“THE GOV”

SCREENPLAY

COMEDY

While struggling with precarious inefficiencies and outrageous

clumsiness of a federal agency, a conspiracy prevents a

facilities manager from selling government properties that have

been vacant for several years.

Phil Turner, a new government facilities manager, is trying to

sell federal property, to eliminate maintenance costs, but gets

significant resistance from senior employees. Ridiculous

expectations and antics of male chauvinists, curmudgeons, and

challenging employees interfere with Phil’s progress.

Significant struggles include uncovering rashes of narcolepsy,

nepotism, and adultery, and interviewing a group of questionable

companies to take over the vacant buildings. In the midst of a

congressional inquiry, unlikely allies come forward to aid Phil

with his struggle against the conspiracy.

This screenplay is intended for all audiences over the age of

13. Federal employees can definitely relate to the situations

in this story. Certain parts of this screenplay have been

redacted to ensure viewing is appropriate for the public.

The following 25 pages are a sample of the screenplay. A

synopsis and a complete 99 page screenplay will be available at

www.inktip.com in September 2015.

James Patrick is my “pen” name. I, Patrick Garbart, am the

author of this screenplay.

THE GOV

by Patrick Garbart

INT. A FRONT OFFICE AREA - DAY

A SECRETARY, sitting at her desk, answers a phone call.

SECRETARY

(into phone)

Bureau of Austerity and Reclamation,

Customer Affairs. Can I help you?

CUSTOMER

(on phone)

Yes. I’ve been transferred five

times and I desperately need to be

connected with the division office.

SECRETARY

Only authorized personnel are

allowed to contact that office.

CUSTOMER

(frustrated)

Listen, I’ve been through this with

several people already. Can’t you

just save me some time? I really

need to reach the division office.

SECRETARY

Have you tried other offices?

CUSTOMER

That is why I am calling you.

SECRETARY

But I don’t handle these kinds of

calls. I work in a branch office.

CUSTOMER

I realize that. Again, all I’m

asking is to be connected to the

division office. You are able to

transfer phone calls, correct?

SECRETARY

Yes sir, but only for authorized

personnel. How did you get a hold

of me? Who asked you to contact me?

2

CUSTOMER

Can I just be transferred?

SECRETARY

Who asked you to contact me?

CUSTOMER

Is that really important? Can’t

you just transfer me to the

division office?

SECRETARY

I’ll transfer you to the operator.

CUSTOMER

Wait! Please don’t do that! I’ve

already spoken to her three times.

SECRETARY

Well, if she didn’t transfer you

then maybe you have issues. Here,

wait please, I’m going to transfer

you to the operator.

CUSTOMER

Wait! Don’t do that!

The secretary hangs up. A MANAGER walks out of his office and

approaches the secretary.

MANAGER

Was that a customer?

SECRETARY

No, just some crazy guy.

INT. OFFICE OF DEPUTY DIRECTOR - DAY

An older gentleman, HERB WALEY, is sitting in his office and

calls his secretary TINA.

HERB

(into phone)

What’s the new manager’s name?

3

TINA

(on phone)

Phil Turner, sir.

HERB

Can you send him to my office? It’s

about time I meet this new manager.

TINA

I will tell him to come by.

HERB

Thanks.

Herb hangs up the phone. A few minutes later, PHIL TURNER, a

younger gentleman, comes by and sits right outside Herb’s

office. Phil notices a fake giant frog above the doorway to

Herb’s office. Herb opens his door.

HERB

Come on in.

Phil proceeds through the doorway. The FROG “RIPPETS”. Phil

notices many plagues on the walls inside Herb’s office.

PHIL

Phil Turner.

HERB

Nice to finally meet you. So how

long have you been with the Bureau?

PHIL

It’s been about three months.

HERB

How are you liking it?

PHIL

Well, I’m learning some things, and

getting acclimated to the culture

and surroundings.

HERB

What have you learned so far?

4

PHIL

I’d like to see if I can improve

the efficiency of my section.

HERB

Yes, I know what you mean. Say,

speaking of which, I’d like to talk

to you about something. I don’t

mean to put you on the spot so soon,

but you have a Miranda Simmons in

your section that’s been putting the

department in a clumsy situation.

It seems that our customer service

reviews are slipping. I’ve been

told that much of it is due to the

behavior of Ms. Simmons. I’m not

sure what is wrong with her. She

should know better.

PHIL

I do know what you are talking

about. I’ve already met with her

twice about her challenges.

HERB

Well, I’d like you to do a little

more. I want those customer reviews

to come in glowing. We can’t have

one of our employees playing games

and disrupting our success.

PHIL

I totally agree and will proceed.

HERB

Say, I like your attitude young man.

Oh, I forgot. Darren Smith is the

manager for the public affairs

section. He’s been giving people a

lot of shit for not getting a new

sofa. I guess he’s had an old

stained sofa for many years.

PHIL

Why doesn’t he just cover it up?

5

HERB

He does. He uses a shirt that says

“Ongoing Crime Scene Investigation-

don’t sit here”. We can’t have that

kind of monkey business going on. I

want you to look into it and make

sure Darren gets his sofa.

PHIL

I’ll check into it.

HERB

I almost forgot. I have to give you

your initial counseling for your

rating period. I’ll just list some

things for you to do. At the end of

the year you’ll sign a document.

PHIL

There’s no quarterly performance

reviews, or discussions for my

individual development plan?

HERB

We don’t do that here. My only

concern is that you sign the main

document at the end of the year.

You know, stating that we’ve had

performance discussions.

Phil is confused. Tina KNOCKS on the door, and opens it.

TINA

Sir, Nate Anderson needs you to

sign his new telework application.

He would like to work at home two

days a week, every week.

HERB

What the hell kind of shit is that?

Every other employee that gets

telework approval ends up taking

naps at home, sometimes all day.

Herb looks at Phil.

6

HERB

Just the other day, I called an

employee at home, on his telework

day. His wife answered and I could

hear him snoring in the background.

To top it off, I couldn’t get a

response from him until he came

back in the office.

Herb looks at the application and gives it back to Tina.

HERB

Hell no. Disapproved!

Herb sniffs the air.

HERB

Tina, what’s that smell?

TINA

I think it is Harry.

A dirty, bearded man walks by the office area.

HERB

Well go tell him to wipe his ass.

It smells like a diaper factory.

TINA

I can’t tell him that sir.

HERB

Alright. I’ll tell him later.

Herb looks at Phil.

HERB

Now where were we?

PHIL

I think we are done.

HERB

Good. Good luck with Miranda.

Phil walks out of Herb’s office and approaches Tina.

7

PHIL

What’s with the frog?

TINA

It’s to warn him of visitors about

to enter his office.

PHIL

Why is that necessary?

Tina motions Phil to come closer.

TINA

(quietly)

It’s because he wants to be warned

while he’s sleeping.

Phil exits the area with a blank stare.

INT. PUBLIC AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT – DAY

Phil approaches a LADY at the front desk.

LADY

May I help you?

PHIL

Yes, I’m here to see Darren Smith.

LADY

Just one minute.

The lady reaches for her phone and makes a call.

LADY

(into phone)

There’s a gentleman here to see you.

Alright, I’ll send him back.

The lady hangs up the phone.

LADY

Go right back to the left there and

you will see Darren’s office.

PHIL

Thank you.

8

Phil walks past the front desk, towards an office. He sees a

shirt covering part of a discolored area on a sofa. He

approaches DARREN, a gentleman in his 50s.

DARREN

Well young man, are you here to

look at my disgusting sofa, or are

going to help me get a new one?

PHIL

I’ll try to get you a new one.

DARREN

I’ve been trying for ten years.

PHIL

(surprised)

Ten years?

DARREN

Yes, ten. I even pounded the desk

in a senior staff meeting trying to

get those knuckleheads to listen to

me. We end up spending thousands

of dollars on needless things. But

they can’t get me a sofa that cost

one hundred and fifty dollars!

Darren pulls out some paperwork and presents it to Phil.

DARREN

You see, I’ve submitted my request

in writing several times.

Phil is surprised after reviewing the paperwork.

PHIL

I’ll talk to purchasing about this.

DARREN

Go right ahead. Good luck.

Phil exits the area and goes down a long corridor and approaches

MS. MARTIN, who is sitting at a large desk.

MS. MARTIN

Good morning. How can I help you?

9

PHIL

Ms. Martin, I would like to get the

order going for Darren Smith.

MS. MARTIN

Let me tell you about that one. It

has going back and forth for years.

Darren has complained so many times.

PHIL

Why have we not made the purchase?

MS. MARTIN

Money of course. But I’ll tell you

what I can do. I will submit the

transaction for ordering today.

PHIL

One hundred and fifty dollars was a

money problem for our organization?

MS. MARTIN

There are issues with ordering

Darren Smith’s sofa.

PHIL

Well, let’s see what we can do to

get to the next step. I’ll come by

tomorrow to see how you’re doing.

Ms. Martin is a little irritated by Phil’s comment.

INT. MS. MARTIN’S DESK – MORNING

Phil stands by the desk of Ms. Martin the next morning.

PHIL

Did you get the sofa ordered?

MS. MARTIN

I was busy.

PHIL

I thought you were going to take

care of the order yesterday! Let’s

see if you can get it processed now.

10

MS. MARTIN

Ok! Let me log into the system.

A picture of a sofa appears on the computer screen.

PHIL

Yes. That one.

MS. MARTIN

Wait now. I have to verify that it

is the correct one. We can’t rush.

PHIL

(frustrated)

It is one hundred and fifty dollars.

It’s the same sofa I referred to

yesterday. And the same item number.

Ms. Martin waves her hands back and forth in frustration.

MS. MARTIN

We are going too fast.

PHIL

All you do is click the submit

button at the bottom.

MS. MARTIN

I’ll have to check on this with my

supervisor. We need verification.

PHIL

Check on what? The request form was

approved. The item is the same. If

you click submit, then the order

will be processed, then shipped.

MS. MARTIN

I’m getting worked up!

PHIL

I’ll let you calm down. I’ll come

back later to help you click the

submit button.

Ms. Martin waves her hands back and forth again. Phil backs off

and leaves the area.

11

INT. PHIL’S OFFICE - DAY

Phil is meeting with his staff.

PHIL

I’ve been here for three months and

had the opportunity to observe the

section. There are some great things

we are doing, and some challenges we

need to resolve, especially in the

area of customer service.

Phil passes out some paperwork.

PHIL

Here is a Code of Conduct for our

section. Can someone read it aloud?

A young lady, MELISSA, raises her hand.

MELISSA

I can do that.

Melissa reviews the document carefully.

MELISSA

Item number one. No game playing.

STEVE, a scruffy employee in his 50s, raises his hand.

PHIL

Yes?

STEVE

Does that include solitaire?

Some of the employees LAUGH.

PHIL

Yes, that includes solitaire.

STEVE

So what am I supposed to do with

all my free time?

12

PHIL

Work. Getting back to the rule,

the first one really means not

playing any interpersonal games.

STEVE

Well, what does that mean?

RANDLE, a military retiree in his 50s, pulls down his eyeglasses

and looks directly at Steve.

RANDLE

What do you think it means? Don’t

play with people! You know, don’t

stab them in the back.

PHIL

Alright. That’s a little extreme,

but accurate also. We need to work

as a team to accomplish our mission,

like getting good customer service

reviews. That’s the primary goal.

The forth staff member, MIRANDA SIMMONS, in her 50s, is giving

Phil a sarcastic look.

MIRANDA

Well, if it’s a rule, I’ll have to

have my Union rep’s approval.

The other employees roll their eyes.

PHIL

There is no approving anything.

That is my expectation.

MIRANDA

I’ll still need to consult my rep.

PHIL

Let’s move on. Next item.

MELISSA

No sleeping on duty.

MIRANDA

You can’t enforce that rule.

13

PHIL

What do you mean by that Miranda?

MIRANDA

If an employee has a doctor’s

note stating that he is drowsy

during his medication period he

will be entitled to sleep at work.

PHIL

Sleep at work?

MIRANDA

Yes.

PHIL

I know of no such entitlement. I

expect employees to be able to

complete their work, maintain a

professional work ethic, and be an

active participant in solving

organizational problems.

MIRANDA

But if I have a doctor’s note

stating my prescription is causing

me to be drowsy then I can take my

own time doing my work.

PHIL

So what happens when the work does

not get done?

MIRANDA

Have someone else do it.

PHIL

Would you be willing to take work

from others if they’re drowsy?

MIRANDA

That’s not in my job description.

You will definitely have to consult

my Union rep for that.

PHIL

Interesting point of view.

14

Steve leans forward towards Miranda.

STEVE

I doubt I’ll have the time to do

anyone’s job for them.

Miranda tightens up.

MIRANDA

Please don’t raise your voice.

STEVE

I didn’t! You are being jumpy.

MIRANDA

Please don’t degrade me.

Steve shuts up.

PHIL

Alright, let’s stick to the agenda.

Let’s get through this.

INT. PHIL’S OFFICE - LATER

Phil meets with Melissa in his office.

PHIL

Melissa, I appreciate your work

ethic. I’m a little confused about

your current workload. Your job

is to conduct status reports on the

buildings that we own. Correct?

MELISSA

Yes sir.

PHIL

You do these every month?

MELISSA

Yes.

PHIL

And the status has not changed in

the last three years?

15

MELISSA

No sir.

PHIL

Why is that?

MELISSA

There has not been any activity.

PHIL

Let me get this straight. The

government is paying maintenance

fees for several big buildings.

Each of them are unoccupied. That

status has not changed in the last

three years? And we have employees

in this agency whose sole job is to

manage the buildings?

Melissa is ashamed and lowers her head.

PHIL

I don’t blame you Melissa. I’m

sure we can assign you different

work, which will be challenging,

rewarding, and make sure our labor

dollars are spent wisely. I’m

going to give you a lot more work

from other areas. I will have to

talk to the contract manager. I

think his name is Larry Smith?

MELISSA

There is something you should know

sir. I don’t know how to tell you.

PHIL

(concerned)

Yes?

MELISSA

Mr. Smith has a very odd habit.

PHIL

What kind of odd habit?

16

MELISSA

I’m not sure how to tell you this.

PHIL

Go ahead Melissa, tell me.

MELISSA

Mr. Smith takes naps.

PHIL

We all must take naps sometime.

MELISSA

What I mean to say is he takes a

nap every day at work.

PHIL

What?

Melissa lowers her head again.

PHIL

So is this the Mr. Nappy I’ve been

hearing about?

MELISSA

It is.

PHIL

I will have to check this out for

myself. Melissa, you’ve been a

good intern, but it is time that we

give you some real work to do.

MELISSA

Thank you for your understanding.

PHIL

I’m going to pay Larry a visit.

MELISSA

Oh, by the way, there is something

else you should know. Larry gets

very mad when he is woken up.

17

PHIL

I’m starting to find all kinds of

surprises in this agency.

INT. CORRIDOR - DAY

Phil walks down a long, quiet corridor. At the end of the

corridor is an office. A door reads “Larry Smith”. Phil peeks in

the office. LARRY is taking a nap. Phil KNOCKS on his door.

There is no movement from Larry. Phil notices several boxes of

copy paper in the corner of the hallway. He picks up one of the

boxes six feet off the floor and drops it, causing a LOUD CLAP.

Larry wakes up.

LARRY

(fumbling)

What the hell happened?

PHIL

Good morning.

LARRY

Who are you? What was that sound?

PHIL

I’m not sure. You are Larry Smith?

LARRY

Yes. What do you want?

PHIL

You manage the realty contract? You

are the contract manager, correct?

LARRY

Yes! Why are you asking?

PHIL

I’m the new facilities manager.

LARRY

Leave the realty contract alone!

PHIL

I’m going to have to ask you to

produce the annual summary reports.

18

LARRY

Why? Who will look at them?

PHIL

I will review them and start

evaluating some opportunities to

defray the costs of holding on to

our vacant properties.

LARRY

We don’t need to do anything.

Phil looks at the drool from Larry’s mouth.

PHIL

You know, you’ve got some drool

coming down from your mouth. That

happens when you’ve been napping

for a long time.

Larry wipes the drool from his mouth.

LARRY

Listen here, I’m not going to have

some young kid come in here and

tell me how to do my job.

PHIL

What job are you doing?

LARRY

You snotty punk!

PHIL

I’m going to leave your office

knowing that I’ve asked you for the

annual summaries. I expect them a

week from today. You should have

plenty of time to produce the

reports, in between your naps.

LARRY

You’re not my boss! Waley is.

19

PHIL

I realize that. But you know what

my expectations are. You have a

nice day. Sorry to have interrupted

your hard-earned nap.

Phil exits Larry’s office.

LARRY

(yelling)

You won’t last!

INT. VACANT BUILDING - DAY

Phil and Melissa walk around inside a large building.

Phil is impressed with its size.

PHIL

I didn’t realize how much space

there was. You could easily put a

couple of commercial jets in here.

MELISSA

We have lots of unoccupied space.

There’s more in the other buildings.

PHIL

Yes. And Larry has lots of free

time on his hands.

Melissa nods.

PHIL

Melissa, let’s look at a few areas

in the building and see how they

match up with the reports.

MELISSA

Alright. How many will we be

reviewing today?

PHIL

Let’s try and knock out all six

buildings. If the buildings are

equally large, then the review

should take all day.

20

Phil points to some old furniture.

PHIL

Why hasn’t this been turned in?

MELISSA

We weren’t able to negotiate with

any government contractor regarding

the disposition.

PHIL

So Larry didn’t have anything to do

with that, did he, in a literal

sense that is?

Melissa looks to the side.

PHIL

This is really nice furniture. I’m

sure we can get a buyer for this.

Phil’s expression changes as he notices an inscription on one of

the desks. It reads “You can’t take my job”.

PHIL

Did you see this? I guess the

employee was wrong.

MELISSA

There are similar inscriptions on

most of the furniture.

PHIL

It must have been a hostile

takeover, with hostile employees.

Phil approaches another desk turned on its side. He sees an

envelope resting between the drawers. Phil picks it up. Phil

opens the envelope. There is a letter inside that reads “Herb, I

can’t leave my husband for you. You are okay, but I need

something more”. Phil raises an eyebrow.

PHIL

(to himself)

Maybe I need to hold on to this.

21

Phil and Melissa continue down the other end of the building.

Phil looks out of a window.

PHIL

This is prime real estate. Has

nobody expressed interest in this

building? It is located next to

nice parks and restaurants.

MELISSA

Our organization has received many

inquiries, but we couldn’t give out

any information. We never submitted

a solicitation package.

PHIL

It seems there’s been an alternative

motive behind keeping the buildings.

MELISSA

I heard a rumor that the contractor

wanted to have Larry turn over the

property in a rent-free deal.

Phil looks out a window.

PHIL

Rent-free? Very interesting.

INT. PHIL’S OFFICE – DAY

Phil is sitting at his desk reviewing some paperwork. MIKE

COCHRAN, a well-dressed man KNOCKS on Phil’s door.

PHIL

(looking at Mike)

Can I help you?

MIKE

Are you Phil Turner?

PHIL

Yes.

MIKE

My name is Colonel Mike Cochran. I’m

in charge of the realty contract.

22

PHIL

I wasn’t aware that the military

was in charge of the contract. I

thought one of our employees was

managing the reality contract.

MIKE

I was in the military. Retired now.

PHIL

I see now. What can I do for you?

MIKE

Well, you can start by letting me

handle the affairs of the contract.

PHIL

Mr. Cochran, I wasn’t aware you

were one of our employees. I have

a Mr. Larry Smith listed as the

contract manager.

MIKE

I’m not one of the employees. I am

the contractor.

PHIL

I’m a little confused. You’re

telling me that you manage the

contract, and you’re a contractor,

and Mr. Larry Smith is listed as

the contract manager?

MIKE

Exactly.

PHIL

Well, since you’re the contractor

I have no need to speak with you.

Larry Smith is supposed to be

overseeing the contract.

23

MIKE

Listen here young man. I’m going

to tell you how everything will be.

I was a colonel in the military and

was offered a job as a contractor.

This is because I am the most

experienced technical expert for

handling the delicate issues of the

realty contract.

PHIL

Our buildings are delicate?

Mike grimaces.

MIKE

Phil, you will allow us to handle

these matters like they’ve always

been handled.

PHIL

I don’t think the taxpayers want to

hear that we are paying property

taxes on buildings that have been

vacant for years. It is time to

cut our losses.

MIKE

Yes, I heard you were working on

selling the properties.

PHIL

It is interesting that you know

things you are unauthorized to

know. Say, I need to slap myself

in the face for speaking with you.

I’m currently violating the

contract. Good day!

MIKE

You will hear from me again!

PHIL

You’ll be violating the contract if

you contact me again.

24

Mike storms out of the office and is approached by Randle.

Randle points at Mike, lowers his eyeglasses and smiles.

RANDLE

Hey Colonel. Don’t be managing the

contract, or you’ll go to jail.

Randle looks up at the ceiling and starts LAUGHING.

MIKE

You idiot!

Phil comes out of the office and looks at Randle.

PHIL

You are rough around the edges, but

you do have a gift of knowing what

to say at the right moment.

RANDLE

(lowering his glasses)

You need to watch that guy. I knew

him when he was in the military.

Did you know he started working as

a contractor while he was still on

active duty? As a colonel, he

diverted funding, illegally, to

support his own projects.

PHIL

Why didn’t Mike’s organization do

anything to correct the problem?

Randle LAUGHS OUT LOUD.

RANDLE

They didn’t do anything because

they were all in on it. Taxpayers

need you to watch out for their

hard-earned money. But watch your

back. Mike has a lot of friends.

I’m not one of them.

Randle LAUGHS again.

INT. PHIL’S OFFICE – LATER

25

Phil is sitting in his office and gets a phone call.

PHIL

Yes? Alright, I’ll be right there.

Phil rushes out of the office, proceeding down the hallway.

INT. LOBBY AREA OF DARREN SMITH - DAY

Many employees are assembled near Darren’s office. Inside the

office is a new sofa. Phil approaches Darren.

DARREN

It’s nice, but not what I wanted.

PHIL

I can see that. It is a leather

sofa. We were wanting that one

hundred and fifty dollar sofa.

DARREN

Now people are going to think that

I have extravagant spending habits.

PHIL

Looks like I need to speak with Ms.

Martin again. I’ll find out why

the other sofa was never ordered.

Darren notices an employee touching parts of the sofa.

DARREN

Alright! Stop stroking my sofa.

INT. MS. MARTIN’S DESK - DAY

Phil approaches Ms. Martin.

PHIL

Ms. Martin, how much was the sofa?

MS. MARTIN

Why? It is a nice sofa.

PHIL

I know it is nice. And very shiny

too. But how much did it cost?