Shock and Denial:Moving past Feminism 101

About Me» Web developer since 2008

» Plays video games, tech-minded since childhood

» Robotics fanatic

» White, straight-passing, CIS woman

I'm also kind of frustratedI know that, to a large degree, y'all are like-minded here. But this subject really gets to me. If I appear angry, know I'm not angry at y'all.

Y'all are amazing for being here and supporting this conference <3.

A note about perspectiveThis talk is about being a bystander. I've been harassed, and I wouldn't dream about telling folks how to deal with their own harassment. This talk and these strategies are aimed at those who see reports of harassment, and want to move the conversation forward constructively.

Why are we stuck at 101?

Looking at patternsLooking at the pattern of reporting harassment in tech, and the reactions, is kind of depressing.

It's pretty much the same thing every time.

The Cycle1.Marginalized person reports harassment in tech

2.Denial group tries to silence that person's lived experiences with anecdotal "data" and/or smear tactics

3.Shocked group either pretends to be, or is deluded into, being shocked that this happened

4.Silenced marginalized person tries to put their life back together with very little real aid.

How it happens

A marginalized person reports harassmentA person takes on serious risk to themselves-- their career, their reputation, their relationships, their safety-- in order to publicly report their lived experiences

The reactions of our industry, in some cases, are nearly as bad as the harassment itself.

The two groups of the flank maneuver: The Shocked and The Deniers

The ShockedThe shocked believe, or perpetuate the tale that this can't happen in tech.

The reasons this can't happen» "We've progressed beyond that."

» "I know X and Y who work there and they're pretty cool"

» "I'm just so shocked! This must be an isolated incident"

Why this is a problemWe as an industry never seem to get beyond this conversation. We just talk about how shocked we are, and then the facts fade to time and we plod on.

We've progressed beyond thatThere are a litany of facts that prove this statement wrong. And propagating this story is part of the problem-- we can't move forward to solving the problem without admitting there is a problem.

"I know X and Y who work there. They're cool."What's funny about this argument is most of us in marginalized groups have to work in places where troubling incidents occur, because they are so pervasive.

Just knowing a few cool people who work there doesn't give everyone a clear pass that works there.

"I'm just so shocked! This must be an isolated incident"I like to think of these folks as ostriches, burying their heads to avoid having to have a real discussion about this real problem.

This one, to me, is the most aggravating.

Rule #1 to believing victims of tech or gaming industry harassment

STOP

BEING

SHOCKED

be appalled, be disgusted, be angry if you need to

But please, for the sake of progress, we need to get over shock.

How to move beyond shock» Talk to those who appear shocked: "Yes, this is

shocking, but we can't let shock paralyze us out of learning from this."

» To those who claim we're beyond it: then why are new reports of harassment appearing on a regular basis? What happens to these harassers?

» Remind those with friends at the company in question: calling out harassment may not be calling out your friends that work there.

The Deniers

This group is more troublesome: they actively deny that harassment happens in tech and gaming, or worse-- they instead claim groups in power are being harassed by 'power-hungry SJWs'.

The demanders of proofThese brave souls demand proof that the harassment happened, and insist it didn't happen until they specifically see that proof.

How do I deal with them?I tend to less-than-politely remind them:

You are not entitled to the experience of anyone else. It isn't about you. Back off.

The fact that these folks actively doubt victims means they're not going to believe them under any circumstances. I find spending time trying to prove things to them won't matter, because they'll claim the proof was made up.

Plus, again, we're not entitled to the details of that experience other than what the victim chooses to share with us.

The character assassinsThese folks will do anything, anything, to re-frame the argument around the victim and their lives, choices, and actions, instead of the harassers.

They bring up irrelevant things, like how the victim dresses, if any time has passed between the harassment and the report, anything they can find (or make up!) about the victim.

The sea lionsWe've all seen the wonderful Wondermark cartoon explaining sea lioning:

How do we handle them?Honestly? These folks (sea lions and character assassins) are usually beyond reason. I find the best situation for these folks is a call-out and a block.

A note about callout cultureI know callout culture is an issue, so I tend to be careful about callouts. But my opinion remains that callouts can be used as a tool.

My view is I only call out folks who either start a public dialogue with me while saying offensive things, or those who exhibit repeated, unrepentant offensive behavior.

There are other groupsThese groups are small, but vocal, and super gross:

» MRAs/TERFs/other blatant supporters of horrible things

» The silencers- the ones who threaten and dox victims into silence

I wish I knew how better to deal with these groups. For the silencers, I recommend contacting Crash Override, or OAPI for assistance

How to move on from the angerWe can't be angry all the time, and we have to practice some self-care while maintaining our shining a light on this huge issue in tech.

Blocking/MutingIf you are dealing with an especially toxic person, you have every right to block, mute, or otherwise disregard them.

Their right to free speech does not equal a right to your time :).

Support victimsA simple tweet to show that you support someone who is being harassed can be great. Pointing them to resources for dealing with ahrassment can be even better!

Respect their space, though. If they ask to be left alone, or be un-tagged from a conversation, do so.

Be careful talking to victimsBe sure not to:

» Trivialize their lived experiences

» Say you know how it feels, if you don't. (avoid it even if you do).

» Ask for details that don't belong to you

» Push them to do something they don't want to do (tell management, etc)

Golden Rule: Do what works for youMy tactics do not work for everyone by a long shot. I'm going off what I've done based on what I've gone through and seen.

Show some <3 to the alterconf organizers

Thanks for Listening!@nodebotanist on twitters