relationship enders- ten ways to lose the one you love

7/29/2019 Relationship Enders- Ten Ways to Lose the One You Love

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Relationship Enders: Ten Ways to Lose the One You Love

By Chris Lewis, EdS, LPC

When a relationship or marriage ends, it is not uncommon for people to say that we just

grew apart or we just werent in love anymore. While this is likely true, it is not

inevitable and there are many things couples can do to prevent this from happening.

Many relationships fail for one simple reason: they have been neglected.

Relationships, like any other living, dynamic entity, need nourishment, attention, and

care to survive, but what often happens is that the spouses or partners fall into patterns

that become actively destructive to their relationships.

The following are ten of the most reliably caustic and insidiously destructive traits that

we are all susceptible to falling into in relationships. Each of these alone can, over time,

wear away at our commitment and love and result in divorce or separation from our

spouses or partners.

The challenge in reading these will be to look not at our partners and what they may be

doing wrong, but to look inward at our own interactions and behavior in relationship to

others, and to make a commitment to change those patterns and become the personour partners would want to be with.

1. Forgetting Kindness

This may seem simplistic; however, it is not uncommon for us to take our loved ones for

granted and to find ourselves being kinder to strangers than we are to those we love the

most. Familiarity can make us forget the importance of saying thank you for cooking a

meal or cleaning the dishes, or to ask for assistance with household help instead of

making demands. These small changes can make the difference between our spouses

feeling used and taken advantage of and feeling loved and appreciated.

2. Needing to Be Right


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Much of the day-to-day conflict that couples grapple with is the result of a power

struggle over who is right and who is wrong. The content of the conflict becomes trivial

or insignificant compared to who wins. Sadly, when this dynamic is in play, nobody

wins. The partner who has the last, and often loudest, word may feel satisfied, but how

is that winning when the result is alienation of their loved one? We need to learn to letgo of being right, which by definition, makes our partners wrong. It is a losing battle for

both partners.


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3. Focusing on Me Instead of We

This by no means suggests that we should put our own needs aside or neglect self-

care, but it does suggest that the We, the actual relationship, is an entity in itself whichalso requires care and attention to its needs. If both partners are struggling to assert

their own needs above the needs of the relationship, the relationship will suffer. There

are times when compromise is necessary, and it is important to ensure that this is a

balanced process with the needs of both partners getting and giving equal

consideration.

4. Being Dishonest

Dishonesty obviously destroys trust and kills relationships. However, there is a realm of

honesty that many couples neglect; emotional honesty. Not being honest about our

feelings with each other prohibits the development of emotional intimacy, which is the

true foundation of successful, long-term relationships and marriages. Withholding our

true feelings does not allow our partners to know our deeper, emotional selves and over

time this is what defines the growing apart phenomena that couples describe as

relationship-ending.

5. Criticizing and Focusing on Negatives

Sadly, it is not uncommon for individuals to describe their spouses or partners as being

the most critical people in their lives. Few things can be more soul-destroying than

constantly hearing from a partner or spouse that one is not smart enough, pretty or

handsome enough, or good enough in general. Constant picking apart and criticizing

those we love will only result destruction not only of the relationship, but of the self-

esteem of the person we should cherish and uplift the most.

6. Neglecting Intimacy

When couples experience infidelity, it is often because there has been a lack of both

physical and emotional intimacy in their relationships that has slowly degraded over

time due to simple neglect. It does require an investment of time and energy to nurture

our relationships, and this time and energy is often spent in the more functional and


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operational aspects of our home lives to the detriment of our intimacy. Work, school,

family, and social commitments can command much of our energy, and leave little left

to invest in sharing ourselves with our partners on a deeper, more intimate level.


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7. Not Taking Care of Ourselves

Self-care is a pre-requisite for relationship-care. The latter cannot happen without the

former. It is very much like the instruction on airplanes; in case of oxygen depletion,parents should secure their own oxygen source before assisting their children. Without

caring for ourselves first, we are simply unable to sustain care for a relationship. This is

not a selfish act, although many people struggle with this concept. Loving ourselves, in

fact, enables us to love others.

8. Being Controlling

Control is not love. Control is fear and power based. It does not trust and does not

nurture. It destroys. Controlling our partners, or attempting to, will prevent the kind of

trust that is necessary to the true foundation of a long-term relationship. Furthermore,

real control is only an illusion. We only have control over our own actions and

behaviors, not those of others. Ever.

9. Jealousy

Being jealous or suspicious of our partners sends the message to them that we do not

believe they are capable of being honest, faithful, or true. Jealousy is devastating torelationships, and over time, can be more harmful to a relationship than actual infidelity.

Jealously impugns the nature of the person that we love and keeps us locked in a

prison of our own making; one of fear and suspicion. It will kill the very relationship it

seeks to protect. Jealousy and trust cannot co-exist, and without trust there is no strong

foundation for an intimate relationship.

10. Fostering Online Romantic/Sexual Relationships

Last, but certainly not least, is the more recent phenomenon of online romantic and

sexual relationships, which are becoming increasingly responsible for marriages and

long-term relationships ending in heartbreak. These often begin with a seemingly

innocuous lure of an anonymous dalliance or flirtation, but they quickly become

addictive and extremely destructive. Marriage counselors offices are becoming more

and more populated with couples who have experienced all of the pain of infidelity,


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although there has never been physical contact with another person. An emotional,

sexual, or online affair is exactly that: an affair.

Obviously, there are many reasons that marriages fail and long-term relationships grow

apart, but these patterns and behaviors are often present when, and long before, thefailure occurs. It is important to look at our own interactions with our loved ones, with

these patterns in mind, to ensure that we are not behaving in ways that will actively

push our partners away from us and our relationships.

relationship enders- ten ways to lose the one you love

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