samurai drunk - pilot episode - shooting script - 07-16-2013

8/10/2019 Samurai Drunk - Pilot Episode - Shooting Script - 07-16-2013

1/27

Samurai Drunk: Pilot Episode


2/27

1 EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY 1

OVER THE SHOULDER OF SMALL CROWD

MIME bows after finishing a riveting performance. The crowddisperses - most leave money in his hat on the ground.

Every movement exaggerated Mime sits down to a tin lunch boxand retrieves a BOTTLE OF WATER and SANDWICH. Mime takes abite of his sandwich as JASPER (a homeless man) approaches.Mime smiles and takes his second bite. Jasper continues.Mime begins choking violently. Jasper turns around andbegins watching. He claps as panic sweeps Mimes face. Mimecrawls toward Jasper, reaching out as he death rattles.

ZOOM IN: MIMES FACE - EX.CU. ON EYES

Montage: A Mimes Lifeo Mime as baby with mime mom

o 10-years old playing pantomime catch with mime dado Teen Mime at promo Adult Mime blowing out candles in an office break room

BACK TO: EX.CU. ON EYES

Eyes are now "X"s.

SMASH CUT: WIDE SHOT OF SCENE

Jasper is still applauding.

SUPER: TITLE SEQUENCE

MUSIC UNDER: Titus Andronicus by Titus Andronicus

EXT. PARK BENCH - CONTINUOUS

Jasper realizes this is not an act. He looks around. Hecasually takes the money from Mimes hat and walks away. Hestops for a moment and then comes back to take the sandwich.Jasper walks away.

SUPER: TITLE CARD

2 INT. FRANCIS & TERESAS TABLE - NIGHT 2

Two well-to-do Highland Park women (probably already tipsy),FRANCIS and TERESA, are being seated by a host.

FRANCISThis place is... quaint.

(CONTINUED)


3/27

CONTINUED: 2.

TERESAYeah, its really cute, but like ina sneaky ugly way.

FRANCISLike a... pug restaurant.

TERESAYes!

STEPHEN (waiter) approaches with menus wearing a neatlypressed white shirt, black vest, and a long black apron.

STEPHEN(hands out menus)

Hello ladies, welcome. Can I startyou off with a cocktail or a bottleof wine?

TERESAOh wine! Youre bad.

FRANCISWe should say no. No, we shouldnt.

STEPHEN(smiling)

We have a wide selection of redsand whites. Our house chardonnayis-

TERESA

Quick q: do you have a Pinotmerlot?

FRANCISOh, that sounds fastidious.

Teresa and Stephen are unsure what that word means.

FRANCIS (contd)Like fancy!

STEPHENIt does sound fancy, but Im afraidwe dont have "Pinotmerlot," Imsorry. We do have Ecco Domoni PinotGrigio and a Blackstone Merlot.

FRANCISPerfect, well take a bottle.

(CONTINUED)


4/27

CONTINUED: 3.

TERESAYou are so bad.

STEPHENA bottle of which?

TERESAPeen-o. Mur-low.

STEPHENYes, but-

FRANCIS(gesturing, in a Frenchaccent)

Peen-o. Mah-low.

STEVEPinotmerlot isnt a thing.

FRANCISCan you mix them?

TERESACant you mix them?

FRANCISYou have a bar.

TERESAYou wont do that for us?

STEPHENYou mean the two wines?

FRANCISNo, the whites and coloreds. Whatis this the 60s?

STEPHENIll just grab a bottle of each.

FRANCISOf each? Despite what she (pointsat Teresa, teasing) may look like,we are not alcoholics.

TERESAYou bitch.

FRANCISJust one bottle.

(CONTINUED)


5/27

CONTINUED: 4.

STEPHENOk.

Teresa tilts her head and glares.

TERESA

Halfsies?

FRANCISHalfsies!

FRANCISHalfsies!

TERESAHalfsies!

Stephen is so ready to leave.

STEPHENOk then, Ill be right back.

Stephen walks away as Teresa leans toward Francis.

TERESAGod! What a nightmare!

FRANCISSeriously! He probably drinks "curslight."

FRANCISCurs / Curs

TERESACurs / Curs

TERESASo uncivilized.

FRANCISNeanderthals.

TERESAOMG the universe! You reminded meof something I read. Did you knowthat 1/3 of humans have eensy bitsof neanderthal DNA in their HUMANDNA?

FRANCISLike, halfsies?

TERESAYeah, but like... thirdsies.

(CONTINUED)


6/27

CONTINUED: 5.

FRANCIS(gestures)

I bet that guy does. Look at hishuge brow ridge!

TERESA

Curs for sure.

FRANCISCurs / Curs

TERESACurs / Curs

FOLLOW STEPHEN TO NEXT TABLE.

3 INT. FRANK AND TREYS TABLE - CONTINUOUS 3

FRANK and TREY (good ole boys) sit at a nearby table placingtheir drink order with STEPHEN (waiter).

FRANKCurs light. And a spit cup.

TREYYou got the beast on draw?

STEPHENThe "beets"?

TREYThe beast. Milwakuees Best!

STEPHENNo, weve got Bud, Bud Light,Miller Light, and Coors Light -those are our only domestics on(hesitates) draw.

TREYWell fuck a duck. Bud "heavy" then.

STEPHENBud what?

TREYBuh-uhd-why-are-you-so-stupid-zur.Heavy. Opposite of light? And aspit cup.

STEPHENPints or schooners?

(CONTINUED)


7/27

CONTINUED: 6.

FRANKWhat the fuck is a schooner?

STEPHENShort or tall?

TREYWhatd we look like? There are mensitting here. Give us the big ones.

STEPHENAlrighty. Ill have that right out.

Begin the "Bet he..." game.

FOLLOW STEPHEN TO BAR

4 INT. BAR - CONTINUOUS 4

Stephen walks to the bar to put the orders into the POS asthe BARTENDER mixes red and white wine. BUSSER takes thetrash from the bar into the kitchen.

5 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 5

BUSSER walks past TOYA and MARIK, through the back door tothe dumpster.

6 EXT. BACK DOOR / ALLEY - SAME 6

Busser approaches the dumpster and throws the trash over thetop. Jasper walks out from behind the dumpster and scaresthe shit out him.

BUSSERFuck! Get outta here! Fuckinvagrants.

Jasper collects himself, clearly hurt. He walks out of thealley and around the corner.

7 EXT. SIDE OF ST. PETES - CONTINUOUS 7

Jasper stumbles into a couple (APATHETIC MAN and APATHETICWOMAN) going the opposite direction.

JASPERExcuse me friend, I done ran outtagas and Im to get to Weatherford

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)


8/27

CONTINUED: 7.

JASPER (contd)to my only sons eighth birthdayparty.

The COUPLE #1 continues to walk, not making eye contact.Jasper turns in their direction

JASPERCould you spare a few bucks so Ican make it his party?

Jasper freezes.

JASPERWell god bless you anyhow.

Jasper turns around and continues walking the other way.

JASPER

(mumbling)Fuckin dirt bag rich ass goffed upshit storm sons of bitches dontgot no time for god damn Navy vetwho saw some crazy fucked up shitand then go home and keep up withthe ass wipe ass rich ass bitch assKardashianbullshit...(indistinguishable)

8 EXT. FRONT OF ST. PETES - SAME 8

Jasper walks past St. Petes. GENTLEMEN ROBBER, with tophat, walks hurriedly toward Jasper.

JASPERHey buddy, ya got any spare change?

GENTLEMAN ROBBERNo, but you do!

Mid-stride Gentlemen Robber reaches behind Jaspers ear andpulls out a giant coin and holds it in his face proudly.

GENTLEMAN ROBBER (contd)Ask and ye shall receive!

Gentlemen Robber continues walking past, laughing. He nevergives him the coin.


9/27

8.


Gentlemen Robber trots down the street spinning his cane. Ashe passes a woman he pulls a bouquet of flowers from hissleeve and hands it to her, bowing.

He continues on.

10 EXT. OUTSIDE OF ST. PETES - CONTINUOUS 10

Jasper is bummed. He walks in the opposite direction ofMagician as PHILLIP (well-dress) approaches.

JASPERPardon me sir. Im going to beflat-out with you man, cuz you looklike an honest man. Man, Im downon my luck and I just need a few

dollars, something, so I can get ahold of a burger down the street.Can you-

PHILIPThats horrible. Sure. Of course Ican help you out.

Philip reaches into his wallet and takes out a $20 bill.

PHILIPIm always willing to help abeggar.

Philip hands Jasper the twenty.

JASPERGod bless ya sir. You just made myday. Im gonna eat good tonightthanks to you sir. Its been a goodfew months since I had a meal likethis.

PHILIPThats so awful! You know whatbeggar, save that twenty for arainy day, Ill take you into thisrestaurant and buy you and I ameal? We can have a niceconversation. Just me and a beggar.

JASPERYeah, uh, youd do that for me sir?

(CONTINUED)


10/27

CONTINUED: 9.

PHILIPYou betcha, beggar.

11 INT. HOST STAND - CONTINUOUS 11

Jasper and Phillip walk into front door of restaurant ascamera follows behind. When camera enters restaurant itfocuses on two oddly dressed twenty somethings standing atthe host stand.

"COUNT BURGER"So I googled my name. Says Im avampire.

PAT HESSThats dope.

CAMERA IMMEDIATELY MOVES TO FRANCIS AND TERESAS TABLE.

12 INT. FRANCIS AND TERESAS TABLE - CONTINOUS 12

FRANCIS(mildly frustrated)

Everything on this menu hascalories in it.

TERESAYeah, they have carb-consciousselections, but what if Im calorieconscious.

Their waiter arrives.

STEPHENAlright ladies, your pin-mer- wine.

TERESAMmmmm.

FRANCISYummers.

TERESAWow, this is delicious, Steffan.

STEPHENFantastic, Im glad you enjoy itand its actually pronouncedStephen.

(CONTINUED)


11/27

CONTINUED: 10.

FRANCISAre you sure?

TERESA(sexual)

You know the "ph" makes a f- sound,right?

Francis and Teresa looking at each other like duh.

FRANCISfff/fff/fff

TERESAfff/fff/fff

STEPHENWell, its pronounced Stephen.

FRANCISI think youre pronouncing itwrong, Steffan.

Stephen gets out his order pad.

STEPHENDid you get a chance to look overour menus?

TERESANo, I didnt, and yourepronouncing it wrong-

STEPHENI have an English degree.

TERESA-but I did have the tiniest ofquestions, do you have a glutenfree menu?

STEPHENOh, yes we do. Let me go grab ourallergen menu.

TERESAOh, uh, Im not allergic.

Stephen is visibly confused.

TERESA (contd)(wipes lips)

Just... curious.

Awkward silence.

(CONTINUED)


12/27

CONTINUED: 11.

STEPHENDo you know what you want?

TERESA(whispering)

Geeze is Steff mad or something?

FRANCISI dont knooow.

TERESAIts not like if I was allergic togluten it wouldve been my choice.

Concerned, Francis looks back at Stephen.

FRANCISI see that you have these shrimptempura tacos. Are the tortillasfree range?

STEPHENAre the tortillas free range?

FRANCISLike, I dont want them caged, yaknow?

STEPHENWell, theyre delivered to us in abag. Im not sure-

TERESA

So theyre prisoners?

FRANCISI dont eat suffering.

STEPHEN(in defense)

Theyre just in a bag.

FRANICISIll just have the veggie pestosandwich.

STEPHEN(mumbling as he writes)

Veggie pesto...

TERESAAnd Ill have the Sedona clubsandwich, but no tomato.

(CONTINUED)


13/27

CONTINUED: 12.

STEPHEN(still mumbling)

No tomato.

TERESAIm allergic.

STEVEIll definitely make sure the cookis aware of-

TERESAIm not really allergic, I justHATE it!

Stephen walks away flustered.

AS WAITER WALKS AWAY MOVE TO JASPER AND PHILIP.

13 INT. JASPER AND PHILIPS TABLE - CONTINUOUS 13

Phillip seats Jasper and unbuttons his blazer as he sits.

JASPERWow man this place is something.

PHILLIPIts my favorite restaurant.Nothing too flashy, not quaint, butnice.

Stephen approaches the table.

JASPERWell I really do appreciate it -say, whats your name?

Stephen sets down basket of bread sticks.

PHILLIPI think its important to help youfellow man, or in your case ahomeless beggar - Stephen!

STEPHENHello, Mr. Kirkland, isevery-thing-alright?

PHILLIPOh, everythings fine, hes withme. Anything the beggar has is onme.

(CONTINUED)


14/27

CONTINUED: 13.

STEPHENOh, well, thats very kind of you.Arent you a Good Samaritan?

PHILLIPJust a normal man trying to pay it

forward to a beggar.

JASPERMy names Jasper. Im a man.

Phillip speaks over Jaspers last line.

PHILLIPYa know Stephen, tonights aspecial night, why dont you bringme a glass of your finest 18-yearscotch and any malt liquor for thebeggar.

STEPHENWe dont carry-

PHILLIPHe can have the scotch. Just aneight year, he doesnt knowanything about scotch.

PHILLIP (contd)And of course Im going to startwith your wedge salad and low-fatvinaigrette and a soup for the

beggar.

STEPHENOur soup de jour is broccolicheese.

JASPERI really dont like broccoli.

PHILLIPWell, beggars cant be choosers.

Phillip begins to laugh at the obvious quip.

PHILLIPHell have the soup though.

Jasper is clearly affected and baffled and Stephen isuncomfortable. Jasper reaches for a bread stick and his handis slapped away by Phillip.

(CONTINUED)


15/27

CONTINUED: 14.

PHILLIPAnd for my entree Ill take thesteak and-

Phillip takes a coupe of chunks of bread and puts them onJaspers bread plate. Scraps.

PHILLIP-lobster. Youll spoil yourappetite. Medium rare of course.And the beggar will have the hotdog.

JASPERMan, thats only on the kids menu.

PHILLIPSILENCE beggar!

PHILLIP (contd)Then throw some beggar chili on it.

STEPHEN(stuttering)

Alright.

PHILLIPAnd some beggar crackers with thebeggar chili.

PHILLIPBeggar begging beggar beggar.

Phillip tears pieces of bread and throws them at Jasper.

Stephen walks away. Phillip and Jasper sit in silence.

JASPERWhat was that all about? Man, Ifought in Vietnam; my wife andkids-

PHILLIP(looks up)

This was a mistake. Youre so poor.

SMASH CUT: FOLLOW BUSSER AS HE PASSES THROUGH FRAME ONTOSKIDDISH MAN, PETER, ENTERING THE RESTAURANT HEADED TOWARDTHE KITCHEN.


16/27

15.

14 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 14

PETER (polo/dad shorts/socks with sandals) walks into thekitchen/office. TOYA and MARIK (greasy/button-downs/tracksuit) stare as he enters.

TOYAAh Peter, thank you for coming.

Toya and Marik both get up and give Peter a kiss on the sideof the cheek. Toya handles a cleaver and gestures to thecooks to leave. Peter is visibly nervous.

MARIKWe want to talk to you about job.You...psssh psssh?

Marik mimes a pistol firing.

TOYAYeah?

PETERI cant do it. I dont think I cankill a man.

Toya slams the butcher knife into a slab of meat sitting onthe counter. Blood splatters on Peters cheek.

TOYAOh da da. We understand. Killingman for first time is difficult.

Marik takes out a kitchen towel to clean off the blood.

MARIKIt took me twenty five secondsbefore I throw Igor Petrovsky fromroof. He cry all the way down.

TOYAI waited for hour in dark for myfather to fall asleep. Weunderstand.

PETERGod that makes me feel so muchbetter. I was worried about whatyou might say.

MARIKNo, you dont worry.

(CONTINUED)


17/27


18/27


19/27

CONTINUED: 18.

TOYASo proud.

MARIKWe see you soon. Ok.

PETERSounds great!

Toya and Marik give Peter hugs.

Toya begins finding a cigarette.

TOYADont disappoint us.

MARIKor PSSH.

Toya lights a cigarette.

TOYAPSSH.

Toya hacks at the meat.

Peter hesitates. Toya and Marik laughs, as if they pulledone on him. He turns and walks away.

TOYAWe take care of our family.

Peters eyes grow wide as he continues to walk out.

MARIKAnd Peter.

Peter, stunned, turns around.

MARIK (contd)No open-toed shoes in the kitchen,ok? Saftey safety safety.

Peter nods and walks out as Marik wafts cigarette smoke.

MARIKGet out of here with that, Imallergic.

FOLLOW PETER OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND INTO RESTAURANT. SWEEPTO FRANK AND TREYS TABLE.


20/27

19.

15 INT. FRANK AND TREYS TABLE - CONTINUOUS 15

Continuation of the "Bet he..." game where Trey all, butcomes out of the closet. They sit in awkward silence.

Stephen approaches the table and drops off their orders.

STEPHENHow does everything l-

TREYWhat the hell is this?

STEPHENIts a well-done ribeye.

TREYWell done my ass, it looks like acows vagina.

Stephen pauses. Awkward silence.

FRANKLook, we aint paying for this.

STEPHENIll talk to my manager.

Stephen walks away.

FRANKBet he plays golf.

TREYBet hes got clean balls.

FOLLOW STEPHEN.

STILL MOVING STAYS ON COUNT BURGER AND PAT HESS.

COUNT BURGERI mean eventually one of thespiders are going to be radioactiveand I will get super powers

PAT HESSThatd be dope.

SWEEP TO FRANCIS AND TERESA LEAVING THE RESTAURANT.

LEAD ONTO STREET TO AN OTS BEHIND THEM.


21/27

20.


FRANCISWell that was...

TERESA

Awful?

FRANCISUm.... Is there something worsethan awful?

TERESALike... working retail awful?

FRANCISYES! EXACTLY!! Eating there waslike working at Target.

TERESAYoure so bad!

FRANCISYou started it.

TERESAWell, you finished it. Just likethat sad excuse for a Pestosandwich!

FRANCISI was hungry. I just got off that

potato and seaweed diet.

TERESAB-T-Dubs. You look great!

FRANCISReally?

CAMERA IS NOW BEHIND FRANCIS AND TERESA.

TERESAYeah...

GENTLEMEN ROBBER jumps out from behind a car.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERHazah!

Francis and Teresa are both startled.

(CONTINUED)


22/27

CONTINUED: 21.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERPardon my intrusion on this fineevening ladies this is...a robbery.

FRANCISAre you for reals?

TERESALike for reals for reals?

GENTLEMAN ROBBERYes I assure you that I am indeedfor reals

FRANCISBut why? You look so nice.

Francis gestures with his hands.

TERESA

I know!

GENTLEMAN ROBBERWell thank you.

FRANCISBut I dont believe it, theres noway youre a robber.

Gentlemen Robber exaggerates a disappointed frown.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERSo its come to this...

He pulls out a blunderbuss.

FRANCISOh!

TERESAAh!

GENTLEMAN ROBBER (contd)You see my dear friends, I used tobe rich. I was great at being rich.Fantastic at it really... maybeeven too good. Unfortunately, my

wealth did not last, nor did itteach me to cope with being selfreliant. You see I dont know howto work, and I dont feel I need tolearn. As my grandfather alwayssaid "Work? Thats for the Irish."So, because of that I have beenreduced to this barbarian act ofthuggery.

(CONTINUED)


23/27

CONTINUED: 22.

FRANCISHow sad...

TERESAThose Irish do love to work though.

They all laugh.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERToo true, too true. Nonetheless, ifyou please be so kind to give meall your valuables.

He pulls out a velvet bag.

GENTLEMAN ROBBER (contd)Place them in this sack. Wallets,mobiles, jewelry, pocket watches,wrist watches, snuff tins,

priceless heirlooms, you get thegist.

(Francis and Teresa begin to hand him valuables)

FRANCISThat watch is real white gold. 22carats.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERId expect nothing less of women ofyour carriage.

FRANCISSo charming

TERESAHeres my ATM card, pin number is6969

FRANCISYOURE SOOOO BAD!!

TERESAI couldnt help it. Its myfavorite number....twice.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERWell,(looking in bag) that lookslike everything. OH! And I am surethis goes without saying but nopolice.

(CONTINUED)


24/27

CONTINUED: 23.

FRANCISOf course not! WE wouldnt dare.

TERESAYouve been sooo nice.

FRANCIS

Youve been a real gentleman.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERAll I can do is try. Ill make sureI leave enough money in youraccount so you two kind ladies canbuy a nice bottle of Pinotmerlot.For now I must bid you...aideu(takes pellet out of pocket throwson ground, smoke cloud appears)

FRANCIS(clapping)

YAY!

TERESAYAY!

FRANCISI wish he was our waiter.

TERESARight? Fuck Steffan.

17 EXT. PARKING LOT 17

Frank and Trey are hanging out by Franks F-250.

Trey lights a cigarette. Frank feels his pockets for hislighter. Trey motions to use his.

FRANKI got my own.

Gentlemen Robber approaches as Trey lets out a drag.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERGood evening gentlemen.

Frank ignores him as he continues to look for his lighter,cigarette dangling from his mouth.

GENTLEMAN ROBBER (contd)Whats that?

Gentlemen Robber politely points to Franks pocket where acolorful piece of something protrudes. He reaches for it.

(CONTINUED)


25/27

CONTINUED: 24.

FRANKThe hell.

He tugs slowly at first and then quickens to reveal amulti-colored scarf.

TREYHoly cow!

While Frank is still stunned Gentlemen Robber lights hiscigarette.

FRANKThats my lighter!

TREYDamn, he got you twice.

FRANK

Howd you do that!?

TREYMan, I gotta take a picture of thisshit.

Trey fumbles around for his phone.

ON GENTLEMEN ROBBER:

Gentlemen robber turns around to reveal hes on Treys cellphone.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERLooking for this?!

FRANKAint that something!

TREY(offended he was had)

That aint nothing.

Frank immediately backs up Trey.

FRANKYeah, what else ya got?

GENTLEMAN ROBBERYoure not impressed?

FRANK & TREYMeh.

(CONTINUED)


26/27

CONTINUED: 25.

Gentlemen robber dramatically whisks off his cape. He holdsit out to present it. He turns it to show the other side.

Frank and Trey take a hold of the cape. Gentlemen Robberhelps them adjust the cape so that its only a few inchesfrom their faces.

GENTLEMAN ROBBERWish me well gentlemen, I hope thistrick will astound you.

Frank and Trey look at one another behind the cape andconfidently give a slow nod.

Awkward silence.

Frank and Trey are curious about the silence and lower thecape. The truck and Gentlemen Robber are gone.

GENTLEMAN ROBBER (contd)Looking for me?!

He is directly behind them, in the truck!

He chucks a smoke bomb down right in front of Frank and Treyand peels out.

SFX: CLASSICAL MUSIC BLASTS OFF

ON TREY

TREY

That was god damn amazing!!

ON FRANK OUT-AHEAD RUNNING AFTER THE TRUCK

CREDITS ROLL

18 EXT. ALLEY BEHIND ST. PETES 18

Trey looks at his phone as he and Frank walk down thestreet.

TREYHoly shit!

FRANKHuh?

TREYHe took a picture of his pecker onmy phone!

(CONTINUED)


27/27

CONTINUED: 26.

Frank is stunned.

FRANKWha-

Frank and Trey both look to the alley where MARIK has thrown

a big human-shaped trash bag into the dumpster.

19 EXT. BACK DOOR - CONTINUOUS 19

Busser Pat Hess and "COUNT BURGER" smoke a joint outside.

BUSSERMan today was fucked up.

"COUNT BURGER"Bro, you should just come work inthe mail room with me and Pat.

PAT HESSThatd be dope.

SMASH CUT TO TITLE CARD

samurai drunk - pilot episode - shooting script - 07-16-2013

Documents