THE “GIVENS” OF RELATIONSHIPS: ANTIDOTES TO UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. 

Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. 

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The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic

Expectations.  This should be required

reading for everyone dating, considering marriage and married. It is, without a doubt, the best thing I have seen on the subject. David Richo deserves a medal for this. -Patrick O’Neill

David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular work-shops on personal and spiritual growth. He com-bines Jungian, poetic, and mythic perspectives in his work with the intention ofintegrating the psychological and the spiritual.

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Patrick O’Neill leads Extraordinary Conversations Inc., a Toronto-based management consulting firm specializing in change management, leadership development, team dynamics and conflict resolution.

 A student of human and organizational dynamics, Patrick’s work has taken him to global corporations in North America, Europe and Asia Pacific; to the townships of South Africa; and to the peace process in the Middle East.

 He has worked with thousands of people, and hundreds of teams and organizations over twenty years. He has been acknowledged as a gifted teacher, consultant, mediator and mentor. As well, Patrick has made a contribution to the practices of leadership and collective work through the development of leading edge educational programs that are practical, pragmatic and applicable to the family, workplace and community.

BEING YOUR OWN PRIMARY PARTNER I am my own primary partner. I do things for myself

that are just to show me how much I love myself. I go on dates with me. I go on long bike rides, I row boats, I bake cookies, I wear clothes that make me feel good, I am learning to play ukulele, I snuggle with my rabbits, I read books in sunbeams, I make zines and stencils, I take long showers, ….

I do not do anything solely because I feel obligated to do it. I treat myself the way I want to treat others.

I treat myself with caring, patience, and with a conscious desire to be kind and respectful.

My life is one giant self-care ritual. It’s wonderful

December 29, 2011 · by parksdunlap · in Uncategorized

Are you alone now?

1“All factors in relationships pass through phases: intimacy, affection, sexual interest/energy, commitment to children and family, compatibility, self-disclosure.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

2Only at rare moments is the love in one partner the same as that in the other.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

3Priorities are continually changing for each partner. The integrity of the union may not always be a priority.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

4No truly loving relationship takes away–or can take away–even one of your basic human rights.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

5Intimate relationships survive best with constant permission for ever-changing ratios of closeness and distance

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

6What creates  distance in your relationship, you may be using unconsciously to get distance.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

7The best relationship includes space for you to pursue individual choices and to be compassionately attentive to any threat your partner may feel.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

8No one can control or change someone else, nor is it necessary.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

9No one is loyal or truthful all the time.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

10No expectations are valid and not even agreements are always reliable.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

11Your partner may not always be a consistent, nurturant, or trust-worthy friend to you (nor you to your partner).

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

12You are ultimately alone and ultimately able to

make it

alone.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

13No relationship can create self-esteem, only support it.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

14There is no one person who will make you happy, keep you fascinated, love you as your favorite parent did, or give you the love you missed from your parents.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

15Most people in relationships seldom know what they really want, ask for what they really want, or show what they really feel.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

16Most people avoid or fear

intimacy, consistent honesty,

intense feelings, and uninhibited joy.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

17Beneath every serious complaint about your partner is something unowned in yourself.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

18Letting go of blame and the need to be right heals a relationship most efficaciously.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

19Jealousy and possessiveness, though not desirable, are normal human feelings.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

20“Goodbye” is rarely said clearly; most people ease away wordlessly and avoid full confrontation

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

21No one is to blame when a relationship ends.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

22The end of one relationship will always require a space before another relationship can begin

healthily.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

23It is normal for memories, regrets, the wish for revenge, and a recurrent sense of loss far, far to outlast the ending of a relationship.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

24One of your (or your partner’s) parents is a phantom, but active, presence at the beginning, middle or ending of your relationship.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

25The powerful appeal of someone new may tell you more about your own neediness than about the charms of the other person.

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.

26A relationship is a spiritual path since it consists of a continual shedding of illusions.”

The “Givens” of Relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations.