Revising:Elaboration & Deletion Strategies

Revising with Elaboration

• Elaboration means. . . – Tell the reader more

• By adding sentences with more explanation using a variety of specific strategies, e.g., anecdotes, examples, definitions, descriptions, details, dialogue, quotations, statistics and facts, and specific details

• By adding explanation within sentences, e.g.,

appositives, phrases, and clauses

Revising with Elaboration

• Giving examples

• Using a quotation

• Providing a definition

• Including specific details

EXAMPLES - provide more specific information about something. This sounds like. . .

The cats were all acting like they were crazy. For example, one jumped at me with all …

We had a barrage of different weather last week: hail, rain, snow, and sunshine.

My brothers always seem to pick on me. For instance, they may hide my soccer shoes, not answer the phone.

EXAMPLES - your turn

• We have many choices of food in the canteen.

• The students were off task.

• My parents always do nice things.

QUOTATION - Using the words someone says can help support your topic

sentences.

The veterinarian from the animal shelter, Dr. Stein, agreed when she said,

“Spaying and neutering dogs and cats is the single best gift a pet owner can give.”

Quotations—your turn

• Topic: Being bored at school•  • Topic: Learning English•  • Topic: The Game of Soccor•  • Topic: Learning to write•  • Topic: Learning to read

Make up an expert for one of the topics above and create two quotes that expert might make about the topic.

DEFINITION - a way to restate an unfamiliar word or tell what it means.

The best part of our hot lunch program is the Ala Carte. What I mean by Ala Carte is the little deli line past the lunch line where you can buy cookies, slushies, and candy bars.

The best part of our hot lunch program is the Ala Carte. What I mean by Ala Carte is the littlwhere you can buy cookies, slushies, and candy e deli line past the lunch line bars.

Write a sentence using one of the above words. Then, elaborate by defining the word for your reader.

ReleaseChief ElderAssignmentReceiver of Memory

Specific Details

• CONCRETE details are the specific, exact names of things.

• Using CONCRETE details will make your paper stronger, just like CONCRETE makes a building stronger. Concrete details are SPECIFIC.

General: The boy disrupted the class.

Specific: Shortly after the class started, Miguel started talking and laughing with Humberto in the back of the class. The teacher’s face turned red and angry. She shouted, “That’s it, Miguel. Go see Ms. Sikes.” Miguel kicked a desk and slammed the classroom door as he left the room. We all looked down at our books and listened to the teacher.

Your TurnGENERAL VS. SPECIFIC

School lunches are (good) (bad).

Rewrite the sentence on the left. Use specific and interesting language.

Revision by deleting & eliminating

• Sometimes it is necessary to take out things that you have already written in your essay in order to improve the focus and clarity– Repeated ideas: a fact or detail that provides

the exact same information, but in different words

– Irrelevant details: an unimportant fact that does not support the main idea of a paragraph

Repeated ideas: a fact or detail that provides the exact same

information, but in different words

Cats make better pets than dogs. Not only are cats quieter and less messy, but they also require far less maintenance. They do not make as much noise and you don’t need to take care of them as much. While dogs need constant attention and upkeep, cats, on the other hand, are independent and can take care of themselves. Both cats and dogs have their pros and cons, but the cat comes out on top for easiest pet care ever.

•The bold and underlined sentence is repetitive because it does not add any new information to the main idea

Irrelevant details:

an unimportant fact that does not support the main idea of a paragraph

Disneyland is the greatest theme park in Southern California. Their rides range from thrilling to relaxing, so there is something for everybody, no matter their age. Restaurants of all kinds can be found to accommodate every taste. My cousin prefers Magic Mountain. Each and every “land” has its own theme and feel to it. A day spent at Disneyland is a good day!

•The bold and underlined sentence is irrelevant because it does not support the main idea (that Disneyland is the greatest theme park).