president joe (animated sitcom) - pilot episode / detroit

PRESIDENT JOE

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY

KATHIE LEE

Welcome back to the Today Show.

This is the special episode where

Regis Philbin is going to join us

and stuff seven eggs in his mouth.

HODA

Why is he gonna stuff seven eggs in

his mouth?

KATHIE LEE

Because he’s a moron--just like all

of our viewers. Especially Randall

O’Shaughnessy of Milwaukee,

Wisconsin.

INT. HOME - DAY

A MAN with a t-shirt that says "I’M RANDALL O’SHAUGHNESSY"

is watching the Today Show.

MAN

Hey!


KATHIE LEE

(looks back at camera)

OK, morons. Before we get to

Regis, we’ve got some breaking news

for you from Washington.

HODA

Wow! Breaking news from Washington?

Kathie Lee slaps Hoda in the face.

KATHIE LEE

Stop talking so much, bitch! Are

you Kathie Lee?

HODA

No. I’m Hoda.

KATHIE LEE

Who’s Kathie Lee?

2.

HODA

You’re Kathie Lee.

Kathie Lee takes out a contract.

KATHIE LEE

Now look at Kathie Lee’s contract.

Look at it!

She slaps Hoda with the contract.

KATHIE LEE

Article 1. "Kathie Lee gets to talk

80% of the time." Article 2: "Hoda

gets to talk 20% of the time."

Article 3: "Kathie Lee gets

unlimited Skittles." Article 4:

"Kathie Lee gets

unlimited man-slaves."

Zoom out to reveal that Kathie Lee is holding a leash that’s

around the neck of JOHNNY (40, white).

KATHIE LEE

(to Johnny)

Give me some Skittles, man slave!

Johnny pours some Skittles into her hand. Kathie Lee pours

them in her mouth and begins chewing.

HODA

Isn’t slavery illegal?

KATHIE LEE

Are you a constitutional lawyer?

HODA

No. I’m Hoda.

KATHIE LEE

Well listen, Hoda. The 13th and

14th amendments made the

enslavement of black

people illegal. All of my slaves

are white.

(to Slave)

Isn’t that right, Johnny?

JOHNNY

Yes, Mrs. Gifford. We’re all very,

very Caucasian. Except for DeAndre.

3.

KATHIE LEE

DeAndre’s not my slave! He’s my

intern.

The camera reveals DEANDRE (25, black).

KATHIE LEE

DeAndre. Go make me some coffee!

DEANDRE

Yes, Mrs. Gifford.

KATHIE LEE

You know, if you weren’t black, I’d

enslave you.

DEANDRE

Well. Then I guess I’m happy to be

black.

KATHIE LEE

(to camera)

Anyways, here’s the breaking news.

Apparently, a group of aliens have

landed outside of the White House.

HODA

On a Monday morning? If I were an

alien, I’d get here on a Sunday

afternoon, when people are in a

better mood.

Kathie Lee slaps her again.

KATHIE LEE

Shut up!

(turns and yells out)

DeAndre! Where the hell is my

coffee!

DEANDRE

It’s almost ready, Mrs. Gifford.

KATHIE LEE

And where are the eggs?! Regis is

gonna be here any minute!

DEANDRE

You didn’t tell me to buy eggs.

KATHIE LEE

DeAndre--this is the Today Show,

and you’re my intern. That means

(MORE)

4.

KATHIE LEE (cont’d)it’s implied that you’re supposed

to have at least 24 eggs on hand at

all times.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

PRESIDENT JOE (45) is sitting at his desk. He pulls some

scotch tape out of its holder, and tapes it to his nose. His

assistant HARRY (45) walks in.

HARRY

President Joe. There are some

aliens outside who want to talk to

you.

PRESIDENT JOE

Again? Freaking aliens. What do

they want this time?

HARRY

Actually, this is the first time

aliens have made contact with human

beings.

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s not true. My stepmother is

an alien.

HARRY

Um. I think you’re confusing your

life with a shitty 1980s movie

called My Stepmother is an Alien.

PRESIDENT JOE

Is that the movie about Leonard,

and how he’s Part 6?

HARRY

No. You’re thinking of another

shitty 80s movie.

PRESIDENT JOE

Which one?

HARRY

The one that’s called Leonard Part

6.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well which one is My Stepmother is

an Alien?

5.

HARRY

It’s the one about a stepmother

who’s an alien.

PRESIDENT JOE

Oh yeah. Right. I guess I should

stop getting high on acid so

much. I’m gonna mention that in my

next State of the Union

Address. So, uh, there are aliens

here?

HARRY

Yeah. And their leader wants to see

you.

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. Do you think he wants to kick

my ass?

HARRY

I don’t know. I mean, I’d like to

kick your ass, and your ex-wife

would like to kick your ass, and

according to a recent CNN poll, 53

million Americans would like to

kick your ass. But I don’t know

about the alien.

PRESIDENT JOE

OK. I guess I’ll have a meeting

with the alien. Um. One more

question. Is he black?

HARRY

What?

PRESIDENT JOE

You know. Is he, like, a black guy?

HARRY

He’s an alien. You know. A to the

izz L, I to the E-N.

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah. But is he the black guy

equivalent of an alien? Like, is he

to aliens what a black guy is to

people?

HARRY

I don’t know. Why?

6.

PRESIDENT JOE

No reason. I’m not racist or

anything. I mean, my Vice President

is black. By the way--where is that

black son of a bitch?

HARRY

Um. That’s a very racist thing to

say.

PRESIDENT JOE

What’s so racist about it?

HARRY

You referred to the Vice President

as a "black son of a bitch."

PRESIDENT JOE

So. Whenever I talk about you

behind your back, I refer to you as

a white son of a bitch. I also

sometimes call you a lazy, no good,

lying piece of shit.

HARRY

Well. "Black son of a bitch" is

racist, but "white son of a bitch"

isn’t.

PRESIDENT JOE

What about "Jew son of a bitch?" Is

that racist?

HARRY

Well. I guess that depends on

whether you classify Jews as a

race. Anyways, the aliens are

waiting for you, you white son of a

bitch.

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. So do you think this is

gonna take a long time, you white

son of a bitch?

HARRY

That’s tough to say, you white son

of a bitch. We’re not sure what the

aliens want. And we don’t know

anything about the conversational

style of aliens. You know. We don’t

know if they’re succinct, of if

they just go on and on about

(MORE)

7.

HARRY (cont’d)everything, the way Senator Cruz

does.

PRESIDENT JOE

Right. Senator Cruz is a

long-winded Mexican son of a bitch.

HARRY

Sir. That’s racist.

PRESIDENT JOE

What? I can’t say "Mexican son of a

bitch?"

HARRY

No. Not to mention the fact that

Senator Cruz is a Cuban son of a

bitch. I mean, uh, he’s Cuban.

PRESIDENT JOE

And he’s a son of a bitch.

HARRY

Yes. But he’s not a Cuban son of a

bitch. His Cubanness and son of a

bitch-edness are independent from

each other. Anyways--the aliens are

waiting, you white son of a bitch.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well--do you think this meeting

with the aliens is gonna take more

than five minutes, you white son of

a bitch? ’Cause, you know, I got a

golf game at 10.

HARRY

I don’t know.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well, if it does go on for a while,

bring Senator Cruz over here so

that son of a bitch can talk to the

aliens. Senator Cruz is Cuban, by

the way.

8.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

President Joe walks out of the White House, and sees a lone

ALIEN (BOB ALIENINSKY) standing near the door.

PRESIDENT JOE

Hello. Welcome to earth. I’m

President Joe. Joe Smith.

ALIEN

I am President Bob. Bob

Alieninsky. How’s it going?

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. So, uh, what brings you

here, Bobby?

ALIEN

Bobby?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah.

ALIEN

My name is Bob. On my planet, there

are no name variations. If you’re

Bob, you’re Bob. That’s it.

PRESIDENT JOE

Oh. OK, Bob. So what brings you

here, asshole?

ALIEN

Nothing really. We just want some

land.

PRESIDENT JOE

Wait a second, Bobby. Are you

trying to take over this planet?

ALIEN

No. Just Detroit. And stop calling

me Shirley.

PRESIDENT JOE

I din’t call you Shirley. I called

you Bobby.

ALIEN

My name is Bob.

9.

PRESIDENT JOE

OK, Bob. So you guys want Detroit?

ALIEN

Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE

Just so we’re clear here--you want

the Detroit that’s in Michigan?

ALIEN

Yeah. We want that Detroit. We’ll

pay you for it.

He opens a suitcase and reveals stacks of McDonald’s gift

cards.

ALIEN

I didn’t have time to go to the

moneychangers. Is it cool if I pay

you in McDonald’s Gift Cards?

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s OK. You can just

have Detroit for free. We’ll throw

in Cleveland, too.

ALIEN

We don’t want Cleveland. Just

Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

OK. Are you gonna take Detroit with

you to your planet?

ALIEN

No. We’re just gonna hang out in

Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

You can take it with you if you

want.

ALIEN

No.

PRESIDENT JOE

I’m just saying. We’ll give you

$100 billion to attach Detroit to

your spaceship and take it to

another planet. And we’ll throw in

another $100 billion if that planet

is in another galaxy.

10.

ALIEN

We’re just gonna hang out in

Detroit on Earth. By the way--why

do you call your planet "Earth?"

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. You know.

ALIEN

No. I don’t know.

PRESIDENT JOE

It’s Earth. Our planet is Earth.

’Cause, like, the soil is made of

earth.

ALIEN

How do you figure?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well, what do you call the soil on

your planet?

ALIEN

What do we call it? We call it

soil.

PRESIDENT JOE

You don’t also call it earth?

ALIEN

Why the hell would we call our soil

"earth?"

PRESIDENT JOE

I don’t know. Just, ’cause, you

know... it’s earth.

ALIEN

Than you. That was very

educational.

PRESIDENT JOE

What’s your planet called?

ALIEN

Jurth.

PRESIDENT JOE

Jurth?

11.

ALIEN

Yes. Jurth.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well where is jurth?

ALIEN

Well. You get on the 405 Freeway,

go south for 15 miles, and then go

up in the sky for 1.27 million

light years.

PRESIDENT JOE

Let me write that down.

He takes out his iPhone.

ALIEN

Is that an iPhone 6?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah.

ALIEN

What are you--a fag or something?

On Jurth, everyone has at least an

iPhone 977.

PRESIDENT JOE

You shouldn’t say "fag." That’s

homophobic.

ALIEN

Homophobic? What are you--a fag or

something?

PRESIDENT JOE

Anyways...

(begins typing on his iPhone)

You said 15 miles south, and then

1.27 million light years in the

sky?

ALIEN

Right. If you make it to the

Chipotle in the Makerac Galaxy,

that means you’ve gone too far.

PRESIDENT JOE

There’s Chipotle in other galaxies?

12.

ALIEN

Yeah. And they have free

guacamole. So shall we move in to

Detroit?

PRESIDENT JOE

I guess. But, uh, what about the

people who live in Detroit right

now?

ALIEN

Can you tell them to move?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. I have a better idea. How

about you just take them to your

planet?

ALIEN

Uh. I’d rather not.

PRESIDENT JOE

I’ll give you $300 billion.

ALIEN

Look. We’re not gonna do it. On

Jurth, we only have Jurthans. We

don’t want any Detroitians.

PRESIDENT JOE

Fine. Whatever.

ALIEN

Great. So uh, did you see the

Finale of How I Met Your Mother? It

was good--wasn’t it?

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. I haven’t seen it--but Senator

Cruz has. I’ll have him come over

here to discuss it with you.

INT. CAR - DAY

President Joe is in the backseat with Harry, while a DRIVER

drives.

PRESIDENT JOE

(on car phone)

Yeah. Detroit. ... Yeah. Aliens.

... Yeah. Chipotle. ... Yeah. Two

strippers. ... OK.

13.

He hangs up the phone.

PRESIDENT JOE

That was The Jerry Springer Show.

I’m gonna be on next Wednesday. Is

there any way I can do the State of

the Union Address during The Jerry

Springer Show?

HARRY

Mr. President. Why do you insist on

having a car phone?

PRESIDENT JOE

Because I want to use a phone while

I’m in the car.

HARRY

But why a car phone? Why not use

your cell phone?

PRESIDENT JOE

Why would I use a cell phone in the

car, when I have a car phone in the

car?

HARRY

A car phone is unnecessary when you

already have a cell phone. You can

just use a cell phone in the car.

PRESIDENT JOE

Listen. I use the right phone for

each location. When I’m at home, I

use a home phone. When I’m in a

car, I use a car phone. When I’m in

a crackhouse, I use a crackhouse

phone.

HARRY

There’s no such thing as an

crackhouse phone, you jackass.

PRESIDENT JOE

(to the Driver)

Driver. Is he allowed to call me a

jackass?

DRIVER

I don’t know, Mr. President.

14.

PRESIDENT JOE

I see. ... Are we there yet?

DRIVER

Not yet, jackass.

EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

President Joe puts a ball and misses the hole. He turns

around in the direction of a CAMERA CREW.

CAMERA MAN

OK. We’re on in five, four, three,

two, one.

PRESIDENT JOE

(addressing camera)

Zero. My fellow Americans. What’s

going on? It’s President Joe. I,

uh, just had a little chat with an

alien. President Bob Something. Not

Bobby. He’s kind of a douchebag.

... Alright. That pretty much sums

it up. I have to go back to work

now and do some vetoing. I’m gonna

veto some shitty laws. That’s my

job. I’m President Joe. The End.

He grabs a golf club and makes a put. He turns around and

addresses the camera again.

PRESIDENT JOE

Oh. One more thing. I gave the

aliens Detroit--so if that’s where

you live, you’re gonna have to move

somewhere else. Oh. Also, I’m gonna

be on The Jerry Springer Show this

Wednesday.

He takes his ball out of the hole, and walks away.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR

...And that’s why Jean Claude Van

Damme was wearing a corset and

playing the harmonica.

Zoom out to reveal JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME sitting next to

him.

15.

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME

Actually, that’s not why.

NEWS ANCHOR

And in other news, aliens landed in

America at 9 o’clock this morning,

and had a chat with President Joe,

reportedly about land, Chipotle,

and The How I Met Your Mother

Finale. An episode I hated, by the

way. It was totally stupid. ... And

after a very brief negotiation,

the President gave the aliens the

entire city of Detroit. And here to

analyze the situation is our

analyzing guy, Jim Sedowitz.

Jim--how much will the Detroit

giveaway affect the President’s

chances of being reelected in

November?

JIM

Well--not that much, considering

how there’s no election this year,

and the President is in his second

term. By the way--that’s the 15th

dumbest question you’ve asked me

this month, right behind, "What

percentage of Secret Servicemen are

ninjas?"

NEWS ANCHOR

OK. But how will all of this

Detroit stuff affect the

President’s popularity? Is that a

dumb question?

JIM

No. That’s a good question. Right

after the President gave Detroit to

the aliens, his approval rating

went from 38% to 84%.

NEWS ANCHOR

So since 100 minus 84 is 16, does

that mean that President’s

unnapproval rating is 16%?

JIM

Yes.

16.

NEWS ANCHOR

And was that a stupid question?

JIM

Yes.

NEWS ANCHOR

Alright. I got a good one. How has

President Joe’s approval rating

been affected by the high

unemployment rate among ninjas? And

are voters aware that the President

has no ninjas in his secret service

or his cabinet?

JIM

That’s the seventh dumbest question

you’ve asked me this month, right

after, "Does the word ’president’

have anything with the word

’precedent?’ Anyways, we asked

voters what the President could do

to send his approval rating even

higher, and they mentioned two

things: giving the aliens

Cleveland, and

making guacamole free at Chipotle.

NEWS ANCHOR

Hey. I’m from Cleveland.

JIM

Well. That explains why you’re such

a dipshit.

NEWS ANCHOR

I see. And what do Detroit

residents think of all of this?

JIM

Well. They love Chipotle’s

guacamole.

NEWS ANCHOR

And what do they think about the

fact that their city has been given

to the aliens?

JIM

Well, 99% of Detroit residents

don’t know about the alien thing,

because they’re ignorant. But I’m

told the other 1% have very strong

opinions on the matter.

17.

EXT. CRACKHOUSE - DAY

The President is on the phone, talking to MAYOR WAYANS (50,

black).

MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)

Mr. President. It’s Ed Wayans.

PRESIDENT JOE

Are you the guy from In Living

Color?


No. I’m the Governor of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

Don’t you mean the Mayor of

Detroit?


Whatever. I’m the main guy that the

city voted for.

PRESIDENT JOE

OK. What do you want?


I want you to not give Detroit to

the aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE

But I already gave it to them. I

can’t take it back. I wouldn’t want

to be a white man giver.


A what?

PRESIDENT JOE

A white man giver. You know.

Someone who gives something, and

then takes it back.


Isn’t that an Indian giver?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well, the term Indian giver is

offensive to Indians, so I use

"white man giver" instead. I do

that with a lot of racially

offensive terms. Like, I call the

Washington Redskins the Washington

Rednecks.

18.


But if you say things like

"Washington Rednecks" and "white

man givers," isn’t that offensive

to white men?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well, what do you want me to say

instead of white man giver and

Washington Rednecks? Mexican givers

and Washington RedMexicans?


Um. I guess white man giver is OK.

PRESIDENT JOE

OK. Great. I’m glad we settled that

matter. Bye.


Wait a second. What about Detroit?

PRESIDENT JOE

What about it?


You gave it to the aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE

Right.


If there’s no Detroit, then I can’t

be the governor of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

Even if there is a Detroit, you

can’t be the governor. You can be

the mayor.


Whatever. You get my point. If

there’s no Detroit, I can’t be the

leader of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. You can still be the leader

of all the people who voted for

you. But not in Detroit. Just lead

them somewhere else.

19.


Lead them somewhere else? What do I

look like--Moses?

PRESIDENT JOE

I don’t know what you look like.

I’m talking to you on a crackhouse

phone--not a video phone.

Zoom out to reveal that the President is in a crackhouse.


Crackhouse phone?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah. OK. Nice talking to you,

Mayor.


Governor.

PRESIDENT JOE

Mayor.


KATHIE LEE

Alright. If you’re just joining us,

I had to tape Hoda’s mouth shut

earlier during the show, because

she was talking too much.

Zoom out to reveal Hoda sitting next to Kathie Lee with her

mouth taped shut.

KATHIE LEE

Anyways, the big news today is that

the aliens have moved in to

Detroit.

HODA

Mmmm mmm mmm mmm mmmm mmmmm.

Kathie Lee slaps Hoda.

KATHIE LEE

Shut your mouth!

JOHNNY

Um. Mrs. Gifford. Her mouth is

shut. It’s taped shut.

20.

KATHIE LEE

Well then you shut your mouth.

JOHNNY

Yes, Mrs. Gifford.

KATHIE LEE

I said shut up!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

HARRY

Sir. There are some people at the

front door who want to see you.

PRESIDENT JOE

Who?

HARRY

Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

What do you mean Detroit?

HARRY

The city of Detroit.

PRESIDENT JOE

The city of Detroit is at the front

door?

HARRY

Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE

Again? Freaking Detroit. What do

they want this time?

HARRY

Actually, this is the first time

the entire city of Detroit has come

here.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

The President opens the door, and sees a countless number of

PEOPLE from Detroit standing there, including BILL (45,

black).

21.

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. Hi.

BILL

Hi.

PRESIDENT JOE

What can I do for you?

BILL

Well. You gave our city to the

aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE

Right.

BILL

So.

PRESIDENT JOE

So?

BILL

So now we’re moving in here with

you.

PRESIDENT JOE

In here?

BILL

Yeah.

PRESIDENT JOE

I’m gonna have to veto that idea.

Mayor Wayans makes his way through some people and walks up

to the President.

MAYOR WAYANS

Well--as the Governor of Detroit,

I’m vetoing your veto.

PRESIDENT JOE

Mayor Wayans. What are you doing

here?

MAYOR WAYANS

We made an exodus out of Detroit.

And this is our new land. 1600

Castlevania Avenue.

22.

PRESIDENT JOE

Pennsylvania Avenue.

MAYOR WAYANS

Pennsylvania? That doesn’t make

any sense. This place isn’t a

pencil--it’s a castle. This is the

White Castle--located at

1600 Castlevania Avenue.

PRESIDENT JOE

Actually, it’s the White House.

MAYOR WAYANS

Look. We don’t care if this is The

White House, The White Castle, or

the The White Pencil. All we know

is that we live here.

Everyone starts walking in.


NEWS ANCHOR

And that’s why Jennifer Love Hewitt

bought 87 chairs at IKEA. And in

related news, the city of Detroit

has moved into the White House,

sending the White House population

up from one to 704,563.

EXT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

Hundreds of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue on the

White House front lawn.


President Joe is seated at his desk, while dozens of PEOPLE

FROM DETROIT are hanging out in various parts of the room.

The President walks to the bathroom, opens the door, and

sees some more PEOPLE FROM DETROIT hanging out in the

bathroom.

PRESIDENT JOE

Uh. Can I have a moment alone?

BILL

Whatever. By the way, you better

lower our taxes. I paid 10% sales

tax on these socks, homeboy.

23.

He reveals a pair of tweed socks he’s wearing.

BILL

And 10% sales tax on this ferret I

shoved up my ass.

He turns around and is about to pull down his pants.

PRESIDENT JOE

You don’t have to show me the

ferret.

BILL

Well can I show you my ass without

showing you the ferret?

PRESIDENT JOE

No. Oh--and I’m not the one in

charge of sales tax. That’s the

state government. I work for the

federal government.

BILL

I know that. What--you think I’m

ignorant?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yes.

BILL

That’s it. I’m not voting for you

come next January.

PRESIDENT JOE

This is my second term. And

Presidential elections are in

November.

BILL

I know that. What--you think I’m

ignorant?

PRESIDENT JOE

I’m surprised you even know what

the word ignorant means.

(to Everyone)

Now everyone--please get out.

They all exit the bathroom. The President closes the door,

picks up the bathroom phone, and dials a number.

24.

PRESIDENT JOE

Harry. I need to see you in the

Oval Office bathroom.

INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY

HARRY

Um. What can I do for you, Mr.

President?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. First of all, can we get a

urinal installed in here?

HARRY

Why don’t you just use the toilet

to urinate?

PRESIDENT JOE

Listen. I use a car phone in the

car, a crackhouse phone, in a

crackhouse, a bathroom phone in the

bathroom, and a urinal to urinate.

It makes sense.

HARRY

OK. Anything else, jackass?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah. We gotta get all these

Detroitians out of the White House.

HARRY

But where are we gonna send them?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well--I have an idea. I was in the

Air Force One the other day, flying

over one of those bullshit states,

like Iowa or Wyoming. The ones that

have like a lot of land and no

people. Why don’t we give the

Detroitians a city in one of those

states?

25.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAY

A bunch of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue.

BILL

What up, Prez?

PRESIDENT

What up? Um. How’s the barbecue

going?

BILL

Pretty good. I mean, The White

Castle ain’t Detroit--but it’ll do,

I guess.

PRESIDENT JOE

This is the White House.

BILL

If this is a house and not a

castle, then how come you got a

dungeon downstairs?

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s not a dungeon. That’s just a

basement prison where we put Ralph

Nader, and Ross Perot, and all of

those other third party guys.

BILL

That’s a dungeon. And this is a

castle.

PRESIDENT JOE

Fine. It’s the White Castle. ...

You know, it’s awfully cramped for

you guys around here, what with all

700,000 of you in one house.

BILL

Castle.

PRESIDENT JOE

Right. It’s awfully cramped here,

what with all 700,000 of you in one

small castle. I have a good idea.

How about I move you all to Iowa?

BILL

Iowa?! Do I look like a corn husker

to you? Do I look like a bottle of

Mazola corn oil? Do I look like

(MORE)

26.

BILL (cont’d)

Cornelius Vanderbilt? Do I look

like Orville Redencracker? Do I

look like the black guy from Police

Academy?

PRESIDENT JOE

Yes. You do look like the black guy

from Police Academy. Are you the

black guy from Police Academy?

BILL

No. I’m his twin brother. And the

point is, we ain’t going to no damn

Iowa. Detroit is either staying in

the White Castle, or it’s going

back to Detroit.


HARRY

So how did it go? Did they agree to

move to Iowa?

PRESIDENT JOE

No. Apparently, people from Detroit

don’t like husking corn. By the

way--we’re out of barbecue sauce.

HARRY

So what should we do?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. Apparently, we need to buy

like 30 or 40 cases of barbecue

sauce.

HARRY

I meant, what should we do about

the 700,000 people living in the

White House?

PRESIDENT JOE

How should I know? What do I look

like--Cornelius Vanderbilt?

HARRY

I don’t really get the Cornelius

Vanderbilt reference.

27.

PRESIDENT JOE

You know. Corn-nelius Vanderbilt.

HARRY

Did you take acid again?

PRESIDENT JOE

Corn-nelius Vanderbilt. The point

is, we gotta get those aliens out

of Detroit, so we can get all these

Detroitians out of the White House.

ASSISTANT

OK. I’ll arrange a meeting between

you and that alien son of a bitch.

PRESIDENT JOE

Sounds good, you white son of a

bitch.


(Later)

ALIEN

Why are we having a meeting here?

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. I wanted to show you my new

plunger.

ALIEN

What the hell is a plunger?

He holds up a plunger.

PRESIDENT JOE

One of these.

ALIEN

Oh. On my planet, we call that a

cheese grater.

PRESIDENT JOE

You use these things to grate

cheese?

ALIEN

No, dumbass. We use them to unclog

toilets.

28.

PRESIDENT JOE

So--how’s Detroit?

ALIEN

Great. Anyway, did you see the

Finale of How I Met Your Mother?

PRESIDENT JOE

Um. Yeah. It was really good.

ALIEN

What was your favorite part?

PRESIDENT JOE

All of it.

ALIEN

That was my favorite part, too.

PRESIDENT JOE

Yeah. Great. So, uh, have you ever

heard of a place called Iowa?

ALIEN

You mean the corn state?

PRESIDENT

Well, yeah. I mean, no. It’s not

just a corn state. It’s,

like--they’ve got a lot of stuff in

Iowa. They have pants, and pinball

machines, and spaghetti, and

ceilings. Most building there have

ceilings. And unlike Detroit, Iowa

doesn’t smell like piss. You know,

if you want to upgrade your living

quarters, you should pack up and

start a new city in Iowa.

ALIEN

You know, on my planet we have a

saying. "Orbity yo shorbity,

hominuh hominuh Steve Urkel rye rye

Stephan Ur-kel."

PRESIDENT JOE

What does that mean?

ALIEN

"Fuck Iowa."

29.

PRESIDENT JOE

Oh. Well. Have you ever thought of

moving to Wyoming? It’s great. It’s

nothing like Iowa.

ALIEN

What are you talking about? It’s a

bullshit state--just like Iowa.

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s true. It is a bullshit

state.

INT. US CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY

SENATOR SMITH

OK. US Congress, session 15,467.

Um. I was thinking that maybe we

should raise taxes. You know.

’Cause we need more money. Who

wants to raise taxes?

PRESIDENT JOE

Guys. I don’t mean to interrupt all

of this economy stuff, but I just

wanted to let you know that we’re

declaring war on the aliens.

SENATOR SMITH

Why?

PRESIDENT JOE

... Because... they suck.

SENATOR CRUZ

I like the aliens. The other day, I

had a nice chat with President

Alieninsky about How I Met Your

Mother. e

PRESIDENT JOE

But, um we gotta go to war against

them, and make them move back to

their planet.

SENATOR CRUZ

Why?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. You know. They, um, are,

like... they totally suck.

30.

SENATOR CRUZ

Well, Mr. President. Maybe you’re

the one who sucks.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well, Senator Cruz. Maybe you’re

the one who sucks.

SENATOR CRUZ

Well maybe we should take a vote to

see who sucks.

PRESIDENT JOE

Maybe I should kick your ass.

SENATOR CRUZ

Maybe we should impeach your ass.

SENATOR SMITH

Yeah, bro. Let’s impeach him.

SENATOR CRUZ

How does the whole impeachment

thing work again?

SENATOR SMITH

Well. The House votes on

impeachment. And if a majority of

them vote for impeachment, then it

goes to the Senate--and if at least

two third of them want the

President President gone, then we

all grab shanks and kill that

motherfucker right here, live on

C-SPAN.

SENATOR CRUZ

All right. Let’s do it. House of

Representatives--how many of you

want to impeach President Joe?

About half of the CONGRESSMEN raise their hands. Senator

Cruz quickly counts their votes.

SENATOR CRUZ

That’s 219 to 213 We win. OK.

Senate. How many of you want to get

rid of President Joe?

About half of the SENATORS raise their hands.

31.

SENATOR CRUZ

52 to 48.

SENATOR SMITH

We needed two thirds, or 67. 52

isn’t enough to get rid of him. But

we did get a majority--and that

gives us the right to tar and

feather the President.

SENATOR CRUZ

Really?

SENATOR CRUZ

Yeah. It’s in the Constitution.

Right after the part about how you

can enslave white people.


NEWS ANCHOR

And that explains why I’m wearing a

corset and playing the harmonica.

He plays a few notes on the harmonica.

NEWS ANCHOR

And in related news, President Joe

was tarred and feathered today in

Congress. This is the second

Presidential tar and feathering in

US history--the first one, of

course, taking place in 1868,

during Andrew Johnson’s

administration, as shown here on

this $20 bill.

He takes out a $20 bill, and on it, there’s a picture Andrew

Johnson covered in tar and feathers.

NEWS ANCHOR

As many of you know, Jimmy Carter

was also tarred and feathered in

1979--but that took place at a

strip club, and had nothing to do

with a Congressional impeachment

process. And who could forget the

time Ronald Reagan tarred and

feathered himself for Halloween in

1985? Say what you want about

Reagan, but that guy was really

good at trick-or-treating.

32.


President Joe is tarred and feathered.

PRESIDENT JOE

We gotta get the aliens out of

Detroit, so I can get these

Detroitians out of the White

Castle.

HARRY

Don’t you mean the White House.

PRESIDENT JOE

Whatever. Do you have any ideas on

how to get those aliens out of

Detroit?

HARRY

Well. What do we really know about

the aliens?

PRESIDENT JOE

Well. Let’s see. We know that

they’re not from earth. We know

that they’re from another planet.

We know that they’re

extra-terrestrials. And we know

that they’re aliens.

HARRY

OK. You just said the same obvious

thing in four different ways.

PRESIDENT JOE

Well how am I supposed to know

anything about the aliens? I mean,

it’s not like I hang out with them

or anything. But Senator Cruz--he

does hang out with them. Let’s see

what that white son of a bitch

knows.


President Joe is having a meeting with Senator Cruz and

Harry.

PRESIDENT JOE

OH, you white son of a bitch. What

do you know about the aliens?

33.

SENATOR CRUZ

Well. Let’s see. I know that

they’re not from earth. I know that

they’re from another planet. I know

that they’re extra-terrestrials.

And I know that they’re aliens.

PRESIDENT JOE

You just said the same obvious

thing in four different ways, you

jackass. You gotta know more than

that. I mean, you spent ten hours

chatting with their President. What

did you guys talk about?

SENATOR CRUZ

Well. We talked about how they call

a toilet plunger a cheese grater.

And we talked about Neil Patrick

Harris and How I met Your Mother.

PRESIDENT JOE

What else?

SENATOR CRUZ

That’s it.

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s all you talked about for ten

hours?

SENATOR CRUZ

Yes, Mr. President. And, let’s see.

At one point the aliens told me

their four favorite things about

earth. Number four: Detroit. Number

three: Neil Patrick Harris. Number

two: How I Met Your Mother. And

number one: Neil Patrick Harris on

How I Met Your Mother.


ALIEN

What do you want this time?

PRESIDENT JOE

There’s someone I want you to meet.

ALIEN

Who? You?

34.

PRESIDENT JOE

No. Not me.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS walks into the bathroom.

ALIEN

Neil Patrick Harris!

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

What’s going on, bro?

ALIEN

I’m just chilling. Mr. Harris--I’m

a huge fan of yours.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Please. Call me Sir Neil Patrick

Harris III.

ALIEN

OK, Sir Neil Patrick Harris

III. Let me ask you something. Did

you see the Finale of How I met

Your Mother?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Uh. Yeah. I was in it.

ALIEN

It was good--wasn’t it?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Uh. Yeah. It was so good. But you

know what’s not so good?

ALIEN

What?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Detroit.

ALIEN

Detroit’s not so good?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

It sucks.

ALIEN

Detroit sucks?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Yes. It sucks. It sucks so much

that I just called the network, and

(MORE)

35.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (cont’d)they changed the title of How I Met

Your Mother to Detroit Sucks.

ALIEN

Oh. Well. I guess Detroit does

suck. After all--you’re Sir Neil

Patrick Harris III.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

You’re damn right I am.


President Joe is having a meeting with Harry.

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. The aliens have left

Detroit, and they’re on their way

back to Anyway. And the Detroitians

have left my house, and they’re on

their way back to Detroit.

ASSISTANT

Great. So why are we still having

meetings in your bathroom?


President Joe is seated at his desk, and Harry is seated

across from him.

PRESIDENT JOE

Alright. The aliens have left

Detroit, and they’re on their way

back to Anyway. And the Detroitians

have left my house, and they’re on

their way back to Detroit.

HARRY

Great.

The camera reveals a worker installing a urinal in the oval

office.

HARRY

But why is someone installing a

urinal in here?

36.

PRESIDENT JOE

That way, I can get more work done.

I won’t have to walk to the

bathroom every time I take a piss.

Or like lets’s say I have the

President of England in here, and

he has to take a piss. He can just

do it here while we discuss NAFTA

or whatever.

HARRY

England doesn’t have a President.

PRESIDENT JOE

That’s because it’s a shitty

country--unlike America. Remind me

to say that in my next State of the

Union Address.

EXT. DETROIT STREET - DAY

A crowd of PEOPLE are gathered in front of a stage. Bill

addresses them.

BILL

Everyone. Allow me to introduce the

new mayor of Detroit. Sir Neil

Patrick Harris III.

Neil Patrick Harris walks on to the stage. Mayor Wayans is

in the front row of spectators.

MAYOR WAYANS

You’re the new Mayor of Detroit?

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Yeah.

MAYOR WAYANS

Well. You’ll be taking orders from

me. I’m the governor of Detroit.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Well. I’m fi’in to impeach your

ass.

(to Crowd)

How many of you want to impeach our

city’s governor?

About half of the crowd raises it’s hand. Neil Patrick

Harris counts their votes.

37.

NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

352,987 to 352,923. We didn’t get

two thirds--but we did get a

majority.

WHITE BACKGROUND

We see the front of a "United States of Detroit" $20 bill,

and it featured a picture of Mayor Wayans covered in tar and

feathers.

THE END

president joe (animated sitcom) - pilot episode / detroit

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