online training to support bereaved people

Bereavement Care AwarenessonlineOnline training to support bereaved people

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Bereavement Care

Awarenessonline

Contents About the courseKey facts and figures

Section 1: Introduction

Bereavement Care Awareness online

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Allison

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© Care for the Family. 7

Bereavement Care Awareness online - Delegate Workbook

About the trainingBereavement Care Awareness online has been produced by Care for the Family in response to requests from churches and individuals looking for access to training on bereavement during this period of social distancing. It is useful for church leaders, pastoral care team workers or any Christians interested in supporting bereaved people – whether they are already engaged in bereavement support or are considering the possibility of developing it.

Aim To develop knowledge, skills and understanding of how Christians and others motivated to support the bereaved, can be involved in providing appropriate levels of ongoing support for people who have suffered a bereavement.

OutcomesOn completion of this training you will:• Have gained basic information about the impact bereavement has

on people’s lives and the different ways in which individuals commonly respond

• Be able to identify the basic needs of bereaved people• Begin to recognise levels of support that you can provide, and where and

when to signpost to an appropriate professional.• Have gained information on how to develop your bereavement support

as individuals and churches.• Be able to signpost bereaved people to the range of support services

available nationally• Have gained confidence to support bereaved people

© Care for the Family.8


Key facts and figuresMore than 600,000 – Most are elderly, but a large number die at younger ages. For instance there are over 100,000 people in the UK who have lost their partner before the age of 40 and 300,000 who have lost their partner by the age of 50.

England – 505,859Wales – 34,406Scotland – 58,503Northern Ireland – 15,922Elsewhere – 1,324(Source: Office of National Statistics 2018)

For each death as many as 10 people could be significantly affected eg husband, wife, partner, mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, friend, neighbour or colleague, so some 6 million people are significantly affected by bereavement per annum.

And now we have the issue of the Coronavirus, which the Church of England have estimated will cause significant additional deaths. That means that even more people could be significantly impacted over the next few months.

We also have no idea as to the impact on other causes of death. It may well be that there will be a reduction in the deaths caused on roads, in workplaces etc as a result of the lockdown. But deaths from other issues like cancer, heart attacks and strokes, may increase as a result of the NHS being overstretched.

But whatever the numbers, the current crisis means that normal grieving practices are being severely hampered. The difficulty that comes from social distancing is leaving people unable to grieve in the usual way.



Practical difficultiesEven before the death there may been disruption to care and support for the deceased. Relatives may have been unable to be with their loved ones leading up to and at the time of death. Before the lockdown, the family of a dying patient would have been encouraged to come to the bedside to say goodbye or have those last conversations, and provide comfort. The denial of this basic opportunity, can lead to much heart ache and problems in the grieving process. There is limited opportunity for visiting the body in hospital/funeral parlour etc. This could lead to a more complicated grieving process.

Trying to arrange funerals is made more complicated by the inability to go out freely to meet funeral directors, and other members of the family who may want to be involved in arranging the funeral, and possibly taking part. Whilst technology has fortunately been able to bridge some of these gaps, social distancing and self-isolation are reducing the opportunities to offer physical expressions of sympathy and grieving which is bound to have an impact.

The vast majority of deaths still occur in the older population, where the use of technology is inevitably more limited and the feelings of isolation are increased because of the lack of face to face contact.

Impacts of Social Isolation

Stifling of the usual personal support Limitations on numbers attending the funeral denies the opportunity to meet after the funeral to talk and share memories about the deceased. Not being able to attend the funeral can have a major negative impact on the grieving process. There are going to be a group of people who we could refer to as remote mourners – possibly close family and friends who would normally have helped with arrangements as a way of honouring the deceased. And being denied that is likely to affect their grieving and increase the potential of complicated grief with interventions needed further down the line.

The funeral is for the living not the dead and often kick starts the process of ‘this is real – they aren’t coming back’ and is the first step to acceptance although full acceptance is a long way off! The gathering of family and friends to pay respects is a way we gain support from each other. Deprived of this could lead to a real disconnect with reality as acceptance isn’t kick started.

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Immediately after the death it is now difficult for family and friends to rally round with practical and emotional support. One of the key things a grieving person often craves, is the comfort of others, just to listen and be there as the bereaved pour out their fears, sadness, hurt and all the other emotions that come to the surface.

In many cases the newly-bereaved partner will find themselves being forced to self-isolate for 14 days after their loss, meaning they have no physical touch for two weeks in the time when they may most want that physical contact with other family-members. Again, this may add to the deep anguish in those early days.

All these things mean we are in new territory and need to find new ways of helping people.

Impacts of delayWhilst some limited opportunities are available to hold funerals and receptions, it is likely that for many people it could be months before they are able to hold the “celebration of Life” gathering, where their loved ones can be honoured and they can finally recognise the reality of the death. This could mean people putting grieving on hold, or not accepting the reality of the loss. There is a risk that this later celebration could deny the opportunity to express sadness, all of which further complicates the grieving process.

So there are many things to ponder and reflect on as we set about the task of offering support.



The average cost of a funeral has risen from £1,515 in 2010 to £4,267 in 2019. These figures are from National Association of Undertakers

88% of funerals have some ‘religious’ content, even if only a prayer.

12% of funerals are classified as ‘humanist’, entirely without a religious component. (British Religion in Numbers. The ways we say goodbye. 2011.)

The Church of England conducts funerals for a third of those who die in England. (Statistics for Mission 2013.)

It is likely that each year well over a million people who are significantly affected by bereavement are in contact with a church/Christian minister soon after their loss.

As long as there is adequate support and information, most people cope well following the death of someone significant in their life, although their individual needs will vary greatly.

Support provided by family and friends of bereaved people is vital, but bereaved people also greatly benefit from the support and information that can be identified or provided by agencies involved at the time of bereavement.

Information about bereavement support is not routinely given by funeral directors, registrars and NHS professionals – or churches.

Contents Factors affecting griefCase studies

Section 2: Reactions to bereavement


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Factors affecting griefThe way in which people respond to bereavement is vey complex and influenced by a number of factors.

• Quality and type of relationship with the person who has died.

• How, when and where the person died (for example, sudden or expected, violent or peaceful)

• Age, gender, personality and level of understanding of the grieving person

• Previous experience of significant loss

• Cultural and religious beliefs and influences

• Involvement in mourning rituals (for example, viewing the body after death, attending the funeral)

• Family and social support network

• Other concurrent stressors (for example, responsibilities, relationships, financial)

• Upbringing (learnt behaviour)

Because so many factors have an influence, each person’s response to bereavement is unique to them. Bereaved people need to know that it’s OK to deal with their bereavement in the way that works for them – not to have other people’s or society’s expectations put on them.



Case studiesCase study 1Tom and his partner, Kate, are in their late thirties and have been together for 15 years. They have two children – a boy aged 12 and a girl aged 9. Tom got a promotion at work last year and is enjoying the extra responsibility. The extra salary has enabled them to move off the estate where they have always lived to a bigger house a few miles away. Kate trained as a caterer and has now gone back to work part-time to help with the finances. She has arranged her hours so she can take the children to school and pick them up afterwards. She’s hoping that when the children are older she will have time to set up her own catering business. They have no close family nearby.

Tom and Kate are a quiet, self-contained couple who focus on their children. Tom is a football fanatic and takes his son whenever he can to see their local team while Kate takes her daughter to gymnastic classes. Tom also manages the local under twelves Sunday league team where his son plays. They come to church occasionally, but are not committed members of the fellowship.

Before they got together Tom and Kate both enjoyed sailing. They are starting to save up to buy a small yacht that they plan to use for holidays and at weekends when they have more time.

After feeling unwell for a few weeks, Kate’s doctor took bloods and is concerned at some of her results. She is referred to hospital where aggressive cancer is diagnosed. Despite urgent treatment her condition deteriorates and she dies within a matter of weeks.



If you were supporting Tom:

What practical issues might he have to cope with?

What emotional issues might he have to cope with?



Practical• How is Tom going to look after the children?• How is he going to get them to school, etc.?• Can he keep up their extra-curricular activities?• Can he manage without Kate’s salary?• Was she insured?• If he can’t keep up the mortgage, will they have to move?• With a new house in a new neighbourhood, will support be available?• Can he keep up his responsible job?• Can he do all the jobs that two people used to do?• Were they married? An increasing proportion are not. If not, is there a

will? If they weren’t married and there’s no will, there may be very real problems around finances, ownership of assets, etc.

Emotional• Guilt – should he have got Kate to the doctor’s earlier?• Anger/frustration at being left in this situation.• Feeling overwhelmed.• Loss of companionship/intimacy/shared life.• Loneliness.• Anxiety about the future.• Loss of hopes and dreams for the future.• Worries about bringing up the children on his own.



Case study 2Ted and Ann have been attending church since they were married there over 50 years ago. Their family of two girls and a boy are now all married and only their son lives relatively close to them. The girls keep in touch by phone and Skype as often as they can.

Until recently they had quite an active social life having kept in contact with former work colleagues. However since Ted had major heart surgery three years ago they have had to do less and Ted is finding driving more of a strain. Ann has never learned to drive.

Financially, they are well off as Ted receives a good work pension although Ann doesn’t.

A year ago Ann had a mild stroke which meant Ted had to do more but together they managed.

Last weekend, Ted complained of feeling hot and had lost his sense of smell. While showering, Ted slipped, banging his head. Anne rang 999 and he was ambulanced into hospital. Ann wasn’t well enough to go with him. Within a few hours, the hospital rang Ann to tell her that Ted had tested positive for Covid-19. Ann asked if she could visit Ted but she was told that she needed to self-isolate for 14 days. She told her children by phone but they were unable to visit her. Five days later, Ted died in hospital of Covid-19, with none of his family able to visit him. Ann still had ten days of self-isolation to face



If you were supporting Ann:

What practical issues might she have to deal with?

What emotional issues might she have to cope with?



Practical• With self-isolation and her family living away, who will support Ann

and how? • How will Ann cope around the house alone? • How will she manage to get shopping during self-isolation, and

longer-term? • Will Ann manage without Ted’s pension (she may get a widow’s pension

which could be half of his pension but she may have to live on state pension alone)

• Might Ann have to move into care in the long-run, and in the meantime, how will her day to day care be managed?

• How will a funeral be arranged/mourning rituals be managed for Ann• How can all the practical management be managed eg funeral/will/

registry of death/probate/notifying institutions etc so that her accounts can continue in a single name etc etc

Emotional• Regret, guilt, anguish, resentment at not being able to visit Ted or be

with him when he died • Anxiety about getting Covid-19 herself • Anxiety about all of her practical considerations and her future • Fears about going into care (with added fears given that care homes

have been places where many have died of Covid-19) • Loss of her life partner • Loneliness and/or loss of hope (total physical isolation) • Feeling overwhelmed by lack of comfort and/or physical touch • Feeling confused/overwhelmed by official letters arriving and not being

sure what to do

These case studies are merely examples. Grieving affects anyone suffering a bereavement, and here we include loss through death, be it a family member or close friend, or even celebrity – remember the outpouring of grief when Princess Diana died – but it’s not just death, we also include loss of jobs, livelihoods, and perhaps in the current situation, grief for the loss of what we perceived as normal.

Contents Theories and models of grief

Section 3: Understanding bereavement


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Theories and models of griefTheories and models of grief and bereavement attempt to explain the experience of grief and provide useful frameworks for increasing our understanding of what level and type of support might help.

In order to effectively support bereaved people it is helpful to gain an appreciation of some bereavement support models.

We have found the following four to be particularly effective in the work we have done. It’s important to realise that these theories are tools to aid understanding of what might be happening, not predictors of what will.

Other models that may be of use are Kubler-Ross and Murray Parkes.



WordenRather than seeing grief as a single event that bereaved people need to ‘get over’, William Worden (1989) described grief as a process they need to work through and come to terms with. According to Worden, this involves four key tasks.

1. To accept the reality of loss – not agreeing with it but reaching the point where the reality has sunk in and they don’t for example speak about the person as if they are still here.

2. To experience and work through the pain of grief.3. To adjust to an environment in which the dead person is missing.4. To find an enduring connection with the dead person whilst

reinvesting in life

Continuing bondsThis links with Worden’s fourth task. Rather than totally withdrawing all ties with the deceased, it is now recognised as normal and healthy for bereaved people to maintain a connection or ‘continuing bond’ (Klass et al, 1996) with the person who has died through remembering them. (For example, keeping photographs and marking special dates and anniversaries, whilst also moving on with their life).

Three areas that can be considered might be:• Continuing hobbies or interests or going to places they used to go.• Keeping and displaying or wearing one or more possessions• Noticing how their features or character live on in relatives

The person is in the past, memories are in the present, both lead to a new future.

Dual process model (Stroebe and Schut)Other later theories suggest that grief is dynamic and that someone’s personal circumstances (for example, a single parent of young children) and the type of person they are may mean it’s not always practical or possible to work through the pain of grief immediately. The dual process model of grief (diagram below) demonstrates this, indicating how someone can move in and out of their grief depending on their individual circumstances and personal coping style.

Loss-orientation

Grief work

Yearning/crying

Intrusive thoughts

Restoration-orientation

Avoidance

Denial

Distraction



Tonkin’s model

1. At first, grief (the black ball) seems to fill every part of life (the circle).

2. People usually think that in time grief will shrink while life stays the same …

3. ... until grief is a small part of a life that is still the same.

4. Tonkin’s model says that the grief doesn’t shrink, but that new ‘bigger’ lives can grow around that grief.

5. Tonkin’s model still shows grief as a small part of life – but it is the life that has grown rather than the grief that has shrunk.

This is helpful for the bereaved as they can sometimes not want to move forward for fear of losing what they have of the person. If they seek to address the challenges of bereavement they will grow around the grief and take the person with them into a new life.



Psalm 126 This psalm contains a good biblical model corresponding with many well-researched bereavement models:

“Those who go out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” (NIV)

Weeping It’s OK for bereaved people to express and understand emotions.

Going outLife goes on. In time, re-engagement with life is necessary.

Carrying seeds The bereavement journey can be better travelled believing in seeds of hope – that there can be a new, but different future.

Songs of joyEventually there can still be enjoyment of life.

Carrying sheavesThe seeds of hope can grow into a new, fulfilling life.

Contents Dealing with strong emotionsComplicated grief Effective communication Responses to loss

Section 4: Working with bereaved people


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Dealing with strong emotionsBereavement can generate strong emotions which many people can express verbally and physically.

Case studyBeth’s mother, Margaret, has been living in a care home for some time since Beth’s father died. She is physically very frail and has begun to show signs of dementia. Beth is her only child and has her own family and demanding job but she tries to visit her mum as often as possible. She feels that maybe the care her mum is getting is sometimes lacking but wonders how to check this out.

Recently, after a very busy time at work, followed by a family holiday, Beth wasn’t able to see her mum for some weeks but was reassured by the home that all was well. The home then rang her to advise that her mother had a temperature but was receiving medical attention.

Reassured, but still feeling anxious, Beth made arrangements to go over to visit the following weekend. On the Friday morning before Beth visited, she had a phone call from the home saying that her mother had died during the night.

Beth approached the church to ask about funeral services and seemed quite calm, although understandably upset. When you visit the following day you find her sobbing and distraught. Since making contact with you, Beth had rung the GP in charge of her mother’s care, who had mentioned the word, ‘virus’ but was unable to answer questions about the death certificate at that point.

Beth is convinced the doctor and the home are hiding that her mother died of ‘coronavirus’, saying she ‘should have gone sooner.’ She is also very angry that the home doesn’t seem to care; they’ve said that she can’t go and collect her mother’s belongings as, due to social distancing, the home is not permitting non-essential visitors.

Beth has no idea where they are keeping her mum’s precious photos and fears they will go missing during the weeks and months of lock down ahead. She has heard that funeral services may not be able to go ahead and demands to know what you’re going to do about it – and what does this coronavirus mean about getting a death certificate and registering the death now?



Why do you think Beth may have these strong emotions and why do you think she has expressed them?

How would you cope with Beth’s expressions of emotion? What would you say and what would you do?



Why do you think Beth may have these strong emotions and why doyou think she has expressed them?

These are some of the ideas you may have discussed

• She’s feeling guilty that she hadn’t been able to visit her mum more often when she was alive

• She feels guilty that she had waited when she first heard her mum wasn’t well, but especially guilty that she wasn’t there when her mum died

• She feels guilty that she hadn’t pressed her earlier concerns more strongly

• She’s angry because she thinks the home is not telling her the truth about her mum’s death

• She’s angry because she thinks the doctor is covering up the coronavirus in the home and that he was disrespectful to Beth

• She’s angry because she thinks the home is also showing disrespect and especially because she can’t collect her mum’s belongings

• She’s angry with the lack of answers to her questions about how to proceed in lockdown

• The perceived lack of truth and disrespect of both the home and the doctor is feeding Beth’s perception of the way her mum was treated and the perceived lack of care

• She’s expressing emotions strongly now because you are providing a safe place to do so

• She was expecting a ‘normal’ order of things - to collect her mum’s things, arrange a funeral for her family and friends to attend, but instead, there is fear and uncertainty hanging over her

• She is wanting reassurances from you as a representative of ‘someone who knows about death’ where other similar figures of responsibility (like the doctor, the home) haven’t answered her questions

• She doesn’t know what to do with her thoughts and emotions – she hopes you can help



How would you cope with Beth’s expressions of emotion? What would you say and what would you do?

These are some of the points you may have discussed

• Don’t be affected yourself by the issues

• Don’t agree or disagree with what Beth is suggesting about the home and the doctor – just listen and say how especially difficult this must be for her

• The most important thing to do is give her a listening ear and to try to understand why she’s so emotional. Just knowing that someone cares and has listened can dissipate strong emotions

• Beth’s emotions are entirely understandable and even more so as this time of the many consequences of the coronavirus crisis create extra burdens for the bereaved to bear. You should make a mental note that Beth may need additional help later on to resolve her feelings and not hold onto them – that she may need signposting to counselling in the future. Do say that you’ll try to help her with what concerns her and help her prioritise what needs to be done first (be careful not to make any promises that you might not be able to keep)

• If asked directly what you think, say that you don’t know enough to make a judgement. Over time, help her to find out some of the facts that are alluding her at the moment.

• Reassure her that you will help her to think through the different options for a funeral and/or a delayed memorial service along with suggestions for other ways to mark her mum’s life

Anger and guilt are two strong emotions that are frequently experienced by bereaved people, and they are perfectly normal. However they will not always be present, so please don’t give bereaved people the impression that they have somehow not grieved properly if they haven’t exhibited these emotions. We must constantly remind ourselves and in turn the bereaved people we are supporting, that there is no such thing as the correct way to grieve. Every bereavement and grief journey is unique.



Complicated griefA minority of bereaved people will experience complex grief, although this may not always be noticeable to begin with.

Complicated grief features:• Prolonged and intense yearning and longing for the person who has died• Recurrent intrusive and distressing thoughts• Difficulty concentrating and accepting what has happened• Difficulty moving beyond acute state of mourning • Feeling that life is now meaningless and will never change• Inability to cope with everyday demands of daily life

All these indicators will normally be present in the first few months of bereavement. However, symptoms of distress that endure for many months and significantly impair a person’s functioning in their everyday life should be considered as possible complicated grief.

Although many factors contribute, complicated grief is more likely in these situations:

• The death of a child• Suicide• ‘Lifestyle’ deaths – for example, drugs overdose• Sudden, traumatic death• Death of a relatively young person• Death where there is no body• Murder or manslaughter• Multiple bereavements• Victims of a global pandemic

In the current circumstances where it is very possible that close relatives and friends will not have been present at the death, and maybe not at the funeral, this may very easily lead to complicated grief.

One of the problems that we may encounter is a lack of specialists available to support people in these circumstances, and we may therefore need to be prepared to support such people longer than might be the case in normal times. We would however stress the need to know our limitations. Unnecessary harm can be done if we try to work beyond our abilities. Be a listening ear and a (virtual) shoulder to cry on, and a practical help, but don’t be tempted to stray into areas that are outside your knowledge.



Effective communicationPeople can sometimes feel unsure about what support they can or should offer to the family and friends of someone who has died. Many feel they would like to say something but are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing and causing upset. In reality they are often more likely to get it wrong by saying nothing at all, although choosing what to say and when to say it does need consideration. Responses like these can be comforting and demonstrate that you care: “I’m sorry to hear about the death of your mother”“I can’t imagine how you are feeling”

Some people may feel they don’t have the authority, time or necessary skills to handle difficult conversations or strong emotions and thus avoid saying or doing anything. That can be particularly painful to bereaved people.

Specific training is needed to provide effective one-to-one or group emotional support to bereaved people, but there is much that can still be done to meet their needs by those who have empathic gifts and who understand basic communication skills.

When we are communicating with bereaved people, we can demonstrate that we care, that we understand, and that we want to help by:

• Our body language 55%

• The tone of our voice 38%

• The words we say 7%



Encouraging responses• I see, would you like to tell me more about that

• Take your time, I’m still here

• That must have been very difficult

Remember:• Don’t rush to speak just to fill awkward silences. Listening is important.

• Let people know tears are OK – have some tissues ready.

• Reassure them that nothing they say is ‘wrong’ – validate their thoughts and feelings.

• Be careful with touch. Make sure its appropriate, required and acceptable to the other person.

• Don’t share your own experience of loss unless asked (at least not initially).

• Being there and listening is more important than finding the ‘right’ words.

• Explain that you will not share what they tell you unless absolutely necessary.

• Don’t try to fix the problem, rather validate the pain and feelings.

• Be careful how and when you talk about spiritual matters. Assure them of God’s love and presence regardless of how distant God might feel.

• Don’t give answers or advice out of your own experience. Work through the issues with them and try to help them to resolve these themselves.

Listening is the vital skill• Try to discern the feelings

• Reflect back uses phrases like: “It sounds like...” ; “So what I think you are saying”

Allison

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In reality, there’s no absolute right or wrong thing to say or do when supporting bereaved people as everyone’s experiences will be different. However, there are some common things that people do or say that are usually considered unhelpful or unsympathetic.

Unhelpful things people can say include:• “I know exactly how you’re feeling”• “Time is a great healer”• “It’s a blessing in disguise”• “At least he/she got to live to be that age”• “Oh, well, you’re young enough to have another child”

Responses that can be unhelpful for bereaved people can include:• People not mentioning what has happened• People crossing the road to avoid speaking to you • People overwhelming you with their experiences of loss• Being told not to cry• Being told to get on with life• Being told to cheer up• Being expected to be back to normal after a couple of months• Scripture being quoted to you out of context and in an insensitive way

(for example, Romans 8:28)

Saying something is nearly always better than saying nothing at all. But Christian platitudes and cliches can be very hurtful and should be avoided.

We can remind them of God’s comfort and presence, but do tread warily. We would suggest this only if the person you are talking to indicates that they are open to this. Psalm 46 v1 can be appropriate: ”God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”



Guidelines for telephone supportPreparing for the call• Assuming you are going to be pro-active and make the call, we suggest

the following to prepare for the call • Make sure other people in the house know that you are making a private

call and not to disturb you • Make sure you have a comfortable, safe space to talk where you won’t

be interrupted. • Make sure you have enough time to give the bereaved person as long as

they need to talk. • Make sure you have all the things you may need during the call within

easy reach. This may include a drink, pen and paper or tissues. • You may wish to keep some notes during the call – they can act as a

simple memory jog for a future call. Do remember confidentiality and do not leave notes where others can see them. And make sure you destroy them once the support finishes

• Take time to pray and ask for wisdom and guidance during the call. Ask someone else to pray for you.

• It may be that the bereaved person calls you, in which case you may not have time for this preparation. In this case we would suggest that you explain that you are going to your office/study/quiet room /private space to take the call. They will feel valued that you are taking that time and trouble. You might want to have a place where you routinely go if you had prepared the call, and leave things like a bottle of water, paper pens etc there so you know they will be available.



During the call • Gentle exploration in helping the person to tell their story is often a good

place to start. • Encourage them to expand on what they have shared. • It is important that they feel heard. Never be tired of listening to their story. • Use active listening skills – reflecting, paraphrasing, encouraging and

checking your understanding of what they have said. • Do not be afraid of silences. There is sometimes a desire to fill the

silences but in most instances it is better to wait for the person to decide how to continue and where they want the conversation to go. Use responses such as ‘I’m still here’, ‘Mmmm’, ‘Yes’, ‘Go on’, ‘Take your time’, as ways of encouraging them to talk

• Don’t share your own experience of loss unless the person specifically asks you. And keep it brief

• Don’t try to fix the problem or offer advice from your own experiences. This is their grief journey and they need to work it out for themselves.

• Be wary of how and when you talk about spiritual matters. In general you should only enter this area where the person has indicated that they are willing/wanting to do so.

• Should you hear a background noise or intrusion it may be inappropriate to continue the conversation. It may be helpful to arrange another call if the person feels uncomfortable with someone else coming into the room

To end the call • It is vital that the bereaved person feels ‘heard’ and not ‘cut off’ so how

the conversation finishes is very important. • When you feel that it is time, you may draw the conversation to a

conclusion with comments such as ‘So, can we leave it there?’ or ‘No doubt you are feeling exhausted, shall we leave it for now?’

• Where appropriate make arrangements for another call. Do not finish the conversation without either of you knowing what comes next.



How you can helpDO DON’TDo talk to me – even if you don’t know what to say. Knowing you are sorry about my loss is a good start.

Don’t avoid me – it hurts so much when you cross the road when you see me coming rather than be willing to face me.

Do give me space to be as I am, tears and all. Don’t try to discourage my tears and please be willing to cry with me too.

Don’t worry about feeling ‘awkward’ – be normal, yourself, my friend – I am still the same person.

Do talk about my loved one who has died. I love to hear your memories of him/her.

Don’t ignore my loss, or avoid asking questions about my loved one who has died.

Do keep in touch; keep phoning, especially as weeks turn into months and years. Be available.

Don’t wait to be asked for help – initially there is so much help I need with just about everything.

Do listen – it can be more important than what you say. Sometimes I just need to know that I am heard.

Don’t come out with platitudes, trite answers or comments. Right now all I want is to have him/her back.

Do give practical support. I’m not able to cope with routine at the moment so providing meals, help at home and with my children is vital.

Don’t overload me with responsibilities – for a while it will be all I can cope with to get out of bed and get dressed.

Do offer specific help – “I’ll pick the children up on Friday, take them out, give them tea and bring them back at six.”

Don’t phone and just say, “Let me know if I can help”and leave it at that.

Do still talk about every day things that matter as well. I’m still interested in you and what is going on around me, but ‘small talk’ can seem very trivial.

If you have a faith, don’t be super-spiritual and feel you have to defend God’s case.

Do be aware that there will be times when I don’t feel able to talk – but this doesn’t mean I won’t want to talk at another time.

Don’t feel you have to do something – just be there.

Do invite me out to coffee or lunch – just for me to have a change of scene for a while.

Don’t tell me that you’ve been too busy to phone or get in touch. Better to say “I didn’t know what to say.”

Do remember that appearances can be deceptive – I may look as if I’m coping OK, but inside I may be falling apart.

Don’t ask me how I am if you only want to hear “I’m OK thank you.” Be prepared for the truth.



DO DON’TDo remember that there is no time limit on the grief journey – it will go on long after others expect. Please walk that road with me.

Don’t expect me to ‘be over it’ – I will never get over it, but I will adapt and find a way to adjust to life as it is from now on.

Do still invite me to events and parties, but understand if sometimes I feel unable to go or have to leave early.

Don’t avoid the issue publicly – such as when other people are around in school, church etc.

Do be ready to listen to all the jumble of emotions I may be feeling without being judgemental.

Don’t try and give me answers – it is unlikely that you will have any that will satisfy me. Just allow me to express all my fears, questions and doubts.

Do encourage me to be kind to myself and not to push myself to meet other people’s expectations of how I should be.

Don’t measure the way I react and the emotions I express by your own expectations or experience. My grief is unique to me.

Do show sensitivity. Ring first – don’t just turn up at the door. Although sometimes it may be just the break I need, be prepared for me to say that I can’t cope with company just now.

Don’t try to find something positive about the death of the person I’m grieving for.

Do help with planning and suggestions for the funeral – you could spend months thinking of a wedding and just a few days for a funeral. The details are very important.

Don’t think that death puts a ban on laughter. Remembering and enjoying the good times we had together is important and helps me to heal.

Contents The needs of bereaved peopleHow we can help as individualsWhat the Church or community could organiseNext stepsResources

Section 5: Providing support


5

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The needs of bereaved peopleBereaved people will have specific needs according to their individual circumstances, but there are some needs that will be common to most:

• For their grief to be ‘normalised’ not minimised – to understand that their thoughts and feelings are only to be expected when they have suffered significant loss.

• To understand a little more about the bereavement journey they are on and to be given strategies to help them while they are on it.

• To understand that their bereavement journey is unique to them, that they will get through (not over!) it – and that there is no time limit on it.

• To feel understood, listened to and supported.

• To know that there is hope for the future and that there can be a new ‘normal’ life that is not the same as before, yet can still be good.

• To be given information on the availability of, and how to access, support services.

• To receive practical support – particularly in the days and weeks after the death.

• To have the opportunity to explore spiritual issues (including if they already have a faith).

Revd Canon Yvonne Richmond Tulloch’s experience over recent years of providing faith questions in bereavement workshops has revealed that believers and non believers alike tend to ask the following questions:

• Where has God gone/does God exist? • Does God care?• Why didn’t God intervene?• Why didn’t God heal?• Who goes to heaven?• What happens after we die?• Can the dead see us and can we talk to them?• What difference does suicide make?



Getting to know the need – are we organised?Many communities have been distributing leaflets offering help during the crisis. Could we do something similar, perhaps speaking to local community organisers for their wisdom. There is a real opportunity here to work with other sectors of the community and build strong new working relationships.

Many local authorities and community groups are under real strain, and are likely to be highly receptive to genuine offers of help. But we need to be sensitive. Offering help rather than barging in and trying to take over.



What help can we offerPractical support • Helping with funeral arrangements

1. The funeral is one of the main acts of public mourning ritual we have, and one possibility is to defer a memorial service until all this is over. We could suggest that a grieving person may not necessarily have been deprived totally of public mourning, but it has been delayed. This could be a comfort to some and can provide more time to plan, when life is calmer and not so much to do with wills and probate, which could be a benefit for some! There may be a time when mourning in public at a memorial service can be arranged to strengthen bonds between the bereaved person and their circle of close family and friends and others who will help them in the grieving process.

2. Support during the funeral – There will still have to be a funeral even during this period of lockdown. If the bereaved person cannot attend for any reason there are things we could suggest that might help. E.g.- Light a candle- Help set up the tech required to access the livestreamFacilitators instructions – refer participants to the 10 suggestions for planning a funeral which is on the web page.- Plant the deceased’s favourite flower, or play their favourite song

• Shopping; collecting medications, dropping off meals where appropriate

• Telephone/Video call support – Video call support should be offered after you have made initial contact.

• Signposting to specialist – Ataloss; Loss and Hope

• Local community support websites



Mourning support

ActivityConsider ways that the bereaved person might be encouraged to work through their grief during this time of social distancing and self isolation.



Here are some of the ways in which the bereaved person might work through their grief where social distancing has become a barrier to accessing the usual forms of support.

Remember to pick ideas that seem particularly relevant to the person you are supporting. Be sensitive. Suggesting they watch videos if they are blind is not going to be helpful. You need to understand the person before attempting to help them with practical ideas.

• Remembering (not all these will suit all people grieving): • Journaling, writing a letter to the loved one, writing down cherished

memories, composing a poem to them, writing their story• Drawing, painting, modelling - creating something that reminds them of

their loved one• Playing music that was special to the loved one or to their relationship • Watching videos of them can be exceptionally painful but also

deeply comforting• Looking at photos – perhaps sorting them into ‘earliest memories’,

‘special occasions’, ‘personal memories’, ‘family memories’ etc• Then perhaps each day choosing a different selection. Dwell on the

photos and focus on the emotions – positive and negative. Maybe journal, write them down.

• Cook their loved one’s favourite meal• Watch a film/TV programme you enjoyed watching together• Create a new tradition in the home like lighting a candle lay a mealtime

or maybe once a week; put a photo of them in a special place and keep things near to it that remind you of them

• Look through things of the loved one that are a comfort to you – perhaps a particular sweater, cuddly toy, spectacles etc! Hold them and think about that person then put them back down when they are ready!

• Make a memory box, for all the mementoes to be put in, would be a really practical thing we could do.

• Suggestions about how friends and relatives can be asked for support. One of the key difficulties as we touched on earlier is the difficulty of family and friends being able to offer the normal support mechanisms, but there may be ways of mitigating the difficulties.

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What the Church or community could organiseThe Bereavement Journey is now available online – Bereaved people could be encouraged to sign up – www.htb.org/thebereavementjourney

Set up a virtual bereavement support group – Again using an online video conferencing facility or Whatsapp

You do need to be aware of the technical issues. Many of the people needing support will be elderly and lacking either devices capable of using this technology or the skills to use it. You need to consider how you might be able to overcome these difficulties

Memorial service once the social distancing restrictions have been lifted. There are a list of possible resources on the web page

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Wider considerationsDependencyThere are some circumstances and situations that may cause the bereaved person to become dependent on the supporter:

• Loneliness

• Having “no-one else who understands”

• Inability (or unwillingness) to cope with practical necessities

• Emotional attachment

Remember: Your role is to walk with the bereaved person and facilitate their recovery and re-investment in a new life and new relationships. Those working in one-to-one and group bereavement support must be able to recognise signs of dependency and deal with it.

Children and griefChildren and young people grieve in different ways to adults. There are high risks of negative outcomes for children and young people if they are bereaved of a parent or sibling. Providing support for bereaved children and young people can be difficult.

However, information can be given about the specialist help that is available from child bereavement organisations. ListeningPeople training is available from AtaLoss.org, to provide support for young people who are grieving.

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Self-careGiving one-to-one or group bereavement support can become emotionally and physically exhausting. It is important to recognise when it is better to start looking after ourselves rather than supporting others.

Circumstances in which it would be advisable to take a break from bereavement support could include:

• Suffering a recent close bereavement (we may still be grieving ourselves and may not be in the best place to help)

• Finding it increasingly difficult to ‘switch off’ after each session• Thinking that hearing the story again would be just too painful• Becoming more irritable with family and friends• Not sleeping well

Churches should, wherever possible, have in place a support and accountability structure that will recognise the dangers and encourage supporters to ‘take time out’.

It is essential to keep confidential anything that is said to you by those you are supporting. The only exception to this is if you become concerned about their safety or the safety of others. In these circumstances you must talk to your Pastoral Care organiser or other responsible adult.

You may also talk more generally to your Pastoral Care organiser or other responsible adult. who should also maintain confidentiality (with the same proviso with regard to safety).



Further informationDespite the heartache and pain, many people get through their bereavement with the support of family and friends. However, finding additional support, especially specialist organisations or local support groups, can be very helpful. For some, the grief journey will be long and complicated and additional support will be necessary.

Comprehensive information about bereavement support resources and organisations, together with lots of useful information can be found at www.ataloss.org. AtaLoss.org is a one-stop-shop website for signposting the bereaved to UK wide support organisations, resources and information. By means of a simple filter system the bereaved (or those seeking to help them), can quickly and easily find national and local services which are appropriate to the particular bereavement, whether that be by the type of death, the age of the person bereaved or the relationship. All the main bereavement services and charities are on the website so helpful support can be found quickly and easily, and local support initiatives are increasing. AtaLoss.org would like to hear of local church support initiatives to add to the website so that the bereaved can find them and come along.



ResourcesThe following resources are really helpful insights into bereavement, and some of the support services that are available. They can either be ordered directly from Care for the Family, or from the relevant publishers as detailed.

• Walking Through the Valley• Care for the Family information leaflet• AtaLoss.org/Loss and HOPE information leaflet• Care for the Family Bereaved Parent Support leaflet• Care for the family Widowed Young Support leaflet• Other Care for the Family literature• AtaLoss.org materials

• Insight into Bereavement book published by CWR (useful for supporters only).• First Steps Through Bereavement by Sue Mayfield (useful for supporters

and bereaved people).• The Path Not Chosen booklet published by CWR, and Living with Loss

published by LifeWords (both are for churches to give to bereaved people).• Faith Questions in Bereavement booklet by Revd Canon Yvonne

Richmond Tulloch.

We have also pulled together videos, articles, and many other resources and these are available on our web site. Click on the link, or type in the following URL (to be finalised) into your browser and follow the links

AtaLoss.org is a signposting website that enables anyone suffering a bereavement, to find the support they need when they need it.

Local Authority/Local CouncilEvery local authority adult social services department, should have a database of services provided to and from the community on a range of areas that can support bereaved people, including any bereavement support groups and training, so it’s well worth checking what they have to offer



Other resourcesBereavement can have significant impact on all areas of family life and Care for the Family is also able to offer a wide range of support and resources in the areas of parenting and marriage. Information about this is available at this training event and at www.careforthefamily.org.uk.

The Bereavement Care Awareness course can only give an appreciation of the issues surrounding bereavement support. Other helpful books and resources can be found at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bereavement, but five in particular will be useful for churches thinking about supporting bereaved people:

• Insight into Bereavement by Diana Priest and Wendy Bray, published by CWR, Waverley Abbey House, Waverley Lane, Farnham, Surrey GU9 8EP (www.cwr.org.uk).

• First Steps Through Bereavement by Sue Mayfield, published by Lion Hudson, Wilkinson House, Jordan Hill Road, Oxford OX2 8DR. This can also usefully be given to bereaved people.

• The Path Not Chosen, published by CWR, Waverly Abbey House, Waverly Lane, Farnham, Surrey, GU9 8EP (www.cwr.org.uk). This is a very helpful booklet to give to bereaved people (Christian or not) that will help them to better understand the journey they are on.

• Living with Loss is available from LifeWords (www.sgmlifewords.com). This is a smaller booklet with more Christian content.

• Faith Questions in Bereavement by Revd Canon Yvonne Richmond Tulloch (available through www.thebereavementjourney.org) provides a personal Christian perspective to answer the 10 most frequently asked spiritual questions when people are bereaved.



Other useful resources are:

• Grief, Loss and Pain in Churches by Bill Merrington, published by Kevin Mayhew, Buxhall, Stowmarket, IP14 3BW. This is helpful for churches wanting to explore the wider area of loss in much more detail.

• A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser, published by Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530. Following the deaths of his mother, wife and daughter in a car accident, the author describes how he considers that God had “stretched his soul” through his loss.

• Walking In Their Shadow, by Lex Bradley, published by Barnabas in Churches. This resource aims to equip children’s and youth workers, church leaders and those working in a chaplaincy context to support bereaved children and young people.

• ToughStuff Journal from AtaLoss.org for helping young people process grief.

• The Bereavement Journey, produced by Holy Trinity Brompton, available through www.thebereavementjourney.org). This is a course for bereaved people that can be run by churches

• Grave Talk, produced by the Church of England, is a resource to help people think about death.

• Pastoral Care training for churches is provided by Pastoral Care UK, which is part of the Association of Christian Counsellors. This can be run in different formats, including homegroup-based training. For further details see www.acc-uk.org/pastoral-care/training-resources.html and follow links to Pastoral Care.

• Details of the Bereavement Care Service Standards can be found at www.cruse.org.uk/bcss.

This information is supplied in good faith, but Care for the Family cannot accept responsibility for any advice or recommendations made by other organisations or resources.



Personal reflection

What is the most helpful thing I’ve learned about bereavement support during this training?

What might I do to help support the bereaved or improve my support of the bereaved?

What could I do to help improve bereavement support in my church?



What one activity would I like to start/get involved with?

What one thing could I do next?



ConclusionTo grieve is natural and necessary but the grief journey is not generally understood today. The bereaved don’t always understand themselves what they are going through and need more community and local support. Everyone’s grief journey is unique – there are no rights or wrongs just what feels right for them.

Nobody ever fully gets over a bereavement, grieving is about learning how to live with the loss. But with people coming alongside, listening and offering practical support, and signposting to further help, the bereaved will in time have worked through their loss and reach a new normal which is stable and good, after which they need continued understanding for the future!



Evaluation form – online trainingPlease help us improve Bereavement Care Awareness by giving us your feedback today. Thank you.

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Please give each facilitator a score out of 7 for how well you think they ran the course:

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1. How effective was this training in:

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2: Slightly helpful

3: Quite helpful

4: Very helpful

Helping you understand the needs of bereaved people

Helping you understand the role the church can play in supporting bereaved people

Helping you understand the skills needed to support bereaved people

Giving you information on signposting bereaved people and the range of bereavement services available

Helping you to decide how you/your church might be able to better support bereaved people

2. Will you be doing anything differently as a result of this training? If yes, please say what:

3. How could we improve the training?



4. Are there any other comments you would like to make about the training?

5. What one thing will you do next?

6. What is one activity I would like to start/get involved with?

Please tick any of the following boxes if you would like to receive further information about our work in these areas. We will only send information on the areas you tell us you are interested in.

Bereavement support Marriage Parenting

By completing your contact details below we will send you a free resource that will help you and your church support bereaved people and a certificate of attendance. If you tick the Bereavement support box above, we will notify you of future bereavement related events that you may wish to pass onto people you are supporting. By providing us with your email address we can send you the link to the dedicated resources page on our website.

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Please print off the form, complete it, scan it and email to: [email protected]

The Bereavement Care Awareness course is produced by Care for the Family, a registered charity. We work throughout the UK to promote strong family life and to help those who face family difficulties.

Care for the Family is a national charitywhich aims to promote strong family life

and to help those who face family difficulties.

Call: 029 2081 0800Visit: www.careforthefamily.org.uk

Email: [email protected]

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