rising above the workplace bully
TRANSCRIPT
Rising Above the Workplace Bully
Published by Judith Munson, CEO, Inside the Workplace,
Magalia, CA 95954
Copyright © 2012 Judith Munson Inside the Workplace.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means
(electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher.
“You Must Step Up And Put On A Complete Set
Of Armor To Protect Yourself From A Workplace
Bully Or You Will Suffer Serious Psychological
And Physical Health Issues”
Judith Munson
Table of Contents:
Introduction
Chapter 1 - Change Your Thinking
Chapter 2 - Build Your Assertiveness
Chapter 3 - Set Boundaries for Yourself
Chapter 4 - Identify Your Wants and Needs
Chapter 5 - Short Term Survival Tips
Chapter 6 - Three Basic Routes
Chapter 7 - In Conclusion
Introduction: In this book I will give you the ammunition to set up a blockade or
shield if you will, to protect yourself from the health harming
effects of being targeted by a workplace bully.
If you are being targeted or have ever been targeted by a
workplace bully, then you know that the treatment you get
through verbal abuse, intimidation, lying and stealing can be for
the most part the worst thing you’ve ever experienced in your
career or place of work.
The bottom line is this. We go to work and thank God that we
even have a job to go to in this down economy. However, when
you start having a bully wreak his havoc on you day after day,
week after week, you wonder if it’s all worth the trouble.
So what do you do that will lessen or stop the bullying behavior
and make your life at work bearable again?
Read on and I will show you some things that you can change and
put into action right now to fully arm yourself with a formidable
shield against this workplace bully.
Chapter 1 - Change Your Thinking.
Is your way of thinking wrong and what can YOU do to change it?
One of the most common things that I see with the people that
are being bullied at work is the gradual destruction of their self-
confidence.
The bully grinds away at their self-esteem and their perception of
themselves until nothing is left except what the bully wants them
to see.
Here are some common ways that your way of thinking can be
distorted and how you can take control of curing the cycle.
All or Nothing Thinking
o Distorted thinking: Looking at yourself in either an “all
or nothing” category with no middle ground.
o Example: “I’m a total failure; I’m not good at
anything.”
o Cure: When you have a thought like this, first,
recognize it for what it is! Then play devil’s advocate
with yourself. Think of something that you ARE good
at, and realize that you are NOT a complete failure at
everything and that you ARE successful at some things.
You should practice doing this until your “all or
nothing” way of thinking is gone for good. The
workplace bully will try to make you feel like a failure
in everything, don’t give him that satisfaction.
Filtering Your Thoughts
o Distorted thinking: Dwelling on a single event and
letting it discolor your entire view of life.
o Example: “No wonder my children have no respect for
me at all, I can’t even do anything in my job the right
way.”
o Cure: Separate the problems you have to help you get
at the root of them one by one. When you take it one
at a time you are not overwhelmed by it all and this
will help you to find organization in your life both at
home and at work as well.
Minimizing and Maximizing
o Distorted thinking: Blowing a negative event way out
of proportion or minimizing and making small a
positive event.
o Example: “I didn’t really deserve that promotion like
the others that got it. My getting it was just pure luck.”
o Cure: Give yourself praise when you deserve it. We are
often taught that it’s wrong to give ourselves a pat on
the back. Overcome this conditioning and reward
yourself when you overcome a challenge or when you
do something well. Remember, the bully will try to
drive you down every chance he gets so you definitely
DO NOT want to help him do that.
Reasoning With Your Emotions Rather Than Logic
o Distorted thinking: Reasoning with your feelings or
emotions and not being logical when you make
important decisions.
o Example: You made a small mistake on a recent
project, so you feel like a total incompetent idiot. Your
feelings are telling you that you shouldn’t even have a
job. This type of thinking is blowing everything way out
of proportion simply because of an emotional
response!
o Cure: Give yourself a logical reality check. Example:
“Sure, I made a small mistake in those figures, but I
fixed it before anyone else saw it. The client seemed
really impressed at the presentation, too.” Once you
start training your way of thinking to be more logical,
the emotional monster within will stay buried and your
thinking much less distorted.
“Maybe I Should Have” Thoughts
o Distorted thinking: By placing unrealistic expectations
on yourself you create a “what if I had--” way of
thinking that will drive you crazy if you let it.
o Example: After completing a project, you think of all of
the things that you should have done differently that
could have possibly improved what you did.
o Cure: Hindsight is 20/20. You can always use
yesterday’s lessons to improve what you do today but
you cannot change the past so don’t dwell on what you
should have done, rather concentrate on how well you
can do today’s work and you will be better for it.
The “Chicken Little” Syndrome
o Distorted thinking: Some people always have to have a
crisis in their lives or in other words they are always
thinking that the sky is going to fall as in the Chicken
Little story.
o Example: You got some really good results from your
recent medical tests, but you think, “well that’s fine
but I have that blood test coming up next week. I ‘m
sure that will show something wrong.”
o Cure: Take each day as it comes. Celebrate good news
when you get it and stop worrying about what may or
may not transpire in the future. This will build up your
emotional strength for when bad times do arrive.
Personalizing Everything
o Distorted thinking: Assuming personal responsibility
for everything including things that you have
absolutely no control over.
o Example: “I feel so terrible that Jane didn’t get that
promotion. I bet it’s because I didn’t meet my sales
numbers.”
o Cure: When you feel responsible for something, do a
careful analysis of what your role was. Most of the
time you’ll find that you’re giving yourself too much
blame, and rarely enough credit.
In addition to changing our distorted thinking patterns, there are
other things we can do to be stronger and better prepared against these workplace bullies.
Here are some other steps we can take right now that will help us
in positive ways in our workplace and in our everyday life as well.
o Build our assertiveness skills
o Set good personal boundaries
o Identify our needs and wants
Chapter 2 - Build Your Assertiveness
Assertiveness
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Assertiveness is a particular mode of communication. Dorland's
Medical Dictionary defines assertiveness as:
“a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or
affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the
person's rights or point of view without either aggressively
threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of
dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny
one's rights or point of view.”
Pretend you are confident:
There are words and phrases you can use to practice being
more confident like, “absolutely, I don’t see why not, and
Lets get it done now”.
Being confident isn’t always easy for some of us, but if you
get in front of friends, family members or even the mirror
to start with and make confident statements like it was
second nature for you, it will become just that.
It does take some practice though before confident
statements just come automatically. Just keep using those
statements all the time and you’ll get there.
The last thing a bully wants to confront is someone that is
always assertive and confident in them-selves. They will
usually go to the weaker target if you start to show
strength of character by being more assertive.
When you meet people, look them in the eye:
Nothing shows confidence more than looking someone
straight in the eye while you’re speaking with them. This is
an easy skill to master with a little practice.
Make it a point when you are out shopping or out to
dinner to look everyone that you haven’t met before right
in the eye while you are talking with them.
The waitress, the manager and even other patrons as long
as you don’t stare and make them uncomfortable. This
shows confidence and the more you do it the more
confident you will feel.
Remember that it will be hard at first to be confident
when you are being confronted daily by the workplace
bully and he will try his best to drive your confidence and
self-integrity down. So, be strong in your conviction to rise
above that behavior.
Know your stuff:
It stands to reason that the more knowledgeable you are
in your field of expertise the more confident you will feel
when being confronted by a workplace bully.
Of course one of the bully’s tactics is to sabotage your
work or take credit for it behind your back. Just be aware
of these things when you are busy doing your job so you
aren’t blindsided by them.
Remember that one of the workplace bully’s big hang ups
is insecurity. If you are talented and strong in your job
performance, he will come after you relentlessly trying to
make you look bad which will make him look better, or so
he thinks.
Rehearsal is the best confidence builder:
The old adage, “practice makes perfect” goes a long way
here. You can rehearse or practice acting confident with
your close friends and family (not your co-workers) until
you are feeling a high level of confidence automatically
while just going about your daily life.
As I’ve mentioned earlier in this book, you need to not
only change your way of thinking and looking at your
circumstances, but also rehearse your confidence and
assertiveness constantly until it becomes second nature to
you and your new personality stands out where everyone
notices the changes in you.
Remind yourself daily that you have done
things well and relish the good feeling that it gives you:
When you train your thoughts on the good things that
happen to you and concentrate on the good emotional
feelings that you get from those thoughts your whole
attitude will change to one with more confidence and
assertiveness.
Be thankful:
Hate comes easily, but gratitude is slow to manifest itself.
When we make a concerted effort every day to have an
attitude of gratitude, it changes our whole being from the
inside out.
Your friends and co-workers will stand in amazement
when they see you being grateful for the things you have
no matter how miniscule or bad they are in others eyes.
When you are grateful for the smallest things, think about
how much more thankful you will be when the more
important things happen to you.
Push yourself to accomplish short-term goals:
You will never reach your long term goal of rising above
the workplace bully without having a lot of easily
attainable short term goals in between.
The bully will relentlessly knock you and ridicule you every
day so don’t make your short term goals so hard to get to
that they are impossible and on the other hand, don’t
make them so easy to attain that you become bored with
the process and drop it altogether.
Challenge yourself and work against the bully with your
short term goals and you will attain the long term ones
easily.
Do something nice for yourself as a reward when you do
accomplish a short term goal.
Chapter 3 - Set Boundaries
There are two parts to your boundaries:
There are both emotional and physical boundaries. Bullies will try
to invade both.
Physical Boundaries:
If someone is invading your comfort zone where you work or
anywhere else for that matter, you can step back, place a physical
boundary (like a desk) between you and them, or ask them to step
back if they are getting right up in your face and there is nothing
handy to put between you and them. Start communicating with
them more by email or messenger and less face to face.
Emotional Boundaries:
If you find that someone is asking too many personal questions,
offering unwanted advice, or sharing too much information, it’s
OK to stop the conversation. You can say, “I’d rather not discuss
that at work,” or, “I don’t think that’s an appropriate topic to be
going over right now.”
Bullies sense fear and prey on weakness:
Show them up front that you are strong, assertive and not willing
to put up with the abuse by changing the way you think about
things, setting goals that are attainable, building up your
confidence level by practicing your assertiveness and they will
usually back down and find an easier target.
Chapter 4 - Identify Your Wants and Needs
Specifically identifying what you want out of life can help you
keep perspective when things get tough. Set short and long term
goals for yourself. To help you create good goals, remember the
SPIRIT acronym.
Specific:
Being specific about what you want or don’t want to
achieve is most desirable. If your goals are just broad and
un-defined, they are not attainable. The results you get
from your goals should be tangible and measurable.
Prizes:
Reward yourself at different points in the goal, particularly
if it’s long-term. Rewarding yourself is positive
reinforcement that you are doing things the way you
planned form the start.
Individual:
The goal must be something that you want to do. If your
spouse wants you to lose 20 pounds but you think you
look fine, you’re not going to want to work very hard
towards the attaining the goal.
Review:
Review your progress periodically. Does the goal still make
sense to you? Is it still giving you energy and something
you find motivating? Are you stuck? Do you need to adjust
certain parts of it?
Inspiring:
Frame the goal positively. Make it fun to accomplish. You
could make a poster of the end result, frame it, and post it
on the wall. You can also put up a “Vision Board” with
pictures of the things that attaining your goal will bring.
Time-Bound:
Give yourself a deadline for achieving the goal. Even
better, split the goal into small parts or short term goals
and give yourself a deadline for each item. Make it a
challenge to obtain the short term goals so you don’t get
bored with it and quit.
Chapter 5 - Short Term Survival Tips
Being bullied is never easy, but there are some things that you can
do immediately and in the short term to help you survive.
As we discussed earlier, it is important to be assertive. Say “no”
and make others respect your boundaries. Often, if you take a
stance right away, the bully will go look for easier prey.
Your body language:
Body language plays a big part in this. To show assertiveness,
stand up straight, don’t fidget, and maintain eye contact. Ensure
that you’re not physically cornered by placing a physical object
between you and them.
Becoming the target of a bully is in no way your fault:
It has nothing to do with your actions or who you are as a person.
This may help you detach yourself emotionally from the bully’s
verbal abuse. We know that it’s hard not to get upset when
someone is slinging abuse at you, but remember that you don’t
have to take it, you do have options!
Minimize contact with the bully:
Try to communicate with them via e-mail or over the phone as
much as possible. You shouldn’t completely avoid them, as we
mentioned earlier – just try to have interactions with them on
your terms.
Build a support network:
Focus on the people who trust you at work and who have positive
things to say about you. Keep those things in mind when you’re
dealing with a bully – not their unfounded accusations and mud-
slinging.
Chapter 6 - Three Basic Routes
There are three basic routes that you can take at this point.
Once you have worked to improve you distorted ways of thinking
which takes some practice and once you have worked on building
up your assertiveness skills and have started to define your short
and long term goals to rid yourself of the bullying behavior, it is
time to take some action.
Be sure to think through all of your options carefully. Take your
time and talk it over with friends, family, your attorney, and other
professionals. Absolutely DO NOT talk about it in your workplace,
or with your co-workers when you are off the premises either!
The workplace bully can be very intimidating and will not like it
when you show confidence, have a plan with your personal goals
and have set up boundaries that won’t let his abuse affect you like
he expects it to. He may even turn up the pressure for a while so if
you are serious about rising above the abuse it is important for
you to stand firm in your convictions, document everything that is
taking place, round up reliable witnesses to the behavior and
report it through the proper channels.
You Could Just Walk Away From It All. Many people that do experience bullying at work choose not to
file a complaint or lawsuit against the individual or group that is
doing the bullying. They think that if they simply walk away from
the organization and cut their losses, then they can get away from
the nightmare of it all.
Statistics have shown that around 64% of people that are being
bullied at work end up leaving their job. The other statistic that is
not recorded is how many of those 64% suffer with severe
emotional problems like PTSD. There are extremely bad stress
related physical problems caused by bullying as well.
The advantage to just walking away from the situation is that it
offers you a clean break and a fast way to get relief from the
bullying and to be able to start over again in a better
environment. It also means that you can usually still secure a good
reference.
However, the down side to walking away is that you may not feel
closure or resolution. These are important factors in the healing
process. Plus the undeniable fact that it is more than likely that
the bully will just pick a new target. However, remember that
you’re the most important priority. If this is what you need to do,
then do it.
You Can Stand Up and Fight
If you decide to fight back against the bully, be aware that you’re
facing an uphill battle. Sadly, bullies almost always win, and the
target is forced out of the organization (or worse). Not to mention
the emotional and physical problems that are encountered
because of this abuse.
Your first step should be to file an internal complaint in the
organization. Be aware that you may not be believed and
retaliation is quite likely. Be sure to include only the barest facts in
your filing and file as soon as possible after you have identified
the bullying. As well, do not sign or agree to anything without
reviewing it with your attorney first.
We’re aware of instances where someone has been bullied or
harassed at work, and they sign an agreement as part of a
mediated resolution that can later restrict them from using that
employer as a reference. This can really interfere with your ability
to get the next job, so you need to be diligent about what is
included. We have also seen people sign unlimited medical
releases, and then employers use that information against them
in the bullying case.
Many employers offer counseling support through an Employee
Assistance Program (EAP). See if this is part of your benefit
package, or if psychological counseling is covered elsewhere by
your extended health benefits. If you have no benefits, sometimes
there is help through a community organization in your area. If
you are a member of a union, they are normally obligated to help
you. Professionals can help you work through emotions that
surface and give you an objective form of support as you go
through this process.
You Can Pursue Legal Recourse
If walking away or staying and fighting does not work, you can
pursue other legal actions, such as criminal or civil lawsuits. These
are expensive, lengthy, and usually unsuccessful, but they are an
option.
As it now stands, there are people that have been and are
continuing to try to bring legislation to the state governments that
would prohibit workplace bullying and give some recourse to the
targets of bullying whereas now there isn’t any here in the U.S.
Occasionally there are civil suits that are won by integrating one
of the discrimination laws that are on the books, but this is also
the exception rather than the rule. Until there is legislation passed
against the actual act of workplace bullying, we will have to use
other means to put an end to the practice.
Chapter 7 - In Conclusion
In today’s fast paced, high stress workplace, there is a much
greater incidence of companies having workplace bullies in their
midst. Unfortunate, but true, the fact that the present job market
is so soft, we are seeing the targets putting up with it more and
more while these bullies continue to escalate their tactics.
The bully knows that his victims will put up with more abuse so
that they won’t lose their jobs and be unemployed for months or
even years.
What you should know by now is that the workplace bully just like
any other is into control and power so they will look for the
easiest and weakest target to put their wrath upon.
When you change your way of thinking, become more assertive in
your actions and set your boundaries, you will take yourself out of
the “easiest and weakest target” category and cause the bully to
possibly look for another, easier target that he can control.
Now let’s get busy and change ourselves for the better and
please, don’t let a bully rob you of the joy in your life.
Warmly,
Judith Munson
Author/Speaker/Consultant
530-873-6159
http://workplaceintimidation.com
http://workplaceverbalabuse.com