parks and rec spec

PARKS AND RECREATION

"Help Me!"

written by

Jonathan Mayer

Contact:Jonathan Mayer(845) 661-5480

[email protected]

PREVIOUSLY ON PARKS & REC

LESLIE was elected to the Pawnee City Council.

BEN agreed to go to Washington, D.C., to work on a campaign.

TOM and ANNE broke up. For real this time.

(Its right after the end of Season 4)

PARKS AND RECREATION "Help Me!"

COLD OPEN

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - DAY 1

Leslie is on the phone in her office.

LESLIEI cant believe we stayed up all night talking.

INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

BEN(on phone)

I know. I feel like a teenager. I mean, not me as a teenager, but some teenager who had a girlfriend, once.

INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION

LESLIEWe still have 20 minutes before anyone gets in if you wanna try that thing we talked about.

BENYeah, OK.

LESLIEReally? OK, uh...What are you wearing?

BENA suit.

LESLIECmon, give me something to work with here.

BENA...gray...suit...And assless chaps?

LESLIEWhat?!

BEN TALKING HEAD:

BENIts hard keeping the romance alive 600 miles apart. Especially cuz were both really bad at it.

PARKS AND RECREATION "Help Me!" 1.

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - CONT.

Donna walks in and sits down at her desk. A janitor walks by Leslies office.

LESLIEOh, a janitor just walked by. I have to talk in code. How about instead of (inaudible whispering) I say making necessary fiscal adjustments?

Donna picks up the phone and ends up on Ben & Leslies line.

BEN...That actually kind of works for me.

LESLIEI bet youd like me to make those fiscal adjustments, wouldnt you?

BENYeah, I would.

Donna: Wait, what is this conversation about?

LESLIEIm furloughing Jerry Gergichs hours to avert a budget shortfall right now.

BEN(trying to go with it)

O-kay...

LESLIEIm downsizing Jerry Gergich.

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Donna is grossed out.

INT. WASHINGTON D.C. OFFICE- CONT.

Ben is just confused at this point.

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - CONT.

Unbeknownst to Leslie, Jerry has walked into her office.

JERRYMorning, Leslie!

Leslie looks up quickly at Jerry.


LESLIE(on phone)

Lets never speak of this again.

END OF COLD OPEN


ACT ONE

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - D1

Leslie is sleeping with her head on her desk.

COUNCILMAN HOWSERReady for the teachers association meeting?

LESLIE(tired)

Extroomly.

COUNCILMAN HOWSERWhat?

LESLIE(alert)

Extremely ready.

COUNCILMAN HOWSERYou read the briefing?

LESLIE(lying)

Dozens of times. Several times.

COUNCILMAN HOWSERGood. I have to be in Indianapolis this afternoon. I want you to run it.

LESLIEThank you!

COUNCILMAN HOWSERIts a real TS, if you know what I mean.

LESLIE(Laughing)

I know.(She doesnt.)

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE- LATER - DAY 1

LESLIEListen up, everyone. Ive got big news.

TOMAshton-and-Demi-hooking-up big, or Ashton-and-Demi-splitting-up big?


LESLIEI dont know, whichevers bigger.

TOM TALKING HEAD

TOMIn 1994 I began developing the Celebrity-Coupling Scale of Magnitude. AKA the CCSM, AKA the Brangelometer.

B-Roll: A CHART consisting of a number line from -100 to 100. At 0, Annette Bening and Warren Beatty. Below them, Heidi and Spencer. At the very top, Kanye and Kim.

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE- CONTINUOUS - D1

LESLIEIve been chosen to run todays City Council session.

Way to go, Leslie, applause, etc.

APRILThis is like Ted Danson-Goldberg big.

LESLIEThank you. Im gonna need all of your help. Tom, Im putting you in charge.

TOMNice!

LESLIEDonna, April- youre in charge of Tom.

JERRYWhat do you want me to do, Leslie?

LESLIE(She looks him over.) Ron!

Leslie goes to Rons office as ANASTASIA, 28, African-American enters. She has a crunchy vibe, almost hippy-ish.

ANASTASIAIm sorry, could you help me?

APRIL(smiling)

Yes.

APRIL exits.


ANASTASIAIm looking for the city council.

JERRYThats just-

TOMTom Haverford, but you can call me Charles.

ANASTASIAOK...

TOMArent you going to ask why you can call me Charles?

ANASTASIA...Sure.

TOMBecause around here, Im in charge.

ANASTASIA(laughing)

Anastasia Jeffries.

INT. RONS OFFICE - D1

LESLIERon, whats a TS?

RONWhat?

LESLIEA TS. Councilman Howser said todays meeting was gonna be a real TS.

RONYou know I dont believe in abbreviations.

RON TALKING HEAD

RON (CONTD)The only forms of wordplay I engage in are understatement, and synesthesia: the use of words commonly associated with one type of sensory experience to describe a different type of sensory experience.


INT. RONS OFFICE- CONT.

RONWhy dont you just ask Councilman Howser?

LESLIEVery funny, Ron.

ANDY enters.

ANDYHave you guys seen April?

LESLIEShes at a meeting.

ANDYI was gonna play her the new Mouse Rat demo. You guys wanna hear it?

RONSon, Ive heard your music. It smells like Pinesol and burning eggs.

ANDY(touched)

Thanks, Ron.

Ron, camera aware, lets out a little smile.

INT. CITY HALL HALLWAY - D1

Tom and Anastasia outside the City Council chambers.

TOMHey, total guess: do you like vegan paninis and wraps?

ANASTASIAIs there a place like that in Pawnee?

TOMThere could be.

ANASTASIA(checking her watch)

I do have some time to kill before the meeting.

INT. ANNS OFFICE - D1

Ann is sitting with her back to an approaching LESLIE.


LESLIEDidnt you get my 911 text?!

ANNJesus! Leslie, you scared me.

LESLIEIt was a 911 text!

ANNI know.

LESLIEThat means high level emergency.

ANNThe last time you texted me 911 it was because basic cable was showing Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

LESLIEYAYA! ...I thought you were going to say it too.

ANNWhats up?

LESLIECouncilman Howser put me in charge of todays meeting with the Pawnee High School Delegation-

ANNThats amazing.

LESLIETheres no time for that! But thank you. It is amazing. But theres no time for that!

ANNWhats the problem?

LESLIEThe meeting is in an hour and I havent read the briefing that I may or may not have told Councilman Howser I read. ...May. Did. Stop hounding me!

ANNWhat are you gonna do?


LESLIEI need you to use your speed-reading skills to read this 98 page briefing and report back to me.

ANNOK...except that I dont know how to speed read.

LESLIEIve thought of that. Heres a book on speed-reading. You have thirty minutes to learn how to speed read and thirty minutes to read the briefing.

ANNLeslie-

LESLIEYoure right. Leave ten minutes to report back to me.

TOM and ANASTASIA enter.

TOMAnn! Imagine meeting you here!

ANNIn my office...

TOMAnastasia and I were just going to lunch.

ANN TALKING HEAD

ANNToms trying to make me jealous now that we broke up. Its actually kind of sweet.

INT. ANNS DESK - CONTINUOUS

ANASTASIAToms showing me around before my meeting with the City Council.

LESLIEMeeting?

ANASTASIACouncilwoman Knope?


LESLIECouncilwoman Leslie. Leslie.

ANASTASIAWhat an honor! I voted for you.

LESLIE(Trying to play it cool)

Thats probably just because youre smart. And beautiful. What do you teach?

ANASTASIAFreshmen English, poetry. Citizen journalism...

LESLIEOo.

ANASTASIABut what I really love is my after-school young womens leadership group.

TOMIs she cool, or what?

ANASTASIAWhat do you do, Ann?

TOMShes just a nurse.

LESLIE(to Anastasia)

Tell us more about you.

EXT. STRIP MALL - LATER

ANASTASIA and TOM in front of a boarded up building.

ANASTASIAOh no.

TOMOh, man. It mustve closed down.

ANASTASIAThats so sad. ...It kinda looks like it was a Payless?

JEAN-RALPHIO enters.


JEAN-RALPHIOO. My. G. Did they close down Veganinis?

JEAN-RALPHIO TALKING HEAD

JEAN-RALPHIO (CONTD)I got a 911 text from my boy T. H. Lawrence. The 9 means hes got a 9 hes tryna mack with. The 11 is code for pretend there was a vegan panini place inside the old Payless.

EXT. STRIP MALL - CONTINUOUS

ANASTASIADid you used to go here?

JEAN-RALPHIOGo here? I lived here. Meat is murder.

TOMI guess we have to go somewhere else.

JEAN-RALPHIOWhats the rush? You guys wanna throw a bucket of pink paint on some chicken nuggets?

TOMSorry, stranger who we dont know.

JEAN-RALPHIOOK, OK. Girl, let me just ask you one question. Was your father a miniature vacuum salesman named Richard? Because-

TOMBye!

INT. LESLIES OFFICE - D1

LESLIE is curled into a ball, facing the corner.

ANNLeslie, get up.

LESLIEIm meditating.

ANNMeditating doesnt involve crying. Or eating peanut butter out of the jar.


As Ann pulls the peanut butter away:

LESLIEIts high in protein!

ANNYouve been there almost an hour, the meetings about to start.

LESLIEI cant do it.

ANNYoure the most impressive person I know. You can do anything you put your mind to.

LESLIEBut I didnt put my mind to it! I was on the phone with Ben all night, shirking the responsibility the voters entrusted to me.

ANNCome on-

LESLIEShirking, Ann!

ANNMaybe it wont be that bad. Anastasia seemed nice.

LESLIE...She was nice.

ANNYeah.

LESLIEAnd pretty.

ANNI guess.

LESLIEAnd cool. She was really cool.

ANNI mean I didnt really get a good feel either way.


Leslie hands Ann an oversized bag of dark chocolate chips from out of her blazer.

LESLIE(marching off)

I can do this.

Ann looks around, drops a few of the chips into the jar of peanut butter, and tries a spoonful. Wow, thats good.


LESLIE(marching in)

I need you to be my bad cop.

RONWhat are you talking about?

LESLIEUsually at council meetings Im the good cop and Councilman Howser is the bad cop, but hes at a meeting in Indianapolis. I need a bad cop, Ron.

RONWill I be allowed to dole out my own swift brand of vigilante justice?

LESLIENo. But I can see about getting you a gavel. (Beat) I need you, Swan.

EXT. CITY HALL

ANASTASIA and TOM eating lunch as they walk back.

ANASTASIAI wouldnt mind the budget cuts, but its the students who always pay.

TOMWho cares about a bunch of dumb kids?

She laughs. Tom: OK, well go with that was a joke.

ANASTASIAExactly. Its like today. We had a special guest all lined up to work with the kids, and we had to cancel at the last minute. Now theyre just gonna be sitting in a conference room all day while were at the meeting.


TOMMaybe I can help.

ANASTASIAOh, youre sweet.

TOMWho was supposed to come?

ANASTASIAA spoken word poet.

Tom closes his eyes, shakes his head.

TOMNo.

ANASTASIAYeah, I figured-

TOMAll right, damn it. Ill do it.

ANASTASIAReally? Thats amazing. Do you know a lot about spoken word poetry?

TOMIsnt it just regular poetry you yell into a microphone?

ANASTASIAYou are too funny. Well here are the lesson plans he e-mailed over.

She spills coffee on the plans.

ANASTASIA (CONTD)Shoot!

TOMNot a problem.

INT. CITY HALL - D1

LESLIE sits with TWO COUNCILMEN. a GROUP OF TEACHERS faces them, shouting over one another.

LESLIEOrder! Order!

No response. She bangs on the gavel, and everyone is instantly quiet. This pleases her.


LESLIE (CONTD)I am Leslie Knope, the youngest Councilmember in Pawnee history to preside over a meeting of the City Council. Not that its important.

COUNCILMAN MILTON (Whispering to Leslie)

You have this under control?

LESLIEOf course.

COUNCILMAN MILTONGood, Ive got a golf game to get to.

(To the room)I would like to recuse myself. As the step-uncle of a former Pawnee High School student, I feel that my judgment could be unfairly biased.

COUNCILMAN DEXHART Id also like to recuse myself.

LESLIEWhat? On what grounds?

COUNCILMAN DEXHART...Finrook.

LESLIEThats not a word!

He runs away.

COUNCILMAN MILTONGood luck, Knope.

All the teachers start yelling over one another again.

COUNCILMAN MILTON (CONTD)Its gonna be a real TS.

Leslie nods her head, stunned.

LESLIEI know.

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

INT. RECREATION ROOM - D1

Tom stands in front of a group of high school kids.

ENTHUSIASTIC KIDMr. Justice, Mr. Justice!

TOMHuh?

ENTHUSIASTIC KIDArent you Poetic Justice? Our guest artist?

TOMPo- seriously?

KID #2Yeah, they said he was a black man. Arent you him?

Tom realizes they think hes black.

TOM...Yes?

ENTHUSIASTIC KIDDo a poem for us.

KID #2Yeah, Mr. Justice. Please?

TOMI dont think I should.

He leafs through the plans that Anastasia gave him, eventually finding a poem.

TOM (CONTD)Ah, why not?

Cheers from the kids.

TOM (CONTD)This is called...um, N-words Stand Up.

Tom begins reciting in a bombastic spoken word poetry style.


TOM (CONTD)We forgot what it was like! / Back in the day! / Martin Luther King, Thurgood Mar-shall! / Strong black brothas!

He flips to the next page, but its soaked through with coffee. He improvises:

TOM (CONTD)Malcolm X and...Danny Glover!

INT. CITY HALL - D1

The teachers are still yelling over one another.

ANASTASIA(to Leslie)

Maybe I can help.

She holds up bunny ears, a signal to quiet down.

ANASTASIA (CONTD)People. People.

Little by little the other teachers quiet down and make their own bunny ears.

TEACHER (LOUIS)(To a fellow teacher)

Shut up!

ANASTASIALouis.

TEACHER (LOUIS)Sorry, Ms. Jeffries.

ANASTASIAThats OK. Now, can we line up and address our concerns to Councilwoman Knope one at a time?

JUMP TO:

INT. CITY HALL - MOMENTS LATER

BIOLOGY TEACHERI have 74 students, and only 3 chairs.


LESLIEThats appalling. Well make sure there are enough chairs for every student.

RONActually-

LESLIE(quietly to Ron)

Its OK, Bad Cop. Let Good Cop handle this one. (Out loud) 71 chairs, you said? You got it.

BIOLOGY TEACHER...Well...thank you.

JUMP TO:


HISTORY TEACHEROur textbooks still refer to the Soviet Union.

LESLIEWe can get you new textbooks.

HISTORY TEACHERI wanted to know where we can get more of the old ones. Do you have any idea how much stuff has happened since 1970? Its a lot to keep track of.

JUMP TO:


MATH TEACHERIm the rapping math teacher. I bring algebra to life in a way that todays kids can relate to.

LESLIEIm sorry, did you have a question?

JUMP TO:



ENGLISH TEACHERMy students need books to read. Ive been giving them the labels off of beauty products in my bathroom.

JUMP TO:


MATH TEACHER When you find right angles you dont have to fear em, / Just apply Pythagorass Theorem.

JUMP TO:

INT. CITY HALL- MOMENTS LATER

HISTORY TEACHERWho the [bleep] is Al Jore? (Gore)

JUMP TO:

LESLIEYou need light bulbs?

JUMP TO:

ENGLISH TEACHEREverything is made out of sodium laureth sulfate!

JUMP TO:

The math teacher, beat-boxing, poorly.


Tom is finishing his poem, really getting into it now.

TOMOer the land of the WHY CANT WE BE FREE? / And the home of the Chipper Jones, 3rd Basemen for the Atlanta Braves!

The kids cheer.

INT. CITY HALL HALLWAY- D1

Leslie and Anastasia walk together, laughing.


LESLIECould that have gone any better?

ANASTASIAI know. I was worried before the meeting that I might have to start a strike.

LESLIE(laughing)

Youre kidding.

ANASTASIA(laughing)

Am I?

LESLIE(laughing)

Uh-oh! Watch out with this one! But you were kidding.

ANASTASIA(laughing)

Im gonna go see how Tom is doing with the kids.

Anastasia continues down the hallway as Leslie enters Anns office.

INT. ANNS OFFICE- D1

ANNIs the meeting over?

LESLIEWere on a break.

ANNHows it going?

LESLIEAmazing!

ANNThats great!


LESLIEAt first everyone was like We need textbooks! Whats global warming? But then Anastasia was like bunny ears! Address your concerns one at a time- shes so smart- and I got everyone what they wanted and they all love me.

ANNI knew youd be fine.

LESLIEI couldnt have done it without Anastasia. Shes so smart.

ANNYou mentioned that.

LESLIEDid you ever think about how her name is just like yours. Its like Ann, but prettier!

ANNI hadnt thought of it that way.

LESLIEI gotta go finish up in there. ...It looks like Im the real TS, after all.

ANNOh, you found out what that means?

LESLIENo.

As she exits, Chris walks up.

CHRISLeslie Knope! Ann Perkins!

ANNHey, Chris.

CHRISWhy is Tom Haverford in the rec room performing spoken word poetry about the cast of Martin?

ANNWhat?


CHRISI think I heard him say the N-word.

ANNReally?!

CHRISNot the actual word, just the phrase The N-word.

ANNOh.

CHRISStill, it was a little offensive. He had some very eye-opening things to say about Geena.

ANNOh, you know what? It must have something to do with that teacher.

CHRISAnastasia Jeffries!

ANNYou know her?

CHRISWhat a vivacious young woman.

ANNSo I keep hearing.

CHRISYoure not jealous of her and Tom, are you?

ANNWhat?! No! If anything Im jealous of her and Leslie.

CHRISBut youre not...

ANNNo!

CHRISOf course. Although you and Leslie would make an intelligent, highly competent couple.


Beat.

CHRIS (CONTD)Very generous-

ANNChris.

CHRISRight.


ANASTASIAHow are things going in here?

The kids cheer, great! amazing! etc.

ANASTASIA (CONTD)Wow. Alright, then. (To Tom) Im impressed. Looks like you have it under control. I gotta get back to the meeting.

She exits.

TOMNext lesson: dropping the mic.

INT. ANNS OFFICE - D1

Andy enters, bleeding profusely.

ANDYHey, Ann.

ANNOh my God, Andy. What happened to your hand?

ANDY(Laughing at himself- I was asking for this one)

Oh, I was I was eating a bagel.

Ann looks at him; narrows her eyes.

ANDY (CONTD)Anyway, I was wondering-

ANN(overlapping)

Yeah, of course.


ANDY...if youve seen that Anastasia lady. Everyones been talking about her, she sounds really smart. I figure she can help me out.

Beat. Ann turns with gauze and alcohol in her hands.

ANN(pissed)

Why dont you go ask Tom?

INT. CITY HALL - D1

Leslie and Anastasia are milling about before the council meeting gets back in session.

LESLIEYoure the best.

ANASTASIANo, youre the best! I mean it!

LESLIEAww...Ethel, let the record show that I am the best.

Leslie takes her seat.

ANASTASIA(to the other teachers)

Settle down. Settle down.

TEACHER (LOUIS)Im bored!

ANASTASIAWere almost done.

LESLIEWe just have a couple of last things to do here...Ethel, would you tell us what total discretionary spending is at, with the current modifications?

ETHEL$19,825.00

LESLIEWow. That really adds up. Remind me, please, Ethel, how much money was set aside for budget modifications?


ETHEL$215.00.

LESLIERecess.

ETHELYou cant call a recess, we just had one.

LESLIERon!

RONEthel, your perfume smells like a multicolored sunset of oranges and pinks.

ETHELHuh?

RONRun!

INT. CITY HALL HALLWAY- CONT.

Leslie runs out of the chambers right into Perd Hapley.

LESLIEPerd! What are you doing here?

PERDIm standing here, and now Im talking to you.

LESLIERight.

JOAN CALAMEZZOHi, Leslie.

LESLIEJoan.

JOAN CALAMEZZOYou feeling OK?

LESLIEGreat.

Joan embraces her.


LESLIE (CONTD)O-kay.

JOAN CALAMEZZO(arms around Leslie)

Is that lower back perspiration?

LESLIE(backing away)

No. No.

Leslie covers up her lower back as she runs away.


KIDWhats it like on the streets?

Tom thinks about it.

TOMStreets is the streets.

The kids ooh and ah. ANDY walks in.

ANDYTom! There you are.

TOMTom? ...No ones called me that in years. This is crazy, guys. ...This dude here is one of the best lyricists in the game- give it up for Mouse Rat.

The kids cheer as Tom pulls Andy into a hallway.

INT. HALLWAY- CONT.

ANDYThose guys know Mouse Rat?

TOMListen, man. Those kids think Im Poetic Justice, a renowned spoken word artist, and now they think youre my colleague, Mouse Rat.

ANDYCool. Just one question-

TOMA colleague is someone you work with.


ANDYI knew that. Like in college. Not like that.

TOMYou gotta come in there with me or Im gonna blow my cover.

ANDYBut Im not a good liar.

TOMIts easy. Anytime they ask you a question just smile, pause, and then repeat it back to them. Ask me a question.

ANDYOK. What is spoken word?

Tom smiles to himself, sagely.

TOMSpoken word is spoken word.

ANDYThat was really cool. (Beat.) Ok, Im in. (Holding up his bloody hand) Also, I think I need a band-aid.

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE

Leslie runs in and shuts the door behind herself.

ANNLeslie! I was looking for you.

LESLIENot now, Ann.

ANNI was reading the briefing-

LESLIEI just appropriated $20,000 too much for budget modifications. Now I have to wipe them all out, and the teachers are possibly seriously going to go on strike and Anastasia is never going to be friends with me.

ANNLeslie youre not listening to me!


LESLIEYoure right. If I dont tell Anastasia Im cutting the budgets back, she might still like me.

Leslie rushes away as Anastasia walks towards them.

Ann stops Anastasia:

ANNOh, hey! Anastasia, right?

ANASTASIAYeah.

Ann has a devious look in her eyes...


KID #2What are your feelings about metaphor?

TOM...A metaphor is a metaphor.

Kids nod.

KID #2Mouse Rat?

ANDY(sagely)

What is a metaphor? I dont even know what that is.

Kids ooh and ah.

SKEPTICAL KIDWhat are you guys, some kind of frauds?

ANDY...What are you guys some kind of frauds?

SKEPTICAL KID(holding his smart phone)

Mouse Rat isnt a spoken word artist. Its this guys lame band. And this guy works for the Parks Department.

ANDYMouse Rats not lame. Youre lame.


INT. CITY HALL HALLWAY- D1

Joan follows Leslie racing down the hallway.

JOANCare to make a comment before I break this story, Leslie?

LESLIEWhat story?

JOANOh, I think you know.

LESLIEYoure bluffing.

JOANThen how come Im not the one with sweat on my upper lip?

LESLIEStop noting my perspiration sites!

She hurries into City Council Chambers, Joan in pursuit.

INT. CITY HALL - D1

All the teachers are there, looking angry.

LESLIEAre you guys still here? Were pretty much done-

ANASTASIAAnn told me about you cutting the budgets back. Unless you change your mind and meet our demands, were going on strike.

ANNIts all right here in the briefing, Leslie. Which I know you read.

LESLIEDozens of times! (Whisper yelled) ET TU, Ann?

ANNI tried to tell you, but you wouldnt listen to me.

Teachers start chanting: Strike, strike, strike...


JOAN(to camera)

Rookie councilwoman causes school district shutdown. We ask the question on every Pawneeans mind: is Leslie Knope incompetent, or is this a part of her secret anti-education agenda? Could both be possible, and if so, isnt that the most likely explanation? Answers at 6.

END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

INT. RECREATION ROOM

The kids are all yelling at Tom and Andy.

TOMAlright, guys, its true. I do work for the Parks Department, My only experience with spoken word poetry is watching two episodes of Russel Simmons Def Poetry Jam in 2003. But I might know someone who can help.


DONNAWhy would you think I know how to write spoken word poetry?

ANDYBecause...youre....

TOMUrban.

ANDYYes. Urban.

DONNAI grew up in Danville.

ANDYNot that kind of urban.

DONNAI cant stand spoken word poetry. But Jerrys a beautiful poet.

TOMDid you just use the words Jerry and beautiful in the same sentence?

Beat.

TOM (CONTD)And that sentence wasnt, Hey, you know one word you would definitely never use to describe Jerry?

DONNAFine, dont listen to me then.


Over by the door, one of the poetry kids stares angrily at Tom and Andy. He has red eyes.

INT. CITY HALL - D1

LESLIEHow could you do this to me?

ANNI tried warning you-

LESLIEI was talking to Anastasia.

ANNOK, no. All day youve been ignoring me when I was trying to help you.

LESLIEIgnoring you?

ANNYes. Just because Im not as cool as Anastasia-

LESLIENot cool?

ANNYeah. I dont have dreadlocks, or wear eclectic jewelry, or run a young womens leadership group.

LESLIEAnn, youre cooler than Department of Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano and Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg combined.

ANNIm assuming you think thats cool.

LESLIEIf I ever, for one minute, made you feel like anything less than the coolest, greatest friend literally on the entire planet and probably the whole universe, I apologize.

ANNIts just- youve been so busy with Ben, and I get that- thats great.


(MORE)

But then to feel like I was getting bumped as your friend-

LESLIEOh, Ann, you fool. You sweet, beautiful, intelligent fool. I could never bump you.

ANNIm sorry I told Anastasia about you cutting the budgets. I didnt think shed actually go on strike.

LESLIEShes an English teacher, Ann. Thats one step removed from school librarian.


Jerry is finishing reciting a poem in front of the students.

JERRY(i do not know what it is about you that closes / and opens; only something in me understands / the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) / nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.

The kids burst into applause.

TOM(crying)

That was beautiful, Jerry.

JERRYPoetry isnt about how loud you yell or how cool you can sound. Its about looking at what you dont understand and trying to understand it.

ANDYI dont understand anything.

Andy- moment of camera awareness, proud.


LESLIERon.


ANN (CONT'D)

ANNWe need your help.

LESLIEWere in a showdown with a near-librarian.

RONWhat kinds of ammunition do you have?

LESLIEWhat? No- with Anastasia, from the council meeting.

RON(while writing)

Right. Of course, no weapons needed.

He holds up a note- Are we being bugged?

LESLIENo, Ron. I need your help or the school district is going to shut down.

RONYou know how I feel about organized, indoor education.

LESLIEFor me, Ron. You must have some idea what a TS is.

RONDo you remember your first day working here?

LESLIEOf course. I designed a new park, I helped a dear old woman-

RONYou shut down the city.

LESLIEI remember that now.

RONBecause you dont know how to say I dont know.

LESLIEI dont like where this is going.


RONYou have to call Councilman Howser and come clean.


Anastasia walks in to see Jerry working with the students.

ANASTASIAEverything still going well in here?

TOMYep!

ANASTASIAWhos that? Another spoken word artist?

TOM...No. Thats just Jerry. A fat guy who works in Parks. He isnt cool or sophisticated or hip. Hes just a sad old loser whos probably going to die soon-

JERRYHey.

TOMWho happens to know a lot about poetry.

ANASTASIAOh.

TOMSo if Im not cool enough to date you then thats fine.

ANASTASIAOh, Tom. Im sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. Im a lesbian.

TOMWhat?! Ew thats gross. I cant believe I had feelings for you.

ANASTASIAExcuse me. I dont think theres anything disgusting about my sexuality.


TOMWait, did you say lesbian? I thought you said librarian.


LESLIE(on the phone)

Councilman Howser? Hows the meeting in Indianapolis?

EXT. GOLF COURSE - D1

COUNCILMAN HOWSERFine, fine. Howd the teachers association meeting go?

LESLIEAmazing.

Ron and Ann shoot her a look.

LESLIE (CONTD)Actually, um, not amazing. I wanted to ask you. Whats a TS?

COUNCILMAN HOWSERWhats a TS? I thought you knew.

LESLIEI totally know. I was kidding.

Another look from Ron and Ann.

LESLIE (CONTD)...Actually, I dont. I was hoping you could tell me.

COUNCILMAN HOWSERTurd sandwich.

LESLIEOld loser.

COUNCILMAN HOWSER...No, Leslie. T.S. means turd sandwich.

LESLIEI shouldve realized that.


COUNCILMAN HOWSERWe only have $200 to reallocate, and the school has a $20,000 list of requests. Sometimes in City Council your job is just to do the best you can and then to take the beating.

LESLIEWhat if the teachers threaten to strike?

COUNCILMAN HOUSERA strike? In Pawnee? Didnt you read the briefing?

ANN TALKING HEAD

ANNDid I read that the teachers in Pawnee dont actually have the right to go on strike? Maybe I did. But do you think Leslie wouldve called Councilman Howser if she knew that? ...I guess Im the T.S., after all. Am I using that right?

INT. CITY HALL - D1

Leslie addresses the teachers.

LESLIELook, I know you dont have the right to strike, and I know youre upset. We should have more money for you, but we dont. Im going to fight for you, but its not a fight were going to win today. Im using the $200 we have on lightbulbs for the freshmen hallway and six chairs. So if you hate me, or you want to yell at me, then go ahead.

At once, all the teachers start spewing invective at Leslie.

Throughout it all she remains steadfast.

LESLIE TALKING HEAD

LESLIE (CONTD)(beaming)

Today I ate my first turd sandwich.

END OF ACT THREE


TAG


Ann, Donna, Tom, and Jean-Ralphio all hanging out in the office.

ANNYou guys have a secret code just in case you meet a girl like Anastasia?

TOMWe have a secret code for every type of girl.

ANNHow many types are there?

TOM(duh)

32.

DONNAWhats a code 27?

JEAN-RALPHIOIm a blind guy whose seeing eye dog just ran away. Tom helps me out.

ANNThats gross.

DONNA17.

JEAN-RALPHIOIm the son of Peter Mayhew, the man who played Chewbacca in Star Wars.

TOMIm his cultural attache.

ANNWhat kind of woman would even be attracted to that?

TOMTrust me, theyre out there.

JEAN-RALPHIOYou know em when you see em.


DONNAHow many times have these actually worked?

TOMNone.

JEAN-RALPHIOZero times.

Leslie walks in.

TOMOh, hey Leslie. We were all a little concerned.

LESLIEAbout what?

TOMYoure not going to...downsize Jerry Gergich, are you?

All Leslie can do is stand there as everyone starts laughing.

END OF SHOW


parks and rec spec

Documents

parks department office

leslies office

parks recleslie

councilman howserwhat

councilman howseryou

councilman howserready

councilman howserits

councilman howsergood