Reflections Reflections N E W S L E T T E R

MARCH 2019

A Message of hope for the new year

Grieving Healing Growing Together

Dear Members, Welcome to the first Newsletter of 2019. I hope that the new year has got off to a good start for you. It's hard to believe that it's eleven years since I lost my son Michael. Where does time go? How did I manage to keep on going without him? The Anniversary day affected me more than I expected after all these years, but grief is unpredictable. Isn't it? There is no timeline! However I am so relieved that the emotional pain is not as intense as the early days and am grateful for the support I received and still do receive from the T.C.F. Just being with people who understand means so much to me. My heart goes out to those of you who are newly bereaved. When we first lose our child, our world seems to stand still, yet everything keeps moving around us! Gradually we have to join in again, even though we may not want to. Slowly but surely we reach a new "normal." Somehow we manage to keep up. Life is so busy these days, with work and family commitments. We often find we haven't much time to spare, especially if we are grieving! But I was wondering if any of our

members who are further down their grief journey, who do have some time,

would consider volunteering for The Compassionate Friends someday?

Like many organizations who rely entirely on volunteers and

receive no government

funding, we are always looking for people to lend a hand. This enables us to continue helping bereaved families. We would love to have more help in the office for general duties and answering phone calls. I realize this may not appeal or be possible for many but you might consider helping us for a few hours when we have events. These can be fun ways to meet other parents. Your help is always welcome! Talking about events, we are having our Annual Walk To Remember on Sunday 10th of March. (Details in Newsletter). We are trying a new venue at the beautiful Lake Monger. Parking available at Harbourne Street car park. This is a lovely family day and a special way to honour our children. You can walk for as little or as long as you wish and don't need to be sponsored. Everyone always enjoys the get together barbecue lunch at the end and new friendships are made. Look out for the blue balloons! We are also planning an Open Day afternoon tea in June and have our usual Quiz Night in September. Hope you can join us. Above all, our credo is to provide support as best we can. So please feel free to contact us. Best wishes to you all,

Lillian Green.

Mother of Michael.

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A Date to Remember

The walk of remembrance that is held in March each year will be at Lake Monger on Sunday 10th March at 10.00am for 10.30am start. Each year there is a walk to remember our dear children and although few of us make the effort, we would encourage you to take a leap forward and join those who do come and experience a great morning with each other. The walk is a donation and we are hoping that this year we can raise enough money to help with the funds to keep the office open for another year. This is one of our yearly fundraisers so please make this a great event for you and your family and friends. Everyone welcome. Our thanks goes to all our great volunteers for the hard work they have put into making this event happen. Parking is available off Harbourne Street.

Sunday

10th March

2019 10.00am for

10.30am start At Lake Monger

NEW VENUE THIS

YEAR.

Please support our cause

to honour our children

and join us for a walk and

a burger.

TO REMEMBER

LOOK FOR THE BLUE

BALLOONS……..

FREE Tai Chi session to all our members before the walk

at 9.30am. Please look for our instructor Louise.

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Candlelight Memorial

TCF held its’ Annual Christmas Candlelight memorial service at St. Georges Cathedral once again. The service as always was very moving and with the help of our bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents reading special poems and stories, this made the service even more memorable. There as always were faces that were recognisable and a few new faces which is always sad as we know that those parents and bereaved famillies have lost a child that they loved and now miss. Christmas is always a very hard time for most of us as there is always one person missing from our table each year and it is for this reason that TCF holds this annual service. It is due to this service that each person is able to remember their loved one as most of our family and friends have forgotten them and have no understanding of what it is like for us and how important it is for our child to be remembered. A special thank you once again to St Georges Cathedral and their organist for providing us with a venue and beautiful music and Rev. Rae Reinerstien for the service she gave.

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Mother’s Day - Sunday May 12th

Dear Friend,

I miss my child every day. This grief of mine will

never leave me, and honestly, why should it? I love my

child more than I ever could have imagined, and yes, I

do mean present tense “love”. It is excruciating

knowing that my child will never return to my arms.

However, a mother’s love for her child doesn’t require

physical presence; this can be proven by the fact that

most mothers love their children well before they are

even born. I will love my child forever, and therefore, I

will grieve my child forever. This is just how it goes.

I know it’s

difficult for some

people to understand

my ongoing grief, I

guess because they

want me to “get

better” or return to

“normal.” However, I

actually am normal.

I’m just different now.

I believe those who say

they want to support

me on difficult days

like Mother’s Day, but

part of this is

accepting me as a

grieving mother who

will always love her deceased child. Again, this is just

how it goes.

My grief is like the weather.

Some days it’s calm, quiet, maybe

even a little sunny. Other days it’s a

devastating storm that makes me feel

angry, exhausted, raw, and empty. I

wake up in the morning and wonder –

“Am I even alive at all? And if so, how

am I supposed to make it through

this day?” This is why when you ask

me how I feel about Mother’s Day, all

I can say that it depends. Of course,

I’m going to try my best to cope with

the day, but while you’re hoping that

your Mother’s Day picnic doesn’t get

spoiled by actual rain, I’ll be praying

that the grief storms stay at bay.

Like many things in a grieving mother’s life,

Mother’s Day is bittersweet to the nth degree. On the

one hand, I feel immense joy because I was blessed

with my child and I feel gratitude for every moment I

was given with them. On the other hand, the pain of

missing my child – my greatest happiness, my life’s

purpose, and my best friend – is intense.

Bereaved mothers live with so many of these

confusing contrasts. They are like undercurrents that

tug at and toss about our hearts and minds. I am a

mother to a child who is not alive. Perhaps a child who

you’ve never met. You can’t ask me about their school

year, or how they’re liking piano lessons, or whether

they’ve chosen a major in college. In my mind, I’ve

imagined my child doing all these things. People don’t

realize that I grieve each of my child’s milestones,

knowing they didn’t get the opportunity to experience

these special days.

Most people don’t know how to validate my

child’s place in the world or my ongoing role as my

child’s mother. This is a difficult concept for others to

grasp. Heck, sometimes even I grapple with the

answers to questions like “Do you have children?” and

“How many?.” I know many bereaved mothers, like me,

long for these questions to have straightforward

answers.

Sadly, mothers who have experienced the death

of their only child may even wonder whether they get

to call themselves a mother at all in broader society.

So, in addition to the pain of grief, these mothers have

to cope with a sense of being left out, forgotten, and

ignored. Can you imagine how that might feel? I think

it must be like being stabbed through the heart and

when you turn to others for help they say “What

blood?” “What knife?”

Then, for mothers who have

surviving children, there is this gem

of a comment – “Don’t forget, you’re

lucky to have other children.” Please

let me assure you, a mother does

not forget any of her children. This

mother loves each and every one of

her unique and special children in

unique and special ways, but one of

her children has died and so her love

for this child looks a little

untraditional. Mothers do not have a

finite amount of love to be shifted,

divided, and spread around

depending on the number of

5

Mother’s Day - Sunday May 12th

children they have on this

Earth. So please be careful

with your comments,

because it’s difficult enough

for grieving mothers who

often feel torn between

feeling joy and happiness

for their living children and

grief for the child who has

died.

All that said, you asked me what it’s like to

grieve a child on Mother’s Day, so here’s what I have to

say: This day will forever be hard for me. I live with an

emptiness that no one can fill; so I may be sad, I may

be unsociable, and I may need to take a break to be by

myself in a quiet place. Whatever shape my grief takes

on this day, please allow me to feel the way I feel and

please follow my lead.

Beyond that,

acknowledge me as a

mother. It makes me

feel forgotten and as

though my child has

been forgotten when

people act as though

my child never existed.

Also, I can sense that

p e o p l e f e e l

uncomfortable talking

about my child and I constantly feel like the elephant in

the room, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Honestly, I

find it really comforting when someone talks about my

child. I love hearing their name spoken out loud! I love

hearing stories about them. Maybe you know a story

I’ve never heard, or maybe I’ve heard it a hundred

times before, but it really doesn’t matter to me. Your

acknowledgment alone is one of the greatest Mother’s

Day gifts you could give me.

I guess while I’m offering my two cents, I also

have something to say to my fellow bereaved mothers.

No one has it all figured out, but I’ve learned a few

lessons along the way. If you’re worried about Mother’s

Day, you’re not alone. Try not to get overwhelmed or

wrapped up in anxiety. You may actually find that the

anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself. You

may want to plan a whole day of activities just to stay

busy, or you may feel like doing nothing at all. There is

no “right” way to handle Mother’s Day – but do try to

plan ahead a little. You may want to reach out to

others who are struggling with the day and, if you can,

it always helps to face the day with people who love

and support you.

Whatever you do, believe you will make it

through the day. With time, the grief storms will grow

smaller and less frequent and you will find a little more

balance and room to breathe. Believe you will be okay

and have hope that in the future you will find yourself

in a place where you can grieve and celebrate on

Mother’s Day all at the same time.

Let’s take care of each other, M.

Source : whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-a-child

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Siblings Grief

Helping Yourself Heal When an Adult Sibling Dies

by Center for Loss | Dec 15, 2016 | Articles by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

“To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters.

We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share

private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.

We live outside the touch of time.” —Clara Ortega

Your brother or sister has died. I am truly sorry for your loss. Whether

your sibling was younger or older, whether the death was sudden or anticipated,

whether you were very close to your sibling throughout your lives or experienced

periods of separation, you are now grieving.

To grieve is to experience thoughts and feelings of loss inside you. If you

loved your sibling, you will grieve. To mourn is to express your grief outside of

yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal. Consider

your unique relationship. Brothers and sisters often have strong and ambivalent

feelings for one another. Sibling relationships tend to be complex, characterized by

a mixture of anger, jealousy, and a fierce closeness and love. What was your

relationship with the sibling who died? I’ll bet it wasn’t entirely simple.

Sibling relationships are so complex because while we are growing up,

siblings are both friends and enemies, teammates and competitors. We play with

our siblings, and we fight with them. We share our parents’ love, and we compete

for our parents’ love. We enjoy being part of a family, and we struggle to become

individuals. Sometimes we carry our childhood rivalries and differences into

adulthood, and our ambivalent feelings toward our brothers and sisters remain.

Sometimes we separate from our siblings completely as adults. And sometimes we

become very close friends with our grown-up brothers and sisters.

Yet no matter what your present-day relationship with your sibling was,

his or her death is a blow. You shared a long history with your sibling. Your

stories began together and were intimately intertwined for years.

Know that sibling grief is important. The loss of an adult sibling is often

a significant one. I have had the privilege of companioning many sibling mourners,

and they have taught me that they often feel deep pain and a profound sense of

loss. Yet our culture tends to under-appreciate sibling grief. When an adult dies,

the myth goes, it is the parents, spouse, and children of the person who died who

suffer the greatest loss. We seem to think that siblings are affected less. Yet the

truth is, the more deeply you feel connected to someone, the more difficult his or

her death will be for you. And siblings—even when they have not spent much

time together as adults—often have profoundly strong attachments to one

another.

Yes, your grief for your sibling is very real. And it may be very difficult

for you. Allow yourself the time and the support you need to mourn. Accept

different grief responses. There is no one right way for you to mourn. Neither is

there one right way for other family members to mourn. Each of you will mourn

differently. If you have surviving siblings, you will find that each will mourn this

death in his or her own way. While you might have anticipated some of your

sibling’s responses (for example, your emotional sister has probably been

emotional), other responses may have surprised you. Try not to let these

differences alarm you or hurt your feelings. If your parents are still alive, they,

too, will have their own unique responses to the death. You can help by

facilitating open and honest communication with them about their grief and yours.

Feelings will naturally run high in your family in the weeks and months

after the death. The best approach is to be open with one another without

blaming.

Embrace the healing power of linking objects. Linking objects are items that

belonged to or remind you of the sibling who died. Photographs, videos, CDs,

ticket stubs, clothing, gifts you received from him or her—all of these connect

you to the sibling who died.

Some items may bring sadness, some happiness, some sappiness (i.e.,

when you are happy and sad at the same time). While linking objects may evoke

painful feelings, they are healing feelings. They help you embrace the pain of your

loss and move toward reconciliation. They may also give you comfort in the weeks

and months ahead.

Whatever you do, DO NOT get rid of linking objects that remind you of

the sibling who died. If you need to box some of them up for a time, do so.

Later, when you are ready, you will likely find that displaying linking objects in

your home is a way to remember the sibling who died and honor your ongoing

feelings of love and loss. Honor the sibling who died

Sometimes grieving families ask that memorial contributions be made to

specified charities in the name of the person who died. Consider your sibling’s

loves and passions. If he were still here, what would make him proud to have his

name associated with?

Some families have set up scholarship funds. Some have donated books to

the library or schools. Some have donated park benches or picnic tables, inscribed

with an appropriate plaque. Some have planted gardens. You might also choose to

carry on with something your sibling loved to do or left unfinished.

You will find that honoring your sibling is both a way to express your

grief and to remember what was special about him or her.

If you are a twin, seek extra support. If you are a twin whose twin

brother or sister has died, you may be especially devastated by this death. Twins

often report a sense of being halved after their twin has died. Without their twin,

they simply do not feel whole.

Your grief work may be particularly arduous. Know this: mourners don’t

recover from grief. Instead, we become “reconciled” to it. In other words, we learn

to live with it and are forever changed by it. This does not mean a life of misery,

however. Mourners often not only heal but grow through grief. Our lives can

potentially be deeper and more meaningful after the death of someone loved. Yet

we only achieve reconciliation if we actively express and receive support for our

grief. Find someone who will listen without judging as you talk about your grief.

Cry. Journal. Make art. Find things to do that help you express your grief, and

keep doing them.

I believe every human being wants to “mourn well” the deaths of those

they love. It is as essential as breathing. Yet because our culture misunderstands

the importance of grief, some people deny or avoid their normal and necessary

thoughts and feelings. Choose to mourn. Choose to heal. Choose to live and love

fully again.

A final word. To be “bereaved” literally means “to be torn apart” and

“to have special needs.” When a sibling dies, it is like a deep hole implodes

inside of you. It’s as if the hole penetrates you and leaves you gasping for air. I

have always said that we mourn significant losses from the inside out. In my

experience, it is only when we are nurtured (inside and outside) that we discover

the courage to mourn openly and honestly.

Remember—you are not alone, and you are not forgotten. No, your love

does not end with the death of your brother or sister. You can and will carry

your sibling with you into the future, always remembering your past and what he

or she brought to the dance of your life.

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Grandparents Grief

How to Support Someone Who is Coping with the Loss of a Grandchild

Consider the following tips when supporting a grandparent who has lost a grandchild: 1. Avoid cliché’s: Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a grieving grandparent because they diminish the very real and very painful loss of a unique child. 2. Be aware of holidays and other significant days: Visit the grandparent, write a note or simply give them a quick phone call during these times. Your ongoing support will be appreciated and healing. 3. Be compassionate: Give the grandparent permission to express their feelings without fear of criticism. Don’t instruct, or set expectations about how they should respond. Never say, “I know how you feel.” You don’t. 4. Listen with your heart: Listen attentively and try to understand. Don’t worry so much about what you will say, rather concentrate on the words that are being shared with you. 5. Offer practical help: Preparing food and washing clothes are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. Whether you are coping with the loss of a grandchild or supporting someone who is, always be kind and don’t assume unrealistic expectations. There is no timeline for how long grief should last. Take a one-day-at-a-time approach. After all, “grief is not an enemy to be vanquished, but a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.”

After Glow

I’d like the memory of me

to be a happy one.

I’d like to leave an after glow

of smiles when life is done.

I’d like to leave an echo

whispering softly down the ways,

Of happy times and laughing times

and bright and sunny days.

I’d like the tears of those who grieve,

to dry before the sun

of happy memories

that I leave when life is done.

Don’t weep at my grave,

For I am not there,

I’ve a date with a butterfly

to dance in the air.

I’ll be singing in the sunshine,

Wild and free,

Playing tag with the wind,

Please dont weep for me.

How can i live

What am i to do

Now apart of my heart,

Is buried with you?

Author Unknown

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BRENNAN Tyler Michael, 10/05/03—10/06/05. Angela our daughter also passed away November 2005. We were Tyler’s grandparents. He left behind a brother Trent and sister Ebony and lots of family who loved him dearly. xoxoxo. BRESCACIN Colin James aged 25 years, died 24th May 2004. Loved so much by so many. “Catch you later kid”. xoxoxo. DEAN Courtney Joy, died 11th May 2005. Missed today and always. We held you tightly and said goodbye, love and kisses, Mummy, Daddy, Nanna, Poppa, Jessica and Benjamin. xoxoxo. EVELY Ryan Nathan, died 6th April 2004. You were the sunshine of our lives, we miss you more and more each day. Always in our hearts, love Mum, Dad and your lonely brother Shaun. xoxoxo. FLANAGAN Roddy David aged 17 years 9 months, died 17th May 1992. You are in our hearts always. Our love will be with you until we meet again. Lots of love and blessings, Mum, Julie, Iain, Kane and Louis. xoxoxo. GAUNT Michael Jeffrey, died 2nd May 1991. In our hearts always. All our love Mum, Dad, Kyle, John and Georgina. xoxoxo. HILTON Dale 03/06/1985—07/03/2008. Eleven years have passed since you left us. Not a day goes by without thinking of you. Missing your laughter and smiles. Life is not the same without you. Always in our hearts. Love Mum and Hayden xoxoxo JEFFS Benjamin Justin 16/05/1978—25/05/2001. I am so honoured that I am your mother. I wish it had been longer together. We all love and miss you so much. Love always, Mum, Tab, Beth and family. Xoxoxo KUSMIEREK Paul John aged 22 years, died 24th May 2002. Our precious angel in the heavens above, we send to you all our love. So dearly loved, so sadly missed. Eternal love from, Mum, Dad, Lisa, John, Tami, Michael, Kosta and John. xoxoxo.

MARTINZ Trent William aged 16 years, died 7th March 2005. We treasure the 16 years we had with you. Not a day goes by that we don’t think of you. You will always be in our hearts. Much love, Mum, Dad and Felicity. xoxoxo. McKEICH Martin Andrew 27/11/1968—19/03/2014. Three sad years since you left us. Loving you is easy—we do it every day. Missing you is a heartache that never goes away. Mum, Dad, Darren, Vanessa, Natalie, Riley & Phoebie and all your family xoxoxo O’BRIEN Jemma Louise 13/10/1977—17/05/2012. Two years since you left us suddenly without saying goodbye. You live on through your three beautiful children, but my heart aches. Love Mum xoxoxo ROBBINS Adam John 19/12/1983—06/04/2011. 8 years without our beautiful boy. The pain of losing you hasn’t gone away. Love and miss you, Mum, Dad, Jade and Lucy xoxoxo VAN EIJNDHOVEN Mark aged 27 years, departed into eternal life 12th April 2008. Our precious son, fiancée, brother and uncle. Not a day goes by that we do not think of you. Mum and Dad. xoxoxo. WALKER Glenn Marshall aged 24 years, died 2nd March 2003. A son we were proud of, lovingly remembered by his parents Sam and Rosslyn. xoxoxo.

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If fees have been paid, we would love to put your child’s name, photo, poems, prayers, etc onto our website to honour your child. Please contact the office for further information.

9

An angel wrote in the book of life my baby’s date of

birth, then whispered as she closed the book,

“Too beautiful for earth.”

9

BRENNAN Tyler Michael, born 10th May 2003. Remembered by brother Trent, sister Ebony and lots of family who loved him dearly. xoxoxo. BURTON Joshua Keith, born 5th March 1983. Another birthday without you Josh. We all miss you constantly. Love Mum, Dad, Bec, Jeremy, Ben and families. xoxoxox BUTT Roland aged 18 years, born 18th April 1984. You were with us for such a short time but enriched the lives of all who knew you. Loved and cherished 4eva. Mum and Katrina. xoxoxo. FARRIS Simon Christopher, born 20th April 1978. My beautiful loving courageous son Simon. Eight years ago your pain ended and my heart will be forever broken. I miss you so much. Love for all eternity, Mum xoxoxo GALLAGHER Mark, born 3rd May 1982. Remembering your birthday as we always do. With much love from Mum, Dad, Rob and Amanda xoxoxo O’KEEFFE Liam Marc aged 23 years, born 28th May 1981. We loved your compassion, honesty, generosity, sense of humour, thoughtfulness, courage and intelligence. You gave your best to everyone. You never once complained. You deserved so much better. Our despair is beyond words. Love always Mum, Dad, Angela and Carly. xoxoxo.

PRICE Taylor Jamie aged 4 years, born 29th May 2000. To Taylor, our hearts ache, our tears still roll but we still have our beautiful memories of you and we send out love to you each night. Love always and forever, Mummy, Daddy and Jessica. xoxoxo. SCHILLING Rebecca Faye born 8th March 1983. Four` years ago on 26th February 2013 I lost my lovely daughter. In my heart I still long to hold her and tell her it’s alright. RIP Becky, love Mum oxoxox STEWART Alistair, born 5th April 1988. Loved and remembered forever, Mum and Dad xoxoxo TARR Neve Kristen, born 22nd March 2002. We hope you are happy and free. Thank you for your love and watching over your younger sister, Chelsea. Love you forever, Mum, Dad and Chelsea xoxoxo THOMAS Cameron Jacob aged 14 years, died 29th March 2008. Forever young. “Sometimes goodbye’s the only way”. xoxoxo. WALE Joseph, born 15th May 1981. Joe, we miss you so much and wish the pain would ease. Families are forever, wherever we may be. Love Mum, Dad, Jane and Tom. xoxoxo WALKER Glenn Marshall aged 24 years, died 2nd March 2003. A son we were proud of, lovingly remembered by his parents Sam and Rosslyn. xoxoxo. WELLMAN Glen Alan, born 2nd May 1962. I will always love you, miss you and hold you close to my heart. You were a wonderful son. Love Mum xoxoxo

10 10

DONATIONS FROM

COMPANIES WELCOMED If you are fortunate to be working for a

successful company please think about

suggesting our organisation for fundraising

or sponsorship. We are totally supported by

our members to keeping our doors open so

that we can assist newly bereaved parents

and continue our ongoing support.

We are continuously working on ways to

promote The Compassionate Friends of WA,

so any support from our members would be

welcomed.

We are seeking volunteers for our phone

support, to speak to bereaved parents

and give them assistance through their

journey of grief. We at TCF have all been

through those early days and found the

phone support to be of great help in our

healing process. Please consider giving

back to those in their early days of grief.

You don’t have to be a qualified

counsellor, just a compassionate friend

who has gone through the journey.

Training will be provided. We would also

appreciate any help in the office,

whatever few hours you can give.

Please contact the office on

6107 6288 or 6107 6257

The Compassionate Friends

(Western Australia Chapter)

info@compassionatefriendswa

Healing Connections

“Thank You”

To all those who donated to our organisation this past three months. We are very grateful for all

your wonderful gifts of love xoxoxo

To everyone who volunteered in the office, Committee, sent in their membership fees,

supported the Candlelight Memorial, who makes sure our newsletter is published, collated and

posted, and take our support groups each month. You are all very much appreciated and there are

no words to thank you enough.

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Healing Connections

What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child…..By Paula Stephens

Four and half years after the death of my oldest son, I finally went to a grief support group for parents who have lost children. I went to support a friend who recently lost her son. I'm not sure I would've gone except that when I was in her shoes, four years ago, I wish I would've had a friend to go with me. Losing a child is the loneliest, most desolate journey a person can take and the only people who can come close to appreciating it are those who share the experience. The meeting was a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, an organization solely dedicated to providing support for those who have lost children, grandchildren or siblings. The facilitator was a tall gentleman who had lost his 17 year old son eight years ago. He opened the meeting by saying that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay. Well, he couldn't be more correct: no one wants to belong to this group. The group of incredible survivors included parents whose children had been killed by drunk drivers, murdered, accidental overdose, alcoholism, suicide and freak accidents. The children's ages ranged from 6-38 years old. When hearing the stories, I had a visceral reaction to being part of this "club," but was also humbled by the greatness of these mothers and fathers. Most of what I share in this article came from this meeting, but also from my own experience of having lost a child and being four years into that lifelong journey of healing from deep grief. The following five tips can be your compass to help you navigate how to give support to grieving parents on a sacred journey they never wanted to take. 1. Remember our children. The loss of children is a pain all bereaved parents share, and it is a degree of suffering that is impossible to grasp without experiencing it first hand. Often, when we know someone else is experiencing grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching it head on. But we want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was. If you see something that reminds you of my child, tell me. If you are reminded at the holidays or on his birthday that I am missing my son, please tell me you remember him. And when I speak his name or relive memories relive them with me, don't shrink away. If you never met my son, don't be afraid to ask about him. One of my greatest joys is talking about Brandon. 2. Accept that you can't "fix" us. An out-of-order death such as child loss breaks a person (especially a parent) in a way that is not fixable or solvable — ever! We will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but our lives will never be the same. Every grieving parent must find a way to continue to live with loss, and it's a solitary journey. We appreciate your support and hope you can be patient with us as we find our way.

Please: don't tell us it's time to get back to life, that's it's been long enough, or that time heals all wounds. We welcome your support and love, and we know sometimes it hard to watch, but our sense of brokenness isn't going to go away. It is something to observe, recognize, accept. 3. Know that there are at least two days a year we need a time out. We still count birthdays and fantasize what our child would be like if he/she were still living. Birthdays are especially hard for us. Our hearts ache to celebrate our child's arrival into this world, but we are left becoming intensely aware of the hole in our hearts instead. Some parents create rituals or have parties while others prefer solitude. Either way, we are likely going to need time to process the marking of another year without our child. Then there's the anniversary of the date our child became an angel. This is a remarkable process similar to a parent of a newborn, first counting the days, then months then the one year anniversary, marking the time on the other side of that crevasse in our lives. No matter how many years go by, the anniversary date of when our child died brings back deeply emotional memories and painful feelings (particularly if there is trauma associated with the child's death). The days leading up to that day can feel like impending doom or like it's hard to breathe. We may or may not share with you what's happening. This is where the process of remembrance will help. If you have heard me speak of my child or supported me in remembering him/her, you will be able to put the pieces together and know when these tough days are approaching. 4. Realize that we struggle every day with happiness. It's an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving your child with the desire to live in a way that honors them and their time on this earth. I remember going on a family cruise eighteen months after Brandon died. On the first day, I stood at the back of the ship and bawled that I wasn't sharing this experience with him. Then I had to steady myself, and recognize that I was also creating memories with my surviving sons, and enjoying the time with them in the present moment. As bereaved parents, we are constantly balancing holding grief in one hand and a happy life after loss in the other. You might observe this when you are with us at a wedding, graduation or other milestone celebration. Don't walk away — witness it with us and be part of our process. 5. Accept the fact that our loss might make you uncomfortable. Our loss is unnatural, out-of-order; it challenges your sense of safety. You may not know what to say or do, and you're afraid you might make us lose it. We've learned all of this as part of what we're learning about grief. We will never forget our child. And in fact, our loss is always right under the surface of other emotions, even happiness. We would rather lose it because you spoke his/her name and remembered our child, than try and shield ourselves from the pain and live in denial.

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Help The Compassionate Friends of WA Incorporated fundraising effort by purchasing

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Healing Connections

TCF’s Xmas Dinner 2018 was held at Buffet Amici

Restaurant in Woodvale Christmas can be such a challenging time for us all, so it is always good for our group to meet up socially to support each other and enjoy a lovely meal together. This year we shared some delicious Italian food which we enjoyed and also had the place mostly to ourselves….which is just as well because we love to talk and laugh too! There was also a raffle for a beautiful Reindeer Gingerbread cake made by Kerrie. The proceeds went to our funds. We hope you can all make it again next year and will keep you informed nearer the date.

“Thank you for the beautiful flowers you gave me for facilitating the Heathridge Group. I was really touched by your kindness and am so blessed to be involved with such a lovely group of Compassionate Friends. I look forward to our monthly group meetings again in 2019.”

Love Lillian, mother of Michael

Don’t miss this excellent social event on

our calendar for 2019.

We welcome stories or articles from our members for our newsletter.

Please send them in to info@compassionatefriendswa.org.au

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Mondo Community Warriors for their continuous support last year.

Phone: 9371 6350

Email: Princeofflesh@mondo.net.au

824 Beaufort Street, Inglewood WA 6052

59 Belmont Ave (08) 9365 9500

Thank you to Fuji Xerox Australia PTY Ltd. For all your support in printing our quarterly

Reflections newsletter.

Donations

Thank you to the following sponsors and those who donated

Thank You To The Shop Distributive and Allied Employees who donated

$1,000. You have been most

generous to us once again.

To Blair Bears for your donation of

$267.28…..bless their fluffy paws.

To Marie Rodatz for her donation of

$250 through

To our anonymous contributer who

donated $600 to our group.

If you would like to contact us we can

send you a receipt.

To Angie and Joe Rechichi for donating

$100 towards our library.

To Stuart/Richards for a donation of

$250 Please contact the office with

your address and christian names for a receipt.

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REBUILDING LIFE AFTER GRIEF

Lionheart Camp for Kids is designed for families with children aged between 5—12 years following the death of

a parent or child within the family.

Contact Shelly Skinner, Program Director 0416 344 024 lionheartfoundationwa@gmail.com

Penny Tassone, Marking Director 0418 944 523

penny@themadempire.com.au

RAINBOWS FOR KIDS &TEENS

Rainbows Australia is a national not-for-profit organisation, as part of an international

organisation that fosters emotional healing among children and youth grieving a loss from a

life-altering crisis.

Sunbeams Info: By participating in SunBeams, children aged 3-6 have an opportunity to grieve the loss in their family and develop

appropriate coping mechanisms for life.

For more information please contact: Margaret Maassen, Rainbows WA, Registered Director

0402 738 570

Jenny Rea, Rainbows Director 94054681

ARBOR

ARBOR stands for Active Response Bereavement Outreach. It offers short-medium term counselling, referral, volunteer peer support and support groups to people who have lost loved ones to suicide.

Address 23 Adelaide Terrace East Perth WA, 6004 Postal Address GPO Box C138 East Perth WA 6892 Phone (08) 9263 2000 Email info@anglicarewa.org.au Web: www.anglicarewa.org.au

Under: relationships/suicide-prevention-

postvention

Help Available For Others

The Compassionate Friends Monthly Support

Groups at Heathridge and Ardross What others have said about our group gatherings:

“It has certainly helped me on my journey of grief. It is so

healing to meet with other bereaved parents. We can walk the

walk together and be with others who truly

understand and care”.

“You offered an experience which allowed me the peace,

space and environment to share my particular agony with

other bereaved parents who I know will become new friends”.

"“To be with people who experienced similar made

me feel normal".

“Such a unique opportunity to come and meet with others who

understand the pain of the loss of a beloved son or daughter.

Here you can immerse yourself in the comfort and warmth of

a dedicated team of bereaved parent supporters.”

"The biggest thing I took from the group meeting was being in

a safe place, surrounded by others who understand the grief

you are going through and being able to identify with each

other about the isolation and frustrations that grief brings"

The Worst Loss

“Every parent’s worst nightmare is to lose a child”.

This phrase may be a cliché but each year, for

thousands of parents and siblings, the nightmare

becomes a reality.

For over 40 years, The Compassionate Friends has

been offering support to families in their time of greatest

need from the only source that really understands—

other bereaved families. With mutual support, we guide

each other through the new world in which we find

ourselves.

Whatever the age of the child you have lost and

whatever the cause, we are here for you and we can say

truly:

“I know how you feel.”

The Compassionate Friends has no religious or political

affiliations. We are all one in our shared loss.

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WEB SITES

For a list of grief sites please look at;

www.compassionatefriendswa.org.au

We also invite you to view The Compassionate Friends of Western Australia web and view web sights worldwide. You may also consider accessing email newsletter’s from TCF worldwide. We are truly a worldwide group and encourage you to make links when traveling.

Please let us know if you have changed your telephone number or your address.

If you would like your newsletter e-mailed, please contact us on

info@compassionatefriendswa.org.au If you no longer require the newsletter please or have changed your address, email or phone to

cancel delivery.

SIBLINGS: The Forgotten Mourners A Guide to Healthy Grieving

This DVD is intended to assist bereaved siblings to deal with the death of a brother or sister in a

healthy manner. $16.50 each plus postage $2.35 Please contact TCF Mandurah on 9535 7761

SUICIDE IN MEMORIAM BOOK

Please pass on your loved ones name direct to: info@perthcathedral.org

38 St George’s Terrace, Perth WA 6000

WE ARE HERE 54 Simpson Street, Ardross Perth WA

(offices next door to St David’s Anglican Church)

A Worldwide Organisation

The Compassionate Friends of Western Australia strives to support families who have lost a child, regardless of that child’s age, throughout WA. We are a non-profit, non-government funded charity that provide peer call support, group meetings, a drop in centre, sending out quarterly newsletters, Anniversary cards, Walk to Remember and a Candlelight (non-religious) service at Christmas. We are run by volunteers and bereaved parents that are further along in their grief and wish to help others who have suffered this tragedy. Although we are not counsellors, we encourage you to reach out to us. Although everybody’s grief is different, it helps to talk to someone who has actually had this tragedy happen to them. They WON’T say “I know how you feel”, as no-one can, but they will say “I don’t know exactly what you are feeling but this is how I felt when my child died”. We raise funds by holding events, charity drives and donations from our members and outside bodies. Although this is fantastic, we still struggle with the cost of keeping our doors open, so any suggestions on fundraising or donations are gratefully accepted, whether they be a prize for our quiz night or financial.

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PEER SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS We invite and welcome our fellow bereaved parents to the following groups. We value your company and after the group session we welcome sharing of supper or lunch and friendships. You are most welcome to bring a plate to share. The group last approximately 2 hours for caring and sharing stories. Parent support groups start between 7.00 -7.30pm.

See you there”.

ARDROSS 2nd Wednesday of each month 7pm—8.30pm

At: 54 Simpson Street, Ardross (next door to St David’s Anglican Church) Ring Margaret 0411 770 599 for details

HEATHRIDGE

4th Thursday of each month at 7.30pm No meeting in April due to public holiday.

At: The Spiers Centre, cnr Albatross Court and Poseidon Road, Heathridge.

Contact Lillian on 0417 907 711

MANDURAH 1st Thursday of each month for bereaved

parents, grandparents and siblings. At: Eastlake Church, cnr Lakes Road and

Murdoch Drive, Mandurah 7pm—9pm

Office: Lotteries House, 7 Anzac Place, Mandurah. Phone: 9535 7761

MANDURAH SUICIDE GROUP

3rd Friday of each month At: Lotteries House, 7 Anzac Place, Mandurah

9.30am—12.30pm

BUNBURY 4th Wednesday of each month

Please ring Wendy first on 9725 0153

We need not walk alone. We are The Compassionate Friends.

We reach out to each other with love, understanding and with hope.

Our children have died at all ages and from many different causes, but our

love for our children unites us.

For any information, please call our office on 6107 6288 or 6107 6257

Our local call support volunteer is

Lillian on (08) 6107 6288 Perth Jillian on (08) 9652 9017

for Badgingarra and Doreen and Peter Shorter on

(08) 9764 1101 for Ballingup

To ensure that information is accurate and up to date, you and your call will be most welcomed. The Compassionate Friends of Western Australia does not make any recommendations to any one view of grief or way of mourning, as each of you will find your unique way of expressing your love and pain on the tragic death of your precious loved one. We provide a range of literature from TCFWA and worldwide as well as a book library, plus professional input. These are provided knowing that you will choose and then respond in a way that you believe to be the best for you at any given time. We welcome the sharing of your stories and poems in the newsletter so others know that they are not alone. “You will make a difference!”. The articles and written material in this newsletter may not represent the opinions of TCFWA Inc members and associates.

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS of

WESTERN AUSTRALIA Inc. 54 Simpson Street, Ardross 6153 (offices

next door to St David’s Anglican Church)

Phone: 6107 6288 or 6107 6257

info@compassionatefriendswa.org.au

Category A Charity No: 18526

ABN: 1741 750 2246

Donations always welcome to our account

BSB 066001 Account no 10107668

We Need Not Walk Alone