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Positive Parenting Young

children (3-10)

John Sharry

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Parenting - An important note

THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO BRING UP CHILDREN What matters is finding a way that works for you, your children and your family

BE CAREFUL ABOUT PARENTING EXPERTS Trust your own intuition and test ideas in your own experience


Parents Plus Programmes

Video based parenting courses developed by the Parents Plus Charity in the Mater Hospital

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Parents Plus Programmes www.parentsplus.ie

Evidence-based, practical parenting courses Parents Plus Early Years Programme ( 1- 6

year olds) John Sharry, Grainne Hampson, Mary Fanning

Parents Plus Childrens Programme (6-11 year olds) John Sharry, Carol Fitzpatrick

Parents Plus Adolescents Programme (11 – 16 years olds) John Sharry, Carol Fitzpatrick


POSITIVE DISCIPLINE Being firm, Able to set rules Teach child to behave

POSITIVE PARENTING Being loving, Caring Encouraging


PARENT MAKES DECISIONS

Guide and protect children

CHILD MAKES DECSIONS Encouraging Independence


CARING FOR CHILDREN positive parenting

CARING FOR PARENTS Worklife balance

Sef care

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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps

Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children Step 4 Encouragement and Praise Step 5 Establishing Good Routines Step 6 Setting Rules with Children Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems Step 9 Problem Solving with Children

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Step 1 ‘Press the Pause Button’

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Classic Problem Pattern

Child Misbehaves

Parent/ child Feel upset

Relationship Suffers

Child Escalates

Parent criticizes/ reacts angrily

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Pressing the Pause Button •  Pressing the pause button is about

realising you have a choice about how you respond

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A Different Response

Child Misbehaves

Parent feels confident Child feels contained

Relationship improves

Parent chooses

Effective response

Parent presses pause button

Child behaves better

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Solving Childhood Problems

1) Pressing the Pause Button

2) Thinking Up Solutions

3) Agreeing a Plan


Step 2

‘The Power of Positive Attention’

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Negative Attention Pattern

Child Misbehaves

Parent/ child Feel upset

Relationship Suffers

Child Escalates

Parent criticizes/ reacts angrily


Positive Attention cycle

Child behaves well

Parent/ child Relationship

improves

Child enjoys praise

Parent feels good

Parent notices, praises

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Building your relationship with your child “Putting Money in the Bank”

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Buiding your relationship with your child Making a Deposit

Question for discussion •  When in the day do you find you get on best

with or have the best chats with your child? •  When do you really enjoy being with your

child?

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Putting money in the relationship bank – ‘Making a connection’

•  Usually one to one time with child •  Good time of day, when child is open •  Activity that child enjoys or is interested in •  Ideally an activity parent loves also •  Activity that allows for chatting and talking •  Regularly occuring time – ideally daily

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Deposits – Building your Relationship with your child p23

•  Setting aside time to play • Praise and encouragement • Special chats • Going on a walk together • Setting aside time to do an activity your child really enjoys • Teaching your child something • Letting your child teach you something

Reading together at bedtime • Affection and cuddles • Caring • Expressing positive feelings • Listening to your child’s news • Keeping a promise to your child • Soothing your child when they are upset.

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Step 3

‘Play and Special Time with Children’


Positive Parenting cycle

Parents sets time aside to play with child


improves

Child and parent feel close and connected

Child enjoys play

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The Importance of Play and Special Time with Children

•  Helps you understand and enjoy your child •  Brings parent and child closer together •  Encourages children’s learning •  Boosts child’ self-esteem •  Reduces behaviour problems • 

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The Best Way to Play with Children

•  Set aside a special time . •  Spend one-on-one time with children . •  Choose interactive, imaginative activities •  Follow the child’s lead •  Encourage Children in Play •  Use everyday activities as well as playtime •  Enjoy and have fun!

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Exercise- take a pause p 33

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Principle

‘Solving Childhood Problems

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1)  Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?

2) Tuning In What is going on for me as a parent? What is going on for my child? What strategies have worked best in the past? 3) Agreeing a Plan What is the best way to respond? How can I prevent problem from happening again

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3) Agreeing a Plan

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Step 6

‘Establishing Rules with Children’

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What rules should you set with children?

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The power of Positive Instructions

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Switching Donts to Dos Don’t

Do

•  Don’t put that there

•  Don’t get angry like that

•  Don’t fight with your brother

•  Please use your nice voice

•  Put it here?/Let me show you

•  Lets see the two of you getting on

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Step 7

‘Responding to Misbehaviour’

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Responding to Problems

1) Pressing the Pause Button Take a moment to step back from problem What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?

2) Tuning In What is going on for my child? What is going on for me as a parent? 3) Choose a response What is the best way to respond now?

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Positive Discipline- Positive Responses 1)  Positive Instructions 2)  Distractions 3)  Soothing/ acknowledging feelings 4)  Praise Ignore principle 5)  Using Consequences and choices 6)  Take protective action

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Creating a Discipline plan •  Essentially good discipline is about having a

clear plan of action •  Ideally, you have a step by step set of

strategies that you can take in response to your child’s misbehaviour

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Positive Discipline- Step by Step plan 1)  Press the pause button 2)  Positive Instruction – ‘ssh lets use a quiet voice 3)  Distraction - ‘Look, lets play with the blocks’ 4)  Soothing – ‘ I know its hard... Lets calm down’ 5)  Praise Ignore – e.g ignore whining when tidying

up and praise small steps.. ‘You put the first block in – good boy’

6)  Consequence – ‘ when blocks in the box, then you can have Teddy’

7)  Back up Consequence ‘if you hit out you will have to sit on the Time Out chair’

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Good Consequences •  Are not severe (only have to be small to work) •  Affect the child and not the parent •  Are immediate and related to misbehaviour (e.g. Toys put

away for a minute if not sharing’) •  Start small and can slowly increase •  Are repeatable and don’t run out •  Ideally a warning is given, so child has a choice to behave •  Are delivered respectfully and calmly •  Are explained in advance to child

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Planned Consequences and Sanctions •  Choose a repeatable sanction that you can easily use in

most situations ( Pocket money, Time Out, TV time) •  Think through ‘what, where, how’ of system in advance

and make sure to explain to children in advance •  Wan child of consequence ‘if you hit out again you will

have to take a time out’ – Emphasise choice •  Follow through calmly – ‘ let the consequence do the

work, not the anger’ •  Never run out of sanctions, have sequence of them

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Step by Step Discipline Plan – Older child 1)  Remain calm and respectful

2)  Focus on positive options for your child – ‘ I want you to ..

OR you cant.. , but you can

3)  Acknowledge feelings ‘ I know you feel upset

4)  Address disrespect ‘ Please speak politely

5)  End conversation if disrespect continues ‘ I can only speak to you when you speak politely to me’

6)  Use consequences – If you continue to be rude you will have to take a Time out

7)  If you wont go to Time Out you will lose pocket money

8)  If rudeness/ aggression continues, take action – e.g. Walk away

9)  Follow up later to talk through when things are calmer

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Positive Discipline- Positive Responses 1)  Positive Instructions 2)  Distractions 3)  Soothing/ acknowledging feelings 4)  Praise Ignore principle 5)  Using Consequences and choices 6)  Take protective action

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1) Pressing the Pause Button 2) Tuning In 3) Agreeing a Plan

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Exercise- take a pause 1) Think of ongoing problem in your home 2)Tune into your child to understand what might be going on 3) Now think of a step by step plan for responding

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Principle

Prevention Plans

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Positive Prevention- Plan in Advance 1)  Set aside play time – enjoy your child 2)  Good routines - e.g bedtime, morning time, etc 3)  Avoid problem situation, e.g busy supermarket 4)  Encourage good behaviour e.g. Make a big deal

anytime she minds brother 5)  Take time to teach child how to behave e.g. How

to dress themselves, How to share 6)  Use picture charts and rewards 7)  Prioritise own self care and relaxation

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Positive Prevention – Two great principles

•  Establishing a Positive Routine – Teaching child a good habit that shows the good behaviour you want.

•  Problem Solving - Sitting down and talking problem through with child

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Principle

Establishing Routines

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Establishing Routines in Homes

•  Good routines are essential in famlies •  Good routines reduce misbeahviour and

create good behaviour habits

•  Establishing routines takes time and patience. Key is to

1)  Have a clear positive goal for the routine 2)  Break the routine down into steps 3)  Explain routine in advance 4)  Use a reward system to get the routine going

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Principle

Problem Solving With Children

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Problem Solving with Children 1)   Solving Problems Together •  Pick a good place and time to talk •  Start Positive and State Goal

2) Listen to Everyone •  Listen to Child – help child say what they think and feel •  State your own point of view respectfully

3) Think Up Solutions •  Ask child to come up with ideas first •  Focus on what has worked in past 4) Agree a plan •  What ideas will leave everyone feeling happy •  Arrange a time meet again to discuss


Positive Parenting Young

children (3-10)

Part 3

John Sharry

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Principle

‘Solving Childhood Problems

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3) Agreeing a Plan

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Further talks and information

Parenting Articles and Features www.solutiontalk.ie Parenting Talks Positive Parenting Teenagers CORK Saturday 12th March Helping Teenager overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 11th april Helping young children overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 18th april Bulding children and teenagers self-esteem DUBLIN Mon 25th April

www.solutiontalk.ie/events Parents Plus courses www.parentsplus.ie- Parent Page www.facebook.com/solutiontalk Q&A: [email protected]

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Articles and Information www.solutiontalk.ie www.facebook.com/solutiontalk

@JohnSharryIRL Q&A: [email protected] Further Family Seminars •  Promoting positive self-esteem in children •  'Overcoming Bullying and Helping Children Get Along’ •  'Helping Children make Good Choices about

Alcohol, Drugs and Sex’ •  Overcoming anxiety and worries •  'Positive Family Relationships

More information

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Positive Parenting ‘Be encouraging/ build your

children’s self-esteem’

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Encouraging Self-Esteem - Summary 1.  Help your child discover and express their

strengths and talents 2.  Praise and encourage your child’s positive

qualities not positive results 3.  Encourage Responsibility and Skill Mastery 4.  Help your children contribute socially


Step 4

‘Become positive and encouraging’


Positive Encouragement cycle

Child behaves well


improves

Child enjoys praise

Parent feels good

Parent notices, praises


Becoming an Encouraging parent

Critical Parent •  That’s not right

Encouraging Parent •  Try it like this…good boy

•  Don’t get angry like that

•  Why ddn’t you pick the blue block?

•  I know you are upset at having to leave

•  Oh you picked the green block, you like green

•  Why are you so aggressive? •  I know you can be kind and considerate with your brother.. Lets see more of that

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Principle

‘Encourage Responsibility and Skill Mastery’

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Encouraging Responsibility Don’t’ do for a child anything That they can do for themselves

1)  Skill mastery in everyday chores and

activities is a big source of self-esteem. 2)  Much conflict is caused by parents taking

too much responsibilty for children

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Tasks to teach your child

Young Child •  Feeding oneself •  Getting dressed •  Tidying room •  Helping with cooking meals •  Helping with laundry •  Helping with weekly

shopping •  Washing-up Others...................................•

Older Child/ Teen •  Mowing the grass• •  Painting a room• •  Paying bills• •  Locking doors at night• •  Changing the oil in the car• •  Mending an electric fuse• •  Wiring an electric plug• •  Caring for a younger child•

Others...................................•

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Encouraging Self-Esteem/Responsibility 1.  What personal/ household tasks can each

of your children complete? 2.  What tasks are they ready to learn next? 3.  What responsibilities are they ready to

take on? 4.  How can you teach these new tasks in a

fun way?

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1) Pressing the Pause Button 2) Tuning In 3) Agreeing a Plan

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Problem Example 1 – Sibling Rivalry

Two boys are always fighting, constant tension. One boy always seems to be picking on the other, who runs crying to the parent who punishes first child.

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Sibling Rivlary 1) Press the pause button

•  Parents usually reacts by trying to referee the children’s fighting – getting involved trying to decide who is wrong and then disciplining this child.

•  Inadvertently she is siding with the younger child. This can leave the older boy feeling defensive and

•  more likely to misbehave and the younger boy to continue to be a victim.

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Step by Step Discipline Plan Example – siblings fighting

1. Positive Instruction - ‘Listen guys, lets all share/ lets take turns’,

PAUSE 2. Remind/ Encourage - ‘The two of you are so good at

sharing’./ ‘ I know the two of you can get on’ PAUSE 3. Consequence - ‘The toys get put away, until you share’ PAUSE 4. Consequence 2 – Ssh, When you calm, down the toy comes

back’ . PAUSE 5. Consequence 2 – Be kind, or you will both have to separate

for a minute’.


Responding to Problems

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Prevention Plan – Sibling Rivalry

1.  Set aside one-to-one time with each child, when you can enjoy their company and listen to them alone.

2.  Set up playtime with both children supporting them playing cooperatively together e.g. Put them on the same team

3.  Encourage together – you are great brothers sharing like that 4.  Always encourage both - J put out the plates and B you did the cutlery 5.  Use a team picture chart e.g. Working as a team in the morning. 6.  Problem Solve together - sit down with both children and help them

discuss ways they can get on. The focus is on finding a solution rather than analysing who is wrong.

7.  Problem Solve individually - sit down with each child, without taking sides, listen to their perspective and help them find a solution - ‘How can you get on with your sister?’

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Example 3 – Homework and Study •  Child appears little motivated in study and

homework has become a battle between parent and child. Parent thinks child is ‘lazy’or not applying himself and parent is very worried about the child failing exams

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Homework - Plan of action

Discipline Plan 1)  Set up a clear homework routine in the house ( with natural

reward and consequence) 2)  Dailiy, check what homework child has ( or study plan) and

help child plan 3)  Be around to support child doing homework, but don’t into

criticism or cajoling 4)  Have a ritual of reviewing what homework has been done

( what have you learnt today?)

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Homework - Plan of action

Prevention Plan 1)  Sit down and problem solve with your child around study and

homework. Tune into your child and understand what is the issue for your child doing homework

2)  Agree a routine and reward deal with your child around study and homework

3)  Work closely with school about homework and study routine. Get extra help as needed

4)  Discovers what really What could really motivate your child around this?

5)  Change your own perspective on study, back off and let child take responsbility. Think through a plan B on education

6)  Encourages child in doing other activities that child is good at (to build self-esteem etc.).

7)  set aside a daily connecting time with the child (which is study free)

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Example 2 – Anxious Child •  Child is very anxious a lot of the time,

expressing worries about loads of different things. Parent alternates between spending lots of time trying to reassure the child becoming really anxious themselves OR becomes exasperated and dismisses the worries angrily

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Anxiety - Plan of action

Discipline Plan 1)  Parent remains calm when dealing with worries 2)  Sets aside a daily worry time, when childs worries

will be talked about BUT at other times parent will not engage in worry talk.

3)  Outside worry time, parent will distract or gently move on from worries, ‘Lets talk about something else now.’

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Anxiety - Plan of action

Prevention Plan 1.Parent takes time to address causes of worries where possible. 2) During worry time, parent listens empathically andencourages

child to come up with solutions, ‘What can we do to help?’ 3) Parent coaches child in relaxation or stress management

techniques 4) Encourages child in doing other ‘worry free’ happy activities

that child is good at (to build self-esteem etc.). 5) Parents set aside a daily playtime with the child (which is worry

free)


Principle

‘Positive Parenting Starts with You’


Start with caring for yourself


Principle

‘Positive Parenting Starts with You’


Start with caring for yourself

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Principle

‘Encourage Responsibility and Skill Mastery’

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Encouraging Responsibility Don’t’ do for a child anything That they can do for themselves

1)  Skill mastery in everyday chores and

activities is a big source of self-esteem. 2)  Much conflict is caused by parents taking

too much responsibilty for children

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Encouraging Responsibility · 1) What chores/ responsibilities do your

children currently have? · 2) What responsibilities could you handover

to them? · 3) How could you teach them these chores/

skills in a fun empowering way?

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Further talks and information

Parenting Articles and Features www.solutiontalk.ie Parenting Talks Positive Parenting Teenagers CORK Saturday 12th March Helping Teenager overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 11th april Helping young children overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 18th april Bulding children and teenagers self-esteem DUBLIN Mon 25th April

www.solutiontalk.ie/events Parents Plus courses www.parentsplus.ie- Parent Page www.facebook.com/solutiontalk Q&A: [email protected]


Positive Parenting cycle

Parents sets time aside to play with child


improves

Child and parent feel close and connected

Child enjoys play


Positive Parenting - Summary •  * Commit to having a daily ‘parent time’ for yourself ( even ten

minutes) doing something you like ( e.g. having a walk) when you can relax or take time to reflect.

•  * Make sure to have a regular one to one time with each of your children, in play or just chatting and talking or doing something you both enjoy.

•  * Become aware of the times you respond positively to your child’s request for attention. * Practice being encouraging and always focusing on positive first

•  * In conflict, remember to pause and try to hold expressing too many negative emotions.

•  * Practice first tuning into your child first and understanding their point of view.

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Principle

‘Tune into your Children’

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Tuning into your children •  Understanding how your children think, how they

feel and how they see the world... •  Being empathic/ ‘Getting inside their head’ •  Sensitive to their developmental stage

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Tuning into your children •  What does your child really love to do? •  What is their favourite way to play/ spend

time with you? •  What frustrates them? •  What are they particularly sensitive about? •  What things do they find hard to do?

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