Nothing ElseNothing More

A Collection of Poems from 2012

Richard P. Gabriel

i

2012

Contents

Hard To Believe Feat of Domination ......................................................................................................................1In Montenegro .......................................................................................................................................................... 2Old Barn Ago ............................................................................................................................................................ 3A Man Invents His Ego ........................................................................................................................................... 4Half of My Heart ..................................................................................................................................................... 5A Table Where No One Sits ................................................................................................................................... 6All Th e People Laughed ............................................................................................................................................7No Country For Smart People ............................................................................................................................... 8Tumble on You .......................................................................................................................................................... 9Commonalities ........................................................................................................................................................ 10Vague and Dark .......................................................................................................................................................11Th e Curved Tracks to the South ........................................................................................................................... 12Little Else ................................................................................................................................................................. 13Heaviness of Sad ..................................................................................................................................................... 14How Smart Is Too Smart? .................................................................................................................................... 15Orionte ..................................................................................................................................................................... 16Very Every .................................................................................................................................................................17Convergence ............................................................................................................................................................ 18All Tired................................................................................................................................................................... 19Tired and Defeated .................................................................................................................................................20Old Barn Tales .........................................................................................................................................................21Deep In Snow ......................................................................................................................................................... 22Freshet ...................................................................................................................................................................... 23Fall Lower ................................................................................................................................................................ 24Quitter ..................................................................................................................................................................... 25On Luck ................................................................................................................................................................... 26Get Small ................................................................................................................................................................. 27Life Time .................................................................................................................................................................28Days Still Left ......................................................................................................................................................... 29Left Behind .............................................................................................................................................................. 30Th ere I Be ..................................................................................................................................................................31What Hope Looks Like ......................................................................................................................................... 32Now You Know ...................................................................................................................................................... 33Swift River ............................................................................................................................................................... 34Ludus, Inc. ............................................................................................................................................................... 35Joppa Flats It Seems ............................................................................................................................................... 36Inconclusive ..............................................................................................................................................................37Such a Deep Sadness ............................................................................................................................................. 38Regretful .................................................................................................................................................................. 39Not Tonight ............................................................................................................................................................40Th e Main Th ing .......................................................................................................................................................41Alone All .................................................................................................................................................................. 42By Th e Time ............................................................................................................................................................ 43Andrej Pejic Loves Th em All .................................................................................................................................44Th e Pessimistic Reading......................................................................................................................................... 45

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Futility ..................................................................................................................................................................... 46PDX ..........................................................................................................................................................................47JMC ..........................................................................................................................................................................48Singing in the Wires .............................................................................................................................................. 49All Th e Leaves Are Brown ..................................................................................................................................... 50Not Mine Any More ...............................................................................................................................................51Decreased Accuracy At Small Scale .................................................................................................................... 52When Your Butt Answers ..................................................................................................................................... 53Lost in Wording...................................................................................................................................................... 54Odd Fallings ............................................................................................................................................................ 55Like Kalispell Only Diff erent ............................................................................................................................... 56Flow Alone ...............................................................................................................................................................57Bridge Anomaly ...................................................................................................................................................... 58Quick Intro ............................................................................................................................................................. 59Home To Roost ......................................................................................................................................................60No More Dead .........................................................................................................................................................61Too Long Ago.......................................................................................................................................................... 62When Words Grow Apart .................................................................................................................................... 63Numbers Scribbled Too Fast ................................................................................................................................64Her, Walking Away ................................................................................................................................................ 65Quick Sick ............................................................................................................................................................... 66Homesteading ..........................................................................................................................................................67Restaurant Mysterioso ........................................................................................................................................... 68Somewhere Cold ..................................................................................................................................................... 69Up Up And Away ................................................................................................................................................... 70After It’s Drifted Away ...........................................................................................................................................71Coincidentally ......................................................................................................................................................... 72Unrepulsive .............................................................................................................................................................. 73Th e Betty White Show .......................................................................................................................................... 74How Can It Go ....................................................................................................................................................... 75Speaking Public ...................................................................................................................................................... 76Memory Ruts .......................................................................................................................................................... 77Outward / Inward .................................................................................................................................................. 78Caught In Th e Act.................................................................................................................................................. 79Google Wave Goodbye ..........................................................................................................................................80By Th e Time .............................................................................................................................................................81Th e Future is Here Not Well Distributed ........................................................................................................... 82Relative Perspectives .............................................................................................................................................. 83Potsdam Early Evening ..........................................................................................................................................84Brandenburg ............................................................................................................................................................ 85No It Was Luck Good and Bad ............................................................................................................................ 86Concerning Skirts .................................................................................................................................................. 87Shimmering .............................................................................................................................................................88Abysmality ............................................................................................................................................................... 89Purloined .................................................................................................................................................................90Eisenhüttenstadt ......................................................................................................................................................91Plain Old Simple .................................................................................................................................................... 92

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Gone For Good ....................................................................................................................................................... 93For Th ese Reasons .................................................................................................................................................. 94In Town A Night .................................................................................................................................................... 95Th ree Ends ............................................................................................................................................................... 96She Was Perfect Once ........................................................................................................................................... 97Regretfully Potsdam .............................................................................................................................................. 98In Creeping .............................................................................................................................................................. 99Passivity Craving ...................................................................................................................................................100Life As It’s Lived ....................................................................................................................................................101Next To Never ...................................................................................................................................................... 102Tired and a Half ................................................................................................................................................... 103Where Are You Headed? .....................................................................................................................................104Waltzes ................................................................................................................................................................... 105Eliminated ............................................................................................................................................................. 106Simple Meal .......................................................................................................................................................... 107Unkingdom ...........................................................................................................................................................108Rightly No .............................................................................................................................................................109High Over Me ....................................................................................................................................................... 110Circling Before Going Down ...............................................................................................................................111Bye .......................................................................................................................................................................... 112Sometimes Cold and Warmth ............................................................................................................................ 113Warm Black ........................................................................................................................................................... 114Front and Center .................................................................................................................................................. 115David Waltz .......................................................................................................................................................... 116To Me ......................................................................................................................................................................117Some Story Like Th is One .................................................................................................................................. 118Living Among Crazies.......................................................................................................................................... 119Gnatty ....................................................................................................................................................................120River Shop ............................................................................................................................................................. 121Later At Night ......................................................................................................................................................122Only If .................................................................................................................................................................... 123Loco In Th e Batho ................................................................................................................................................124Carina I .................................................................................................................................................................. 125Just Facts ................................................................................................................................................................126Crying Season ....................................................................................................................................................... 127On Th e Line ..........................................................................................................................................................128I Hate Th e Man ....................................................................................................................................................129Blueberry Hill .......................................................................................................................................................130Real Drama ............................................................................................................................................................131Danger: God Ahead ............................................................................................................................................. 132Soon For Me ......................................................................................................................................................... 133Finishing ................................................................................................................................................................134No One Worth Home ......................................................................................................................................... 135Useful Failures ...................................................................................................................................................... 136Red(less) ................................................................................................................................................................. 137Pop Goes the Journey ...........................................................................................................................................138Alabaster Is What It Is ........................................................................................................................................ 139

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I Need You More Th an Want You .....................................................................................................................140Get It? .....................................................................................................................................................................141Sigh and Sigh Again ............................................................................................................................................. 142Glass Around Me ................................................................................................................................................. 143Unbroken Cane .....................................................................................................................................................144Sail Away ............................................................................................................................................................... 145Bye For Now ......................................................................................................................................................... 146What I Learned From Pictures ............................................................................................................................147RV Bridge and Me ................................................................................................................................................ 148My Sad Th ought Tonight .................................................................................................................................... 149Open Th e Door ....................................................................................................................................................150Love Story ...............................................................................................................................................................151Away Enough For You? ........................................................................................................................................ 152Not Me, Boss ........................................................................................................................................................ 153Th e Rest For Us ....................................................................................................................................................154Warm Time ........................................................................................................................................................... 155Prayer Against ....................................................................................................................................................... 156Look Away ............................................................................................................................................................. 157Diff erences .............................................................................................................................................................158Chances To End To Start .................................................................................................................................... 159Filled In ..................................................................................................................................................................160Her Warmth ..........................................................................................................................................................161Who Needs Forever? ............................................................................................................................................ 162Wish ....................................................................................................................................................................... 163Bad Song ................................................................................................................................................................164Rivet Whore .......................................................................................................................................................... 165Jiggling Wheels ..................................................................................................................................................... 166George Takei Put It To Me ................................................................................................................................. 167Days Still Left .......................................................................................................................................................168Th e Honking Horn .............................................................................................................................................. 169All My Troubles Seem So Far Away .................................................................................................................. 170Feeling Th e Bad Day .............................................................................................................................................171And It Was Loud .................................................................................................................................................. 172Paris Th ing ............................................................................................................................................................ 173What? ..................................................................................................................................................................... 174Like Me .................................................................................................................................................................. 175Optimism .............................................................................................................................................................. 176Optimism 2 ........................................................................................................................................................... 177Optimism 2 ........................................................................................................................................................... 178In Th e Wires ......................................................................................................................................................... 179What I Learned From Failure .............................................................................................................................180All I Needs ..............................................................................................................................................................181Under Long ........................................................................................................................................................... 182Strikes .................................................................................................................................................................... 183Someone Sick At Heart .......................................................................................................................................184Metaphysics ........................................................................................................................................................... 185Places ...................................................................................................................................................................... 186

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Paradoxicalness ..................................................................................................................................................... 187First Th en Second.................................................................................................................................................188Paradick ................................................................................................................................................................. 189Draining Her Joy ..................................................................................................................................................190Fear ..........................................................................................................................................................................191Great Pains ............................................................................................................................................................ 192Bad Films ............................................................................................................................................................... 193Dietician ................................................................................................................................................................194One Two Th ree ..................................................................................................................................................... 195Fiery Innards ......................................................................................................................................................... 196Big Words or Lots of Th em................................................................................................................................. 197Paradise In Blue ....................................................................................................................................................198Savage Speech .......................................................................................................................................................199Night Listen ..........................................................................................................................................................200Just One Nail ........................................................................................................................................................ 201And Cold And Wet ..............................................................................................................................................202In Paris Once ........................................................................................................................................................203yes of .......................................................................................................................................................................204Vision Very ............................................................................................................................................................205More Th an Want You ..........................................................................................................................................206Who Huh? ............................................................................................................................................................. 207Into Th e .................................................................................................................................................................208Stop and Stare .......................................................................................................................................................209My Father .............................................................................................................................................................. 210Pentucket During the Day ...................................................................................................................................211Th e Guest ............................................................................................................................................................... 212Times Silly ............................................................................................................................................................. 213Anyway ................................................................................................................................................................... 214Top To Bottom ..................................................................................................................................................... 215Hoyt’s Hill ............................................................................................................................................................. 216Torment ..................................................................................................................................................................217An Instrumental ................................................................................................................................................... 218By A Wet Road ..................................................................................................................................................... 219Only Stop ..............................................................................................................................................................220Farm Fresh ............................................................................................................................................................ 2211+iI .........................................................................................................................................................................222Sullenity ................................................................................................................................................................. 223All Th e While .......................................................................................................................................................224Merrimack Overfl ow ............................................................................................................................................ 225In A Hole ...............................................................................................................................................................226And Th en Gone in the Tiniest Move ................................................................................................................. 227Th e Last Th ing You Read ....................................................................................................................................228A Certain Kind of Sadness ..................................................................................................................................229Here Some More ..................................................................................................................................................230By Th e Time ...........................................................................................................................................................231Ambig ..................................................................................................................................................................... 232A Trip to Skip’s ..................................................................................................................................................... 233

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Like Women, Sometimes ....................................................................................................................................234Memory All After ................................................................................................................................................ 235Tidal ....................................................................................................................................................................... 236Too Many ............................................................................................................................................................... 237A Certain Kind of Sadness ..................................................................................................................................238Number 1 .............................................................................................................................................................. 239Number 2 ..............................................................................................................................................................240On TV ................................................................................................................................................................... 241Fight No More ......................................................................................................................................................242Puzzlish ................................................................................................................................................................. 243Why Not Th at Far Away .....................................................................................................................................244Wherever Th ere Are Stones ................................................................................................................................ 245Framework .............................................................................................................................................................246Facing Bad Choices .............................................................................................................................................. 247Streaming Description .........................................................................................................................................248RIP .........................................................................................................................................................................249Soon Th e Two Are Gone .....................................................................................................................................250It Was ......................................................................................................................................................................251Dull I Know .......................................................................................................................................................... 252Foo .......................................................................................................................................................................... 253Secrets of Art and Science ...................................................................................................................................254Nobody…Nobody! ............................................................................................................................................... 255An Important Bed ................................................................................................................................................ 256Rocks Village Bridge ............................................................................................................................................ 257Adaptation .............................................................................................................................................................258Long Aside ............................................................................................................................................................. 259Finding In ..............................................................................................................................................................260Tired More............................................................................................................................................................. 261Home Of Sorts .....................................................................................................................................................262A Myth for Us ....................................................................................................................................................... 263For Now or Ever? ..................................................................................................................................................264Day After ............................................................................................................................................................... 265Small Job................................................................................................................................................................266Today At Th e Symposium ................................................................................................................................... 267Downstream ..........................................................................................................................................................268Drive Tonight ........................................................................................................................................................269It Stares ..................................................................................................................................................................270Work & Just Work ............................................................................................................................................... 271Writing 201 ...........................................................................................................................................................272Left ......................................................................................................................................................................... 273Here But Not Th ere ............................................................................................................................................. 274Hermeneutics, He Said ....................................................................................................................................... 275Photographic Memories ...................................................................................................................................... 276Over I Suppose ..................................................................................................................................................... 277Word Display Case ...............................................................................................................................................278Went Away ............................................................................................................................................................279Woods Soliloquy ...................................................................................................................................................280

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We Laid Down Th at Night ................................................................................................................................. 281Finishing Fall.........................................................................................................................................................282What Is It? .............................................................................................................................................................283Anytime ..................................................................................................................................................................284Fortune in Two Directions .................................................................................................................................. 285Tears Th ey Said .....................................................................................................................................................286New England Scene ............................................................................................................................................. 287Looking ..................................................................................................................................................................288Apartment..............................................................................................................................................................289Eastern Germany in Late Winter ......................................................................................................................290Foggy Falls ............................................................................................................................................................. 291Unbalanced ............................................................................................................................................................292RXN ...................................................................................................................................................................... 293In Desert ................................................................................................................................................................294Slumbering Toward Bethlehem .......................................................................................................................... 295Curiosity on Hold ................................................................................................................................................296Well Tired .............................................................................................................................................................. 297Rustic French Toast .............................................................................................................................................298Done 4 ....................................................................................................................................................................299Support Puns ........................................................................................................................................................300Born Today ............................................................................................................................................................ 301Bye ..........................................................................................................................................................................302In Her Apartment Near Water .......................................................................................................................... 303On a Night Before ................................................................................................................................................304Th e Night ............................................................................................................................................................... 305So Sweet ................................................................................................................................................................306Farewell .................................................................................................................................................................. 307Of Some Sort ........................................................................................................................................................308Subterranean .........................................................................................................................................................309Hip ......................................................................................................................................................................... 310Politics Is A Small Horse .....................................................................................................................................311In Th e Night I Wish ............................................................................................................................................ 312East of a Dry Spot ................................................................................................................................................ 313Sick Sad ................................................................................................................................................................. 314Solid Retirement Plan.......................................................................................................................................... 315Recall It .................................................................................................................................................................. 316Sick Love Sick ........................................................................................................................................................317Stories Not Enough ............................................................................................................................................. 318Funny ..................................................................................................................................................................... 319Muresco My Love .................................................................................................................................................320Stairways ................................................................................................................................................................321Sweet Snow ........................................................................................................................................................... 322Past Time ............................................................................................................................................................... 323Bowl of Dust .........................................................................................................................................................324Finally A Love Poem ............................................................................................................................................ 325Getting Better ....................................................................................................................................................... 326Mush Blocks .......................................................................................................................................................... 327

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A Bad Desire..........................................................................................................................................................328Th eir Heads Craned Up ....................................................................................................................................... 329On Fire ...................................................................................................................................................................330A Rock and Fear ....................................................................................................................................................331Light Up ................................................................................................................................................................. 332And A Story .......................................................................................................................................................... 333Writing As Usual ..................................................................................................................................................334I’ve Said It All ........................................................................................................................................................ 335Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu Revision ....................................................................................................................... 336Nothing Electricity............................................................................................................................................... 337How I fi gured It .................................................................................................................................................... 338Fortunate Cliff ...................................................................................................................................................... 339Riviera Sunset .......................................................................................................................................................340Found Out ............................................................................................................................................................. 341Listen To Th e Radio ............................................................................................................................................342In A Church Near Poland ................................................................................................................................... 343Somewhere North, You Th ink? ..........................................................................................................................344Fear ......................................................................................................................................................................... 345Trash Talk Day .....................................................................................................................................................34612/12/12 ................................................................................................................................................................ 347Blue and Snow and Tree ......................................................................................................................................348Under Tree ............................................................................................................................................................349It Works Anyway .................................................................................................................................................350High Over Me ........................................................................................................................................................351Merrimack, Th e River .......................................................................................................................................... 352Chunking Progress ............................................................................................................................................... 353Deconsaturation ...................................................................................................................................................354Lose Your Faith ..................................................................................................................................................... 355DDR Is Simple ..................................................................................................................................................... 356A Novel Without A Book .................................................................................................................................... 357Up Th ere Alone ....................................................................................................................................................358Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum ...................................................................................................................................... 359Weeps .....................................................................................................................................................................360Nothing Ever Built ................................................................................................................................................361Remember Th is Or Write It Now ..................................................................................................................... 362Splatt ...................................................................................................................................................................... 363Chauvet ..................................................................................................................................................................364Oh La La ................................................................................................................................................................ 365On Th e Last Day ..................................................................................................................................................366

1

January 1, 2012

Hard To Believe Feat of Domination

one year / and during that year one daythe wind midwinter came up from the northjust as one leaf fell from the tall oakat the far end of the old bridgeand the leaf blew down the center of that bridgefrom one end to the othera length akin to a good lifewhen shrunk to oak leaf sizeI would have been there to see ithad fi nal feeling been fartherupstream / the river that fl ows beneath

2

January 2, 2012

In Montenegro

in a small plaza in a small city in a small countrytoo far east to be in the public’s mind a part of Europea small statue sits on a resolute pedestaland though no one knows who sculpted itand what it means though it seems to be a manor a manlike fi gure from fantasythe sculptor had more skill and talentthan me even though his labors werefew and mine many

3

January 3, 2012

Old Barn Ago

I could push the big barn door asideinside the main spine was wide enoughfor a full hay wagon and a pair of wide horsesone side for cows and a small coopthe other for half and feed / lots of toolsand what passed for indoor plumbingjust a fancy wood seat and coverand a drop down below the barnwhere cow piss collected and drainedby ditch to Cobbler’s Creekyou could love in the haybales or looseno one worried about fi re thoughall were carefuland for all that it’s allgone and nothing of it will returnno matter how much love is pored into it

4

January 4, 2012

A Man Invents His Ego

no one more ridiculousthan the man who mistakeshis inventions for the laborof mankind

5

January 5, 2012

Half of My Heart

on a small stage in a part of the barbuilt off the back of the fi rst fl oorstreet level but fi ve stories above the back lotseparating the old factory from the river wall and river beyondthe band has set up and the drummer seems to be poundingbut the sound is slight and tightof his drums as if sheathed in lambskinthe guitars are strumming but each stringis muted by the meat of a hand’s heelthe woman’s voice weaves above the tick of rhythmand soothing short strums setting downjust to the left or to the right of the beatand running over the ends of linesand by her face I can tells she’s not in this northeast river townbut somewhere where boots are the real walkand the moon owns the long nights above the wineof cut grass and wheat / her hand in minewe walk to the back of the day

6

January 6, 2012

A Table Where No One Sits

time to inventa new woman who is cryingin the rain on a small streetin the cold part of Parisas the apartments around herdarken for the onset of quick warm sexthen a night of warm sleepingbut she / her skin won’t behaveher heart rings a phone when no one’s homethe guitar she hears is out of tunejust this little bit but she nods along anywayand stillshe is cryingcrying all night

7

January 7, 2012

All Th e People Laughed

my past dissolves each daysome hard bit turns softthen fl oats awayor crumbles into light dirtthe hard eff ort my father put into his creationsis no match for time’s strong laughterevery nail he hammered weepsas it’s pulled from its dried out beamhe never knew how to build houseshe invented all that

8

January 8, 2012

No Country For Smart People

the country I live inhas given permission to its citizensto be as stupid as they likeand by god they are taking advantage of itlike a banker on a foreclosure binge

9

January 9, 2012

Tumble on You

there is a blend of red and pinkin the sky tonightno one with a phone can keep it to themselvesthe wires are hot with word spreadingas the night cools the comments drift awayto the West I supposeaside from the sky-made excitementeverything is so predictable

10

January 10, 2012

Commonalities

when all you have is a thin wisp cloudin front of a full moonthe thought of romance fl ies out the window

11

January 11, 2012

Vague and Dark

imprecision grabbed the spotlighteveryone was illuminatedjust that little bit

12

January 12, 2012

Th e Curved Tracks to the South

I suppose it’s snowingunder trees little islands persistI pretend I’m there lighting a small fi reoutside a shelter I made from pine boughsthe snow will cover it in my dreamsand I’ll stay warm all through the snowy nightonly once will I wake when a train not far off sounds and sounds as it passes me byonly that one time will I wake

13

January 13, 2012

Little Else

Snooks learned her dog door lateshe would sniff and search its edgespushing with her nose until she was surethen in or outout into the woods to chase what she couldback in for food and water a warm place to bed downwhen she grew too old to run my fatherput her down and we buried her in the backmost fi eldwhile he did it down in the back yard and she cried outI lay in my bed upstairs just abovemy memory is as clear as a memory can beof this

14

January 14, 2012

Heaviness of Sad

tonight is the secondin a row of total despaira screwup in my medication deliveryand I worry about having to do withoutfor months / these are things that happenmore frequently and I fi nd myself in tearsmuch more

15

January 15, 2012

How Smart Is Too Smart?

today I found what was lostI had put it in the place I knewI would eventually look intothe suitcase yet unpacked frommy last trip / today I went tounpack it and there…

16

January 16, 2012

Orionte

when things started to fall apartI was listening to a mournful electronic songwith piano composed and played in an old countryits design was to mesmerizeto calm downso that the end unlike a surprisewas a completion

17

January 17, 2012

Very Every

every day the struggle is harderevery day a new curveballtoday it’s news of the audit

18

January 18, 2012

Convergence

look at the farmold and inherited from several ages earlierlook at my grandparentskilling each other and drinking to killlook at my parentsfailures in every sense the smartest man can think oflook at me

19

January 19, 2012

All Tired

sitting here writingI realize my day has come and goneand what little is leftwill barely carry me to the end

20

January 20, 2012

Tired and Defeated

dark and stormy nightI fell asleep in front of the tvafter a heavy meallike an old platform collapsing

21

January 21, 2012

Old Barn Tales

the old jitney pulled the metal treaded wooden wheeled wagoninto the barn where my father threw bales up to meand I stacked them quick and straighthere on the bale side / the other the loose hay sidesoon I was up to the fi rst layer of rafters and thereI sat waiting for the next load and cooling off sweat in my t-shirt stinking of almost dry haymany years later this memory would be stripped from meand though it’s likely accurate / true evenit’s made up just like everything is

22

January 22, 2012

Deep In Snow

shaping up to be a lousy yearworking on what I care nothing aboutwhen time is short it becomes preciouswhen time is long it’s just as preciousbut a precious of a diff erent color

23

January 23, 2012

Freshet

I pretend I can be lovedand then as suddenlywe’ve gone to dinner and she is in my roomrain outside and cold from a winter nightshe stops and stands in front of my chairI bend to her belly and kiss it and just thenthe ages blend and the backs of my fi ngersare like the smallest wind on the warmest dayfl oating almost just above her back and down toward her heelssomewhere in the middle the song begins

24

January 24, 2012

Fall Lower

in any scene worth rememberingworked out in fi ction or in the mindsof men there is always the one left behindor sinking in the river or fallen off the cliff by accident or diminishmentpray for yourself forone day it will be you

25

January 25, 2012

Quitter

I can almost not stand it any morewaves of obligationsall in confl ictall stressed as importantwhen can I give up

26

January 26, 2012

On Luck

on a sunny days she satwith her friends in from of her high schooland unsmiling never thought I’d seeher that way

27

January 27, 2012

Get Small

in a small world people can be smallthere are no reasons to try to climbor climb over / I would be smallif only I had just the things I needand a computer to write withI would be the smallest thing ever

28

January 28, 2012

Life Time

a long and constant stillone rough stroke of hard winda long and constant still

29

January 29, 2012

Days Still Left

when I imagine talking to my motherwe don’t say important thingswe don’t discuss each otherin fact nothing we say illuminates the otherso how if we are typicalcan anyone know

30

January 30, 2012

Left Behind

I used to worry that I wasn’t be asked enoughthat people didn’t appreciate my talentnow that it’s proven I have little or noneI don’t mind the dust kicked uppebbles thrashing the road around methe specular sunset seen through themas the car of everything peels out and away

31

January 31, 2012

Th ere I Be

I taught myselfto paint the color of my skinwhich I did by trying all colorspainted on my skin untilI couldn’t tell whether I had painted or notthis is similar to how I learned my own voicespeaking until my voice disappearedand then there I was

32

February 1, 2012

What Hope Looks Like

homes built in hopein a dry desert and a cold onethey stand abandonedunsoldno one needs to show why buildtheir back yardslook like piles of sand

33

February 2, 2012

Now You Know

my parents were tremendous failuresbut they found a way to be simply happyI am similar but without the happiness

34

February 3, 2012

Swift River

learning to drivethey took me in Winter to a narrowmountain road with a steep dropto a swift riverand with snow still on the road I droveto where the road was closed to traffi cand back / the Volkswagen was hotfrom a poorly designed but fi erceheater driven directly from the heatof the rear engine and it smelledbeing new of paintit seems so quaint and far away

35

February 4, 2012

Ludus, Inc.

you believe you deserve otherwisethis is a house of championsit does not submit to youyou submit to itone must learn to kneel if he is ever to risea necessary lesson if you are to one day join the champions of this housethese are the words of the master to the slavethese are the words of the employer

36

February 5, 2012

Joppa Flats It Seems

the boat slips past the lasttown on a river that is black as nightand swift as a mind about to changeit heads for the vast ocean where somesay all boats launchbut near this journey’s endthe boat is fi lled with needles and old complaintsinstead of the eagles and trees spinning their lovesthe boat is up to its gunwales with the irrelevantand unneeded / the boat if it canis sad

37

February 6, 2012

Inconclusive

the whole world came byand made a mess by paying lessattention than a moth to the dark sideof the roomtwo words were saidand one was no

38

February 7, 2012

Such a Deep Sadness

so many young facesin the photo from 1933a high schoolhow many leftthe question tells us all we need to know

39

February 8, 2012

Regretful

just one more visittiming of curiosityand exploration

40

February 9, 2012

Not Tonight

I’ve watched her for yearswearing her long hair in a tailtonight she stood talking to her manhair down and back straightI couldn’t recognize her

41

February 10, 2012

Th e Main Th ing

her head burrowed in the spacebetween neck and shoulderher back bathed in blue coming from the imaginationof a cinematographerher hair blue in its blackwashes one way then anotheroutside the window windtempts the glass with water and fl exher hips bend forwardbend backacross it all every bitthe lighthouse fashions the scenesolid brightshe though remains undistracted

42

February 11, 2012

Alone All

wave on wavepeople fl ickering through timeall the beauty and envyall those focused no fartherthan the scale of their armseach of them fearfully gone away

43

February 12, 2012

By Th e Time

the past reals upmemories old surpass newwhen the old ways repeatthe mind digs inwhat my father made no longerlasts and I am one

44

February 13, 2012

Andrej Pejic Loves Th em All

today all the hot girls are boyseven posing for push-up bra ads in fashion magsI watched a group of beer-fi lth men fl ee in ragecrabbing backward to corner’s edgewhen they saw him cominglegs braziled waxenbut he smiled at meand all beauty became one beauty

45

February 14, 2012

Th e Pessimistic Reading

what people expect of meno longer makes senseI need to fi nd a way outor prepare for a declinein poverty

46

February 15, 2012

Futility

writing is fadingI’m feeling the bottom of the piteven as the hot tubesmake pure music like what I imaginedwhen I was just uninvolved

47

February 16, 2012

PDX

it’s rainingsomewherewherea woman is hoping sleep with fi ll herlife’s dreams with tiptoeing magicand feather tip touches just off the center of her spinerainin it’s beautiful blue night wet

48

February 17, 2012

JMC

humanity came to mein the form of a genius grievingfrom loss

49

February 18, 2012

Singing in the Wires

people write their songswith chords closeby each otherto splash that longing feellike anointing a penitentand then they sit and listenover / over in the cold roomas the heater works it upbut the walls and windowswill always remain coldcold as a C next to a B�

50

February 19, 2012

All Th e Leaves Are Brown

one supposes the low cold cloudsfi lled with snow and looking itare the reason Winters hereare lessons in middle groundor subtlety / my mind is set on walkingfrom one end of the farm to the otherthrough fi elds some and woods mostlywoods bare with gray trunks and the woodsfl oor brown and creakinglater in life this scene would be a memoryand all writing about it would sound warmerthan the scene itself which is bitterin every way something can be

51

February 20, 2012

Not Mine Any More

imagine having your own pondthat froze every year and all your friendswould come skate on itnot right next to your housebut down the road a bittakes 5 or 10 minutes to walk therea little stream coming ina little stream going outand perhaps an old beaver dam to make itI think I once tried to make a little raft thereor I should have

52

February 21, 2012

Decreased Accuracy At Small Scale

I suspectthere’s a little me inside mewho thinks bad and speaks itbut that modeldoesn’t have to payI do

53

February 22, 2012

When Your Butt Answers

To, hello, hey hello hello. Okay bye. Hello. Park. Hello. Yo. Bye. Okay bye. Bye hello. Bye. Hey, here, hey.Yeah, bye. Hello, hey. Prosper, everything is okay. Hey. Th anks, call alright.

54

February 23, 2012

Lost in Wording

something is wrongmy emails are off I say non thingsI need something

55

February 24, 2012

Odd Fallings

snow just barely harder than fl uff falling on fall leaves just barely past yellowfi lls the woods with a sharp noisesomewhere above the droppings have been formedby the up & down & up & down of rainfi nally dropping through the last layer of coldto me it’s all low clouds & a fi re waiting after all

56

February 25, 2012

Like Kalispell Only Diff erent

the genuine placescan’t be foundbecause the roads leading to themare covered by sandor fi lled in with grass

57

February 26, 2012

Flow Alone

the riveris just a pathwhat we love about itis its transience

58

February 27, 2012

Bridge Anomaly

standing at one end of the bridgefacing north one nightI watch the silhouetteof someone crossing overahead of meI wondered of ithe was once behind

59

February 28, 2012

Quick Intro

she hurried to the gymlate for her matchwhen she about to check inshe turned and openedthen she was gone

60

February 29, 2012

Home To Roost

it’s allabout to endit feels likemisery to have it likemy parents had it

61

March 1, 2012

No More Dead

sinking / falling / failinghow many roads are closing off so many mistakesI am the last vulture

62

March 2, 2012

Too Long Ago

when I look backit will never be my job that comes to mindI wanted always to the worldunimaginablybut to live is to paywhy do only people know this

63

March 3, 2012

When Words Grow Apart

I must fi nd a wayto just work and not caretreat work as a joband job as necessitynot joy / just one letterapart but one end of the alphabetto the other

64

March 4, 2012

Numbers Scribbled Too Fast

the scorecard liesbecause we score ourselveswhen the bottom bottoms outand our pace is quickestso the world slips byand by

65

March 5, 2012

Her, Walking Away

the woman walking awaybeautiful and trimher legs are baredesigned for movementthey serve attractionI fall further behind

66

March 6, 2012

Quick Sick

grievously illsleeping for more than a dayat a timethis portends the natureof endingsit seems so calm

67

March 7, 2012

Homesteading

not far from Honoluluon the west coast of the islandthere’s a tent city fi lled and decayingalways crossing the road are twodark dogs

68

March 8, 2012

Restaurant Mysterioso

they arrived irregularlyand once in their seatsthe waitress photoed them holding their IDsone upside downall over 30what did they wantwhy were they herewhy did one of them bring them each orchidswho were they?

69

March 9, 2012

Somewhere Cold

something feels not rightbody mind spiritlike the sad girlin Montréal who nevercheers up

70

March 10, 2012

Up Up And Away

the trail of smoke orvapor laboring to moveas a whole seemed to comefrom somewhere behind mebut what I saw wasit rising up and outwardno center holding any morethan any otherhow strong an imageit looked to once projectwhen it still was rising smokemaybe just curlingthen I saw it was methe part I thought so highly ofand what I was wasthe ash shellthat is always onlywhat is left

71

March 11, 2012

After It’s Drifted Away

helloI am the personwho used to beRichard Gabriel

72

March 12, 2012

Coincidentally

the day she walked into the wheatgrass barwas the day I walked out of the wheatgrass bar

73

March 13, 2012

Unrepulsive

plans are easy to makefun to talk aboutlike gloves seeking ears to coverthe fi st of the outside oak treeis hovering above and hopingto open

against this the tree merely yawnsits leaves open to the sunopen to the rain

74

March 14, 2012

Th e Betty White Show

the tv won’t stopI’ve watched it all my life and I’m oldsome tv stars from when I fi rst remember itare still onBetty White for oneold showswhen I watch them noware fresh but boringbecause they repeat their thingsthe best thing about new tvis the pictures are really clearI remember watching horror moviesthat were nothing but a dull shadowagainst snowand wobbly soundI’m old all right

75

March 15, 2012

How Can It Go

behind my housethere was a rushing stream one yearI was surprised to fi nd itand going back years laterI never did again

76

March 16, 2012

Speaking Public

how tired can you getwasting awaypeople who fan for youyou read onyour voice faltersthey believe it frailty of old agethey love youyou remain

77

March 17, 2012

Memory Ruts

will the bridge spring backafter repairs that tear it apartheld together as I knew it since a childsince my mother was a childsince her parents crossed iton the trip to the farmthe fi rst timemaybe there’s a history thereI could inventand wear like memoryruts into my mind

78

March 18, 2012

Outward / Inward

rolling onward with workthat doesn’t matter to anybut me and soon cut looseI will need to fade

79

March 19, 2012

Caught In Th e Act

hard work todaybad news tonight

80

March 20, 2012

Google Wave Goodbye

when you become the producteverything about you is soldsome parts are like the infi nite copiescomputers can make of some thingsothers have side eff ectsand those parts are never retrieved

81

March 21, 2012

By Th e Time

I once watched her packup and drive off and when the call cameher asking how to fi x the car that wouldn’t startI tried to helpyears later when she wanted meshe couldn’t believeI would really go

82

March 22, 2012

Th e Future is Here Not Well Distributed

one way you know you’re dyingis that turning away feels fi nefeels like a relief does notfeel like abdicationI feel it nowevery few daysfor a few seconds

83

March 23, 2012

Relative Perspectives

she is up in her apartmentwriting text messagesquickly with her thumbsshe feels like nothingdown her she looks likethe beginning of creation

84

March 24, 2012

Potsdam Early Evening

here women wear their skirts tightin layers sometimes with a doseof hose / surely they have modeledthe look they trail as they walk awaybecause they walk away without thoughtor self-indulgence / instead to letnature nurture the thoughtsmen might have if only

85

March 25, 2012

Brandenburg

quite specialshe walks awayher sights are set on the lonely bottommy heart is dreary tonightas my glass unfoldsand the tight skirtsnever noticethe longing

86

March 26, 2012

No It Was Luck Good and Bad

wanderingseeking his hotelin another’s landwith another’s languagemiles awayholding a maplooking into the darknessthrough the most improbablewe stumbled on himnot knowing he was lostnot knowing anythingand we coaxed him into the carand drove him to his bed

87

March 27, 2012

Concerning Skirts

a little toois better than a littleless

88

March 28, 2012

Shimmering

today it wasthe white / blackgoth girl

89

March 29, 2012

Abysmality

did I tell youthere is nothing left of meand you arethereforetoo late

90

March 30, 2012

Purloined

I am fi lled with itthe urgency of long ago lossthe days of it are all overI am fi lled

91

March 31, 2012

Eisenhüttenstadt

beautiful woman with redhair intensive redshe has the old model Russian cityby themand when she disappears in its innnermostPlattenbau apartment complexthe fate of worlds collapse to justthis offi cious red one

92

April 1, 2012

Plain Old Simple

where I live the ways of livingare simplebecause the lines of sight range to the far distantand machines can be made only simplethe songs say it just oncebut underline with 4ths and 9thsthe diffi culty of which I speaknever made it to the plains

93

April 2, 2012

Gone For Good

here in PotsdamI’ve discharged obligationsand stand readynever to return no matterhow strong the pull

I told him directly to let me goif I need to / not to tempt me back

94

April 3, 2012

For Th ese Reasons

here in Potsdamit’s like thislayers and tight leggingslit but invisible garret windowspomp under all circumstancesmany who walk awaywithout reasonbut away anyway

95

April 4, 2012

In Town A Night

so one night I drove downthe darkest street in the darkest townlooking to fi nd the perfectdistraction and insteadI found a clever place to sit and watchwomen wonder whenit would be their turn

96

April 5, 2012

Th ree Ends

the beauty of technicalwords and scientifi c onesis their rhythm as ifthey were made by nymphs not nerds

97

April 6, 2012

She Was Perfect Once

I once loved a womanso perfect and so hardthat to this daythat she returned nothingstill hurts enoughto cry

98

April 7, 2012

Regretfully Potsdam

fog on the lake lurks likethe longing I feel for loveslong past

99

April 8, 2012

In Creeping

something funny happenswhen two sticks rubbed togethercan’t control the fi re they startand the wonders of the disorganizedare really just a wander away

100

April 9, 2012

Passivity Craving

I need silencelots of itenough to lastthe rest of everything

101

April 10, 2012

Life As It’s Lived

someone cravingthe company of unclothedsomeone therehappily to say no

102

April 11, 2012

Next To Never

I am readyfor my public lifeto fade outand for a private lifeto beginin which what I loveis all there is

please

103

April 12, 2012

Tired and a Half

imagine being fresh then being tiredthen imagine being tired then being tiredsee?

104

April 13, 2012

Where Are You Headed?

a Friday you knowthe amtrak train in Lamylate as ever but waitingfor all to boardand counting them and naming themand off to Flasgstaff andfi nally LA

105

April 14, 2012

Waltzes

family of great happinessshattered every way it canbe / father dead of cancergrandmother dead of cancerdaughter loved beyond human passionattacked by cancer and drivenfrom her horses for over a yearand I just an observercan only cry my heart to sleepevery time

106

April 15, 2012

Eliminated

the room is coldand faintly stinkingof pipe smokeyears backand now it’s the honeydripped down through the carpetinto the boards belowand below down through ceilingand carpet and fl oor boardsdeep down into the foundationand rock below andinto the heart of beating darkness

107

April 16, 2012

Simple Meal

out just off the Santa Fe Trailhe lives with three dogs and two womenone like a mother but a wifethe other a daughter but likewith two single wides glued together with a roomand a cottagethe stage stop seemed realthe lone tree not a photo opI learned much

108

April 17, 2012

Unkingdom

I found the little passing birdthat could have been youand you weren’t

109

April 18, 2012

Rightly No

the halls aren’t deckedwithholding is substantialI am afraid of the dark wallsthat are too close like too friendsimagine the displacement

110

April 19, 2012

High Over Me

the great poets are out of wordsmaking more takes timetime is bought with great poetrynow the great poets must get bywith ordinary words preferring short to longthe new supply is not on its way

111

April 20, 2012

Circling Before Going Down

the rest of the tripis the restof a trip

112

April 21, 2012

Bye

sure I’m tiredshe had her last chanceto please and nothinghard to believe but I need to stopall’s left’s my imagination

113

April 22, 2012

Sometimes Cold and Warmth

from the bathshe walked out toward the windowoverlooking apartments bathedin cold north air and shadedby clouds heading deeper into the northI didn’t watch hercouldn’tshe wasn’t mine yether warmth wassoon it was darkand remained darkfor days

114

April 23, 2012

Warm Black

she painted mewith a brush dippedin lustwe spent days in the funnycabin tipping on the shoreof a frozen lakeoutside everything was white and getting whiterinside all was black

115

April 24, 2012

Front and Center

a lot of shorelineis wasted by the innocentslapping and splashing childrenpopulate the water withfor me slipping slowlyhead only above wateraway and toward the rock tuftnear the middle is the best betnear dusk and twilight aheadis the way to go awayfrom shore and into the great depthsthis is the way to say goodbye

116

April 25, 2012

David Waltz

let’s take away the regretlet’s peel a laugh off let’s pee as high as we canlet’s watch the great man lumber slowlyaway toward a light only he seesand has always seen

117

April 26, 2012

To Me

on a river somewherea woman sits in the grasswatches the black-seeming ripples and eddiesswagger downstreamsometimes I think she wishesI were sitting by heron a picnic table nearby maybethat the sun would slide awayand we’d fall togetherthat her head in the nest of my shoulderwould block out the bad worldthat she would open

118

April 27, 2012

Some Story Like Th is One

one time a great deep windcame up entering the Western endof a shallow valleywhen it did a young man near its Eastern endwas rising from a long sleepthe wind wound its way down the shallow valleyso easy to leave almost everyone didbut like some the old man found his way backas the great deep wind passed by he felldown asleep and there the tale endsbut not the wind

119

April 28, 2012

Living Among Crazies

some ideas should be left behindI know ideas deserve their chancesbut all of them??all of them???

120

April 29, 2012

Gnatty

when I look at the path a gnat takesI worry it has seen too muchof the same thing by circling randomlybut maybe I should celebrate his manyviews on just a few things

121

April 30, 2012

River Shop

no need to feel about itthe consummate current is riding still down valleyI’m afraid of swirling confusionsand over saturated colors

122

May 1, 2012

Later At Night

the sad songs go on too longtime to end one

123

May 2, 2012

Only If

on a street somewherewalking with a scarf on her headand a waterproof coat with rainpooled between the cobbles on a foreign streeta darkhaired woman walks to her fl atwhere she will doff it all / climb into her featherbedand dream of one day having a man like me

124

May 3, 2012

Loco In Th e Batho

the christmas catalogs arrived in Octobereven as old as 15 I would look through all the toyseach time in the bathroomI loved many of themI developed a totally absurd explanation for derailleursI coveted simple battery powered machineslike tankshalf a century laternothing’s changed

125

May 4, 2012

Carina I

on a high plateau in NM a woman w/ brightly coloredred / orange hair staredwithout expressionat the historic / dilapidated buildings in the squareher German mind could onlyreact with hazy horror

126

May 5, 2012

Just Facts

good news but hard work neededas the acceptance letter with revisionsnever arrived until the deadline for fi nal submissionand I thought I’d have time to write this weekend

127

May 6, 2012

Crying Season

darkness earlysnow early toowet streets / streetlights scatteredyellow walled buildings and cobblesa woman bringing a giftsees the wrong woman in a windowleaves the gift in the garbagerides awaydarknesssnowwet

128

May 7, 2012

On Th e Line

how do I copelistening to an hour of awardsI get them no moreI slip ever backwardanother overload and I turn it off as nobody as I can be

129

May 8, 2012

I Hate Th e Man

they are gearing upto insult me once again

130

May 9, 2012

Blueberry Hill

the little place that made memaybe once was an island I could be on nowjust a small farm but if I had it allI could survive / and maybe I wouldn’t needall the stories that keep me alive now

131

May 10, 2012

Real Drama

in the best scenenothing happenspeople stand or sit or kneel or lielook at each othersmile a mysterywith luckthe sound track is techno

132

May 11, 2012

Danger: God Ahead

the bug refused being foundit was not a wrong line or misaligned argumentbut the interaction of two processesnot thoroughly protected by transactionsI guessedsingle stepping and breakpoints provided no purchaseall this in a world of my makingand every possible powerbut instantaneous knowledge of everything simultaneously

133

May 12, 2012

Soon For Me

people will be surprisedthat someone who seemed so successfulcan disappear so fastbe revealed as a nobodyall talent questioned then denied

134

May 13, 2012

Finishing

I lack what I likenothing no way to get it backlike rocks rolling down cliff sto a hardscrabble pile below

135

May 14, 2012

No One Worth Home

I am fragilewords prop up my weak bonesthe bed feels too comfortable some nightsI might not wake on my ownif I don’t learn new onesthe old words will wear out and only vowels will be leftthat’s the hallmark of madness

136

May 15, 2012

Useful Failures

I am tangledin scientifi c dilemmasmaybe something can be learnedthat approximates science

137

May 16, 2012

Red(less)

she is away from the window nowout in the rain where the wind makes it knownthe bridge doesn’t feel but it carries her in herweakness and seekingall that’s left here(and there too)is the redness of her hairand the darkness of the underment

138

May 17, 2012

Pop Goes the Journey

sitting on the brick skirt around the fi replacebookshelves fi lled with uninteresting books but some good ones like encyclopediasif I look out the window I see the hickory and oakthe road a stonewall and one of our fi eldsthis is facing westI picture myself famous and wantednow that house is not mine and changedno one I know owns all that landI have been on stages around the worldwritten bookssome people seem impressedhow I got from one place to the otherI don’t knowI recall some steps but not allnot manyit has all tired me

139

May 18, 2012

Alabaster Is What It Is

curled upwindows openheavy rain outsideI am 15I dream of the futurenothing prepares me for foreverI am 62that day seems like a day of tears

140

May 19, 2012

I Need You More Th an Want You

the song they’ll playas whatever is left of me is loweredwherever it will golet it refl ect my head boweddeeply buriedlet it refl ect the sun red in its retreatlet it refl ect the nothing I’ve always been

141

May 20, 2012

Get It?

the rest of the writingwill wait until the wordsare ready and standingjust outside the doorthen with their dirty feetthey will stain the page

142

May 21, 2012

Sigh and Sigh Again

I found the trampled pathunworthyit led me down to a wet bendthen up to a large blueberry patchthen through a swampto a massive boulder leftfrom a catastropheall this was minenow the memory only

143

May 22, 2012

Glass Around Me

the band scrapes and clicks onstrings like bells singsome parts repeat in a decaying echofade out

144

May 23, 2012

Unbroken Cane

I walked across a bridgeI left a cane at one endat the other I found a little light

145

May 24, 2012

Sail Away

I have a smooth dislikewhat will happen nextI am gotten to the point of workingwithout passiononly for moneynothing elsenothing more

146

May 25, 2012

Bye For Now

after the snow’s mostly meltedonly white piles with black fl ecks and tiny brancheswill punctuate the forest fl oorand shady placesof all the people who could have livedyou didnow you don’tjust fl ecks are left

147

May 26, 2012

What I Learned From Pictures

when I diefi lm everythingusing a warm fi lter

148

May 27, 2012

RV Bridge and Me

next time I see itthe bridge will be closedgetting from one side to the other a half-hour aff airwill it ever be the sameor just another piece of the pastlong ago closed to access

149

May 28, 2012

My Sad Th ought Tonight

maybe there isno warm place on the riverbank for meanymore and instead the black waterwill draw me into its cold dark

150

May 29, 2012

Open Th e Door

there is a warm day aheadsomewhere some timeblues skies all thatmaybe somewhere whereblue means somethingelse / more of it e.g.rain too Isuppose

151

May 30, 2012

Love Story

today the grass I saw on a California hillsidehad already turned a yellow brown beginningits career as a warmer of evening airand triggerer of urgent couplings

152

May 31, 2012

Away Enough For You?

one dayin a city many fantasizeI will sit on a couch in a roomhigh above wet streetswith a woman lyingwith her head in my lapand I’ll bescratching her barearm and whileI look out the rainspotted windowshe’ll look out the rainspotted windowand what I think willnot be what she thinks

153

June 1, 2012

Not Me, Boss

today someone suggestedI try to join a high powerteam and I just laughed and laughed

154

June 2, 2012

Th e Rest For Us

after a warm night under feather blanketson a feather bed with windows wet smelling of colddown this street and that alleyI stepped midafternoon the next dayand thinking that the holding and hand brushingsmeant something I entertained that they didn’tmeanwhile she was three streets over thinkingI was routinely purchasing and her pocketed handsshe touched the places I touchedand shook her head no

155

June 3, 2012

Warm Time

give me a blanketa new one to passtime in

156

June 4, 2012

Prayer Against

simple thingslike pigsthe smell of fresh cut corna road that doesn’t lead too far awaybut curves like women through the soft woodsmissing these is what it’s abouthope there’s no me to miss them

157

June 5, 2012

Look Away

sometimes the facts of the worldare hard for me to fathomas I slow and fog overor maybe it’s a kind of hardeninglike what concrete doesover the top of a coffi nwhen people want no one to everlook againat them

158

June 6, 2012

Diff erences

they challenge that I can writemake me prove it with codethis though is knowing how to write

159

June 7, 2012

Chances To End To Start

the chance to end my career as I started itworking on the very same problemperhaps in obscurityperhaps with overwhelming toolswith such a detour in betweenmaybe a good thing

160

June 8, 2012

Filled In

she followed me through twisting alleyson sidewalks lining cobblestonesin an early evening heavy rainto the boulevard and then acrossto the railing above the brown stained riverthat passes through this old citywhere things are a dripped on brownand sometimes stone red brickand once standing there looking downI saw her looking down and then at meher elbows on the rail / her hands under her chinand even in the light from nearby streetlampsI could see her green eyes reddened dry lipsand the red on her lightly blemished cheeksshe looked for a full minute my literary sense told meI looked at her for a full minute tooafter thatblank

161

June 9, 2012

Her Warmth

I kissed her goodbyeinstead she kissed me hellowhen I walked past her to leaveshe held her hand out and took mineI knew it was a dreambut I returned to it night after nightbecause the lovefi nallywas real

162

June 10, 2012

Who Needs Forever?

when old people read their poetryeven when well trained and expertly publishedthey all sound like dorks

163

June 11, 2012

Wish

I wish I could once moresit in the crook of the treeI used as a carcomplete with a compliant branchI used as a shiftin front of me a hand pumprequiring priminga wooden sluice running downto an old iron tubwhere our cows would drinkthe water was cold and clearand hard as an axe in a hard winter

164

June 12, 2012

Bad Song

always somethingthere to remind youof entropy

165

June 13, 2012

Rivet Whore

Are you scared because of bunnies?What I read here!Germans collected their taxes becausesome have threatened to call the cavalry.Before the Americans is she on her kneeproviding bank customers the knife? Typical!You have already learned this morning for the rest of the dirt—do?

And what do you do when the shit hits,evaporated before the door? Look away,turn around, run away: like the three monkeys: rivet whore, neaten the gents,the neatened zen! Heard of or seen nothing for nothing: no single medium was interested in it. Th ree monkeys—just the sort: see and say is just work? And I can assure you, I know my colleague’s ticking.Always nice grumpy? When? Read about it here soon.

166

June 14, 2012

Jiggling Wheels

will I be able to rest and enjoyor will pain and hunger ruleI watch the man with a broken cartcarry all that he is and ever will beand he looks too much like me

167

June 15, 2012

George Takei Put It To Me

I know a manabout 50 years oldhad a wife and kidnow they are “gone”and his girl is 20not his daughterhis girloh myyyy as Sulu would say

168

June 16, 2012

Days Still Left

whatever I dreams I hadnone of them matched thisso small / so awayI am again regainingall that and less

169

June 17, 2012

Th e Honking Horn

I ask myselfwhat it was like for him to cut deepinto the palm of his handwith a chainsawan accident in the woodscutting down trees for the new housewhich now is being remodeled after nearlybeing torn downand with him gonewhat is rebirth

170

June 18, 2012

All My Troubles Seem So Far Away

or the timehe ground his left index fi ngerdown to the fi rst knucklewith the planerwhen he was building the house nextto the barn and I went while he was at the hospitalto clean up the blood and found nonewas he skilledor like me

171

June 19, 2012

Feeling Th e Bad Day

been thinkingabout that farmhow I wish it were mine nowso I could go out for a walkacross my own fi eldsin my own woodsin spring the water in Cobbler’s Brookwould be fl owing fullI wonder though how much of those woodsmy mother knewand what they meant to hershe sold themafter all

172

June 20, 2012

And It Was Loud

and of course there are optimistic waysto view the past but none of them providemucho satisfaction orelse the future stutter steps out of the frayedpast is the way to look at it / considerthis the man with the greasepaint and trained catsportrayed the cats as indiff erent evenas they licked their legs and hopped from platformto chest to platform whilethe depraved man who imitated cats about to fi ghtdistracted them more like treats than threatsand the show wentstutteringon

173

June 21, 2012

Paris Th ing

I found her in the bookstoreI thought she might be a catinstead a book lept into my handhalf readI found the rhyming quite rhythmic¯

174

June 22, 2012

What?

the pretty young things singand play with traditional warmth the fadoand their self-taught style is a hootand all are engineers of some sortand not a one with no futureeven if it has to be Mozambique

175

June 23, 2012

Like Me

here the light’s rarelyspecial but my sleep cycleis intact modulo deprivationthe fi sh is fi ne and meat tenderand veggies are often softwomen stubbyeverything is old

176

June 25, 2012

Optimism

is it possiblemy run of happy poem writingis ending

177

June 26, 2012

Optimism 2

will I get homeor will this be the timeall falls apart

178

June 26, 2012

Optimism 2

will I get homeor will this be the timeall falls apart

179

June 27, 2012

In Th e Wires

I want to bethe song so sadthat fades slowbut before you know itit’s forgotten exceptits sweetness

180

June 28 2012

What I Learned From Failure

the opposite of clarityis all encompassingwhiteness and acceptance

181

June 29 2012

All I Needs

a warm placesomething to dreama sky to watcha river perhaps for air and tearsgrass underneath a little coola bird singing a pretty song

182

June 30, 2012

Under Long

some wanderlike tides sawingupstream I watch the banksfor curiosity and double crossesI welcome the calls to move onnow that my illusion meis provencall me when it’s time to sitlierepair to the soft needles of an old pine woods

183

July 1, 2012

Strikes

the pretty sceneof blue water bluesky green bridgemaybe is mostlyunseen this yeardue to sloth dueto sleepiness andthe vague stirringsof endlings beg-inning

184

July 2, 2012

Someone Sick At Heart

someone sick at heartis knockinglike a storm windon the day afterI wonder do I open the doordo I leave it slammed shutperhaps I move slowlet time solve as italways does

185

July 3, 2012

Metaphysics

a fi sh lifts from the watersoars in the air for a timedisappears back in the waterour lives are like thisexcept what’sin the water

186

July 4, 2012

Places

I noticed thisplace / the herethat defi nes boredomand potentialthis / place has weeds and birdsand the likes of it are uponthe swift departure readying

187

July 5, 2012

Paradoxicalness

the questionhow to outwitmy ownstupidity

188

July 6, 2012

First Th en Second

even when they are beyond lovelythey can sit in bars and cry quiet as light rain outsidethis means that beforethey had times of joybecause tears can’t exist fi rst

189

July 7, 2012

Paradick

my job is not my careerI sometimes would liketo quit one to do the other

190

July 8, 2012

Draining Her Joy

a woman at the bartears and ginhair draping / tangled / frizzed endsI watched come in drynow everything of heris wet

191

July 9, 2012

Fear

he walked into the roomand sat down afraidhe hurtsomewhere a clock sped up

192

July 10, 2012

Great Pains

just a little every daybut worsehard to remembersometimes blundersfear just worseevery dayand fewer of them

193

July 11, 2012

Bad Films

footage no longer shownof the planes hitting the towersas if we should forgetor make it abstract through memorya simulation shows that people in the planesmight have lived to see the inside of the buildingsbefore burning to nothing

194

July 12, 2012

Dietician

bored with the ridiculouspopping up like pop tartswe’ve left them behind because all agreeit’s just carrots

195

July 13, 2012

One Two Th ree

it rained oncewhen I hoped for sunwindy when I hopedfor calm and lightare the passionsheart beat for

196

July 14, 2012

Fiery Innards

the bridge of my lifecannot endure a rebuildjust re-rivet the worstand oxidize the surfaceto ward off harsh rainand the over-solicitous sun ball

197

July 15, 2012

Big Words or Lots of Th em

I fear those last minutesrelease will not be sweetI hanker to do great thingsbut how / but whenby using words I hopeto create my me

198

July 16, 2012

Paradise In Blue

music as sweet as clumpsof blueberry bushesdozens of themfour feet tall and eight feet aroundpaths from one to the nextI just pick and pickeating for hoursmosquitos be damned

199

July 17, 2012

Savage Speech

two people speakingsame languageneither gets itit sounds okthey get tiredfall asleepthe world rejoices

200

July 18, 2012

Night Listen

tubes making a pretty soundno ultra controljust sweetI remember the backroom where I’d siteach night and listen to tunesover and overmaybe reading a passageover and overthe tubes were hotorange hot

201

July 19, 2012

Just One Nail

our barn was as old as the countryI found out 30 years after it was torn downbuilt in the early 1700sit had wood nails and all of it was white silk smooth from age and airits inner rooms and passages held tool relicsI thought is was just oldbut it was oldperhaps today spiff ed up it would be a gemimagine such a place to work and writeif only if only if only

202

July 20, 2012

And Cold And Wet

smell of eggs and baconin a cold confi ned roomin a hut on the side of a mountainbeing cooked over a wood fi rewith a bad chimneymy father’s friend told himyour son is lazy

203

July 21, 2012

In Paris Once

the woman walked beside medown a street neither of us knewin silence until we found a caféwhere we sipped hard drinkslooking past each other butwith the sneaky parts of our eyesalert to changes / laterwe crawled noiselessly into bedthen the only sounds were nicks from the heaterdrops outside the window and timelingering past

204

July 22, 2012

yes of

course everythingchanges / willschange / willyou

205

July 23, 2012

Vision Very

tonight the bridgeis awake under bright lightsand over a black currentand all in silence

206

July 24, 2012

More Th an Want You

fi nding the end of the bridgeset in fogabove a warm river coveredby cold air shuttling down from mountains so far away they might as well be nowhereI believe I’mfi nding my own endlooking down I strike a pose of fearthrough the gaps I know black water is fl owing fast enough to pull the steep from the hillsthe green won’t standthe strain

207

July 25, 2012

Who Huh?

so who fi nds the pretty girland tells her heridea of passionate sexis just a ding dong

208

July 26, 2012

Into Th e

lots of timepassing from the day till nowthe days in between wereimportant to othersI simply watched

209

July 27, 2012

Stop and Stare

how did I learnin a cafeteriamusic piped in or a little bandMeredith doing the ponywith Kris and Sally in the middle of the roomthe tables folded up and stacked around the roomI perfected the artof watching

210

July 28, 2012

My Father

I made a screwdriver onceyellow plastic of some sortI used a lathe to shape ita square length of steelI forged it into a slot bladeI tempered it with tricky heating and coolingI was afraid I had notenough skill to machine slots into the handleto provide good gripeven so my father used ithe was a kind man

211

July 29, 2012

Pentucket During the Day

my high school was smallcorridors not too like a mazesmall classroomsbut crowded hallwaysbetween classesit was the only time to talkaside from lunchsmall socialsmall schoolsmall learning

212

July 30, 2012

Th e Guest

and who asks about me

no I’m not doing fi ne

213

July 31, 2012

Times Silly

the world has a lot of spacemake room for me one last timeI remember when I thought I was startingout young

214

August 1, 2012

Anyway

lives past are liveslost / their times were jewelsthey were lovetheir many days were their dayswhen they saw a mist it hid their thingsfrom themthey made all thatI made all thisyou / who are you

215

August 2, 2012

Top To Bottom

in my fi eldthe groundhogs are taking to the heatlike summer baked clamsby the ocean at duskafter a day of sun bakingand red skinningquick looks up skirtsand down tank topseverything just as neatas the groundhogs waddlingfrom fl ower bush to bush

216

August 3, 2012

Hoyt’s Hill

I’ve found the gloves I worewhen we tobogganed Hoyt’s hillunder the barb wire fence into the mapled swampfrozen over and slickholes torncold down to near zerono one hurt / we ducked by instinctlater I felt the scratches on my headfrom little tips slicingbut not before a woman wrapped herselfinto a pretzel with me as holesand we slept like dogs into the late afternoonof another day

217

August 4, 2012

Torment

who would thinktorture would be funhard to say

218

August 5, 2012

An Instrumental

always I sawmy future to the westin my dreamI was away from everyonedoing what was strangely unlike

I pictured thenthen = teen ageKansasWichita or Holcomba womanlong-hairedstanding with / near cottonwoodsa guitar / metallic amp with lots of reverbplaying in the windwith the windnothing but a windblowing past meto the farm lost to a dried out memory

219

August 6, 2012

By A Wet Road

water fl owing down a ditchfrom up the roadinto a pondwhile winter parted waysmy 2x4 boata nail at the front and a stringI half pulled it to the pondmy idea thenof fun play

220

August 7, 2012

Only Stop

what hopes did I havejust moved to Illinoisconfi dence?expectations?being on my own the fi rst time?not alonebut nearly soI never learned to livereallyjust how to survivelike with bad bowelsjust planning how to make it to the next stopI envisioned only onenext stop

221

August 8, 2012

Farm Fresh

failure?how far from the farmI’ve gottencompare progressall Bs and Csnow a wikipedia pagesome awardsone eye to see withleft side big damagebut where I’ve gotten

222

August 9, 2012

1+iI

the windowoutside it’s near duskup here in the fl atI’m thinking of putting on lightssnow like noise in the dim airbig noise in singular spotsa frozen drizzle betweennow surpriseoutside I see the simplifi ed lightson the Eiff el Tower and faded lacework ironworksmy pillow is ready for twoonly Imust decidesoonbefore the wine’s breath expires

223

August 10, 2012

Sullenity

beneath pine branchessitting on a fl at rocka small fi re I started artifi ciallyall above snow leaks down from a sky gone sullenimagine my life I say to myselfbut I forgot my answerand now I’m meno connection to that boy

224

August 11, 2012

All Th e While

I was thinking of writing something sweetbut the audience will want scienceor engineering if they are feeling sillybut a man’s life has passed byand I think really it was a sweet life

225

August 12, 2012

Merrimack Overfl ow

big runoff clogging the riverbrowning it with the poor soil up and away from itpeople standing on the river’s banksare afraidonly in times like this do metaphorswreak their magic

226

August 13, 2012

In A Hole

teach me how to readhow your words are related to mespell out your self spellingsmockingbirdish I will follow youmy father followed my mother like a sparse winterlearned her language excluding all othershe underlined a passage about Rachelhe followed her into the deep cold

227

August 14, 2012

And Th en Gone in the Tiniest Move

wet cold day and I walked down the roadpast all the houses on our former farmall the way to the pond and even beyondanother day I got into my car and drovethat way and then all the way to the Pacifi cmark my path and what a corkscrewa transitionmy last step will be the smallest I ever takefrom this to nothing

228

August 15, 2012

Th e Last Th ing You Read

the dream returnedof being nobodyliving nowherehere is how it falls out for science:to all you scientists who worship technicalitiesyou will worship them until the day of your deaththen what I write will be all you think about

229

August 16, 2012

A Certain Kind of Sadness

I used to make peoplesway and boblift their kneesand move across the fl oormany didn’t care how I lookedjust how I soundedsweet and glowing orangeand sometimes distortedlike tropical love

230

August 17, 2012

Here Some More

I can imagine lives I might have hadCarla dead ten yearsJanis dead fi fteen yearsMeredith insanethe lucky man I am still is

231

August 18, 2012

By Th e Time

now the endless days of sunshineburden / I am unable to live in it and loveI need something to kick meout of this depth

232

August 19, 2012

Ambig

what will I fi nd at the bridge?how to get from one side to the otherI’m certain there will be tearstears of sadness or maybetears in the fabric of memory

233

August 20, 2012

A Trip to Skip’s

showers / tiring fl ight and drivelightness of spiritheavy of heartwhat wonders there will bewriting in anticipationnot memory

234

August 21, 2012

Like Women, Sometimes

the bridge’s foundationsare being substitutedrivets replacedpaint blasted off and new paint paintedonthe swing bridge span is spun outand up on blockssomeday it will be an old bridgelooking new but out of fashion

235

August 22, 2012

Memory All After

today I will never forgetbringing Nabla back to lifeand organizing mud wrestling below my dorm

´in uppers during reality

236

August 23, 2012

Tidal

today a tall speckon the river becamea bikinied woman paddlinga surf boardstanding updownstreamagainst the current

237

August 24, 2012

Too Many

I am dead tired and lonelytired of explainingtired of drivingtired of

238

August 25, 2012

A Certain Kind of Sadness

that bridge look to survivethe cleaning and reinforcing forced onit by time and cars like minehope I don’t die when it’s not for my ashes to pouroff frompretend it never happened

239

August 26, 2012

Number 1

two things I learned todaythe taxi driver whodelivered booze to my grandmothersaid she came to the door nude

240

August 27, 2012

Number 2

twoBuddy says that Sam Scherbonwould just yell to himhey we have to move these balesand make him do itcandling eggscleaning themcollecting them from the henswent on for years he said

241

August 28, 2012

On TV

years agokisses were closedtoday kisses are chowdownsbefore we could imaginewhat we missednow we know

242

August 29, 2012

Fight No More

the slide down toward winterthe remindershould we need itattitudes colderfear from earlier darknesslater darknessdarknessI look for the warm handto rest on my headwhile the last thoughts therefall or passaway

243

August 30, 2012

Puzzlish

the river is indiff erentthe repairs are inkythe waters are never enoughpeople ride on themwhile I hard step toward itbut sprint awayhow fear can be strong

244

August 31, 2012

Why Not Th at Far Away

the blue changednoon to duskchanged everythingweeping

245

September 1, 2012

Wherever Th ere Are Stones

on the stones everywhereI see it writtencarved / cuthope for meaning suspectedlytogether foreverwhen all it means is adjacency of what used to begranite me too

246

September 2, 2012

Framework

just this bubble is clearthe rest uncertaintythe blur that makes fi ction

247

September 3, 2012

Facing Bad Choices

if there is a wayit is a bad wayI forgot who was important and let him go far awayone day soon I will go far away just as he didbut all these far aways are far away from all others

248

September 4, 2012

Streaming Description

the words coming downstreamwere frozen once now thawedthey’ve picked up the soil and some sandfrom former rocks and debrisleaves mixed in / they all seem well wornmixed together / fi nd me sitting by the banknot too close but eager for it to meanwhat rivers everywhere are hoped to mean

249

September 5, 2012

RIP

you live day to daythere are patternsbut the ones you notice are boringI’ve been thinking about Dave Waltz for weeks nowmy fi rst mentorthe important patternsare there to see

250

September 6, 2012

Soon Th e Two Are Gone

outside tonightthe street’s snow fi lledstanding at the windowhold backthe curtain and behindme the woman who is with me dozesI watch her breath lightly / her hair lifted by what moves herturning backnow the street has two deep tracksnever touchingthe light wind blowing and fresh snow fallingbegin to fi ll them

251

September 7, 2012

It Was

the site provides mechanismsto assist comfort when deathly circumstances require comfortassistance gathered from friends and relativesLotsa Helping Handsnews email can be sent and to helpthe subject is set like this[Lotsa] <subject>

today it was sad news[Lotsa] Sad News

252

September 8, 2012

Dull I Know

I believe I’ve reached my limitI know no way forwardI must get away from some thingsor I will be another early exit

253

September 9, 2012

Foo

oh everything goes wrongI hate itit stops me from writing wellwhat can’t things work

254

September 10, 2012

Secrets of Art and Science

there are lots of ways to make things beautifulmost are sentimental / but that’s a secrethow close can you stepthat’s how beautiful you’ll make it

255

September 11, 2012

Nobody…Nobody!

I wish there was a beautiful wayto be part of the nobodies

256

September 12, 2012

An Important Bed

I want the liesto include morphine

257

September 13, 2012

Rocks Village Bridge

Span 1: riveted Pennsylvania through truss, built 1895Span 2: riveted, 2 intersection Warren pony truss, built 1883Span 3: Rim-bearing, swing, through truss, built in 1883Span 4: riveted Pratt pony truss, built in 1914Span 5: riveted Pennsylvania through truss, built in 1914Span 6: riveted Pratt pony truss, built in 1914

258

September 14, 2012

Adaptation

fi nding my way around a new systemtrying this trying anothercomplexity adapts

259

September 15, 2012

Long Aside

in Champaign we started to learnbut being so young we fl oppedthe size of our ambitions was next to nothingand that’s where we got

260

September 16, 2012

Finding In

some of the days seem too shortthe leaves are really just about gonecooler toobut the rivers still fl owso farand downy hair is all the rage

261

September 17, 2012

Tired More

fatigue is on metired of living perhapsI need a long sleep

262

September 18, 2012

Home Of Sorts

a long tripa drivea good meal followed by a lousy beda drive and then who knowsin the end all will be upended

263

September 19, 2012

A Myth for Us

I have stroked the hip of the last tomorrowand it turned to meand frowned

264

September 20, 2012

For Now or Ever?

the verdict is incareer is over

265

September 21, 2012

Day After

when the photos are too bluebetter watch our mood

266

September 22, 2012

Small Job

he was a serious manmuch more than memy job as alwaysis to record all

267

September 23, 2012

Today At Th e Symposium

I recorded it allspoke a littleand some people recognized meby I stun few and amuse

268

September 24, 2012

Downstream

the river at duskwas fl owing sharply upstreamfi lling widely the river bedinsinuating salt on soft

269

September 25, 2012

Drive Tonight

behind meI’m heading Eastthe sky is orangealien / foreignI continue East untilthe dangerous Westis past

270

September 26, 2012

It Stares

beauty in front of usit stares / it stares without relentit stares waiting with angrypatience for us to no longer seethe wrinkled surface of whatever is therebut to see itbeauty instead

271

September 27, 2012

Work & Just Work

putting together sentencesto push or pullnot easy and now a programto do the same?

272

September 28, 2012

Writing 201

secret of writing to entrancewrite for a purposeunrelated to the readers

273

September 29, 2012

Left

the most unsettlingpoem ever writtensimply has something out

274

September 30, 2012

Here But Not Th ere

leaves are turningcool weathermore clouds but when there are nonea clear / bitter blue skyI was taught to look for lessonswhat I learned was to not look for lessonsback home the irises are bracingand red-tinted cedar bark is doing all it can to keep them warmeveryone is surprised by how fl imsy these excuses are

275

October 1, 2012

Hermeneutics, He Said

the world’s an old and tired placetoo many have decided to stay stupidI admit to my share of itI want the words to make good sentencesbut the funny papers have put an end to thatnow only the dictionary understands

276

October 2, 2012

Photographic Memories

when I took the picturethe camera / shy / looked awayin its memory an image formedinto its memory something never seen was rememberedtonight I have edited itand the camera blinked

277

October 3, 2012

Over I Suppose

I want it over somehowI am in and my head it underwaterit’s a young person’s gameand grit and experience won’t do enough

278

October 4, 2012

Word Display Case

something has grabbed my energyand I’m under a deep patchmaybe tomorrow I can get enoughto grab words rightpen them down and spread them

279

October 5, 2012

Went Away

too many nights are spent wishingfor songs and soundsI have a mad desire to hear youthe songs are so severe and so sad

280

October 6, 2012

Woods Soliloquy

dark risinglight rain fallingshe is fi xed by the windowwaiting for various endsshe means to be warm to youbut you are stuck in the woodscutting old downfallhoping it will drybefore it’s too late

281

October 7, 2012

We Laid Down Th at Night

once I ran through a fi eld fi lled with made stoneswith a woman I thought I could lovewho now 40 years later has gone

a work of imaginationis able to fi ll that gapwith a pair of lives stitched together

but were one of those mineI’d be alone but fi lled with something cold and pastsomething like those stones on which are piled even more

282

October 8, 2012

Finishing Fall

some like the snowas it falls large as palmsfast covering the groundand hugging branchesbut me I likethe fog that drifts through the treesacross the road when the temperature riseswhile the snow still falls

inside her warmthhas been poured into a hot cup

283

October 9, 2012

What Is It?

you can see itwhen the other runners pass you byyou sometimes want to fi ght onbut it’s too much for you nowwhen you were young it seemed possiblebut not likelynow it’s just what it iswhat it is

284

October 10, 2012

Anytime

every peak is at the deadI listen to the sax and its silly soundsplay sad to meI’m going to go away soonbecause slow but surefewer parts remaintonight like many nights for yearsI am sitting in the dark and music

285

October 11, 2012

Fortune in Two Directions

attribute it to cold airor being buriedimagine what they look like nowif they look like anything at allthen think back to the hidden pastthen think forward and that’s what we’ll be

286

October 12, 2012

Tears Th ey Said

work work workI am fi nding it hard to excel nowexcept for just a few arenasI feel so alone

287

October 13, 2012

New England Scene

a birch bunch of three trunksa heavy snow under a white lead skybirch bark white with black fl ecks and stripesa boy not far away under a low hanging pinetending a small fi re he built in the woodsbehind his family’s housepretending he is that great pioneerwho discovers something smalland makes it big

288

October 14, 2012

Looking

some photos I’m looking atlook like made from junkso unrealismmy reaction is nonnullmore trivial / alertit’s in my pantsand yoursthe faded and vividscratchedI fathom as much

289

October 15, 2012

Apartment

there is a womansomewherewhom I was to have lovedI am here in a dark room writing thisand she is in her fl at somewhereher hair spilt onto one side of her headglinting under a weak fl uorescentunable to face the cold bed

290

October 16, 2012

Eastern Germany in Late Winter

on a trip to far wayI saw dark clouds and watched snow rain downwhen it was coldin the car I watched naked trees fl y byI wanted something simple to happeninsteadwe talked

291

October 17, 2012

Foggy Falls

it’s the time of year when trees give upbecome beautiful before falling towarda kind of deathwhat if beauty didn’t come fi rst?

292

October 18, 2012

Unbalanced

I am terrifi edof the slope aheadtoday I stood in the middle of a crowded elevatorfi lled with young women (and me)and barely was able to stand up straightfor 8 fl oors down

293

October 19, 2012

RXN

hot beyond comprehensionin photos her real life selfordinary as hell

294

October 20, 2012

In Desert

few of them express so wellher stun is oppressiveperfection scaresshe is hungry

295

October 21, 2012

Slumbering Toward Bethlehem

yes she walks that wayI have the doubts of old ageshe is a catalog of my mistakesshe is the torpor opposite I recall

296

October 22, 2012

Curiosity on Hold

lots of things I rememberfi ll up sheets from an orange notebookI am writing this to forget becauseto know is the opposite of to remember

297

October 23, 2012

Well Tired

I am the hog of nothing specialI root for myself notto win but toquit quick and quiet

298

October 24, 2012

Rustic French Toast

your father stood at the counterwhere he broke eggs into a soup dishand swirled them andadded canned milkdipped in the bread and cookedthe pieces in a buttered panhis work was rough and eggs whites cooked cling to the breadand that’s your treatso much sothat today 50 years later you make it that waydeliberately / not through mistakethrough plan and separation≤

299

October 25, 2012

Done 4

I looked into the unsmilingface of my shortcomingsand I am ready to declare myselfdown the drain

300

October 26, 2012

Support Puns

I want something alive and fullI want to spoil your bad dreamsit would happen on a warm dayit would happen when the larks are aboutyou would probably smile just someyou are like that / you are those things

301

October 27, 2012

Born Today

born today and for years aftera little girl looking goofyshe made her way from small cityto farm to…nothing muchin there she had mefrom me / thinking me feeble / she kepta hell of a secret / wait while I count the years65 / I had to check it / just imagine keepingthe biggest secret in the worldfrom the ones you lovedmost for 65 years

302

October 28, 2012

Bye

I was swarmed with good friendswhom I need to ignorebecause those who rule mewon’t allow it

303

October 29, 2012

In Her Apartment Near Water

she walks from room to roomin her harborside apartmentshe looks out windows and down to wet streetsin the way of a woman harboring regretshe wonders which other path might have led her somewhere else / some other whereto a place of closer shelter or longer promise / a calm desireroom to room she remakes them all but the streets stay wetshe doesn’t think if she thinks at allof me

304

October 30, 2012

On a Night Before

I’m guessing she started tonightyears ago to expel me(ending with forceps tomorrow)in a Haverhill long gonewhen my father asked her howshe felt she said diff erentnot some spectacular wordjust diff erentwhen I think back to thenin imagination and through photosI dream of simple and monochromeI reminisce about her dreams for mehow small maybe or how infl atedeveryone is waving

305

October 31, 2012

Th e Night

weather wet the paper saidcold and a bit windyno indian summer nearbymany said the day was dullbut down the hall pruneface was born toowe were swapped / my mother was not fooledshe had hada boy and pruneface wasn’twas that a good deal?

306

November 1, 2012

So Sweet

it takes harsh weatherto make room for a smooth guitarplayed with light fi ngerson a small amp fi lled with orange glow tubestonight the wind outside is blowing drizzlea bit to the left and music is coming from the righton a new set of thick stringspicked every way they can be

307

November 2, 2012

Farewell

gone too far and fi lled with hurtshe is probably lost

308

November 3, 2012

Of Some Sort

not any betterI am spinningit seemsdown a drain

309

November 4, 2012

Subterranean

there is a kind is despairthat eats like acid and stains like rustit feels like a road gone down that cannot be found againor a great meal made of the last ingredientsnever forget thisplease

310

November 5, 2012

Hip

stark truth is never warmthe rest is clichéeven those are clichéwe celebratewithout peoplecliché don’t exist

311

November 6, 2012

Politics Is A Small Horse

hell passed by todayon its way to a southern climehot hot hotterwaiting for preachers and snakeseverything wriggles as it passes byeverything but ice cream and snacks

312

November 7, 2012

In Th e Night I Wish

near where I grew up is a town near the seawhite clapboard and brick homes / black or green shuttersright now it’s snowing therepeople in those homes cluster around warmthhuman / combustionmany small things make this moment the nextwindows covered in blots of dew

313

November 8, 2012

East of a Dry Spot

the desert is no place for slow menweak men / those who think muchgreen things are sharp thingsevery beast knows its angleyou have no angleyou have nothingyou are you

314

November 9, 2012

Sick Sad

they made a river for mewhere everything I’ve evercried about can gatherthen move on outto seasee?

315

November 10, 2012

Solid Retirement Plan

a little shack on a patch of desertan old barn with holes like unheard bomb blastsa metal wind pump / blades fi lled with bullet holesa tank covered in graffi ti or perhaps a secret notea social security check picked up at a post offi cean old computer running this softwarea connection to publish it on

316

November 11, 2012

Recall It

then farm was more organized thena small orcharda little stream carrying waste awaytrimmed fi eldspine woods fi lled with mushrooms and Christmas wreath makingsnow it’s divided among familieswho loving the wild have let it all run wildcut down the orchardpushed down all our farm buildingsit’s all just in here nowa sad end to the sensation of sensation

317

November 12, 2012

Sick Love Sick

in my thesaurusthere is just one wordthat synonyms every otherthat word is your name

318

November 13, 2012

Stories Not Enough

I remember how for granted I took every part of the farmI remember walking for hours from one part of it to anotherI remember all the seasons and how the barn responded to themI recall the animals and sometimes how they responded to meI can remember the smell of the hay early in autumn and how it changed all winterthen there were the yellow jackets on the rotting pears when we left them on the trees too longthose memories never rose to the surface of my attention until the farm was long goneand my parents were long gone and everything I loved was long gonesoon and all the words were gone no matter how many times I write them

319

November 14, 2012

Funny

funny how some people stillhold me up as famousas a modelwho clamor to meet and visitfunny

320

November 15, 2012

Muresco My Love

is fi neis whiteis fi re proofwill not rubworks easilyhas great bodyis very durablekills all suctionis quickly preparedsaves one third laborcovers ordinary stainsis low cost yet is the bestcan be worked by one manis entirely free from arsenicshould be tried to be appreciatedwill not show “laps” or “clouds”requires no “sizing” or “wash off ”is highly regarded by the best decoratorshas never yet been known to peal or fl ake off will ultimately supplant whiting and lime mixtureswill do all that is claimed for it by the manufacturers

321

November 16, 2012

Stairways

can it be truethe loss / the worstsimple days where the only obligation is to be sillyin new waysalwayssome days now could be like thatbut the great guitar players don’t approve

322

November 17, 2012

Sweet Snow

no one can imaginewalking into your own woodsduring a heavy snowfallwalking deep into themlistening as fl akes slip past left over leaveshearing the pine boughs above let slip the storm windI know a granite rock deep in the woodsnot under pine but close bythat’s where I sit and would sittill the end if all were mine

323

November 18, 2012

Past Time

Peter Walls’s store was two miles awayover the border in NHwe’d walk there for the odd thingwe had our own milk our own eggssoups maybe or a light bulboften some candyPeter was scottish but I didn’t know that until nownow that I can fi nd out anything in the worldusing the same tool I use for writing these poemsride my bike there with Jimmyplay on the tracks right next to the placemy band playing at the former rink across the roadevaporated milk probably and soapcereal / how about a replay with the director’s comments?

324

November 19, 2012

Bowl of Dust

great streams of dustblow down streetsacross road and over housesexcept where it bears inand fi ne grit coats the sofa and chairsfi ts a layer atop our plateswhy we live here the rich know wellthey never would

325

November 20, 2012

Finally A Love Poem

my love is a carburetorshe breathes for meshe feeds me fuelwithout her I am just a blockfi lled with holes some call tubesbut I can them torrents

326

November 21, 2012

Getting Better

turn the light on she saidI turned the light onturn down the blanketsI turned down the blanketsturn around and leaveI turned around

327

November 22, 2012

Mush Blocks

our movies of tobogganingpictured the snow as blueI recall the coldand how wet we were after an afternoon at Hoyt’s hillmy father and mehe rode in front and I in backwhen we crashed he got the worst of itnow he’s just the past

328

November 23, 2012

A Bad Desire

I’ve always had it wrong. Never compare yourself to the best—not to Guy Steele, not to Rod Brooks, not to the rich I knew who turned their backs. Do that and you are the loser / there is no competition. Instead, look how far you’ve come from the beginning. Kurkjian wrote “this is my genius friend Dick Gabriel.” And I paid no attention to him. My classmates from highschool were stunned by what I had done. And I paid no attention. Instead I fell off a cliff into despair. Now let me imagine the last scene again and imagine it diff erently. Th e sun has dropped just below the pines and oaks to the west, the sky is clear mostly / just highlight clouds above the treetops. I am walking down the road to my home and that road is lined by the kids from my early school classes and my parents and grandparents (the ones I knew), and they are telling me in whispers but in smiles “you did good,” “you showed them,” “we’re proud of what you did,” “you went everywhere, you competed with the best—you never won, but you were in the race up till the end.” “We love you and now it’s time to rest, don’t worry any more; just listen now to this sweet closing music, sit here on this soft couch, hold this pillow to your chest and let your tears fall onto it; watch the stars come out little by little over the fi elds you loved, tell us all again the stories as you remember them unfolding, rest until the last star has come up then rest forever in your fi nal fi nest imagined spot. You did it, you did it, you did it.”

329

November 24, 2012

Th eir Heads Craned Up

I fi nd myself walking homepast the Scherbon’s place down the road from my family’s farmas I walk down the road the air fi lls a bit with smokethe sky grows a little glazedhouses I remember built on subdivided plots are gone and the fi elds are backpast Sam Scherbon’s house I see the barn still standingthe coops are back upthe foundation hole is back where it was and standing in my front yardunder the big big oak and gnarled shag-bark hickory are all my school age friendsthey don’t remember the failures I had along the waythe rejections by schools / by companiesthey remember me holding vast promise / vaster than their’sthey remember me going to college / going to MITgoing to Illinois / going to Stanford / starting my companygoing back to school for another degree / writing not many but remembered papersessays / bookstraveling to countries / giving talks to small but happy audienceswhat I remember is how much higher someone can go / how much higher my later friends didhow many failures I hadwhat they remember is how high I got from where I startedyou did what none of us couldyou made a diff erence / now restrest for all time

330

November 25, 2012

On Fire

fi nd me the place where there is warmthbetween earth and airlet me feel a hand light on my headlet me hear my songslet me listen to my wordslet me be alone before I am alone

331

November 26, 2012

A Rock and Fear

I have a fear that has ridden with me mywhole life / it never showed any hint of waningor leaving or turning into peace or piecesit felt like the twilight dull sky blending into the tops of treesacross our winter heavy fi eld / the one with the rockin the middle that could never be removed

332

November 27, 2012

Light Up

a big rain will wash it awaylike a big rivera fl ood

333

November 28, 2012

And A Story

he brought a piano to the house on the farmhe watched his new wife moving bushel basketsfrom the barn to the kitchenthis was when he was youngand I was not even conceivednow they are long deadand I am oldsoon only pictures

334

November 29, 2012

Writing As Usual

as usualirrelevant concerns of the momentinterfere with this

335

November 30, 2012

I’ve Said It All

she is all womenbecause she’s been made that waypieces sampled from everywheretipped eyes / creamed skin colorsexy in every way possiblespacetimeworkachievement

336

December 1, 2012

Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu Revision

Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu is an ancient/old Japanese martial art that integrates essential aspects of nine tra-ditional styles. Although each of these styles represents an independent and self-contained system with its special characteristics, there are common basics and overarching/comprehensive principles. Th eir (the styles’) training/practice involves (the training of) techniques such as locks, throws, strikes, and kicks, in which power and speed play a subordinate (?) role, while balance and fl ow (fl owing/fl uid movements) are more important.

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Google translate:(((Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu is an ancient Japanese martial art that integrates the essential aspects of the nine tra-ditional styles. Although each of these styles represents an independent and self-contained system, and thus has special features, there are common principles and overarching principles. Your training includes lifts and shot-even punch and kick techniques in which power and speed play a subordinate role. Instead of standing balance and fl uid movements in the foreground.)))

Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu is a Japanese martial art that integrates the essential aspects of nine traditional martial art styles. Each style represents an independent and self-contained system, and Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu is the convergence of their common and overarching principles. Your training includes strikes, kicks, blocks, grappling, and throwing, but evasion, body fl exibility, conditioning, balance, and fl uid body movement are more important.

lifts and shot-even punch and kick techniques in which power and speed play a subordinate role. Instead of standing balance and fl uid movements in the foreground.

concord-ca-bujinkan-ninjutsuBujinkan Budo Taijutsu is a traditional Japanese martial art that teaches you eff ective ways of self-protection using timing, distancing, and angling. Multiple attacks, weaponry, striking, grappling, choking, leaping, rolling, and throws are all disciplines incorporated into the training of Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu. Th e training is non–competitive, allowing you to focus on developing the mind and body through a whole–body movement martial art, not speed and/or muscle training.

337

December 2, 2012

Nothing Electricity

electricity going on and off whystorm passed bygot to go

338

December 3, 2012

How I fi gured It

eucalyptus lined the roadwhich itself was sunk into the side of a little hillso the tops of the trees were impossiblethe fi rst time I saw it I was riding to the lab on the hillSeptember which is the warmest month in Californiathe smell of the air a combined tarweed and eucalyptusthe hill was dried out and yellowthis was the place I dreamed of while sitting on the lap of the fi replacelooking West out the window across the road past the stonewallpast the fi eld and fi nally to the black tops of the pines and maplesout there with this picture of the coast just over the sundown horizon

339

December 4, 2012

Fortunate Cliff

I found a place where the weather doesn’t changemuch but fl uctuates through the regions I likeand from that vantage point I am able to reliveexactly and only those episodes of my lifethat make me wonder who the hell I am

340

December 5, 2012

Riviera Sunset

pretty music playingon a rainy nightwindows looking out and down at a highwayat rush hour / cars almost parkedmoving in lines like a snakearound the base of the hill I’m ona great fl ood of technology is turning mere informationinto art into music into the basis for living

341

December 6, 2012

Found Out

boys punching girlsin the face in the stomachripping their clothesstealing their snackswhen I heard this last part I criedbecause trivial and the word snack sounds sillybut then one girl started a suicide note

342

December 7, 2012

Listen To Th e Radio

not very appealing anymoreonce they found him a delighta book on a high shelfstill on the high shelfbut the light’s off the light’s dimdust and all that

343

December 8, 2012

In A Church Near Poland

what does God thinkwhen I walk into a churchor pause by the ruins of onein Europe you seeinside a miracle maybeor just high walls held up and apart by steelor rusting iron you seeHe wonders what I thinkfolly and all thatyou see

344

December 9, 2012

Somewhere North, You Th ink?

10 below35 mph windswhatever you dodon’t let your dog go outside

345

December 10, 2012

Fear

what I seeis all I havewithout itwhy anything?

346

December 11, 2012

Trash Talk Day

moving along and feeling obtuselike a fi ne dance cardmy number’s not on itmy judgment of talent’s poorwork is like winesoon it’s vinegar

347

December 12, 2012

12/12/12

too many twelves todayI ate my way through 12/12/12 12:12:12I make no comparisonsI am the null case

348

December 13, 2012

Blue and Snow and Tree

if you approached our housethis time of yearin Merrimacthere might be snow just a littleon the groundour tree would be out of sightall you’d see in our windowswould be a plastic set of candlesrising to a middle peakall the lights blueI told them it was the color I likeddepression instead it really was

349

December 14, 2012

Under Tree

how little money they hadnot many years could they buy me giftspretending to be Santathe night before I would lie awakeit seemedthrough but apparently notup early I’d look down near dawnand there it all wasthen I’d wait until one of them was upthen so was Ishine like gold

350

December 15, 2012

It Works Anyway

brought here what matters mostis the force of attention on despairand persistent truthfi nd the way to breathe and listen to leaves and breathI want to slide down the alleys that leadback aroundbut who has time to suss them outand produce faked magic

351

December 16, 2012

High Over Me

the other side of the fi eld is hiddenin a rising mist made by strange winter weatherin the woodsanimals await fatelive / die / suff erall without self-pityall without pityinside I put another dried out log in the stoveescaping smoke makes it romanticI write instead

352

December 17, 2012

Merrimack, Th e River

I never knew whether the waterwas warm or coldI could never and neverwill step close to itfl owing upriver or down doesn’tmatter / I don’t approachsomewhere reason can’t approachthe symbols of fear are impregnableundefeatable / untiringnext summer I will try again

353

December 18, 2012

Chunking Progress

work continuesabove the swirling water belowconfused as everbut above the green greens furtherrenewal is upon us

354

December 19, 2012

Deconsaturation

so the guitar does its thingthe guitar player’s thingthe point is diversionabove all tentative

355

December 20, 2012

Lose Your Faith

we can celebrate tonightjust a drink / merlot if you insistthen I must don my wool cap and hard mittenshead for a road going far into the mountainsthen up onefrom there I’ll sing myself to sleepread about it

356

December 21, 2012

DDR Is Simple

in DDR a woman lowers her stockingssitting on a rectangle bed of ‘60’s mapleher bra is fashioned oddly too and her underpantsbecause you can’t / just couldn’t call them panties then and therebut underneath it all her curved patch of black hairheld the same hold on the man lying beside heras on any man any where

357

December 22, 2012

A Novel Without A Book

in a room on the second fl oormy woman is walking around nudethe black intersection of her legs and torsoreveals nothing / invites nothingI am ready a seedy novel written in 1957the plot involves driving around Francebut returning every few days to Pariswhere a man with a hairy womaninspect each other for lustwhen they get close to another countrythey consider changingbut I like it too much whenshe cooks me eggs and sconesdressed like nothing at all

358

December 23, 2012

Up Th ere Alone

39 years ago I marriedat age 24and it lastedjust 7 yearslove is something I’m bad atlike almost everything elsea good friend married the day beforewe had dated the same womanand he had introduced meshe was the onehe is still married and ecstatic with his lifeand I am notI am not

359

December 24, 2012

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

I would lie in bedwaiting to sleepso Santa could comeI believed this innocentlybut on refl ectionstupidly yetI would fall back into it if I couldI feel myself falling back into it

360

December 25, 2012

Weeps

snow blaringwind coming downin these woods the trunks are greyeverything else near whiteit’s what I imagined for this sort of ending

361

December 26, 2012

Nothing Ever Built

I tried many timesto build something signifi cantin the woodsbut no skill was the problemand I could never build anythinganywhere after those attempts

362

December 27, 2012

Remember Th is Or Write It Now

ok so my memory sucksI reconstitute withliquid writinga fi ction making facts

363

December 28, 2012

Splatt

when the truth is toldone day beyond our understanding of wheneven if all of us are still aroundnothing said or shown will be recognizedbecause truth has never once been revealed to usevery fact is a blur of facts a blur of possible thoughtsand we each get one or a few and a thoughtis not a fact and even then it would be takenfrom the blur

364

December 29, 2012

Chauvet

32,000 years ago a mantrained in charcoal paintingsteps into the museum caveand resumes work on the wall of lionslater his students will come and observeand he will instruct them on feeling the brush tracethe neck and back of the elk so the lineis fi rm and bold / he is not a hunter

365

December 30, 2012

Oh La La

she lifts from the sheetspulls on jeans and a smockties her hair up but most is still downshe grabs her keys and we down stairs and out the dark door to the blvdand around the corner to a pâtisserie where we want to eatafter all that other stuff like her sexI woke once and the black tangle was inches awayshe overlooked the bed and everything it

366

December 31, 2012

On Th e Last Day

Dick Gabriel has learned the ways of nothingaccepts that he is goneDick Gabriel is not afraid to face the hidden life now hisfi nd the thrill of anonymity a good dealDick Gabriel reckons those who fi gured him gone far more worthy of beliefthan himself who believes he fell shortDick Gabriel / he used to be Dick Gabrielnow he longs for the barn and woodsDick Gabriel I long to be you again