you who is that--you are. (says the very same thing about the person.) Let’s work on committing to what we say. (he gets a volunteer from audience--someone with nose-glasses, hopefully--they join on stage) First we’ll shake out some tension--shake your arms, legs, torso. Now up on tippy toes and deep breath in, hold it, and exhale “ahhhhhhhh” and relax down. Now stretch the face-- streeeetch it out. And say “goebbels, goering, goebbels, goering” Nein--goebbels (correcting pronunciation) oh forget it. Okay and now say some promise to the people. Bigger promise. Again. Dig in. Again. Believe it. Again. Sell it! Say it like you mean it! Better. Have a seat. This is such important rule, people. Especially for anyone working with ______ or legislation. Remember… (sings)

If you sell it, they'll buy it. You can do it if you try it Never say what you mean You can’t give it away But you gotta sound like you mean what you said when you said it if they question it insist that you said what you meant to say You tried to call a truce When your head was in the noose They’d’ve cooked your goose But you shook ‘em loose hooray If you say it like you mean it Even if they don’t agree If you say it like you mean it They believe you mean what you say The congressmen insist That your new bill be dismissed Both sides are pissed That the bill’s in disarray If you say it like you mean it Even though they’ve never seen it If you say it like you mean it They believe you mean what you say Never say what you mean You can’t give it away But you gotta sound like you mean what you said when you said it if they question it insist that you said what you meant to say So say it like you mean it if you mean to

Repeat after me: “I don’t mean what I say, but I say it like I mean it.”

ALL: “I don’t mean what I say, but I say it like I mean it.”

GOEBBELS: “They will buy it if I sell it”

ALL:

“They will buy it if I sell it” GOEBBELS:

“So sell it I will” ALL:

“So sell it I will” GOEBBELS:

All together now: ALL:

“I don’t mean what I say, but I say it like I mean it. They will buy it if I sell it, So sell it I will”

GOEBBELS: Go sell that swill! You want your bill to pass But you’re running out of gas For the bill to pass Do you kiss some ass for a “yea?” Nay! Just tell em it’s the best And the only answer’s “yes” the bill’s the best and you sell the rest all day The bill might be bull But will kill which is A-OK! Never say what you mean You can’t give it away But you gotta sound like you mean what you said when you said it if they question it insist that you said what you meant to say

(he loosens his collar, trying to breathe) If they question it inist.. Insist… if…

(he staggers, and falls to the floor, dead.) CS: Mister G? Mister G? JP: Is he…?

(CS gestures for PA to check. PA runs to body, checks for pulse. Looks to CS & JP, signals DEAD)

JP: muerte CS: (hushed) Get him out of here! We’re on live television!

(PA drags body off stage.) CS: (to audience) Well, my good friends, we’re just going to take a little break here and be right back. Uh.... Tyrant of Tomorrow. Call Now.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

JP: That was… just dropping dead like that? CS: What terrible luck! Two in the same night. Unbelievable. And just when things seemed to be going so well. JP: I don’t want to fan the flames of paranoia… but does that seem a bit… suspicious?

(PA returns, wearing Goebbels’ boots?) PA: I put him with Milosevic. CS: I think we move on quickly, say nothing. Always worked before. JP: Yes. Good. I like it. Who is the next guest? CS: Bob Mugabe. (to PA) Is he ready? PA: Mugabe? We’re jumping ahead of schedule, but I’ll get him. CS: We start again now. You go get Mugabe. PA: Oh I certainly will. (wink to audience) (All prep to begin. CS & JP take a couple quick slugs from vodka bottle) PA: We’re back in three, two-- (she exits) >>>>>>>>>>>>>

CS: Welcome back to the Tyrants of Tomorrow Telethon. We’re having a great night here in sunny… uh… JP: --Here in sunny Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. And we’re doing it all for the kids. CS: Our next guest is with us tonight because… well, because he has time on his hands. He’s recently retired as the head honcho of Zimbabwe after nearly forty years. JP: Longer than Stalin, but not quite beating out Gaddafi. CS: Let’s give a warm Tyrants-of-Tomorrow-welcome to… Robert Mugabe! JP: Mr. Robert Mu--

(A crash backstage) (What is a funny way for him to go?) CS: Oh no--it can’t be!

(PA enters, proudly wearing her latest trophy--a green sash with red and yellow border) PA: (triumphant) Mugabe will not be joining us. CS: Another quick break. Call now! Momentito. Cut! Cut! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

JP: What’s happening? A coordinated attack! CS: It’s a COUP!! JP: A coup! CS: A coup! JP: One of our old rivals? CS: Someone who knew we would vulnerable.

(PA clears her throat to get their attention) JP: This was bold. Someone audacious.

(PA clears her throat to get their attention) CS: It must be someone with resources. Someone to be reckoned with. PA: It’s not a coup! It was me! I did it. Me. It was I who ____ Mugabe. It was I who poisoned Goebbels. And yes--it was I who crushed Slobodan Milosevic under a craft services cart! For years I’ve been trying to get you to take me seriously. I AM someone to be reckoned with! And now you know the lengths to which I am willing to go!

(Pause. CS & JP burst into laughter.) JP: It’s adorable. CS: It would be sad if it wasn’t so funny. JP: She thinks she’s a big bad guy now. Like she’s a dictator! CS: How many times I’ve told you: It’s a man’s game. JP: People want a strong man. CS: A tough guy. JP: “My dad can beat up your dad.” CS: Not your MOM! JP: A manly man.

CS: It’s Vladimir Putin taking his shirt off. JP: Everyone loves Putin on a horse

(music tag “puttin’ on the ritz”) CS: I like it!

Now, if you're blue And you don't know what to do Why don't you show a bit of force Putin on a horse

JP: Yes indeed your little ego Has the need so why don’t we go Find a source Putin on a horse

CS: Thrusting manliness into its high gear.

JP: Trying hard to look like you’ve got no fear.

BOTH: Vladimir's here!

JP: Just the thing it is the right source Makes you king during your fights or Intercourse

BOTH: Putin on a horse

(They laugh and pour vodka)

PA: This is bullshit. I just murdered three notorious dudes! It was a move straight out of the fascist playbook. I ambushed people in here in my own circle--it’s like Hitler with the Night of the Long Knives.

(CS & JP burst into laughter.) CS: Like Hitler, she says! JP: She thinks she’s like Hitler. CS: You are Nothing like Hitler. PA: I majored in German studies, and then wrote my masters thesis on the corruption of mein kampf by future generations and the watering down of early nazi ideology. And straight out of

college, I spent a year volunteering in third world countries, showing at-risk communities how to organize the basis of ethnic cleansing at the grass roots level.

(Pause, then some snickering and stifled laughter) CS: Uh... I'm sorry--no that is not Hitler. JP: No. No way. CS: He never did any of that. JP: Nope. Definitely not like Hitler.

(CS & JP grab the bottle and head to exit) JP: What did I tell ya, she’ll never amount to anything.

(They exit. Lights narrow to PA) PA: (sings)

I’m an up-and-coming dictator, But I never the credit. You know the coup in Nicaragua, but not the girl who led it. I read the papers. Scan the net. I search my name, but as of yet... I haven’t seen myself compared --And it makes me insecur-er If I could see it just one time, I think that I’d be satisfied But all these years, and never once a passing reference to der fuhrer That’s the only way to persuade them that you’ve finally made the grade It’s how I’ll know: when someone says “woah--that was some full blown hitler shit there!” But I never hear it ...And it’s fucking unfair. This fucking world will know my wrath I’ve devoted my life to the dictator path No family, no boyfriend that’s fine--That’s the trade-off But can’t somebody fucking please compare me to adolf?? I rigged a state election, Pulled a switcheroo, Strong-armed a politician until the guy withdrew. I’m willing to do it. I’ll try something new. What's a girl gonna do without six million Jews?? A girl can be like hitler too Everywhere you look, Someone’s being compared. They don’t even want it, But no one is spared CEOs and Senators All think it’s a slur.

Hilary’s offended when they say it to her. “Did you hear that cashier?” “What a nazi” “He charged me for that beer?” “Such a nazi” “He said I was a cow?” “What a nazi” With all I’m doing how can they not see… it?

(Spoken) I’m missing something, right?

You can be guesome, You can be vile. Throw in a murder once in a while. Oppress populations, Imprison in the press Hold inmates for days In positions of stress Doesn’t matter your crimes, Cause you won’t make a splash In the dictator field Without a mustache.

(Spoken) Gotta love a boys club. Little boys and their little dictatorships.

Erecting taller buildings, Drilling the deeper holes hoisting giant flags Up gigantic poles They got the biggest missiles That got the longest range They got the fastest speed, but don’t you find it strange That they love to get their picture With enormous guns On their enormous ships That weigh million tons

(Spoken) Right. But I’m the one who’s missing something.

I can rally the mob. I can wear all the clothes I can put on the sash. But everyone knows Without a mustache I can’t get the dictator job They can be mad? Well I can be madder! I got a brain. I got the cash. I got a plan, But without a mustache I can’t climb the dictator ladder Say I’m a hack? I’ll give ‘em backlash! I can be tough. I can be sick. I can be rough, But I never get picked Cause I can't grow a dic--tator's moustache!

(She puts on a pair of nose-glasses.) Now they’ll see what an adversary I am. Now they’ll take me seriously. They thought it was a coup? I’ll show them a coup!

(JP & CS enter) PA: We’re ready to start.

CS: There’s something different about you. I can’t quite put my finger on it. JP: Maybe it’s the vodka, but suddenly I’m inclined to take her more seriously. huh. PA: Back in three, two-- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

JP: During our break, we were talking about the desire to have a strongman in charge. We’ve heard from several people tonight, who have talked about various strategies to manipulate and sway… some pretty subtle stuff. But we would be doing a terrible injustice to dictators if we didn’t address a much more basic tactic. CS: Sometimes you just need to make people do what you want. JP: Pure and simple. CS: Papa get’s out his stick. JP: Hell yeah. Our next guest knows a thing or two about that. CS: He wields fear like a weapon. JP: He’s known... as the butcher of Baghdad. CS: Oh come on-- “Butcher of Baghdad?” Really that’s all you got? JP: What? CS: Everything “butcher” for you. “Butcher of this,” “butcher of that”… get some new material. JP: I didn’t make it up. That’s what they call him. Get off my case. CS: Whatever. JP: (to the audience, after a pause) We’re very happy to have him-- CS: --“The Iron-fisted f...” JP: We’re very happy to-- CS: --Iraqi Balboa!” (triumphant pose) JP: Here he is: Saddam Hussein.

(They turn expectantly to the entrance, but nobody enters) PA: Yeah... turns out there was some sort of scheduling mishap. Looks like Hussein won’t be joining us. CS: But… Who’s gonna do our number with us? Who’s backing me up on “Strongman of my Heart.”

PA: Don’t worry. I’ve filled the slot. Here you go.

(she hands CS cue card with intro) CS: (reading from the card) “It is my great honor to introduce our next guest. The greatest Italian--?” (aside to audience) not my words-- “greatest Italian dictator of all time, and my own personal role model, Benito--” What the hell? PA: CUT!

(ANNOUNCER line begins and fades under) >>>>>>>>>>>>>

JP: (excited) You got Benito? For real? He’s here? Where? CS: (hushed) No! You both know how I feel about him! JP: Oh come on. I’m sure he’s forgotten about Vegas. CS: I would never do this to you. You see me bringing CASTRO out here? Of course not. I wouldn’t do that to you. JP: Look--we tried it and it didn’t work out. No harm. You were maybe a little bit immature about the whole-- CS: It was “The Generals.” Period. Not “The Three Generals.” There’s no “third general.” We agreed-- JP: We didn’t agree. PA: (overlapping loudly) Back in Three, two-- >>>>>>>>>>

PA: Il duce himself: Benito Mussolini.

(MUSSOLINI enters) JP: Duce! MUSSOLINI: Jeffe!

(They hug) MUSSOLINI: Carlo. CS: Benito.

(awkward handshake or something) JP: So good to see you! I can’t believe it. MUSSOLINI: I am here for the children. JP: Good man. Let’s get right to it--it’s an oldie but a goodie: Strong Arm Tactics. Threats and intimidation. MUSSOLINI: What can I say? It works. This is always true. CS: Well, not-- MUSSOLINI: always true. People fall into line to avoid exposure to danger. They want to hide. JP: In this day and age, though, doesn’t it hurt your image to be seen as a bully? MUSSOLINI: Pffff. They love a bully. See a small citizen. He is scared. He picks between two opponents--One is the bully and the other the one being bullied--The citizen, he wants no attention… he picks the bully. Always a little bit fear is good. This is the way you are keeping order. Now system works. CS: Yes, but is not always the-- MUSSOLINI: --Always the way. (CS walks aways) This is strength. See, Carlo isn’t always understanding. CS: Wait a just a minute! MUSSOLINI: Carlo isn’t always ready to make difficult choice.

CS: (waves hands) CUT!!

(ANNOUNCER line begins and fades under) >>>>>>>>>

PA: We have to keep this going. CS: Wait. Just wait. I’m in charge here! I decide.

(CS paces. JP leads MUSSOLINI off stage) JP: Uno momento. (he ruturns) CS (pacing, muttering) He comes here. Comes to my house. Talks to me like this? “I’m Mussolini. I’m a big shot. My voice is so strong. I’ma so elegant.”

(JP returns) JP: Get a hold of yourself. CS: I’m ina plenty of control. JP: (to PA) Can we bring him back out? (PA exits. to CS) Play nice. Look--he’s good for us. He is very talented. And he’s an amazing dancer.

(PA enters with MUSSOLINI) CS: Fine. (to MUSSOLINI) Well I hope you can sing Hussein’s harmonies for “Strongman of my Heart.” PA: Yeah… we’ve swapped that number out. Just wouldn’t work without Hussein. Thought it would be nice to do one of the numbers from the “Three Generals” show, since all three of you will know it. We’re going with “My Way or the Highway.” JP: Great choice! MUSSOLINI: (to CS) Hope you remember back up dancer part. CS: I hate that song. The choreography is ridiculous! JP: “It is a poor craftsman blames the choreography” CS: He waltzes in here, such a big shot. JP: You were always so jealous. He’s very graceful. And… and maybe dancing isn’t your… strongest thing… but you’re good at other things. We can’t all be great at everything. (pause) Although, to be fair, Benito really is quite good at most things. PA: Back in three, two---

>>>>>>>>>>

(ALL hop into places. music swells) MUSSOLINI: (sings, slow and serious)

Show em you're a big man. Show em who's the boss. Crush the competition. There's a reason that they lost. Doesn't matter if they rise up, If they get lined up by the wall It ain't the size of the lies--It's the angle they fall. The song the people sing Is about the country's glory Not how gory the path, not how gruesome the story. No one cares about the crime If the trains are on time, So You do the math.

(music changes to upbeat, his tone shifts and he moves to the music)

It’s either my way or the high way I tell ‘em that before I take em out Either you’re with me Or I’m setting your soul free But not before I make you scream and shout

(CS & JP do silly dance moves to act out this next verse) When you’re with me things are roses Sunny days and lots o’ laughs But if you cross me, cross your fingers That you don’t get the shaft It’s either my way or the high way I tell that before I string em up Ain’t nothing you can do When I put the screws to you You’ll change your tune once you’ve had enough

(In the background, CS & JP do dance moves, during which CS trips JP) Some guys try and talk it over Some guys will compromise I’d rather cut right through it By cutting out both eyes

(JP has some sort of revenge… maybe waterboards CS with vodka) It’s either my way or the high way I tell that before cart em off To avoid untimely death

you better hold your breath When I push your head into the trough Some people call it torture You can call it what you will All the folks who criticise me Overdose on sleeping pills It’s either my way or the high way Nobody has to hear it twice Either you prefer me Or you’re leaving in hurry Cause if you know me, you know I don’t play nice It’s either my way or the high way (CS & JP are exhausted by the end from trying to sabotage each other, but they strike a beleaguered final pose and the music ends)

PA: Benito Mussolini, ladies and gentlemen… and the THREE DICTATORS! [ARE WE CUTTING TO COMMERCIAL HERE? FROM HERE TO END, WHERE ARE THE “ON-AIR” MOMENTS CLARIFY THIS.]

JP: Great dancing, Benito. You still got it! CS: You like his dancing so much? (pulls out a knife and crosses to MUSSOLINI.) How you think he dances with only one working leg? JP: Okay--settle down. MUSSOLINI: Carlo, you’re such a drama queen. CS: (relaxes) yeah, I guess you’re right. (suddenly jumps behind him and slices across the back of his thigh.) Show us your moves now, Duce!

(MUSSOLINI staggers, clutching his bleeding leg.) JP: What have you done? CS: “Benito is so graceful.” “Benito sings like a bird.”

(MUSSOLINI staggers toward the exit) JP: Look what you did! CS: What I did? What you did! (grabs MUSSOLINI from behind, slits throat, and kicks him off stage.) Two Generals. Due Generale! Due Dictatore!

(PA runs off stage, and returns with MUSSOLINI’s hat. She signals that he is dead, then puts on his hat.)

JP: (to CS) You could never lived up to him, and you never will. You’ll always be a second-rate despot. CS: After all these years… You think you can just walk onto this..? There wasn’t enough room for the two of us on a single continent--you think there’s room enough on this stage? JP: You talk big. The question is: do you still have what it takes?

(CS unbuttons jacket and slowly reaches into pocket. JP mirrors him. Then, suddenly, they both draw: JP has a only a finger gun, but CS has an actual gun. Beat.)

JP: Bygones? CS: No bygones. (he shoots. JP falls to the floor. CS puts gun down. Bushes himself off, mumbling “I’lla showa you… I’lla showa the world…”)

(PA tiptoes over and picks up the gun. She takes it to JP, who is not quite dead.) CS: E poi c'era UNO dictatore. (does this all need to be “General” or “Dictator” to work?) JP: Pssst. (CS spins around) Zero dictatores. (he shoots CS, who falls to the ground.) CS: Look what you did.

(CS & JP both slump over, dead. PA steps over to JP’s body and takes his sword. She puts it on. She steps over to CS’s body, and takes...medals? She walks to center stage, where stands proudly--a composite dictators--with Nose-glasses, Goebbels’ jackboots, Mugabe’s Sash, Mussolini’s hat, JP’s sunglasses, CS’s medals --work out the right details for this -- She strikes a pose. Then another. She is the last person standing, but it ain’t right.)

PA: No. The last thing that you, the people, want is another dictator. I’m nothing like them. (She removes the visible trappings of dictatorship as she sings)

Put down the cane Take off the mask Take off the jackboots Hang up the sword We all know what dictator looks like No more disguises Take off the mask Their ways were so passe I don’t know how they’d even work today They’re too bold, and people push back on the old time tactics They see the lies. Recognize We have to revolutionize It’s the way of evolution We need a new solution Can’t look like dictators anymore No more ridiculous poses No more glasses with moustached noses I’ve unlocked the secret of it all I’m gonna get it right I’m hiding in plain sight The best disguise is no disguise at all. Now I’m gonna be big time

Now I’m gonna prove em wrong Now I'll make the country great once again And you better come along They were oppressive I’ll be progressive And they’re playing my song

(She adds a jacket, changes her hair, etc, to become a classic modern politician as she continues to sing.)

It’s time for Hope It’s time for Change It’s time to put our country first For a new day We all know what dictator looks like Those are the tyrants It’s time for Change No more weird hairdo choices No more villains with wacky voices I’ve unlocked the secret of it all I’m gonna get it right I’m hiding plain sight The best disguise is no disguise- I’m glad these guys said their goodbyes-- Cause the best disguise is no disguise at all!

(She ends in victory stance.) We’re back in three, two-- (pause) The time of tyrants is over. I am very pleased to take this opportunity to announce my candidacy for president. (The curtain falls.) >>>>>>>>>>>>>

(Little timmy hitler steps out in front of curtain for poetic epilogue)

LITTLE TIMMY: And now, before we end our little play We wish to share with you some parting thoughts: Although it’s understandable to shrink Away from all the horror in the world And easy to allow yourself to think That you would simply rather stay there curled up in your bed beneath the covers Unaware of all the others in Despair you must remember that you should Beware of comfort. It will undo you. Alas, mon chou, it feels… so very good. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(Curtain opens to reveal JP & CS in heavenly jumpsuits, handcuffed to each other) CS: (sings)

I remember, not so very long ago No punishment We couldn’t inflict No journalist We couldn’t convict Those were the days when everything clicked When we were dictators

JP: (sings) I remember, not so very long ago Whatever we’d say The people were tricked We got our way Whatever we picked Those were the days when everything clicked When we were dictators

CS: Our coffers were full And the country defrauded With guns to their heads The people applauded The coffins were set, If any protested

JP: If you were a threat, We would have you arrested

CS: No one could stand in our way Back in the day

BOTH: It was the End of an era They realized they had the power along It was the end, It was the End of an era The day, The day they caught on,

CS: The day they caught on

JP: If only the people had stayed in their place If they had stayed quiet, Minded their business But they organized, And built up a case What did we do That made them suspicious?

CS: And then the questions came And then they spread the blame And then the walls came crashing down And it would never be the same

BOTH: It was the End of an era They realized they had the power along

It was the end, It was the End of an era The day, The day they caught on, The day they caught on

(Full cast joins on stage, as the music segues directly into…)

Be-cause.. ALL (to be divided up): (sing)

They win only when you play along, dummy Give ‘em power and it all goes wrong, dummy Live it up. Don’t give it up. The time is now If you close your eyes, it’s no surprise-- That’s the way they get to power Remember everything you learned in school, dummy Ready set and go--don’t be a fool, dummy This lesson’s better than the golden the rule, dummy: They win only when you play along! Don’t settle in. Meddle in Affairs of state Gotta do your part, if we’re gonna start To make tyranny fall apart I’m gonna share a basic rule of thumb, Dummy They hammer you til you succumb, Dummy Don’t lie down--you have to overcome, Dummy Dictators rule the world when you play along Stop living in a bubble; When your out of touch we get in trouble Dictators rule the world when you play-- Don’t act like sheep and cattle; Just standing up is half the battle Dictators rule the world when you play-- When bad news is humdrum, The tendency is to go numb … But if you(we) see the signs and fail to recognize them you’re a (we’re the) dum-dum(s), dummy they can only rule the world if we play along!

(Curtain. For real.)