relationships – agony or ecstasy? - caryn walsh...• many more women access dating sites than...

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Relationships – Agony or Ecstasy?Key things you need to know to improve yours!

Copyright © 2014 by Caryn Walsh, Sydney, NSW Australiawww.ExpertsSuccess.com.au/CarynWalsh

email: [email protected]

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About The Author

About Caryn Walsh – A Dynamo!Recently described as Australia’s answer to Oprah Winfrey, this funny, entertaining and vivacious international speaker, Caryn Walsh, packs a powerful speaking punch every time! Regarded as one of the top facilitators in her field, her repertoire of top talks centre on creating and enjoying meaningful relationships, transformational leadership at any level, enhancing individual and organisational resilience, using our emotions constructively in everything we do (emotional intelligence), leading with integrity and overcoming adversity.

Prominent Business Leader and Coach

Keen to change the world, this dynamic presenter and business leader has a plan for change on various levels. She has passion and seriously high levels of motivation to help others by sharing what she’s learned about never giving up even when things get really tough, and why finding your MOJO at any age and stage of life is so important. An impressive career that’s included many years working as a Psychologist/Counsellor in private practice and lecturing in psychology at two leading Australian Universities, Caryn also has a strong background in organisational and people development and consults to many large organizations in Australia and the South Pacific region on leadership, organizational development and change management. With that kind of background, it’s easy to see how someone would end up with a view that regardless of what is happening in our lives, we can turn things around and thrive. Live magically. Lead magically.She knows that when we have a real passion for life, learning, people, and we are focused on transforming our spaces and places, we collectively raise the water level so that all our boats float higher every day.

Grow Leaders and People, Grow Organisations and Nations

She’s one of the top facilitators in leadership, team and people development in Australasia and with her team is putting the wind in the sails of many companies – large and small – helping them grow their leaders and people and, in the process, transform their organisations. Her leadership coaching focusses on helping individuals and organisations grow, and she takes who (and what) they are destined to be along new pathways to success. Her audiences - now numbering in the tens of thousands - love the energy and inspiration she brings to the stage. Audiences, clients, colleagues and friends describe Caryn as very funny, with endless energy and optimism. She has an infectious love of life, a wicked sense of humour and a love of guiding and coaching those around her to become all they want to be.


Table of Contents

Page

About Caryn Walsh – A Dynamo! .............................................................................................3

Chapter 1: Agony or Ecstasy? ....................................................................................................5

Chapter 2: No Man Is an Island: Humans as Social Animals ..........................................5

Chapter 3: Start with the Basics ...............................................................................................8

Chapter 4: We Are Our Relationships ...................................................................................9

Chapter 5: For Now, For a While or Forever? .................................................................... 10

Chapter 6: ‘You Complete Me’ ................................................................................................ 12

Chapter 7: Emotional Sabotage ............................................................................................. 12

Chapter 8: Watch out for White Ants ...................................................................................13

Chapter 9: If You Have Nothing Nice to Say… ....................................................................13

Chapter 10: Are You Part of the Problem? ......................................................................... 14

Chapter 11: The Law of the Farm .......................................................................................... 14

Chapter 12: Emotional Bank Accounts ................................................................................16

Chapter 13: Get Emotionally Smart ......................................................................................16

Chapter 14: Less Criticism, More Praise .............................................................................16

Chapter 15: 12 Principles of Successful Relationships ...................................................17

Recommended Reading ............................................................................................................19

References ....................................................................................................................................20

Internet References ...................................................................................................................20


RELATIONSHIPS – Agony or Ecstasy?Caryn Walsh

Chapter 1: Agony or Ecstasy?

I’m a people watcher. Have been for 25 years. I got into the business of psychology and organizational development over two decades ago, having studied a lot and taught psychology at university for much of that time, and since then I have observed a lot of relationships. All types of them, in fact. Relationships that are happy, relationships that struggle and putt along and relationships that stay glued together even though they are fraught with conflict and disharmony.Not only have I observed hundreds of thousands of people over the years (well, it feels like it anyway!), but I have also had the privilege of working with many (individuals, couples, families, teams, organizational leaders and board members) to help them learn ‘how to do’ relationships, how to understand behaviours and thoughts that make relationships with ourselves and others grow and thrive.How to turn them from agony to ecstasy, where possible.Having conducted this self-acquired research and acquired this extensive knowledge and experience, I became fascinated with learning about how to make relationships grow from mediocre to great. Much of what follows may not be new or groundbreaking for some readers, but for others it may be; at the very least, it should be a healthy refresher. My hope is that you will walk away with a few thoughts about your relationships and reflect on ways to improve them in the future.

Chapter 2: No Man Is an Island: Humans as Social Animals

Let me paint a picture for you. A few years ago I travelled to Africa with my children and had the opportunity to take them to one of the most glorious animal parks in the world—Kruger National Park. Aside from witnessing some of the most memorable situations and wild animal experiences, I vividly recall on one occasion spending what seemed like about three years in our car, in the heat of the day, watching a troop of baboons cavorting with each other. The older primates were more sedentary, occasionally looking up to see what the fuss was about (people were stopping their cars to watch them). Bored, some went back to sleep, whilst others got up to look for their young. A clearly irritable pregnant mother slowly rose, picked up her infant baboon who had been annoying her, crudely shouted at him (or so it appeared) and shoved him aside.

AffectionThe younger baboons were rushing around everywhere, playing hide and seek and running up and down the trees, shrieking with delight. Two were throwing a rotten banana at each other, teasing each other



in a game of cat and mouse. Some parents lay next to each other, hugging. To the left of the troop were two young males, snarling and spitting at each other whilst a young female lay nearby, watching the two young contenders for her affection battle it out. Just before we moved on, I noticed a large male stride towards the small baboons, who all scuttled out of the way as he approached—clearly he was the leader of the troop and ‘the one who must be obeyed’.They were just like humans. They truly were. Some reminded me of family members. Others made me think of other people I know. How they play, attach to each other, get angry, learn their place in the ‘hierarchical’ pecking order and even how they argue over a prized possession—the beautiful and most popular female baboon in the troop—was so human-like. There was even a ‘boss’ of the organization, like his human counterpart who walks down the corridor while people make way to let him pass. The human condition was everything I saw in that experience.

Born SocialHumans are not born to be alone. As primates, we are born into groups, much like baboons. Belonging to a group defines who we are and positions our starting point in life. Without this social connection, human babies would not survive. Neither would most warm-blooded animals, come to think of it. It is nurturing, support and ongoing encouragement that helps our species survive. Living together is a natural state for us as human beings.Let’s briefly consider how this relentless search for attachment still persists as adults. Think of the online dating market, for example. In America, singles spend $82 billion every year on datin g. According to Dating Sites Review (August 2014), the US dating service market is estimated to be worth $2.2 billion. Alone, single and hating it, people go online to search for ‘The One’—the desirable person with whom they can connect intimately and spend the rest of their natural lives with.

Some interesting online statistics:

• The percentage of couples who meet online is up to about 1 in 4 and is still on the rise.• Many more women access dating sites than men, with the highest percentages being Chemistry

at 71.8%, eHarmony (68.6%), Match (55%) and Yahoo Personals (48.6%).• 67% of singles know couples who’ve met through online dating. • Today, 33% of couples have met online. By 2040 this number will rise to 70%. • Online dating is second only to meeting through friends as the most common way to meet.

Source: www.datingsitereviews.com

What is a relationship? I see relationships as strong emotional, social (and at times physical) connections with other human beings to meet a range of different needs we all have—a sense of belonging, attachment, connectedness, love, purpose and survival.



Think about the friends you have. Why are they your friends? What is it about them that makes you think of them with affection and trust them with your innermost secrets and fears? It is because our friends help us make sense of the world around us, because they assist us in getting through difficult times and are there for us no matter what.Consider your workplace. Most of us work because we have to, but other social needs are often met there as well. Working with a team of people each day, year in and year out, often reinforces our sense of belonging to something that is important, a place where we can achieve things we could not do on our own.Why is this important? Because without connectedness to others, without human bonding, humans as a species would not survive at all. The baboons would not survive, and neither would we. Human lives are about relationships, professional and personal.American-Canadian developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth and British psychologist John Bowlby’s ground-breaking research on attachment is important to clinicians in their work on understanding the types and quality of attachment young children form with their primary caregivers and how this may affect their relationships in later life. Human relationships are about attachment, connectedness, belonging.Over the years I have often been asked the question ‘Why are we attracted to one particular person and not another’? What makes this person attractive to me and not another person? Chemical reactions, values, attitudes, feelings of attraction—the theories abound. For more about attachment and our need to be social, visit http://Caryn-Walsh.com.au/Relationships.

SynchronicityIn his illuminating book Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explains a range of research outcomes about relationships and the neuro-biological reasons behind them. He explains that the more ‘two people unconsciously synchronise their movements and mannerisms during their interaction, the more positively they will feel about the encounter – and each other’. (p 31) Perhaps the attraction we have towards each other is found in part in the

‘dance’ we participate in when relating with each other and how this mirroring of each other’s behaviour in that interaction enhances or disadvantages our relationships, as Goleman indicates.

Your Relationship Checkpoints:

What sort of relationships do you have around you? Think of the five people closest to you in the world. For each, give yourself a score out of ten (ten being the highest) and determine how good you believe each relationship is.



Chapter 3: Start with the Basics

In theory, relationship basics seem simple. So why do we struggle? Why do so many of them start out really well and then over time either just ‘putt along’ like a well-oiled old car or fade away into the ether? Theories abound, but I like to keep it simple:

1. Self-Awareness: Before you try to have a good relationship with others, start by having a great one with yourself, warts and all.

2. Be loyal to the other person and the relationship itself. For example, if somebody criticizes the person with whom you are in a relationship (be it a friend, partner, child, work colleague or spouse), stand in their corner. Without loyalty and trust, you don’t have a relationship.

3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.4. Be committed to the long haul. Some see relationships as ‘a dime a dozen’. They come, they go.

But those relationships that matter, truly matter, take effort, time and energy. It is easy to walk away from any of our relationships, but that does not solve how we are in our relationships.

5. Learn how to be emotionally intelligent. Manage your emotions well. Make them count for you, not against you. At all times, fight fair.

6. Optimism and being fun to be around go a long way towards creating an enjoyable relationship.7. Be transparent and honest. If you are not sure how to do this, then go and learn how.

Communication must be regular and open.


Consider the seven points above. Consider one personal and one professional relationship. Out of ten (ten being the highest), score yourself on each of these points with regard to these two

relationships.Which were the two lowest scores you gave yourself for each relationship?What can you do to improve those ratings with these people? What action will you take?

Relationships are about humans, and humans are multi-layered, diverse and often complex. Many things in life are simple. Add humans to the mix, and they get complicated. Seven non-negotiable attributes of successful relationships are:



Chapter 4: We Are Our Relationships

People are born into families, cultures and societies. This is part of the tapestry of our lives. And it is these tapestries and our experiences that make us the person we are. Naturally, we grow and develop through acquired knowledge and experience as we travel through life, but those early formative years, the early relationships that we have with others, have a profound effect on how we attach to others and how we see ourselves in our world. For example, a child born into a closely bonded Greek family over time gets used to regular celebrations, extended family visits, a certain culture and religion and particular ‘ways of doing things’. In essence, this person describes their world as ‘our’ way of doing things, as the way ‘we Greeks marry, celebrate family achievements and spend time together.’ Thus the collective stories, families, cultures and religions into which we are born have a significant effect on the relationships we have with those around us. They play a large role in the tapestry of our lives and contribute to the people we are.

Countless ExamplesThere are countless examples where our roles define us. I am a ‘married’ woman (I am defined as a wife), I have ‘several children’ (I am defined as a parent), I am a sister (I am defined as a sibling) and I am an employee (I am defined as having peers.)In organizations, people are often defined by the jobs they have or the roles they fill. They become defined by their careers (being an accountant or solicitor, for example). When this powerful status and image is removed (through retirement, for example), the loss of the relationship they have with their career often leaves them questioning where they belong now or how they fit into society. Research into retirement has indicated that this loss of identity, coupled with little activity and no interests, results in depression and anxiety in later years.

Changing Relationships: The Empty Nest Syndrome and RetirementThe empty nest syndrome is another powerful example. This confusing (some say exhilarating!) life stage is about a person’s changing role in their children’s lives. Their role over the first twenty or so years of their child’s life has been provider, guide, parent and nurturer, and suddenly that relationship changes. Their role has changed, and they are not needed in the same way they once were. Often, distress, disorientation and the ongoing question of ‘Where do I belong and what is my role?’ become a foundation of the distress attached to the empty nest syndrome.



Retirement is the same. Research conducted by the US National Library of Medicine and National Institutes of Health found that depression and depressive symptoms are significantly associated with retirement in the late-middle-aged US population. It is unclear whether it is depression that forces individuals to retire in this age bracket or whether depressive symptoms are associated with retirement in general. If it is the latter, it supports my belief that when people finish their busy careers and commence retirement and have not planned to be active in it, they often struggle with depression and despair. This is because the very thing that gave them purpose (their career), that defined who they are and what they do, is past, and they grapple with where they now fit in their world.Why is this important, you may ask? Because the role we play in our relationships at any one time and the value we place on those relationships has a significant impact on the way we see ourselves, both within them and when we have lost them. The once happily married man is often totally bereft at the loss of his ‘other half ’ and asks ‘how am I going to get through without her?’ He has strongly defined himself as a man, husband and friend in the context of this relationship, which greatly impacts his ability and sense of self when it is over, by whatever means.


What relationships give you purpose in life?How do you define yourself in your career?How do you define yourself overall in your personal and professional life?

Chapter 5: For Now, For a While or Forever?

Some relationships are destined to remain part of our lives for the whole journey, some are temporary and others are just passing through. The level of each relationship and the value we place on it are often contained in the question: Is this relationship in my life for now, for a little while or forever?Friendship implies mutual affection, support and encouragement and strong bonds between people. These relationships are characterised by key interpersonal skills such as loyalty, empathy, active listening, nurturing, honesty and non-judgment. Some friendships happen very quickly, while others evolve over time. As we journey through life, our connections to others occur in stages:

People we don’t know—strangersPeople we recognise as having met beforeAcquaintancesFriendsPeople within our inner circle, including our intimate relationships

Friendships are a key part of our lives, as they give us a sense of solidary and security. They help us thrive.



The Relationship ‘Struggle Street’Why do most relationships struggle? I believe there are a few key areas, apart from a lack of effective communication, commitment and dedication. Recent research recorded by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (2013) indicates that whilst divorce rates in the country are slightly down on average over the last five years, the greatest number of divorces occur, interestingly, in marriages of twenty years or more. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. No such thing as a perfect friendship, perfect partnership, perfect team, perfect organization. To believe there is such a thing is unrealistic.

That’s because nobody is perfect (barring my first boyfriend, who repeatedly told me he was!), and so there is no perfect relationship—although many young couples who are ‘in love’ tell me they have it! ‘Our relationship is perfect!’ they exclaim. ‘We were made for each other’. ‘A match made in heaven!’ Why then do they want to change this ‘perfection’? Why fix what ain’t broke, right? ‘Everything is fantastic’, he says, ‘but my only problem is that since we got married, she seems to have a spending problem!’She says: ‘We get along really well, but his desire for physical

connection drives me crazy. I wish we could have some connection that did not always end up in sex. Why must a hug always end up in the sack?’ Sound familiar?

I can change him/herBad news: you can’t! If I had a dollar for every time I heard ‘I know I can change him’ or, even better, ‘When we get married and have children, I know she will settle down and become more focused as a wife and mother’, I would be a seriously wealthy woman!It’s no different with our children. Parents say to me, ‘I expect him to behave properly’ or ‘My expectations are that he should be polite to others’.Discipline them. Teach them. Guide them.

Our expectations of others are often simply too high. We demand too much, expect too much and want even more.


Look at the important relationships around you and work out whether your expectations of others are fair or unrealistic. Be brutally honest with yourself in this exercise.

What we don’t get is that we don’t have control over other people. All we have is control over ourselves. But we keep our expectations of others at the forefront of our minds, and when they don’t meet them, we experience anger and frustration.



Chapter 6: ‘You Complete Me’

‘He completes me’, I often hear somebody tell me in confidence. ‘She makes me feel whole. As if nothing can hurt me’. Together, we make a whole’. I flinch. I wince. As long as you allow any other person to ‘complete’ you, you leave yourself vulnerable to being let down, unappreciated and hurt. In relationships, two people don’t make a whole. A whole makes a whole. If you have two people with ‘broke n’ pasts attracted to and in a relationship with each other, the chances of it remaining both successful and fruitful is unlikely. Sometimes we go from relationship to relationship hoping that the next one will the ‘the one’. It does not work that way. We carry our ‘stuff ’ with us. Like a good backpack! You go, it goes! So if you truly want a great relationship with another person, learn how to have one with yourself first. Learn to like who you are, learn to appreciate the good things you do and the gifts you bring to yourself and those around you. Learn to be content in your skin, because nobody can do that for you. If you need help (such as a coach or therapist), do something about it today.


Do you rely on others to make you happy, or are you generally content within yourself ?Are you comfortable being single, or are you always looking to be in a relationship, even though

you may not particularly love the other person?Don’t look outside of the relationship to find solace. It has to be attained within your relationship.

Chapter 7: Emotional Sabotage

Have you ever awoken one morning embarrassed about shouting at somebody the night before or ‘losing your cool’ with your kids? Remember screaming at your colleague or boss in total frustration? Ever said something you wished you could take back? Most of us have, at some time, allowed our emotions to ‘get the better of us’. We call this emotional sabotage, and nothing good comes of it. Emotional intelligence is about managing your emotions so that they work for you, not against you. A hot tip: If your emotions rule you, immediately start to learn how to keep them in check in relationships, otherwise it can cost you!Visit http://Caryn-Walsh.com.au/Relationships to learn more about the destructive effects of emotional sabotage on your relationships and how to avoid them.



Chapter 8: Watch out for White Ants

Nasty, unnecessary and harmful, watch out for a relationship ‘white ant’. Notorious for eating through timber in a short period of time, colonies of this small parasite are able to bring a whole house down if they are allowed to eat through the timber walls that support it.

Let’s extend this metaphor to relationships. Relationship ‘white ants’ eat their way into the good part of the relationship. Eventually, if they keep going, the whole relationship house will fall down. An example: An eight-year-old boy, filled with the exuberance of youth, told his mother ‘I am going to be man of the match today’. ‘No’, she replied, ‘you are too clumsy and not fast enough’. I watched the child withdraw, defeated, deflated and upset. Why not give him a big hug and tell him how proud of him you are and that even if he did not get the accolade he wanted, that he was still her man of the

match and her hero in every way. Another white ant eating away at their relationship and the child’s self-esteem.

Chapter 9: If You Have Nothing Nice to Say…

You have met them before: the Negative Nelly or Neville. The people who complain, moan and whine about anything. They are negative about their partners, their bosses, their children. They hate their in-laws and regret getting married. They have a ‘boss from hell’ and ‘don’t like the people they work with’. On and on it goes.I was on a plane a few weeks ago heading to Fiji to work there for a large organization. As a people watcher, I am alert to those around me and the interactions between them. In front of me was a family: a couple with their two small children and the mother of the wife clearly in tow to help the couple enjoy a family holiday by doing some much-needed baby-sitting. As we were disembarking, the grandmother asked the father of the child to get the baby’s pram down from the locker in front of them. The mother instantly shot out a toxic comment: ‘Don’t ask him. He’s incapable of doing that on his own’. Her comment, whilst she may have thought it funny, was both insensitive and unhelpful. People do this a lot. Each time they say something derogatory about their boss, child, colleague or any other significant person in their lives, another white ant takes a bite out of their relationship house. Eventually, it falls down, as criticism and sarcasm become the way they primarily relate.



Chapter 10: Are You Part of the Problem?

Now here is something that is far from revolutionary: If you aren’t part of the solution, then you are part of the problem.Think about this scenario. You normally have a good relationship with Sal, your work colleague, but over the past week, she has literally ignored you. You greet her and she barely whispers ‘Hello’ back. Initially upset, you now become annoyed at her ‘childish’ behavior. What is wrong with her, you ask yourself ? Typical Sal. One moment happy, the next moment moody. You are tired of her and her behavior and her moods. Bless her husband. Imagine having to put up with her!Few of us really take this thought further and question whether we could be part of the problem. Maybe there is something we have done to upset or aggravate her without knowing we have done so? The point is this: when we are in conflict with others, if we are not part of the solution, then we are part of the problem. What part of the problem do you play in your relationships?


Consider the major relationships in your life.Are they generally happy, or do you experience a lot of conflict in them?If you experience a lot of conflict in any of them, write down a list of the things you might be

doing to contribute to the problem.

The Clear Path Ahead

Chapter 11: The Law of the Farm

Family breakdown statistics in the United Kingdom indicate one of the highest breakdown rates in the Western world, with just two thirds of children living with both parents, according to research by global development company The Organisation for Economic Co-Operation and Development. In other words, only 68.9 percent of children live with both parents in the United Kingdom, well below the average of 84 percent.

Source: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-in-family-breakdown-epidemic-8432992.html



The reasons are many and outside the scope of this article. However, I believe firmly that one of the reasons relationships break down is that people simply don’t take enough time to nurture the relationships that are important to them.Steven Covey, researcher, psychologist and author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (he also wrote similar books on families, marriage and children) truly said it best. He articulated a powerful example of what is necessary to keep relationships alive. Consider his concept below.

‘Relationships, like farming, are relentless and take hard work’.

Farming is hard work. Up at dawn to ensure the cattle are fed and the grain is looked after, farmers are a special lot. Tough. Resilient. Always vigilant. Most would say that farming is not for the ‘faint-hearted’. It’s not one of those careers where you can go away for a couple of weeks or months for a well-deserved rest and expect everything to be good when you return. Farming is not something you do; farming is something you are, many would say. Covey’s concept of the law of the farm is something we should all consider, and it is simple:

In order to reap a strong and profitable harvest of wheat, it takes effort, time, nurturing, water, nutrients, attention to detail and vigilant surveillance to ensure that the crop is healthy and growing. Before the seedlings are planted, enormous effort is undertaken to ensure the ground is cleared, the soil is turned, moisture is added and then the seedlings are planted. Over time, and through constant nourishing, the crop is given fertilizer and more water and is constantly looked after to ensure bugs don’t attack it and the crop is healthy. If this constant effort is done well, the farmer’s efforts yield a fantastic crop that is sold at a premium price in markets both domestic and international. This is another helpful Covey concept.

The Law of the Farm applies to our relationships. The principles are exactly the same. All of our relationships, be they marriages or relationships with work colleagues, children, friends, in-laws, peers, parents or siblings, require attention, nurturing, care and daily depositing of good things into their ‘emotional bank account’.

Learn more about how to improve your relationships and change your life for the better at http://Caryn-Walsh.com.au/Relationships



Chapter 12: Emotional Bank Accounts

Once again I draw on the work of Steven Covey, who, in his internationally acclaimed book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about seeing our relationships as having ‘emotional bank accounts’.

The more credit (the good things) you put into a relationship, the healthier the account is. The more you withdraw, the less credit you have. Relationships break down when we withdraw too much from the relationship account and put in fewer deposits or credits. By withdrawals we mean

arguing, being nasty, undermining the other person and being unkind. Putting constant credit (being supportive and helpful and listening to the other person, for example) in the relationship’s emotional account will keep it healthy, even when withdrawals are made. If you constantly make withdrawals from the relationship account without putting in credit, the relationship breaks down over time, hostility arises and either one or both parties can’t sign the divorce decree fast enough. Remember the Law of the Farm. Every day, care for and look after the relationships that are important to you. Banish complacency and familiarity.

Chapter 13: Get Emotionally Smart

Earlier I talked about ‘out of control’ emotions, which occur when you allow your emotions to overrule your ability to think things through calmly. Road rage is a perfect example. I was crossing the Harbour Bridge in Sydney, Australia one busy Monday morning at peak hour. We were in a traffic jam and nobody was moving. Suddenly, an irate man, dressed in a smart suit and pointy-tipped shoes, flew out of his car door and proceeded to attack the driver of the car in front of me. He grabbed him out of the vehicle and began punching, kicking and hitting him. It was ridiculous. This is a prime example of emotions out of control. Sadly, a lack of emotional intelligence costs us dearly in this world—it causes us to invade countries that don’t belong to us, shoot innocent people in airplanes out of the sky and begin wars that could be avoided through calm emotions and collaborative dialogue.

Chapter 14: Less Criticism, More Praise

If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing. Research has indicated that relationships thrive on people being kind, supportive, encouraging and caring towards each other. One study boldly highlighted that great relationships thrive on seven validations a day. That’s right. Seven. This does not mean oozing love and cherishing the person all the time. It



does, however, mean being nice, thanking them for their efforts, telling them how much you appreciate them, praising them for a great job they have done and so forth.So, whether it is your boss, the chairman of the board, your spouse, your children or your neighbor, do you help your relationships through genuine praise or hinder them through ongoing criticism?


Do you say encouraging and supportive things to people in your life who are important to you every day?

How often do you validate your boss, your friends, your parents and your siblings? Your work colleagues?

Try this: Put a rubber band on your wrist and every time you say something or think something negative, ping it. Count how many pings you give yourself. You may be surprised.

Chapter 15: 12 Principles of Successful Relationships

1. Make time for yourself in your life. With the business of today’s world, we all seem stressed, rushing, trying to fit into 24 hours things that would take 48. In that chaos, slow down and look after yourself.

2. Make time for your marriage, your children, your family and your friends in your life. Spend time with them, play a lot, take time out as a couple, hang out more with the kids, your friends, your ageing parents.

3. Rethink your relationship with your work. Whilst you may love your work, adore your boss and think your organization truly rocks, at the end of the day you are dispensable. So is the boss. And his boss. Don’t become a slave to your organizational master.

4. Learn how to be emotionally intelligent in all of your relationships.5. Practice loyalty, integrity and honesty at all times.6. If you are going to fight (and we all do), fight fair! Personal insults will never work. 7. Listen, listen, listen. Besides not having nurturing your relationships as a priority, the biggest

culprit in bad relationships is a lack of willingness or an inability to listen. Spend time talking less and listening more. Listen to your colleagues, you friends, your family, your friends and your children, as they have so much to say and we can learn so much from them.

8. Apologise when you are wrong. You are not perfect, so leave your ‘high horse’ at the stable and ride your humble donkey through the front door.

9. Keep communicating, no matter what. Wait for emotions to calm down. Address the issues you have calmly and rationally.



10. Show empathy. The world is short on compassion. Practice more of it. See where the other person is coming from.

11. Be optimistic and fun to be around.12. Spread random acts of kindness to people around you—children, parents, spouses. Even people you don’t

know. The world needs more optimism and gentleness now than ever before. Spread the good stuff.


Relationship Well-being TestAnswer these simple questions to check the well-being of your relationships.

Disagree Sometimes Unsure Mostly Agree1. Overall I have happy

relationships with people around me most of the time

2. If I have a conflict with somebody, I calmly think about it and address it with the person soon after the incident

3. I am assertive and able to express my needs in my relationships

4. I am well liked at work and regarded as somebody who is easy to get along with

5. People would describe me as fun, happy and optimistic most of the time

6. People come to me when they have problems because I am seen as trustworthy and helpful

Reflection: For which statements did you answer ’Mostly’ or ‘Agree’? These are your personal strengths.For which these statements did you answer ‘Disagree’ or ‘Sometimes’? These are areas for you to think about and come up with ways to improve so your relationships are enhanced.



Action Plan: Choose the five most important relationships you have. How well do you get on in each of them most of the time?What one thing would the other people in these relationships say about you that you could do to improve your relationships with them? If you are unsure, ask them!Strategies: Over the next six months, what two strategies can you implement in your relationships, both at home and at work, to improve communication in them? In your action plan, specify when and how you will do this.

ConclusionBeing in relationships is part of the human experience. How we shape and grow our relationships is up to us. Relationships take time, commitment, dedication and nurturing to remain with us throughout life and to be healthy.

Hopefully, we can live in a different world where there is greater patience, increased acceptance of one another, a willingness to talk about and resolve issues and a greater capacity for understanding how the other person feels at any time. Nurture your relationships with all you’ve got. You never know when you won’t have them anymore.

Recommended Reading

Covey, S (2011) 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Simon & Schuster, New YorkCornelius, H, Faire, S, Cornelius, E (2006) Everyone can Win (2nd Ed) Simon & Schuster, AustraliaLerner, H, (2001) The Dance of Connection, Harper Collins SydneyLudden, M (2007) Effective Workplace Communication: Skills for Success in Life and on the Job, JIST

PublishingHold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue JohnsonNon-Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg.Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix

If we grow our relationships (including the one with ourselves) successfully by using the key principles outlined in this article on a daily basis, we can transform individuals, marriages, communities, societies and nations.




References

Covey, S (2011) 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Simon & Schuster, New YorkCornelius, H, Faire, S, Cornelius, E (2006) Everyone Can Win (2nd Ed) Simon & Schuster, AustraliaGoleman, D, (2006) Social Intelligence – The New Science of Human Relationships, Random House,

USA, Arrow Books

Internet References

Divorce rates Australia: http://www.aifs.gov.au/institute/info/charts/divorce (Accessed August 22 2014)

Online dating Statistics: http://www.datingsitesreviews.com/staticpages/index.php?page=Online-Dating-Industry-Facts-Statistics (Accessed August 24 2014)

Depression in retirement - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18370974 (Accessed August 18 2014)

Family relationships: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/uk-in-family-breakdown-epidemic-8432992.html (Accessed August 29 2014)

Conflict in the workplace: http://www.forbes.com/fdc/welcome_mjx.shtml (Accessed August 30 2014)

relationships – agony or ecstasy? - caryn walsh...• many more women access dating sites than...

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