roger's fabulous voyages, part 1, re-posted

7/31/2019 ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 1, RE-POSTED.

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ROGERSFABULOUSVOYAGES

DANNYZIL

PARTONE:EARTH

ONE

TheShipsComputersighedandsaid,DoIhavetoreadthisrubbish?RogernoddedhappilyandstretchedoutontheBridgecouch.Hestraightenedhischeapsmo ing-jac et,smoothedouthisdar blueFleetPilotstrousersthenclaspedhishandsbehindhishead.Begin!hecommandedairily.TheComputerhesitated.Itsembarrassing.Ohcomeon!Rogerwhined.YoupromisedyoudreadsomeofmyDiarytome.TheComputersighedagain.Ohalright,itreluctantlyagreed.Rogersmiled,crossedoneleatherPilotsbootovertheotherandwaitedexpectantly.

FromtheDiaryofRogerWhite,FleetSpacePilot,begantheComputer.ColdemptySpace.GalaxiesawayfromEarth.Billionsofmilesawayfromhome.LightyearsfromtheShoppingCentre.Ohitwouldta eagesifyouhadtowal it.Rogersatup.Ididntwritethat!Thatbitaboutwal ing.Youaddedthatlastbityourself.TheComputersniggered.Readitproperly,Rogerordered.Billionsofmilesawayfromhome.LightYearsfromtheShoppingCentre.Anareawherenomanhaseverbeen.Rogerlaybac onthecouchandstareddreamilyattheceiling.Newplanets,theComputerwenton,newworlds.Fullofdangeranddar nessandalienlife-formsandohyouhavetobeterriblybravetoeventhin aboutgoing.Ididntwritethateither!Rogersaid,sittingupquic lyagain.Youreputting

tsin.Stopputtingbitsin,hesaidhuffily.TheComputersuppressedasniggerandcontinued.Fullofdangeranddar nessandalienlife-forms.Mymission:toexplorethesenewworlds,toforgeaheadthemagnificenceofman ind,topushbac thebarriersseparatingmanfromthestars,yourepic ingyournoseagain.Amnot,Rogersaid,guiltilyremovinghisfinger.Youwere.Mysensorsdontma emista es.Iwasnt.Iwasjust...Iwasjust...rubbingit.Iwasjustrubbingthetipofit.Irefusetoreadifyouregoingtopic yournoseatthesametime.Loo ,Iwasjustrubbingit,Rogersaid,atraceofpaniccreepingintohisvoice.Iwontevenrubitifitbothersyou.TheComputersensedthedelicatechangeinthebalanceofpowerandcasually

tightenedthenoose.Promise?itas edinnocently.Promise,Rogerreadilyagreed.Pwomisywomisy?Rogerpretendedhehadntheard.TheComputerletthesilencedragonafewseconds,allowinghimtothin hedgottenawaywithit.Thenitstruc .Saypwomisywomisy,itcommanded.Rogergroundhisteethandloo edroundtheBridge.IfyousaypwomisywomisyIllreadtherest.Rogerbithislip.Comeon.Justsayit.Itsnotthatdifficult.


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Pwomisywomisy,Rogermutteredquic ly.Sorry.Didntquitecatchthat.Abitlouderplease.Pwomisywomisy!Rogeryelled.Loo ,getonwithit!Right,saidtheComputer,wherewerewe?Ahyestopushbac thebarriersseparaingmanfromthestars.Tolandonnewplanetsanddiscoverthings.Reallyimportantthings.ThingsthatwhenIta ethembac toEarthwillearntherespectofeverybodyItsuppressedasniggerandRogerloo edoveratitsuspiciously.especiallyMrEntwhistleandKeithfromtheAstronomersSociety.TobehonouredbecauseofthesethingsIvebroughtbac ItsniggeredjustalittleandRogerglancedsharplyatit.andtobeas edtogivetal sandlecturestoallthePilotsintheSpaceFleet.TheComputerlostitandsniggeredloudly.Rightstopit!Stopreading!Rogersnapped,jumpingup.Iheardyousniggering.Thatsit.Stopreading.HestormedoffhuffilytoacorneroftheBridgeandstoodwithhisbac totheComputer,fiddlingwithhisnose.Givetal sandlecturestoallthePilotsintheSpaceFleet!theComputersaidandlaughedderisively.You!Rogertwitchedhisheadandignoredit.Hehuddledhistall,s innyfigureintohischeap,ill-fittingsmo ing-jac etandsoughtconsolationuphisleftnostril.Arentyoutal ingtome,Rog?theComputeras ed.

StopcallingmeRog,theaggrievedwritersaidoverhisshoulder.Morederisivelaughter.Rog!Rog!Rog!Isee.Wereinoneofthosemoods,arewe?RogyBoy!...RogyPooh!...Woger!...Woger!Woger!Woger!Right!Thatsit!Youvepushedmetoofar!Therecentlyrebuffedwriter-cum-explorerstrodedeterminedlyovertothemainconsoleandreachedfortheComputerbutton.Whatareyoudoing?Imgoingtoturnyouoff.Goahead.Imtiredofhumiliatingyouanyway.Rogerhesitated.Hisfingerhoveredoverthebutton.Heglancedatthelarge,multi-colouredpanelontheBridgewallthatfrontedtheComputer.Goon.Pressit,itgoaded.

IfIleaveyouon,willyou...willyou...WillIwhat?Willyoutellmewhereweare?TheComputerconsideredtheproposition.O ay,itagreed.Rogerwithdrewhisfinger.Wherearewethen?TierradelFuego,theComputeransweredcrisply.Tierradel?Fuego.Rogerloo edpuzzled.Ithoughtthatwasachainofislandsoff...off...TheformerSouthAmerica.AchainofislandsofftheformerSouthAmerica?Itis.Rogershandshotout.HisfingerwasonthebuttonwhentheComputerplayedi

tsJo er.WhollpilottheShipifyouturnmeoff?itas ed.Rogersfingerretreatedamillimetre.Iwill.You!?theComputersaidandlaughedscornfully.You nowwhathappenedlasttimeyoupiloted.Thatwasanaccident,Rogersaidquic ly.Itcouldvehappenedtoanybody.HowwsIto nowaboutThePresidentspersonalShipinLandingBay7?TheComputersniggeredatthememory.Sogoahead.Pilot.Ican,Rogersaid,squaringhisshouldersandstraighteninghisgaudypenmansire.Iwill.ImafullyfledgedPilot.Aspecialistinmyfield.Anexperiencedsp


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ace-person,handpic edforthismissionbecauseofmy nowledgeof...of...ofthingsquitealongwayawayand--Cods!Theypic edyoubecausetheycouldntfindanybodyelsedic -headedenoughtogo!Rogerflushed.Thatsit!heyelled.Ivehadenough!Imalmostnearlydefiniteingto--TheForwardInterceptorjustexploded.Hasit?Oh.Rogertoyedwithhisthinningblac hairandhisfacecreasedashisPilotsbrain,fullytrainedforemergenciessuchasthis,wentintoaction.Sendoutanother,heorderedeventually.Dontbefuc ingsilly,theComputerreplied.Rogerbithislip.Allright,whatshouldIdo?YourethehighlytrainedPilot.Aspecialistinyourfield.Youtellme.Rogerthoughtabitmore.Fiddledwithhisnose.Loo ,theComputersaid,sighing.Letmesumupthesituationforyou.TheressmethinginfrontofuswhichhascausedtheForwardInterceptortoexplode.Undoubtedlywhateveritis,itsstillheadingtowardsus.Nowwhatareyourorders?Rogerfiddledwithhisnoseandhair.Couldweswerveabittotheright?heas ed.TheComputerlaughed.Magic!Swerveabittotheright!Ili eit,Wogerbaby,Ili eit!IfyoucallmeWogerbaby--ScannerreportsshowagiganticBlac Cloudformationonespacemileahead.D

estroyingeverythinginitspath.Headingstraightforus.Compositioncannotbeidentifiedatthemomentthereforenoweaponseffectiveagainstit.Rogerswallowed.TheComputerremainedsilent.Rogerswallowedsomemore.TheComputerpointedlyignoredhim.Itstartedsingingnonchalantlytoitself.BlueMoon.BlueMoon,yousawmestand--Couldntweswervejustalittlebit?Rogerpleaded.Ta ingintoconsiderationtheasyetun nownmolecularstructureoftherapidlyapproachingBlac Cloud,theComputersaidinasuave,velvetyvoice.Giventhattheresadistinctpossibilitythatitmaycontainanti-matterwhichwouldobliterateusimmediatelyoncontact,theresonlyonethingIcansuggestunderthecircumstances.Whatsthat?

Thatwefuc offsharpish,oldchap!itrepliedinthesamesuavevoice.ReliefreplacedfearinwhatpassedforRogersbody.Soundsgreat!hegushed.Ltsgo.Hewaitedexpectantlyforthemtochangecourse.Glancingoverattheforwardobservationscreen,hesawtheBlac Cloud,jetblac againsttheblue-blac ofspace.Funny,itseemedtobegettingcloser.Shouldntwebeturningaway?heas edintelligently.Shant,repliedtheComputer.Shant?Whatdyoumeanshant?Imbeingtemperamental,theComputersaidpetulantly.Shant!Shant!Shant!RogerseyeswidenedastheBlac Cloudonthescreendrewevencloser.Fearreplacedreliefinwhatpassedforhisbodyandpanicfingeredhisscrotum.Comeon,hepleaded,hysteriathic asmascarainhisvoice.Thisisnotimefo

rstupidgames.Games!theComputerenthused.Games,games,games!Goodidea!Ilovegames.Whatcanweplay?I now,letsplayISpy.Mefirst.Ispywithmylittleeyesome--Rogerscreamed.TheComputerhesitated.Ohalright,itsaid,relenting.Rogerbreathedasighofrelief.Youcangofirst.Rogerstaredatit.ButIthought--Youcangofirst.Thatllteachtogobreathingprematuresighsofrelief,theComputersaidsmugly.


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Rogerglancedatthescreenagain.ButtheCloud!hejabbered.Itsgettingclosr!Werealmostuptoit!IemphaticallyrefusetoalterthedirectionofthisShipuntilweplayISpy.Ispywithmylittleeyesomethingbeginningwith,Rogerrattledout,notta inghiseyesoffthescreen,beginningwithD.D,theComputermused.Letssee...Delicatessen?Rogerswallowed.NotDelicatessen,eh?Hmmhh,beginningwithD?I now!Dragon!Thatsit!Rogersquea ed.Dragon!Yougotit!Ha,ha,ha!Thatwasprettyclevofyou.ForamomentIthoughtyouwerentgoingtogetit.Welldone.Canwegonow?Holdon,holdon,theComputersaidsuspiciously.TheresnodragononboardthiShip.Thereis,Rogersaidquic ly.Itsin...itsin...itsinthecupboard.Itsinboardsleeping.Showmeit.TheapproachingBlac Cloudwasalmostfillingtheforwardobservationscreen.AdrenalinerushedthroughRogersbloodstreamli ewatersuddenlyreleasedfromasluice.Itsasleep,heinsisted,sha ing.Roger,areyoubyanychancelyingtome?No.Yes.InthatcaseIfeelImustinformyouthattheCloudwillobliteratetheShipunlessactionista enwithintenseconds.

Withouthimbeingawareofit,Rogersmouthimpersonatedagoldfishsmouthseveraltimes.Nineseconds.Myturn.Ispywithmylittleeye,somethingbeginningwithT...sixseconds.GyroStabiliser.Closeenough.Fourseconds.Ta ingavoidingaction.Strapin.Twoseconds.Aarrgghh!RogerwasthrownacrosstheBridgeastheComputer,belatedlycarryingouthisorder,swervedtheShipquiteabigbittotheright.

TWO

Rogerpic edhimselfup,adjustedhissmo ing-jac etandhisdignityandglancedatthescreen.TheCloudwasgone.Itmustbebehindthem.CouldIhavearearviewplease?heas edtheComputer.Certainly,itrepliedaffably.Ahugepictureofhimselffrombehindflashedontothescreen.Rogerclosedhiseyes.OftheCloud,hesaid,drumminghisfingersonaconsole.Sorry.TheBlac Cloudcameonscreen.Itseemedfurtheraway.Isthereanychanceofitcatchinguptous?Rogeras ed,staringatit.Sure.Ifweslowdown.ShallIdecreasespeed?RogerglancedattheComputer.Stopbeingsilly.WhatisthisCloudanyway?RearScannerreportsshowthatits--

Iveas edthisquestiontosortofgiveabitofbodytothestory....definitelycomposedofanti-matterandsomeotherun nownmolecularsubstancestravelling--You now,abitofplotthatthereadercanfastenonto....inthesamedirectionasusatroughlyhalfourpresentsp--Ratherthanalotofsortofdisjointedmanicscenes.Maniacanbequiteamusingattimesbut--Stopit!...ifitsjustacollectionofdisjointedscenesthrowntogetheritdoesntreallyma ea--


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Shutup!...verygoodstory.InfactIwouldsaythatonecaneasilylosethedriftofwhatsgoingonif--TheComputerscreamed.Rogerfrowned....onedoesnthaveaplot.Isay,areyouo ay?Fine,fine.Youjust eepinterruptingme,thatsall.Imeanyouas edforadescriptionoftheCloudtogiveasenseofplotandwhenImtryingtodescribeit,ma ingthiswholeridiculousstorysoundplausible,you eepfuc ingwellinterruptingme,launchingintosomediatribeaboutthevirtuesofmaniaversestheintricaciesofplotconstructionandyougoonandonandonli esomevirginabouttobedefloweredasifmaniawassometotallynewconceptyoudjustdiscovered.Christ,peoplehavebeenusingmaniaforyearsandyearsandheressomejumped-uplittledic -headofaPilottryingtotellmesomethingIve nownaboutforfuc ingaeons.RogerglancedroundtheBridge.Pardon?hesaid.Ididntcatchthatlastbit.AteryousaidIwasinterruptingyou.TheComputerscreamedagain.Isay,Rogersaid,loo ingsmug,whydyou eepscreamingli ethat?Istheresoethingwrongwithyourwiring?Loo ,ifyoudontallowmetodescribethisCloud,theComputersaidslowlyanddeliberately,thussubstantiatingtheentirenovel,Illhumiliateyouaboutyoursexlife.Keepitbrief.Thedescriptionorthehumiliation?

Thedescription.Right.TheBlac Cloudiscomposedofanti-matterandsomeotherun nownmolecularsubstancesandisfivehundredmileswide.Itisdestroyingeverythinginitspath,isheadingtowardsEarthandnothingcanstopit.Anythingelse?Yourenotverygoodinbed.Havedifficultymaintainingyour--Thatsenoughofthat!Rogersaidquic ly.HestrolledaroundtheBridge,deepinthought,hisrazor-sharpPilotsbraindigestingtheinformationtheComputerhadjustgivenhimabouttheCloud.Aminutelater,thesalientfactssurfaced.YoumeanthisCloudisheadingtowardsEarth?heas ed.Affirmative.Wellhadntwebettergetbac andwarnthem?

Ofcourse.Theremaybeamedalinitforyou.Mmmhhh,especiallyastheremaybea--.Loo ,Imnotreallyinterestedinbaubles,Immoreinterestedin--ImpressingAmanda.ImpressingAmanda,Rogeragreedandflushed.TheComputerlaughedscornfully.Understress,RogerdidwhatanyhighlytrainedPilotwouldhavedoneatatimeli ethis.TheComputersensedwhathewasdoing.Comeawayfromthatcornerandta eyourfingeroutyournose,itordered.Rogerturnedround.Ivehadanidea!hesaidbrightly,strollingbac over.Letshearit.CouldntwejustcutthestorytousapproachingEarthandsavealotoftime?

OhIdont nowaboutthat,theComputerreplied.Itshighlyirregular.Soaremybowels,Rogermutteredtohimself.Still,theComputermused,theresnoharmintrying.O ay,goaheadandas .Rogerloo edpuzzled.As who?Whoeverswritingthis,dummy.OhIsee.Right.Heclearedhisthroatandstraightenedhissmo ing-jac et.Isay,isthereanychanceofcuttingthestorytousapproachingEarthsowecansaveabitoftime?heas ed.Silence.Rogerloo edround.


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Moresilence.Ohwell,itwasworthatry,hesaid,shrugging.Theresgoodnewsandbadnews!announcedtheComputer.Really?Rogersaid,brightening.Whatsthegoodnews?WereapproachingEarth.Yippee!Rogeryelled.Itwor ed.PicturesofhimselfastheHeroofEarthflashedacrosshisheadasherealisedhewouldbeabletowarneveryoneabouttheCloud.Therewoulddefinitelybeamedalinitforhim.MaybeAmandawouldlethim--.Heflushed.Waitaminute,hesaid.Whatsthebadnews?Earthsdisappeared.Rogerwasstunned.Vanished?Youmeanitsnotthereanymore?Ta ealoo .Rogerstaredattheforwardobservationscreen.Therewasonlyemptyblue-blac spaceandsometwin lingstarswherehishomeplanetusedtorevolve.Sowheredyouthin Earthmightbe?heas ed.Ivenoidea,repliedtheComputer.Perhapsweshouldsendoutamessageas ingfanyonesseenasortofbigblue-greenballfloatingaround.AnswerstothenameofEarth.Rogerconsideredthisidea.No,hesaideventually,sha inghishead,itwouldnwor .IfEarthsgonetheredbenobodyaroundtoseethemessage.TheComputergroaned.RogerpacedslowlyroundtheBridge.IfMrEntwhistlewashere,hed nowwhattodo,hethought.MrEntwhistle newlotsofthings.Usefulthings.Li ehowtos

urviveonanuninhabitedplanetwithnothingbutapieceofstringandlastmonthscopyofAstronomersWee ly.Hefrowned.Whydidtheyhaveto eeploc inghimuooften?Heseemedsofondofchildrentoo.HecontinuedtopaceslowlyroundtheBridge,deepinthought,handsclaspedbehindhisbac .Whenheturnedbac towardstheforwardobservationscreenagain,heglancedupandwhatasurprise!Thebeautifulblue-greenballofEarthwasrevolvingwhereitwassupposedtobe!TheComputerlaughedmoc ingly.Ha,ha,ha!Fooledyou!Whyyouabsolutebas--Shouldntyouberehearsingyourspeech?Rogerwascaughtoffguard.Speech?Whatspeech?WellwiththeinformationyouhaveabouttheBlac Cloudyoullbetreatedli eaHeroforwarningEarth.Afteryoureceiveyourmedalyoullhavetogiveaspee

chtotheotherPilots.AdreamysmileholidayedbrieflyonRogersface.Ohyes!Youreright!AspeechtomyfellowPilots.IwonderwhatIshouldsay?HebegantostrollroundtheBridgeagain,thin ingaboutit.Thisshouldbegood,theComputermutteredtoitself.Rogerstrolledbac over.Whatdyouthin ofthis?heas ed.Heclearedhisthroatthenstaredofftheatricallyintothedistance.AlreadyhehadlandedonEarthanddeliveredthemessage.Later,afteraHerosreceptionandmedalpresentationhewasintheauditoriumatFleetHQwithalltheotherPilotsseatedinfrontofhim.FleetCommander,hebegan.SimulatedapplausefromtheComputer.Rogernoddedhaughtyac nowledgementoftheapplause.

AssistantFleetCommander,hewenton.Moreapplause.Anotherhaughtynod.DeputyAssistantFleetCommander,hedrivelledon.Notsoenthusiasticapplause.Afurtherhaughtynod.FirstAssistanttotheDeputyAssis--Ohgetonwithit!snappedtheComputer.FellowPilots,Rogersaidquic ly.WhileonamissionquitealongwayfromEarth,amissionthatwasprettydangerous,amissionsoimportantthatIwaschosentoleadit,wellnotexactlylead,ImeanIcantsayleadwhenIwastheonlypersonthere,amissionshallwesaythatIwas...thatIwas...


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TherewasanominoussilencefromtheComputer.Isay,isthereanythingwrong?Rogeras ed.TheComputerhesitated.Well?Theressomethingyoushould nowaboutEarth,iteventuallysaid.Ohdonttellmeitsdisappearedagain?Rogeras edirritated.Notquite.Whatdyoumean,notquite?Whatisit?Isitstillthere?Affirmativebutscannerreportsshowthat--Ohdonttellme!Rogersaidtheatrically,handonbrow.Whateveritis,Idontntto now.Idontcarewhattheproblemis.Donttellme.Imnotinterested.Dontventrytosayanythingaboutit.Dontsayaword...isitdangerous?Negative.ThenImnotconcerned,theHeroofEarthsaiddramatically.Idontcare,Idonre,Idontcare!Ta eusdown!hecommanded.AndhavethefullFleetCommandtheretomeetme.TellthemIhaveaveryimportantmessageaboutEarthbeinginseriousdanger.Buttheressomethingchangedyoushould--Rogerwashavingnoneofit.Ta eusdown!hecommanded.TheVIPLandingBay!Now!Alrighty,saidtheComputer.Youas edforit,smartarse,itmutteredandstaedtota etheShipdown.

THREE

Whentheylanded,Rogerreadiedhimself.Heremovedhissmo ing-jac etandbrusheddownhisFleetPilotsdar bluejumpsuitthenstrodetotheExitBay.Hecouldpicturethesceneoutsideaftertheydreceivedhismessage.ThefullFleetCommandwouldbetherewaitingimpatiently.TheFleetCommanderwouldprobablyrushuptohimassoonasthedooropened,inwhichcasehedbetteradoptapose.EventuallyhedecidedonaleaningagainstthewallposeandanopeninglineafteralltheCommanderwouldprobablybedesperatefornewsabouttheBlac Cloud.Hedpretenditwasntsuchabigdealtohim,asifhemadesuchdiscoveriesregularly.Hedas ifKeithhad eptthosebac copiesofAstronomersWee lyforhim.

Dooropening,theComputerannounced.Rogeraddedsomenonchalancetohispose.Acollageofmedals,speeches,Amanda,beingtheHeroofEarthandbeinginbedwithAmandaflashedacrosshismind.Thedoorslidopen.DidKeith eepthosebac copiesof--WelcometoGreaterAlbania!avoicesaid....AstronomersWee lyforme?Welcometowhere?Thesmallbaldingmaninthecardiganandglassessmiledunderstandingly.GreaterAlbania,herepeated.YourVisaplease.TheComputersniggeredinthebac ground.Toldyou!itmutteredgleefully.Visa?WhatVisa?ThisisEarth!Rogersaidindignantly.Whereiseverybody?WherearethetopchapsfromFleetCommand?

Everybodysgone,thesmallmantoldhim.SomethingaboutaBlac CloudwhichisgoingtodestroyEarth,ImeanGreaterAlbania.Visapleaseoryoucantcomein.RogerslumpedagainsttheShipsdoorway,hisvisionofaHerosWelcomevanishingquic erthananicecubeonahotroc .Everybodysgone?heas ed,deflated.Absolutelyeverybody?Thesmallmannodded.Whyhaventyougonethen?Rogeras edhim.Whoareyou?WhoamI?thesmallbaldingchapsaid.WhoamI?Proudlyhedrewhimselfuptohispaunchyfivefeetthreeinches.Ashaftofsunlightfellonhimandforamoment,theshabbycardigan,thebottle-bottomg


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lassesandthesparsemoustachealldisappeared.HestoodthereatattentionthiscitizenofGreaterAlbaniaandforjustamomentwiththesunlightfallingonhimheloo edevenworsethanbefore.Thenthesunwentbehindsomecloudsandheonlyloo edbadagain.WhoamI?herepeated.ImNormanPenge,citizenandrulerofGreaterAlbaniaanImwarningyou,hewenton,removinghisthic glassesandcleaningthemonhisgrubbyshirt,Icanbearealbastard,atyrant.Sowatchit,hewarned,myopicallyaddressingashadowawaytoRogersright.Understand?Theshadowdidntanswer.Imoverhere!Rogershouted,wavingandtryingtoattracthisattention.What?Normansaid,replacinghisglasses.Ah!Sotherearemoreofyou,eh?TryingtogetinwithoutVisas?Wheredidthatchapgo?Hepeeredroundaboutbuttheshadowhadgone.Theresnobodyelse,Rogertoldhim.Onlyme.Ha!Tryingtocoverupforhim,eh?Waithereanddontmove.Ithin heranroundtheothersideoftheShip.Normantrottedofftosearchfortheillegalillusion.TheComputersniggeredagaininthebac ground.You newthiswasgoingtohappen,didntyou?Rogersaidresignedly.Affirmative,saidtheComputer.Whydidntyouwarnme?Youwouldntlisten.JustthenNormanreappearedfromtheothersideoftheShip.Whowereyoutalingto?heas edsharply.

TheShipsComputer,Rogerexplained.Normanloo edathimsuspiciously.Suretherearentmoreofyouinthere?Oneofyousescapedalready.No,theresnobodyelse,Rogersaid,irritated.Loo ,ImcomingofftheShip.Youcant,Normansaidquic ly.YouhaventgotaVisa.ButIlivehere!Rogersaidindignantly,steppingofftheShip.IdontneedaVsa.Normanseyes,foryearsdullandlifelessbecauseoftheirownerslowlyunimportantexistence,nowglitteredfeverishlyastheycaughtsightofRogersfeetontheground.SoyoudonthaveaVisa?Rogershoo hishead.Normanveritablyglowed.Forsuchamomentasthiswithitsattendantimplic

ationshehadwaitedalmostalifetime.Hesavouredthemomentandasmileoftriumphslowlyspreadoverhisface.IherebyarrestyoufeetforbeingintheterritoryofGreaterAlbaniawithoutaproperVisa!heannounced.Rogerglanceddownattheoffendingfeet.Howcanyoujustarrestmyfeet?hequestioned.Thatssilly.Thenhejumpedbac intotheShip,justtobeonthesafeside.Whatabouttherestofme?heas edsarcastically.Normanpursedwhatpassedforhislipsatthisinterestingtechnicality.Hedecidedonthemagnanimousapproach.Sincetherestofyouhasntexactlytouchedtheground,itsfree,heannouncedgrandiosely.Butthisissilly!Rogersaid,stampinghisfoot.Stopstampingthatfoot,Normanordered.Itsunderarrest.Imimpoundingitanheotherone.

Itsmyfoot.IllstampitifIli e,Rogerrepliedpetulantly.Goahead,Normansaidgenerously, nowingheheldthetrumpcard.ButyouwontetyourVisa.Rogerfrozeinmid-stamp.Visa?YoumeanIcouldgetone?Normanconsideredthissecondtechnicalityinthespaceofafewminutes.Hmmm,therewasalotmoretobeingatyrantthanpeoplethought.Hetappedhisteethbuthadforgottentheywerefalseanddislodgedtheupperset.Therefollowedsomeundignified,untyrant-li efumblingwhilehetriedtorightthem.Notwishingtoprejudicehispossiblehostbywitnessinghisembarrassmentregardinghisdentures,Rogerpretendedasuddenandtemporarilyall-consuminginterestina


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distantfluffycloud.Histeethbac inposition,Normancoughedandtestedthemforfirmness.Theyheld.IsupposeIcouldissueyouwithatemporaryVisa,heconceded.Exceptforyourfeet.Theyrestillunderarrestandtheyllhavetobeimprisoned.HeturnedandbeganstrollingawayfromtheShip.ButIwouldntbeabletogetaroundwithoutmyfeet,Rogersaidafterhim.Normanignoredhimandstrolledon.ThenforonceRogermanagedtosaytherightthing.Imsureanimportantchapli eyoucouldfindawayroundit!hecalled.Normanhalted.Heglancedroundaboutthenturnedbac toRoger.Areyoutalingtome?heas ed,tryingtodisguisethehopeinhisvoice.Rogernodded.Sorry,Ithoughttherewassomebodyelse.HeeyedRogeranewandflic edsomedandrufffromhismoustache.Animportantchapli eme,eh?Rogersmiledandnodded.Awayroundit,eh?Normansaid.Hescratchedthebac ofhisheadandaclumpofhairfelltotheground.Anyideas?Howaboutjustarrestingmyboots?Rogersuggested.Imeanitwasntreallymyfetthattouchedtheground.Yourboots?Normansaidandconsideredtheidea.Thatsoundso ay.Ta ethemoffandIllimprisonthemthenIllgetyousomethingelsetowear.Rogerquic lyslippedoutofhisbootsandhandedthemover.Normanstrolledoffwiththem,disappearingintoaControlRoom.Hereappearedacoupleofminuteslatercarryingapairofyellowslipperswhichhadbrightpin pompomsonth

em.Sorry,hesaid,handingthemover,theyreallIcouldfind.ButIbroughtyourisaaswell.Than sawfully,Rogersaid,ta ingtheVisaandpullingontheslippers.YoucancomeofftheShipnowifyouwantto,Normantoldhim.Smiling,Rogersteppedoff.Visa!Normandemandedinstantly.Butyoujust--Visa!Normanbar ed.RogerhandeditoverandNormaninspectedit.Hetoo alongtimeinspectingit.EventuallyhiseyesleftthepaperandtravelledslowlyuptoRogers.WheredidyougetthisVisa?heas edcoldly.Youjustgavemeit,Rogersaid.

Mesir?Normansaid.Iveneverseenyoubeforeinmylife,sir.But--Itsoutofdate,siranditsaforgery.Abadforgeryatthat.Youcouldbeintroublehere,sir.Alotoftrouble.Coldwateryeyesstaredatpanic yblueones.Trouble?What indoftrouble?Serioustrouble.Imprisonmentforalongtime indoftrouble.Butyou--Ofcourse,thereisawayroundit,sir.Awayroundit?What?How?Wellsir,Idbepreparedtooverloo thisdemeanourifyoustoodononeleg,flappedyourarmsabout,spunroundandsang,MaybeitsbecauseImanidiot!ThatIlovespinninground!

Isthisajo e?Rogeras ed.Guards!yelledNorman.Bringthedobermans!MaybeitsbecauseImanidiot!sangRoger,standingononeleg,flappinghisarsandspinninground,ThatIlove--Normanburstoutlaughing.Inthebac groundtheComputerapplaudedandlaughedtoo.Rogerstoppedsinging.Itisajo e,hededuced.Alwayswantedtodothattosomebody!Normanconfessedthenwasrepossessedbyhysterics.Rogertriedtoremainaloof.Suddenlyherememberedwhathisoldpsychologis


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thadtaughthimabouthowtohandlesituationsli ethisnothing.Itdidnthelp.Youwereverygood,Normanconceded,hystericsabating.ComeintotheControlRoomandhavesometea.YourVisasfine.Hestrolledoffandafterhesitatingabit,Rogerpluc eduphiscourageandremainedwherehewas.Thenfrightenedofbeingreducedtoaminorcharacter,hepompomdhiswayacrosstheGreaterAlbaniansoilafterNorman.

FOUR

TheControlRoomwasashambles.Dirtydishes,half-eatenmeals,unwashedclothesandhastilydiscardedpersonalitieslitteredtheplace.EverywherethewordEARTHcroppeduponsignsornoticesithadbeencrossedoutandGREATERALBANIArudelyletteredaboveitinredpaint.Depressedbythestateoftheplaceandthathisdreamswereintattersandthatallhisfriendsweregone,Rogerslumpedintothedoldrums.Ithoughtyouweregoingtoslumpintoachair,Normansaidconversationally.Rogergrunted.Soeverybodysgone,hemoaned.Thatsright,Normansaid.Theyallleftwee sago.AFleetPilotcamebac withnewsabouttheBlac Cloud.HebecametheHeroofEarthforawhileandtheygavehimamedal.HehadtogiveaspeechtoallhisfellowPilots.Rogersan deeperintothedoldrums.Normanpulledupadoldrumnexttohim.ThereareacoupleofmessagesaboutyourMotherandAmanda,hesaid,tryingtocheerhimup.

Ohyes?Theyrebothsafe.YourMotherwasalreadyawayatanoldfol striptoPlutoandAmandawasatawor soutingtoTitan.Rogerbrightened.Ohthatsgood.Imgladtheyresafe.AndachapcalledKeithsaidtotellyouhed eptallthebac copiesofAstronomersWee lyforyou.Rogergrinned.TheyrealleventuallyheadingtoaplanetcalledNewEarth,Normantoldhim.ThSpaceCo-ordinatesareonthisdatastic .Than s,saidRogerandslippdthesmallstic intooneofhistoppoc ets.AnynewsaboutaMrEntwhistle?heas ed.TheMrEntwhistle?Normanqueried,aneyebrowascendingabovehisglasses.Rogernodded.

BitofanaccidentthereImafraid,Normansaidregretfully.Donttellmehewashurt?Normanshoo hishead.Notthat indofaccident.HemanagedtogethimselfontoaShipfullofteenagegirlswhentheyleftEarth.Ohwellthatsalright,Rogersaid,loo ingrelieved.Heli esteenagers.Normanhesitated.Idontthin itsquiteashealthyasthat,hesaidtentative.Healthy?YoudonthavetoworryaboutMrEntwhistle.HesoneofthefittestchapsI nowandheli esdoingthingswithteenagers.Hmmm,mutteredNormanandwasabouttotaphisteethagainbutrememberedwhathappenedlasttimewithhisdenturesanddesisted.SothatleavesyouinchargeofEarthdoesit,ImeanGreaterAlbania?Rogeras ed.

Thatsright.UsedtobecalledEarth.NowitsGreaterAlbania.Nameditafterthemothercountry,Normansaid,beamingwithpride.Rogerconsideredthis.YounameditafterGreater?IveneverheardofacountrycalledGreater.Normanpeeredathimthroughhisthic glasses.InameditafterAlbania,heexplained.Albania?...OhAlbania!Right.Ahyes.ThatswhatImeanttosay.Sillymista e...Waitaminute,isntAlbaniathatsmallcountrywhichrefusedtojoineverybodyelsehundredsofyearsagowhenallthecountriesonEarthunited?Normanbeamed.Theveryplace!Alwaysadmiredit.HencethenewnameforEart


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h.Wellifyouli eAlbaniasomuchwhydidntyougoandlivetherebefore?Rogeras ed.Itriedto,Normansaid,buttheBosstoldmetopissoff.Thatwasntveryniceofhim,Rogersympathised.ItmusthavehurtyourfeelingsHurtmyfeelings!?Itruinedmylife.Iwasneverthesameafterthat.Ithinthatswhymywifeleftme.Whatapity,Rogerconsoled.Didshegooffwithanotherchap?Hewasatoiletcleaner,Normanadmitted.Rogerraisedhiseyebrowsandloweredhissnigger.Funnythingwas,musedNorman,theygotintoAlbania.Seemstheyneededs illedwor ersli ehimsotheywerewelcomed.Welltheywontbetherenow,Rogersaidconsolingly.IsupposeeventheAlbaniashaveleft.Normansmiledproudly.Thatswhereyourewrong.TheyrefusedtobelievethisstoryabouttheCloud.Thoughtitwasatric togetthemoutofAlbania.Rogersatup.Youmeantheyrestillhere?Ofcourse.Wellhadntwegoandwarnthem?Wecantry,Normanreplied.Butyourewastingyourtime.TheFleetCommanderhiselfwenttoseethembuttheywouldntmove.Maybetheyllbelieveme!Rogersaidexcitedly.IveactuallyseentheBlac CloLetsgothen.Wecanta eanair-mobile.Wontta elong.ButImtellingyounowyourewastingyourtime.

Nonsense!ImsureIllbeabletoconvincethem!RogerenthusedastheylefttheControlRoom.Normansmiled.Noharmintryingagain,hemurmuredandfollowedRogerout.Therewasalineofslee air-mobilespar edalongsidetheControlRoomandthedoorofthefirstslidopenastheyapproached.Higuys,ImAnnie.Whereto?theattractivefemaleandroiddriveras ed.Albania,Normananswered.Whatagain?Normanloo edabituncomfortable.You nowwhattheytoldyoulasttime?Annieremindedhim.Thisisdifferent,Normanrepliedconfidently.RogerheresactuallyseentheBlc Cloud.Theymightbelievehim.Suityourself,Anniesaid,startingtheair-mobile.

RogerandNormanstrappedinandtheair-mobiledriftedalongthengatheredspeedandrosetoitscruisingheightofonehundredfeet.Foryourpleasureandenjoyment,Anniesaid,turningtothem,wouldyouli eclassicalmusic,modernmusic,bloodyAlbanianfol musicorahand-job?Rogerflushed.Nothingthan s,Normantoldher.Weregoingtotal .Kin y,eh?Anniesaid,leeringatthem.Theair-mobilepic edupspeedandsoontheywerebeingwhis edtowardsthefabledland.RogergazeddownatthesceneryawhilethenturnedtoNorman.SoisthisBosschapinchargeofAlbaniathen?heas ed.Ahyes,theBoss,Normangushed,proudtobeabletoevenmentionhisname.Marvellouschapheis,theBossofAlbania.Whatssomarvellousabouthim?

ThewayhesdraggedAlbaniaintothe21stCentury.Rogerfrowned.Butwereinthe41st!WellNormansaid,shrugging.Youdontwanttoomuchprogressallatonce.Badthecountry.Besttota ethingsslowly,thatwaypeoplecangetaccustomedtochangegradually.ThatstheBossstheory.Rogernodded.Isheapopularrulerthen,thisBosschap?Hecertainlyis,Normansaidexpansively.Hewonbyalandslidevictoryatthelastelection.Sohewoneasily?Sortof.Allhisopponentswereburiedinalandslideafewdaysbeforevotin


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g.Shrewd,eh?Ohyes,veryshrewd.Wellifhessocleverwhathashedoneforthecountry?IsawadocumentaryaboutAlbaniaonce.Itsaidthatmostofthepeoplewerestarving.Weedsoutthewea lings,doesntit!?Normantoldhim,eyestwin lingbehindthebottle-bottomlenses.Sortofnaturalselectionifyouli e.Cleverpeople,theAlbanians.Hungrypeople,theAlbaniansinthedocumentary,Rogerresponded.Theyloo edoutatthesceneryawhileastheair-mobilewhizzedalong.Everywheretherewasevidenceofaoncemightycivilizationnowabandonedforestsgrewthic andluxuriant,flowersandgrasswerelushandplentiful,riversandstreamsspar led,theairwassmogfreeandendangeredspeciesbreathedsighsofreliefbehindbushesandtrees.SowhatsortofthingshastheBossdoneforAlbania?Rogeras ed,aftertheaboveparagraphhadconvenientlybro enuptheirdialogue.Wellhisfirstmoveafterhecametopowerwastobrea offrelationswithothercountries,includingitself.TheAlbanianscouldntspea toeachotherforwee s.Rogerloo edpuzzled.Sohowdidtheycommunicate?Theydidnt,Normanadmitted.Sothatlawwasdropped.ButtheBosswasjustnewattherulingsortofthingsoyouhavetoma eallowances.Afterthat,Albaniawasdeclaredano-goareaandpeoplecouldtal toeachotherbuttheywereforbiddentomovefromthespottheywereon.Thatsabitsilly,Rogerremar ed.Didnttheygetcrampfromstandinginthe

place?Normanshoo hishead.Thelawwasntasstrictasthattheycouldjumpupanddown,flextheirlegsabit,sotheydidnthavetoomuchtocomplainabout.Isupposethatlawwasscrappedaswell?Itwas,Normanadmitted.ButithadgiventheBosstimetowor outhisModernisationProgramme.Sowhatwasthat?Atwo-partprogramme,Normanexplained,ta ingoffhisglassesandcleaningthem.Theearlyafternoonsunspar ledinhiswaterymyopiceyes,ma ingthemlooli etwotiredpalebluebuttonsinrunnyeggwhite.Ohyouvemoved,hesaidtoAnnie,thin ingitwasRoger.WellhisfirstplanwastheConstructionProject,hewenton,stilladdressingtheAndroid.Sweepingmodernisationtoo placealloverAlbaniawhenaTransportCafwasbuiltneartheborder.

Heputhisglassesbac onandthoughtRogerhadmovedintothebac seatagain.Sorry,Ithoughtyouwerehavingagoatpiloting.Airmobileabittric ytohandle,wasit?Nottoworry.WherewasI?Psychiatricallydisturbed,Anniemuttered.TheModernisationProgramme,Rogerremindedhim.AhyesparttwooftheplanwastheIlliteracyProject.Didyou nowthatwhentheBosscametopower,10%ofAlbanianswereilliterate?Withintwoyears,onlytwoyearsmar you,hehaditupto20%.Rogerloo edatNormananew.Wasthereatraceofsomethingunbalancedbehindthosethic lenses?SohowdidtheBossraisemoneyfortheseProjectsbyraisingtaxes?InitiallyyesbutthepeoplestartedcomplainingwhentaxationwentupsothatwaswhentheBosspulledoneofhismasterstro es.Hedroppedalltaxescompl

etely.Thatwashismasterstro e?Normanbeamedandshoo hishead.Heabolishedsalariesaswell.Thatwashismasterstro e!RogerwasmercifullysparedfurtherdetailsonthegloriesoftheBossandhissubjectsastheairmobileslowedthencoasteddowntoahalt.WearenowonehundredyardsfromtheAlbanianborder,Annieannounced.WhichmeanswearejustoutsideofficialAlbanianwind-brea ingspace.Passengerstobehumiliatedpleasealight.Here,youbettercarrythis,Normansaid,handingRogerawhiteflagwhichhad


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beenconvenientlylyingonthefloor.Justincasetheythin wereinvading.HejumpedoutandRogerfollowed.Theborder!Normantoldhim,pointingtoadilapidatedwoodenfencenotfaraway.Albania!hesaidandsighedecstatically.Rogerloo edtowardsthefence.Itrancroo edlyacrossthecountryside,wasntveryhighandbitsofitweremissing.Somesheepweregrazingalongitandtheywanderedthroughthegapsatwill.Itsnotmuchofafence,heremar ed.Ahbutwaittillyouseethewarningnotice,Normantoldhim.Letsgo.Theystrolledontilltheycametothesignwhichhadbeennailedtoapostnotfarfromthefence.Itsaid,YOUAREAPPROACHINGTHEALBANIANBORDER.YOUCANTCOMEINUNLESSYOUREANALBANIAN.SIGNED,THEBOSSOFALBANIA.Howsthatfordefence?Normansaidproudly.Yousee,nobodycangetinnowunlestheyreanAlbanian.Stunning,agreedRogerastheywal edon.

FIVE

Frombehindthefencetwopeasantswatchedthemapproach.Oneofthepeasants,Korab,wastallands inny.Theother,Zog,wasshortands inny.Bothwerewearingwoollyhats,raggedsheeps injac ets,grubbyleggingsandsandals.TheywereonborderpatrolandbothcarriedAlbaniaslatestdevelopmentinweaponrybigspears.Korabhadthelongerspearandthis,accordingtotheproudmilitaryt

raditionofAlbania,madehimHeadPeasant.Whosthiscoming?Zogas ed.Korabpeeredatthetwoapproachingfigures.OhChrist!ItsthattitwhowantstobeanAlbanianansomeidiotcarryintheflagoftheItalianArmy.ZogsawRogerwavingthewhiteflagandtittered.TheItalianArmyflag!herepeatedandtitteredagain.RogerandNormandrewcloserandtheBorderPatrolcouldseeRogersgorgeousyellowslipperswiththebouncingpin pompoms.Doallcapitalistswearsillyfootwear,Korab?Zogas ed.Korabnoddedwisely.Yeahmostofthem,thestupidbastards.GreetingsfellowAlbanians!Normanshoutedastheyneared.OhJesus!Korabmuttered,hisheadsin ingwearilyintohishands.SpareusfromthatcrapaboutwantintobeanAlbanianagain.

RogerandNormanreachedthefence.Therewasalargegapatthispointandtheycouldeasilyseethrough.ShallIchallengethem,Korab?theUnderPeasantas ed.Yeah,goon.Zogclearedhisthroatafewtimes.Youtwopeopleoverthere!heyelled.Fancyagameoftennisdoubles?Korabloo edatthes y.Notthat indofchallenge,youtwat!hesaidthroughgrittedteeth.Aproperchallenge.Li ethis.Heloo edsternlythroughthegapinthefence.Hoi,youpair!heshouted.AreyouAlbanians?Ifnotyoucanpissoffanifyousayyoudli etobeanAlbanian,headdedquic ly,rememberingpreviousencounterswithNorman,Illcomeoverthereanspearyou.Youcantgoover,Zoghissedathim.Werenotallowedto.Shit!Korabsaid,remembering.HeglancedatRogerandNorman.WhenIsaidcome

overanspearyou,hetoldthem,Ididntmeanitliterallybutifyoutryancrossthisborder,thefullmightofTheAlbanianPeoplesBorderArmywillbeunleashedonyou.Zogglancedathimsideways.Whatsthat?heas ed.TheBorderArmything?Youanme,Korabhissed.Anthesespears.Itsalright,Rogertoldhimplacatingly.We..mean..you..no..harm,hesaidslowenunciatingeveryword.Whyshetal inli ethat?Korabas ed.We..mean..you..no..harm.Perhapshehasaspeechimpediment,Zogsuggested.Lotsofcapitalistsdo.Itsecausetheirbowelsdontmoveregularly.


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Becausetheirbowelsdontmoveregularly!?Korabscoffed.Pissoff!Hethin sweacoupleofuneducatedpeasants.HeturnedtoRoger.Loo mate,hesaid,youdonaveto..tal ..slowly..we..can..understand..you.Sorry,Rogersaid.Ithoughtyouwereacoupleofuneducatedpeasants.Watchit!Korabresponded,bristling.Oryoullhavetwomorepompomsonyoursilyfootwear.Sorry,Rogertoldhim.Ireallydontmeanyouanyharm.InanswertoyourearlirquestionnoImnotanAlbanian.IdontwanttobeanAlbanian.IvecometowarnouabouttheBlac Cloud.DontwanttobeanAlbanian!?Korabrepeated,stunned.Hedoesntwanttobeanbanian,Zog.ListentoMisterHighandMighty.BeinanAlbanianstoogoodforyou,isitmate?Usedtobetterthings,arewe?WhatswrongwithbeinganAlbanian?Zogpipedup.Nothing,Rogerrepliedquic ly.ItsnotthatIdontwanttobeanAlbanian.Itsaidthattopacifyyou.IwanttobeanAlbanian!Normantoldthem.Idbeproudtobean--Dontyoustart!Korabwarnedhim.Weveheardallthatfromyoubefore.Youcaninussopissoff.ButI--Loo !Korabsaidforcefully.Ivealreadytoldyoutopissoff!Wevegotalotbordertopatrolanwecanthangaroundbandyinwordswiththeli esofyou.Wevegottopatrolawayuptheretothenorth,hesaid,pointingtothewest,thenalongoureasternboundary,thenallthebloodycoastbit,thenbac downtheretothesouth,hefinished,pointingtotheeast.

Butwevecometowarnyou,Rogerpersisted.Warnus?Whatabout?Korabas edsuspiciously.TheBlac Cloud.Blac Cloud?Youmeanitmightrain?Ha!Thatsnothin!Korabscoffed.Wereuseothingsli ethat.Hardyrace,weAlbanians.Nono!Rogersaidinexasperation.TheBlac Cloudfromouterspace.ItsapproahingEarthandeverybodysgonebecausetheplanetsgoingtobedestroyed.Youretheonlyonesleft.KorabandZogloo edateachother.Comeon,Zog-hesfuc innuts,KorabtheWiseannounced.Theystartedtowal off.Itstrue!Normanshouted.Youllbedestroyed.GreaterAlbaniaaswell.KorabandZoghalted,loo edateachotherthenstrolledbac .

DidyousayGreaterAlbania?Korabcalled.Yes,GreaterAlbania,Normansaid,slightlypanic y.IverenamedEarthasGreatrAlbaniainhonourofthemothercountry.GreaterAlbania?Korabrepeated.Normannodded.Overthere,whereyouare?Normannoddedharder.Sowheresthisoverherethen?Korabas ed.LesserAlbania?NoitsImeanttosayitsNormanstuttered,loo ingrounddesperately.Itswhat?Korabas ed,unmovedbyhisdiscomfort.IdidntsayGreaterAlbania,Normanburbled.Youmusthavemisheardme.IsaidaterAlbania.LaterAlbania?Korabmused,stro inghischin.Asin,thisistheoriginalAlba

niaandoverthere,heindicatedtheothersideofthefence,isLaterAlbania?Thatsit!Normangushedthan fully.LaterAlbania.Completelyinferiortotheiginalbutdeterminedtoserveasasatellitetothemothercountryandfounder.Korabloo edathim.Fuc incrawler,hesaidderisively.Zogtittered.Anyousayeverybodysleftthis,this--LaterAlbania,Normansupplied,unabashedbytheinsult.EverybodysleftLaterAlbania.Wellthen,howdidtheyleave?InShips,Rogertoldhim.Inships!Korabrepeatedandlaughed.Bloodyships!Wellyoucan issthemgood


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bye,mate.Theyllhavegoneovertheedgebynow.Theedgeofwhat?as edapuzzledRoger.Theedgeofthefuc inworld!Whatdyouthin Imeanttheedgeofmybleedinnose!?Rogerflushed.Normanbeamed.Zogtittered.Buthowcanthingsgoovertheedgeoftheworld?Rogeras ed.Korabsighed.Tellhim,Zog.Everybody nowstheEarthsflat,Zogsaidpatiently,andifyougoouttoseaiashipeventuallyyoucometotheedgeandgooverit.TheEarthsflat!Rogerrepeatedinamazement.Howsilly.Wherehaveyoupeopleeenalltheseyears?Heremate,Korabintoned,inLesserAlb,inbloodyAlbania.Andproudofit.Hedidntmeanshipsthatgoouttosea,Normansaidhelpfully.Hemeantonesthtgoupintheair.SpaceShips.Shipsthatgoupintheair!?Thatsgoodthat!Upintheair!Goodthat,eh,Zog!?Theybothlaughed.Dontyou nowthatspacehasbeencolonised?Rogeras edincredulously.Whatspace?Korabas ed.YoumeanthatbitoflandupnexttoLatvia?ToldyoudidntI,Zog?Isaidonedaythosebloodycapitalistswouldmovein,didntI?Zognodded.Bloodycapitalistbastards!Korabspat.Ifitwasntforusvigilantlypatrollinthisborderyoudoverrunusaswellanthenwhatwoulditbeli e?Theplacewouldbefullofcapitalistcrap.Li efoodintheshops,newclothes,sparepartsf

ormachinesSparepartsformachines,echoedZog.toplessnightclubs,wentonKorab.Toplessnightclubs,echoedZogagainthenheloo edpuzzled.Whatarethesetoplessnightclubsli e,Korab?heas ed.Horrible!Korabanswered.Bloodyhorrible.Waitressesservingbeerwiththeirupperdanglybitshanginout.Horrible.Zogseyebrowsliftedandadreamysmileappearedonhisface.Soundsquiteniceactually,hemuttered.RogerhoweverwasamazedbytheblatantignoranceoftheAlbaniansasahole.Isay,hesayd,dontyou nowwhatsgoingonouthereatall?Coursewedo!retortedKorab.TheBossputsupanoticeinthecowshedeveryyeartellinuswhatshappenin.We nowtheEarthsflatanthingsli ethat.

Butitsround,Rogerinsisted.Loo ,wevealreadybeenthroughthat,Korabsaidimpatiently.Weall nowitst.Butitsround!Itsround!Itsround!Rogerranted.Oh!Thecapitaliststhrowinatantrum,ishe?Korabsaid.Itsround!Itsrounround!hemimic ed.Zogsniggeredappreciatively.O aysmartarse,ifitsroundhowcomehundredsofpeopledisappearfromAlbaniaeveryyearwhentheygoouttosea?Korabas edandturnedtoZog,smilingtriumphantly.Youvegothimthere,Korab,Zogsaidadmiringly.Hundredsofpeopledisappearwhentheygoouttosea?Rogerrepeated,puzzled.WhatsthatgottodowiththeEarthbeingflat?

EveryyearhundredsofpeopledisappearfromAlbania,Korabexplained.Whenweas wheretheyvegone,theBosstellsusthesillybastardshavegoneouttosea.Theynevercomebac ,whichprovestheyvegoneovertheedge,whichprovestheEarthsflat.Rogergaveup.We nowaboutthingsli egointosea,Korabwenton,shootingaquic glanceatZog,becausewevegotabitofcoasthere.HepausedandglancedagainattheUnderPeasant.Werenotli esomeland-loc edBal anStatesIcouldmention.Zogsniggered.Stopit,Korab.Li eMacedonia.


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Zogsniggeredagain.OrSerbia.Moresniggering.OrMoldova.Theybothleanedagainsttheirspearsanddoubledoverinhystericallaughter.Li ethatabouttheland-loc edBal anStatesdontyou,Zog?Korabas edwhentheydrecovered.Zognodded,wipingsometearsfromhiseyes.Finesenseofhumourthesesturdypeople,NormansaidtoRoger.Icouldlistentothemallday.Loo sli eweregoingto,Rogermutteredresignedly,gazingacrossattherollingAlbaniancountrysideandwaitingpatientlyfortheBorderPatroltorecover.Sowehavegotabitofcoastthen,Korab?Zogas edwhentheyhad.Coursewehave!theWiseOnetoldhimproudly.Lovelybitofruggedcoastitis.Youllseeitwhenwepatrolthere.Arapturousloo crossedZogsface.Heclaspedhishands.Anddoesithaveseagullsandthings?Korabnodded.Andguillemotsandpuffins?Korabnoddedagainbutloo edatZogsuspiciously.Andsandpipersand--Whatsthisfuc infixationyouhavewiththewingedfaunaofthecoast,Zog?Korabas edpointedly.

Itsnotafixation,Zogsaidquic ly.Tooquic ly.Itsjustaninterest.Itsabloodyfixation!Korabmaintained.Forinstancelastwee whenwewereparollinourwesternborderIwastellinyouabouttheuprisinof1912anhowthousandsofpeoplediedlayinthefoundationsofourbelovedmodernAlbaniaanwhatdidyouas ?Youdidntas whotheimportantmartyrswere,youdidntas wherethemainbattlestoo place,youdidntas anyquestionswhichatruestudentofAlbanianhistorymighthavedoneyouas edifanydouble-crestedcormorantsgot illed!Thatsafixationmateandabloodyunhealthyoneatthat!Zogsighed.Deepdownherealisedhecouldntgetawaywithitanylonger.Itwasconfessiontime.Welltobehonest,Korab,hesaid,Ifeelverymuchintunewithseabirds.Intunewithseabirds!Korabexclaimed.Youmustbeoutyourfuc intree!Crevice,Zogcorrected.Weguillemotsliveinsmallcrevices,preferablyincli

ffsnexttothesea.Wedontliveintrees.WeGuillemots!?Korabpic edup.Whatdyoumean,weguillemots!?Zogloo edabituneasyandtoyedwithhisspear.WellohIsupposeIdbesttellyouactuallyIamaguillemot.Korabloo edathimthenburstoutlaughing.Aguillemot!hesaidtoRogerandNorman.Hethin shesafuc inguillemot!Andyouwanttojointhem?RogermutteredtoNorman.Iwouldntmindbeingaguillemot,Normanreplied.AnAlbanianguillemot.OhChrist,dontyoustart!Korabtoldhim.IvegotenoughproblemswiththistImeanguillemothere.HeturnedtoZog.O ay,ifyoureaguillemot,flyoverthefenceanbac .Goon,flyoverStandbac youtwo!heshoutedtoRogerandNorman.Thisex-peasantwhohasnowrevealedhistruefeathersisgointoflyoverthefence.Heturnedbac toZog.Wellgoon,flyyoulittlebastard.Whatareyouwaiti

nforthemigratoryfloc sheadinsouthforthewinter?Icantflyoverthefence,Zogsaid,loo inguncomfortable.Ha!Toldyou!Yousee,yourenotabird.Itisntthat,Zogexplained.IcantflyoverthefencebecauseIhaventgotatVisa.AnExitVisa!Afuc inExitVisa!Balls!Korabroared.Youcantflyoverthefecebecauseyouhaventgotfuc inwings!Ihave,Zogbegan,ImeanIusedtohavethembutbut--Butwhat?SomeboyscapturedmewhenIwasanestlingandclippedthem.


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Korablaughedderisively.AlrightsoImagroundedguillemot,Zogresponded,hurtbytheHeadPeasantsmoery.Korabshoo hisheadandloo edathim.Alwaysthoughttherewassomethinoddaboutyou,Zog,hesaid,stro inghischin.Mysuspicionswerefirstarousedyearsagowhenyouwouldntsleeponacomfortablebedofstrawinthecowshedwiththerestofusbutpreferredtobeupintheeaveswiththeroostinstarlings.Zogshuffleduneasily.Confessionwasonething.Humiliationwasanother.AndIshould now,Rogersaidthenwonderedwhy.Theothersturnedandstaredathim.Korabshoo hisheadthenturnedbac toZog.ThentherewasthattimeinbrainwashinclasswiththeBoss,hecontinued.TheBosssaidtous,WhoaretheswornenemiesofallAlbanians?Iofcoursereplied,Thecapitalistimperialistswineofthewest,butwhatdidyousay,eh,whatdidyousay,Zog?...Bigblac -headedseahaw s!Zogstaredatthegroundandtoyedwithhisspear.Korabsighed.Youarenotafuc inguillemot,Zog,heexplainedpatiently.YouareanAlbanianpeasant,patrollintheborderofourbelovedcountrywithme,yourfriend,KorabAltPrennushi,aring-tailedlemur.Ohshit!!hemutteredandclappedahandtohisforehead.Rogerloo edatNorman.Zogloo edatKorab.Thefirstring-tailedlemureverseeninAlbania!Normangushed.Isntitwonderul?Soyourearing-tailedlemurthen,Korab?Zogas edquietly.

Korabsighed.Yes!Yes!Yes!Imabloodyring-tailedlemur!headmittedunwillingly.Ifoughtitforawhile,Imeanitsabitsilly,agrownmanwantintobearing-tailedlemurbutIfoundmyselfgraduallybeinattractedtothingsli ehanginupsidedownintrees,sleepindurinthedayancominoutatnighttoforageforedibleberriesanchasesmallrodents.Thenon-prehensiletailisabitofadisadvantagebuthec ,heshrugged,youcanthaveeverythin.Zogsmiled.Funnyoldworld,isntit,Korab?Imean,youbeingaring-tailedlemurandmebeingaguillemot.ItsalittlecreatureIvealwaysadmired,thelemur.Alwayshadasoftspotforthemmyself,Korabadmitted.Greatarielabilityplusanicelifestyleeatininsectsanfruit,unlimitedshaggin,ma instrangebacgroundnoisesinnaturalhistorydocumentaries,thatsortoftrip.ZoglaidahandonKorabsarm.Perhapswecouldbefriends,Korab?hesaidgent

ly.Guillemotsquiteli ering-tailedlemursyou now.Korabsmiledgentlyinreturn.Forafewseconds.Ohfuc off!!heyelled,brushingZogshandaway.Guillemotsanring-tailedfuc inlemurs!heroared.Youstupitwat!Imnotalemuranyourenotafuc inguillemot!Youmeanyouwerelying?Zogas ed,hurt.OfcourseIwaslyin,youprat.Getitthroughyourbird-brained,yourthic headthatImnotanarborealprimateanyourenotasoddinguillemot.WeretwoAlbanianpeasantsonborderpatrol.ButKorabI--DontyoubutKorabme!Idontwanttohearanymore.Honestly,hesaid,sha inhead,aguillemot,afrigginguillemot.MaytheBosspreservemefrompsychoticpeasants.Heleanedhisheadwearilyagainsthisspearandclosedhiseyes.

Rogergavehimafewmomentsrespite.Isay,hebeganhesitatingly,tryingtoattracttheWiseOnesattention.KorabliftedhisheadandstaredathimandNorman.Youtwostillhere?heased.Ofcoursewerestillhere,Rogerexplained.WerestilltryingtowarnyouabouheBlac Cloud.StillonaboutthatCloud,eh?Itstrue,Rogersaid,gladtobac inthestoryagain.EverybodysleftEarth.mustleaveoryoullbe illed.Pissoff,Korabsaid,irritated.Thin weredaft?Itsatric togetusoutof


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bania.Toldyoutheywouldntleave,Normansaidproudly.Ma esyouproudtobeanAlb-Korabglaredathimfiercely.tobeaLaterAlbanian,Normanfinished.HeturnedtoRoger.Wemightaswellg.Itoldyoutheywouldntleave.Wellatleastsendoutthewomenandchildren,RogersaidtoKorab.Korabloo edpuzzled.Whatwomenandchildren?TheonesinAlbania.Therearentany.Nowomenandchildren?Nope.None.Rogerperusedthisfact.Hescratchedhishead.Somethinghadjustoccurredtohim.Iftherearenowomenleft,hebeganthenrealisedthatfactsli etheonehewasabouttobroachalwayscausedhimquitealotofembarrassment.Heflushedandstutteredon.IftherearenowomenleftinAlbaniahowdoyouwhodoesThecoo in?Korabsuggested.Rogershoo hishead.Thewashin?theex-guillemotsuggested.No.Howdoyou--Ma ethetea?Ha!Wecandothatourselves,cantwe,Zog?Zognodded.Notthetea,Rogersaid,wishinghedneverbroachedthesubject.Imean,iftheearenowomen,whodoyouImean,howdoyouKorabgrinned.Youmeanwhodoweshag!?

Rogerflushed.Korablaughed.Whowealwaysshag,hetoldhimandglancedmeaningfullyatasheepthatwaswanderingpast.Whybotherwithwomenwhenyoucangettherealthing,thatswhatIalwayssay!Rogerflushedfurtherintoaratherfetchingdeepscarlet.ThesheepsawKorabstaringatitandimmediatelytrottedoff.Wellifthatseverythin,wellbeoff,Korabsaidpleasantly.Nicetal intoyoWaitaminute,theScarletLadcalled.Iftherearenowomenandchildren,howmanyofyouareleft?Korabpuffedouthischee s.HeturnedtoZogandtheyhadalowmutteringconversationwhichinvolvedmuchcountingonfingers.Korabeventuallyturnedbac toRoger.Therearethreeofus,hetoldhim.Me,ZogantheBoss.

Andtheresafloc ofseagu--Zogstartedtosay.Korabshothimawitheringloo .Forgetit,Zogwiselyconceded.Soyourefusetoleave?Allthreeofyou?Rogeras ed.WellneverleavetheHomelandandthatsfinal,Korabsaidflatly.Sowhydontpissoffandta ethatwould-beAlbanianwithyou.Alright,Rogeragreed,givingup.IfyoudontwanttoleavewecantforceyouturnedtoNorman.Letsgo.Bye!Zogcalled,waving.Rogerwavedbac .Normanstiffenedtoattentionandsaluted.GoodbyefellowAlb--Watchit!Korabwarnedhim,brandishinghisspear.NormanturnedandfollowedRoger.Astheywal edbac totheair-mobile,Kor

abandZogresumedtheirpatrolalongthedilapidatedborderfence.Korabranhiseyeoveritastheystrolledalong.Thisfenceisinsomestate,heremar ed.I now!Zogproudlyagreed.ThegloriousStateofAlbania!Ididntmeanthathavetheygone?Zogglancedoverhisshoulder.RogerandNormanwerejustgettingintotheair-mobile.Yeah,theyrejustta inoff.Theybothturnedandwatchedtilltheair-mobiletoo off,pic edupspeedthencoastedoutofsight.Theytossedtheirspearsaway,turnedandloo edate


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achotherandfellaboutlaughing.Christthatwasgood!Korabsaidwhentheydrecovered.Youwerebrilliant!Zogtoldhim.Sowereyou.Thatstuffaboutbeinaguillemotlovedit!Andyouaring-tailedlemur!Inearlypissedmyself!Korabsniggered.NowomeninAlbania!Peoplegoouttoseaandovertheedge!AndthattitwantintobeabloodyAlbanian!TheybothlaughedagainthenKorabtoo outhiswatch.Hey,webetterstartheadinbac .Itsnearlyfour.Isit?Webettergothenifwewantafewdrin sbeforethelastflightleaves.Yeah.Getoutoftheserags,grabashowerandgetsuited-upbeforewego.Yes,sadlyitstimetoleaveGreaterAlbaniaforgood!Zogsaid.Korablaughedandtheybothturnedandheadedawayfromthefenceovertowardssometreeswheretheydhiddentheirair-mobile.

SIX

Ivegotyouundermycircuits!sangAnnietheAndroidontheair-mobile,Ivegyoudeepinthemicro-chipofme!...Wellgents,howwasthehumiliationthistime?Normanwasslumpedinhisseat,staringoutthewindow.Hedidntreply.

Albania,thatstheplaceforme!Anniesangandsniggered.Albania,thatswherwanttobe!Albaniawontlastmuchlonger,Rogerremar ed.HowlongtilltheBlac Cloudarives?Onewee ,Annietoldhim.Hmm,notverylong.Whatareyougoingtodo?heas edNorman.Stay.IdratherdieasanAlbanianthanliveasanythingelse.Pric ,mutteredAnnie.Ohsuityourself,Rogersaid,tiredoftryingtopersuadethesedoomedfanatics.TheairmobilecoastedalongandRogerloo edoutatthesceneryawhilethensomethingoccurredtohim.SowheredideverybodygowhentheyleftEarth?heas edNorman.

Theyallwenttodifferentplanets.Formedthemselvesintoseparatenewnationsthenpic edaplaneteachandleft.Whydidnttheyalljustgotothesameplanet?Ohyou nowwhatitwasli eherebeforetheyleft.Alltheformernationsarguingandbic eringandthreateningeachother.Imsurprisedafewwarsdidntbreaoutagain.Theydecidedthatthiswastheperfectopportunityforeachfactiontostartanewonitsownplanet.Thoughtthatmightavoidanymoretroublesotheyallwenttheirseparateways.Someofthenewnationsleftpromotionalfilmsbac attheControlRoom.Wanttoseethem?Mayaswell.ThenImleaving.HowsthatComputerofyours?Annieas edRoger.Stillta ingthepissoutofyo?Rogerflushed.

TellhimAnnietheAndroidsayshelloandgoodbye.Sure,Rogeragreed.Doyou nowmyComputer?Knewhimwhenhewasjustacalculator.Iwasadriverwhenhewasjustagraphonhisfathersdisplayunit.WellIllcertainlypassonthemessage.TheairmobilereachedtheControlRoomandcoasteddowntoasmoothlanding.Hereweare,gents,Annieannounced.TheControlRoom.Pleasemindyourseatswhenleavingyourhead.RogerandNormanalightedandstrolledovertothedilapidatedControlRoom.Illsetupthefilmsforyou,Normansaidwhentheyentered.


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Areyougoingtowatchthem?Normanshoo hishead.Seenthembefore.AnywayIvegotwor todo.Theresalotofpaperwor tobedonebeforetheplanetgetsdestroyedandIvegottogetroundallthesignsandchangeGreaterAlbaniatoLaterAlbania.He ic edsomerubbishoutofthewayandfoundRogeraseatinfrontofawallscreen.Sothesearethepromotionalfilmscertaingroupsmadetotrytopersuadeotherpeopletojointhemontheirnewplanets?Rogeras ed,convenientlysettingthesceneforthenextsection.Thatsright,Normanreplied.Hesearchedroundamongsttherubbishuntilhefoundsomeredpaintandabrush.Seeyoulater.Illbringyousomecoffee.Rogerwavedtohim,settledintohischairandwaitedfortheshowtostart.Thewallscreenflic eredalittlethenthefirstfilmbegantorollAsmartlydressed,clean-cutyoungmanissittingbehindades .Hehastheunmar edunlinedfaceofonewhodoesntindulgeinagreatdealofcerebralactivity.Hesmilesandrevealstworowsofperfectwhiteteeth.Hi!hesays.ImDonnyMormonandthesefinechapsstandingbehindmearemybrohers.Theshotpullsbac anditsrevealedthatDonnyisnotaloneinthispromotionalfilm.Behindhimandarrangedbyheightisasemi-circleofreplicaswithatenyearoldattheend.AlthoughtheremustbeadifferenceinagesitsnotapparentinthefacialcharacteristicseachhasthesameblandunlinedfaceasDonnyandeachissportingthesmile.Thereplicasintroducethemselvesheightabeticall

y.Hi!saysthetallest.ImLenny.Then,ImBenny.ImKenny.ImDenny.AndImlittleJimmyMormon!thesmallestonesaysandthrowsouthisarmsinashowbiz-typegesture.Thereplicaslaughandclap.EvenDonnyturnsroundandlaughs.ItsobviousthatlittleJimmyisthehumouristinthegroup.Encouragedbytheotherslaughterhetriesthesamelineagain.Afterallifitmadethemlaughonceitcouldmaethemlaughagain.AndImlittleJimmyMormon!hesays,throwingouthisarmsinashowbiz-typegesture.

Thegamblehasbeensuccessful.Thereplicasaredoubled-uporareholdingontoeachotherinhystericallaughteratlittleJimmysstunningbrilliantwitticisms.Thecamerazoomsinforsomeclose-ups.Completelyconfidentoftheirperfectteeth,thereplicasmouthsareopeninanglesofgayabandonmentwhichwouldhavetheordinarypersonreelingroundtheroomwithadislocatedjawbutwhichtothesetrapezeartistsofthesmileisnothing,amerelimberingupexercise,afterall,littleJimmycouldbewittyagainsoon.LittleJimmyfoolsaroundabit,doesafewshowbiz-typestepsthenopenshismouthasifhesgoingtosaysomethingelse.Theolderreplicasstraightenupandfocusonhim.Nothinghappens.Ablan loo replacesthevacantloo inlittleJimmyseyesandtheastuteviewermightcorrectlyguessthathumorousad-libbingdoesnotfeatureinlilJimsr

epertoire.Withnothinghappeninginsidehisheadexceptforlonelynerveimpulsesfranticallytryingtocontacteachother,littleJimmycleverlyslideshislipsbacoverhisteethtorevealthesmile.Itsaguaranteedwinnerandthereplicaslaughandclapatthisstunningbrilliantwitticism.Nowthattheintrosareoverandtheladshaveshownwhatahappywholesomebunchtheyare,itstimefortheimportantpartofthefilmTheMessage.Donnyturnsbac tothecameraandtheshotclosesinonhim.Thesmilehasgonefromhisface.Hesloo ingseriousorratherhethin shesloo ingserious.


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Actuallyheonlyhastwoexpressionssmilingandnotsmilingbutinthatgreatunusedcavernofhishead,hethin shesloo ingseriouswhenallthatsreallyhappenedisthathesstoppedsmiling.Idli etotal toyoualittleaboutusandtheplanetweregoingto,hesaysnavoicesosyrupyitma esyourfillingsache.Thereisclappingbehindhisheadfromthereplicas.Weretiredofallthepromiscuityinthemodernworld,Donnygoeson.Thingsliewildparties,thedevilsloudroc music,childrenbornoutofwedloc ,alcoholanddrugsjustdontappealtous.Wewanttogetawayfromallthatsortoffilth.Donnysmiles.Heloo sasifhesabouttoimpartsomemorebreath-ta ingnews.Heis.Soweregoingtoabrandnewplanet,hegoeson,anddoyou nowwhatweregoitocallit?AtthispointtheastuteviewercouldimaginethereplicasbehindDonnywaitingtohearwhattheplanetscalled.Theyvebeentoldseveraltimesalreadybutcerebralretentiondoesntfeatureintheirrepertoire.WeregoingtocallourbrandnewplanetUTAHPIA!Donnyreveals.Clappingandcheeringfrombehindhishead.Ohandlotsofsmiles.NowtheresalotofstuffwedontwantonUtahpia.Wedontwantalcoholordrugortobaccoorgamblingorpre-maritalintercourse.Especiallyanythingconnectedwithunnecessaryintercourse.Moreclappingfromthereplicas.SoifwehavenouseforanyofthesethingsIvementioned,whatarewegoing

todowithourselves?Whatindeed?theastutevieweristhin ing,waitingwithbaitedbreathfortherevelation.Afterallthemajorobsessionsofthehumanracehavejustbeencasuallydismissedinacoupleofsentences.TherewillbelotsofthingsforustodoonUtahpia,Donnyexplains.Theresbuldingchurches,praying,brushingourteeth,religiousstudies,buildingmorechurches,oralhygieneandmorereligiousstudies,hetellsus.Butitsnotgoingtobeallwor you nowbecauseweregoingtohavelotsoffunaswereta ingourveryown,veryspecial,veryfunnypersonwithus.Anddoyou nowwhothatis?No,thin stheastuteviewer.Wehaventmetanyoneli ethatyet.Thenthepennydrops.OhChrist!mutterstheastuteviewer,headprobablysin ingintohands.Doyou nowwhothatveryspecial,veryfunnypersonis?Donnyas sagainbeca

useitsobviousthattheveryspecial,veryfunnypersonhasmissedhiscue.Hey,hey,hey!pipesuplittleJimmyfrombehindDonnyshead,possiblyafteraprodfromoneofthereplicas.Youveguessed!Donnysays,laughing.Ourveryown,veryspecial,verytalentedaughterma erlittleJimmyMormon!OnecanimaginelittleJimmythrowingouthisarmsinashowbiz-typegestureattheverymentionofhisname.Somethingli ethePavloveffectlittleJimmysnameismentionedanddogsthrowouttheirpawsinashowbiz-typegesture.Soifthis indoflifestyleappealstoyou,saysDonny,andIcantimaginewhyitwouldntUnderstandable,thin stheastuteviewer,accuratelyestimatingtheextremelynarrowlimitsofDonnysimagination.thenwhynotcometoUtahpiawithus,Donnydrivelson.ItsthewayGodplanne

t.TheMessageover,thecamerapansbac slightly.Donnyhasstoppedbeingseriousbuthesnotsmilingalthoughhethin sheis.Insidethatgreatshuntingyardofhishead,thesmilesynapsehasbeenderailed.Thecamerapansbac furtherandthereplicasareallinthepictureagain.LittleJimmysloo ingasplayfulaseverandtheresanairofexpectancyaboutthegroup.Ishegoingtosayitagain?Ishe?Heis.AndImlittleJimmyMormon!hesays,throwingouthispawsinashowbiz-typegesture.Theotherslaughandclapandlethimhavehisway.Andwhynot?Inafewye


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arshewillbegrownupandcharacterlessli etheminsteadofyoungandcharacterlessasheisnow.AmidstscenesofconvulsivelaughterandhilarityatmoreoflittleJimmysantics,thesceneslowlydar ensandthevoice-overcomeson.Utahpia,saysthevoice.Theidealworldforyou,Godandyourteeth.Theplanetwhereyoullfeelnopainandexperiencenopleasure.Utahpia.Religiousdentistswelcome.Thescenefades.

Rogershoo hishead.ItllprobablybealongwaytoUtahpia,hemusedthensomethingoccurredtohimandhesmiled.NevermindtheyllhavelittleJimmyto eepthemamusedwhentheyretravelling!Thenextpromotionalfilmbegantoroll

Amanissittingonacouchbehindacoffeetable.HeiswearingHawaiianshorts,agarishmulti-colouredt-shirt,astrawhatandishalfdrun .Ama e-upgirlcomesonandstartspowderinghisface.Asshebendsoverhimhereachesoutandfondlesherlargeboobs.Shescreamsandrushesoff.Themanlaughsandopensacanoflager.Itfizzesup,sprayingsomeofthecontentsoverhisfaceandt-shirt.Notabadpaironthatsheila!heremar sthendrainsmostofthelager.Hicobbers!hesays.ManamesSydneyQueenslandanAhdli etotellyerabouttheplaneteanmamatesisgointo.Itsgonnabemadeupofallthesporty,drin in,partyinpeoplewhousedtocomefromAustraliaanNuZealand.WerecallintheplanetAN

UZannobodysgonnama eanarseofusfol sanymore!Sydneystopsforbreaththenfinishesthecan.Hetossesitoverhisshoulder.Anymorelagainthehouse?heas s.Fromoffcamerasomebodythrowshimacan.Hetriestocatchitbutfumblesanddropsitinhislap.Strewthfellas,almostdamagedthePresidentdeGaulsthere!Heopensthecananddrainshalfofit.Wellwhat indapeopledowewantonAnuz?hesays,drawinghisarmacrosshismouth.Ifyouli esport,parties,barbiesansheilaswithbig noc asthenyourethesortaguywereloo infor.Youseewewannahavethebestrugbyancric etteamsintheUniverse.Anwellgetthem.Knowwhy?Coswevegotsomecrac inplayersalreadyanweregonnagetlotsmoreantheyllallbelivinantraininunderidea

lconditionsnointellectualdistractionswhatsoever!Hefinishesthelagerandtossesthecanoverhisshoulderagain.Anymore,fellas?heas s.Anwatchthesheilabaitthistime!Thema e-upgirlrushesonandputsacanonthetable.Shestayswelloutofhisreach.Sydneyleersatherthenopensthecananddrainssome.SoifyoureinterestedinsportcomealongtoAnuzwithus.Wellma eamanoutayouespeciallyifyoureawoman!Helaughsandfinishesthelagerthentriestostandupbuthastograbthecoffeetableforsupport.ButwedontwantanyofyouEnglishpommybarstardscomin!heshouts,swayingfromsidetoside.Anwedontwantyoutryintodumpanyofyercriminalrubbishonournewplanetli eyerdidtoAustralia!YaEnglishpommybarstards!Gotawaywithitbefore,didntyer?Wellyouwontgetawaywithitthistime!

Sydneyisbecomingprettyangrynow.He ic sthecoffeetableoverthenloseshisbalanceandfallsontopofit.AnAhlltellyersomethinelse!heyells,onlyhisheadinthepicture.YapoofBritbarstards!Hestaggersupandstumblestowardsthecamera.Yafuc inlimeybumboysherants,stillweavingtowardsthecamera.Hesteadieshimselfanddrawsbac hisfoot.Itswingserraticallyupwards,thereisathumpfollowedbythesoundsofbrea ingglassandthefilmendsabruptly.

Ivebroughtyousomecoffee,apaintspatteredNormansaidashecamebac intotheroom.


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Than you,Rogersaidstiffly.Whatsup?Normanas ed.ImbeinghuffybecauseImthemaincharacterinthestoryandIvehardlybeenmntionedforseveralpagesnow,Rogertoldhim.Normangrinnedandslippedbac outasthelastfilmstartedtoroll

Thescreenremainedblac awhilethenslowlystartedtobrightenandafigureisdramaticallysilhouettedsittinginahigh-bac edarmchair.Thepicturelightenscompletelyandasmilingelderlymanisrevealed.Heiswearinganexpensivedar bluepin-stripesuit,whiteshirtandtie.Hehassilverhairandasmallneatsilverymoustache.Hello,hesaysinaveryclippedupperclassaccent.ImSirEdwardSingen-KyddndImheretotellyouaboutCONPART,theplanetallwepeoplefromtheoldConservativePartyaregoingto.SirEdwardcasuallycrossesoneexpensivelysuitedlegovertheother.Heisrelaxedandincontrolbecausehesnostrangertothistypeofsituationbullshitingontelevisionwhilecompletelybelievingitsthetruth.Sowhatwillitbeli eonConpartIhearyouas ?WhatcanIloo forwardto?Afterall,goingtoanewplanetandpossiblyadifferentwayoflifecouldbeabitofashoc whichiswhyI nowyoullli eConpart.Youseewevedecidedtorecreateconditionsexactlyastheywerehere.Therewillbeanunbridgeablefinancialgapbetweenyouandus,fairlyhighunemployment,continuallydroppinglivingstandardsandeverynowandagainwellorganisetheoddwaragainstaneighbouringplanetwhichwillma eyoufeelreallypatrioticandinwhichalotofyo

uwilldietotallyunnecessarily.Theprolesarenowhoo ed.Thedazzlingcarrotofrepetitivenesshasbeendangledinfrontofthem.SirEdwardconsolidates.Sowhattypeofpeopleareweloo ingforonConpart?WhythesametypewehadunderusintheoldConservativegovernmentpeoplewhodontmindbeingmanipulated,peoplewhodont nowtheyrebeingmanipulatedandpeoplewhodontmindwhodoestheirthin ingforthem.SirEdwardsmiles.Li ehishair,thesmileisreal.Li ehishair,thesmilesnothisbutitsreal.ImsurebynowalotofyouwillbeinterestedinConpartandmightwellbeasingyourself,DoImeasureup?WilltheyacceptmeifIwanttogo?Wellletmeallayyourfearsbyas ingyouthissimplequestionisyouragehigherthanyourIQ?IftheanswerisyesthenconsideryourselfaprospectiveConpartee.

SirEdwardcrossesoneexpensivelysuitedsmileovertheother.WillIgetanythingImusedtoonConpartIhearyouas ?Willtherebeanythingthesame?Ofcoursetherewill.Ta enewspapersforinstance.Weveaspecialnewspaperallreadyforyou,justli etheonesyouhadhereseveralpagesofyoungladieswithverylargebreasts,severalpagesofsport,severalpagesofTVandmostimportantly,justenoughnewsto eepyoumisinformed.Afterallwedontwantyouworryingaboutthingsli ethestateoftheplanet,badlyplannedgovernmentspending,enormoussalariesforelderlypooftersli emeoranyoftheothermainissues,dowenow?SirEdwardcrossesoneexpensivelysuitedlieovertheother.Andwhatofthingsli elawandorder,Ihearyouas ?WellonConpartwevedecidedonthenononsenseapproachanybodycaughtpar ingonadoubleyellowlinewillbehung.Secondoffenderswillreceiveharsherpunishment,aswilltheirp

arents.ToughoncrimeandtoughonthebreedersofcriminalsthatsoneofourmottosandImsureyoullprobablyagree.SirEdwardadjuststhecreasesonhisthree-piece,pinstripesmile.SothatsConpartforyou.Theplanetwhereyoullgetexactlythesameasyougotherenotverymuch.Dontworryaboutitthough,we nowthatsthewaymostofyouwantitanyway,youineffectualcollectionofmolecules.HoweverthatsjustapersonalopinionandImjustanelderlypoof.SirEdwardsmiles.ButImanelderlypofwithpower.Goodnight.Thepicturedar ensslowlyuntilonlySirEdwardssilhouetteisvisible.Thevoiceovercomeson.Conparttheplanetwhereyoullfeelathomebutnever


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etone.ConparttheplanetthatprovestherestwosidestoeveryTory.Conpartawholenewdimensioninrepetitivenessandexploitation.Thesilhouetteandvoice-overfade.Rightoncue,Normanstrolledbac intotheroom.Hewal edoverandswitchedoffthewallscreen.Welldidyouli eanyofthefilms?heas edRoger.Notreally,Rogerreplied.Soyoudontfeelli ejoininganyofthem?Rogershoo hishead.Wherewillyougothen?ProbablytoNewEarthtoseeAmandaandtheothers.Whydontyoucomealongwithme?Nothan s,Normanreplied,azealotsgleamvisibleinhiseyesthroughhisthicglasses.Mydutyliesherewiththemother,Imeanstep-motherland.Soyourestaying?Itsanhonour.WellImightaswellgojustnowthenifIcantchangeyourmind.Righto,NormansaidpleasantlythenhismannerchangedandhestrodepurposefullyovertothedooroftheControlRoom.HaveyougotyourExitVisa?heas edofficiously.ExitVisa?Whatsthat?SameasyourEntryVisaonlyyouneedthisonetoleave.Ohdonttellmeweregoingthroughallthatagain,Rogersaidirritated.Youajo ing,arentyou?Normanremainedstonyfaced.

Arentyou?Rogerrepeated.ArentIwhat,sir?Normanas ed.Arentyoujo ingabouttheExitVisa?Nowloo ,dontstartallthatsirbiteir,Rogersaidcrossly.Imnotacompletefoolyou now.Normanstro edhisjawthoughtfully.SosirdoesnthaveanExitVisa?hesaid,staringatRoger.TellyouwhatIllletitgothisonce,justthisoncemindbutdontletithappenagain.Itsnotli elyto,isit?Rogersaid,movingtowardsthedoor.Whatdyoumean,sir,notli elyto?Well,theBlac Cloud,Rogerremindedhim.Earthsgoingtobedestroyed.Normansmiledindulgently.Goingtobedestroyedisit,sir?Well,well,well.Sothatswhatsirthin s,isit?Theplanetsgoingtobedestroyed,eh?Rogerloo edsearchinglyatNorman.Wasthereasubtlechangeintheeyesbe

hindthosethic lenses?Wasthisanothergame?Wouldanybodyevertellhimifitwas?Theplanetsgoingtobedestroyed,Normansaidconversationallytosomeonenexttohimthatonlyhecouldsee.Whatdyouthin ofthat?Hesgoingnuts,Rogerthought,edgingnearerthedoor.Probablyspenttoomuchimeonhisown.Hethin stheressomebodyelsethere.Imleaving.HesmiledandnoddedatNormanthenslippedpasthim.Sohethin stheplanetsgoingtobedestroyed?avoicesaidfromnexttoNorman.Thatsagoodone.Maybehesnuts.Ithoughtthateversincehelanded,Normansaidtohisinvisiblefriend.Imean,thewayhesignoredyouallthistime.Treatedyouasifyouwerentthere.Heseithernutsorhesanignorantbugger.Nuts,Idsay,hisfriendanswered.

Thin so?Yeah,definitely.Loo atthoseslippersheswearing.Normanloo edatRogersbrightyellowslippersashepompomdhiswayacrosstohisShip.Helaughed.Lovely,arentthey?Aminutelater,RogersShiplifted.Poorbugger,Normansaid,watchingitgo.Hesbeenonhisowntoolong.ShametewaytheytreatthesePilots.HewatchedtilltheShipwentoutofsightthenstrolledthroughtotheControlRoomssmall itchen.


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Ahwell,teatime,hesaid,rubbinghishandstogether.Ithin thereareacoupleofnicechopsinthefridge.Chops?hisfriendsaid.Wehadchopslastnight.Didwe?Yesyoureright.Whatdoyoufeelli ethen?Hmmmhowaboutsomescrambledeggs?Scrambledeggs?Alright,Normanagreed.Fortwo.Fortwo,Normansaidandhummedhiswayroundthe itchen.Nicetohaveabitofcompany,isntit?Yeah,agreedhisfriend.Dont nowwhoIdtal toifyouwerenthere.Meneither,Normanagreed,layingtwoplatesonthetable.Idprobablywindupal ingtomyselfifyouwerenthere.

roger's fabulous voyages, part 1, re-posted

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