From: Spin - detected

“We should pronounce at the end of this conference: What is our plan about the plan? The national plan?”

Jacob Zuma

To: What they mean

Maybe if I say the word ‘plan’ often enough people will forget that I never had one. I have �ve more years left before unemployment – or prison. I need a legacy. Fast.

Jacob Zuma

From: Spin - detected

“If the ANC is attacked by an alliance partner the impact of that attack is heavier on the movement than all the opposition parties put together.”

Gwede Mantashe

To: What they mean

Screw you Cosatu. Why does everyone like you guys more than the SACP? We’re the vanguard of the left, damnit! The workers were never meant to get this popular.

Gwede Mantashe

From: Spin - detected

“I did it for democracy.”

Tokyo Sexwale

To: What they mean

Well actually, I did it for the presidency. Again. I’m all out of ideas.

Tokyo Sexwale

From: Spin - detected

“I can’t count the money.”

Tokyo Sexwale

To: What they mean

Yeah. I make it, bitch. Find someone else to be your treasurer general. SMH.

Tokyo Sexwale

From: Spin - detected

“I spoke this year at the Mail & Guardian’s 200 Young South Africans event and took a decision as a matter of principle. It is time for young people to come through the system. I want to try to mentor. I feel there’s a duty to do that now.”

Trevor Manuel

To: What they mean

I got praised for this ANC gig in 1994 but now it’s just getting embarrassing. I’m getting too old for this shit.

Trevor Manuel

From: Spin - detected

“We should not allow the situation where those who have money turn ANC members into commodities.”

Jacob Zuma

To: What they mean

Stop wasting money, idiots! I need a couple more soccer �elds on the compound in Nkandla.

Jacob Zuma

From: Spin - detected

“ ... ”

Kgalema Motlanthe

To: What they mean

...

Kgalema Motlanthe

From: Spin - detected

"I am con�dent that I was going to win if I accepted. I interacted with ANC members in all provinces and they showed their support for me.”

Ace Magashule

To: What they mean

I may lead the most embarrassing province in the ANC, but now I’m taking the party to court … and I’m still going to get respect for being awesome. That’s how narcissism works, idiots.

Ace Magashule

From: Spin - detected

“If Cosatu was to agree to stop its stance of critical support to the ANC, Cosatu will die �rst followed by the ANC and then democracy.”

Zwelinzima Vavi

To: What they mean

Me, keep quiet? Nice one, Gwede. Pull the other one, and take off those red socks while you’re at it. You’re an embarrassment to the left.

Zwelinzima Vavi

From: Spin - detected

"The storm is not a laughing matter."

Jackson Mthembu

To: What they mean

Okay yes, we told you this was a serious brie�ng and now it’s about the weather … but have you seen that tent? It’s �imsier than our cabinet minister performance agreements. I’m not responding to any storms in an Irish coffee cup.

Jackson Mthembu