NAME:

Play, encouragement and listening

SESSION

3

Kids Matter is based on The Parenting Children Course Copyright Alpha International.

Copyright Kids Matter 2015 | Stewardship No. 20190575 | Registered Charity in England & Wales: 1163617

SAMPLE

2

Review of Session 2

Last week we covered five ways of showing love. These ways are: kind words, special time, affectionate touch, thoughtful presents and helpful actions; we also talked about how important it is to be kind to ourselves, and understand ourselves in order to love our children well.

Today we are going to look at Play, encouragement and listening.

Why do our children play?

Playing with us and others will help our child/children to: • Develop social skills, helping them learn to get along with others • Practise their language skills• Develop co-ordination and balance• Learn about winning, losing, taking turns, sharing and empathy• Use their imagination• Understand their feelings better• Use their physical energy in a positive way• Strengthen the bond between us and them – laughter is good for reducing stress, for and bonding

us together

SO IT’S NEVER “JUST PLAYING!”

The topics we will cover overthe six weeks are:

Session 1: Building a strong familySession 2: Loving our children wellSession 3: Play, encouragement and listeningSession 4: Routines and rewardsSession 5: Family rules and consequencesSession 6: The bigger picture

SAMPLE

3

What gets in the way of playing with our children?

E.g. Busyness, fear, feeling self-conscious, stressed and preoccupied, boring, don’t see the point, our mobiles/devices, worn out from managing our children.It can feel easier to give our children a screen (phone, ipad, laptop…) to entertain them, instead of playing with them ourselves.

1 hour a day of ‘screen time’ is enough for children under 10; our challenge as parents is to make the best use of it when we need it, rather than having it on all the time. This is not to make us feel guilty but to help us think about ways we might be more careful/intentional in our parenting.

How do I think my family might benefit from limiting screen time?

Research shows that 80% of children who play violent video games display more aggression.

Too much screen time decreases self-esteem and reduces happiness in children's lives. Children who watch TV over 3 hours a day on average drop 2 GCSE grades.

Some benefits of limiting screen time: • More social interaction in the family• More exercise• Less aggression• Fewer nightmares and better sleep• Better concentration and attention span• Screen time can be used as a reward/incentive/treat • Fewer demands for expensive or unhealthy products suggested

by advertising• Improved social skills

Ending well:• Giving our child/ren a time frame helps them to end screen time when we ask them to, e.g. 'In five

minutes', 'at the end of this episode', 'when this round is over.'• Sitting with our children for the last few minutes, and watching with them, can help bridge the gap

back into the 'real world'• Suggesting an alternative activity, e.g. Playing a game or going to the park, can distract them if they

are feeling frustrated about having to end screen time.

SAMPLE

4

Some guidelines on how to play

Some ideas about how to play include:

• Try to play with them regularly - little and often• Follow our child’s lead when possible• Take it in turns to choose the activity• Don’t rush them or do it for them• Keep it light and friendly (watch our own competitiveness!)• Pay attention to how it’s going: if they seem bored, tired or upset, then stop!

NB: Some children get very upset when the game/activity doesn't work. Try to reflect that to them, e.g. 'You were working so hard on that, and now you are upset because it broke.'

Some games to play with our children

• Play with their favourite toy with them • Build a den with blankets• Pizza and movie night• Pamper session: paint each others’ nails or

plait hair• Look at old photos• Make cards to send to someone• Dressing up• Cards, board games and puzzles• Read a story in the dark with a torch• Bake together and eat• Go to the playground/cafe/library• Pillow fight• Jump on the bed• Make a list of favourite animals• ‘Would you rather..’• Family disco: turn the lights off and flash a

torch and play music• Go to the park, play football or frisbee• Climb trees

• Play charades• Colour/draw/paint/playdough• Play with toy bricks, cars, soldiers, dolls• Cook a new recipe together• Make or mend something together• Go for a picnic• Sing songs and dance• Create homemade musical instruments with

pots and pans• Make a collage• Make puppets and put on a puppet show• Listen to a story or CD• Draw your family tree together• Gather leaves and flowers and press them

in a book• Feed the ducks• Tidy up/clean together to music• Plant some seeds in a cup• Make up stories with toys

This week on I am going to ask my children what they want to play and then have a go together.

Remember: For children, love is spelled T-I-M-E! so involving them in any activity with us will remind them they are loved.

SAMPLE

5

Encouragement and praise

Encouragement and praise are also really important for our children.

Negative words have a big impact.

Think of positive words as fuel that has the power to help our children grow; when we encourage and praise our children, it helps them to become more confident, caring and independant. It is helpful for us to be specific in what we are praising and encouraging, so that our children know what it is they are doing well, and so they can do more of it.

Some ways to praise and encourage:

Remember the 5:1 ratio:Give 5 positive, encouraging words to every 1 negative statement. This boosts children's self esteem and confidence, and builds a stronger relationship with you.• Give kind words with smiles, eye contact and hugs • Show enthusiasm• Praise immediately, when we notice positive behaviour• Tell our child when we notice them doing something new or

difficult or desirable: E.g. Showing independence or patience or kindness: “I was so proud of you for sharing your new toy”, or “well done, you put your socks on by yourself!”

• Show appreciation for things they do: “Thank you for helping me tidy your toys away, now we can get out to the park quicker!”

• Focus on effort not achievement: “I can see you’ve really tried with your handwriting, it’s really improving”

• Be as specific as possible: “I really like the yellow in your drawing”• Model ‘self praise’ – it is important to let our children hear us speaking positively about ourselves too• Increase the positive and reduce the negative.

Three positive things my children have done this week are:

Children need to hear encouragement to be confident.

2

1

3

Think about building a positive atmosphere at home of encouragement and positive thinking for the whole family. At meal times or bedtime, ask everyone to think of three things that have gone well today (including yourself!), and tell each other about them.

SAMPLE

6

Communication and listening

Listening to our children shows that we value what they have to say and that we are interested in who they are and what is unique about them. This increases their self-confidence and trust in us. If they know we will listen to the little things they have to say, they are more likely to tell us about the big things later on.

How we listen is important: If we tell our children we are listening whilst doing chores or looking at our phones, they will not count this as listening!

Some guidelines on how to listen: It is our job as parents to try and understand our children, and to look past their behaviour to understand their emotions. Some ways to do this are:• Give them eye contact and turn your body towards them• Put your phone down • Ask them about their day using open questions, instead of ‘yes/no’ questions• Allow them to express their views and feelings • Listen uncritically, without telling them off• Acknowledge what they are saying without solving the problem• Acknowledge their feelings; our children will open up to us more if they feel that we understand

them• Reflect back the child’s words• Give them vocabulary to express their feelings '‘it sounds like you felt really angry.”• Try not to lecture/correct/teach at this point (we can do so later if necessary!); instead, say '‘oh’' or "I see".

SAMPLE

7

One thing I have found particularly helpful today is:

Summing up….

We have talked today about play and encouragement, and good and bad ways of listening.

This week I am going to try:

This week I will show my child I am listening to them by:

SAMPLE

8

Let's Play!

ENCOURAGEMENT AND PRAISE

Really listen...• Give my kids eye contact and turn towards them

• Put my phone down

• Allow them to express their views and feelings

• Name the feeling! “It sounds like you felt really frustrated/

sad/worried”• Use "oh" or "I see" or "uh-huh" or "how about that" to encourage

them to talk• Try not to jump in with advice

Play will help my children....

• Build closeness with me

• Improve their language

• Learn about winning and losing

• Use their imagination

• Understand their feelings better

• Learn to share and take turns

How to play:

• Follow my child’s lead when possible

• Pick something I would also like to do

• Don’t rush them or do it for them

• Keep it light and friendly

...Remember to have fun!

Increase the positive and reduce

the negative words!Praise is like water, it helps a child grow

Tell them exactly what I am pleased about....

“Thank you for helping me with the washing up”

“Well done for waiting for me”

“That was kind of you to share your toy”

SAMPLE