101 foster caringtips and advice

Introduction

Acknowledgement

Perpetual Fostering prides itself on being a supportive agency. We are always there to provide professional assistance and guidance whenever it is required.

Sometimes, however, the best advice available comes from those who have travelled the same road you are going down.

We asked some of our experienced foster carers to talk through some of their experiences and offer their best tips and advice to anyone new to fostering.

They were able to share their thoughts on a range of topics any foster carer is likely to come across. Our Fostering Services Manager, Joanne, has also added her professional viewpoint on each area.

We hope you find the following tips and advice helpful.

Perpetual Fostering would like to extend our thanks to the dedicated foster carers who took time out of their busy lives to pass on their knowledge and experiences to those who are new to the role or considering fostering for the first time.

A big heart felt thank you goes out to Elaine G, Cathie, Elaine P, Alison and Cathryn.

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Preparing fora placement

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Joanne says: “Talk to your supervising social worker, find out as much as possible - there won’t be any questions you ask they will not have heard before!

She adds: “Enjoy the experience, it will provide you with a truly memorable occasion in your life.”

“We had our kids and grandkids come over and that really helped. He followed their behaviour and learned to stop asking if it was alright to do things.”

Cathie

What we say“It can be a little nerve-wracking as you don’t know how they are going to react when they arrive. We were quite lucky as one of my grown-up sons was here. Having an older child there that they can talk to can really help them feel comfortable quicker.”

Elaine G

“We were told it was alright for our first placement to contact his mother and allowing him to do this, after the social worker had left, help him settle in. It’s not always the case they are allowed to, but if they can it helps as they then know they have not been forgotten about.”

Elaine G

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“Try to be normal. It can be scary for a child coming into your home for the first time, especially if they have had a turbulent time beforehand, so you’ll want to provide some normality.”

Alison

“We met our foster child a few times before he moved in and learnt his likes and dislikes. We knew he liked trampolining and had said we would get one. When he first arrived he was obviously nervous and following his social worker around so I suggest we go out on a trip together and buy one straight away. When we came back he helped my husband put it together and they had lots of fun doing it. Doing that together give him a real boost and helped him settle in straight away.”

Cathie

“I try and get them to feel at home as quickly as possible and not like a guest - let them go into the cupboards if they need something, just as the other kids do.”

Cathryn

“Get as much information as possible about likes and dislikes - what they like to be called, for example, as some children don’t like to have their name shortened.”

Cathryn

“Don’t have expectations. Every child is different and you’ll need to improvise, so just be open minded.”

Alison

“I don’t draw up too many rules for them as I don’t want them to feel like they have entered an institution. I’d rather they feel at home because it can be very daunting for them to come into a stranger’s house. My foster daughter couldn’t look us in the face when she first arrived. She laughs about it now but it was hard for her at first and we just wanted her to feel comfortable as quickly as possible.”

Cathryn

“Having a few practical things helps, like a few tee-shirts or pyjamas or a toothbrush as they can turn up with very little with them.”

Elaine G

Building trust

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Joanne says: “Don’t expect too much - from yourself, from the child or young person, or from your own family. Trust takes time to build and with time comes the reward!

Your supervising social worker and your agency will be with you every step of the way.”

“It takes time. Don’t try to get them to open up, as they can clam up quickly. But if they want to talk, make sure you listen.”

Elaine G

What we say“It is really important to build up a level of trust as there will be situations which are difficult to deal with and if they trust you they will respond to you when you need them to.”

Elaine P

“They will not communicate with you if they don’t trust you. So you’ve got to give it time and just be there to listen day and night when they do want to talk.”

Cathryn

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“We had one young boy who was emotionless at first but the more comfortable he became the more he opened up, and the more emotional he became. He began to start asking questions about family and talking about that help us build up a bond.”

Cathryn

“If they are angry with their parents, listen but don’t pass judgement yourself. They can be very defensive and protective when it comes to their parents, so it would be a mistake to openly criticise them.”

Elaine G

“It helps if they like spending time with you. We knew our boy was a fan of tractors, buses and other types of vehicles so we spent time going on train rides with him and go around bus stations. We would also take of photographs of vehicles, such ambulances, and turn the pictures into a slideshow, providing him with happy memories which he shared with us.”

Elaine P

“If they have had a hard time you may want to treat them to presents but that can be seen as trying to buy trust in their eyes. You need to be careful how you do this.”

Elaine G

“Be there to help sort out any problems they might have. If their eyes are hurting when they play computer games, it might be they need a trip to the opticians. If you can solve these problems, they will be more willing to come to you when anything else crops up.”

Alison

“They need to see you are prepared to put yourself out for them. They might not be thankful at first - they may not be very good at expressing their gratitude - but that changes over time.”

Elaine G

Eating healthily

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Joanne says: “Include the child or young person in the preparation of the meal and encourage their suggestions for planning meals. Make food fun.”

“You just need to start where they are, and then work upwards. You can’t force them to eat something just because it’s healthy. It won’t work.”

Alison

What we say“You find that children who come into care tend to binge eat and you have to monitor that. My own children are the same with sweets but it seems a little bit more so when a child has been in care.”

Cathryn

“We were looking after a three year old who was waking up every two hours wanting milk when he first came to us. It was quite strange. I didn’t change this at once but I did start to water down the milk and overtime all I was giving him was water – and he stopped waking up for that.”

Cathie

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“You need to introduce healthier food gradually. You have to be empathetic at first and give them some of the food they are used to. When everything is such a massive change for them, to drastically change what they are used to eating can be too much to cope with.”

Cathryn

“Our placement was very hyper when he first arrived - he kept running around, bumping into things. We discovered that he had had easy access to sweets - and all those E numbers were not helping this. So we took the time to explain the consequences of eating sweets and offered an alternative in fruit - luckily he liked strawberries.”

Elaine P

“It depends on the child. You need to be aware of different tastes, every child will like different food.”

Alison

“Often they have come from a poor background and have not had a massive choice of food - so if you give them options, they will try different things that might be healthier.”

Cathryn

“It helps to be creative and take an imaginative approach. If they don’t like a particular kind of food – beetroot, for example – you maybe could bake a beetroot cake as sometimes they are more responsive to something a bit more interesting.”

Alison

“Kids will be kids at the end of the day - they want what’s not good for them. But by being creative you can get them eating veg. If you add carrots to the spag bol, they hardly notice.”

Elaine G

“You don’t want them to feel that choosing the healthy option is in any way a punishment. We started to offer fruit as a reward and it has worked. Our boy has started to choose the wholesome option over sweets.”

Elaine P

“I always leave fruit out and available so they can grab them whenever they want a snack and keep the crisp hidden away out of reach. So it’s just easier for them to have some fruit.”

Elaine G

Education

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Joanne says: “Ask our virtual head for guidance on how to best support the child or young person placed with you. You can contact her via e-mail or attend a drop in session. You can always learn with the child or young person - there are still things my children teach me.”

“If you are having problems, talk to the school. I’ve found that schools are very responsive to suggestions on how to manage behaviour.”

Elaine P

What we say“We ensure that they appreciate there would be consequences if they messed around at school. We had a teenager who was really well behaved at home but was misbehaving at school. We made sure we developed a really good relationship with his teachers so we would hear about it when he didn’t behave.”

Cathie

“If they have been difficult in school before, they will struggle to get the benefit of the doubt – they are always the chief suspect when things happen. But you have got to be on their side no matter what. They need to know they can trust and rely on you.”

Elaine G

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“First and foremost, you have to be their advocate. We had a boy who, because of his situation in the past, had a stigma attached to him. He was being monitored closely and felt like he was under a microscope – it was actually making it difficult for him to socialise with other children. You have to stand up for them in those situations because things are not going to get any better.”

Cathryn

“To ensure they’re getting the best education possible you have to be their advocate. That means listening to them and speaking up on their behalf. You can’t just say, ‘it’s not my child so I’m not going to try as hard’. You have to be prepared to challenge decisions which you don’t feel are in their best interest. For example, if your child is being disruptive in classrooms and the school wants to exclude them, you may have to fight to keep them in school, if you think it is the right thing.”

Elaine P

“I had a situation where one child was secluded for missing a detention but they had a note to be out of school to see a physiotherapist. That was unfair and if it was my child I would protest, so that’s what I did. You have to act as if it was your own child.”

Elaine G

“If they are secluded from school, you have to make them feel like they would be better off in school. They need to realise there are consequences and they still need to do the work that they are missing out on. You can’t let them just sit on the PlayStation all day.”

Elaine P

“It is important to build relationships with key individuals at the school and work with them confidentially. Not every teacher may know about your child’s situation but if they do become difficult in school it is good to have someone who will help you handle that. For me, that is the head of year.”

Elaine G

“We had a situation where our boy was asking questions about family life and questioning his life so far. Although he was well behaved at home, there was anger there and he was snapping at school. His teachers did not know his situation and I needed to speak to the school to help manage this situation.”

Cathryn

“Having a reward system in place is a great way to encourage them to do the work they need to. It may be if they do an hour of reading they get a treat and if they carry that on for a week then they earn a trip to their favourite café or restaurant.”

Alison

Encouraging Interests and Hobbies

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Joanne says: “Join in - it’s fun and will keep you fit but most importantly it will give you a lot to talk about. Make good use of local community based sports activities. They are good for keeping fit and making new friends.”

What we say“Young people are active people and idle hands get into trouble, so we encourage sports and hobbies. We have lots of fields here – one of my grown up children used to do motocross, and one of our boys showed an interest in it. To let him do it required a risk assessment but it was well worth it as it makes him happy and keeps him busy - when he’s not riding his bike, he’s fixing it.”

Elaine G

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“You can’t force them to do things, you just have to give them choices and let them decide what they would like to do.”

Cathryn

“Encourage them to try lots of things and find their own way. It could be that they like swimming, bikes or horse riding – it really depends on the child. You need to tailor your activities to the individual.”

Alison

“We had a teenager who joined a wrestling club. It gave him plenty of exercise, helped him socialise and also taught him discipline! We found that he would always listen to the instructor and didn’t mess around - like he often did at school. He also got lots of praise when he did well and he loved it.”

Cathie

“Sports are great as they encourage them to be sociable. One boy had an interest in football so we signed him up with the local football team. It has been brilliant because it has enabled him to build up a whole new circle of friends.”

Elaine G

“We absolutely try to encourage hobbies and interests but every child is different and you don’t know what they will go for. At first we tried football and cricket as they would be good for socialising, but we knew he liked drawing so we nurtured that as well.”

Cathryn

Developingboundaries

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Joanne says: “Be fair but firm. If any child or young person feels that there is an injustice then they will stand their ground. Just remember, there is always two sides to every story.

“If you need advice on a situation, you can always talk to your supervising social worker - who will have no doubt encountered similar situations before.”

What we say“Everyone has to have boundaries. We can’t just get up in the morning and decide to drive on the right hand side of the road today – if we did there would be consequences. It is the same thing with your foster children. If they don’t do their school work they need to know there will be consequences.”

Elaine P

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“You have to have consistency. You can’t say there will be consequences and then give in just because they become difficult. You’ve got to stick to it as it is in the best interest of everyone, especially the child in the long term.”

Elaine P

“You have to be clear and firm. We put up house rules on the bedroom walls before they moved in and if they break the rules they get told off. For example, there is a no smoking rule and when one crossed that line by smoking in his bedroom we let him know.”

Elaine G

“I tell them that every action has a reaction. If they do behave well then good things can happen, but if they behave badly then they can lose their privileges, like watching television or playing on the Xbox.”

Elaine G

“They will try to push the boundaries so you need to know where they are. I just think, ‘what would I do if it was my own child?’”

Cathryn

“They actually like to know you have boundaries - it shows you care.”

Cathie

Personaldevelopment

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Joanne says: “Remember to attend the training arranged by the agency. Not only will you enhance your skill set but you will learn from the experiences of other foster carers.”

“I wouldn’t try to get them to speak unless they are ready – you can’t force them to if they are not ready. That comes with time.”

Cathryn

What we say“Be flexible. Your goal may be to get a child from A to B and you’ll have a plan to get them there but for whatever reason you can hit a brick wall. You may not know why, you may never find out why, but in order to progress you might just need to find a different route.”

Alison

“You have to have lots of empathy and it involves lots of chatting. I try and relate to their situation as much as possible and share my own similar experiences – let them know there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

Cathryn

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“You’ve got to have a bit of patience and be creative to find the route that works. You can push certain buttons which will work with some young people but with others they won’t.”

Alison

“Sometimes being persistent works. We had a young lad who wanted to go to sleep every night with the television on. We tried to substitute this with a night-light instead. It took time to change but we stuck with it and it eventually worked.”

Cathie

“If they have a history of kicking off to get attention then you can pre-empt that by giving that attention when they do something well. That could be for something as simple as brushing their teeth - you just have to give a few words of praise.”

Elaine P

“We just encourage them to do the simple things, like socialising more rather than staying in to play on the Xbox. They may have been taken away from their area and put into a new school so it is important for them to interact with others. They will also have to behave in the same way when they go into the wider world.”

Elaine G

“I look to be as positive as possible at all times because they have already had a lot of negativity in their lives. They pick up on the way you behave and it really helps them to be more positive themselves.”

Cathryn

“If they do tell you something significant, you have to take a decision on what you do with that. If it is something you are concerned about and you sit on it when they could benefit from the help of a professional, you will not be helping. You need to write it down and let the agency team know as they have a wealth of experience and knowledge that could help.”

Cathryn

Dealing withdifficult situations

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Joanne says: “Never think you are on your own. You can ask for support from the agencies emotional health lead and talk to your supervising social worker. They can provide you guidance and advise and help you to get the best support for the child or young person.”

“If they are being difficult, don’t start thinking months ahead and believe this is how it is always going to be like. Just take each situation as it comes.”

Elaine P

What we say“There have been times with my foster children when something has triggered a situation and I have thought, ‘Oh my God, what is this?’ But you just have to stay calm and be empathic. Fortunately in five years of being a foster carer I’ve not had too many of these situations to deal with.”

Cathryn

“If a child is being challenging, you need to understand why they are behaving like that. So you need to listen to them. It may be that they just need reassurance. In one situation I dealt with, it turned out they were upset because they thought they would sent away, again. I had to give them a heartfelt reassurance that this was not going to happen.”

Elaine P

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“If you are thinking foster caring is about sitting and home and getting paid then forget it. You have to be 100% committed to changing that child’s life. However, the sense of reward you get back when you overcome the bumps is priceless. When you see your girl happy and bubbly and looking forward to going to school… you can’t buy that feeling. I have never had a sense of job satisfaction that comes anywhere close to it.”

Elaine P

“You do get training which helps you deal with these situations. But it can still be quite shocking when they get worked up and you have to be prepared for that.”

Elaine G

“You need to be resilient. You may need to deal with lack of sleep – if the child can’t sleep because they have a toothache for example. You need to able to cope with these things.”

Alison

“Sometimes the best thing to do is let them blow off that steam. We hung a punch bag in the garage for one of the teenagers to punch when he gets angry and he does actually use it. Another will go off for a bike ride until he calms down.”

Elaine G

“You need to know when to stand back. If you keep going on at them it is not going to help and it can make situations worse.”

Elaine G

“If you are dealing with teenagers, there is no point raising your voice as they are old enough to understand. It is better to stay calm and explain things rationally.”

Cathie

“We had a situation when our young teenager wouldn’t come in off the street. He was monkeying around with his friends and when we went out to him, he ran off. We didn’t go chasing after him, as that’s what he wanted. He eventually came in and when he did we calmly explained why he was wrong to do that. Because he respected us, he got a bit upset about the situation - but he apologised and didn’t do it again.”

Cathie

“If they behave badly and they are wrong, they need to know that there will be consequences. It might be they have to stay in or they are not allowed to have their phone for the evening. I try not to be harsh – but I do try to be firm and fair.”

Cathryn

“It’s always better to talk things through with someone else rather than just worry on your own. I like to call up the agency and ask them what they think – sometimes getting a different perspective can give you some good ideas and be reassuring.”

Alison

Paperwork

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Joanne says: “Your paperwork is never a pointless exercise. It can be used for so many things, from planning for the child to helping to contribute to the agencies development.”

Joanne adds: “If you do your paper work daily, it will help you to reflect upon your day.”

“It’s really helpful if you stay on top of your reports as it is much easier to do when things are fresh in your mind.”

Elaine G

What we say“Time can be limited but you want to set aside time once a week otherwise you will be left wracking your brain about what happened weeks before - and that can be hard to do.”

Alison

“It can be really helpful as you can spot patterns of behaviour, and if something significant happens more than once you can look back and see what could have triggered that behaviour.”

Cathryn

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“It’s a good idea to make a quick note each night which will trip your memory when you sit down to do it.”

Alison

“I have a regular time just after tea when the washing up is done. I write it up and then I know everything is done for the day and I can put my feet up.”

Elaine G

“I used to write loads but now I use bullet points and headers which makes it easier to look back through your notes when you need to.”

Elaine P

“Make sure you put things down, even if they don’t seem that significant. If they complain about being ill, you can look back and tell the doctor when they first started those symptoms. It also covers yourself. If anything happens, or an accusation is made, you then have a record of exactly what happened to build up to that.”

Elaine G

“It can be a bit of a pain in the backside but if you think of it like a diary that the kids can look back on then it’s not so bad.”

Elaine P

“I don’t see it as a chore as it’s really great to look back on. It helps you remember what has gone before and see how things have changed. I tell my own kids that I wished I had done the same for them.”

Cathryn

“With the young children it can feel like a bit of a chore to fill in the weekly report as not that much changes and you do feel like you are repeating yourself. But I do love looking back at them and seeing their achievements – when they got a certificate for this or that.”

Cathie

Don’t forgot about your own needs

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Joanne says: “Taking time out helps you to come back stronger, having a coffee and giggle with friends can be so refreshing.”

She adds: “Asking for support while you have some time to yourself is not a weakness, it’s a strength.”

“Fostering is a joy but it will only remain enjoyable if you are not overwhelmed. You have to take time out for yourself every so often.”

Cathie

“If you are happy it benefits the children. If you are not under strain then you will deal with situations in a calmer way which is better for everyone.”

Elaine G

What we say“You have to think about yourself and try and have a bit of ‘me time’. That might just be going for a walk, taking a bubble bath or meeting friends for a coffee but it is all important. You need to let off steam from time to time.”

Elaine G

“You need to recognise when you need help and don’t be afraid to ask for it. Take advantage of the support available - from your family, your husband, children and your agency. Thankfully, I’ve not had to ask for it too often but it’s good to know it’s there when I do need it.”

Cathryn

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About PerpetualFosteringPerpetual Fostering supports carers who are passionate about improving the lives of children and young people in care.

We have a highly experienced team of health and social care professionals who are dedicated to the promotion of fostering excellence. Our team offers constant support and training to foster carers who are dedicated and looking to make a real difference.

It is not just our staff who help our foster carers, however. Perpetual Fostering nurtures a keen community ethos and we are proud that our foster carers also support each other.

An independent fostering agency, Perpetual Fostering is part of the Perpetual Care Group, which has been working with local authorities to develop tailor-made care packages since 1996.

Perpetual Fostering 31 Chorley New RoadBoltonBL1 4QR

t: 0845 074 0076e: info@perpetualcare.co.uk

www.perpetualfostering.co.uk