our english word “grief” originally comes from the …...our english word “grief” originally...
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Our English word “grief” originally comes from the Anglo-French literally meaning “injustice, calamity or heaviness.” There are some 20 Hebrew words translated in the King James Version of the Bible as “grief,” “grieve,” to be grieved,” etc. Its definition can express a sense of weakness and sometimes speaks of a deep sickness in the soul.
Isaiah 53:10 prophetically defines Jesus’
grief as meaning to “crush Him
incurably.” It can mean “weariness of
toil,” “suffering,” “pain,” “bitterness,”
“a cause of staggering,” to “faint,”
“sour,” or sometimes implies being
“bitterly or violently moved.”
In Psalm 73:21, “For my soul was grieved” in Hebrew means “was in ferment.” In Acts 4:2 and 16:18 the word is translated “to groan or sigh.”
The uses and instances of the word “grief” are notably less frequent in the New Testament which is beautifully significant because Christ came to conquer death and comfort all who are grieving.
He came to give a garland of praise for
ashes, joy for mourning, the garment of
praise for a spirit of heaviness, and of
course, to turn our mourning into
dancing.
Susan VandePol
Life After Breath
When grief is your companion, you
experience it psychologically through
your feelings, thoughts and attitudes. It
impacts you socially as you interact with
others. You experience it physically as it
affects your health and is expressed in
bodily symptoms. Your body grieves and
your mind grieves.
It flits in and out of your life. It is a natural, normal, predictable, and expected reaction. It is not an abnormal response. In fact just the opposite is true. The absence of grief is abnormal. Grief is your own personal experience. Your loss does not have to be accepted or validated by others for you to experience and express grief.
Therese A. Rando, Grieving: How to God On Living When Someone You Love Dies
A hopeful Scripture which reflects upon this
is Psalm 73:26, “My mind and my body
may grow weak, but God is my strength;
he is all I ever need.”
“Each person’s grief is like all other
people’s grief, each person’s grief is like
some other person’s grief, and each
person’s grief is like no other person’s
grief.”
But why grief? Why do we have to go
through this experience? What is the
purpose? Grief responses express
basically three things:
* Through grief you express your
feeling about your loss.
* Through grief you express your
protest at the loss as well as your
desire to change what happened
and have it not be true.
* Through grief you express the effects
you have experienced from the
devastating impact of the loss.
Therese Rando
Grief is defined as intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc; acute sorrow; deep sadness.” The word is derived from a Latin verb meaning “to burden.”
Mourn is defined as “to feel or to express sorrow.” Mourning is the expression of grief.
Bereave means “to leave in a sad or lonely state, as loss or death.” In Old English the word meant “to deprive or rob.”
Loss produces an ache, an emptiness, a
sadness.
Crisis throws us off balance and into a
state of shock, panic and uncertainty.
Trauma is a wounding. It overwhelms our
senses and rewires our brain.
I. Let’s distinguish between Loss,
Crisis, and Trauma
L R
Loss
Crisis
Trauma
L R
Loss
Significant Loss or
Crisis
Trauma
Numbness
Stunned
Shock
Disorientation
Floods
It Overwhelms
L R
LossCrisis
Trauma
Trauma
May change brain
chemistry. Memory
deficit. Damage
to brain structure.
Trauma separates the
left and the right side
of the brain.
In normal time, you move from one
moment to the next, sunrise to sunset,
birth to death. After trauma, you may
move in circles, find yourself being
sucked backwards into an eddy, or
bouncing about like a rubber ball from
now to then, and back again.
Chief among the crimes that trauma
commits against the mind is the
distortions of memory it introduces. In the
face of terror, the mind skips straight over
some things and perversely overrecords
others.
You’re stuck with what one Marine calls “a
mind tattoo.”
One of the many paradoxes of trauma
damage occurs when you remember
too much, and damage occurs when
you remember too little.
David J. Morris, The Evil Hours
Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe
inside their body. The past is alive in the
form of gnawing interior discomfort.
Bessel van der Kolk
The Body Keeps Score
Traumatization is about being trapped in
the incomplete act of escape.
PTSD is having memories you don’t want to
have. It’s being led by the worst part of
your memory.
Trauma is a blister on the right side of the
brain.
But trauma is not a life sentence!
There is hope.
The “crazy” feelings of grief are actually
a sane response to grief. The following
examples are all symptoms of normal
grief:
• distorted thinking patterns, “crazy
and/or irrational thoughts, fearful
thoughts
• feelings of despair and hopelessness
• out of control or numbed emotions
• changes in sensory perceptions (sight,
tasted, smell, etc.)
• increased irritability
• may want to talk a lot or not at all
• memory lags and mental “short-
circuits”
• inability to concentrate
• obsessive focus on the loved one
• losing track of time
• increase or decrease of appetite
and/or sexual desire
• difficulty falling or staying asleep
• dreams in which the deceased seems
to visit the griever
• nightmares in which death themes are
repeated
• physical illness like the flu, headaches
or other maladies
• shattered beliefs about life, the world,
and even God
• face in the crowd syndrome
Grief will take longer than you’ve
imagined. It tends to intensify at
three months, special dates and the
one year anniversary.
Grief is a journey, a process and there
is resolution.
Identify or recognize invisible or
secondary losses.
friend
provider
handyman
cook
lover
bill payer
gardener
laundry person
companion
confidante
sports partner
mentor
checkbook balancer
prayer partner
mechanic
source of inspiration or
insight
identity
teacher
motivator
counselor
business partner
protector
errand person
organizer
encourager
in-law support
couple’s class
financial adjustment
social adjustment
feeling of safety
•tax preparer
•couple friends
When you lie down you shall not be afraid; yes, you shall lie down and your sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden terror and strong, nor of the stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the wicked when it comes [for you will be guiltless], For the Lord shall be your confidence, firm and strong, and shall keep you foot from being caught [in a trap or hidden danger].
Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP
You will not be afraid when you go to bed
and you will sleep soundly through the
night.
Psalm 3:5, Good News Bible
If I’m sleepless at midnight, I spend the
hours in grateful reflection.
Psalm 63:6, The Msg
When my anxious thoughts multiply
within me, Your consolations delight
my soul. Psalm 94:19
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for
you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in
safety. Psalm 4:8
In a dream, a vision of the night
When sound sleep falls on men,
Then He opens the ears of men,
And seals their instruction. (Job 33:15-
16).
Dear God,
We give thanks for the darkness of the night where lies the world of dreams. Guide us closer to our dreams so that we may be nourished by them. Give us good dreams and memory of them so that we may carry their poetry and mystery into our daily lives
Grant us deep and restful sleep that we may wake refreshed with strength enough to renew a world grown tired.
We give thanks for the inspiration of stars,
the dignity of the moon and the lullabies
of crickets and frogs.
Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a
sanctuary of peace, where silence shall
be music to our hearts and darkness shall
throw light upon our souls. Good night.
Sweet dreams. Amen
Michael Leuing, A Common Prayer
Understanding and using the tasks of grief as your primary therapeutic approach
Task #1: Recognize and accept that your loved one has died and is unable to return.
Task #2: Express all the emotions associated with the death of your loved one.
Task #3: Identify, summarize, and find a place to store the memories of your loved one which will honor the life of that person and make room to move on.
Task #4: Identify who you are now, independent of your prior connection with your loved one.
Task #5: Reinvest in life as an individual without your deceased loved one. You have a new normal.
1) Through grief you express your
feelings about your loss.
2) Through grief you express your
protest at the loss
3) Through grief you express the
effects you have experienced from
the loss.
1) The person in grief needs to find the
words for the loss.
2) Say the words aloud.
3) Know that the words have been
heard.
Without
Intruder
Yearning
Ache
Unreality
Fog
Some individuals are intuitive grievers.
For them:
1. Feelings are intensely experienced.
They want and need to express them.
Some individuals are instrumental
grievers.
1. They think of their grief more than feel
it: Feelings are less intense.
The parents as well as three siblings of a twenty-three-year-old woman came in for grief counseling. All were neat, well dressed and fairly quiet. The parents were first to speak about their daughter. They began with a description which characterized her as a quality young woman, their first born in the family. She was gifted in every area of her life and had a bright future ahead of her.
The parents went into great detail about her abilities and accomplishments, stopping every now and then because of their inability to talk. Often all five were in tears. Two weeks prior she and her seven-month old unborn child and her mother-in-law were driving on a freeway when a truck struck and killed all of them. Since that time every member of this family has been struggling.
Questions
1. How would you begin this session?
Describe your exact words.
2. What would be your goal in this initial
session?
3. What would you say or ask to engage
the three siblings?
4.What would you want them to take
away from this session in a tangible
way?
5. Based on this information identify all
the possible grievers.
6. What are the factors which contribute
to this loss being a complicated
grieving process?
1. After greeting each person I would
validate the fact they have experienced
a great loss in their life. If I didn’t know
already I would ask the name of the
daughter as well as the mother-in-law
and whenever I made reference to
either I would use their name rather than
refer to them in a general way. One of
the first questions I ask is, “Tell me about
(the daughter) and
have each of the family respond.
Too often children are left out of the
interaction. After each has responded
my next question is, “Would you
describe for me what the last two
weeks has been like” so each has a
chance to tell their story. Within this I
often ask how they heard the news
and to describe their reaction.
2. My goal is to have them tell their story
and then normalize for them what they
are experiencing and educate them
about grief and what to expect in the
future (using the handout on the “Crazy
Feelings of Grief”). I’d also want to find
out about their support system as well as
giving some suggestions to eliminate the
pressure of other individuals.
I also mention that each of them may
grieve in a different way and with a
different intensity. That’s all right and
it’s not a sign that the other person
doesn’t care if their grief is less intense.
I ask, “How can the other family
members support you at this time?”
3. Some of the questions directed toward the parents could be asked of the siblings. I also let everyone know that I would be willing to meet with each one individually. One reason for this is the deceased was described as a “special gifted” individual but was she in the eyes of the siblings? Sometimes even in the initial session I ask for a favorite memory from siblings.
Some may have a mixture of feelings. At
some point I would ask the parents and
siblings alike if there was any unfinished
business or issues between them and the
deceased or if there was something they
wished they could have said to her
before she died. If so, I would suggest
writing a detailed letter and reading it
aloud at the place of internment.
4. I would like each one to believe there will be help for all of them during the months and years ahead of them. Any suggestions or recommendations made need to be put in writing such as the list of “Crazy Feelings of Grief,” etc. I would give each one a copy of Experiencing Grief as well, and suggest they read it when they’re ready.
I also let them know that it is normal not
to remember what they read at this
time. I send home a DVD called Tear
Soup and ask them to watch this
together.
5. There are two other family members
who were lost as well. It would be easy
to ignore them and gloss over this loss.
I would ask about them as well as the
effect this loss is having. For the
parents, the loss is a grandchild which
is major.
The possible grievers would include
husband, aunts, uncles, cousins,
friends, fellow workers, pastors,
church, ob gyn, husband’s family,
grandparents, truck driver, and similar
group of individuals. It’s important to
consider who will minister to them and
how.
One of our tasks is to identify neglected
grievers and reach out to them as
well. Sending or giving them
Experiencing Grief as well as making
available copies of Tear Soup has
been helpful.
6. Not only was this a sudden death but it
was a multiple tragedy involving
someone’s child and unborn grandchild.
There could be the possibility of legal
complications because it was a
vehicular accident. The way in which the
notification was made could be a factor
as well. (Refer to the section on sudden
death for additional information).