oxygen participant guide session 4

Copyright © 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved. 35

4

4Session Four

Great Communication:Love, Respect, and Empathy

In the last chapter, we looked at how each of us is wired uniquely—so much so that our personality differences can make us feel like we are from different countries. Some of us may feel like we’re from different planets!

We noted that people from different countries speak different languages. They have different customs, different cultures and perspectives. And that’s not just true about personalities. The same is true of how we give, receive, and communicate the language of love.

If you’ve been with your partner any length of time, you know by now that real love takes real work to maintain it. A young Hollywood starlet was recently quoted in a national magazine, saying, “If you really love someone, you shouldn’t have to work at it.” If that’s the prevailing mindset in our culture, no wonder our divorce rates are as high as they are! The reality is, if you really love someone, you will do everything in your power to demonstrate it—and to make it last.

The backbone of any relationship is communication. Effective communication is more than just words, many times our actions communicate more poignantly. Values and commitment should be followed up with action. Good communication includes many things:

• Talking• Listening• Freely expressing thoughts, opinions, and feelings• Honestly and respectfully giving and receiving feedback• Understanding and being understood• Demonstrating selfless love• Recognizing and receiving expressions of love and affection

Copyright © 2011 Stronger Families. All rights reserved.36

There are a number of factors that sig-nificantly affect a couple’s ability to communicate, and to give and receive expressions of love. However, the three most important factors to recognize are: you and your spouse’s personality, patterns, and past. Personality is the basic hardwiring of who each partner is at his or her core. Patterns are the es-tablished skill set that each person has developed (or may possibly be lacking) that enables him/her to speak and lis-ten to other people effectively. The third factor is the past—the way each partner has been shaped by his or her previous experiences of relationships, including (and especially) in his/her family of origin.

We talked about personality in the last chapter. In this session of Oxygen for Your Relationships, we’re going to look at how your patterns and your past contribute to your communication style—and how you can overcome both to enhance communication and intimacy in your relationship.

Developing Empathy

If you do not know a great deal about how your partner was raised and the nature (and quality) of his/her primary relationships, now is a great time to learn. You may not always like how your husband or wife behaves under stress or in a crisis. But when you understand why he or she is reacting or behaving in a certain way, you can better communicate with him or her to find a solution.

To really understand a person’s patterns and past, you need to step back from the urge to judge and criticize. Instead, learn to empathize.

We’ll say it again, just for emphasis: “EMPATHIZE, not CRITICIZE!”

The difference between sympathy and empathy is this: sympathy=compassion for someone’s situation; empathy=understanding and relating to someone’s emotions and feelings; reaching inside yourself to feel what the other person is feeling.

em·pa·thynoun \em-pə-thē\1: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another without having the feelings, thoughts and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.


Empathizing with Your Partner’s Roots—and Understanding Your Own

Developing an understanding of a person’s past—whether your own or that of your partner—is much like studying the root system of a tree. Just looking at a majestic tree, you can sense its history and strength, but the truly amazing part is the area you can’t see: its root system.

A tree’s roots transfer moisture, minerals, and oxygen to the tree, bringing it life. Similarly, we are all impacted by our personal root system. The values, modes of communication, safety and security, love (or lack of love) in our childhood and developmental years affect our current relationships.

So, in this section of Oxygen, welcome to Horticulture 101!

There are many different kinds of tree roots, but for our purposes we will look at four main types that will help us to understand the way we were imprinted as children to receive and respond to love:

Now, let’s take this analogy of a tree’s root system and apply it to your marriage:

The Investment Roots (striker roots)These provide backup. They often form a second layer deeper down in the soil and store extra food and water for the tree.

The Feeder RootsThe primary function of feeder

roots is to do just that—feed the tree. They lie just below the surface of the soil, in the upper

few inches.

The Anchor RootsThese are large lateral roots that

support and anchor the tree. They provide the framework for

the entire root system and the foundation for the tree.

The Wounded Root(adventitious root)This root is a mystery. Horticul-turalists have not yet been able to target what causes its growth. They do know however, that a wounded root forms spontane-ously and seems to develop because of injury.


THE ROOTS

The Feeder Roots in your marriage are the results of the seeds you have sown into your relationship. These are the values and communication patterns/behaviors you have accumulated and incorporated into your life and relationships, based on such things as your personality, heart motivation, and ability to empathize. These give your relationship the oxygen it needs and are what continues to spur growth in your marriage.

The Anchor Roots in your marriage are how YOU came to be. These are your foundation and family of origin—your learned relationship patterns.

As we all know, past and patterns vary greatly for each person. Some people may have had a stable, loving environment; others may have had a volatile environment growing up where anger, lack of stability, and, for some, even abuse occurred. No matter what your upbringing, it is important to realize how those experiences have impacted your life and are impacting your mar-riage today. Every family has specific modes of operation and its own unique functions and dysfunctions. The important thing to understand is that these roots do affect your marriage and family now.

Investment Roots are secondary roots that provide extra support and nutrients. For someone who has faced tough issues or did not have the easiest of childhoods or family systems, Investment Roots are crucial to the success of your marriage. Taking time to work through past hurts and be present in the moment will help you be even more effective in your current relationship. The more we understand about where we have come from, the better perspective we have.

This brings us to the most amazing and exciting part of the tree root system: the Wounded Root (i.e., adventitious root). Horticulturalists claim that these roots grow due to injury in the root system. We have all heard the old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger;” apparently trees feel the same way. They turn their injury into strength. This is also a key to creating the lasting relationship we want and deserve.

“The problem with communicationis the illusion that it has been accomplished.”

~George Bernard Shaw


Reflecting on Your Roots

So, you may ask, “I didn’t have the best childhood…does that mean I can’t have a good marriage?” Absolutely not! You can change old patterns and choose to grow new roots: Investment Roots. One way to increase your Investment Roots is to spend time personally looking at the patterns and experi-ences of your upbringing, and the modes of communication used in your household of origin.

Some of you may be saying, “Oh no, I have become my mom/dad.” That can be a good thing for some; for others maybe not. But there is good news. You can bring about change and make new patterns for your marriage, family, children, and future generations. That is the reason you are here today, giving new Oxygen to your relationship. You have already started to grow and put down new roots—good for you!

Do a person’s childhood and Anchor Roots have an effect on how he or she processes current rela-tionships? YES! Does it have to define him (or her)? NO! As we continue to work hard on our marriage and work against some of the negative inheritance or dysfunction we may have witnessed growing up, it does one thing—it helps us grows new roots. And guess what: They make us STRONGER.1

A powerful resource for looking at your upbringing and recognizing the impact it has in your current relationship is the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. We strongly recommend this as a resource for your relationship. If your childhood was especially tumul-tuous we would suggest going through it with a counselor or trusted friend/advisor. The more we know and understand about our history, the greater perspective we will have as we move into our future. Making sure you have a solid root system will ensure that when the storms come—and we all know they will—your marriage will be the tree that is still standing despite the odds: big, beautiful, and strong!

The Art of knowing

The fruit of empathy is that the person who is feeling heard also feels known. To know and be known—and fully accepted in that knowledge—is the deepest and truest sense of belonging. That is the root of true bonding and deep intimacy.

In order to practice the art of knowing, you must first learn the art of listening. Most of us tend to be passive listeners, picking up only those things that have some direct bearing on “me” rather than listening to how things are for our partner. Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, states that to be an effective communicator, “First seek to un-derstand and then to be understood.”


As poor listeners, we tend to interrupt, wait for openings to make a counter point, and think about what we will say when the other person finishes talking. (Does this sound familiar?)

Listening with empathy is a learned skill, not something we develop automatically. The two crucial ingredients we need to develop are:

UNDIVIDEDATTENTION:

Being fully present for your partner and not distracted by either the cares of the day or emotionally checked-out in your “nothing box.”

EMPATHY:

Seeking to understand what your partner’s thoughts and feelings mean to him or her. You are simply acknowledging and affirming that this is important to your partner. Wheth-er you agree or not, resist the temptation to search for the effect of your partner’s words on you. Put yourself in his or her shoes. Notice his/her emotions, facial expressions, level of tension…choose to try and feel what your partner feels.

Most of us tend to add our own agenda to what is said or change its meaning altogether. But when we do this, we are not offering our partners the courtesy of truly listening to what they say. This goes back to the “it’s all about me” problem mentioned earlier. We all suffer from it. The key is learning

to get over it in the best interests of our part-ner—and our relationship.

It’s been said that the greatest impediment to good listening is our self-interest and self-protective mechanisms. So here’s an exercise to help with that: Instead of listening to look for openings to get your own point across, be willing to listen solely to understand what your partner thinks, means, and feels—NOT to judge, rebut, advise, or contradict.

Make a choice to silence your critical voice and focus entirely on what your partner is trying to tell you. You may find yourself hearing things you never allowed yourself to hear before. Learn to identify with what your partner is feel-ing, even if it’s not your own experience. That’s part of good communication. And it’s an essen-tial part of demonstrating authentic love.


Using the Couplelogue

The “Couplelogue” technique enables you to share the meaning of what you heard and validate that you HEARD what your partner MEANT. There are three reasons you might want to have a Couplelogue:

1. You want to be listened to and understood.2. You are upset about something and want to discuss it with your spouse.3. You want to discuss a topic you think might be “touchy.”

Part 1: Mirroring (The Listening Level)

Step One:Ask permission of your spouse to have a Couplelogue. If your partner declines, initiate setting a time and reschedule; do not let more than 24 hours pass by if possible.

Step Two:The partner who raised the issue begins by stating the message as simply as possible. Speak in SHORT sentences so your partner can remember everything that was said.

• Speak using “I” statements. Be as direct and concise as possible.• The listener’s job is to do only that: LISTEN! The listener will have an opportunity to respond

later on.• The listener gives feedback (mirrors) what she/he has heard, being careful not to add or leave

anything out.• After the message is given, the listener responds, using a two-part mirroring process:

a. “What I heard you say is...”b. “Am I mirroring you accurately?”

• Make sure each person gets a chance to be the speaker!

NOTE: Never assume you know something unless it is clearly stated by your partner. Ask for clarifica-tion if you are not clear on something or if you find yourself mentally or verbally “filling in blanks” for your partner. Keep all deflecting modes of com-munication out of the equation. Guard against sarcasm, interruption, roll-ing eyes…the goal is to find mutual understanding.


Stuck? Good communication flows from the Couplelogue model. But if you’ve not communicated this way before, it may feel unnatural at first.

Here is an example of an effective Couplelogue between Kate and Kevin:

Kevin“Hey Kate, can we sit down and talk for a few minutes tonight? I have some things to share regarding how I’ve been feeling lately.”

Kate “Yeah, let’s talk right now. What’s up?”

Kevin“Well, lately I don’t feel valued for the work I put in to take care of our family. I feel like I only hear about what I’m not doing right.”

Kate“I think you are saying that you feel like I am taking you for granted and that I don’t value what you do for us.”

Kevin“Yes, and it hurts to be told what I’m not doing right rather than what I am doing to support us.”

Kate

“You think I’m a nag and that I don’t love you.”(This is a statement to avoid an ineffective communication technique. Try to stay away from labeling yourself or your partner and do not make reactionary and generalized statements.)

Kevin“No, that is not what I said. I know you love me and I don’t see you as a nag, but I do feel like I could use more appreciation and respect for what I do offer.”

Kate“OK. I hear you saying that you need more encouragement, appreciation, and respect in what I am saying to you.”

Kevin “Yes, thank you for hearing me. That’s all for me. What are YOU feeling?”

(Now its Kate’s turn to share)

Kate“I have been feeling very taken for granted lately. I am here all day with the kids and I feel like work is the only thing that you care about.”

Kevin “You feel like I am not valuing you and that I am focused on work.”

Kate“Yes, and I guess this has impacted what I am communicating with you. I am really tired.”

Kevin “You are tired and feel like my work is more important than you.”

KateYes, I am very tired but no, I do not feel like your work is more important than me. More so, it’s that you seem to give it more attention than you give me.”

KevinKevin: “You make a good point. I have been really busy lately, I can see how your feelings could get hurt.”

Kate “I think this may be why I have been negative lately; I really miss you. That’s all.”


As you can see, Kate and Kevin took a frustrating situation and were able to make their communica-tion come full circle by sharing, listening, and empathizing with each other.

In the end, a deeper issue was revealed. Kevin had no idea that his work and how busy he is was mak-ing Kate feel lonely. And Kate didn’t realize that her frustration was coming out so strongly toward Kevin in her communication. This is the beauty of the Couplelogue!

Important Tips for Using the Couplelogue Model:

• Talk about yourself (your experiences, and your feelings), use “I” rather than “you” statements. (i.e., “I feel like I’m not important when I don’t hear from you at all during the day” rather than “You never call me.”)

• If the listener’s response or body language is making you uncomfortable, speak up honestly about what you are seeing and how it makes you feel. For example, “I’m not feeling safe because your tone of voice sounds angry and defensive.”

• If you start to feel angry yourself, excuse yourself for a “time-out.” Don’t resort to name-calling or accusing. This is never acceptable in any communication. Learn to walk away and compose yourself if you feel those emotions rising up in you.

• Use feeling words to help explain your experience. (See page 107 of the Appendix for a list of feel-ing words you might use.)

Part 2: Validation (The Thought Level)

Step One:When he or she is finished communicating ev-erything on his/her heart, the speaker says, “That is all.”

Step Two:When the speaker says “That is all,” the listener responds, “I heard you, thank you for sharing,” and/or one of the statements below, validating the speaker. (Validation is when the listener lets the speaker know his or her communication is understood and the listener affirms the speaker. Very important: This is crucial whether you agree or not.)

Examples of validation:

• I can understand how you would think that…• I see why that bothers you…• Wow, you are really excited about what hap-

pened today…• You made a very good point about…• I would probably be upset, too, if that had

happened to me…


Part 3: Empathy (The Feeling Level)

Empathy is the process of reflecting or imagining the feelings the sending spouse is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported. This deeper level of connecting with your spouse attempts to recognize, reach into and, on some level, experience the emotion of the speaker.

Empathy allows both spouses to transcend, perhaps for a moment, their separateness and to connect at a heart level. This has remark-able healing power.

Step One:The listener expresses empathy to the speaker about the issues he/she has raised

Ways to communicate empathy:

• I can imagine you might be feeling/might have felt…

• When you experience that, I hear you say-ing you feel…

• I understand you feel…• It sounds as if you feel…• If I were in your shoes, I might feel…Do you

feel like that?

keep Your Listening Ears On!

If you’re the listener, you job is to do just that: open you ears and close your mouth! Don’t defend yourself, argue, problem-solve, or explain. You don’t have to agree. You just have to listen. Here are some ways to help you do that:

• Focus on the speaker’s experiences and feelings, not yours. • Don’t be defensive. When you’re defensive, you don’t listen well. Remember the speaker

is his or her own person with a right to his/her own opinions and feelings. • Watch your body language. Don’t sigh, cross your arms, or roll your eyes. Be respectful

in tone and appearance. Maintain eye contact with the speaker and affirm his or her efforts to communicate with you.

• If you forget easily and need to make some notes so you know what to respond to, do so. But keep them brief and keep eye contact with the speaker. This is also why it is important to keep your statements short so the receiver doesn’t get lost. Let your partner know that his or her feelings are very important to you.


Make some guesses as to what the speaker is or was feeling. Try to identify feelings in one word (e.g., angry, confused, sad, upset) If your guess entails more than one word, it is probably a thought, not a feeling. For example, “You feel you don’t want to go with me” is a thought and not a feeling.

Don’t be overconfident in your empathy. One never knows for sure what another person is feeling! It’s always wise (and humble and respectful) to check out your guesses by saying:

• “Is that what you are/were feeling?”

The goal is for the listener to reflect and relate personally to the speaker’s message, thoughts, and feelings. When the speaker’s complete message is transmitted and understood, the process is reversed. The listener has the opportunity to be the speaker, and it is the speaker’s turn to be the listener.

Part 1:

Mirroring(The Listening Level)

Part 2:

Validation(The Thought Level)

Part 3:

Empathy(The Feeling Level)

Final Result:You will be poised to experience greater

healing and increased intimacy as a couple.


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Action Plan1. Take turns sharing with each other the descriptions you’ve written for

each of your Flag Page motivations.

2. Use the same procedure to share and discuss the rules you’ve created.

3. Discuss what significant differences and similarities you share with your top 5 motivations the Flag Page results.

The 3 R’s to better understanding your spouse

Understanding how to live with those from Control Country

Control Country residents are all about: Getting it done

Their Greatest Need: To be appreciated

Favorite Vehicle: Bulldozer

Favorite Environment: Conducting the orchestra, always in the lead and usually running things

Language: Grasp, get it done, appreciate, accomplish, achieve

Their voice: Impatient tone, talk but not listen, intense, quick words, abrupt and to the point.

At their best: Born leader, tons of confidence, goal setter, independent, bold, quick to action

At their worst: Bossy, impatient, demanding, know it all, arrogant, quick-tempered

How To Respond to Control Country

• Be firm and direct

• Focus on actions and goals

• Caring confrontation may be necessary to get their attention

How to Relate to Control Country

• Be brief and to the point

• Explain “How to achieve goals“

• Allow them time to consider your ideas

How to Reinforce the Control Country

• Offer appreciation – this is their greatest need

• Give bottom - line instructions

• Get out of their way

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How to Respond to Control Country• Be firm and direct• Focus on actions and goals• Caring confrontation may be

necessary to get their attention

How to Relate to Control Country• Be brief and to the point• Explain “how to achieve goals”• Allow them time to consider your

ideas

How to Reinforce Control Country• Offer appreciation—this is their

greatest need• Give bottom-line instructions• Get out of their way

How to Build a Better Relationship with Control Country• If you are from Control Country: “Continue to talk straight with them, but know when to

back off.”

• If you are from Fun Country: “Modify your need for a totally unstructured environment.”

• If you are from Peace Country: “Be willing to risk change and security.”

• If you are from Perfect Country: “Be willing to modify your rules and structure if it doesn’t sacrifice quality.”

Speaking Each Other’s Language

As you learn to understand and relate to one another with empathy, based on your “country,” your “motivations,” your “relational rules,” and your “Three R’s,” you both need to remember something VERY important: These principles you are learning are meant to help you understand, love, and serve one another. They are not for the purpose of manipulating the other person to accommodate you, but rather to help you learn to modify your own behaviors to accommodate him or her. In essence, you are learning to “speak the same language” so you can hear, understand, and bring reassurance to one another.

When each of you does this selflessly, for the benefit of the other, the results will be transformational. We’ll talk more about that in a later chapter. But for now, simply keep it in mind that being other-centered in this process will put more Oxygen back into your relationship than you ever dreamed possible.

Here are some things to keep in mind about how the various countries think and respond that will help you communicate more empathetically and selflessly:


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Fun/Peace Country: “I need reassurance that I’m OK and sometimes it can be nonverbal like a smile, wink, or hug. I prefer a hug.“ “Do not criticize the things I do wrong in front of others, but reaffirm my value and capabilities. Later, I can better handle my errors in private conversations.“

Understanding how to live with those from Perfect Country

Perfect Country residents are all about: Getting it right

Greatest need: Sensitivity to their feelings

Favorite Vehicle: Train

Favorite environment: Closely examining the details of life

Language: Ideal, sensitive, right, feel, details

Their voice: Talks a lot to say a little, worries if it’s not right, enjoys lots of little details, serious and concerned

At their best: Faithful, persistent, idealistic, creative, thoughtful, organized

At their worst: Remembers negatives, moody, depressed, guilty, standards too high, insecure

How to respond to Perfect Country

• Be specific and accurate

• Make allowance for initial response to be cautious and/or negative

• Allow freedom to ask questions

How to relate to Perfect Country

• Answer questions in a patient and persistent manner

• Mix accurate information with assurances

• Allow time to validate information

How to reinforce the Perfect Country

• Provide a step-by-step approach to a goal

• Provide reassurance of support

• Give permission to validate data with third parties

What other countries had to say about Perfect Country

Control Country: “It is difficult providing the kind of detail they need in order to satisfy their questions.“

Fun Country: “To patiently deal with all their questions without getting defensive. Sometimes we just respond without intending to be taken seriously, but Perfect Country’s take everything to be a concrete commitment.“

Peace Country: “Consistency in understanding their sensitivity levels.“

Perfect Country: “Being able to forgive ourselves and lower our expectations.“

How to Respond to Perfect Country• Be specific and accurate• Make allowance for initial response

to be cautious and/or negative• Allow freedom to ask questions

How to Relate to Perfect Country• Answer questions in a patient and

persistent manner• Mix accurate information with assurances• Allow time to validate information

How to Reinforce Perfect Country• Provide a step-by-step approach to a goal• Provide reassurance of support• Give permission to validate data with third parties

How to Build a Better Relationship with Perfect Country• If you are from Control Country: “If your plan to include him or her involves change, you

shouldn’t expect a decision right away. The loving thing is to allow time for processing.”• If you are from Fun Country: “Submit to the fact that a little structure in your life won’t

hurt you.”• If you are from Peace Country: “Understand his or her sensitivity levels and be more pa-

tient with his/her questions.”• If you are from Perfect Country: “Let the other Perfect Country state his or her position,

whether it’s popular or not (or whether you agree with it or not).”

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What can you do to build a better relationship with the Perfect Country

Control Country: “If our plan to include them involves change, we shouldn’t expect them to make a decision right away. The loving thing is to allow them time to think about it. “

Fun Country: “Submit to the fact that a little structure in our life won’t hurt us.“

Peace Country: “Understanding their sensitivity levels and being more patient with their questions.“

Perfect Country: “Being able to state my position, whether it’s popular or not.“

What Perfect Country would want you to know when they are under stress

Perfect Country: “Allow me to be alone with my thoughts until I am ready to speak. I need time to process all the information." “Don’t crowd me; allow me quiet time.“

Perfect/Control: “Give me the freedom to express my true feelings and understand that they are real to me. You can offer a different point of view, but don’t expect or demand me to agree with you right away.“

Perfect/Peace: “After I hear your input, let me get off by myself and give me the freedom to talk with someone else.“

Perfect/Fun: “Let me verbalize my feelings, but don’t judge me for them. Be patient with me." “Help me to refocus my thoughts; give me something to do, but reassure me as to how you will support me if I need help.“

Understanding how to live with those from Peace Country

Peace Country residents are all about: Getting along

Greatest need: Respect for who they are

Favorite Vehicle: Gondola

Favorite environment: Calm and productive

Language: No hassle, easy way, relax, low maintenance, respect, smart

Their voice: No acknowledgements to your comments, long silence is comfortable, no highs or lows in voice, very serious-surprise humor

At their best: Competent, consistent, witty, patient, good listener

At their worst: Fearful, worried, shy, unmotivated, indecisive, resists change, can’t be pushed

How to respond to Peace Country

• Be nonthreatening and patient

• Allow time to process and adjust to change

• Make allowances for family

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How to Respond to Peace Country• Be non-threatening and patient• Allow time to process and adjust to change• Make allowances for family

How to Relate to Peace Country• Use friendly tones when instructing• Give personal, nonverbal acceptance and

assurances• Allow time to process information

How to Reinforce Peace Country• Repeat any instructions• Provide hands-on reinforcement• Be patient in allowing time to take

ownership


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What other countries had to say about Control Country

• Control Country - “It’s no problem for us to become confrontational. However, our body language and tone of voice sometimes becomes a catalyst for escalating events into an all out war.“

• Fun Country - “Providing short answers, sticking to their plan, and being committed to a goal without a relationship is hard for me to relate to.“

• Peace Country - “Using confrontation and having to respond quickly is so out of character for me.“

• Perfect Country - “Being brief!...You have to be kidding. We feel a compelling need to give out all the details.“

What can you do to build a better relationship with Control Country

• Control Country - “Continue to talk straight with them, but know when to back off.“

• Fun Country - “Modify our need for a totally unstructured environment.“

• Peace Country - “Be willing to risk change and security.“

• Perfect Country - “Be willing to modify the rules and structure if it doesn’t sacrifice quality.“

What Control Country would want you to know about them when they are under stress

Control Country: “Talk to me about what you want me to do and not about abstract feelings.“

Control/Fun Country: “Listen to me and then ask questions. If I get too loud, it’s OK to hit me with a 2 x 4. I need it sometimes!“

“I oftentimes am forceful and loud. I may express some radical options that I really don’t mean, so don’t take me too seriously.“

Control/Perfect Country: “Give me the opportunity to think through issues before expecting me to react.“

Control/Peace: “If I need correction, give me affirmation, then correct the action…but don’t make it a personal attack.“

Understanding how to live with those from Fun Country

Fun Country residents are all about: Having fun

Greatest need: Approval for the way they act

Favorite Vehicle: Jet plane

Favorite environment: Being around people

Language: Really, happy, good time, funny, great

Their voice: Smiles on the phone, humor in everything, chatty, lots of lows and highs.

At their best: Enthusiastic, optimistic, inspirational, great sense of humor, loves people, sincere

At their worst: Talks too much, exaggerates, phony, irresponsible, undisciplined, distractible

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How to Respond to Fun Country• Be friendly and positive• Allow for informal dialogue• Allow time for stimulating and

fun activities

How to Relate to Fun Country• Use friendly voice tones• Allow time for them to verbalize their

feelings• You transfer talk to an action plan

How to Reinforce Fun Country• Offer positive encouragement and

incentives for taking on tasks• You organize the action plan• Communicate positive recognition

How to Build a Better Relationship with Fun Country• If you are from Control Country: “Be willing to accept the fact that Fun Country desires

to build relationships first and that goals may be of secondary importance. His or her bottom line is not the same as yours.”

• If you are from Fun Country: “You need to be willing to share the stage with another Fun Country and not be threatened by it.”

• If you are from Peace Country: “You need to be willing to take risks allowing your Fun Coun-try spouse to participate in activities that don’t make sense to you. Be willing to break your routine and try something different with him or her.”

• If you are from Perfect Country: “Be willing to lower your expectations and modify your demand for perfection. You have a tendency to try to build a rigid structure around the Fun Country and it doesn’t work.”

How to Build a Better Relationship with Peace Country• If you are from Control Country: “Back off from your need to have immediate answers

and working within their pace.”• If you are from Fun Country: “Be more patient in drawing them out.”• If you are from Peace Country: “Patiently listen as they try to give their insights.”• If you are from Perfect Country: “Be more patient in knowing you won’t get a lot of feed-

back from them. You have a tendency to desire a great deal of information, and Peace Country folk are not in the habit of sharing that much.”


4

BrBreakout Exercise

COUPLE DISCUSSION

Breakout: Create a Wish List

In this exercise, you will individually make a wish list of things you would like more or less of in your relationship. Then you will take turns sharing your wish lists with each other.

Use the Couplelogue model you learned in this session to help guide your discussion.

When you share your wish list with your partner, you will be demonstrating your commitment to communicate honestly and respectfully with your spouse. In giving feedback to your partner about his/her wish list, you will be demonstrating your listening and empathy skills, and your ability to “speak his/her language.”

Make a wish list of three things you would like more or less of in your relationship.

1. _________________________________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________________________________

Alternative Discussion

You may not want to start with the “hot spots” of your relationship. If you are de-vitalized or feeling conflicted in your relationship, identify some strengths in your marriage and use the Couplelogue to talk about some things that are going right. Make a list of three things that you value about your marriage to your partner. Use this to build your discussion. Instead of starting with “I wish…” you will start your statements with “I value …” You can still practice speaking, listening, and empathizing with these affirmations.

COUPLE DISCUSSION

Take turns sharing your wish list with each other.

Speaker’s Job

• Speak for yourself (use “I” statements, i.e., “I wish...”).• Describe how you would feel if your wish(es) came true.

Listener’s Job

• Repeat/summarize what you heard.• Describe your spouse’s wish by repeating it back to him or her, mentioning how your partner said

he/she would feel if the wish came true.


After completing the Wish List Exercise, discuss the following questions:

• How good were each of you at communicating honestly?

• How good were each of you at listening patiently until the other was finished speaking?

• In what ways did you each effectively demonstrate empathy?

ABOVE AND BEYOND:Try this exercise at home, over and over again. When it becomes more comfortable, you can use the Couplelogue any time you want to discuss an issue that may cause stress in your relationship. It can be a “safe” way for you to have difficult conversations.

Here are a few more pointers:

1. When initiating a Couplelogue, make a clear statement about your desire to talk about ONE TOPIC. For example, “I need to talk to you about the monthly finances.” Don’t hint, (“Maybe we could spend some time together”) and don’t drop bombs, (“Well, the bank is going to take the house this month”).

2. Be respectful of the other person’s time and interest. Ask, “When would be a good time for you to discuss this?”

3. Learn to ask one another, “What do you need from me right now?” In the Empathy Phase, this is particularly helpful. Your spouse will be encouraged knowing you understand, but going the extra mile might mean showing reassurance (“Everything will be okay”), forgiveness (“I forgive you”), or sometimes comfort (e.g., holding him/her).

Not Feeling It Yet? No Worries!

If it doesn’t feel to you like this exercise “worked,” don’t worry! Good communication takes practice, practice, and more practice. Long-term marriages that are thriving have spent a lifetime perfecting these skills and they didn’t learn it the first time either!

There are resources available to help you learn the Couplelogue. You can request this by logging into your online membership at www.oxygenseminar.com. Stronger Families is here to help!


ACTION PLAN

This exercise should be done first apart, then together. On your own, reflect on the following questions. Write your answers in the space provided below.

How did your family handle conflict?

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What emotions were expressed?

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Did you feel valued and loved?

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When stress was present, what was your parents’ reaction?

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How did your parents interact? Did they show affection, raise their voices, show rage or anger, withdraw?

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4

APAction Plan


Now look at your own, current marriage relationship, and reflect on the following questions. Again, write your answers in the space below.

How do you handle conflict with your spouse?

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What emotions do you express most regularly?

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Do you feel insecure in your relationship?

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What is your reaction in stressful times?

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How do you and your spouse interact? Do you show affection? When you communicate, do you

raise your voices, show anger or rage, withdraw?

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The chances are that when you look at your family system of communication and methods of conflict resolution, there are some parallels. This may give you some insight into why you communicate and or behave the way you do.

Get together with your spouse and share your answers with one another (do it together, don’t just hand off your workbook and walk away). As you each share, you will have the opportunity to empathize with one another, thus creating a deeper intimacy.

oxygen participant guide session 4

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