reprinted with permission Ñ child care information ... · center rituals create community. they...

Child Care Information Exchange 11/00 — 47

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Creating Community, Generating Hope, Connecting Future and Past: The Role of Rituals in Our Lives by Bonnie Neugebauer

Minding Our Manners . . . An Early Childhood Approach by Jerry Parr

Respect Is a Verb: Help Children Put It Into Practice by Karen Stephens

Let’s Talk About Manners, Behavior, and Protocol by Magela Guimaraes

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Child Care Information Exchange ¥ PO Box 3249, Redmond, WA 98073-3249 ¥ (800) 221-2864

Rituals and Manners

Photograph by Subjects & Predicates

Reprinted with permission Ñ Child Care Information ExchangePO Box 3249, Redmond, WA 98073 ¥ (800) 221-2864 ¥ www.ChildCareExchange.com

It was theseason ofcherryblossomsand a day oftransitions Ñnot a goodday for visi-tors. But wewere gra-ciously wel-comed withindoor shoesplaced at theentrance, teaand cherryblossomcookies andgreat cour-tesies by the staff ofthis earlychildhood program in Tokyo, Japan. During theMoving Up program that was the focus of the day, thefive-year-old children sang a welcoming song abouttaking care of younger children. Each older child thentold what he or she would do to help the youngerchildren and gave one of them a necklace. Newteachers also told about themselves and were given anecklace.

When we arrived at the Punana Leo o KawaiahaÕoprogram, in Honolulu, Hawaii, we were asked to waitoutdoors and to take off our shoes. The children andteachers assembled outside the classroom to welcomeus to their school. In Hawaiian they sang to us,extended their greetings, then presented each of us

with an orchid lei and a personal greeting. We wereinvited to enter their school but asked to speak onlyin Hawaiian.

At the KawaiahaÕo School, we joined hands in thecircle for the morning ceremony of beginning the day.The flag was raised, prayers were said, and thechildren sang a beautiful pledge together. We werewelcomed with personal greetings and flowers beforethe circle broke into the morningÕs activities.


Creating Community, GeneratingHope, Connecting Future and Past:

The Role of Rituals in Our Lives

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by Bonnie Neugebauer

Bonnie Neugebauer is editor of Child Care InformationExchange.


At a center in California we rang the bell, announcedourselves, and were buzzed into the building. Thedirector came out of her office and greeted us warmly.She introduced us to the office staff and then beganour tour of her program. As we visited each class-room, the director introduced us to each of her staffand also to the children; in doing so she named eachchild.

Each of these stories tell us something about theimportance of rituals and manners in our lives. Butsometimes we donÕt see what is right in front of oureyes. When we talk about cultures other than ourown, we can readily identify the rituals that for usspeak to what thatculture is about. Butwhen asked to speakto our own rituals, wemay have to strugglea bit.

This article loomed inmy mind on the longdrive back from thebeach. My 20 year oldson Aaron and myhusband Roger weremy captive audience,during the short breakfrom alternativemusic that they bothenjoy Ñ endlessly!ÒSo what rituals do we have?Ó I asked, confident thatthey would spill over with ideas. We drove for 20miles before I gave up and started offering hints.

There are rituals that are part of our culture Ñ child-rearing practices, holiday ceremonies; rites of passage.Rituals which connect us to our past, rituals taught byone generation to the next may be cultural or reli-gious, or they may be familial. There are also the ritu-als that we create because we want to say somethingabout ourselves, about what we think is important, orbecause we want to create links. Wherever ritualsoriginate, whether they have been part of us for along time or short, they serve to identify us. They cre-ate community and a sense of belonging. They markwhat we value as most important. They distinguish

one group from another, one time period fromanother. They provide stability, consistency, and gen-erate expectation and hope. Their anticipation leadsus into the future. Their repetition connects us withthe past. Their familiarity comforts us.

But we live in a time when rituals are threatened. Rit-ualized ways of greeting and respecting one another,which we can call manners, are not generally valued.There are multitudinous reasons for this:

*Stranger anxiety has severely hampered opportuni-ties for children to practice their manners. Our fearshave directed us to teach children to beware of

strangers, rather thanhow to greet themrespectfully. We havetaught our children tobe fearful of peoplethey encounter. Myneighbor, ,Lorelee andI walk every morningat the same time aschildren are on theirway to school. Fewrespond to our cheerygreeting, even chil-dren we encounterevery day.

*Courtly gestures arespurned by many of

us as an effort to perpetuate inequality. So we seldomteach our sons to open doors or our daughters to exitfirst. It bothers me when my father opens doors forme and sometimes I tire in my effort to get to thedoor first. We have finally developed a turn-takingstrategy after he shared: ÒI need to do this for you.ÓThatÕs what his mother had taught him to do. Some-times respect means doing things the way someoneelse wants them done; sometimes respect requirescompromise.

*Mobility has fostered families in which generationslive apart from one another. The presence of grand-parents in our lives is critical to the perpetuation ofrituals. On a visit when our children were small, mymother observed: ÒYou always say please when you


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I pledge allegiance to the EarthAnd to all life that it nourishesAll growing things,All species of animals,And all races of people.

I promise to protect all life on our planet,To live in harmony with natureAnd to share our resources justly,So that all people can live with dignity,In good health and in peace.

© by Aline WolfNurturing the Spirit in Non-Sectarian Classrooms

Parent Child Press, Hollidaysburg, PA

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ask your children to dosomething; but younever say thank you.Ó I do now!

*The complexity ofcontemporary realitiescreate frequent changesin overfilled schedules,so we often shortcutrituals from fatigue;others are just difficultto schedule at all. Roger and our sons hadthe common ritual ofreading together beforebed. Tired as he was,Roger often fell asleepreading their favoritebook, The Great Brain,but the boys, anxious tostay up as late as possi-ble, would play quietlyas he snored away Ñtheir ritual replaced theintended one.

*There are so many diversions in the form of tech-nology, sports, meetings and other commitments that we often run out of time for rituals. Becausetelevision programs, committee meetings, and sportsevents are scheduled, rituals may be squeezed outbecause they have yet to be scheduled, their timingmay be perceived as more flexible. We made manyattempts at before bed tea times or rotations incooking nights or family reading times, but some-thing would change before the ritual became embed-ded in our minds and that would be the end of thatgood idea.

*In our efforts to see that our children get everyadvantage, we may give lessons and practices andsports events higher priority than the time togetherthat we are always pushing into tomorrow, or nextweek, or when the school year is over. Now that ourchildren are grown and live all over the world, we canspeak to the reality that what we couldnÕt makehappen at the time, just never happened.

As child care programs replace the function of theneighborhood in the social life of a family, it is criticalfor centers to create their own rituals and to build onthe rituals that are already in place Ñ the rituals of thestaff and families and the community.

Southern hospitality plays itself out in the life of childcare programs in that part of the United States. Whenwe visit programs around the country and the world,we should be able to identify where we are by therituals in place, whether they are part of the way inwhich visitors are welcomed, staff and children areintroduced, or in the way children and staff interactwith each other.

How will we teach manners to young children? Theywill receive our messages most clearly as they observeand participate in adult interactions. They are alwayswatching as a teacher talks with another child, thedirector welcomes their families in the morning, stafftalk to each other as they set up an activity. What theyobserve will be repeated in their play and extended


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into their life outside the center. So dramatic playoffers a wonderful opportunity to model respect. Asthe teacher sips her pretend tea, coddles the baby, talkson the telephone, the children will be learning.Center rituals create community. They become a pat-tern for integrating new children and families, newstaff. They give both old and new families traditionsand events to look forward to, and they become ascheduling structure for families to build on. Familiar-ity creates comfort for families and fuels loyalty.

Center rituals are a means of sharing the mission of aprogram. Because rituals focus attention on what isdeemed most important, families learn what a centeris really about. Whether rituals focus on passages(moving up day, first day of school, moving away,birthdays), development (first step, first word, learn-ing to read, writing a story), or holidays is a key mes-sage to parents and the community.

Center rituals speak to the community about what dis-tinguishes one program from another.What people hear about a programthrough word of mouth, media coverage,and center publicity builds an image aboutwhat makes that program unique.

Center rituals create patterns. Routineways of doing things help us to remembereverything that is part of that activity. Theways in which children are soothed intonap time, the music that is sung or playedduring clean up time, the greetings thatwelcome children in the morning, all helpchildren remember all that needs to bedone and facilitate their transitions. Whenwe turn a routine into a ritual, we individ-ualize it: we add grace, playfulness,humor, personality, ceremony Ñ in otherwords, we make it our own. The playful-ness and humor that we can add becomesa special language that bonds the childrento each other and fosters community.

So even though Roger and Aaron didnÕtreadily identify family activities as rituals,we have many of them and they bind ustogether as a family. One year after our

children began their comings and goings phase of life,I forgot a few elements of our Christmas Eve ritual.Alison, more perceptive in this regard than herbrother, was quick to point out what I had forgottenwith an ÒOh, Mom . . .Ó As each of our children createtheir own family rituals, I am sure that some of theseways of doing things will find a new life.

Rituals bring us together in community, whether asfamily, culture, or child care program. They link us toour past, building identity and bolstering self-esteem.They point to things we can count on engenderinghope for our future. Imagine itÕs your birthday . . . itÕsvery early in the morning because all the Neugebauersare assembling in your honor before anyone can leave.What a sleepy gathering of disheveled people! But ateach place is a warm blueberry muffin baked in yourhonor. Blow out the candle, make a wish and The Bea-tles will sing, ÒBirthday.Ó A birthday ritual thatreminds us who we are and what we treasure.


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Manners come in two forms: cosmetic and sincere. ThinkEddie Haskell and Joe Friday. After an Eddie encounter along, hot shower is in order. Eddie typified the smoothoperator, donning a cloak of manners as a device, ameans to accomplish selfish goals. Joe meant what hesaid and said what he felt. Yes, its Hollywood, but weÕveall met examples of both.

In an age when the debate about values education inschools remains unresolved, it is important for all educa-tors to understand the meaning of manners. Manners area manifestation of respect Ñ not simply respect for thosearound you but, more importantly, self-respect. We haveall agreed that helping young children develop self-esteem and a strong sense of self is a vital component ofsuccess in child care and school. In this context itbecomes a logical extension to include a mannerscurriculum. Not teaching roles and rites or learning howto set a table and which fork to use when (that should be a moot point anyway Ñ we have two hands, use bothforks at once Ñ with two older brothers I learned that at an early age). Teaching manners that demonstraterespect should not be part of the controversy. There is no downside.

There is a strong cultural component to the developmentof manners. In other countries it is often built into thelanguage. I recall taking German in elementary school.One of the frequent lessons was using the proper form ofaddress depending upon whom you were speaking to.Anyone senior was addressed using formal pronouns.The more familiar the person, the more informal thelanguage. This had the effect of instilling in youngchildren norms of respect that they could adhere to. Italso caused me to flunk German.

In the United States there appears to be a greater sense ofmanners among less assimilated cultures and in ruralcommunities with large extended families. This is due in

part to the influences of elders in the lives of youngchildren. In the community in which I work, a Tribalcommunity, elders are treated with considerable respect.Elders provide a valuable contribution to the family andto the social, cultural and economic development of theTribe. Children are taught to respect and care for theelders. The intergenerational dynamics are a criticalfactor in the childrenÕs developing self-respect andability to respect those around them.

Many Tribal communities introduce the concept ofrespect and the cyclical nature of life to young childrenin a very developmentally appropriate fashion. Earlychildhood, unwittingly, borrows from this curriculumeach time best practices are employed. By placing thechild at the center of the curriculum and encouraginglearning outward from the child, in essence the Piagetianconcept of egocentrism is being incorporated into thelesson. Children expand their awareness from self tofamily to Tribe to the natural world. As the curriculumexplores the childÕs world, it follows the natural rhythmsand cycles of life, examining differences and similaritiesamong individuals, families, communities, Tribes, and


Minding Our Manners . . .An Early Childhood Approach

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by Jerry Parr

Jerry Parr is currently thedirector of the division ofearly childhood, Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians. Heis a former kindergartenteacher, first grade teacher,Arizona State University fac-ulty assistant, and Head Startconsultant. Jerry is vice presi-dent of Parr Farms, where his

wife and daughter are the bosses. He has a BS and MS inearly childhood education from Wheelock College. Jerry canbe reached by e-mail at [email protected].


the world shared with nature: trees and flowers; deerand beavers; wind, moon, and stars; rivers and ponds.Each similarity and difference is revered as a strengthrather than reviled as an exception.

When learning is circular rather than linear, childrenhave a clear perception of the continuity of events andthe connections and relationships in their environment.Respect is borne of understanding and becomes a foun-dation for further learning. Oftentimes the classroomenvironment reflects learning style; children and adultsform ÒTalking CirclesÓ with the adults participating asequals and facilitators. Children learn to respect them-selves as listeners, as individuals and as members of agroup. Frequently, the speaker (child or adult) will holda sacred symbol; respect is shown to the speaker and tothe symbol as children listen to words spoken both fromthe lips and from the heart. The role of listener is activerather than passive, turns are taken by passing the sacredobject into anotherÕs possession and the process contin-ues. It is not unusual to see an elder identified as sacredby virtue of having come so far along the circle, byhaving had many years to learn to listen and speak withrespect and to have so many valuable lessons to share.

When I first arrived in the rural south, I was astonishedat the manners exhibited by all of the children fromtoddlers to teens. After several years, I am still aston-

ished but less mystified. Almost everyone is a member ofa large extended family, and each family member main-tains a tremendous respect for those both younger andolder. I continually witness interactions between teens(of both genders) and small children that are the type ofengagement that all of us in the child care professionwish we could see every day in our classrooms. Youngmen and women instinctively play with and nurture thelittle ones around them, then turn and offer the samerespectful attention to their grandmothers and grand-fathers. Every conversation is speckled with ÓsirsÓ andÓmaÕams.Ó Obedience, respect, and a sense that theparents and grandparents are held in venerationcharacterize the interpersonal interactions. Youngchildren are provided with the role models that helpthem develop their own understanding of respect andthe influential role of manners.

When we first arrived, my wife was very uncomfortablehearing people close to her own age calling her maÕam.To our big city ears, being called sir or maÕam was likebeing labeled over the hill. Now it has become a naturalpart of our everyday language and it feels good. It doescome with some risk. I was raised in a typical nuclearfamily (in fact, scientists from Los Alamos got many oftheir best insights from observing our family gatherings!)where manners were exercised on occasion, but were nota focal point. I do once recall politely asking to beexcused from the dinner table to attend to the woundson my hand received when I attempted to take a porkchop off of my brotherÕs plate. Some things neverchange. On a recent trip to visit family in New York, I let slip a maÕam to my mother; I learned that even inher seventies she can still handle a wooden spoon!

Manners can and should be taught. I read a study (or itmight have been an episode of ÒThe Twilight Zone,Ó butthe point is the same) that discussed research done inancient Greece to determine the Mother Language. Appar-ently there was a controversy over which language, Latinor Greek, was the original language. In an effort to con-clude the argument, several infants were selected to becared for in a very controlled environment that includedbeing exposed only to caregivers that had no speech. Theidea was that if the language of the adults around themdid not influence the children, their language develop-ment would be uncontaminated and whichever languagethey ultimately acquired would be the Original Language.

As we can now predict, the infantsÕ language develop-ment was significantly delayed because they had nospeech to model, no patterns to incorporate into their


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Photograph by Bonnie Neugebauer

own development. ChildrenÕs learning cannot occur in avacuum. Children learn through their experiences, bytouching, exploring and problem solving. Children learnfrom each other and from the resources and people intheir immediate environment. Self-esteem, respect, andmanners are no different than language. If infants andyoung children are surrounded by influential caregiversthat either lack these characteristics or are reluctant toinclude them in the curriculum, then the children willgrow up without the language of respect and manners.

Concern that including values education in our child careclassrooms will open the door to our children beingexposed to values different from the family has ham-strung our child care system. Certainly we, as parents,need to be concerned. However, we cannot be shortsighted and think that children in the care of others foreight to ten hours a day are not already being influenced.That is what makes parents such a vital component in thepartnership that needs to exist between the center and thehome. By collaborating, assessing and monitoring we canall rest assured that children in child care are receivingthe best of both worlds.

The development of manners and respect can be codifiedinto simple terms and steps to best prepare our childrento enter the new millennium. To borrow from (and editslightly) Superman: Truth, Justice, and the Global Waycan be the cornerstones of the development of respectand manners. Children, more than ever, will be exposedto many cultures and many influences as they becomeyoung adults. They need a road map to help them. Em-phasis on respect for self and others, the ability to accom-modate to and accept differences, and knowing when notto use CAPS in a chat room can provide that map.

Early childhood educators can access the many resourcesavailable to them to help develop relevant and develop-mentally appropriate manners lessons. ChildrenÕs books,tapes, and computer software dealing with the topic haveproliferated and can be readily found. The Internetresources are abundant from lesson plans to thematicunits. As with all resources, caregivers need to feel com-fortable adapting materials to the specific needs of theirchildren. Most importantly though, caregivers can onlyteach respect when they demonstrate respect. Childrenare very intuitive and are always observing how theadults in their world treat them and treat each other.They have no difficulty perceiving a false note. Whencaregivers are consistently polite and respectful, inquisi-tive and inquiring, nurturing and kind Ñ children willbenefit Ñ and follow suit.

To make caregiversÕ jobs even more difficult, there is atremendous amount of confusion about the differencebetween good manners and sexism. We live in an erawhen being kind and respectful are construed as beingsexist and demeaning. We need to help children under-stand that to live in a global society everyoneÕs role isconstantly shifting and being redefined, that any gestureoffered with good intent and rooted in respect should beaccepted for how it is intended. It should not be offensiveto care about each other and to demonstrate that caringby offering a helpful hand or a heartfelt compliment. It isvery likely that we will all need that help at some time inour lives, regardless of age or gender.

There is a very important exception to this Ñ whenassigned the center seat on an airplane or jet! If seated inthe center seat, the only rule to abide by is itÕs every manor woman for him or herself! No greater battle overterritory was ever fought than trying to get space on thearmrest. No maneuver can be deemed a flagrant foul,whether it be the subtle yawn/stretch/claim or the spill-the-ice-water-on-the-neighborÕs-lap and grab the spacewhen he yelps and jumps. Modern air travel has no roomfor overhead luggage, bellies under the dining trays Ñ ormanners. If you are on either side of me on your nextflight, beware. IÕve got Ben Hur elbow pads equippedwith miniature chariot hubs!

So unless you are teaching at thirty thousand feet Ñmake manners and respect a part of your classroom. Andremember your Òmagic wordsÓ (it is unlikely that anyadult under the age of one zillion has not said to a childÒWhat is the magic word?Ó). There truly is magic inmanners. ÒPleaseÓ and Òthank youÓ are the magic incan-tations that cause people around us to feel respected andappreciated Ñ the magic that can open closed doors andclosed hearts.

It is incumbent upon each of us in the child care world topass that magic onto the children in our care. To nurtureand nourish the culture of manners and respect. All of us have the right and the obligation to challenge ourchildren to become the standard bearers of the nextgeneration of caring, respectful adults. Although they donot believe it now, they will soon become the elders thatanother generation will look upon to guide them throughthe miasma of tomorrow. Make certain that they havesomething valuable to share. Encourage our children toadhere to the belief that life and learning are a ÒTalkingCircleÓ where each of us is important for both oursimilarities and our differences and that when we respect ourselves it is easier to respect each other.


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Dr. Katherine Read, a his-torical leader in our field,called early childhoodclassrooms Òhuman rela-tionship laboratories.Ó IcouldnÕt agree more.

Helping children learn pos-itive social skills, like thehowÕs and whyÕs of actionsand reactions, the bound-aries of acceptable andunacceptable behavior, andthe knack of getting alongwith peers and adults, issome of the most importantbusiness you and I attendto daily. ChildrenÕs abilityto maintain self-respect,and their skill at extendingrespect to others, lies at theheart of our work.

Respect is usually used as anoun, as in ÒI want your respect.Ó But as SaraLawrence-Lightfoot states in her book, Respect: AnExploration, respect is most influential and valuable asa verb. Only when respect is energized into specificacts can it make a difference in someoneÕs life.

And please donÕt consider respect a synonym for goodmanners. To nourish a relationship of mutual regardand understanding, acts of respect must be sincere,heartfelt and well-intentioned. Authentic respectinvolves far more than superficial manners thatchildren hurriedly spout off by rote just to appease anadultÕs upraised eyebrow.


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Help Children Put It Into Practiceby Karen Stephens

In 1980, Karen Stephensbecame director of IllinoisState University Child CareCenter and instructor in childdevelopment for ISU Familyand Consumer Sciences Department. She writes aweekly newspaper column,“Keeping the Young at Heart,”and is the author of a high

school textbook, The Child Care Professional.

Photographs by Subjects & Predicates


Insincere Òpleases,Ó Òthank yous,Ó and ÒIÕm sorriesÓring hollow. ItÕs easy to spot a child lying when apolo-gizing on command. ThatÕs not encouraging respect,itÕs teaching unthinking compliance. Children can saythe Òright wordsÓ with all the wrong connotation.Aloofness, even condescending impatience, reverber-ates when children jump the hoop after told to use theÒmagic word.Ó The magic word is only magic when itsauthentic.

Genuine acts of respect ring a truer note by reaching a personÕs heart. Kindness, helpfulness, patience,cooperation, thoughtfulness, consideration, altruism,graciousness, compassion, empathy and gentleness;they all stem from one fundamental seed: respect forsomeone elseÕs feelings. Respect must germinateduring early childhood to reach full bloom inadulthood.

To put respect into practice, children must be able toconsider another personÕs point of view. Admittedly,thatÕs not their strong suit. But to understand wherechildrenÕs learning curve for perspective starts, itÕsimportant for caregivers to respect childrenÕs tendencyto disrespect. (I know that sounds convoluted, butplease bear with me.)

At birth, children are concerned about life as it affectsthem, not those around them. They want what theywant when they want it. And they wonÕt give up untilthey get it. ThatÕs why infants are often called the mostselfish people on earth.

But before labeling a child, we have to climb into theirframe of reference, in essence respect them enough totry to figure out the reasons and causes for theirbehavior. Through that approach, weÕre reminded thatthe fundamental purpose of childhood is survival,nitty-gritty survival. ChildrenÕs first work in life is not play, itÕs to increase their chances for a long life. So it makes perfect sense that children start out ego-centric. In fact, itÕs a very logical response to extremevulnerability.

As children thrive beyond dependence and mere sur-vival, they segue into the larger community. ThatÕswhen egocentrism begins to outlive its usefulness. Tolive peacefully and ethically in that society, children

must adjust to consider and value othersÕ viewpoint aswell as their own. The better children can maintainand demonstrate respect, the more rewards theyÕllreap from socializing with others Ñ children as well asadults.

Child care professionals are among the first to helpchildren along the path of respectful living. As weteach them how to show respect, we provide themwith social building blocks that lay the foundation fora fulfilling life of dignity.

As with any trait we want to instill in children, wemust start with ourselves. Only then can we be credi-ble coaches and role models worth emulating.

A retired teacher told me her technique for maintain-ing respect for each and every child. She kept a good-sized nugget of amethyst on her desk. It was a brokenpiece of the raw mineral, dark, pitted and craggy onthe outside. But inside, shafts of dazzling light playedthrough prisms of purple crystals. When dealing witha challenging child, sheÕd turned to her amethyst forpatience. It reminded her that children can be roughon the outside, but on the inside, each held somethingprecious and beautiful. What a lesson she taught methat day!

This inspirational quote also reminds us to cherish and respect each and every child: ÒThere is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translatedthrough you into action. And because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique.And if you block it, it will never exist through anyother medium and be lost. The world will not have it.Ó

Thus say legendary choreographers Agnes DeMilleand Martha Graham. And yes, they were speakingabout respecting and honoring the unique talents ofdancers. But doesnÕt it speak just as eloquently to thevalue of every man, woman or child?

Early childhood programs can help every child main-tain and keep their uniqueness as their personal gift tothe world. If we donÕt respect children in that manner,weÕll stunt their potential and lose the chance to dancein the light of their creative spirits.


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Of course, philosophizing about respect is all well andgood, but how do we put it into practice? Actually, theways are very simple. HereÕs a revealing example.

I was running neighborhood errands with a four-year-old IÕll call Veronica. I quickly noticed that mostshopkeepers warmly greeted Veronica by name. Ateach stop, she ended up in a brief, but warm andfriendly conversation. Her comfort with these businesspeople, and her pleasure in chatting with them, wasunmistakable.

As we went from stop to stop, a pattern emerged. Ashopkeeper looked up and said Òhello.Ó Veronicareturned the look, (instead of running for enticingitems on the shelves,) and brightly responded, ÒHi,HowÕya doinÕ?Ó

That pattern played out on each errand. Veronicaresponded to a greeting, and showed sociable con-cern for their well-being. Her responsiveness, andacknowledgment that she was spoken to, invited a

social relationship to build. Veronica obviously feltsafe and cared about in her town. She trusted the goodintentions of adults; a luxury not all children enjoy.

But how did this child develop such polite social skillsat age four? I should have known, but I found out forsure a few days later.

I ran into her grandmother downtown. We bothwalked into the same store. As we entered, the firstthing the grandmother did was call out to the shop-

keeper, ÒHi, HowÕya doinÕ?Ó Exact inflection asVeronicaÕs.

Yes, a skilled elder hadshown the way by example.Her behavior helpedVeronica interact respect-fully and comfortably withothers in her culture, big-city suburban that it was.

We can help childrendevelop respectful ways ofliving in the world, too. Infact, weÕre the perfect peopleto reinforce familiesÕ efforts.Classroom daily routines,rituals and traditionsprovide perfect avenues.

Before field trips, coachchildren on polite ways togreet tour guides. Helpthem think of relevantquestions to ask. Remind

them that people who take time to help us feelappreciated when we say thank you. Social graces canbe practiced further when children send thank youpictures and cards.

If you hold family events or community celebrationsin your classroom, teach children how to be gracioushosts. By guiding childrenÕs thinking process you canhelp them put respect into action. Explain that peoplefeel welcomed when we decorate ahead of time forthem. What kinds of decorations would they like?


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Help children anticipate their guestsÕ needs. Forinstance, who should greet guests? How will guestsknow where to put their coats? What kind of food orgames might their guests like?

During everyday play, respond to childrenÕs actionsand comments thoughtfully to illuminate reasons forsocial courtesies. For instance, when I was buildingblocks with a three-year-old, he grabbed a block rightout of my hand with nary a ÒpleaseÓ or Òmay I?Ó Icould have accused him of being a brat, of hoggingblocks or even asked him who in the world he thoughthe was grabbing a block from me Ñ the teacher!

But with those responses, the teachable moment forsocial etiquette would be lost. After controlling a knee-jerk reaction, I said, ÒWhen you grab the block withoutasking, it makes me feel unimportant.Ó He gentlyhanded the block back to me.

He and I had a friendship, it was good enough that hedidnÕt want to make me feel unimportant. So, with myprompting, he extended me respect. And yes, I couldhave forced him to tell me he was sorry, but hisremorse was sincere and his action of returning theblock spoke louder than words. Discussing thecourtesy of ÒIÕm sorryÓ could wait.

The style in which we coach childrenÕs play skills alsosets the stage for teaching manners and respect. If achild usually barges in and takes over dress up play,we can help them think of other ways to enter theactivity. Just encouraging the child pause to say, ÒCan I pretend to be a waiter?Ó is a respectful start.

Teaching respect takes more skill when helpingchildren manage the tense emotions of conflict. ThatÕswhen respect is truly learned by doing. It happens as we coach children in problem solving or walk themthrough the fine art of negotiation, trading andsharing.

The routine of meals and snacks provide manyopportunities for children to adopt respectful socialgraces. Rather than hurrying children to finish lunchso nap can start, encourage casual give and take con-versations between children. Interject when needed soall children can chime in.

Basic table manners are an ongoing exploration atmeals. Mention youÕll listen to children who donÕthave chewed food in their mouths. If a child points atfood, a teacher can casually say, ÒPlease tell me whatyouÕd like and IÕll pass it.Ó If a child demands food byyelling, a patient teacher can reply that people aremore eager to help others when asked in a courteousvoice, ÒPlease pass the peas.Ó

Of course, reinforcement and encouragement arealways valuable teaching tools. When a child is kind,polite and respectful, be sure to comment on the spe-cific behavior. Saying ÒI really appreciate you holdingthe door open for meÓ goes a long way in teaching thenuances of respect. Whenever childrenÕs cooking activities are shared for snack, be sure to acknowledgetheir consideration of the groupÕs welfare. When achild waits patiently after youÕve asked her not tointerrupt, tell her you appreciate her respect.

In the end, it probably takes us humans a whole life-time to learn how to get our own needs met, while nottrampling on the needs of others. And perhaps eventhatÕs optimistic. History is full of repeating scenariosof one person or groupÕs needs being trampled for thesake of anotherÕs.

But I do know that the goal of raising children filledwith respect for themselves and reverence for therights and dignity of all is worth all the effort itrequires of us. How fortunate that weÕre here to helpchildren as they embark on the lesson of a lifetime.DonÕt you love auspicious beginnings?


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References

DeMille, A., & Graham, M. (1951). Dance to thepiper. Boston, MA: Little, Brown & Co.

Lawrence-Lighthoot, S. (2000). Respect: Anexploration. Cambridge, MA: Perseus Books.

Read, K. (1950). The nursery school: A humanrelations laboratory. Philadelphia, PA: W. B.Saunders Company.

ÒGood morningÓ or maybe I should say ÒGood after-noon.Ó In my country we say ÒBuenos d�asÓ or ÒBuenas tardesÓ these two phrases usually are fol-lowed by a head bow; what we are doing is a kindintroduction to a conversation or maybe a greeting aswe walk along. You may think this is something old-fashioned or trivial.

In fact, it is a first step in avoiding damage to a per-sonÕs self esteem. When you are taught to send a thankyou note for a present, to return a phone call or how toanswer a phone call, you are being taught that some-one will appreciate your attention, your time, and con-sideration. You learn to show that you care about whatthat person has done and that you make him feelaccepted. You may not agree or even share the sameideas, but you express respect.

The real issue is that what we are doing is taking intoconsideration the other person. He or she is there; and aswe have noticed it, we want to share a couple ofwords or just a wish for enjoying a good day.

The Rules of This Game

These days we are talking a lot about stress manage-ment, non-violence, respect, self esteem. Lourdes R.Quisumbing in her speech Educating Young Children fora Peaceful World at the World Forum on Early Care andEducation; May 18, 2000, Singapore said:

Let us empower children to envision a culture of non-violence where they can learn to love, to care and to share,to live and work together in peace and harmony. Let usteach them to respect others who are different, to cherishuniqueness as well as those shared values that bind ustogether in our common humanity and spirituality.

Manners and courteous behaviors can help us achievethese goals because everyone feels respected and takeninto consideration when they are greeted, asked forpermission or even thanked. Here are some magicexpressions: ÒPlease,Ó ÒThank you,Ó ÒYou arewelcome,Ó ÒAfter you madam,Ó ÒPlease have a seat.Ó

A well raised child should be taught these attitudesbecause it is a way of showing respect to the otherperson. Asking ÒDo you mind if . . . Ó takes into con-sideration other ways of acting and opens the door toaccepting another behavior.

In a social context where people meet every day, it isreally important to give our children tools to feelcomfortable in any situation.

When a four-year-old child visits a friendÕs home, hefeels the difference in cultural behavior. Each familyhas a pattern of behavior, where they eat or what theyeat, if everyone sits in the same place at the table or ifthey eat with a tray in front of the TV.


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orkshopLet’s Talk About

Manners, Behavior, and Protocol

Magela Guimaraes, Uruguay,South America, has been anursery school teacher during20 years and is the mother ofthree children. Magela is former coordinator of abilingual nursery school in a binational center andcofounder of the Programa deRecursos Familiares (Family

Resources Program) whose main goal is to provide familieswith tools to educate and enjoy themselves. She is currentlyworking at the Uruguayan American School in Montevideo.

by Magela Guimaraes


The way the children talk to their parents is also abehavior that shows how respect is considered in thefamily culture. If a child is respected at home he willrespect his parents and the people around him. Mostimportant, he will be able to respect himself.

Noticing the differences in behavior helps us to under-stand the differences betweenindividuals. Virginia Satirsays, ÒWe know each otherthrough our similarities, wegrow through our differ-ences.Ó This growing meansacceptance and respect to theindividual.

When in Rome,Do What Romans Do

Manners, behavior, and evenprotocol are an internationallanguage that have survivedafter so many centuries.When we visit or get in touchwith other cultures we usu-ally pay attention to theirway of behaving. We try toavoid offending or shamingthem; we try to respect andlearn about their culturalbehavior.

An old English poemillustrates the meeting of two different cultures. It isabout a talk between a child and a rabbit, it says:

ÒGood morning Mr. Rabbit, would you like some tea?Ó

ÒOh! No thank you, I like eating carrots, but I donÕtlike tea.Ó

We find in these words polite expressions and the wayto show respect to anotherÕs behavior. Meanwhile, weare learning that rabbits donÕt drink tea but they eatcarrots. The clue is not what we say but how we say it.

If you ever have the chance of visiting our country,Uruguay, you may be invited to enjoy mat�. You can

choose a polite answer or risk tasting an herb tea thatis very bitter. The gaucho, who is the native that livesin the country, offers you a Òmat�Ó and you have toaccept it in order not to offend him. They usuallydrink it while talking in a group of fellows. The samething happens in the cities where this drink is aspopular as it is in the country.

The ritual of drinking mat�: As soon as nativeUruguayans wake up in the morning, they put thewater to boil, they put the herb in the special containerand pour in some hot water to moisten it. Then theyintroduce a ÒbombillaÓ that is a small metal tube,similar to a straw, and drink the mat� through it. Theyagain pour in water and go on drinking during half anhour or longer. They use a thermos bottle to keep thewater hot. It is usually drunk in the morning and inthe afternoon, and all day long if you are addicted toit. You can see families on Sunday mornings walkingby the riverside with the thermos under their arm andthe mat� in the hand. This drink is also popular inArgentina, Paraguay, and in the south of Brazil.


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Photograph by Bonnie Neugebauer

Why Should I Do So?Because of Manners

Many good behaviors had very interesting origins.

■ Shake the right hand when you greet someone.We do so because warriors in the middle ages heldtheir weapons in their right hand; a way of demon-strating peaceful intentions was to show the righthand empty; they could shake it or just show it. (Istill ask myself why there were no left handedwarriors!)

■ Do not talk with food in your mouth. You canchoke if you talk while eating or spit on whoever isin front of you.

■ The man walks by the street side. Many years agomen used to protect ladies with their capes so thattheir dresses wouldnÕt get full of mud after a car-riage passed by.

So it obvious that when we talk about manners in asocial context we are talking about very old fashionedactions that had been taught from generation togeneration, often without knowing why.

It is also important to understand that manners aretaught through the example of parents and grand-parents. You have to be taught, it does not come withyour nature.

The most important test of manners is applied duringa lunch or a dinner. If you learn how to behave at adinner table, you can handle any situation. How tohandle the fork and the knife, when to start eating,how to help yourself or wait until you are attended.Only parents, with their example, love and patiencecan teach this. You can learn it as an adult but you aregoing to be very nervous; children learn it easily andmay not act accordingly at home, but they will do itwhen they are at their friendsÕ homes.

Lunch or snack time can be a wonderful opportunityto teach basic manners, waiting to start eating alltogether, giving thanks for the meal we are sharing,asking for water Òplease,Ó thanking the people whocooked the meal.

LetÕs pretend we are at a restaurant. Children love totake turns helping to attend the tables and pouringwater. They play as waitress and at the same time theyare learning how to behave in a restaurant.

Protocol in the Nursery School

Every culture and each country has its own way ofsocial behavior and consideration of the hierarchy.Depending on the political organization of the countrythe protocol varies, in a kingdom or in a republic orany other organization. Before a meeting of primeministers or presidents the protocol secretaries meet to negotiate how they will walk and who has to beintroduced to whom.

We teachers know that we have to take into considera-tion some protocol guidance when we organize thegraduation ceremony or a parentsÕ conference. Howdo we invite the parents, verbally or by a note or card.Children know when a formal activity is being devel-oped. They must know they are not supposed tobehave in the same way as when attending a soccergame, a concert or a play at the theatre. Giving themthe chance of learning how to be a polite spectatorthrough their own experience is a challenge that we as educators face.

Spontaniety VersusGood Behavior

Is it fair to disrupt the natural spontaneity of childbehavior? I think that we are not taking away child-hoodÕs most precious treasure. I prefer to think that weare adding some ingredients to their natural graciousbehavior. I like to think that well grown up childrenare going to be the most respectful family members,citizens, and planet caretakers. They will respect oth-ers and themselves. They will be any kind of worker,professional or artist. They will take care of their nutri-tion and spiritual growth, because they had parentsand teachers who once cared about their nutrition,spiritual growth and manners.

Thank you for your time sharing this article. Cheersfor the children we are educating with love and care.


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Reference

Satir, V. (Ed.). (1976). Making Contact. Concepto.

reprinted with permission Ñ child care information ... · center rituals create community. they...

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