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Chapter 5: Writing the intro, the golden rules

In Chapter 4: Writing the Intro in simple steps you learned what qualities made agood intro, the importance of newsworthiness and of answering the questionsWho? What? Where? When? Why? and How? (WWWWW & H) ­ but not all in theintro!. You also took the first steps in actually writing an intro from raw informationto the finished short, crisp sentence based on the news angle.

In this chapter, the second part of intro writing, we discuss some golden rules tohelp you write the best intro possible.

KISS

As we have mentioned in Chapter 4, all news stories must answer the questions Who? What?Where? When? Why? and How? Each of these questions may have several parts, dependingupon the nature and complexity of the story.

Do not try to answer them all in the intro. You will only confuse your reader or listener. Stickto one or two key points per sentence, especially in the intro.

Remember the golden rule is KISS ­ Keep It Short and Simple.

You will overload your sentence and make instant understanding difficult if you includeunnecessary details which can be explained more fully later in the story.

Your intro is like a canoe being paddled against a fast flowing current. Every word in thesentence should be like a rower with a paddle, helping to push the sentence forward. Thereis no room for lazy words sitting back without paddles in their hands. They just make workharder for the rest of the words. So look closely at every word and ask yourself: "Does ithave a paddle in its hand?" If it doesn't, throw it overboard!

Some of the fattest and laziest words to be found in the intro canoes are titles.Inexperienced journalists often think that they have to put full titles in the intro when, infact, they belong later in the story. Try to shorten titles for your intros wherever possible.

In the following example, you will see that a general description of the person in the intro,followed by the full name and title in the second paragraph, works much better:

Index of Chapter 5

1. KISS2. Active voice3. Facts first4. Up­to­date5. No quotes6. Checklist7. To summarise

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RIGHT: A Port Moresby union leader yesterdaycondemned politicians who try tointerfere in labour disputes.

Mr Mug Wump, president of the PortMoresby Waterside Workers' Union,said...

WRONG:Mr Mug Wump, president of the PortMoresby Waterside Workers' Union,yesterday condemned politicians whotry to interfere in labour disputes.

RIGHT:Copra growers have demanded a newsubsidy scheme.

RIGHT:Angry villagers attacked threeJapanese tourists in Western Provinceyesterday.

WRONG:A new copra subsidy scheme has beendemanded by growers.

WRONG:Three Japanese tourists were attackedby angry villagers in Western Provinceyesterday.

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Active voice

Use the active voice wherever possible. An active voice sentence uses the simplegrammatical structure of subject­verb­object.

The sentence "the man hit the table" is in the active voice, where the table is the object ofthe verb "hit". The sentence "the table was hit by the man" is in the passive voice. As youcan see, the first sentence is not only shorter, but it is far simpler and easier to understand.This is especially important when your reader or listener speaks English as a second or thirdlanguage.

The following examples will demonstrate this rule:

The main exception to this rule is when the object of the sentence is much more newsworthythan the subject. For example:

RIGHT:The Prime Minister was attacked byangry villagers in Western Provinceyesterday.

WRONG:Angry villagers attacked the PrimeMinister in Western Provinceyesterday.

Note that we used the passive voice in the final intro version of our cyclone story. This wasbecause the victims ­ the six dead and more than 100 homeless ­ were more important thanthe cyclone itself. Remember, news is about people. We could have written it in the activevoice, putting the cyclone as the subject of the sentence:

Cyclone Victor left six people dead and more than 100 homeless when it hitthe Solomon Islands yesterday.

However, this delays the big news until the middle of the intro, instead of putting it at thevery beginning.

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Facts First

Don't think that, because an important person says something important, his name shouldcome first. Let the facts come first in the intro.

Remember to ask yourself: "How does this affect my readers' or listeners' lives?" Theanswer to that question is the heart of the news story, not the name or title of the personwho made the announcement.

You will see in the following example how the full name and titles in the wrong version of theintro makes it overloaded with detail, and hard to understand:

RIGHT:Two overseas companies will negotiatewith the Government to develop theimportant Vanimo timber area.

The Forests Minister, Mr Jacob Diwai, saidyesterday that various submissions bydifferent companies had been consideredby the National Executive Council.

It had been decided that two of themwould be invited individually to negotiateterms for an agreement to develop theresource, he said.

WRONG:The Minister for Forests, Mr Jacob Diwai,announced that a special meeting of theNational Executive Council held yesterdayto consider various submissions bydifferent companies for the developmentof the Vanimo timber area, had decidedthat two overseas companies would beinvited individually to negotiate terms foran agreement to develop the resource.

Always begin your intro with your most newsworthy key point, even though you may includeanother key point in the intro, in what is called a subordinate clause. You will recognisesubordinate clauses as they usually begin with words like "while...", "as...", "although..." and

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"despite...".

RIGHT:Thieves broke into the Prime Minister'sofficial residence last night, while he wasattending a concert.

WRONG:While the Prime Minister was attending aconcert last night, thieves broke into hisofficial residence.

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Up­to­date

Keep the story fresh. Remember that one of our four criteria for news is "Is it new?" Oneway in which the reader judges the newness or otherwise of a sentence is in the verb tense.Wherever possible use the present or future tense in your intro.

In the following example, we focus on the real news, which is in the future ­ the visit ofPrince Charles ­ rather than on the announcement, which happened last night:

RIGHT:Prince Charles will visit Tuvalu in August.

WRONG:It was announced in Funafuti last nightthat Prince Charles would visit Tuvalu inAugust

This also allows us to use the simple future tense "will" instead of the rather complicated"would".

In the next example, we use the present tense "is" rather than the past tense "was".Although the announcement was made last night, what was said is still true today ­ suchthings do not change overnight:

RIGHT:The Solomon Islands is on the verge ofbankruptcy, the Finance Minister said lastnight.

WRONG:The Solomon Islands was on the verge ofbankruptcy, the Finance Minister said lastnight.

No quotes

Do not begin a news story with quotes. The value of the quote is dependent entirely on thespeaker. For that reason, it is important to know who is speaking before we know what issaid.

It really comes down to this: If someone is expressing an opinion (and most quotes areexpressions of opinion), then the name of the opinion­expresser should come first, so thatreaders and listeners can make their own assessment of the opinion. If, on the other hand,the speaker is dealing in facts or revealing something so far unrevealed, let the facts speakfirst.

In the following example, we can take it as a fact that income tax will rise. The FinanceMinister says so, and he is the one who decides such things. (Of course, politicians do notalways deliver everything they promise; but if they promise something unpleasant, you maybe sure that they are not doing it to win votes, so we can believe that it is true.

RIGHT:Income tax is to rise by seven percent inJanuary.

WRONG:"Income tax will rise by seven percentwhen I present my budget in January,"said the Finance Minister, Ms BernadetteKina, at a meeting in Lae yesterday.

In the next example, we take the content of what has been said, and present that as fact.The full quote is rather long, but we should be able to use it later in the story.

The fact that this will be the first school swimming pool on the island is not included in thequote ­ this is a case where journalists must set the news in context by applying their ownbackground knowledge.

RIGHT:Work on Espiritu Santo's first schoolswimming pool will start next year ifgovernment grants can be obtained.

WRONG:"If the primary school gets suitablefinancial help from the Government, Iconfidently expect that next year will seethe start of work on a new swimming poolhere," the chairman of Luganville PrimarySchool said yesterday.

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Check­list

Once you have written your intro, you should read it again carefully, asking yourself thefollowing questions:

1. Is it the most newsworthy key point in the story?2. Is it short and simple? If it is more than 20 words, try to cut it down. Cut outrepetition and other unnecessary words. Remember the lazy passengers in thatcanoe.

3. Is it written in the active voice? If not, should you rewrite it in the active voice?4. Have you put the facts first in the sentence?

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5. Is it up­to­date? Are your verbs in the correct tense?6. Have you avoided quotes? If you have started with a quote, can you rewrite it inreported speech?

It is very rare for a journalist to get exactly the right intro on the first attempt, even afteryears of experience. Some intros have to be rewritten several times before they achieve thecorrect length, balance and clarity.

Never be satisfied with your first attempt, however good. Always ask: "Can it be better?"

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TO SUMMARISE:

The intro should be

1. newsworthy2. 20 words or less3. attractive to the reader4. appropriate in style

When writing your intro:

List the key points and put them in order of importance.

KISS: Keep It Short and Simple.

Use the active voice.

Put the facts first.

Don't use quotes in the intro.

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NOTE: Now you should practise writing as many intros as often as you can. To get youstarted, try this exercise on Writing the Intro.

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