ClFASS

Volume XXI 1983

FASS or Fiction

Linda CDirected by

arson

FASS 62..H234817 19831111!;; of

!IIa311d7 004317143b

noticeYou can't smoke in the theatre because the fire marshal

doesn't want to be responsible if you get lung cancer. You can'teat or drink refreshments in the theatre because the theatremanagement doesn't want to contribute to anyone's obesity. Youcan't use cameras during the performance lest you disturb theGrorninplatz. You can't use a tape recorder either, the script iscopyrighted by the people we stole it from. Thank you forobserving these rules. Violators will be fined and have theirborrowing privileges revoked.

Copyright 1983, by The FASS Theatre Company.All Rights Reserved.

No part of this performance may be reproduced, stored in aretrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means,electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise,unless you really want to.

Twenty-First Printing, 1983

Library of Humour Catalogue Number SCH-234B

CR Subject Classification F-unn-y

Printing and Binding: Graphic Services

This book is typeset in Meteor 10 point type, with Bocklinheadings

Chapter 'I

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

The Play............ .... • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • *

lest of Character/5 O ... ..... ***** . *********

Technical and 6tage Wizards........ .....

dome Important Messages .. ***** ..........

Our Warm ........................... 10

Table 0! contentsPreace

'ME Friaz COZWITTI YEEPresident Gillian TeichertVice-President Terry BarnaSecretary P. Jayne ForbesTreasurer Elisa Kreller

Director Linda CarsonProducer Linda EickmeierHead Scriptwriter Steve HuttonTechnical Directors Carol Lynch, Brenda Parsons

Faculty Rep Kelly S. BoothAdministration Rep Peter FraserStaff Rep Peter CaretteStudent Rep John McMullen

Past President Jim GardnerPast Director Brian-G M artinPast Producer Betsy WimbsPast Scriptwriter Marney HeatleyPast Technical Director Alex Kordics

Honourary M embers .Doug Crichton, Tom Hocaliuk

Preface The Irna committee.......... it. ..........

The 3cript WritersThe following cheerful folk spent most of the past fall term

telling each other jokes and thinking up bad puns. Some of thismaterial ended up in our script. The remainder, well, try usagain next year!

Kim Adkins Rose AleksicLawrence Brundrett Peter CooRod Currie Wendy GoerRonald Green William HughesSteve Hutton Jim Jordan.Duffy Knox John McMullenBernie Roehl Chris StoneBrad Templeton David TillDerek Wilkanson The Unknown TechieZort

People Zeen a1 Wrifer"5 MeetingsTerry Barna, Ed Capkun, Linda. Carson, Brain Damage, JohnDubois, Jim Gardner, Marney Heatley, Brian-G Martin, GuyMiddleton, James Puttick, Jamie Roberts, Gillian Teichert

Ii

Chapter 1: 1TE KAY

Ref One

I:0 Party of the First PartDedicated to the Evil Fairy, the Goddess of Discord, and allthose others who never got invited to the party.

1:1 Oz Well That Ends WellDedicated to the spirit of Saturday morning cartoons whichchanged the Munchkins to Smurfs, Tato to Scrappy Doo, andthe Tin Woodsman to C3P0 -- how hath the mighty fallen!

1:2 The mourning Mter the Plight BeforeDedicated to psychoanalysis, Peter Sellers, and the OntarioPork Marketing Board.

1:3 Zpace: Odd, SeeDedicated to Gene Roddenberry and the far-sightedprogramming executives of NBC.

1:4 T1 Forest her Wood Go Great ilereDedicated to Errol Flynn and Marvin Hamlisch, notnecessarily in that order.

1:5 There's o Place Like RomeDedicated to the diligent teachers of Latin who for tencenturies have devoted themselves to the task of coming upwith a persuasive argument why Latin is not a deadlanguage.

IntermissionThis is where the intermission should be, if the stagemanager remembers. We can but hope...

nct Two

11:1 herpes, the Love BugDedicated to anyone who can figure out why we chose thistitle for this scene (beyond the compulsion to make cheapbut trendy jokes).

11:2 Ftpc Up or sheep OutDedicated to Keith Johnstone, inventor of Theatresports, whoknows that theatre is not heroes being heroic or villainsbeing villainous, but people being human...or not.

11:3 Ft Monhey Wench in the WorksDedicated to Herman Melville and those indefatigablemonkeys who valiantly return to FASS year after year in thehope of finally transcending their role as tired plot devices(better luck in '84, guys).

11:4 What's Zo Good Tibour Being Bad?Dedicated to Ray Charles, the economists of Canada, and all others who must work perpetually in the dark.

II:5 Life, the University and EverythingDedicated to the makers of dry ice, dry humour, and drymartinis, shaken not stirred.

1

Chapter 2: CR3T OF CMTilleTEE3Adolf Hitler John WendellAnn T hr ax Cindy Marie BelliveauArtificial Intelligence Apparatus Brad TempletonAustin Space .Alexandra McGovernBarbie Queue Sheryl WanselBenny Endejets Terry BarnaBrutus Jim RobertsonCandy Cane Elisa KrellerCaptain Hook Rod CurrieCaptain Oneliner Joy FentonCassius Michael LongfieldCaterpillar Peter CaretteChekov. Phil TaylorCosmic Bookmark Gillian TeichertCount Dracula Ken LynchCowardly Lion Jenny ThiersCy Chotic Geo SwanDan DeSword Chuck PeerenDarth Vader Reid MowatDavy Jones Chris StoneDoctor McCoy Don LapierreDoctor Strange Glove Gillian TeichertDon Corleone John WendellDorothy Alyson KnightDracula Ken LynchDr. Watson Bernie RoehlDuffy Knox himselfDuke Strvhazard Chuck PeerenEarl E. Debed Kim AdkinsEarl E. Denise .Aruna HandaEd McMahon Joy FentonElena Dale Meryn CadellEsther Terrestrial Sandi McLeodFranklin Stein Drew PostFriar Tuckshop Brad TempletonGlinda the Good Witch Rachel CapstickGorilla My Dreams .Aruna HandaGreat Librarian Ian! AllenHenry Higgins Andrew WelchHerbie Simplex John McMullenHolly Day Jenny ThiersHope Chest Sandi McLeodHugh Dunnit Bonnie Lynch

Hugh G. Rection Janice VandenbergHugh Lytupmylife Michael LongfieldHugh Manitease Lindsay DrakeInspector Clouseau Ken LynchIrwin Toy The Celebrity Janitor of the NightJack the Flipper Jim RobertsonJack the Gipper Michael LongfieldJack the Ripper Chris StoneJack the Stripper Meryn CadellJames W. Bond John W. BastJay Walker Terry BarnaJohnny Carson Linda CarsonJulienne Fries Joy FentonKen Gineer Peter CaretteKit Zophrenic Donald HeathLittle John Reid MowatLittle Pig David Welbourn

Lone Ranger Gene DalianMarc Antony Rod CurrieMarvin the Paranoid Tin Man Peter CooMary Poppins Elizabeth SoanesMata Hari Alexandra McGovernMatt Matician Barb SimmonsMaureen Biology Lindsay DrakeMaxwell Silverhammer Joy FentonMike Nesmith.. Jim RobertsonMr. Spock Andrew WelchMrs. Robinson Mary Lynn DesRochesMs. Marian Alyson KnightNurse Chapel Heather IrvinePenny Smightier P Jayne ForbesPerry Noid David WelbournPhillip Street Donald HeathQuasimodo Brien AshdownRadio Voice Tom HocaliukRay D. O'Station Jill FleischmanBay Sings& ipes Jill FleischmanRobin Hood Chuck PeerenRobot P. Jayne ForbesRocky Gibraltar Donald HeathRoget Thesaurus Barb SimmonsScarecrow David WelbournScott Towels Brien AshdownScotty Ken LynchSheriff of Nottingham Brien Ashdown

011

41,

Soothsayer Gillian TeichertStan the Man. Terry BarnaSuzie Queue Meri-Ellen McGoeyTheodore Sports Lindsay DrakeTitus Adrummus Chris StoneToyoda Brad TempletonVal E. Girl Margaret EatonWicked Witch of the West Bonnie LynchWill Robinson Peter CooWilliam Shakespeare Brian-G MartinWizard of Oz Geo SwanYul B. Sorry Rod Currie

Throngs of TalentEvil Dancers

Kim Adkins, Meryn Cadell, Heather Irvine, Alyson Knight,Elisa Kreller, Meri-Ellen McGoey, Alexandra McGovern, SandiMcLeod, Lori Sargent, Linda Seiler, Jenny Thiers, SherylWansel

KlingonsTracey Allen, Ray Butterworth, Carol & Brenz, Greg Hancock,Steve Harvey, Marney Heatley, Mike Holland, GuyMiddleton, Mike O'Brien, James Puttick, Quiv Qualter, MikeWevrick, Kelly Zytaruk

Merry PersonsTerry Barna, Meryn Cadell, Mary Lynn DesRoches, JillFleischman, Heather Irvine, Elisa Kreller, Men-EllenMcGoey, Alexandra McGovern, Lori. Sargent Linda Seiler,Sheryl Wansel, John Wendell

Roman CrowdKim Adkins, Peter Coo, Jill Fleischman, Donald Heath, BonnieLynch, Sandi McLeod, Ian Robinson, Geo Swan, Phil Taylor,Jenny Thiers

Witch's TroopsKim Adkins, Joy Fenton, Jill Fleischman, Sandi McLeod LoriSargent, Linda Seiler

Wizard's TroopsTerry Barna, Rod Currie, Donald Heath, Jim Robertson, IanRobinson, Phil Taylor, Brad Templeton, John Wendell

Chapter 3: TECM/TeriL TIRD ZTTIGE WIEFT.R.D3

Every shining face you see out there is depending onsomething built, begged, borrowed, stitched, sketched, or(heaven forbid) stolen by one of the following dedicated supportcrew:Technical Directors: Carol Lynch, Brenda ParsonsStage Manager: Ross GibautAssistant Stage Managers: Tom Hocaliuk, Janice VandenbergRunner: William. HughesGrips

Stage Right: Janet Acton, Tracey Allen, Mike Holland, LauraLabonte-Smith, Mike O'Brien, James Puttick

Stage Left: Lizan.ne Madigan, Mike Wevrick, Ken Dykes,Andrew Forber, Marney Heatley

Head Fly Man: Brian-G MartinFly Crew: Guy Middleton, Ray Butterworth

LightingDesign.: Peter CaretteBoard operator: Kevin MartinFollow spot operators: Greg Hancock, Kelly Zytaruk

SoundDesign: Ian! AllenBoard operator: Don RichmondAssistant board operator: Chris ForberSound advice: Ian! Allen, Chris Forber, Andrew Forber,

Cameron McDonald, Don Richmond, Brad Templeton,Kelly Zytaruk

Special EffectsDesign: Peter (Boom-Boom) CaretteAssistants: Brenz & Carol

MusicDirector: Jim GardnerPiano: Jim GardnerDrums: P. Jayne Forbes

Choreography: Linda Carson, Meryn. CadellDance Coach: Meryn. CadellAccent Consultant: Alex T. BielakArtistic Design: Earl Stieler, Erika HocaliukMaster Carpenter: Kevin MartinProperty Master: Quiv QualterAssistant Property Master: Steve Harvey

Make-upMake-up Mistress: Erika HocaliukMake-up Assistants: Quiv Qualter, Holly McDonald, Sandi

McLeod, Gillian Teichert, Jennifer Jana, Meri-EllenMcGoey, Bonnie Lynch, Joy Fenton, Lori Sargent, LindsayDrake, Meryn Cadell, Terry Barna

CostumesCostumes Mistress: Janet ErnstAssistant Costumes Mistress: Lynn McRuerCostumes Assistants: Barb Williamson, Janet Acton

Sets and PropsSet Design: Carol & BrenzSet Constuction: Tom Chmara, Mike Wevrick, Peter Bain,

Sandor, Ray Butterworth, Angie Ho, Cindy Evans, EarlEarl, Alan Bowler, Laura Labonte-Smith, James Puttick,Glenn McTae, Quiv Qualter, Janet Acton, Ken Lynch,Brian-G Martin, Scott Nicoll, Guy Middleton, MarneyHeatley, Mike Holland, Mike O'Brien, Kelly Zytaruk,William Hughes, Andrew Welch, Janice Vandenberg

Painters: Quiv Qualter, Don Richmond, Janet Ernst, TraceyAllen, Kelly Zytaruk, Marney Heatley, Janet Acton,Maggie Muir, James Puttick, Glenn McRae, MikeWevrick, Ken Lynch, Andrew Welch, Brian-G Martin,Kevin Martin, Guy Middleton, Peter Carette, LizanneMadigan, Tom Hocaliuk, Erika Hocaliuk, Steve Harvey,Ray Butterworth, Lynn McRuer, William Hughes, GregHancock, Linda Eickmeier, Mike O'Brien, Andrew Welch,Ashok Patel, Earl Stieler, Carol & Brenz

Properties Construction: Sandor, Quiv Qualter, James Puttick,Greg Hancock, Kelly Zytaruk, Peter Fraser, Peter Carette,Steve Harvey, Mike Wevrick, Alan Bowler

Master of Sexual Innuendo: Tom HocaliukHanging Crew: Quiv Qualter, Kevin Martin, Greg Hancock, Kelly

Zytaruk, Alan Bowler, Sandor, Ken LynchPhotography: John W. Bast, Judy McMullanPoster Graphics: Gillian Teichert, Andrew WelchProgramme Design and Execution: Ian! Allen, John W. Bast, Linda

Carson, Linda Eickmeier, John McMullen, Gillian Teichert

Chapter 4: ZITE33714'E3

Message From Our DirectorWelcome to FASS.While I don't want to sound selfish, the show tonight is as

much for us as it is for you. If you want to check, just watchhow much fun we're having on stage. We've enjoyed putting ittogether; I invite all of you to enjoy it, too!

I owe more thanks than I have buttons. The following namesleap to mind immediately: the Celebrity Janitors (you know whoyou are), for spirit and enthusiasm, but mostly for saying "Yes";John W. Bast, for audition forms, calendars and the colourfuland original invectives that got me through the days; BernieRoehl, for scripts; Meryn Cadell, for making it all look so easythat no one noticed it was new and different; Kelly Booth, forhis forgiveness and, indirectly, financial aid; Carol Lynch &Brenz Parsons, for saying "We'll try" instead of "No"; SteveHutton, for a script with room for lots of talent; Jim Gardner,for being more than just your average musical director; my cast,crew and production staff, for taking it all in stride, and makingme proud; and, finally, Ross Gibaut, for everything.

-- Linda Carson

Message From Our lead 3criptwriterEven now, I find it hard to believe that the script is actually

completed. It all started in the slimmer with some crazybrainstorming and ended in a series of frantic December editingsessions. Somehow, out of all this chaos, a script emerged.

It would be impossible to thank individually all of the peoplewho helped me out. But, I'd like to give special thanks to Jimand Linda for their cooperation, Ian! for his work on thecomputer, and, of course, Bernie, without whom I could neverhave done it.

One final note: some of the funniest stuff you see tonightwas written by people who had never written for FASS before.So, come help us write next year's show. It's a lot of fun!

-- Steve Hutton

Iffe55age From Our ProducerAs producer of this year's production of FASS, I have learned

a lot! I have learned about people, production and theatre. I cansafely say that the FASS Theatre Company is a unique anddedicated group of theatre lovers. The time, energy andimagination of all the people involved in this year's show comesto a peak this evening. You, the audience, will decide throughyour laughter, applause and interest whether the long hours ofpreparation have been worthwhile.

Somehow, possibly from advertisement, rumour or coaxing,you have found yourself in the Humanities Theatre waiting forthe 21 st annual FASS production entitled FASS OR FICTION.Needless to say, for whatever reason you have, we thank you.This time last year, many of the cast and crew were in yourposition -- watching the show. As their interest spurred them toget involved, you too can begin to plan for next year's show byjoining our group. Just look for posters or articles which willtell you when, where and how to get involved. It's very easyand FASS will welcome every one of you with open arms.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. We are here toentertain you, so bring down the lights, bring up the curtain,bring on the actors -- it's show time, folks!

-- Linda Eickm.eierP.S. Thanks, dad.

Chapter 5

Our heartfelt thanks to the Mathematics Faculty ComputingFacility and J. Li. Morris, Graphic Services, Webco Sports Ltd. forthe show t-shirts, Zel Whittington of Bookings, HenryHornberger of Bar Services, Dan Donaldson, Earl Stieler, UW ArtsCentre, K-W Red Cross Society, the Drama Department, Canox forthe dry ice, Elizabeth Fraser for the Yellow Brick Road, theEngineering Society, Fred Babineau of Chemistry Stores, Jim'sQuick Print, Rogers Cable, Doug Wright, Wim Simonis, Dr. K.Fryer, San.dor, Peter B. Carette and any of the cast of thousandswe may have missed.

Mr. Bond's wardrobe by Collins House of Formals.

Reviews of other books in this series.

Although FASS itself has not changed all that much over the lastseven or eight years, others' views of us certainly have...

"FASS [1976] was nothing more than the ugly features of adying social system reflected in a thoroughly degraded culture --a culture desperately trying to prop up fascism as the onlyanswer."

-- the chevron, February 13, 1976

"[FASS 1975's The Peasants' Revolt] was blatantly sexist,intellectually 'bankrupt -- with the multitude of cliches, andmost of all the peasants lost the revolt, which is contradictedwith the success students are having in Quebec, and hopefully inOntario, in opposing oppressive measures against the students."

-- the chevron, February 14, 1975

"Like Johnny Carson, FASS seems to be able to pick out the sacredcows of the society we inhabit and exhibit them for public andhealthy laughter."

-- Imprint, February 12, 1982

"FASS is a four letter word that starts with 'F' and means theMost fun thing you can do with other people."

— Imprint, January 29, 1982

Be sure to collect the whole series. We'll see you again next yearin FASS 1984!