Shubnell’s Profound Thoughts

Book 5

Great Thoughts from Great Minds about Love, Marriage, Children,

and the Sexes for

Executives, Speakers, Writers, and just about Everyone

Thomas F. Shubnell, Ph.D.

Shubnell’s Profound Thoughts Book 5© 2010, Thomas F. Shubnell. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Making copies of any part of this book for any purpose other than your own personal use is a violation of United States copyright laws. Entering any of the contents into a computer for mailing list or database purposes is strictly prohibited unless written authorization is obtained from the owner.

ISBN 145059400X EAN 9781450594004

Cover and interior design by TFS

Autohagiography

If you enjoy this, you will also love, “Gracious Me . . . Is Nothing Sacred.” A non-sectarian and hilarious look at all religions from the beginning of time. It truly proves that laughter is good for the soul.

Medical humor abounds in the best selling “Medical Humor” medical nonsense to tickle your funnybone. A great collection of medical funny stuff, including stories, jokes, and hilarious pictures and cartoons.

Another wacky book, “Men vs. Women, a Book of Lists” examines life from a different perspective and tells it all - the differences between the sexes are real and funny.

Speaking of wacky, why not read, “Number One book of Wacky Lists”, a hilarious compendium of lists from the sublime to the absurd. Interesting facts and bits of wisdom, humor, and just plain common sense. Something for everyone to enjoy.

Even more fun can be found in “The Best of Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky,” a collection of the best Terrible Tommy and Yucky Chucky jokes of all time.

More hilarious reading can be found in “Giggles, Gags, and Quips, Special Picks” a collection of the best jokes, pictures, billboards, stories, and cartoons.

Also collect all the “Greatest Jokes of the Century” series of books. 25 wildly funny and hilarious compendiums of the greatest jokes, tidbits, stories, and trivia that are sure to induce uncontrollable laughter. The best bathroom reading since Readers Digest.

Don’t forget to collect the rest of the Profound Thoughts series.

All written by Thomas F. Shubnell and available online or at your favorite bookstore, or as ebooks.

You might also enjoy my blog at shubsthoughts.blogspot.com

Table of Contents

Love ................................................................................... 7 Love ........................................................................... 8

Marriage ...........................................................................23 Marriage ....................................................................24

Children............................................................................57 Children .....................................................................58

The Sexes ..........................................................................85 The Sexes ..................................................................86

Index .................................................................................99 Index........................................................................100

Love

7

Love

Love

8

LOVE

If your heart is full of love, you always have something to give.

Love can be divided endlessly and still not diminish.

When love and skill work together expect a masterpiece.

We have a lot in common. I love you and you love me.

A life without love is like a year without summer.

There are spaces between our fingers so that another person’s fingers can fill them in.

A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle.

Don’t look for love; give love, and you will find love looking for you.

Too many people believe in loss of love at first slight.

With the peekaboo dresses, see-through blouses, and miniskirts, there is no longer any such thing as a blind date.

If the world seems cold to you, kindle caring fires to warm it.

Love describes the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to, woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

Kindling romances require good matches.

Sex is a flame which uncontrolled may scorch; properly guided, it will light the torch of eternity.

Love is the most beautiful discovery of all, one that is meant to be shared by two.

Love

9

A sign pinned to a dress of a pregnant woman at a masquerade ball, ‘I should have danced all night’.

Love is when the other person’s happiness is more important than your own.

Once you have learned to love, you have learned to live.

Don’t trust a woman who doesn’t close her eyes when you kiss her.

Sex appeal is fifty percent what you have and fifty percent what people think you have.

If you want to find love, instead of looking for ways to attract it, lose all that’s in you that repulses it.

Love is a many - mended thing.

We can do without being loved, but we cannot afford to live without love.

The first duty of love is to listen.

In living, have compassion, let loving be your aim. The crying of your enemy and your brother sound the same.

If you wish to be loved, show more of your faults than your virtues.

To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another.

It is not 1ove we should have painted as blind, but self love.

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they are still alive.

I love women. I don’t understand them, but I love them.

Love is life. Everything else either adds to or detracts from it.

Love must be re-grown from time-to-time.

One cannot love what he cannot respect, whether it is himself or another.

Love

10

Beauty is in the sigh of the beholder.

You can try to teach people what love is by loving them, but they will never know what love is until they love someone.

People bemoan the fact that love doesn’t last; neither does an ice cream cone, but it is delicious while it does.

It is not how much one does for another that counts, but how much love one does it with.

Love is like life insurance, the older you get, the more it costs.

You cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it.

If you’re trying to learn to love, start with something easy, like children.

To want to be with someone all the time is infatuation. To have to be with someone all the time is obsession. To feel you are with someone all the time whether you are or not, is love.

If you want to be loved, you have to be worth loving.

Love is a condition of the mind at a time when the mind is out of condition.

A heart is judged not by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

Hatred spews from the mouths of the unloved.

Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.

Cherish the one you are with, rather than fantasize about the one you might meet tomorrow.

Love is blind; it actually sees more, but is willing to see less.

Real love begins when nothing is expected in return.

Love

11

True love doesn’t consist of holding hands - it consists of holding hearts.

Love is free, but requires a lifetime of dedication.

Some things are loved because they are valuable, people are valuable because they are loved.

Love lures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

Love does not make the world go round: It is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Everybody needs a hug - it changes your metabolism.

Age does not protect you from love, but love protects you from age.

Where there is love there is life.

Unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.

Love should be cherished, not wasted.

Thinking of you helps me see the beauty of each day.

You can give without loving, but you can not love without giving.

It’s the nature of love to work in a thousand different ways.

On a game show, a contestant was asked to name a great time saver. The reply, “Love at first sight.”

No one love is adequate for life; our lives are given color by the many people we love.

Time may heal all wounds, but love will do it quicker.

Of course I remember my first love, it was chocolate.

Love

12

Love begins when the needs of someone else become more important than your own.

Love that has nothing but beauty to keep it in good health, is short lived.

Those who have learned to love most have learned to forgive most.

Self-love is the worst enduring passion.

The time we waste trying to discover what life is all about could be spent loving someone and finding out.

Love is wanting life’s best for another, even if it does not include you.

If you cannot love people, find something about them to like, when they like you for it, you will love them.

Love never looks to see what it is going to get in return.

We too often love things and use people, when we should be using things and loving people.

Loving is easy. It’s the living together that is so damn hard.

There is no shame in crying, only in not feeling.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.

If you have not loved, you have not lived.

An honest answer is a kiss on the lips.

Give the gift of love, it’s returnable.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give, which is everything.

Time endears, but cannot fade, the memories that love has made.

Love

13

If at first you don’t succeed - try a little ardor.

I find as I grow older that I love those most, whom I loved first.

Fear is useless, faith is necessary, love is everything.

Love is not lost if you give it away.

Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

Life is too short for resentment, not nearly long enough for love.

Teach your hands to help and your heart to love.

Love those who add to your life, and love those who subtract from it. Each has taught you something; the former show you how to live, the latter, how not to.

The heart that loves is always young.

We never know how much we need to be loved until we are.

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.

The morning of life consists simply of loving truly, and being truly loved.

In labors of love, every day is payday.

When there is love in the home, there is joy in the heart.

Hold those you love with open hands.

Love is a disease that begins with a fever and ends with a pain.

Nature has never betrayed her lovers.

You maintain a house with paint and plaster. You maintain a home with love.

Love and time are the only two things that cannot be bought, but only spent.

Love

14

Love is always an appropriate gift.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by you again?

The worst thing in life to be without is love.

The heart has its reasons, which reason does not understand.

Faults are thick where love is thin.

The fate of love is that it always seems too little or too much.

A life with love is happy; a life for love is foolish.

The love you invest in others is like the rays of the sun hitting a polished mirror - its warmth will be reflected back to you throughout a lifetime.

What is stitched with love will never tear.

Love is the only game at which two can play and both can win.

The heart holds things the mind forgets.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.

Tears are God’s way of melting a heart that is frozen with grief.

The riches that are in the heart can never be stolen.

Love enriches; it doesn’t rehabilitate.

If your heart is full of love, you always have something to give.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

We pardon as long as we love.

Love

15

Some think it is holding on that makes us strong, sometimes it is letting go.

It is better to have loved and lost - provided no alimony is involved.

Imagine how much faster it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition.

Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit.

Love is like taking a picture; you are never sure how it will turn out.

Your feet will bring you to where your heart is.

The best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, so can the deepest love turn to the deadliest hate.

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

No disguise can long conceal love where it exists, or long feign love where it is lacking.

When you are with someone who is supportive and adores you, it cannot help but make you feel and look younger.

Love unspoken is like a letter written, but not mailed.

Love is never so blind as hate.

Romance lives by repetition, and repetition converts an appetite into an art.

You cannot put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

Sometimes you should just let your heart decide and deal with reality later.

Love cannot be wasted. It makes no difference where it is bestowed; it always brings in big returns.

Love

16

The heart that loves is always young.

.

Love is like a bazaar - the admittance is free, but it costs you something before you get out.

To find riches is a beggar’s dream, but to find love is the dream of kings.

Those who think revenge is sweet have never tasted love.

You can love someone and still not like him very much.

Love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay, love is not love until you give it away.

Love is the stepping stone to new beginnings.

When one is in love, one begins by deceiving oneself, and one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls romance.

Absence sharpens love, but presence strengthens it.

With true love and friendship, forgiveness can recur any number of times.

Before your gifts are all wrapped up and gaily ribbon-tied, do not forget to tuck a lot of love inside.

Love at first sight often takes place in front of a mirror.

If music is the food of love, play on.

Having someone tell you she loves you and having someone show you she loves you are two completely different things.

Love starts when another person’s needs become more important than your own.

If love isn’t taught in the home, it is difficult to learn it anywhere else.

Love is not something you look for, it is something you give.

Love

17

Love is the only fire against which there is no insurance.

You cannot make someone love you; all you can do is be someone who can be loved. After that, it’s up to them.

The sweetest of all sounds is the voice of the person we love.

A house is made of bricks and stone, but a home is made of love alone.

When you really love someone, you need to care enough to confront, but in ways that have positive energy and show respect.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

When you love someone, you see with your heart instead of your eyes.

We do not have to love. We choose to love.

Love is the only game that is not called because of darkness.

To live without loving is not really to live.

Love is a word consisting of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Would you love me if my father left me a fortune? I would love you, whoever left you a fortune.

People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.

Love is a basket with five loaves and two fishes. It doesn’t start to multiply until you give it away.

With love, patience, and effort, we can make a tree become something beautiful we can enjoy at Christmas. With love, patience, and effort, we can make a child become something beautiful we can enjoy for a lifetime.

Some women love only what they can hold in their arms; others, only what they cannot.

Love

18

These days, the three little words most often seen and heard are not “I love you,” but “batteries not included.”

Love is always an appropriate gift.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

Love makes time pass, but sometimes time makes love pass.

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones.

Love is like dizziness; it won’t let a body go about his business.

It is the simple things in life that make living worthwhile - love and duty, work and rest, and living close to nature.

Love is the glue that holds the universe together.

If you would be loved, love and be lovable.

There is no limit for much love a heart can hold.

The perfect gift is not tied with a ribbon and bow, it comes front the heart, through the love we show.

Don’t waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead create the perfect love.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

They say you will never be lonely from the start of each day to its end, if you walk life‘s pathway with love in your heart, and side by side with a friend.

Love is like a friendship caught on fire.

It takes a second to say I love you, but a lifetime to show it.

When you love a woman, you see your world inside her eyes.

Love many, trust few, but always paddle your own canoe.

Love

19

Love grants in a moment, what toil can hardly achieve in an lifetime.

Love is an attempt to change a dream into reality.

You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.

To love and be loved - it is the privilege of the gods.

Enlightenment comes when one switches from love of power to the power of love.

Love is not singular, except in syllable.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

It’s not premarital sex if you don’t plan to get married.

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.

Love is making your soul mate your sole mate.

The love of our neighbor is the only door out of the dungeon of self.

I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex and minus reason.

Respect is what we owe, love is what we give.

The mind is what should listen, but it is the heart that should speak.

Be an equal opportunity hugger.

Home is where you are loved - even by those who know all about you.

Love

20

Love sews a bond that time can never tear.

You know you are in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Love is a feeling we find appealing.

Beauty is not with the face; beauty is a light in the heart.

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control.

Old people in love are like flowers in winter.

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and painted by imagination.

It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Love is like time; if you give it just one moment, it will last forever.

Love is the poetry of the senses.

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

Woman reaches love through friendship; man reaches friendship through love.

A true love story has many commas, but never a full stop.

People save lives, but love rescues souls.

Poetry spills from the cracks of a broken heart, but flows from one which is loved.

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles.

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That’s basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

Love

21

Confucius says: Lovers in triangle not on square.

You know you are in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Affections cannot keep their youth any more than men.

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

Let your heart see what your eyes cannot.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

Lovers of the body soon go away, but lovers of the heart last forever.

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.

To love you must be willing to let go, to let go you must be willing to love.

Follow love and it will flee; flee love and it will follow thee.

In the end, we don’t regret loving too much. We regret loving too little.

Women want to be loved for what they are and men for what they accomplish.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

The great tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love.

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.

Love

22

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.

The time we have to share our love is brief, it lasts only a lifetime.

LOVE IS. . . Letting him think he thought of it first. Letting him read the newspaper first. Wearing the tie she bought for your birthday. Biting your tongue when she left your new spade out in the rain. Praying together. The first kiss in the morning. Letting him have the last sip of wine. Spending every spare minute together.

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye opener.

Real love stories never have endings.

Marriage

23

Marriage

Marriage

24

MARRIAGE

Marriage is tying the knot with a beau.

A wedding is where two people agree to become one; Marriage is the process of deciding which one.

Marriage is like a card game. You start with a pair, he shows a diamond, she shows a flush, and eventually you end up with a full house.

Courting hasn’t changed much in 2,000 years; ancient Greek women used to sit around all evening and listen to a lyre, too.

No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes.

Warm hearts, not hot heads maintain the right temperature at home.

Choose your life’s mate carefully, from this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

Marrying for love is risky, but God smiles on it.

To keep things interesting, hide an “I love you” note in your spouse’s pocket.

A foolish girl may make a lover a husband, but it takes a clever woman to keep a husband a lover.

Marriage is a practical joke love plays on us.

Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

It matters little who wears the pants in the family just as long at there is money in the pockets.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.

Marriage

25

Marriage has three rings - The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

A married man learns to resolve many problems, many of which he would not have had if he had not been married.

When your wife says that it wouldn’t cost anything just to look at it, you have practically bought it.

Marriages are made in Heaven, but so is thunder and lightning.

Test-tube babies take away the best part of getting pregnant - dinner and a movie.

No wife can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.

A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband than she did, but she knows that her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.

When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there is a reason.

Nothing reminds a woman of something she wants done so much as seeing her husband sitting down.

My marriage is a 50/48 basis. I never can get my two cents in.

Marriages may be made in heaven, but they are tested here on earth.

Show me a flying saucer and I will show you an irritated housewife.

A small town is where everyone knows whose check is good and whose husband is not.

Marriage is like a sandwich - the more you add to it, the better it becomes.

Marriage

26

A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

When two divorced people get married, four get into bed.

A happily married man is one who can go to a party with his wife exuding the same enthusiasm as he does on leaving for a fishing trip without her.

My wife buys things for the same reason some people climb a mountain, because it’s there.

A wife with horse sense never becomes a nag.

She stood in front of the television as her husband watched football on a Sunday afternoon, folded her arms and looked him in the eye and said, “Play me or trade me.”

A wife is a person whose boiling point is also her freezing level.

A smart man never interrupts his wife, unless it is to tell her that he agrees with her.

My wife doesn’t care what I do when I am away as long as I don’t have fun.

Some relatives wear out their welcome on the way in.

For Sale - Diamond engagement ring worth $1,695. He wasn’t worth two cents.

My wife was recently awarded a black belt in shopping.

Home is a place where a man can say what he pleases, because nobody pays any attention to him.

Marriage is like the Bible. You have to take most of it on faith.

It should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced.

Marriage

27

An old-fashioned marriage is one that outlasts the wedding gifts.

I have been married 30 years, and still in love with the same woman. . . If my wife finds out, she will kill me.

An old-fashioned man is one who takes a second honeymoon with a first wife.

Many a man falls in love with a dimple and makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

A wise man never plants more than his wife can hoe.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A woman’s place is in the home, and she should go there right after work.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

More important than the kind of house you live in is what kind of you is living in the house.

Did you ever notice that a man who eats the same breakfast every day for 30 years will complain if you serve him the same dinner twice in a week.

America would never have been discovered if Columbus had been married: “You are going where? With whom? To find what? And I suppose she’s giving you those three ships for nothing?

A man’s home is his hassle.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

When a man is singing in the shower, it means his wife hasn’t used up all the hot water.

Marriage

28

A house is a place to store furniture. A home is a place to store memories.

Home is where a man goes when he is tired of being nice to people.

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

What is a man’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so she can vacuum.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.

When a woman lowers her voice, she wants something. If she raises it, it’s a sign that she didn’t get it.

A man who doesn’t have a will of his own can always marry one.

Some people get married because the dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage.

Advice for a tranquil marriage: Try to overlook more and oversee 1ess.

Intuition isn’t scientific, but it’s the best of all lie detectors,

Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

No man has ever been accused of exaggerating, by calling his wife the most beautiful woman in the world.

The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is like a pair of shears: Oft times working in opposite directions, but punishing anyone that comes between them.

Marriage

29

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest, never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principal of equal partnership.

Spring housecleaning is about as much fun as hugging a cactus.

One thing about being married - your mistakes never go unnoticed.

Marriage is like a cafeteria. You pick out something that looks good and pay for it down the line.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong.

He paid for bigamy, it stuck in his craw. The price of polygamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Only in marriage - When you are with me, you are killing me. When you are not, I am dying.

100% of all divorces begin with marriage.

Marriage: A community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, totaling two.

Quite often a wife can be a pearl. It’s the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble.

They say love is blind and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.

Remember when, “How many times does a girl get married?” Was a rhetorical question?

Marriage

30

The idea of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

Someone once asked why women don’t gamble as much as men. They do; women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

Some men and women marry for love, some for money, and many for a short time.

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.

Those who say ‘you can’t take it with you’ would really flip if they ever saw our car packed for a vacation trip.

Loving is easy. It’s the living together that is so difficult

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second hand furniture.

The reason that bigamy is against the law is probably because you cannot serve two masters at one time.

Why waste money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

If the woman wears the pants in the family - her husband’s mistress will wear the diamonds.

I am a firm believer in getting married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out you haven’t wasted a whole day.

He took misfortune like a man, he blamed it on his wife.

A man gets married due to lack of judgment, divorced due to a lack of patience, and remarried due to lack of memory.

Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart.

Marriage

31

If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your wife told you.

Considering the family tree, it is not how high it reaches, but rather, how well the nuts are hidden.

The best way to remember an anniversary is to forget one.

He got new golf clubs for my wife. I wish I could make a trade like that.

Marriage is a lot like living in an earthquake zone. You never know when some little fault will shake the whole house.

A clean house is the sign of a wasted life.

Your marriage is in trouble when your wife suggests you sleep in separate time zones.

A mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law in one house are like two cats in a bag.

A happy marriage is one in which a man kisses his wife at the door when he leaves in the morning as well as when he returns in the afternoon.

Vacations are definitely educational. You learn a lot spending two weeks in a compact car with the ones you thought you loved most.

Statistics clearly point out that most family problems are relatives.

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

Every husband and wife knows that when one loses their temper, the other catches it.

All journeys fall into one of two categories, to home or from home.

Despite the number of people in a family, a mother’s opinion constitutes a majority.

Marriage

32

The girl who married a man to mend his ways is likely to learn he is not worth a darn.

A marriage license, like a fishing license, doesn’t guarantee a prize catch.

A truly happy marriage is one in which the woman gives the best years of her life to the man who makes them the best years.

Things balance out - your friend’s troubles aren’t as bad as yours, but his relatives are worse.

Making a marriage work is a lot like farming; it requires constant attention, seven days and nights each week.

So what if the grass is so much greener on the other side of the fence? Chances are you wouldn’t want their water bill.

The only time a husband can be sure he is right is when he admits he is wrong.

Anybody who has been married more than ten minutes has had to forgive somebody for something.

Everybody makes mistakes, but husbands learn about them sooner.

The one thing marriage manuals should state as gospel fact, squeezing toothpaste in the middle is considered a hostile act.

Few men believe in dreams after they marry one.

The quickest way to learn how to do it yourself is to criticize your wife doing it.

I got my wife a microwave. Now she ruins my meals in half the time.

Psychiatrists tell us women tend to marry men like their fathers. Now we know why mothers cry at weddings.

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Never forget your wife’s birthday - and never remember which one it is.

I wish my wife would finish her holiday shopping. I’m dying to know what I got her.

An advantage of poverty: Your relatives gain nothing by your death.

Christmas is when family ties bring people together, and they come in all sizes and colors.

Family reunions are when people travel from the four corners of the earth to get together with all the relatives they have moved to the four corners of the earth to get away from.

The marriage counselor said he wanted to hear both sides of the story, so she told him.

Be it ever so costly, there’s no place like home.

Marry you and take your name? Are you crazy? I don’t want people to call me George.

Where there’s a well, there’s a flock of hungry relatives.

My mother-in-law comes every Christmas and stays until the New Year. Don’t complain. My Mother-in-law comes every New Year and stays until Christmas.

Nothing can make the family car look depreciated more than having a neighbor who buys a new one.

Gifts from relatives and friends are usually of two types: those you do not like and those you do not get.

My husband graciously opened the car door for me, unfortunately, we were going 60 M.P.H. at the time.

The family you come from is not as important as the family you are going to have.

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It is not always wise to shake a family tree. You don’t know what kind of nuts will fall out.

The quickest way to find out what is on your wife’s mind is to sit yourself down in a comfortable chair.

Happy is the man who marries a good cook, has good digestion, and a fat bank account.

The best way to praise your mate is often.

It is better to have loved and lost - provided no alimony is involved.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

Home is where others rarely say they love you, but deep down in your heart you know they do.

Nothing strikes terror in the heart of the experienced husband like the words, “We have to talk.”

If family members expressed how they really felt, more in-laws would be outlaws.

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they usually do a good pruning job.

Did you know that two out of three mattresses bought in America last longer than the marriages?

I think it is important for one to start off with a good first marriage.

Our divorce rate might be lower if we spent as much time preparing for the marriage as we do for the wedding.

Why should you never marry a tennis player? Love means nothing to them.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week for a little

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A happy home is where both mates think they have better than they deserve.

candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Marriage is a high stakes game. If you lose, you have to come up with alimony. If you win, you have to come up with guitar lessons, orthodontist payments, and college tuition.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

He that speaks ill of his wife dishonors himself.

In a courtship the heart beats so loudly it blocks out the sound from the brain.

Some relatives are like fires; the sooner they are out, the better.

An altar is a place where a bachelor loses control of himself.

When a man makes a woman his wife, it is the highest compliment he can pay to her and it is usually the last.

Some say redheads have more violent tempers than blondes or brunettes, but my wife has been all three and I can’t tell the difference.

Who was braver than Lancelot, wiser than Socrates, more honorable than Lincoln, wittier than Mark Twain, and more handsome than Apollo? My wife’s first husband.

The trouble with relaxing in your own home is that no matter where you sit it seems you are looking at something that you should be doing.

Be kind to your mother-in-law, babysitters are expensive.

A mother’s patience is like a tube of toothpaste; it is never quite all gone.

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The best way to wake up with a smile on your face is to go to bed with one already there.

The family is the test of freedom; because the family is the only thing that the free man makes for himself and by himself.

Getting married is a good deal like going into a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has and you wish you had taken that.

A full cabin is better than an empty castle.

Years ago, people got married, but they couldn’t stand living together. Today people live together, but can’t stand getting married.

Family reunions leave us with precious memories, and food for thought.

There are two kinds of wives; those who look forward to their husbands coming home from work, and others who look forward to them going to work.

It isn’t grooming as much as character that makes a woman a lady.

Marriage changes passion, suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows, he was so excited, he thought they had expired.

The only time a woman really listens to her husband is when he talks in his sleep.

Too many people serve turkey, yams, dressing, and pickled relatives during the Holidays.

Treat your spouse’s family as you would like them to treat yours.

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In marriage, being the right person is just as important as finding the right person.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Your kitchen isn’t clean until your sink is clean.

Most people won’t see the rest of your house, but they will surely take home an impression of you from your front door.

If your bed is made and your dishes washed, your house is in good shape.

I will always love you, but sometimes I don’t like you.

If you wish to be treated as a lady, you must act like a lady.

It doesn’t matter what is on the outside, as long as you have a lady’s heart.

Always remember, it isn’t the way the outside of a house looks, but what goes on inside.

Marriage is like anything else in life that is challenging - The harder you work, the luckier you get.

Having a mate who nags is good for your health.

One day I decided not to let unimportant things annoy me, so I asked her to move out.

A retired husband is a wife’s full-time job.

Thrift is a wonderful virtue - especially in an ancestor.

Why does the cooing stop after the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever?

It may be clothes that make the man, but it’s usually the woman who picks them out.

I wasn’t always depressed. I had everything, power, wealth, the love of a beautiful woman, and then my wife found out.

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A wife who nags too much may soon discover a husband who horses around.

There are two periods in life when a man thinks seriously about marriage, before the wedding and before the divorce.

Plumber to housewife, “I found your problem, it’s your husband.

The next time you are tempted to criticize your wife’s judgment, remember she married you,

Man, “I would like some flowers for my wife. What can I get for five dollars?” Florist, “How about some seeds?”

The only thing that makes a woman happy about putting on an old dress is the fact that she still can.

Marriage is an expensive way to get free advice.

Bachelors have no idea what married bliss is, and that’s also true of many husbands.

Do you remember when all kitchen tools were cordless.

A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.

Home is that warm feeling you get when you walk in the door and everyone ignores you.

Chivalry is man’s instinct to protect women from everyone but himself.

Most marriages are not made in heaven; they come in ‘His and Her’ kits and have to be put together.

Marriage is the only thing that affords a woman the pleasure of company and the perfect sensation of solitude at the same time.

The reason there are so many June weddings is that it’s hard to think in the heat.

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Marriage will always be popular. There is no other state in which an adult can be certain that someone is worrying about him and wishing him well, while being mad at him at the same time.

Family harmony takes understanding, patience and at least two TV sets.

Marriage is like a lottery. The only problem is, you can’t tear up your ticket if you lose.

Some bachelors balk at getting married because they think the word husband sounds too similar to ‘has been’.

Have you heard about a new kind of home entertainment? It’s called conversation.

All forms of gambling are frowned upon by preachers, except marriage.

Marriage is for those who don’t like eating leftovers alone.

Feminists know what kind of man they want to marry. The problem is there aren’t enough wimps to go around.

Stand up to your spouse, or all is lost; he who hesitates is bossed.

The lady who remembers her first kiss has a grand-daughter who can’t remember her first husband.

A commitment to marriage these days is ‘until disappointments’.

Ever notice how nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall.

Marriage is dedicated to the proposition that all men are berated equal.

A woman never knows what kind of husband she doesn’t want until she marries him.

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After a man gets married it doesn’t take him long to learn that half of the time she is right and the other half he is wrong.

Paying alimony is like having the TV set on after you have fallen asleep.

I have a glowworm marriage - the glow is gone, but the worm remains.

One big difference between outlaws and in-laws is that outlaws don’t promise to pay it back.

A husband who gets breakfast in bed is usually in the hospital.

Marriages are like a do-it-yourself kit with no instructions.

A family vacation is when you take along everyone you need the vacation from.

An old-fashioned woman is a gal who tries to make one husband last a lifetime.

Never give your wife an ironing board for Christmas.

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.

Give a spouse an inch and they will take the whole bed.

Wife to Husband, “It is just for a short time, dear. Mother is going to stay with us until you decide to move out.

When you were a child, it was your parents who told you what time to get home, now it is the babysitter.

I didn’t want to marry him for his money; it’s just that there was no other way to get it.

My wife is my credit card. I won’t leave home without her.

“It’s Mother’s Day, we are going to serve you breakfast in bed, so you better get up and fix it.”

Bride, “I can live on your salary, but what about you?”