romeo and juliet, to the max=101714 · 2014-10-17 · romeo and juliet, to the max! 2 romeo and...

ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX! By Tim Brownell

Copyright © 2013 by Tim Brownell, All rights reserved. ISBN: 978-1-60003-796-2 CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this Work is subject to a royalty. This Work is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention and the Berne Convention. RIGHTS RESERVED: All rights to this Work are strictly reserved, including professional and amateur stage performance rights. Also reserved are: motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information and storage retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into non-English languages. PERFORMANCE RIGHTS AND ROYALTY PAYMENTS: All amateur and stock performance rights to this Work are controlled exclusively by Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this play without securing license and royalty arrangements in advance from Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. Questions concerning other rights should be addressed to Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Professional and stock fees will be set upon application in accordance with your producing circumstances. Any licensing requests and inquiries relating to amateur and stock (professional) performance rights should be addressed to Brooklyn Publishers, LLC. Royalty of the required amount must be paid, whether the play is presented for charity or profit and whether or not admission is charged. AUTHOR CREDIT: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this play must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this play. The author’s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line where no other written matter appears. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the play. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s). PUBLISHER CREDIT: Whenever this play is produced, all programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with Brooklyn Publishers, LLC COPYING: Any unauthorized copying of this Work or excerpts from this Work is strictly forbidden by law. No part of this Work may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means now known or yet to be invented, including photocopying or scanning, without prior permission from Brooklyn Publishers, LLC.

ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX!

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ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX! A One Act Comedy

Freely Adapted from William Shakespeare

By Tim Brownell SYNOPSIS: Three workout trainers bring their special brand of energy to a pumped-up, modern retelling of Shakespeare’s classic tragedy of forbidden love. This muscular trio of narrators take the audience on an extremely (emphasis on ‘extreme’) hilarious journey that mashes up the Bard’s famous lines with contemporary references. Every character gets his own soundtrack. The Capulets are greedily carnivorous tycoons and the Montagues are folk-singing vegans. With dance breaks and stage battles, this play will make younger performers fall in love with Romeo and Juliet.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (7 female, 8 male, 8 either, 0-10 extra; gender flexible)

THE PUMPED-UP CREW TITUS (m) ..................................... Muscular narrator with secret feelings

for Helga (46 lines) HELGA (f) ..................................... Muscular narrator with secret feelings

for Titus (48 lines) LARRY (m) ................................... Not-so-muscular, brainy narrator

(43 lines)

THE MONTAGUES ROMEO (m) .................................. The Montague son who falls in love with

Juliet (91 lines) BENVOLIO (m/f) .......................... Romeo’s cousin, a hippie (37 lines) ABRAM (m/f) ................................ A Montague servant who loves peace

and vegetables (23 lines) BALTHASAR (m/f) ...................... Another peace-loving, vegetarian

Montague servant (23 lines) LORD MONTAGUE (m) .............. Romeo’s father, the lead singer of folk

band. Also plays caveman UG (23 lines) LADY MONTAGUE (f) ................ Romeo’s mother, banjo player in the folk

band (19 lines)

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THE CAPULETS JULIET (f) ..................................... The Capulet daughter who falls in love

with Romeo (60 lines) TYBALT (m/f) ............................... Juliet’s cousin and leader of gang called

The Carnivores (32 lines) NURSE (f) ..................................... Juliet’s Italian nanny and best friend.

Has a thick Italian accent. (35 lines)

GREGORY (m/f) ........................... A Capulet servant and member of The Carnivores (23 lines)

SAMPSON (m/f) ........................... Another Capulet servant Carnivore member (22 lines)

LORD CAPULET (m) ................... Juliet’s father and President of Capulet Cold Cuts. Also plays caveman WUG (32 lines)

LADY CAPULET (f) ..................... Juliet’s mother and CEO of Capulet Cold Cuts (28 lines)

THE TOWNSPEOPLE OF VERONA PRINCE ESCALUS (m/f) ............. Captain of the Verona Police Force

(19 lines) MERCUTIO (m/f) .......................... Romeo’s best friend with dance moves

like John Travolta (27 lines) FRIAR LAWRENCE (m) .............. Romeo’s advisor and a clergyman

(32 lines) PARIS (m) ..................................... Juliet’s suitor, a math major (19 lines) ROSALINE (f) ............................... Romeo’s flirtatious ex (22 lines) AMY APPLE (f) ............................ Anchor of a gossipy television show

(31 lines) JOE THE MESSENGER (m) ......... A mailman and Rosaline’s current flame

(11 lines) EXTRAS (m/f) ................................ 0-10, (Non speaking)

DURATION: 50 minutes

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PROPERTY LIST

Caveman clubs (Lords Capulet/Montague) Piece of meat (Lord Capulet – no real food!) Large vegetable (Lord Montague) Wrapped meat products (Lord/Lady Capulet) 2 Red Sox/2 Yankee hats (Gregory/Sampson/Abram/Balthasar) Small sketch pad (Sampson) Bubbles (optional – Benvolio) Swords (Lords, Servants, Tybalt, Romeo, Mercutio, Benvolio, Paris) 1-2 banjos (Optional - Lord/Lady Montague. Can actually play, or just

strum them) Police baton and handcuffs (Prince Escalus) Hacky Sack (optional – Montauges) Boom box (Gregory – music is played through theater sound system.) Video camera (Camera Person) Microphone (Amy Apple) Invitation (Lord Capulet) Violin (Optional – Sampson) Black licorice (Romeo) Masks (All – Possible project for your students. Suggest that different

characters get different style masks based on their personalities) Long, thin Red Carpet (Camera Person) Trays of meat (Capulet Servants) Poetry book (Mercutio) Fortune-teller Cloak (Friar) Hershey Kisses (Romeo/Juliet) Handkerchief (Larry) Gavel (Prince Escalus) Veils (Juliet/Nurse) Large Hershey’s Kiss (Juliet) Potion (Friar) Letter (Friar) 2 Cell phone (Messenger/Romeo) Mountain Dew (Larry) Rose (Paris) Calculator (Paris) Dagger (Romeo)

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COSTUMES TITUS and HELGA – Must have fake (or real, but harder to come by)

muscles. Biceps are obvious but thighs, rear, abs are great, too. Matching outfits/uniforms/color schemes would be helpful, too. “Pumped Up Crew” or “Pumped Up Shakespeare” logos could be a fun project.

LARRY – Matches Titus and Helga color scheme, but with no muscles. Larry should look bookish. You can go classic suspenders, too-high-pants, ill-fitting muscle shirt. Glasses seem like a good choice.

ROMEO – Should match Montague color palette but also suggest a connection to Juliet. You might want to play up the stars in “star-crossed lovers”

OTHER MONTAGUES – Hippies. Have fun: long hair, beads or peace-symbols, color tinted shades, baggy pants. Floral patterns. Find a color palette, perhaps green. The Lord and Lady should look more well off than the Servants.

JULIET – Should match Capulet color palette. See Romeo’s note. TYBALT – A gang leader. Might want to give him black leather jacket

with “Carnivore” scrawled in red on the back. Also, cat-like. LORD and LADY CAPULET – CEOs. Very business-minded, sleek.

Wealthy. Perhaps their color palette is black/red. OTHER CAPULETS – Can go back and forth between aprons and tough

guy jackets. PRINCE ESCALUS – Special forces cop. Should have a uniform look

about him, but sleeker than an average police uniform. Judge’s robe would help for trial scene, but not necessary.

MERCUTIO – Colorful and flamboyant. Think John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

FRIAR LAWRENCE – Friar Robe and cross are fine. He has an earthy quality.

PARIS – Well-dressed but bland. Bow-tie. Hair perfectly parted. Stopwatch. You get the idea.

ROSALINE – A temptress. Give her a flashy dress and jewelry. Spends a long time on her look, including hair.

AMY APPLE – Overly done-up for the camera. Fashionable, gaudy. JOE THE MESSENGER – A FedEx or UPS delivery man uniform. Feel

free to change his professional affiliation depending on which of the two outfits is easier to create.

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DIRECTOR’S NOTES

The shifts between Shakespearean and modern language should feel seamless. Actors should not change or elevate their voice for heightened Shakespearean language. Try to make the two elements flow. Make sure your actors understand exactly what they are saying when they speak the actual Shakespearean verse. Much of the time it is explained by the narrators or by context, but it is essential that they are clear on meaning. Don’t assume they know what they’re talking about. There should be very few, if any, blackouts. The play should be fast moving with minimal scenery or set changes. Any transitions should be covered by the narrators’ dialogue, meaning have the narrators speaking while the change is happening. The narrators should have their own special area, probably one of the two downstage corners. They don’t need to be onstage all the time but they come in and out very quickly and should give the appearance that they are following the story, even when they are unseen offstage. Amy Apple does not need a Camera Person to accompany her, but if she doesn’t have one the actor should practice “placing” the camera somewhere in the audience. If you have extra students, someone might love to be the Camera Person. Speaking of extras, you can give Tybalt more gang members and have other Servants for both the Capulets and the Montagaues. The Capulet ball can also have party guests who can appear at the trial and other group moments. Comedy moves quickly, especially this one. Drill your actors on pacing. Pauses should be placed carefully by the director (encourage your actors not to pause unless for laughter or because you directed them to do so) Have fun with the soundtrack. I have made suggestions but you may play whatever you want. The actors should be aware of the music and allow their physical energy to react to it. Also, they should not wait for the music to end before speaking, but rather start speaking as it fades out.

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The Nurse should have a comic accent. The suggestion is Italian but if your actor is more comfortable with say, Scottish, that’s fine, too. Make sure it’s not offensive! Certain actors, specifically Romeo and Juliet, will need to go fluidly back and forth between comic and serious. Encourage them to commit to the moments of genuine love and tragedy, as passionately as they commit to the comedy. The play will work best if alongside the comedy runs sadness and this will only work if your actors care about their onstage relationships. Good luck and have fun!

PRODUCTION HISTORY Romeo and Juliet, To The Max! was first produced with the Littlebrook Elementary fifth grade in Princeton, NJ in the spring of 2005 as part of a McCarter Theatre Education residency. It has since been adapted its current form by the playwrights but some of the ideas and character names come from the original group of student performers.

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PROLOGUE AT RISE: A loudspeaker address from offstage. TITUS: (Offstage.) Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, let’s get

readdyyyyy to rummmmble! And now… HELGA: (Offstage.) Shakespeare. Pumped Up To the Max! LARRY: (Offstage.) With your hosts, Titus, Helga, and Larry! The PUMPED-UP CREW, TITUS, HELGA and LARRY, enter and flex their muscles. LARRY is unimpressive. TITUS: Yo, audience! Let’s get pumped…to the max! HELGA: It’s On baby! Can you smell what the Helga is cooking?!?!? LARRY: Ummm…salutations everybody. TITUS: We are the buffest, the baddest, the meanest Shakespeare

crew EVER and we are here to– TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: PUMP, (Clap.) YOU UP! HELGA: We all know that master playwright William Shakespeare

is…Da Man! TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Da Man! TITUS: But man, he can be confusing, confounding, downright

perplexing and puzzling. But don’t worry– TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: We are here to (Clap.) help! LARRY: We will pump you up, Shakespeare-style. Go

Shakespeare! TITUS and HELGA: Shut it, Larry. HELGA: After today, YOU will know the whole story of

Shakespeare’s classic tragedy of love– TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Romeo and Juliet! Huh! (They chest

bump.) TITUS: But before we can pump you up, there is something you

need to know. Tell us, Helga, my lady. HELGA: My pleasure, Titus. Their eyes meet for a moment and then. LARRY: Uhh…Helga, Titus?

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HELGA: What? Oh, you need to know that Romeo and Juliet takes place in the ab-tastic town of–

TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Verona, Italy. TITUS: Set the scene, Larry! LARRY: Go, me! In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, there are

two wealthy families who hate each other very much. CAPULETS and MONTAGUES enter from opposite sides. LARRY: They are the Capulet family… CAPULETS: Capulets Rule! LARRY: …and the Montague family! MONTAGUES: Montagues Rock! Flashy rock and roll poses from the CAPULETS and MONTAGUES. LARRY: Two families, both alike in DIGNITY… Polite poses from the CAPULETS and MONTAGUES. TITUS: The two families hated each other for a long time. From

ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Their hatred runs way back to the time of the cave man.

WUG CAPULET and UG MONTAGUE are there. They are cavemen – played by the two LORDS HELGA: The conflict between the two families began in 2020 B.C.

when Wug Capulet and Ug Montague had a terrible fight over what to eat for dinner.

WUG: (Holds up meat and grunts.) Uhhh. UG: (Holds up plant and grunts back.) Uhhh! WUG: WUGGG! UG: UGGG! WUG and UG: W/UGGGGGGGGG! HELGA: Fast forward to 1920 AD, the family conflict continues. Oh

yeah!

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The actors fast forward. LARRY: The Montague family is invited to a dinner party at the

Capulets. CAPULETS strike “welcome” poses. HELGA: The Capulet family owns– LORD CAPULET: The greatest meat-making company in all Verona!

Yes-siree, Bob! Yee-haw! LADY CAPULET: That’s right, so buy your beef, and purchase your

pork products from Capulet’s Cold Cuts! CAPULETS change their pose to hold up their meat products. TITUS: The Capulets served a delicious meal of the best meats to

the Montagues, but little did they know that the Montagues were– BALTHASAR: Vegetarians, dude! CAPULETS: Vegetarians? MONTAGUES: Vegetarians! LARRY: So when the Capulets offered the meaty meal to the

Montagues, you can guess what happened: LORD MONTAGUE: Rude! MONTAGUES: RUDE! LADY MONTAGUE: Offensive! MONTAGUES: OFFENSIVE! ABRAM: Even though we love peace, We Hate You! MONTAGUES: Yeah, WE HATE YOU! CAPULETS: WE HATE YOU TOO! CAPULETS and MONTAGUES stomp off. HELGA: When will the fighting stop? Can anything change their

hatred to love? Maybe the story of a pair of star crossed lovers will–

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LARRY: Shhh…don’t giveth it away…eth. Gentle Audience, lean forward in your seats, turn up your hearing aids, this is the one-hour traffic of our stage: now is the time to see if the Capulets and Montagues can ever stop fighting.

TITUS: And to find out if forbidden love can conquer hate! Picture the town square of Verona. Present day. Summer. And it’s hot. The Montague Servants run into the Capulet Servants in the town square.

BALTHASAR, ABRAM, GREGORY and SAMPSON enter. HELGA: And now it’s time for us to-– TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: Pump, (Clap.) You Up! TITUS: With– TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: ROMEO AND JULIET. HUH!

THE TOWN SQUARE GREGORY: Draw your tool, Sampson, here comes two of the house

of Montague! SAMPSON bites his thumb at ABRAM and BALTHASAR. ABRAM: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? SAMPSON: I do bite my thumb, sir. BALTHASAR: Do you bite your thumb at us, sir? SAMPSON: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite

my thumb, sir. TITUS: Freeze! All SERVANTS freeze in thumb biting poses. HELGA: Did you know that it is a big insult to bite your thumb at

somebody? Watch dis. TITUS and HELGA bite their thumb at LARRY, who sniffles, upset.

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TITUS: You see? Everybody who hates each other bites their thumb. Like, vegetarians and meat-lovers! (Gesturing to the two sides.)

LARRY: Yankees fans and Red Sox fans. The sides turn their caps around to show their baseball affinities. TITUS: Dogs and cats… The MONTAGUES and CAPULETS make dog and cat gestures at each other.

Unfreeze!!! BALTHASAR: Draw, if you be men! GREGORY: Draw! SAMPSON: Okay dude! (Quickly takes out a pad and begins

sketching GREGORY.) GREGORY: Don’t draw me, draw your swords! All SERVNATS draw their swords and raises them when BENVOLIO rushes in with his arms raised. BENVOLIO: Part fools! HELGA: Announcing Benvolio Montague, the hippie! He’s one

righteous dude. Bob Marley music comes on, BENVOLIO makes peace symbol at the SERVANTS and tries to part them from fighting, maybe blows bubbles, or something equally friendly. As the music fades. BENVOLIO: Peace and love, dudes. ABRAM and BALTHASAR: Peace and love! BENVOLIO: Put up your swords, and your drawing pads, you know

not what you do. Where is the love? TITUS: Announcing Tybalt Capulet, leader of the gang, the

Carnivores. You might want to hide your small children.

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Bad to the Bone music comes on. TYBALT enters looking tough, sneering, possibly frothing at the mouth and the CAPULET SERVANTS stand behind him menacingly. GREGORY and SAMPSON: Carnivores! TYBALT: Turn thee Benvolio and look upon thy death. BENVOLIO: I do but keep the peace! TYBALT: Peace? I hate the word. As I hate vegetarians, all

Montagues, and thee! GREGORY: Ooo, Benvolio, you’re in big trouble! SAMPSON: Tybalt is buff! GREGORY: Tybalt is dangerous! SAMPSON: Tybalt smells pretty good! TYBALT: Have at thee coward! BENVOLIO and TYBALT: (Thumb war.) One, two, three, four, I

declare thumb war! BENVOLIO and TYBALT have a thumb war combo sword fight exchange. LARRY: Announcing Lord and Lady Capulet! President and CEO of

Capulet’s Cold Cuts! Pompous lordly music. LORD and LADY CAPULET enter. CAPULET SERVANTS bow. LORD CAPULET: What noise is this? Give me my long sword! And

some beef jerky! LADY CAPULET: A crutch a crutch! Why call you for a sword and

beef jerky? LARRY: Announcing Lord and Lady Montague! Lead singers of a

folk band! LORD and LADY MONTAGUE come on strumming banjos, a bit like the group Peter Paul and Mary, without Paul. MONTAGUE SERVANTS bow.

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LORD MONTAGUE: Thou villain, Capulet! Hold me not, wife, let me go!

LADY MONTAGUE: Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe! LORD MONTAGUE: Everybody rumble!!!! EVERYBODY: Yeah! TYBALT: Wait! WAIT! We can’t fight… BENVOLIO: That’s right! Good attitude, dude. TYBALT: …without the fight music! Turn on the fight music! GREGORY presses boom box and music from the movie Rocky or some other fight song begins. There is a big rumble, until a whistle is heard offstage. Everybody freezes mid-attack. TITUS: Announcing Prince Escalus, Captain of the Verona police

force! PRINCE ESCALUS marches on to Bad Boys, Bad Boys. PRINCE ESCALUS: Rebellious subjects! Enemies to the Peace!

You men, you beasts! The fighting between the Capulets and Montagues has gone too far! Why don’t you just sit down, drink tea, and talk out your differences? Hear my royal decree! If ever you disturb our streets again…your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace.

BALTHASAR: In plain English please. PRINCE ESCALUS: You blockhead! It means if any of you is caught

fighting, the sentence is death. (Makes menacing throat slash.) You all should be ashamed of yourselves! (Exits.)

LORD CAPULET: Butter my biscuits, the Prince means business! Don’t make us bite our tongue at you, again, Montagues!

CAPULETS: Yeah! LADY CAPULET: Thumb. LORD CAPULET: Don’t make us bite our thumb at you again

Montagues! CAPULETS: Yeah! LORD MONTAGUE: Don’t make me steal your pigs, Capulets! MONTAGUES: Huh?

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LORD MONTAGUE: And then set them free to roam and live amazing pig lives roaming and eating compost and not BEING TURNED INTO BACON!

CAPULETS: No! MONTAGUES: Yeah! Everybody exits making angry eyes and gestures at each other. MONTAGUE SERVANTS and BENVOLIO remain onstage recounting the rumble to each other. AMY APPLE and CAMERA PERSON rush on in the midst of a news broadcast. AMY APPLE: Late breaking news! Late breaking news! And it’s just

too fabulous for words! I’m Amy Apple- and this is “Fashion and Family Feuds!” Woo–I’m perspirating because the Montagues and Capulets are at this very moment fighting a rumble behind me! Let’s watch. (Turns around.) Hey, where’d they go?

BALTHASAR: The fight’s over, dude. ABRAM: Yeah reporter dude, you missed it. BENVOLIO: When you said LATE breaking news, you were right

dude! The MONTAGUES laugh. AMY APPLE: Oh! (Smiles at camera.) Fabulous. In that case, let’s

find out what we missed. You there, guy who doesn’t appear to have showered in weeks, can I talk to you? Great. What happened here?

BENVOLIO: That beast Tybalt started a rumble. ABRAM: We hate him! BALTHASAR: But we love peace, so we just watched. BENVOLIO, ABRAM and BALTHASAR: Peace and love. PRINCE ESCALUS stalks through, looking for trouble. AMY APPLE: Prince Escalus! Fabulous Prada billy-club, Prince!

How do you plan on stopping the violence in Verona?

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PRINCE ESCALUS: First of all, I plan on shouting at people a lot! I feel that yelling at people really gets the message across. Second, just to remind your viewers, I will sentence anyone who I catch fighting, to death! (Menacing throat slash gesture.)

AMY APPLE: Thank you for obliterating my eardrums and reminding us of that, Prince.

PRINCE ESCALUS: No problem! PRINCE exits as LORD and LADY CAPULET enter. The MONTAGUES quickly move to the side, playing hacky sack or something. AMY APPLE: Lord and Lady Capulet, care to comment on the feud

between your family and the Montagues? LORD CAPULET: Forget the feud fer a sec cause, my honey and I

are hosting a soiree, a pig roast, a party! LADY CAPULET: That’s right! My husband and I are hosting a

Capulet family ball tonight. It’s sure to be a smash! This night we hold an old accustom'd feast, whereto we have invited many a guest–

LORD CAPULET: Such as I love; and you, among the store, one more, most welcome, makes my number more. Oh and butter my biscuits, I almost forgot. It’s a mask party, so wear your snazziest mask, and we’ll see you there! Except, NO MONTAGUES ALLOWED!

They hand AMY APPLE an invitation and turn to go. AMY APPLE: Fabulous, tell me more! AMY APPLE follows the CAPULETS off. ROMEO enters moping. TITUS and HELGA enter, LARRY trails. TITUS: Hey, Helga, you know who that muscly beefcake is? HELGA: Oh Titus, look at his rock-solid abs. It must be Romeo

Montague. TITUS: Announcing Romeo Montague!

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A subdued wave from ROMEO. HELGA: Dat’s right, Titus. Romeo must have spent a long time in

the pump-atorium, because he is so jacked. Huh! LARRY: Actually, friends, Romeo is famous in Verona for his sense

of poetry, passion and intellect. NOT, his muscles. TITUS and HELGA: Shut it, Larry. LARRY: And Romeo is very sad, miserable even, because the love

of his life has rejected him. Many a morning hath he been seen, with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew.

A tear from ROMEO.

Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs. (A sigh.) TITUS pulls LARRY offstage as ROMEO is approached by BENVOLIO. BENVOLIO: Good-morrow, cousin. ROMEO: Ay me! Sad hours seem long. BENVOLIO: What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours? ROMEO: Not having that, which, having, makes them short. The

woman I love just dissed me big time. BENVOLIO: Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, should be so

tyrannous and rough in proof! What happened? ROMEO: Everything was going so great with my lady love,

Rosaline… TITUS and HELGA peak their heads in. TITUS and HELGA: Rosaline???? TITUS: What happened to Romeo and Julie– LARRY: Shh, watch and see. ROMEO: Everything was great with Rosaline, til she abruptly

dumped me. I tried everything to get her back, to woo her. HELGA peaks in with LARRY.

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HELGA: What does woo mean? LARRY: It means flirt! HELGA: (Secretly.) I wish Titus would woo me. HELGA and LARRY exit. BENVOLIO: What did you do? ROMEO: I read her sweet love poetry. Watch, I’ll show you in a

flashback. ROSALINE enters to music, something from BEYONCE perhaps. ROMEO: Rosaline, I wrote you a poem to express my love for thee. ROSALINE: Ok Snookums, that’s great. Make it snappy! ROMEO: (Clears throat, under pressure.) Your eyes are like…

(Searching.) dirty swimming pools, when my lips touch yours they (Lost again.) feel like thorns on a rose’s stem, your nose is as big as a softball, and your ears–

ROSALINE: Stop it! ROMEO: Yowzers! ROSALINE: Now get out of my way, I have better things to do. ROMEO: Don’t go my chocolate cupcake, please don’t. BENVOLIO: Ouch, dude. What did you do next? ROMEO: I tried dancing with her. ROMEO points to SAMPSON who plays a violin, or hums or something. ROMEO and ROSALINE start dancing. ROMEO clumsily steps on ROSALINE’S foot. ROSALINE: OWWW! I think my toe is broken! Doofus! TITUS and LARRY peak in. TITUS: What a total wuss. One time, a 400 pound dumbbell fell on

my toe and I didn’t cry. LARRY: Don’t interrupt. TITUS and LARRY exit

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ROMEO: I even tried wooing her with gifts. Rosaline, please accept,

as a token of my love, some black licorice. ROSALINE: I hate black licorice!!! ROMEO: Not the licorice! ROSALINE: Yes, now get out of my sight! ROMEO steps back.

Wait. ROMEO steps forward, elated.

I just wanted to confirm that you will be waiting for me so that at any moment in my life I can come back to you.

ROMEO: That doesn’t sound very fair. How about you like me now? ROSALINE: That’s not going to happen. I only want you as a

backup. If I have no one else to go to a dance with, I know that you’ll be able to go. You’ll be waiting. (Bats eyes.) Will that be all right?

ROMEO: Who else would you go to a dance with? ROSALINE: Oh, I don’t know, how about… She snaps her fingers. The song It’s Raining Men begins and every available man struts on and forms a line.

…hello, boys! MEN: Helloooo, Rosaline! ROSALINE: Romeo, if it doesn’t work out with… MEN: all the men go down the line quickly saying their name until… ROSALINE: If it doesn’t work out with (Lists their names, points to

several men in the audience and names them, too.) then you have permission to woo me again.

ROMEO: What do these dudes have that I don’t? ROSALINE: Well… All of the MEN flex. ROSALINE coughs at her men in the audience who maybe will flex, too.

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ROMEO: Oh. ROSALINE: Very well, Romeo, I’m done with you. You are free to

go. Tata. ROSALINE and the boys head off to It’s Raining Men. ROMEO: Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here. This is not Romeo,

he's some other where. HELGA enters. HELGA: Announcing, Mercutio, nephew to Prince Escalus and

distant cousin to John Travolta! ROMEO, BENVOLIO, ABRAM and BALTHASAR: Mercutio!!! HELGA is off. MERCUTIO struts onstage to Stayin’ Alive. MERCUTIO: Come, friends, we burn daylight. Romeo, let’s get you

to the Capulet party so you can disco it up! Freaky! Check out these moves! (Does some cool dance moves.)

ABRAM: Mercutio rocks! MERCUTIO: You know it, crazy cool cats, I live to give. It’s just good

to be alive, right? I wanna live forever! So Romeo, borrow Cupid's wings, and soar with them above a common bound.

ROMEO: Nah. MERCUTIO: Yo bro, what’s with the negative tude, dude? Gentle

Romeo, we must have you dance. BENVOLIO: Romeo is sick in love, adding to clouds more clouds

with his deep sighs. MERCUTIO: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, if love be rough with you, be rough

with love; what care I for love! ROMEO: But Mercutio, I dream'd a dream to-night. MERCUTIO: And so did I. ROMEO: What was yours? MERCUTIO: That dreamers often lie. ROMEO: But I have been dreaming of my sweet Rosaline.

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MERCUTIO: Dreams! Oh how I hate dreamers! I see Queen Mab hath been with you.

Snaps his fingers and spooky music begins.

She is the fairies midwife, queen of dreams and she comes athwart men’s noses, her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat, her whip of cricket’s bones and she comes to lawyers and they dream on–

SERVANTS: FEES! MERCUTIO: And she comes to lovers and they dream on– SERVANTS: KISSES! MERCUTIO: Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues! This is

she, this is she, this is– ROMEO: Peace, peace Mercutio, peace. Music scratches out.

Thou talk’st of nothing.

MERCUTIO: True, I talk of dreams. The stuff of nothing. Nothing. But. Air. (Breaks the somber mood.) So forget your dreams and don’t worry.

BENVOLIO: Don’t worry– ROMEO: (To himself.) I fear, for my mind misgives, some

consequence yet hanging in the stars that someone dear to me will face untimely death.

BENVOLIO: Be happy. ROMEO: All right, let’s do it! I’m in. To the party MERCUTIO: Masks on friends. Hands in the middle. Ready– All put their hands together. ALL: To the Party! BENVOLIO: Strike, drum! They exit the stage singing Don’t Worry, Be Happy. The PUMPED-UP CREW enters.

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TITUS: Does everybody know what time it is? It’s time to– TITUS, HELGA and LARRY: PUMP, (Clap.) you up! HELGA: By taking you to the Capulet Mask Ball! Everybody look

under your seat, if you’ve got a mask there, put it on now!!!! And get pumped! To the max!

THE BALL CAPULET SERVANTS are making preparations on the floor, including a red carpet. LORD and LADY CAPULET are on the side with PARIS. AMY APPLE and CAMERWOMAN rush on. AMY APPLE: Oh Fabulous, fabulous. The Capulet Red Carpet.

Here we have Lord and Lady Capulet talking to a fabulously wealthy and fabulously single young man named, Paris.

PARIS: But now, my Lord and Lady, what say you to my suit? LADY CAPULET: Ah Paris, the time has come, for you to woo my

daughter, and become my son. PARIS: Thank you, my lady. I consider myself the perfect match for

your Juliet. I can think of no man better suited to woo her, than me. Why, I am rich, brilliant and have above-average looks.

LORD CAPULET: Paris, that’s just what I like to hear from a future son-in-law. Confidence. But, young man, if she doesn’t love you, you won’t marry her, you hear? It’s the gal’s choice.

HELGA: What a nice dad. I wish my dad would let me marry who I choose. (Looks at TITUS longingly.)

LARRY: Lord Capulet is nice now, but he’ll sing a different tune later. PARIS: Oh dear, I must confess, I have never woo-ed a lady before.

They always woo me. I have mastered academic skills, but I am an apprentice at love. How shall I woo her?

LADY CAPULET: With sweet confections and a heart that stirs. Make your intentions known to her.

PARIS: I’m listening. LORD CAPULET: Bring her candy and tell her you like her. PARIS: Lord and Lady, if you approve of me, and how couldn’t you,

why wouldn’t you, than I will win your daughter’s hand in marriage. LORD/LADY CAPULET: We approve!

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They move off as JULIET, having overheard, gasps in Disapproval. AMY APPLE spots JULIET. AMY APPLE: Oh, this is too fab-o. This is the lady we have all been

waiting to see, Juliet Capulet! NURSE: Ahem. AMY APPLE: And her Nurse! HELGA: Like a hospital nurse? LARRY: More like a nanny. JULIET: Did you hear that Nurse?! Paris and my dad making plans

for my marriage! NURSE: That I did-eh, my Juliet-eh. It was-ah, like a cold bowl of

pasta rigatoni on a hot summer day. JULIET: But Nurse, my much older and only friend, it is a blessing I

dream not of. NURSE: Oh Signorina, if I were not thine only nurse, I would say

thou hadst suck’d all the wisdom from thy teat! JULIET: Gross. Listen, I’ll look to like, if looking liking move– NURSE: Buono, buono! JULIET: But vain Paris seeks me for his love. And he’s the worst. NURSE: A man, young lady! Lady, such a man as all the world--

why, he's a man of wax. JULIET: As boring as wax. NURSE: Speak briefly, can you like of Paris' love? JULIET: I'll look to like, if looking liking move. NURSE: That’s-a more like it. They move to side. ROSALINE struts on followed by MEN, if available, if not, she can make eyes at her men in the audience. AMY APPLE: Oh, this is just too much! It’s Miss Rosaline, Romeo

Montague’s ex-girlfriend, and her fair suitors! Rosaline, is there truth to the rumor that you’re on the outs with Rrrrrrromeo?

ROSALINE: Who invited the paparazzi to this party? Out of my way, lady.

AMY APPLE: But Miss Rosaline, you were seen putting “the moves” on another man. C’mon dish, sister.

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ROSALINE: Moves? You wanna see moves? Check this out. She snaps and music begins. ROSALINE and her MEN complete an impressive dance sequence that they’ve clearly had prepared for a while. ROSALINE: And you can quote me! PRINCE ESCALUS enters and people move to avoid him. AMY APPLE: And here’s Prince Escalus, looking scary and

unfashionable. PRINCE ESCALUS: It’s okay, people. I’m off-duty. BUT NO

FIGHTING! Paris lad, come over here. I’ve heard YOU’RE AFTER MISS JULIET!

PARIS: Keep it down, jeeze. PRINCE ESCALUS: How will you win her heart? PARIS: Well, what if I tell her about my spelling bee trophy from the

third grade. Will that "woo" her? PRINCE ESCALUS: Doubtful. Just don’t be yourself. Others wander through, TYBALT is now seen. AMY APPLE: Oh, Tybalt, you look smashing! Do you plan on,

smashing, anyone tonight? Hah-hah! TYBALT: MIGHTY Tybalt to you. JULIET runs over to greet her favorite cousin. JULIET: Hi Cuzzie Tybalt! TYBALT: That’s Mighty Cuzzie Tybalt! JULIET: Nice mask, cuz. TYBALT: Thank you, I slayed the lion myself. Others enter including ROMEO, BENVOLIO and MERCUTIO, all in mask.

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AMY APPLE: And here we have some more fabulous guests. It’s–It’s–ummm, what’s your name?

ROMEO: Uhhh, Roooo, Roberto. And these are my friends– BENVOLIO: Benvamin. MERCUTIO: Cermutio. AMY APPLE: Never heard of you. Fabulous. Moving away from the

unrecognizable no-name peasant. (Quite obviously moves away.) ROMEO: I look ridiculous. This party is terrible. MERCUTIO: Come Romeo, we must have you dance! ROMEO: Not I. You have dancing shoes with nimble soles but I

have a soul of lead. BENVOLIO: Lead? Heavy. You worry too much Romeo. Deep

down inside these Capulets are peace-loving, generous, good people just like–EWWWW! Look at all that meat!

CAPULET SERVANTS have moved through with trays.

These people are cretins! MERCUTIO: Chill out guys, we've got to find Rosaline and convince

her to take back our man. ROMEO: Who– MERCUTIO: You know, Rosaline. ROMEO: is that? ROMEO’S tongue falls out of his open mouth as he points at JULIET who is yawning, trying to stay awake, while talking to PARIS. PARIS: So then I was like, no silly PI is 3.141848040220– JULIET sees ROMEO and glides towards him, away from PARIS, who keeps on talking, love music begins and other guests go in slow-motion.

5850202910… JULIET: Hey, I’m Juliet. ROMEO: I Romeo am, it's meet to good you. I mean, it's good to

meet you, I mean it's good that you have so much meat.

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MERCUTIO: What he means is (Reads nice copy of Romeo and Juliet.) “His lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”

ROMEO: Yeah, what he said. Kiss you, me do? JULIET: Yes. Their “kiss” is hidden by MERCUTIO holding up his book.

You kiss by the book. NURSE busts through. NURSE: Scusami! Un momento! Get your dirty paws off of my

Juliet. ROMEO: But I– NURSE: Her Mother is the Lady of the house, sir. To JULIET, as ROMEO has mistakenly taken his mask off and NURSE recognizes him.

He is a Montague, the vegetarian enemy of your meat-loving family. You must never see him again.

JULIET: My only love sprung from my only hate! But he’s really cute!

TYBALT stomps over. TYBALT: Romeo Montague?! This is a Capulet only party. And now

I’m going to… Audience gasps.

…challenge you to a dance off.

Bigger gasp.

Whoever loses, leaves. ROMEO: Come on then Tyblit.

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MERCUTIO: It’s a dance off folks! ROMEO: Do the Funky Chicken, Tyblit. TYBALT: It's Tybalt! The Mighty Tybalt! And you will never beat my

groove moves, Romeo. Check out this, Michael Jackson’s moonwalk.

SAMPSON: You just got served, Montague! ROMEO: That's pretty good Giblet, but not good enough. Your

moonwalk is no match for my Gangnam style. BENVOLIO: This is getting out of hand! GREGORY: Somebody’s gonna get hurt! TYBALT: How bout your peeps, Romeo? Can they move like this? MERCUTIO: Oh, now it’s on! MONTAGUES dance against CAPULETS, perhaps to the Ball music from West Side Story. Finally, everyone exits exhausted, as night falls. The PUMPED-UP CREW enter. TITUS: That really pumped (Clap.) me up, Larry. LARRY: This is even better. Juliet, aglow in moonlight on her

balcony, gazing at stars, dreaming, yearning, for Romeo. HELGA: That’s a balcony? [*It is an upper level of some sort. Can

be as simple as a cube. Line may be cut if director is proud of balcony.]

LARRY: Use your imagination! Juliet blesses the world with one of the most famous speeches in all of literature.

THE BALCONY JULIET: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy

father and refuse thy name. Also, deny thy salad and savor our steak. But if thou will not, then I will deny the lamb and beef and mutton by which I have lived. I'll even deny the filet mignon.

ROMEO: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

ROMEO whistles. JULIET spots him.

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JULIET: Oh honey bunny! If only you weren't a Montague, and a vegetarian, ewww.

ROMEO: I'm not a Montague, if you don't want me to be one, sweetie pie. I want to give you the stars and the moon!

JULIET: And I you! My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.

ROMEO: O, that I were a glove upon your hand that I may touch your cheek!

JULIET: O, gentle Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully. ROMEO: Oh Juliet, I can tell you I love you in a thousand different

ways. Listen: COMPANY MEMBERS come in and pronounce love lines they have written. JULIET: Not bad. ROMEO: Marry me babe. NURSE: (Calling from offstage.) What, Juliet!!! What, ladybird! JULIET: One moment Nurse! I would marry you, but my parents– ROMEO: We’ll keep our love a secret. Nobody has to know. Maybe

it will even bring our families together. End the feud. NURSE: (Calling from offstage.) What, Juliet! JULIET: You could be on to something, pumpkin. I’ll marry you! ROMEO: Yess!! Score one for the R-Miester! I know a guy, Friar

Lawrence, who’ll make it happen. C’mon! JULIET “climbs” down balcony to ROMEO. They flee. NURSE enters. NURSE: Juliet? Where’d she go? Ay! You out there! Where’d she

go? Someone tells her.

Grazie. A Nurse’s work is never done. NURSE exits, while the PUMPED-UP CREW enters.

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TITUS: With Nurse on their heels, off they went to see the Friar.

Does he ‘fry’ people? Like da terminator? LARRY: The Friar is like a religious guy. He runs a church HELGA: Also the guy you go to for advice, like a therapist. TITUS: So, if there was someone me, Titus, wanted to marry, I could

go to the Friar. HELGA: Yeah, you could, They stare fondly at each other. LARRY: Snap out of it. TITUS and HELGA: Shut it, Larry. FRIAR enters counseling TYBALT.

FRIAR LAWRENCE’S CHAMBER FRIAR: Tybalt, you’re letting your temper get the best of you.

Tybalt–baby, settle down. You’re aggro-masculinity is aggravating me. You can’t stab the guy just because he wears white after Labor Day. Even if he is a Montague. Find another way to work out your anger.

TYBALT: With a meat-heavy diet and a daily protein shake, I can rebuild the moral fabric of this country. And, I’ll kill that Romeo for invading Carnivore turf. Time’s up, doc! (Storms off.)

FRIAR: That didn’t go well. I wouldn’t want to be Romeo Montague. Next!

NURSE rushes on. NURSE: Buon Giorno Friaririno. Have you seen my Juliet-o? She’s

run off with Romeo, I think to come here-o. FRIAR: Not yet, but let’s talk about how that makes you feel. He exits with NURSE, consoling her. ROMEO and JULIET enter.

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ROMEO: Juliet, my lady love, this is it. JULIET: Romeo, my manly love, we have to hurry. My Nurse is

hunting for us. I’m sure of it. She’s very persistent. For an old lady. Old folks, many feign as they were dead, unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead.

FRIAR enters with the NURSE, aside. FRIAR: Quick, throw this fortune-teller disguise on. NURSE: Why? FRIAR: Try to talk some astrological sense into them. Romeo’s

obsessed with destiny and fate. ROMEO: Good morrow Father! NURSE tosses on cloak and adopts a pose. FRIAR: Romeo! What early tongue so sweet saluteth me? Young

son, it argues a distemper'd head, so soon to bid good morrow to thy bed.

ROMEO: I have been feasting with mine enemy, where on a sudden one hath wounded me, that's by me wounded. Both our remedies, within thy help and holy physic lies.

JULIET: Father, I am the daughter of Lord Capulet, the Cold Cut Baron. My love is set on Romeo and his on me.

FRIAR: Holy Saint Francis, what a change is here! But your families–

JULIET: But this alliance may so happy prove to turn our household’s rancor into pure love.

ROMEO: Will you marry us in secret? Right now. FRIAR: What about the fair Rosaline? JULIET: Who’s Rosaline, huh?!?! ROMEO: Never mind her. Friar, will you? FRIAR: I will, but first– NURSE: Would you like to have your palms read? ROMEO: Oh, yes! What do you see? (Holds out hand.) NURSE: Come close boy, closer. NURSE whispers something in ROMEO’S ear.

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Thank you for reading this free excerpt from ROMEO AND JULIET, TO THE MAX! by Tim Brownell. For performance rights and/or a complete

copy of the script, please contact us at:

Brooklyn Publishers, LLC P.O. Box 248 • Cedar Rapids, Iowa 52406

Toll Free: 1-888-473-8521 • Fax (319) 368-8011 www .brookpub.com

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