Problems, Conflict Problems, Conflict and Power in a and Power in a

marriagemarriage

What problems do young What problems do young married couples anticipate?married couples anticipate?

Communication Communication Jealousy - comes from uncertainty Jealousy - comes from uncertainty

related to today’s attitudes towards related to today’s attitudes towards relationships and greater flexibility in relationships and greater flexibility in rolesroles

Fears about adaptation to parenthoodFears about adaptation to parenthood

(according to a study done in Montreal)(according to a study done in Montreal)

What is conflict?What is conflict?

The opposition of incompatible needs The opposition of incompatible needs and principlesand principles

Conflict Theory suggests that every Conflict Theory suggests that every couple faces 3 dilemmas:couple faces 3 dilemmas:

1. individual vs collective interest1. individual vs collective interest

2. women’s rights vs male entitilement2. women’s rights vs male entitilement

3. “mine” vs “yours”3. “mine” vs “yours”

2 issues stemming from these 2 issues stemming from these dilemmasdilemmas

Division of labourDivision of labour Expressive quality of the relationshipExpressive quality of the relationship

In a companionate marriage, the goal In a companionate marriage, the goal is to maintain intimacy, so, fighting is is to maintain intimacy, so, fighting is usually about how issues affect that usually about how issues affect that balance of individual/couplebalance of individual/couple

PowerPower

Power is the ability to influence the Power is the ability to influence the behaviour of someone elsebehaviour of someone else

In relationships, the person who has In relationships, the person who has the resources that someone else the resources that someone else needs has the power (remember the needs has the power (remember the game Catan?)_game Catan?)_

Over timeOver time

Prehistoric time – power balanced – Prehistoric time – power balanced – both men and women had their jobs both men and women had their jobs to do – they needed each otherto do – they needed each other

Industrial society – men worked, Industrial society – men worked, women stayed home (their work was women stayed home (their work was less ‘valued’ because it was seen as less ‘valued’ because it was seen as unskilled) – men had the ‘power’unskilled) – men had the ‘power’

Principle of Least InterestPrinciple of Least Interest

The ability to meet the social and The ability to meet the social and emotional needs of another is the source emotional needs of another is the source of power that motivates individuals to of power that motivates individuals to reciprocate meeting each other’s needsreciprocate meeting each other’s needs

The principle of least resistance explains The principle of least resistance explains that the person with the least commitment that the person with the least commitment to the relationship holds the greatest to the relationship holds the greatest power, since the person who is more power, since the person who is more committed is more likely to give in to committed is more likely to give in to maintain the harmony of the relationshipmaintain the harmony of the relationship

Recent StudyRecent Study

People who had taken a premarriage People who had taken a premarriage course offered by the Roman Catholic course offered by the Roman Catholic church identified these problems during church identified these problems during the first 5 years of marriage:the first 5 years of marriage:

Balancing job and familyBalancing job and family Frequency of sexual relationsFrequency of sexual relations Debt brought into marriageDebt brought into marriage Husband’s employmentHusband’s employment Financial situationFinancial situation Household tasksHousehold tasks

How do men/women perceive How do men/women perceive conflictconflict

Men and women actually perceive Men and women actually perceive conflict differently:conflict differently:

Symbolic Interactionism: men and Symbolic Interactionism: men and women perceive the problems in a women perceive the problems in a marriage differently because they marriage differently because they express their emotions differentlyexpress their emotions differently

Partner ActivityPartner Activity

With a partner, discuss the following With a partner, discuss the following statements – do you agree or statements – do you agree or disagree, and why?disagree, and why?

1.1. Is housework a ‘female’ role?Is housework a ‘female’ role?

2.2. Do you think that women are more Do you think that women are more willing to make complaints and raise willing to make complaints and raise conflict in a relationship?conflict in a relationship?

3.3. Do women expect more in a Do women expect more in a marriage, and do men feel marriage, and do men feel ‘pressured’ to give?‘pressured’ to give?

Women are more likely to define Women are more likely to define themselves in terms of their themselves in terms of their relationships and how they are love, relationships and how they are love, and consequently feel more and consequently feel more responsibility for dealing with issues responsibility for dealing with issues to maintain the marriageto maintain the marriage

Another perspectiveAnother perspective

Male communication is competitive Male communication is competitive and straightforwardand straightforward

Women like to relate to others on a Women like to relate to others on a more common footing – will make more common footing – will make ‘soft’ arguments to seek support and ‘soft’ arguments to seek support and view challenge as a personal attackview challenge as a personal attack

Women complain and expect their Women complain and expect their partner to commiserate with them, partner to commiserate with them, but men tend to look for a solutionbut men tend to look for a solution

The bottom line, according to The bottom line, according to Symbolic InteractionistsSymbolic Interactionists

gendered communication patterns gendered communication patterns can interfere with solving problemscan interfere with solving problems

John GottmanJohn Gottman

Based on his own research:Based on his own research: Most marital conflict can’t be solved, Most marital conflict can’t be solved,

but it doesn’t necessarily ruin a but it doesn’t necessarily ruin a marriagemarriage

Successful conflict resolution is rarely Successful conflict resolution is rarely seen – couples need to resolve each seen – couples need to resolve each conflict as it comes along, but the conflict as it comes along, but the basic conflict is still there and will basic conflict is still there and will recurrecur

How to deal then, with How to deal then, with conflictconflict

Systems theory explains that each partner Systems theory explains that each partner needs to be willing to change their own needs to be willing to change their own behaviour in order to maintain stability in behaviour in order to maintain stability in the relationshipthe relationship

Gottman:Gottman: Couples that remain together tackle Couples that remain together tackle

specific problems in a positive manner – specific problems in a positive manner – and allow themselves to be influenced by and allow themselves to be influenced by their partner, and giving in to the their partner, and giving in to the relationship when necessaryrelationship when necessary

Money, Housework and PowerMoney, Housework and Power Read the next section on p. 218 and Read the next section on p. 218 and

answer these questions:answer these questions: 1. According to symbolic interactionism, 1. According to symbolic interactionism,

what affects satisfaction in a relationship?what affects satisfaction in a relationship? 2. Why do men have greater power?2. Why do men have greater power? How is this different in dual-income How is this different in dual-income

relationships?relationships? 3. How has labour-division in the home 3. How has labour-division in the home

changed since 1965?changed since 1965? 4.Describe peer marriage4.Describe peer marriage 5. Read case study on p. 220-221 and 5. Read case study on p. 220-221 and

answer questions #1-3, p. 221answer questions #1-3, p. 221