respect resolve results welcomes - michigan dental...5 be direct with respect® the gap technique...

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Joyce Weiss Training & Development LLC

Corporate Communication Strategist and Career Coach

Providing Bold Solutions for Individuals and Teams

Welcomes

Be Direct with Respect®

How to Have Tough Conversations

Respect > Resolve > Results

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Bullies in the Workplace “Bullies are always found where there are cowards.” -Gandi, Indian Activist

Bullying is a form of violence. Bullies don’t have to throw a single punch to do lasting damage to another person’s health - or your organization’s fiscal health. Bullying is experienced by more than 1/3 of the US workforce. Bullying is 4X more prevalent than illegal harassment. What is Bullying? Sabotage over a significant amount of time. Verbal abuse/intimidation/ humiliation. Mistreatment severe enough to compromise a worker’s health. Interpersonal destruction. It’s all about the bully’s personal agenda.

Am I being bullied? Am I feeling miserable due to constant sarcasm by a bully? Is my work being sabotaged? Does my leadership think that I’m exaggerating?

Who gets targeted? You are targeted because you pose a threat to him or her. This is in the mind of the bully. Targets are more technically skilled than the bully. Targets are better liked and have better social skills than the bully. Targets have a sense of integrity and is respected at work.

©Joyce Weiss Training & Development LLC *Phone: 800.713.1926 * E-mail: [email protected] *Web site: www.JoyceWeiss.com

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Why bullying happens:

Bullies are not punished and thrive when there is no established rule.

No one in the company has the will to stop bullying.

How to change a bullying environment:

Create an anti‐bullying policy.

Define it and declare it unacceptable.

Make enforcement procedures.

Intervene.

Education and training are critical.

Start documenting complaints.

Most bullies would stop if the rules changed and bullies were punished.

Bullying is underreported: 40% of targets never tell their employers. Bullying is erroneously branded as conflict or difference in personality styles. Bullying is a form of violence. Complaints lead to retaliation (revengeful hurting) or reprisal (taking away of rights).

What can be done?

Create a code of honor that describes professional and unacceptable behavior.

Employees sign a statement of commitment to abide by the Code.

Encourage reporting – conduct regular surveys and focus groups.

Follow up – analyze and respond to data.

Provide training for leaders.

Form an interdisciplinary committee to oversee and modify the Code as needed.

Define a framework for addressing disruptive behavior.


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Informal intervention:

Talk about bullying over coffee. If the bully gets defensive let him/her know that

there are more professional ways to respond. Discuss professional options.

Level 1: Awareness intervention:

Collect data about bullying and how the quality of work is disrupted.

Most people will adjust his or her behavior.

Level 2: Authority intervention:

Leaders develop an evaluation plan with accountability built in when behaviors

persist.

Expectations need to be clear.

What behaviors need to be improved and what actions will happen if they don’t ‐

a timeline is presented.

Level 3: Disciplinary intervention:

Talk to Human Relations and share data.

The bully has been warned. He or she “shouldn’t” be surprised with the outcome

due to the clear expectations and previous interventions.


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Make Conversations Safe

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

“The world is a dangerous place; not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look and do nothing.” -Albert Einstein When conversations start to fail, ask yourself, “What do I really want for myself and others and what results do I want to see?” When you learn how to “make it safe”, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything. It’s all about the intent. Is it more important to get positive results or be right? Use the “I don’t want to” …” I do want to” technique. “I don’t want to cause stress between us. I do want to discuss setting mutual boundaries for each other.” I don’t want to _________________________________________ I do want to ____________________________________________

“If you chicken out now, you will pay the price later.”

©Joyce Weiss Training & Development LLC *Phone: 800.713.1926

* E-mail: [email protected] *Web site: www.JoyceWeiss.com

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The GAP Technique

“Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences.” - Norman Cousins – American Journalist

A stimulus is something that happens to us – someone interrupting us. A response is how we react – getting defensive/sarcasm. The GAP helps us make a choice on how we react. Take a breath and step back for a moment.

We need to see the space between the stimulus and response instead of automatically responding.

This takes practice.

Recognize when you are angry and get into the GAP.

Separate yourself from criticism and don’t take it personally.

It USUALLY has nothing to do with us!

Be aware of your triggers.



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Stop Letting Triggers Set Us Off

“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” - Oscar Levant – American Humorist

“Spite is punishing yourself for someone else’s actions.” -Anonymous

TRIGGER: impulse + awareness + choice = our behavior A trigger is any stimulus or environment that impacts our behavior. A trigger is only an issue if our response to it creates a problem for us or others. People do irritating things because that’s who they are - not because of who we are. Step into the GAP and take a deep breath to make the smartest choice. Ask Yourself the Following Questions: Will something good come out of this or will it damage a relationship? Did I do my best to build positive relationships? Did I do my best to fully engage myself at the meeting? Why waste any time being disengaged or cynical? Is this really the best use of my time? We focus on things where we can’t make a positive difference. By taking personal responsibility for your own engagement, you make a positive contribution to the organization and yourself. Definition of Sarcasm: A cutting remark tending to wound. An act of bitterness.


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Basic Principles of a Philosophy

By standing up for our rights we show we respect ourselves and achieve respect from other people.

By trying to govern our lives so as to never hurt anyone, we end up hurting ourselves and other people.

Not letting others know how we feel, and what we think, is a form of selfishness.

Sacrificing our rights results in training other people to mistreat us.

If we don’t tell other people how their behavior negatively affects us, we are denying them an opportunity to change their behavior.

When we do what we think is right for us, we feel better about ourselves and have more authentic and satisfying relationships with others.

We all have a natural right to courtesy and respect.

We all have a right to express ourselves as long as we don’t violate the rights of others.

There is more to be gained from life by being free and able to stand up for ourselves, and from honoring the same rights of other people.

When we use be direct with respect®, everyone involved benefits.


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Win / Win Way of Communicating

Be Direct with Respect® is a learned skill; a willingness to risk rejection by communicating directly, yet gently. It deepens relationships and resolves issues.


Truth with heart Creates a win/win situation

Focuses on results Respects yourself and others

Be Direct with Respect®: The Power Talk Formula

I am _______________________________ (Your emotional response) When I ______________________________ (Non-judgmental) Because ____________________________ (How it affects you) “I’m frustrated when I can’t speak with you now because I want to help you. I have a report due by 3:00. Please call me after 3:00 and I will be ready to answer your questions.” Here’s an example of The Power Talk Formula versus the YOU-Blaming Approach You-Blaming Approach: “You’re always talking on the phone and taking a lot of time laughing with our team. You should stop because you don’t get your work done!” Power Talk Formula: “I’m concerned when I see the team take extra breaks this week because the team’s project has a deadline which may not be met.”


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How to Repair Generational / Diversity Conflicts

“I’m working hard not to judge me. I wish you’d do the same.” -Tastee, Character on Orange is the New Black

Do these comments sound familiar? “They don’t have a good work ethic.” “They are set in their ways.” “They are deadwood.” “They have no desire to learn new technology.” “They are workaholics and don’t have a life.” Organizations miss out on numerous opportunities if boomers and traditionalist are not on teams solving workplace issues with generation X, Millennials and Gen Edge. Failing to sit down together and learn from each other carries a heavy cost. Joyce’s diversity motto is:

Different equals different. Different does not equal wrong!

“I don’t think I ever hurt any man’s feeling by my little gags. I know I never willfully did it. I will quit when I do it to make a living.” -Will Rogers, American Humorist and Actor “Prejudice, discrimination, cliques, ignorance on generational, cultural, racial, and gender differences are building walls between team members. Tearing down barriers and building relationships are necessary to increase morale. Knowledge alone won’t reduce prejudice, yet it is a good first step.” -Joyce Weiss, Corporate Communication Strategist & Career Coach


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“We give each other headaches when we don’t deal with our differences!” -Workshop participant

Each generation is affected by life altering events.

Discuss how each generation views the following:

Rewards

Empowerment

Work Ethic

Collaboration

Organizational Structure

Work Formality

Feedback

Loyalty

Burnout

Communication

Community Involvement


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Five Generation in the Workplace

Traditionalists-1900-1945

Less than 2% of today’s workforce More traditionalist men served in military - 50% Patriotic/military chain of command

Traditionalist Legacy on Workplace Culture

Chain of command Hard working Loyal

Key Events for Traditionalists

WW2 Walt Disney The great depression Radio Cars Social security

Traditionalist Traits

Fiscally conservative Respect authority Self-sacrificing Loyal

Traditionalist Values

Family Sacrifice Waste not, want not Respect for authority



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2. Baby Boomers -1946-1964

Grown up during women rights/civil rights/gay rights Born activists Youth culture and embraced disruption in music (rock n roll)

Baby Boomer Legacy on Workplace Culture

Professional and poised Competitive Workaholics

Baby Boomer Key Event

Civil rights movement Moon landing Oil crisis Vietnam war The Beatles Booming birthrate

Boomer Traits

Competitive Optimistic Nonconformist Disciplined


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Boomer Values

Work ethic Professionalism Youthfulness Individualism Luxury

3. Generation X

Latchkey and MTV Generation Grew up with 24/7 news and scandals Nixon/Clinton/Tylenol scare/Enron/OJ Simpson Photos of missing kids on milk cartons Grew up skeptical Learned to be self-reliant

Gen X Legacy in the Workplace

Independent – you better do it yourself Don’t like micromanagers Work/life balance – not like their workaholic boomer parents They focus on effective and targeted action to get off work at 6pm

Gen X Key Events

Dot.com boom and bust Video games Michael Jordan Latchkey kids 24-hour media Challenger explosion


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Gen X Traits

Resourceful Independent Skeptical Entrepreneurial

Gen X Values

Transparency Independence Work-life balance Growth

4. Millennials-1980-1995

82 million and larger generation than boomers In school when Apple released the iPhone Expect constant connectivity and innovation on social media Homeland violence: Columbine high school massacre/911 terrorist attack Encouraged to share what’s on their minds with parents and teachers Feel comfortable going up to CEO to make lunch date or chat

Millennial Legacy in the Workplace

Informal and authentic Casual dressers Collaborative since stay connected online with others Love brainstorming sessions


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Millennial Key Events

Tech upgrade cycle 911 Self-esteem movement The great recession Homeland violence

Millennial Values

Integrity Innovation Efficiency Speed

5. Gen Edge -1996-2010 (Gen z/Digital Natives)

Financially conscious Saving for college learned from gen X parents Digital natives and enact change online with quick tweets Go to their YouTube stars for uplifting messages

Gen Edge Legacy in the Workplace

Diverse and inclusive They will leave if they see injustice Resilient Want feedback and support Get past violence online Parents taught them practicality They will persevere through tying projects, clients and times


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Gen Edge Key Events

On-demand entertainment Citizen Journalism YouTube The Great Recession Visual communications

Gen Edge Traits

Connected Diverse Resilient Pragmatic

Gen Edge Values

Stability Personalization Equality Resourcefulness

Thoughts from Joyce

Get involved with those who you don’t know. Discuss differences and find a common ground - don’t judge each other for

being different. Discover how these differences can support each other’s efforts. Get to know how the chain of command works to avoid pitfalls. Help with communication and technical skills. Set clear expectations. Include all generations at meetings and in decisions.


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Creating Your Team’s Code of Conduct

A code of conduct is a powerful set of rules that govern the internal behavior

of any team.

A code of conduct consists of the following strategies:

The rules are made by the team.

Team members are willing to stand and defend the code.

Each team member is personally responsible and accountable for his or her behavior.

It allows everyone to do their best work.

Everyone must play by the same rules.

Everyone agrees to put in the time and energy – not just show up for work.

The team helps finds unique talents of other team members.

***An important reality check is that the team will be not happy all

the time. Confrontation is part of the code of conduct. ***

At times team members will be put on the spot.

The code will protect everyone on the team from abuse if bold honesty,

accountability, and support exist.


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Following is a list of the codes’ priorities:

The code and mission come first. The needs of the team come second. The needs of the individual come third – it’s not all about you!

True communication is the response you get

1. Stick with all disagreements until they are resolved.

2. Communicate the code daily.

3. Keep your agreements.

4. Commit to personal development.

5. Public humiliation is not allowed.

The Code of Conduct is the Police Officer

“This is not about me attacking you. This is about following the code. We all

agreed upon the code. I’m uncomfortable doing this yet I need to speak to you

since it will benefit all of us. It is not about being mean or blaming you. It is

about sticking to what we decided to do.”

Discuss what the benefit will be for the person and the team. Thank the person

for listening. Give a complement when the person improves his or her behavior.

Remember to do the following when you break the code:

Take a deep breath. Don’t take it personal. Acknowledge the person. Listen without interrupting. If you made a mistake admit it. Ask the person how to make it right.


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Recommended Books about Tough Conversations and Professional Growth

Joyce Weiss, M.A., CSP

Communication Strategist and Career Coach

800.713.1926 > [email protected]

Behary, Wendy. Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving with the Self‐Absorbed. New

Harbinger Publications, 2013.

Byars Swindling, Linda. Stop Complainers and Energy Drainers. Wiley, 2013.

Dweck, Carol. Mindset: How to Fulfill our Potential. Ballantine Books, 2006.

Gordon, Jon. The Energy Bus: 10 Rules to Fuel Your Life, Work, and Team with Positive

Energy. Wiley, 2007.

Grenny, Josh. Influencer, The Power to Change Anything. McGraw‐Hill, 2013.

Horn, Sam. Take the Bully by its Horns. St Martin’s Griffin, 2003.

Johnson, Meagan. Generations INC. AMA, 2010.

Johnson, Spencer. Peaks and Valleys: Making Good and Bad Times Work for You.

Atria Books, 2009.

Lencioni, Patrick. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Jossey Bass, 2002.

Lencioni, Patrick. The Truth About Employee Engagement. Jossey Bass, 2007

Namie, Gary. The Bully Free Workplace. Wiley, 2011.

Pink, Daniel. Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. Riverhead Books, 2009.

Rath, Tom. Strengths Finder 2.0. Gallup Press, 2007.

Scott, Susan. Fierce Conversations. Berkley, 2004.

Sheridan, Richard. Joy, Inc. How We Built a Workplace People Love. Penguin, 2013.

Sinek, Simon. Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone. Penguin, 2011.

Weiss, Joyce. Communication Skills at Work. Bloomfield Press, 2019.

Weiss, Joyce. Take the Ride of Your Life: Shift Gears for More Balance, Growth, and Joy.

Bloomfield Press, 2002.

Some of these recommendations are oldies but goodies. My current clients have all given

their stamp of approval. Happy reading!



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Who is Joyce Weiss, M.A., CSP?

As a Corporate Communication Strategist and Career Coach, Joyce works with individual business professionals at every level on the corporate ladder, as well as teams to quickly and efficiently identify roadblocks to Kick Conflict to the Curb: Get the RESPECT You Deserve! She teaches her clients quick and easy strategies to handle conflicts and power struggles with peer bullying, micromanagers or mediocity with confidence while keeping their cool. What makes Joyce’s consulting, coaching and on-line programs unique is not just the content she delivers, it is also the personalized, fun interactive style, and 30 years of business, facilitation, education and training experience found in everything she does. Joyce’s professional accomplishments include:

Worked with 100’s of companies to help them achieve their goals Recognized as a Specialist in career advancement, team strategies and conflict resolution Received Master’s Degree in Guidance and Counseling from Oakland University in Rochester

MI Earned and Maintained Certification as a “Best Practices Company” Developed proven trademarked communication strategies that are effective and provide lasting

results Authored 3-books: Take the Ride of Your Life, Full Speed Ahead and Communication Skills at

Work. Awarded International Designation, as a Certified Speaking Professional from the National

Speaker’s Association and The International Federation for Professional Speakers (Less than 200 women worldwide hold the CSP Credential) Visit Communication Skills at Work to find out how this personalized online coaching program can benefit those who want to take their communication or career advancement skills to the next level. Read and watch testimonials from Joyce’s satisfied clients who achieved powerful results. [email protected] > 800.713.1926


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