pentagon newsletter- 11 november 2015
TRANSCRIPT
7/24/2019 Pentagon Newsletter- 11 November 2015
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INSIDE
THIS ISSUE
I S THE MARTIAN
BASED ON A TRUE STORY ? — T HE SHOCKING REALITY BEHIND THE MOVIE !
W HAT ’S UP WITH SESAME STREET
ANYWAY ? — W E
INVESTIGATE !
H AVE FUN WITH JUNK MAIL! — H ERE ’S HOW !
I S T HERE A V OLCANO IN Y OUR F UTURE ? — W HAT THE V ULCANOLOGISTS HAVE TO SAY TO YOU PERSONALLY !
P LUS
DONALD T RUMP DISHES ON DONALD T RUMP
T HE T ROUBLE WITH GRAVITY
ALL THIS AND MORE !RIGHT HERE ! RIGHT NOW ! I N THIS
MONTH ’S EDITION OF DOWN THE DRAIN!
But seriously, folks,
If you’re looking for
fast, professional,
courteous service for
your plumbing needs
please give us a call.
Pentagon Plumbing’s
service technicians
are available 24
hours a day, seven
days a week, and
unlike some other
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extra charge for
those after hours and
weekend calls!
We do:
Repair &
ReplacementsWater Jetting
Insurance Work
Remodels
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Detection
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Cleaning
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Repiping
And so much
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Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937email: [email protected]
NV License #58722
Enjoy your pigeon!
Shortage of Ossified
Petroleum Jelly
threatens plumbers
livelihood
G A D Z O O K S ,
BAZOOKASTAN —
Plumbers in this smallembattled country in the
mountains of western
Crimea are reporting a
severe shortage of
Ossified Petroleum Jelly,
a product necessary for
stopping plumbing leaks,
repairing flat tires and for
garnishing their breakfast
sandwiches.
To stop plumbing leaks,
the plumbers report they
are using everything fromnylon stockings to
Bazooka bubble gum.
The plumbers also say
their breakfast sandwiches
just aren’t the same
without OJP, which
natives traditionally mix
with locally grown
bazooka berries.
A press release from
OJP, Inc. reports the
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Down the Drain recently
sent Pulletser Prize-
winning reporter Lance
Boyle to talk with Thomas
T. Turk, president of the
Society for the Prevention
of Eating Turkeys, about
his concerns for the futureof turkeydom in the
United States.
Boyle has previously
interviewed Howard the
Duck, the Great Seal of
the United States of
America and, most
recently, Foghorn Leghorn
for Down the Drain.
Accompanying him was
noted avian translator
Wendy Warbler.
Here is Boyle’s report.
We found Mr. Turk in his
secluded hideaway on the
high plains of Texas. (He
asked we not reveal its
exact location.)
He welcomed us without
any formal ado, though he
made it clear as he
escorted us into his rustic
den that he would answer
no questions of a personal
nature. He lit a largecigar and settled into what
shortage is being caused
by problems getting the
product into Bazookastan.
There is no actual market
shortage of their product,
the press release said.
In response to the
shortage, OJP reports they
are sending experiencednegotiators to the area to
talk with the local Russian
-backed militias to
facilitate product delivery
to Bazookastan.
C u b a d e m a n d s
turkeys from US
HAVANA — In a fiery
speech last week delivered
from atop a 1952
Plymouth Belvedere,
Raoul Castro declared that
if the United States doesnot send it enough turkeys
for his country’s citizens
“to celebrate a traditional
American Thanksgiving”
it will be necessary for
him “to reconsider the
entire structure of the
current re la tionship
b e t w e e n t h e t w o
countries.”
A spokesperson for the
State Department said the
United States had no
immediate response toCuba’s demand, but “will
take the matter under
advisement and give
careful consideration to
Cuba’s request.”
We interview the president of the Societyfor the Prevention of Eating Turkeys
was obviously his favorite
easy chair. It was well
worn and the cushions
had been shaped by long
use to fit his not
inconsiderable frame. The
interview commenced, and
his famous temper was soon on display.
Down the Drain: Thank
you for agreeing —
Tom Turk: You’re the
ugliest bald eagle I’ve
ever seen.
DD: I’m not a bald eagle,
sir. I’m —
TT: Don’t interrupt.
DD: I wasn’t interrupting,
sir. I was —
TT: And don’t argue. DD: Of course.
TT: So what do you want?
DD: I’ve read your
manifesto, Turkey Lives
Matter, and —
TT: Good. I think the title
explains it all. Next
question.
DD: In your manifesto,
you suggest people should
e a t p i g e o n s f o r
Thanksgiving instead of
Turkeys. Is that realistic?TT: Why not? Pigeons are
a plague upon the land.
There are millions and
millions and millions of
them just flying around
and walking around and
doing nothing of any
value. And they’re ugly.
Eat them, I say, and send
the leftovers to the hungry
children in China orwherever.
DD: But do you think the
American people can learn
to enjoy the taste of
pigeon after their long
tradition of eating Turkey
for Thanksgiving?
TT: I don’t care if they
enjoy the taste of pigeon
or not. Let them eat
peanut butter sandwiches( Continued on page 2)
Our Special Thanksgiving Edition!
November 2015 Volume 3 Issue 10 Whole Number 34 5¢
Call today toschedule an
appointment!
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D wn the Drain
Plumbing and Thanksgiving news from around the world
The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!)This coupon is valid only on future repairs and cannot beused on prior charges. This coupon cannot be combinedwith any other offers or discounts or promotions. Thiscoupon is not valid on calls for estimates or evaluations.This coupon has no cash value. This coupon must bepresented at time of service. And finally (whew) onlyone coupon per customer, please. This coupon expires11-30-2015. Pentagon Plumbing NV License #58722.
Yes, folks, we know the above photo looks suspiciously
like a turkey vulture, but when we asked Mr. Turk for a
photo to accompany our interview, he insisted we use this
image instead. “There are too many people out there whowant to assassinate and eat me,” he said. “I don’t plan to
make it easy for ‘em.”
(702) 876-5969
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A life in the
day of a
plumberBy CHIP CARPENTER
Ace Master Plumber
Last month: Chip finally
makes it inside the
embassy.
The double doors opened
into a mini-rotunda about
thirty feet in diameter. A
crescent-shaped ultra-
modern desk sat toward
the back of the room with
a computer monitor off to
one side. A telephone
console with more buttonsthan a Marc Jacobs dress
sat next to it. Some of the
button lights were flashing
red. Some were solid red.
A headset with an
attached microphone lay
next to the phone.
To the left and right of
the desk were single
doors. Behind the desk
was another set of heavy
double doors, mirroring
the entrance doors indesign.
Around the curved walls
were several white leather
easy chairs provided for
the less than really
important people who
didn’t rate immediately
being taken into the inner
sanctum of the embassy.
Mr. Moustache and
Spats, said, “Follow me,”
which I did. He took me
to the double doors behind
the desk, and with a
practiced motion opened
them both simultaneously.
“You are expected,” he
said. Then he closed the
doors silently behind me.
The room was very
bright. A crystal, multi-
tiered chandelier hung
from the ceiling in the
center of the room. There
were enough bulbs
burning in it that the
generators at Hoover Dammust go into overdrive
every time the thing is
switched.
I blinked a few times to
let me eyes adjust, and
then I looked around.
Oh, no, I said to myself
when I realized who all
was in the room.
To be continued...
Dear Perfessor,Would you please be
kind enough to explain
why Pluto is no longer
considered a planet? Pluto Fan,
Henderson, Nevada
Dear Pluto Fan,
What an astute and
interesting question, the
answer to which, as
always, is quite simple.
A 150 years ago or so,
astronomers noticed
anomalies in the orbits of
the ou te r p lane ts ,
especially Uranus and
Neptune. Those orbitalanomalies consisted of
asymmetr ic sp i ra ls ,
dislocated retrograde
motions and axial
wobblings, among other
things.
The only way the
astronomers could explain
those anomalies was to
create a virtual planet,
which for lack of
imagination, they called
Pluto. Now this virtual planet
was made entirely of
impossibly difficult
mathematical equations, a
f e w g r a m m a t i c a l
c o n j u n c t i o n s , a n
escalating table of
logarithms based on theSan Francisco trolley
schedule and the index of
l e a d i n g e c o n o m i c
indicators. Plus, this
virtual planet had to be
shaped like a potato.
It wasn’t until 1899 that
an astronomer and
mathematician named
B u z b e e B e r k l e y
succeeded in putting all of
these factors together into
a single coherent formula,
which formula was solong he had to write it on
the driveway of his house.
But thanks to his work,
the orbital anomalies of
the outer planets were
explained.
A few years later,
however, with tremendous
advances having been
m a d e i n o p t i c a l
telescopes, and much to
everyone’s surprise, a real
pl anet was ac tu al lydiscovered out there
orbiting beyond Neptune.
Naturally, it was named
Down the Drain, November 2015 Page 2
To the Editor:
You have made referencea couple of times in the
past to your sister
publication, The Clark
County Night Crawler.
I have been unable to
locate said publication
either in print or on the
web. Where can I find a
copy?
Darth Reader,
Las Vegas
Unfortunately, Darth, TheCrawler, as it is
affectionately known to its
staf f and army of
attorneys, is currentlyavailable only with a TOR
browser, a 256-bit
encrypted trapdoor key
and a secret handshake.
A TRO issued by a FISA
court in Washington, D.C.
prevents The Crawler
from being made legally
available to the public.
The Crawler regularly
dishes dirt about local
politicians, when and why
money changes handsamong the power brokers
of Las Vegas, the best
places to get a lap dance
in Vegas and other shocking facts that some
Very Important People in
Las Vegas would rather
not have revealed.
The Crawler’s legions of
lawyers estimate it will
cost 90 billion dollars and
take thirty or forty years
to resolve the issue,
though they are hopeful
that a change in
administration in 2017
might alter the situation inthe Crawler’s favor.
The eds.
instead for all I care.
Anything but turkeys.
DD: Are you concerned at
all about the economic
consequences of everyone
suddenly not eating turkey
for Thanksgiving?TT: No.
DD: But —
TT: How would you like it
if turkeys ate people for
Thanksgiving? Huh? How
would you like that?
DD: Well, I —
TT: Just as I thought. Next
question.
DD: If people continue to
e a t t u r k e y f o r
Thanksgiving, what then?
TT: Diets.DD: Diets? For people?
TT: Yes! And for turkeys,
too. If all the turkeys go
on a diet a few weeks
befo re Th anks giving ,
nobody will want to eat
them. Who wants to eat a
skinny turkey, right?
Maybe then people will
think about putting a
couple of fat pigeons on
th e i r Th a n k s g iv in g
platters instead.
DD: And you have a
personal stake in this
matter as well, don’t you?
TT: Of course! There are
too many people out there
who want to assassinate
and eat ME! I don’t plan
to make it easy for ‘em.Eating pigeons would go a
long way toward solving
that particular problem for
me.
DD: We understand you
recently sent a petition to
the White House asking
the president to not only
pardon the turkeys for the
F i r s t F a m i l y ’ s
Thanksgiving meal, but all
the turkeys in the country
as well. Is that true?TT: Absolutely! The
peti tion had several
h u n d r e d m i l l i o n
signatures, including
many from humans such
as yourself. Turkeys from
all over the world signed
it.
DD: Have you received a
response from the White
House?
TT: Not yet. I’ve been
told that a response is
being drafted and that a
Adventures, letters, advice and more!
The Birthday
Box
A special happy
birthday wishgoes out this
month from all
the crew at
Pentagon Plumbing
to
Any of our
faithful readers
who happen to
have a birthday in
November
Boo!
So go celebrate!Yaaaaaay!
Your opinion counts!
Letters to the Editor
Continued from page 1
We interview Tom Turk
Pluto. Some wanted to call
it Buzbee in honor of the
man who had found the
answers, but others
suggested that WaltDisney would never name
a dog Buzbee, so Pluto it
was.
Unfortunately, when
space exploration finally
reached a point where a
Kodak camera could be
sent aboard a spacecraft to
actually take pictures of
Pluto, it was discovered
that Pluto really was a
potato. A rather large one,
but a potato all the same.
Mu c h c o n t ro v e rs ye n s u e d u p o n th i s
discovery, but the people
who are in charge of these
things decided, alas, that
Pluto could not really be
called a planet after all.
In a gesture of goodwill
and compromise, instead
of just eliminating Pluto
en t i re ly f rom our
planetary system, it was
agreed to just downgrade
it to an extra-planetaryobject.
It was a sad day for Pluto
fans everywhere.
member of the president’s
staff will call me when it’s
ready.
DD: Are you hopeful?
TT: Cautiously so. I
understand revolutions
like this don’t happenovernight, but the
president has to be
mindful of the large
turkey constituency in this
c o u n t r y a n d t h e
implications for himself
and his party if he fails to
act in a reasonable and
responsible manner.
If he doesn’t, it’s entirely
possible that millions of
turkeys will flee the
jurisdiction of the UnitedStates and seek refugee
status in other countries. I
have, in fact, already
spoken to Raoul Castro
about this matter. Next
question.
DD: Well, how do you
plan to spend your
Thanksgiving?
TT: None of your
business. Are we done
here?
DD: Yes, sir. Thank you
for your time. ♥
Answering your most challenging questions!
Ask the Perfessor!
Wanted to BuyFrogger game on
5 1/4” or 3 1/2” diskette
for Microsoft 386, 486,Windows 3.11 or
Windows 95 operatingsystem
Respond to Alice Hashtag c/o of
this publication
For saleFrogger game on
5 1/4” or 3 1/2” diskette
for Microsoft 386, 486,Windows 3.11 or
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at this publication
Investigation into Down the Drain
offices vandalismcontinues
By Marlow Archer
Crime Beat Reporter
A source deep inside the
special task force
investigating the break-in
and vandalism of Down
the Drain’s offices has
confirmed that the task
force is currently looking
at two Secret Service
agents who were looking
for a quiet and deserted
place to take their
obligatory after dinner
nap, when a fellow agent
told they stumbled upon
Down the Drain’s offices.
Enraged because the
door was locked and
further enraged when they
finally broke in anddiscovered there were no
comfortable places to nap,
the agents vandalized the
offices in an attempt to
cover the breaking and
entering.
The source cautioned,
however, that tips were
still coming in on the task
force’s hot line and that
other leads were still
b e i n g a c t i v e l y
investigated.
For saleFrogger game on
5 1/4” or 3 1/2” diskette
for Microsoft 386, 486,Windows 3.11 or
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Respond toVera Wang shoebox 12
at this publication
Whiffletreeannounces rally
N ev a d a s en a t o r i a l
c a n d i d a t e S k o o f
Whiffletree will hold a
campaign rally at his
ranch next Saturday, 10
November.
No invitation is required,
and “wimmin and children
are welcome,” Whiffletree
said.
Whiffletree said he plansto speak briefly on The
Great Issues Confronting
the Great State of Nevada
Today.
For directions and more
i n f o r m a t i o n , v i s i t
www.skoofwhiffletreeson
ehundredpercentallameric
anredwhiteandluewebsite.
org.
The rally will begin
promptly at one o'clock in
the afternoon.
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Fax: (702) 876-0937
email: [email protected]
Down the Drain, November 2015 Page 3
The Really Important Stuff !
Down the DrainIs published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.
Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted
Deputy Editor-in-chief Reginald Phipps’ mum Copy Editor Carmel “Comma” Sutra
Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere
Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps
Fact Checker Al Gore
Assistant Fact Checker Brian Williams Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities
Business Reporter Yale Princeton Construction and Building Correspondent Roger “Red” Tag
Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer
Environmental Correspondent Washoe Evergreen
Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia ImpastoFood Critic Candy Pye
Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace (current whereabouts still unknown)
History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus
International Affairs Correspondent Mac “The Knife” Machiavelli
Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply
Assistant Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply, Jr. Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke
Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd
Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme
National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly National Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart
Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse Noel Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.
Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna
Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye
Dog Whisperer Toto Baskerville
Fashion Advisor The Gaga
Relationship Advisor Taylor Swift Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho Marx
In-House Therapist Lady Heather
Computer Services and Expertise by provided by The Gigglebits Computer Gals
Photo Editing provided by The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and Elwood’s All-Purpose Glue
Rehabilitation Services provided by The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of Wickenburg, Arizona
Leftovers, munchies and midnight snacks provided by Mom’s 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium
Jewelry by Jodie Makeup by Gor-Don
Hair by Mr. Clean
Mani-pedis by The Cat’s Meow Veterinary Clinic
Bunny Slippers provided by Bunny Slippers for All (At Fashionable Malls Everywhere!)
Artwork provided by My Sister’s Refrigerator: A Unique Boutique for the Elite
Musical Soundtrack byCyndi Lauper
Emilie Autumn
The Pretty Reckless
Hole
Strawberry Switchblade
Alison Sudol
and
Olivia d’Abo
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