parenting with love and limits

8/9/2019 Parenting with Love and Limits

1/18

1

PARENTINGwith

Love & Limits

By Remy Diederich

Cedarbrook Church


2/18

2

Parenting with Love & LimitsBy Remy Diederich

Copyright 2007, All rights reserved

Parenting is deceptive. Before I was a parent I was so nave. I thought that all I have to do waslove my kids and notdo all the stupid things that my parents did and Id be good. But was Iever wrong! In fact, children have no idea how intimidated most parents are of their task of

parenting. I dont think there is any more daunting responsibility that a person can have than to

raise a child to become a mature responsible adult. I mean, after all, were not always so sure that

we are mature responsible adults! So how can we raise someone to be something we arent!

And the problem isnt just what to teach your child but how to keep your child from beinginfluenced by the wrong things. Its not like when everyone lived on a farm with no TV or

internet or cell phones. Parents have to contend with the pervasive influence of both media and

peer pressure.

Brian Swimme is a sociologist and he said that todays greatest teacher is not the parent or the

church or even the school but advertisements. He said the television is where a childs world

view is shaped. This is where they come to understand what life is all about - where theirreality is developed which is a pretty scary thought. And the reason he thinks this is because

before a child enters first-grade they will have soaked in 30,000 advertisements. He says,

"The time our teenagers spend absorbing ads is more than their total stay in high school."

And then he makes this comparison

"When one compares the pitiful efforts we employ for moral development with the colossal

energies we pour into advertising, it's like comparing a high school football game with

World War II. Nothing that happens in one hour on Sunday makes the slightest dent in thestrategic bombing that takes place day and night 52 weeks a year." National Catholic

Reporter, 12-17-04

Well, that makes you feel pretty hopeless as a parent, doesnt it? I mean how can you compete

with that kind of overwhelming, sophisticated, outside influence? And if not the media, then whatabout the influence of your childs friends? One survey found that only 25% of parents felt that

they have greater influence on their children than their childrens friends do.

But heres the good newsthat same survey showed that these parents were wrong. The

researchers said

Most teens reported that they think highly of their parents, want to be like them, and enjoyspending time with them. Child Trends 12-8-04.

Kids just have a little trouble showing how much they enjoy being with their parents!

So the church may not have much influence with only an hour on Sunday or maybe anotherhour on Wednesday for youth group, but parents in most cases are with their child every day

of the week.


3/18

3

My point here is that if you are a parent you have the potential of being the greatest influence on

your child. Not the media. Not their friends. But you. So dont give up! And dont forget thatGod designed parents to be the greatest influence in their childs life. You know, God could

have held onto the reigns of creating people but he didnt. God chose to share that privilege and

responsibility with us.

Think about that. Why would God give us the responsibility of creating and raising children if we

werent capable of doing it and doing it well? In fact, the parent/child relationship is so importantto God that God put parenting in the top five of the ten commandments

"Honor your father and your mother so that you will live a long time in the land that the

Lord your God is going to give you. Exodus 20:12.

I cant think of a better endorsement for your parenting, can you? God himselfspeaks to every

child and says Listen to your parents. Let them influence you. You see, Gods got your back in

this! So parents, Im here to tell you to not give up.

Now I want to help you today by giving you a goal to shoot at and some ideas about how toaccomplish that goal.

The Goal: Character

So first, whats the goal of parenting? What is the target parents are shooting at? You could

probably state it many ways but heres my attempt: The goal of a parent is to raise children to

become mature, responsible adults who honor God and contribute to society in positive ways.

Thats our target. And to create that kind of person requires developing their character. So the job

of the parent is to develop character in their child.

In the bookBoundaries with Kids, Henry Cloud and John Townshend define character as havingthe ability to do six things:

1. Recover from distressing emotional states2. Delay gratification and take responsibility for problems and assigned tasks3. Lose well, grieve fully and let go of hurts and losses.4. Identify, admit and confess wrong.5. Change behavior6. Forgive others. Page 32.

This is a picture of a mature person with character. But if thats the goal, then how does a parentgo about achieving that goal? How do you take a childfresh out of the womb and work with

them for 18 years to produce a mature, responsible adult who honors God and contributes tosociety in positive ways?

The Method: Love with Limits

Well, as my sermon title suggests, it comes from a good balance of love and limits. You might

visualize it like thisparenting is a balancing act between love and limits.


4/18

4

Although, once I named this sermon I decided I didnt like it because it implies that limits are theopposite of love. But thats not true. To the contrary, we limit our children because we love

them. So, maybe it should look like thislove is a balancing act between affirmation and limits.

They are both an expression of love.

But finding a balance is hard. In my parents generation they were big on limits and light on

affirmation. In fact, spanking was so accepted that they even did it in school. Then in the 60sand 70s kids grew up and rebelled against those limits. They were known as the love

generation. And as they became parents they were big on affirmation and light on limits which

created its own set of problems. One pastor noted

These days parents make birthday celebrations into Broadway productions and honor pre-

school graduations with floats and marching bands. Many parents think that if they pour

on the love, that will somehow make up for their failure to set limits. Bill Hybels

Well, because I see that our culture is light on limits right now Im going to focus on how to bring

limits back into the picture. You see, weve got to lose the idea that limiting our children is a bad

thing. Just because kids complain about limitsand parents feel guilty imposing limitsthatdoesnt mean limits are bad. Limits are a good thing if they are done in love and balanced with

affirmation. One psychologist said,

"Children need limits on their behavior because they feel better and more secure when they

live within a certain structure." Laurence Steinberg, Newsweek. The Power of No,Newsweek, 9/27/04

They feel betterand more secure. Parents, you have to believe that if you want to parent well.Children may fight you about going to bed at a certain time each night. They may fight you about

coming to supper at a certain time or coming home at a certain hourbut whether they realize it

or not they like having that structure. Why? Because they like knowing that someone is watchingover them and caring for them. And they actually like the excuse to say at times, I cant. My

parents wont let me. And so we do them a great disservice by backing down and yielding to

their complaints.

LOVE

LIMITS

AFFIRMATION

LOVE

LIMITS


5/18

5

I like what one person said in a letter to the editor of Newsweek as they responded to an article on

parenting"One of the greatest gifts parents can give their child is that of setting limits and creating

opportunities to feel disappointment that then can be dealt with in a healthy way ." The

Power of No, Newsweek, 9/27/04

Did you get that? Setting limits for your child is providing them an opportunity to feel

disappointment. Thats excellent. The next time you tell your child no and they complain,just tell them that you are simply training them how to handle disappointment in a healthy way!

That sounds funny but its really true.

Has anyone been disappointed with life this week? Of course, weve all been disappointed this

week because life is full of disappointments. One of the ways we prepare our children for those

disappointments is by not giving them everything that they want. We strategically disappoint

them by imposing limits. And by doing that, not only are they prepared for lifes disappoints butthey are prepared for when other people, including God, disappoint them by saying no, you cant

do that.

And so as parents we have to be relentless in our commitment to developing mature, responsibleadults who honor God and contribute to society in positive ways and not give up.

The Parenting Tool: Boundaries

Okay, now I want to narrow my focus here and get more specific in regard to limits. Let meintroduce what might be a new term for some of us and that is the word boundaries.

Boundaries are a specific tool that we use to create limits in the life of children. Boundaries are

the result of rules with consequences.

Rules + Consequences = Boundaries

In the book,Boundaries with Kids, it says that children are not born with boundariesits the jobof the parent to impose external boundaries until the child is able to embrace the boundary

internally that is they own it for themselves.

Maybe the easiest way to describe boundaries and their benefit is to compare it to a soccer game.Imagine that there is a bunch of kids and you throw them a soccer ball and tell them to Go play

soccer. Now, if theyve never heard of soccer, thats going to cause them some problems. And

that might cause you a few problems as well.

You might come back in an hour and find that they are using the ball to break windows. You getall mad at them but it would have helped if you told them what soccer is. Showed them a soccerfield and its boundaries. Showed them the goals and tell them the rules. By giving soccer some

structure the game suddenly makes sense, they start having fun and the problems go away.

The same is true in a childs life. A lack of boundaries often frustrates and confuses children andthat can breed resentment and eventually rebellion. But if you bring structure to their lives along

with affirmation, good things can happen.


6/18

6

You see, boundaries help a child to understand who they are supposed to be and who they are notsupposed to be. Its like this circle.

Everything inside the circle is who you want your child to be. This includes rules, expectations

and goals for them. And everything outside of it is who you dont want them to be.

Consequences sit out there waiting to happen should they decide to venture outside the circle.

Consequences help to reinforce who they are and who they are not. So, if you are a parent youneed to decide what you want inside the circle.

For example, lets say a parent wants their child to be a healthy person. And so rules areestablished with appropriate consequences to help them reach that goal: you want them to get

eight hours of sleep, have three healthy meals, brush their teeth and so on.

Or, another example, you want your child to live a life that honors God so you instill rituals tothat end: prayer, church participation, financial giving, acts of kindness, etc. These are simple

rules or expectations that are put in place to help your child become the person you want them to

be. They are non-negotiable and there are appropriate consequences if the child chooses to go

outside the boundaries.

Now I want to make sure you understand what I mean by consequences. Consequences are not

punishment given out in the heat of anger. Consequences are rational, well thought throughoutcomes to crossing a boundary that are best communicated in advance of an offense. If not in

advance then they should be communicated after the offense (after sufficient thought has gone

into it) but not during a confrontation. Thats because it is too easy for the child to attach theirnegative feelings to the consequence if it is given in haste or harshness.

If there are no consequences in your parenting then you really havent established boundaries,only suggestions.

Rules + no consequences = Suggestions

Eight hours of sleep

Three healthy meals

Brush teeth twice a day

Exercise

Pray together

Experience church

together

Learn to tithe (10%)

Consequences

Who you want them to be.

Rules, expectations, goals.Who you dontwant them to be.

Consequences

Who you dontwant them to be.

Consequences


7/18

7

But children dont need suggestions. Especially in the early years, they need concrete rules and

consequences to help them understand whats expected of them because they dont know whothey are until you tell them and reinforce it with boundaries. Isnt that what God did when he gave

us the Ten Commandments or the Sermon on the Mount? The Bible is full of rules with

consequences that help to shape us to become the people God wants us to be. (And for that matter

all of life has rules with consequences so its important that we prepare our children for that.)

And so just like God teaches his people with rules and consequences, parents teach their childrenwith rules and consequences. Everyone needs to learn that we reap what we sow. Consequences

teach that there is a cost to bad decision making (and there are rewards for good decision making.)

Just like the Bible says

God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness [Note, holiness is a

character issue]. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however,

it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace [more character issues] for those who

have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:10,11

How to teach boundaries

So, if we want to be the influence on our child that God has called us to be how do we teach

boundaries? Well think of any teaching situation. Who do you learn from best? We learn best

from people who live what they teach. When teachers live what they teach they give theirteaching credibility. But when they dont live what they teach they undermine their credibility,

dont they?

I read an advice column a few weeks ago and a single father wrote in asking when it was

appropriate to bring his dates back to the house to spend the night. He wasnt quite sure what to

tell his children. And the columnist I cant remember who it was wisely said,

Well, if you want to teach your child that sexual relationships are casual and that theycan engage with different people on a regular basis then you can start bringing your dates

home now. But if you want to teach your child that sex is a special gift reserved for

marriage then you should wait until you are married.

Kids may be young but they arent stupid. They can smell out an inconsistency a mile away.

So dont think you are fooling them. Thats why when Jesus walked the earth he established hiscredibility for thirty years before he started teaching. The Bible says

The Word became a human and lived among us. We saw his glory -- the glory that belongs

to the only Son of the Father -- and he was full of grace and truth. John 1:14

So if you want to be a parent of influence you want to first walk in grace and truth as much asyou possibly can. Im not saying you have to be perfect. Thats not realistic. But I think yourchildren should at least see that you are trying that you are doing your best. Let me give you just

a few examples.

One of the biggest credibility busters that kids sniff out is a bad marriage. They look at you andthink, Who are you to tell me what to do when you two cant even talk to each other without


8/18

8

fighting. Im convinced that a lot of rebellion comes from children that are angry about their

parents poor marriage.

So parents, one of the best things you can do to influence your child is to work on your marriage.

If that means reading a book together or seeing a marriage counselor or attending a marriage

retreat, do what you need to do to address your marital issues. Even if your marriage isnt perfect, just the fact that you are working on it gives them hope and models character development for

them.

But there are other ways we undermine our credibility as parents. Let me ask you a few

questions

If you want your child to be responsible, are you responsible? Can they count on you to follow through on your commitments? Or do you leave them wondering what happened to you? Are you available to talk or play with them or help them with homework or do you waste

countless hours on the internet or playing video games?

One time Lisa and I had gone to the Cities to visit some relatives and we told our kids that wed

be back by 10pm. We ended up not leaving until 10pm meaning that we wouldnt make it back

home until 11:30pm. It dawned on me that if one of our kids showed up an hour and a half lateId be pretty mad. I dont know why it never struck me until then but I bet the thought crossed

their minds. So I gave them a call to let them know wed be late. And Ive tried to do it eversince.

Here are some more questions for you.

If you want your child to respect you, do you respect them? If you dont want to be interrupted while you are speaking, do you interrupt them? If you dont want them to be harsh or rude to you, are you harsh or rude to them? If you dont like them nagging you about things, do you nag them?

For some reason parents often think that they can play by a different set of rules. That - because

they are parents because they have the power that they are somehow above the rules and the

rules dont apply to them. But kids pick up on that and it undermines a parents credibility andinfluence.

Years ago I had an employee who did something wrong at work. I can remember how careful Iwas to correct them, making sure that I didnt shame or humiliate them. But then God seemed to

tap me on the shoulder and say, How come you dont treat your children with the same respect

that you treat your employees when they make mistakes? That really got my attention.

Finally,

If you want your children to grow spiritually, do they see you growing spiritually? Or do they see you just going through the motions just doing the bare minimum so youcan claim to be spiritual and fulfill your parental obligation?

Do they hear you talk about spiritual things? Do they see you give generously or serve sacrificially?


9/18

9

Do they see you regularly attending church or do they see you making lame excuses forwhy you should stay home?

Kids arent dumb. They see through that. So, if they dont see that God has made a genuine

change in your life then its going to be really hard to get them to take God or church seriously.

Parents, Im not trying to beat you up. But someones got to ask the hard questions and I

volunteered! God created you to be the greatest influence in your childs life but that means you

need to build credibility with your children. You see, parenting starts with the parent. But youcan do it! You can not only develop your own character but you can develop your childs

character to become that mature person that Ive been talking about.

Now, I came across a music video by Rodney Adtkins that I want to show you (Watching You).

But before I do that I want to make a few suggestions. First, if you feel like your parenting needs

help, maybe you want to come forward for prayer. Second, I want to invite you to become a partof a new parenting club. Im not sure how often it will meet but Ive put three options on our

feedback form and Id like you to let me know what interests you.

The idea is that parents would meet either monthly or weekly to discuss a book that we will readtogether and then wed break into small groups based on the age of your child to answer questions

to specific questions that parents have. The idea is to provide some level of coaching to parents

so they dont feel so alone and when things go wrong, they have a place to turn. So please markyour interest and put it in the offering.

Next week Ill talk specifically about how to teach boundaries. Maybe you can invite someparents that you know could use the help.

Watching You

By Rodney Atkins

Drivin through town just my boy and meWith a Happy Meal in his booster seat

Knowin that he couldnt have the toy til his nuggets were gone.

A green traffic light turned straight to redI hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.

His fries went a flyin, and his orange drink covered his lapWell, then my 4 year old said a 4 letter word

It started with S and I was concernedSo I said, Son, now whered you learn to talk like that?

Chorus:He said, Ive been watching you, dad aint that kool?

Im your buckaroo, I want to be like you.And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

We got cowboy boots and camo pantsYeah, were just alike, hey, aint we dad

I want to do everything you do.So Ive been watching you.


10/18

10

We got back home and I went to the barn

I bowed my head and I prayed real hard

Said, Lord, please help me help my stupid self.Just this side of bedtime later that nightTurnin on my sons Scooby-doo nightlight.

He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.

He closed his little eyes, folded his little handsSpoke to God like he was talkin to a friend.

And I said, Son, now whered you learn to pray like that?

Chorus:He said, Ive been watching you, dad aint that kool?

Im your buckaroo; I want to be like you.

And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.We like fixin things and holding momas hand

Yeah, were just alike, hey, aint we dad.I want to do everything you do; so Ive been watching you.

With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug.

Said, My little bear is growin up.And he said, But when Im big Ill still know what to do.

Chorus:

cause Ive been watching you, dad aint that kool?

Im your buckaroo; I want to be like you.And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.

By then Ill be strong as supermanWell be just alike, hey, wont we dad

When I can do everything you do.cause Ive been watchin you.

hey yeah

uh huh


11/18

11

The Art of Affirmation

By Remy Diederich

Copyright 2007, all rights reserved.

If I asked you to tell me where I can read about parenting in the Bible, what would you say? Do

you know where the chapters are that talk about parenting? Well, if you find them, let me know!

Because, as far as I can tell, there are no chapters on parenting in the Bible. There are a few

verses here and there, but no chapters1. In fact, I did a search in the Bible for the word parenting

and do you know how many responses I got? Zero! That doesnt mean that you cant learn

anything from the Bible about parenting. You can. It just means that its not obvious. You have

to do some work to pull it together.

So as Ive studied for my two sermons on parenting the question that Ive been asking is Are

there any principles in the Bible or the life of Jesus that are transferable to parenting? Well, Ithink there are. And Ill get to them in a minute but first, let me give you a brief recap from last

week. (And by the way, if you arent a parent, dont worry because youll find that a lot of what I

have to say today relates to relationships in general.)

Now, last week I laid out a model for parenting that looks like this.

Parenting is the ability to love your child with the right balance of affirmation and limits. Lastweek I focused on limits. I talked a lot about the importance establishing rules and consequences

which I said were called boundaries. This week I want to focus on affirmation.

Listen to what one of the verses on parenting in the Bible tells us

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and

instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

To exasperate literally means to stir up or provoke someone but you might just say that to

exasperate means to get in someones face and tick them off. Ever had a parent do that to you? Ihave. And Im afraid Ive done it to my children as well. Ive got a video skit that I want you to

see. Lets watch.

Video Skit: ModestyThe skit involves a 17 year old girl and her conservative father sitting in a counselors office.

Through the counselors questioning it becomes clear that the father is upset that his daughter

1Although a case could be made that the book of Proverbs is a chapter on parenting. But more accurately its a book

on wisdom, that is, learning to choose well. Its not a manual for parents per se.

Affirmation

Limits

LOVE


12/18

12

wants to wear clothing that he considers provocative. She, on the other hand, just wants to fit in

with her friends. The dad insists that she wear an under shirt(my wife tells me this is called acamy) to cover her skin and she hates it. In fact, some of her friends wouldnt even sit with her

at lunch because they thought she looked so nerdy. She compared his need to buy expensive suits

to fit in with his lawyer friends to be on the same level with what she is doing.

After both of them express a lot of pain and frustration the skit ends with no resolution, probably

like a lot of arguments in our homes.

Parents, I want you to see thisif all you do as a parent is set boundaries and dish out

consequences then you are going to exasperate your child. Thats what happened here. And therewas really nowhere to go with this problem, was there? This father and daughter painted

themselves into two corners and it was a lose-lose situation. You want to avoid those at all costs.

You see, what was missing was affirmation. Its like this equation

Limits +No Affirmation = EXASPERATION

This is so important to remember. The dad had his boundaries down he had the rules and

consequences in place and they were good ones - but he was failing to address his daughters

need to be affirmed. And she was between a rock and a hard place because no matter what shedid she was going to lose the acceptance of either her dad or her friends. Not a good place to be.

In the bookBoundaries with Kids, the authors make an insightful observation. They say

A childs need to belong is more central than his need to be good. If obeying house

boundaries helps him belong, so be it. If rebelling against them brings him attention and

belonging, so be it again. p. 44

What that tells me is that when you find yourself in a lose-lose situation with your child they are

going to naturally choose what makes them feel the most affirmed and valued. Ifyou arent

offering any affirmation and value then they will naturally turn to their friends to find itevery

time.

This dad needed to affirm his daughter - not just in the midst of their argument but in the years

leading up to their argument. You see, its a lot easier to wear modest clothing when your parentshave consistently affirmed and reaffirmed their love for you. But if you doubt their love its

not worth the risk of losing your friends just to please parents that are more concerned about their

rules than you.

So, the question this week is,How do you affirm your children while maintaining the boundaries

that you have established? Does the Bible help us at all in sorting this out? Well, I think it does.And specifically I think the life of Jesus helps us. Jesus was never a parent but he treated people

the way parents should treat their children. And so let me tell you six ways to affirm your children

that I find in the ministry of Jesus2. Im calling this theArt of Affirmation.

2If you are not a parent, simply apply these insights of affirmation to any important relationship that you have.


13/18

13

1. Communicate Unconditional LoveThe first way to affirm your child is to communicate unconditional love at all times. There is a

great verse in the book of Ephesians where it tells us that[God] chose us in [Christ] before the creation of the world Ephesians 1:4

God chose to love us not only before we were born but before the world was even created. Doyou know what that means? That means that God loved us before we had a chance to do anything

to earn his love. Thats called unconditional love because there are no conditions on why you are

being chosen and loved by God. God loves us in spite of who you are or what youve done. Andits that same kind of love that parents need to communicate to their children.

Most parents start out with that kind of love for their child. That first year they change diapers

and get up in the middle of the night to feed them. They just love that baby even though the babyisnt doing one thing to earn their parents love. But once the baby grows to the age where they

can start to take on some responsibility there is often a shift in the quality of a parents love.

Many parents start to use their love to affirm their child when they are obedient which is fine -but the sad thing is that they withholdtheir love topunish their child when they are disobedient.

And that produces very emotionally unhealthy children. Either they knock themselves out tryingto earn their parents love or they reject their parents out of anger for loving them conditionally.

Parents, listen to me on this. The one thing your children HAVE to know is that you love them

unconditionally and that means even when they misbehave. Dont withhold your love.

So, how do you communicate unconditional love? Well, Jesus communicated his love in three

ways. Through words, through touch and by making eye contact. Let me give you someexamples.

Through Words

Jesus continually affirmed his love for people through his words. When a religious man by the

name of Nicodemus came to Jesus with questions about faith Jesus assured him of Godsacceptance. He told the man

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world

through him. John 3:17.

Jesus used words to let Nicodemus know that God wasforhim and not againsthim. In the same

way, children need to hear over and overagain how much their parents love them. Dont leave

them guessing, parents. Give them lots of reasons to be convinced that you love them even when

they are disobedient.

Through Touch

Jesus also used touch to show his love. When two blind men asked Jesus to heal them the Bible

tells us that

Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their

sight and followed him. Matthew 20:34.


14/18

14

Jesus could have healed people from a distance but I think he chose to touch people because it

communicated his love so powerfully.

But what do parents typically do when they get mad at their child? They distance themselves and

often send them to their room. Instead of drawing close to them and touching them they do just

the opposite, which sends the message that their child is unlovable in failure.

You know, a simple touch can be so powerful. I was in a doctors office a few weeks ago andwhen the doctor checked my lungs he put his hand on my shoulder. I wasnt aware of being

stressed before that but as soon as he touched my shoulder I could feel my body relax and I was

reminded of the power and importance of touch. My life consists of helping other people and soto have someone touch me even a stranger - and ask how I was doing even though I was

paying him to do it - kind of stopped me in my tracks. It felt good! Imagine how good it would

feel coming from a parent. So parents, dont only simply tell your child how much you love them

butprove itby touching them.

Through eye contactAnd then in the Gospel of Mark it tells us how Jesus showed his love for a young rich man by

making eye contact. It says

Jesus looked at him and loved him. Mark 10:21.

Can you imagine Jesus loving you simply through his look? What do you think that looked like?

Well, thats the kind of look that parents need to give their children. One parenting expert said

thisThe more parents make eye contact with their child as a means of expressing their love,

the more a child is nourished with love and the fuller is his emotional tank. Dr. Ross

Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child, p. 37.

So first, if you want to affirm your child, communicate unconditional love. Pull them close, look

them in the eye and tell them how much they mean to you.

2. Offer ChoicesThe second way to affirm your child is to offer them choices. Ive always been impressed with

how Jesus never demanded people to obey him. He simply laid out the options and let them

choose. Its like with this young man that I just mentioned. He was looking for how to haveeternal life and Jesus said

"If you want to be complete, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will

have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this, he went

away sad, because he had great wealth. Matthew 19:21,22.

Jesus didnt run after him and coerce him or beg him or scold him for walking away. He just let

him go because Jesus knew that the man had to choose for himself. You see, our ability to chooseis what makes us an individual. Its what makes us distinct from other people. To choose makes

us feel human.

Christian author, Dallas Willard once said


15/18

15

In creating human beings God made them to rule, to reign, to have dominion in a limited sphere.

Only so can they be persons. Any being that has say over nothing at all is no personThey

would be reduced to completely passive observers who count for nothing, who make no

difference. p. 22 The Divine Conspiracy.

So, if you want to exasperate someone if you want to really tick them off then give them nosay in matters, just tell them what to do.

Have you ever had that happen at work? Some edict came down from management and they

never invited your input. They never thought to ask what you or your co-workers thought. How

did that feel? Not good. Right? Then everyone in the office spent the day complaining aboutmanagement and how they just dont get it. Well, if you can appreciate how that feels then you

know how children feel when you never give them any choice. You just tell them what to do. It

doesnt feel any better for them. You see, whenever you give someone a choice you give them a

sense of power a sense of control a sense that they make a difference in this world and thatsa good thing.

So as a parent, you want to affirm your child by giving them choices. It may not seem like muchto you, but it will mean a lot to them. When they are young you give them simple harmless

choices choices that are either/or, that are between two things that you approve. For example,

dont ask them Do you want vegetables tonight? That choice is too broad. Theres noboundary there. Ask them, Would you like carrots or peas tonight? Or, dont ask them, Whattime you want to go to bed tonight? Thats not the kind of choice Im talking about. You want

to give them choices that empower them but still fit within your boundary. So ask, Do you want

a story and then brush your teeth or do you want to brush your teeth and then get a story?

Then, as they get older, give them more responsibility in their choice. Instead of buying clothes

for your teenager you might give them the money and a budget and tell them to buy their ownclothes. Just make sure they bring back the change! You see, giving your child choice tells them

that you trust them to make a good decision that you think they are capable of choosing well

and thats affirming. But simply telling them how to live their life is dehumanizing and willcause them to become resentful.

3. Respond to Mistakes with Empathy, not DisgustNext, you affirm your child when you respond to their mistakes with empathy and not disgust.

Jesus gave a good example of responding to a situation with empathy. There were three siblingsby the name of Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Lazarus died when Jesus was on a ministry tour and

when Jesus got back home Mary confronted Jesus. She said

Lord, if you had been h ere, my brother would not have died."And then it says that

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping,

he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. And then it tells us that Jesus wept. John11:32-35


16/18

16

Mary was upset. But Jesus didnt reprimand her. He didnt say, You cant talk to me like that.

Im God! He didnt tell her to watch her mouth. He identified with her pain so much that hecried with her.

Now, Im not saying that you need to cry every time your child has a problem but you dont have

to jump in and confront them for being wrong either. You first want to let them know that youunderstand their pain even if they were at fault. Theres always time later to bring correction.

For example, lets say your teenager is supposed to have the car home by midnight or the

consequence is that they lose their driving privileges for a week. They get home 30 minutes late

one night and as soon as they come in the door they complain about how they tried to get homeon time but their friends made them stop to go to the bathroom on the way home and then they

ran into some friends and they got talking and lost track of time.

Now, when that happens, youve got a choice. You can tell them that you dont want to hear anyof their lame excuses, demand the car keys back on the spot and tell them how irresponsible they

are. Thats one option. Or you can simply say,Thats too bad. Im sorry your friends werent more sensitive to your need to get home.And then say Im glad you made it home. Good night.

Now you are sitting there thinking, What, no consequences? Of course there are consequences!Thats a given. You are just wise enough to not mention them at that time because it will only

provoke a fight. Wait until they go to use the car later in the week. Then simply remind them of

the consequence of coming home late. Theyll probably object but you can calmly remind them

that those are the rules and next time theyll have to allow for delays. End of discussion. If theconsequences are clearly laid out in advance, you can do that. If they continue to object you can

offer another empathy statement like, I appreciate your frustration. Its hard to not have a car.

But those are the rules.

You see, when you respond to your childs mistakes with empathy and not disgust you do two

things:1. You keep the focus on their bad decision-making and not on your inappropriate anger.

This is so important! Parents are always losing their moral authority because they lose

control of their anger and then the child can point the finger at them. Parents often relent

on consequences at this point out of guilt. Dont play into that trap. Stay cool!2. You send the message that you still respect and love them even though they made a bad

decision. Getting all mad makes them doubt that.

Thats good parenting because you maintain both the boundary and the relationship.

4. Require Children to Solve Their Problems.Fourth, you affirm your child when you require them to resolve their problems. Theres a story inthe Bible that tells about a time when thousands of people had come to the country to hear Jesus

speak. And it reads like this

As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and

it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy


17/18

17

themselves some food." Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them

something to eat." Matthew 14:15,16

Jesus is telling them,

Dont just come to me with your problems. I want you to take responsibility for this.

Now, if you know the story, Jesus ultimately provided the food, but he engaged them in the

problem solving process. He helped them to feel the weight of responsibility and let them knowthat he was counting on them. By doing that He communicated to them that they were capable of

helping. And we need to do that with our kids as well.

When you jump in and solve your kids problems you are telling them that they are in-capable of

doing it themselves. You are telling them that they are powerless and need someone to rescue

them. Instead of helping them you actually hurt them by fostering what people call a victim

mentality.

That means that they grow up to see themselves as the helpless victim of every problem. Theybecome whiny, needy people who are always asking people to save them and let me tell

youthat wont make them popular. No one will want to work with them. No one will want to be

married to them. And no one will want to be their friend.

So dont be afraid to turn your childs problems back to them and say something like

Wow, Im sorry that happened. What are you going to do to solve that?

Now, one of the things they might do is to ask for your helpand thats finebut dont own theproblem. Let them own the problem and use you as a resource to help solve theirproblem.

5.ForgiveNext, you affirm your child when you forgive them. The Gospel of Luke tells a story of a sinful

woman who sat at the feet of Jesus and, as with many people Jesus encountered, he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." Luke 7:48. Jesus had a way of helping even the most sinful person to

feel accepted in his presence. Why was that? I think its because he never held peoples sins overtheir head. He never said he forgave them but then continued to hold a grudge against them or

say things like, There you go again. You ALWAYS do that.

When children hear words like that they sense that youve given up on them - that they havefallen out of favor with you and theyll never gain it back. I think thats when a lot of kids start to

drift away. When they sense that your forgiveness isnt real they start to shut down and look for

love in other places. But when you truly forgive your child you are telling them that you wont lettheir past mistakes define who they are. You still love them and still believe in them.

6. Offer HopeAnd finally, you affirm your child when you offer them hope. There was another woman who

Jesus forgave. She was about to be stoned by an angry mob of men until Jesus said,Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

After the men all walked away Jesus said to the woman,


18/18

18

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" And she said "No one, sir," Then

Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you," "Go now and leave your life of sin." John

8:10,11.

When Jesus told her to leave her life of sin he was telling her that he had hope for her future thatshe wasnt trapped in her lifestyle of sin but she was capable of so much more. He saw something

in her that she didnt even see in herself. And thats what we need to do for our children. Its likeGod told Israel through the prophet Jeremiah

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to

harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

You see, parents need to be a childs biggest advocate. They need to be their biggest cheer leader

because if they arent there is a good chance that they wont find any other cheerleaders out there

- at least ones that they can count on over time. And thats a very lonely place to be.

In the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness Will Smith plays the role of Chris Gardner who strugglesto survive financially and take care of his son at the same time. One day the two of them are outshooting hoops when Chris gets an understanding of what it means to offer hope to his son.

Movie Clip: The Pursuit of Happyness - chapter 14 at 54:01 to 56:02.

The boy mentions that he wants to go pro when he grows up. But Chris tells his son not to get

his hopes up about being any kind of a great basketball player because he never was and his son

just doesnt have the genes to be any good. The boy looks rejected and stops playing ball. Chris

realizes what hes done and then tells his son not to let anyone steal his dreams, not even his dad.

If he has dreams he needs to go out and get them.

Parents, you are the biggest cheerleader your child has. You want to be painting pictures of theirfuture where they can see themselves being successful and serving God. Dont burst their

bubblesanyone can do that. Give them a reason to jump out of bed each day because you

believe in them so much.

Well, parenting in love is a balance of affirmation and limits. Finding that balance is hard but you

can do it with Gods help and maybe with the help of a parenting club!

Prayer:Father, thanks for coming in the flesh to model for us how to love each other, especially

our children. For those of us who have failed at parenting help us to find forgiveness and hope.

Thanks that you are OUR biggest cheerleader. And for those that realize that they were not

parented well, help them to forgive their parents and find their affirmation from you. Amen.

*Note: Remy and Lisa will be hosting a parenting club on the first Sunday of the month startingSunday, October 7th from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at the Cedarbrook Center. Childcare will be

provided upon request for a fee. Please register in advance.

Resource with free articles: http://www.loveandlogic.com/

parenting with love and limits

Documents