parenthood...learning to train your child in the way of wisdom

8/4/2019 Parenthood...learning to train your child in THE WAY of Wisdom

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Learning to Train Your Child

in THE WAY of Wisdom

By Remy Diederich


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Parenthood: Part One

Parents are LeadersBy Remy Diederich

Cedarbrook Church

9.18.11

Outline

1. Parents are leaders not followers.2. Good leaders are teachers.3. Good leaders have a clear goal in mind4. Good leaders have a strategy to reach their goal:

Be an example Be clear about what you expect. Expect the best. Be consistent. Be approachable. Be prepared.

Message

Let me ask you a question to start today. Whats the toughest thing about being a parent?Losing your independence?

Keeping up with your kids from event to event...from practice to games to concerts?

Living in fear of something bad happening to them?

Living in fear of them getting into trouble?

Or living in fear of your parenting skills or your lack of skills?

Parenting is tough. And weve got a lot of parents here. So I want to take three weeks to comealong side of our parents and give them some words of advice and encouragement.

Now, if you arent a parent...you should still get something out these messages because Im

going to be talking about things like leadership and decision making and developing character

and that applies to all of us. Plus, even if you never have kids I dont think you should be totally

in the dark about parenting! You should be in touch with what your parenting friends are

struggling with.


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To get us started, turn in your Bible to First Parenting chapter 3. Dont you wish that were true?

Unfortunately the Bible doesnt have a chapter on parenting. But it still speaks to the issueparenting in a variety of ways. Today well be looking in the book of Proverbs.

Heres another question: What do you think is the role of a parent?

Are they caretakers? They cook and clean and pack bags and remind and scold?

Or maybe their role is entertainer. They make sure their kids are happy by working overtime

trying to please them.

Or maybe their role is to be an agent. What I mean is that they spend their time trying to make

their kids successful. So they spend their time taking them to camps, and lessons and giving themevery opportunity they can to advance and position their child for success.

Or how about a lawyer? The parent feels the need to defend the child...from their spouse, from

their siblings, from teachers, etc. They play protector all the time because they are afraid their

child can stand up for herself.

There is something even more fundamental that the Bible says about the role of a parent. Thenumber one role of a parent is to be a leader.Maybe youve heard this verse before.

Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart

from it. Proverbs 22:6

Now, years ago I heard this verse quoted for the wrong reasons. People said this is one of the

promises of God. I was young and single and I didnt know any better. I thought, Cool. God

promises to keep my kids on the straight and narrow.

But now 35 years later I realize that its not a promise. God doesnt guarantee that our kids wontgo astray. This verse is aprinciple. It is what typically happens. But there are no guarantees. The

reason Im showing this verse to you is because I think this verse points to the fact that it tells us

that parents are leaders. The word way here implies a path or a journey. A parent is someone

who leads their child down a path on a journey. A parent helps their child find their way safely

to adulthood.

You see, parents cant afford to be hands off today. Its not like fifty years ago when the

community had a common ethic and set of values and a child would more or less end up in agood place. Today, if you arent actively leading your child down the right path they could endup any place on the moral, emotional and spiritual map.

So parents are leaders not followers. They are active not passive. They are intentional andpurposeful about raising their child. Thats what the phrase train up your child means. Itliterally means to dedicate yourself to leading your child down the right path. The picture that

its painting here is that children get so used to that path that they wont want to travel other

paths. Theyll travel that path so often with their parents that theyll see the beauty of it and theblessing of walking it and theyll realize that they would be a fool to wander of that path. Not a

guarantee but highly likely.


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You know, some parents let their kids lead them around like some people walk their dog. The

dog goes wherever it wants and the owner is jerked around from tree to tree or chases squirrels oris dragged down alleys to find garbage cans. By the time they get back from the walk they are

exhausted. Thats why some parents are exhausted because they arent leading. They are

following.

A big part of being a good leader is being a teacher. Listen to what the book of Proverbs says... Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.

They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. Proverbs1:8,9

I love the word picture here. The parent that takes their role as teacher seriously gifts theirchildren with wisdom that is like a garland on their head and a necklace around their neck. A

garland was a turban that men wore at weddings or special occasions.

So right away here in Proverbs it shows us the positive impact that parents can have on their

children. When parents teach their children well it makes them attractive...it makes them standout from other people...it makes them desirable to be around.

You know, some people are able to bless their kids with wealth. Thats nice.But you dont haveto have money to bless your kids. Parents...if you lack money...never apologize to your kids for

being poor because you can give them something much more valuable than money...much more

attractive. You can teach them to be wise. You can teach them to be a person of character. And

you cant put a price on that.

A few chapters later Proverbs continues... My son, guard your father's commands and do not abandon your mother's teaching.

Bind them continually to your heart; fasten them around your neck. When you walk, they

will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will

speak to you. For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the

corrections of discipline are the way to life... Proverbs 6:20-23

Proverbs has a high view of parents. It tells us that a parents instruction is like providing light in

the darkness. Its like life itself. These are words that God uses about his own word. Its ratherstriking the value God places on the words of parents.

Then it says that a parents teachings are so valuable that their children should bind them super-

glue and bungey cord them, to their heart and wrap them around their neck so they wont lose

them. Theyre valuable because they do three things...first, they GUIDE YOU into a path of

blessing. Your parents teachings help you know what to do. Second, they WATCH OVER youand PROTECT you even when you sleep. That means when you go to bed you dont have to

worry about your decisions because you know that you are on a good path. Youve been on thispath for years and its always been good to you. It was good to your parents. Its good to you

now and you have no worries. You can sleep well.


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Finally your parents teaching continually SPEAKS to you words of wisdom. Have you ever met

someone who is always quoting the wisdom of their mom or dad? I have and I like it. I can tellthat they enjoyed their parents growing up and they continue to enjoy their parents as their

teaching washes over them...continually speaking to them words of wisdom. Thats a blessing. Ijust hope that my words have that kind of effect on my kids.

Parents, what are you teaching your children? Are you imparting wisdom that they will draw on

for years to come or are you buying them video games to keep them entertained for another 24

hours?

Now...let me pause for a GUILT CHECK right now because theres nothing that can trip the

guilt switch quicker than talking about parenting. There was a time in my life when I got reallydepressed for about a month just because I realized some mistakes I had made as a parent.

So, as parents....lets all collectively raise our hand and say... I messed up, receive Gods

forgiveness and move on. Okay? Lets move beyond the guilt and do something about it. Lets

look in the mirror and see if there is something we can do to become great parents. Instead ofregretting our parenting lets do something that we can take pride in.

Okay, parents are leaders and leaders are teachers. The third thing I want you to see here is that

leaders have a goal in mind. They have a target that they shoot at. So parents, think about your

child turning eighteen and leaving home. What are they like?Do they love God? Is their faith real? Are they people of character? Are they honest?

Are they reliable? Responsible? Do they respect people? Are they hard workers? Are

they generous? Are they nice to be around?

Those are some of the things that most of us hope for o ur children. But its more than something

you just hope for or wish for. People shouldnt just have babies and hope for the best. Raising

great kids isnt just a roll of the dice. Its something you plan for. You take those qualities that I

listed out and you make them your target. Parents need to have that picture in mind and workevery day toward that goal.

But heres another question...even if you know what you want your child to look like at eighteendo you have a plan or a strategy to get them there? In other words...do you know how you are

going to hit your target? Hitting your target involves a number of things. Let me give you a

checklist here that might help.

First, if you want to hit your target, be an example. Model for your child the life you want

them to live. Its like when the apostle Paul wrote that people should follow him as he follows

Christ. If people wanted a good idea of what it meant to follow Jesus all they had to do wasfollow his example.

Parents... whether you realize it or not...you are teaching your child every day by how you live

your life. You are teaching them to be like you. Now, if you are the person you want them to be

then thats great. But if you arent you need to make some changes. If you want them to have anauthentic faith in God...you need to have an authentic faith in God. If you want them to be


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trustworthy and responsible then you need to be trustworthy and responsible. If you dont want

them to lie...then you shouldnt be lying.

Im not saying you have to be perfect but they should see that you are doing your best to model

how you tell them to live and when you fail you should admit it and apologize.

Second, be clear about what you expect. Dont make them guess. When you arent clear thatswhen they make up their own rules. Let your children know who you are and what your family

stands for...what values are important to you because their values will ultimately control theirbehavior.

Thats what God did. After he called the Israelites to be his people he was very clear about what

he expected. They are called the Ten Commandments. You cant get any more clear than that.After God gave the Ten Commandments he spoke to parents and said...

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on

your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road,

when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bindthem on your foreheads. Deuteronomy 6:6-8

God was clear with his expectations and then he told parents to be clear about their expectations.

Third, expect the best. I think parents often miss the boat on this. They are so concerned about

making their kids happy that they set very low standards for them.Well, Jimmy, ifyou just take out the trash once a month thats good enough. I know youhave a lot of homework to do.

The truth is...Jimmy has more potential than that but if you dont ask for it, youll never see it.And worse yet...Jimmy will start to question himself if you never challenge him. Hell wonderwhy you never ask more of him. Hell start to doubt himself. Hell think...maybe my parents

never ask much out of me because they dont think I have it in me. And that doubt ends upcrippling him emotionally.

Jesus wasnt afraid to expect the best. What did he say on the Sermon on the Mount? First heraised the bar on the Ten Commandments. He said its more than just doing the right thing. Hesaid its about having the right thoughts...the right motives. And then he says, Be holy for I am

holy.

Or what did the apostle Paul tell the Ephesian church? He said...Be imitators of God(Ephesians

5:1). You see, both Jesus and Paul were calling out the best in us. They werent cutting people

slack. They were saying YOUCAN DO THIS. God is inside of you so Im expecting great things!

We dont want to crush people by expecting something they cant deliver but a good leaderknows what to expect from her people and then calls it out of them.

Next, be consistent. This might be the hardest part about being a leader because you get tired.

Your kids wear you down. It gets late and you just want to go to bed and you dont care what


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you said about consequences. If giving them ice cream and picking up after them gets you to bed

quicker then thats what youre going to do.

But... not if you want to be a good leader. Not if you want to be a good teacher. Good leaders

are consistent. Remember, thats what it means to train up a child. It means to be dedicated. Stick

to it. Be consistent.

Fifth, be approachable. Good leaders arent distant. They know that there is a time to teach and

there is a time to relax and have fun. You want your kids to feel like they can talk to you even ifthey know you disagree.

This is one area that I didnt do so well in. I think I was so opinionated that my kids learned notto voice a dissenting opinion. And Ive been trying to dig myself out of that hole ever since. I

think just now they are beginning to see that its safe to disagree with me.

The amazing thing about Jesus is that even though he was God in the flesh he didnt intimidate

people. Somehow, they were attracted to him.

Remember- its a lot harder to learn from a teacher that you dont like compared to one that youdo like. So if you want to be a good teacher...work at being likeable. Some of you might have to

work at it harder than others!

And finally, be prepared. Parents should always be in training. You cant teach what you dontknow. Some of us will spend thousands of dollars in college preparing for a career but never

bother to read one book about how to be a parent. Thats just crazy.

Why is that? I think the reason we as so casual about parenting is because most of us werentraised with the kind of intentionality the Bible talks about. Each generation grows up thinking

that if they just love their kids and dont do the hurtful things their parents did that their kids will

be fine.

But if you love your kids, dont you want the best for them? Would you take them to a doctor

that never read a book on medicine? Would you take them to a teacher that never read a book oneducation? Would you take them to a church that never read the Bible? Then why do you subject

your child to a parent that knows nothing about parenting?

I was at a conference once and the speaker said that leaders should be readers and leaders should

always be reading a book on leadership to improve themselves. At the time I had only read one

or two books on leadership. Like parenting, I thought leadership was pretty intuitive. Either you

knew how to do it or you didnt. But I was wrong. Ever since that time Ive read countless books

on leadership. Im amazed about how much there is to know about being a leader.

And its the same for parenting. Parents, there should always be a book on parenting by your

bed. Or better yet, if you are married, read a book together with your spouse. Youll be amazed

at how much youll learn. I just read the book New Kid by Friday. That would be a great bookto start with. You can find it in our lobby.


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Well, that wraps up part one. The simple point here is that parents are leaders and if you are a

parent you need to own that responsibility if you want your kids to be a person of character whenthey leave home. Next week Ill take a deeper look at the target we should be shooting at and

some basic principles to help us hit the target.

Prayer:Father...thank you for the families in our midst...for all the children and their parents. Theyvegot a tough job and we want to encourage them. I pray for them today...help them to step up and

take on the role of leader that youve called them to. Help them to overcome the guilt that soeasily condemns us and give them the courage to lead well. Amen.

Going Deeper

Use the following questions for personal reflection or to discuss with your family, friends or

small group.

1. Did you perceive your parents as leaders? Did they have a clear goal for you? What was therestrategy? How did their leadership or lack of leadership impact you?

2. If you are a parent have you seen yourself as a leader? How so? If not, how have you viewedyour role?

3. Read Proverbs 1:26-29. Notice that this section has three truths each containing three

components.

4. Proverbs tells us not to forsake our parents teaching. Then it uses three words telling us whatto do with the teaching. What are those words? What strikes you about those words?

5. What does it say is the benefit of obeying your parents teaching?

6. Next it gives three benefits of obeying. What are they? Is this your experience?7. What metaphors does it use to describe parents teaching? (3) Note the impact of discipline on

a child. What is it?8. If you are a parent what can you start doing to benefit your child in the way Proverbs speaks?

If not, do you see the what the role of a parent is better now that you've read this text?


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Parenthood: Part Two

Hitting the Target

By Remy Diederich

Cedarbrook Church

9.25.11

Outline:

1. Parents need a target to shoot for.

2. Proverbs boils the target down to being wise.

3. Parents train their children to make wise decisions by offering choices and consequences.4. When children regularly experience consequences they learn to ...

Stop Invite God into the process Consider the options and consequences Consider their natural inclinations Invite wise people into the process. Make a choice Take Action

Message

I have a question to start with today. How many of you parents lose your cool parenting?

I know the answer. We all lose our cool parenting because our kids dont always do what we

want them to do, do they? It might be their grades or their attitude or their behavior or the jobsaround the house they never did or the friends they have chosen to hang out with. Typically, the

reason we lose our cool is because we feel like weve lost control. And we hate losing control. Itmakes us feel helpless and powerless.

Well, I think Ive got something that will help you today to regain your control. Im going start

with a look at the Bible and get super practical in the last few minutes.

Last week I took a look at what the Bible says is the number one role of a parent. We saw that

the primary role of a parent is to be a leader and a teacher. And I said that every parent shouldhave a target in mind of the kind of person that they want their child to be on the day that they

move out of the house. I talked about things like faith and character and generosity.

The Target: WISDOMWell, let me simplify this target even more. The book of Proverbs has one word for the target

and that is wisdom. The target that every parent should have for their child is that they release a

wise person into the world of adulthood.

Proverbs starts by telling us the value of reading it. Notice the word for used throughout the

opening verses...


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The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

for attaining wisdom and discipline;

for understanding words of insight;

for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life,

doing what is right and just and fair;

for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion (a plan) to the young

Solomon wrote the book of Proverbs so people would do three things...first, acquire wisdom.

Look at the words...attaining, understanding and acquiring in verse two. Second our wisdom

moves us to take action. It says here that we should do what is right, just and fair.

And third, Proverbs is written for parents to teach their children. It talks about teaching the

simple and the young. And its got to happen in that order. You cant teach wisdom until youve

gained wisdom yourself.

Now, in verse two it talks about understanding words of insight. The word understand literally

means to look upon, to gaze, to observe. The thought is that you gain wisdom simply by studyingthese proverbs. You spend time with them. You reflect on them.

The point is... that a person gains understanding not by a quick and casual reading of Proverbs

but a slow methodical study of them. And thats really true of anything. You cant truly get toknow something well unless you spend time observing it. It reminds me of my college days in

biology class. We would spend inordinate amounts of time looking at leaves studying them in

detail even under the microscope. It was way more than I needed to know about leaves b ut thatswhat you do if you want to know something; you observe it, you gaze at it, you study it.

And the same can be said for a child spending time with their parents...wisdom isnt passed on

watching TV at the dinner table but from listening to them, learning from them, and asking themquestions as they spend time with them.

You see, wisdom doesnt come with next day service like FEDEX. We live in an age that just

wants to Google an answer. Well, you can Google an ANSWER but you cant GoogleWISDOM. You cant Google understanding or insight. Thats something that technology will

never be able to give us because wisdom simply takes time to acquire.

Wisdom requires the patience to simply sit with someone and squeeze every bit of insight out of

them that you possibly can. Thats why Proverbs tells us that...

A wise person LISTENS to advice. 12:15

But Im sure the word listen here isnt used in a 21st century way. Today we might be listeningto the radio with the television on and talking to someone on our cell phone. We are listening to

all three things but to none of them well. Proverbs is talking about fully taking something in.

Letting the words of advice speak to you deeply. Its more like it says here...


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A wise child PAYS ATTENTION to what his father teaches him. Proverbs 13:1

This is a picture of a child on the edge of their chair carefully listening to what their father has to

say to them.

What its telling us here is that if parents want their children to be wise then parents need to seethemselves more as mentors and less like chauffeurs. They are more like a coach and less like a

cop.

My guess is that this concept might be foreign to most of us. Many of us might feel like we are

going well if we provide for our kids; show up to most of their games or concerts and take them

out for pizza now and then. But Proverbs casts a much greater responsibility on parents than that.Proverbs implies that to parent well, first we need to be wise and second, we need to spend

considerable amounts of time with our children training them in the way of wisdom. If we listen

to what it is saying it might cause a major shift in the way we parent...a counter cultural shift.

Proverbs wants children to not only know what their parents know. Proverbs wants children todo what their parents do; as it says...doing what is right, just and fair. You see, wisdom is more

than just good thinking its good behavior. And good behavior comes from good choices.

Put another way...parents, your job is to teach your children to make good choices. The choices

that children make ultimately determine their character. In fact, choices are the essence of

character. Every choice you make today is determining what your character will be. And yourchildren are learning from your choices.

If you read through the book of Proverbs it gives a number of examples of good choices that awise person makes. A wise person...saves his money (10:5), chooses her words carefully(12:18,

14:13), is self-controlled (20:1, 29:11), turns away from anger (29:8) and listens to correction.

Parents, if you want to sleep well at night and not worry about your kids dont give them moneyor toys or trips. Give them wisdom. Solomon said...

...wisdom is protection ... wisdom preserves the lives of its possessors . Ecclesiastes 7:12

Wisdom has the advantage of giving success. Ecclesiates 10:10

Arent these the things that parents want for their child, pray for their child...protection,preservation and success? In fact, Proverbs says that wisdom is better than money, weapons or

power. Thats why Proverbs says that...a child who loves wisdom makes his father glad(29:3).

Right now my youngest daughter is in New Delhi, India and next month shell be in Nepal and

the next month shell be in Uganda...every month a different country for a year. But Im notlosing any sleep over her because God is with her and shes wise. She makes good choices and

her wisdom protects her. And that makes me glad!

So how do you train children to make good choices? Two words: choice and consequences.


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Lets look at choice first. If you want your kids to choose well then you have to give them

experience making choices. Some parents make the mistake of making all the choices for theirchildren. They choose their clothes, their food, their friends, their entertainment, thinking that

they know whats best for their child. But there are two problems with this approach; one, whentheir children move away from home they have no experience in decision making which will

cause them to fail. And two, their child will resent their parents for denying them personalexpression.

So, parents need to give their kids experience in making choices as soon as they are able to makechoices. For example, when kids are very small you ask them...

Do you want to wear the blue or the red shirt?

Do you want to have your bath first or a story first?

Do you want peas or corn tonight?

Even at an early age what are you doing? You are helping your child to think. You are helping

them to evaluate situations and make decisions. As they get older you just keep increasing the

level of responsibility so that when they finally leave home they are expert decision makers.

One psychologist wrote it like this. The older the child gets the bigger the choices that theymake. Every year they get more and more responsibility which makes them feel more and more

empowered.

But this isnt something a psychologist discovered. This is straight from the Bible. Genesischapter two says that God gave Adam and Eve a choice. They we rent zombies. They werentrobots. God created us as individuals with personality and the ability to choose. Adam and Eve

could eat from any tree in the garden but not the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

God gave them choice. And along with choice he gave them something else: consequences.

Consequences are what teach us wisdom from our life experiences. We talk about the School of

Hard Knocks, right? What does that mean? It means that the consequences of our choicestaught us some good lessons.

The Bible is full of examples of choice and consequences. Listen to what Jesus said after hisSermon on the Mount. He talked about wisdom, choices and consequences...

"So then, everyone who hears my words and puts them into practice is like a wise man.

He builds his house on the rock. The rain comes down. The water rises. The winds blow

and beat against that house. But it does not fall. It is built on the rock. Matthew 7:24,25

So the consequence of doing what Jesus says is success. Whats the consequence for not doing

what he says?But everyone who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a foolish

man. He builds his house on sand. The rain comes down. The water rises. The winds

blow and beat against that house. And it falls with a loud crash." Matthew 7:26,27

Jesus did exactly what Im saying that parents should do; he gave people choice withconsequences.


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Okay, this all sounds nice and good and biblical but applying choice and consequences can be

hard so let me give you a concrete example that I got from the book, Parenting with Love anLogic (which, by the way, I think every parent should have by their bedside table).

Heres the scenario. Imagine mom and dad going out to eat with little Jimmy before they spend

an hour shopping. Wanting to empower Jimmy with a little choice they say,Jimmy, do you want to go to Arbys or McDonalds for supper?

And Jimmy says McDonalds. Then they get inside and they ask (limiting his choice),Jimmy, do you want chicken nuggets with fries or a cheeseburger with fries?

Jimmy goes...a cheeseburger.

Now, get this; by giving your kids choices you are teaching them to what? To think. If you just

order for them they dont have to think and theyll blame you if they dont like it. On the otherhand, if you give them too many choices theyll get overwhelmed. Research has proven this...not

just with kids...with anybody. When you give people too many options most people give up and

never decide. It creates paralyzing anxiety. So always narrow the range of choice for your kids.Give your kids two options two options that you can live with theyll feel empowered and

youll feel less responsible to make all the decisions.

Okay...everything is good so far. Little Jimmy is feeling empowered. Mom and dad are happy.

Life is good. They get their food and sit down. Mom and dad eat their food but then they realize

that Jimmy hasnt touched his cheeseburger and hes only playing with the French fries.

If you are the parents, what do you do? Well, I can tell you what some people doJimmy, come on. Eat your food.

Then they wait. Nothing happens.

Jimmy, I SAID...eat your food. You dont want to make mom and dad mad!

Nothing happens.

Jimmy if you dont eat your food right now we are going to leave you here!

No theyre not. Jimmy knows that. So he just keeps playing. Why should he eat his food? He is

large and in charge. He has two grown adults at his mercy...dancing to his tune. Hes got the

power and he loves it. But thats why we lose our cool as parents. We cant stand it when asnotty nosed five year has control over us! So we power up and add all kinds of tension to the

scene that doesnt need to be there.

The dad gets mad and says,

I cant deal with this. Im going to wait in the car.

He storms off and mom sits there and pleads with Jimmy to please eat so everyone can be happy.And then she says...

If you eat your food mommy will buy you a toy when we go shopping.

Ca-ching! Jimmy does it again! He milks the system one more time!

Alright. Rewind. Lets try this again and see if there is a better way to handle this. This timemom and dad choose different words. Instead of fighting words...words that create tension...they


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choose thinking words; words that involve choice and consequences. Mom and dad calmly give

him two new choices...Jimmy, our car is leaving in five minutes. (Note how its the car leaving).

Do you want to eat your food here or save it for supper tomorrow night?

Do you see what they are doing? The parents are forcing Jimmy to think. To reason. They are

giving him some control... some power by letting him choose...and they put the responsibility for

his happiness ON HIM. If Jimmy doesnt like the outcome hes only got himself to blame. Andthere is no anger, or threats or drama.

But guess what? Jimmy doesnt answer. He just keeps playing with his French fries. What domom and dad do? They just keep talking to each other. Five minutes tick off, mom and dad

box up the food and say...okay, time to go shopping! No anger. No shame. No lecture. And no

bargaining.

What does Jimmy say?But we cant go yet. Im not done!

Parents...what do you say to that? First you show empathy. Second, you affirm the consequencethat they chose.

Oh...thats too bad. I never likeit when I cant finish my meal.

But dont worry, youll get to eat it tomorrow.

And then you leave.

But Jimmy doesnt leave. Jimmy throws a fit. Jimmy starts screaming and begging and pleading

and clutching the chair. Parents...what do you say? Express empathy. That lets them know thatyou are on their side. And then affirm the consequence with another choice.

Oh, I know...its sad to leave a fun place like this.Would you like to walk to the car or should I carry you?

Its always nice to offer a choice when they are mad because it gives them some power. But if

Jimmy doesnt start walking you pick him up...and go to the car.

Now, when you get home...you know what Jimmy is going to say, right?

Mom, Im hungry. Can you make me a sandwich?

Okay, mom. Are you going to make him a sandwich? Dont make him a sandwich! And dont

lecture him about how he should have listened to you at McDonalds either. Firstwhat?Empathy. Secondaffirm the consequence.

Oh, Id be hungry too if I missed dinner.But dont worry, Ill make you a good breakfast in the morning.

No lecture. No shame. No distancing yourself. And no taking back the responsibility.


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Remember...Jimmys hunger isnt your problem. He created the problem. Its HIS problem. So

let him solve it. Dont solve it for him. He wont die of hunger. If you solve his problem youvejust taught him a bunch of terrible lessons.

Youve taught him that your words dont matter...

Youve taught him that there are no consequences to bad decisions...

Youve taught him that you will always fix what he broke andYouve taught him that the world revolves around him.

And according to Proverbsyouve taught him to be a fool instead of wise.

If thats what you want...then fix him a sandwich. But if you ever wonderwhy this generation is

called the entitlement generation its because too many parents are making sandwichs when

they shouldnt.

Now...what just happened? By giving Jimmy choice and consequences youve given him theopportunity to think and make decisions. It might seem basic but its this kind of encounter that

teaches your child wisdom and enables you to hit your parenting target before they leave home.

And trust me, you are going to enjoy going out to eat a lot more.

Were going to talk about this in more detail next week so be sure to come back. But inclosing...let me list out seven steps of the decision making process. When faced with a problem

or a situation you want to train your child to...

1. Stop and thinknot just react.2. Invite God into the process.3. Consider the options and consequences.4. Consider their natural inclinations.5. Invite wise people into the process.6. Make a choice.7. Take Action.

These are steps that you can model with your child. The next time a problem comes up thatrequires them to choose, walk them through these steps. The older they get the more discussion

will be possible and theyll learn how to make good decisions, not just react.

Wouldnt you sleep better as a parent if you knew that your kids were always doing these seventhings?

Prayer: Father, thank you for the simple target that Proverb gives us here. Help us all to be

people that aquire wisdom, practice wisdom and teach wisdom to others. And I pray for parents

here to learn how to make the shift from chauffeur to mentor and from cop to coach. Too often

we lose our cool because we dont have a plan. I hope my words today give people a plan to dealwith not only children but other important people in our lives. Amen.


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Going Deeper

Use the following questions for personal reflection or to discuss with your family, friends orsmall group.

1. Read Proverbs 1:1-5. What is the target that Solomon wants to help parents hit?2. How did or didnt your parents help you think and make decisions growing up? If you are

a parent, what have you done to help your child/ren grow in wisdom?3. If you have a computer go to www.biblestudytools.com and search for the wordwisdom in the book of Proverbs. Rea every verse listed. What are some common

attributes of the wise? Or look up Proverbs 8:33,9:8, 10:5, 12:15,18, 14:13, 16:21, 18:15,19:20, 20:1, 29:8,11.

4. Now do a search for the word fool. What are common attributes of the fool? Proverbs12:15, 14:16, 18:2,6,7, 20:3, 29:11

5. Discuss how giving up control, offering choices and giving consequences help children tobecome wise.

6. Assess the seven steps to making a good decision. Why is each step important? Whatwould you add or subtract?

7.

What are some tough situations facing you right now where you could apply these stepsto your own life?

parenthood...learning to train your child in the way of wisdom

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