Positive Discipline Techniques

Sheri Frost & Jennifer WolfromOctober 5, 2011

Words for Thought

Think back to your own childhood and how you were disciplined. What does discipline mean to you personally?

Am I disciplining in a way that: helps my child’s self-esteem? helps my child develop self-control?

What is Positive Discipline?

Positive discipline means helping a child develop self-control and a sense of limits, experience the consequences of his/her behavior, and learn from his/her mistakes.

It is not punishment or conflict between parent and child. It does not harm your child’s self-esteem.

Benefits of Positive Discipline

• Increases a child’s self-esteem

• Allows him/her to feel valued

• Encourages him/her to feel cooperative

• Enables him/her to gradually learn to take some responsibility for what happens to him/her

• Helps him/her to take initiative and problem-solve

Goals of Positive Discipline• The goal of positive discipline is not to punish

but to teach your child to take responsibility for his/her actions and exercise self-control of his/her behavior.

• All children misbehave at some time – this is the opportunity for them to find out what appropriate behavior is and where the limits are.

Imagine the teenager or adult that never learns self-control, responsibility or limit setting as a child.

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

1. Say “Yes” If Possible

• Everyone gets tired of saying and hearing “no” all the time

• Too many “no’s” makes the child lose hope of ever getting a “yes”

• Find a way to say “yes”

• Prevent that power struggle

Example:

Child: Can I play computer?

Parent: Yes, as soon as you finish your homework.

Power of Acknowledging Positive Behavior

• Communicates how you would like him/her to behave

• Increases the likelihood that the positive behavior will continue

• Helps the child feel good about him/herself

TIP: Be specific when giving praise about the behavior you are acknowledging.

2. Catch the Child Being “Good”

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

The Power of Ignoring

• Often a child’s misbehavior is an attempt to gain attention or control; any reaction reinforces that misbehavior

• Ignoring works well for whining, complaining or otherwise annoying behavior

• Do NOT ignore more serious behaviors such as physical or emotional harm to self or others.

3. Selectively Ignore Misbehavior

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

4. Apply Consequences When Necessary

• Relate consequence directly to child’s behavior

• Enforce rules consistently

Example:

Behavior: Your child tantrums when playing a game.

Consequence: S/he cannot play that game for a week.

Inconsistency teaches a child that s/he can sometimes misbehave without consequences. If

you were a child, wouldn’t you play the odds?

Natural & Logical Consequences

• Natural Consequences = consequences that are a direct result of the child’s actions: Refuses to eat what you cook goes hungry Stays up late late to school and tired Leaves toys outside toys get ruined or stolen

• Logical Consequences = planned responses that occur as the result of a child’s action when the natural consequence is harmful Refuses to brush teeth no candy Runs into the street no play time outside

Making Consequences Meaningful

Basic Principle: the behavior is disliked,

NOT the child

• Be Clear, Firm and Specific about what you mean

• Be respectful; don’t name-call or yell

• The consequence should follow the behavior immediately

• The consequence should be fair in relation to the behavior (natural or logical consequences)

• Take time away to allow everyone to cool down

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

5. Share your reasoning with your child

Too little explanation

Too much explanation

“Mom, can I have a popsicle?”

“We are going to eat dinner in 20 minutes. You can have a popsicle for dessert.”

Example:

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

6. Pick Your Battles

• Some issues just aren’t worth the hassle; prioritize what’s important

• Consider redirecting the child’s attention

• Find the balance between you “winning” and the child “winning” – negotiate a solution that works for both

• Plan ahead

• Follow through and be consistent

Examples:

Don’t ask your child if she wants to go to the Doctor; ask what snack or toy s/he wants to take along.

Set the rules for going to a store ahead of time; e.g., s/he can pick one favorite snack but no toys.

Discipline and Frustration Tolerance

Kids want what they want when they want it!

All children start life at a low frustration tolerance.

Frustration Tolerance

Low High

Toleration

Age

Infant

Adult

Successful parents and children develop a high frustration tolerance.

Learning Frustration Tolerance(Dr. Thomas Phelan)

• Learning frustration tolerance requires that children internalize 3 important lessons:

Not getting what you want is a regular occurrence in life

Being frustrated is not the end of the world; the feeling passes

Getting better and better at waiting and managing disappointment pays off

Strategies to Prevent Misbehavior

• Develop of a Warm, Supportive Relationship Maintain open communication; spend time with

your child; accept your child for who s/he is; support his/her interests

• Provide Opportunities to Make Choice Look for ways to say “yes” instead of “no”; let them

make choices and help them understand later the consequences of their choices

• Establish Rules and Consequences Make sure rules are necessary and age-

appropriate; use more “do’s” than “don’ts”; have your child help make the rules and decide on the consequences for breaking them

When to Seek Help

If your child is…

• doing dangerous or risky things

• overly aggressive with others

• disrespectful of people or property

• has a medical or psychological reason for the unacceptable behavior

How would you handle the following situations:

• Joey starts crying because he wants to play with a toy that someone else already has.

• Mary screams and cries every time her mother takes her to a store until her mother buys her something.

• You are trying to talk to your child’s teacher and she keeps interrupting you and pulling on your hand to leave.

Effective Techniques of Positive Discipline

1. Say ‘yes’ if possible

2. Catch your child being ‘good’

3. Selectively ignore misbehavior

4. Apply consequences when necessary

5. Share your reasoning with your child

6. Call for a break

7. Pick your battles