seinfeld 2x11 - the chinese restaurant
TRANSCRIPT
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SEINFELD
"The Chinese Restaurant"
=04-0206
Written by
Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld
r
SHOOTING SCSI? ~Decentb&r 11, 1550
' -LI. RIGHTS RESERVED
. T.PYRIGHT (C) 1990, CASTLE ROCK ENTERTAINMENT
"No portion of this script nay be performed or reproduced by arv\aans, or quoted or published in any medium without the ^ric:
— ̂ ..-.itten consent of Castle Rock Entertainment, 335 N. MaDie Lrivs.. iite 133, Beverly Kills , CA r:210."
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SEINFELD
"The Chinese Restuarant"
=04-0206
CAST
JERRY JERRY SEINFELD
GEORGE JASON ALEXANDER
KRAMER MICHAEL RICHARDS
ELAINE JULIA LOUIS-DREY]
GUEST CAST
BRUCE JAMES HONG
LORRAINE JUDY KAIN
"R. COHEN DAVID TRESS
PHONE GUY MICHAEL MITZ
WOMAN KATE BENTON
MAN KENDALL MCCARTHY
A J F ^ H
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SEINFELD"Chinese Restaurant" Sheeting Scr ip t
Dec 11 1990
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
DINNERTIME, A CROWDED SUNDAY NIGHT. JERRY . GEORGE ANDELAINE ENTER. WE SEE A PODIUM, WITH A SIGN NEXT TO 17 ,"PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED." THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OFCONVERSATION. THEY APPROACH THE SIGN.
ELAINE
They just have to get more cops on
the force . I t ' s as s imp le as tha t .
GEORGE
Cops. I don ' t even care abou t cops.
I wanna see garbagemen eve rywhere .
That ' s much more impor tant . Al l I
wanna see are garbage t rucks ,
garbagemen and garbage cans . You're
never gonna step cr ime . We should a t
leas t be c lean .
What they should do is combine the
two jobs. Make it one j ob , cop s lash
garbageman./fl^^V
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SEINFELD"Chinese Restaurant" Shooting Scrict
Dec 11 1990"
JERRY (CONT'D)
I always see cops walking around withnothing to dc. Grab a broom. Start
sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep step
a crime, get back to sweeping. This
way they're always busy. Some crimes
they'll solve, some crimes they
won't, but they're always sweeping.
Constant sweeping.ELAINE
You should run for mayor.
JERRY
Nobody listens.
ELAINE
Where is someone? I'm starving.
GEORGEI think that's him over there.
THE HOST, BRUCE, APPEARS AT THE PODIUM. HE'S CHINESE,SPEAKS WITH AN ACCENT, MID FORTIES.
ELAINE
Is there a table ready?
3RUCE
How many?
JERRY
(TO GEORGE) Is she coming?
GEORGE
I have to call Tatiana and tell her
where we are.
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SEINFELD 2."Chinese Restauran t" Shooting Script < k)
Dec 11 1990
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) Tat ian a. (TO GEORGE)
How's i t going wi th her?
GEORGE
I'm very lucky that she's even
considering seeing me at al l .
JERRY
Really? I thou ght things were going
okay.
GEORGE
They were . . . I t ' s very compl ica ted .
JERRY
What is it?
GEORGE INDICATES HE CAN'T TALK NOW.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Alr igh t . . . Four, Seinfe ld .
3RUCE LOOKS AT A LIST.
BRUCE
Be five, ten minutes.
GEORGE
What do you want to do?
ELAINE
:o some
hungry.
GEORGE
Want to go to that Thai place on 9th
Avenue?
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SEINFELD 4 ."Chinese Restaurant" Shooting Script < A )
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
I don't want Thai, the portions aretoo small.
JERRY
As my father would say "They don't
give you anything."
ELAINE
So . What are we doing?
JERRYLet's just stay here. We don't have
that much time anyway, if we're going
to make the movi e.
GEORGE
Okay, I'll call Tati ana. Where's the
phone?
GEORGE MOVES AWAY.
JERRY
Tatiana.
THE PHONE IS DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM THEM.
IS TALKING ON IT. HE'S PURE GQ IN THE MOST OBNOXIOUS WAY
GEORGE
Are you going to be long?THE MAN LOOKS BACK AT HIM WITHOUT GIVING HIM ANY
BRUCE
(CALLING OUT) Lashbrook, four.
THE LASH3ROOK'S GET UP.
/ 5 f f ^ \
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SEINFELD"Chinese Restau rant" Shooting Script
Dec 11 1590
JERRY
Did I do a terrible thing tonight?
ELAINE
Ycu mean lying to your uncle?
JERRY
I couldn't have dinner with him.
"Plan Nine From Outer Space" one
night only, on the big screen - my
hands are tied.
GEORGE RETURNS STILL LOOKING AT THE MAN ON THE PHONE.
GEORGE
(TO JERRY AND ELAINE) You know, it's
a public phone . You're not supposed
to just chit chat.
ELAINE
Jerry, get menus so when we sit down
we'll be able to order right away.
JERRY
I can't look at a menu now. I have
to be at the table.
GEORGE
He knows I'm waiting. He sees me.
He ccesn't want to look.
ELAINE
(TO JERRY) Everything's gotta be
just so all the time with you.
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SEINFELD"Chinese Restaurant" Shooting Script
Dec 11 1990
JERRY
I offered you that cookie in my
house.
ELAINE
Oh, health cookies. I hate those
little dustboard fructose things.
GEORGE
I just can't believe the way people
are. What is it with humanity? What
kind of world do we live in?
JERRY'S EYES SUDDENLY LOCK ON A WOMAN AT A TABL E.
ELAINE
What?
JERRY
There's a woman over there who really
looks familiar. Dark hair, striped
shirt.
ELAINE
(TURNS BACK) I've never seen her
before.
JERRY
I know this woman. This is going to
drive ns crazv.
A PARTY OF FOUR COMES UP BEHIND:
MAN
Excuse me .
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SEINFELDii Chinese Restau rant" Shooting Script (A)
Dec 11 1990V £ X
ELAINE
Oh, I'm sorry.
THEY WALK PAST JERRY, ELAINE AND GEORGE RIGHT TO THE HOST.THEY'RE IMMEDIATELY ESCORTED TO A TABLE.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
What was that? Did you see t ha t ? !
JERRY
What?
ELAINE
Those peopl e. They just came in.
JERRY
Where?
ELAINE
Over there . They ' re get t ing a table .
JERRY
They must have been here f rom before .
ELAINE
No, no, they weren ' t here .
BRUCE RETURNS TO HIS PODIUM.
GEORGE
(TO PHONE MAN, WHOSE BACK IS TO
GEORGE) Are you gonna be much
longer? I 've gotta make a very
important ca l l .THE PHONE MAN LOOKS AT GEORGE UNCOMPREHENDINGLY AND RETURNSTO HIS CONVERSATION. ELAINE APPROA CHES HOST.
ELAINE
(TO JERRY ) Find out what 's going on.
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SEINFELDit Chinese Restaurant " Shooting Script
Dec 11 1990^^S
JERRY
Okay, okay.
ELAINE AND JERRY APPROACH BRUCE.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Excuse me, didn't those people just
come in? I believe we were ahead of
them.
BRUCE
What's your name?
JERRY
Seinfeld.
HE LOOKS AT HIS LIST AND THEN TURNS TO HIS WIFE AND STARTSTALKING TO HER IN CHINESE. AFTER A FAIRLY LONG EXCHANGEVARYING IN TONE WITH ELAINE HANGING ON EVERYINCOMPREHENSIBLE WORD, THE HOST FINALLY TURNS TO THEM:
BRUCE
N o , n o , t h e y h e r e b e f o r e . (CALLIN G
OUT) K e k i c h , t w o ?KEKICH'S COME FROM BEHIND.
MR. KEKICH
Excuse us .
ANGLE ON: KEKICHES SITTING DOWN.
ELAINE
You ever notice how happy people are
wnefi they finally get a table?They feel so special that they've
been chosen. It's enough to make you
sick.
(MORE)
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SEINFELD :• .
"Chinese Restaurant" Shooting Script ;A)Dec 11 1990
ELAINE (CONT'D)
(MOCKING THEIR PROBABLE CONVERSATION)"This is a good table . I wonder what
the specials are? Look at those
three idiots still waiting." (RE:
KEKICHES) They are so smugly
superior. Can't you sense it?
JERRY
Boy, you are really hungry...
JERRY AND ELAINE MOVE BACK TO THEIR POSITIONS, GEORGE ISSTILL LOCKED ON THE PHONE GUY. .
GEORGE
Hey!
*"* THE MAN TURNS, LOOKS AT GEORGE AND CONTINUES TALKING.
GEORGE
(TO JERRY) Hey, if anything happens
here can I depend on you?
JERRY
What?
GEORGE
You know if we decide to go at it.
JERRY
Yeah, I want to be with you in a
rumble.
GEORGE
I have to get in touch with Tatiana.
. f f l l t l n E N ,
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yI#*N.
SEINFELD 10."Chinese Res ta urant" Shoot ing Scr ip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
GEORGE
(RE: THE MAN) Look at his l i tt leout f i t . I t ' s a l l so coordinated .
(UTTER CONTEMP T) The l i t t le socks
match the l i t t le shirt...I really
ha te th i s guy.
ELAINE
I'm gonna faint .
J E R RY
Who is tha t woman in the s t r ipes?
GEORGE
I don ' t know he r.
JERRY
She looks so fami l iar.
ELAINE
It 's not fair that people are seated
first com e, f irst served. I t should
be based on who ' s the hungr ies t . As
soon as you come in the restaurant
they should test you with some sort
of brea thal izer tha t measures hunger.
I feel l ike just walking over and
taking some fcod off somebody's
p la t e .
JERRY
I' l l tel l you what - there 's f if ty
bucks in i t for you if you do i t .
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S EIN FELD 1 1 ." C h i n e s e R e s t a u r a n t " S h o o t i n g S c r i p t (A)
D e c 11 1 9 9 0
ELAINE
What do you mean?
JERRY
Walk over to that table, pick up an
egg roll, don't say anything, eat it
in front of the m, say "Thank you very
much" and walk away. I'll give you
fifty bucks .
GEORGE
What are they gonna do?
JERRY
They won't do anything, in fact if
you did that, you would be giving
them a story to tell for the rest of
their lives. Of that magical night
in the Chinese restaurant and the
mysterious, beautiful girl who ate
their egg roll.
ELAINE'S TOYING WITH THE IDEA.
ELAINE
Fifty bucks? You'll give me fifty
bucks?
JERRY
Fifty bucks...that table over there,
the three coupl es.
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^\ i
SEINFELD 12."Chinese Rest aura nt" Shooti ng Script (A)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
Okay. So le t me get th is s t ra ight ,
al l I have to do is go over to that
table and eat one of their egg rolls
in front of them and you' l l give me
fifty bucks?
JERRY
Fif ty buck s .
ELAINE
Because I don' t want to go over there
and do i t and then come back and find
out there was some l i t t le loophole
like I didn' t p ut mustard on i t , or
something.
JERRY
No, no t r icks .
ELAINE
Should I do i t , George?
GEORGE
For fifty bucks I 'll put my face in
their soup and blow.
ELAINE
Alr igh t . . . a l r igh t . Here , he ld this .
SHE STEELS HERSELF AS SHE PREPARES TO DEFY A SOCIAL LAW,MILLIONS OF YEARS OLD - PRIVATE OWNERSHIP OF FOOD. SHEAPPROACHES THE TABLE . THERE ARE THREE ELDERLY COUPLES. SHETALKS LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST TRYING NOT TO MOVE HER LIPS.
/&W&*>.
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SEINFELD 13."Chinese Res tau ran t" Shooti ng Script (A)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE (CONT'D)
I know this sounds crazy, but the two
men who are standing by the door are
giving me fif ty dollars if I s tand
here and ea t your egg ro l l . I'll
give you twenty-five if you let me do
it.
ELDERLY COUPLES
(RANDOMLY AND OVER LAPPI NG) What?
What are you ta lk ing about? Egg
roll? What is i t? Wh o is she? What
did she say?
ELAINE TOTALLY CAVES IN, DOES AN ABOUT FACE AND SLINKS BACK,JERRY AND GEORGE ARE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING.
JERRY
Wel l , what happened?
ELAINE(ALSO HYSTERI CAL) Did you see that?
GEORGE
What were you te l l ing them?
ELAINE
I offered them twenty -five if they
would . . . (BREAKS UP LAUGHING) They
had no idea . . . (BREAKS UP AGAIN)NOW THE MAN GETS OFF THE PHONE.
JERRY
George , the phone 's f ree .
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SEINFELD 14,"Chinese Res tau ran t" Shoot ing Scri pt (A)
^ Dec 11 1990
GEORGE
Hallelujah.
JERRY NOTICES GEORGE RUBBING LEG AS HE PICKS UP RECEIVER.
JERRY
What's the matter with your leg?
GEORGE PUTS RECEIVER BACK, TURNS TO JERRY.
GEORGE
I think I pulled my hamstring when I
stayed in that hotel in Bosto n. You
know how they tuck in the bed corners
in hote ls? I can't sleep all tucked
in like that . I feel like a mental
patie nt. So I was trying to kick the
covers out. But I couldn't get them
out. I don't know what they did down
there, I'm kicking and kicking, I
couldn't get it out. It was like a
camp joke. And then all of a sudden,
snap, pulled it.
GEORGE TURNS, BUT A WOMAN BEATS HIM TO THE PHONE BY THETHINNEST OF MARGINS.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Excuse me, I 've been waiting here.
WOMAN
Where ? I didn't see you.
GEORGE
I've been standing here for ten
minutes .
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SEINFELD 15."Chinese Restaurant" Shoo ting Scrip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
WOMAN
Wel l , I won't be long.
GEORGE
That ' s not the point . The point is I
was here ahead of you.
SHE PUTS HER QUARTE R IN AND IGNORES HIM COMPLETE LY. SHESTARTS TO DIAL.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
You know, we're l iving in a society!
We're supposed to act in a civil ized
w a y. . .
GEORGE RETURNS TO JERRY AND ELAINE.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Does she care? . .No. Does anyone ever
care about the needs of another
pe r son? . . .No . Does anyone eve r
display the sl ightest sensit ivity
towards the problems of a fel low
individual? No , no, a resounding no!
RIGHT ON CUE, HE'S STOP PED 3Y THE FIRST PHONE GUY WHO'S ONHIS WAY OUT.
PHONE GUY
Hey, sorry I took so long.
GEORGE(COMPLETE ABO UT FACE) Oh, that 's
okay.
PHONE GUY LEAV ES.
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G$?\
SEINFELD 16."Chinese Rest aura nt" Shoot ing Scrip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
How do people fast? Did Gandhi get
this crazy? I 'm gonna walk around
and see what dishes look good.
SHE LEAVES.
JERRY
I told my uncle I had a stomach ache
tonight . You th ink he bought tha t?
GEORGE
Stomach ache...that's what I told
Tat iana las t week . Boy was tha t
embarrass ing .
JERRY
What happened?
GEORGE
It was a tragic coll is ion of basic
human needs . I shouldn ' t even te l l
you.
J E R RY
Come on.
GECRGE
Well , you know, we 've been dat ing
awhile. Things have been going
pretty wel l .
(MORE)
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SEINFELD , 7"Chinese Res ta uran t" Shoot ing Scr ip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
GEORGE (CONT'D)
So af ter d inner las t week she invi tes
me back to he r apa r tment . . .
JERRY
I'm with ya.
GEORGE
She had th is l i t t le p lace wi th th is
l i t t le bathroom...it's l ike r ight
there . I t ' s not even down a l i t t le
ha l l , or in an a lcove , you
unders tand? There ' s no...buffer
zone. So we s tar t to fool a round.
This is our f irst t ime and i t 's early
in the going and I begin to perce ive
th is impending in tes t ina l
requi rement , whose needs are going to
surpass by grea t lengths anything in
the sexual rea lm. So I knew I had to
s top .
(MORE)
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^v
SEINFELD 18."Chinese Resta urant " Shooting Script (A)
Dec 11 1990
GEORGE (CONT'D)
But as i t 's happe ning I'm thinking
even if I can somehow manage to
extricate myself from the proceedings
momentar i ly and re l ieve th is
unstoppable force , I know that
bathroom is not going to provide me
with the privacy I know I 'm going to
need to resolve what is sure to be
not a single episode but more of a
min i - se r i e s , as it were . So there I
am, faced with the ques tion: To go
or not to go.
JERRY
This could only happen to you.
GEORGE
So finally I actually had to stop
what would normally be the cl imactic
event of the evening - and say -
"Tat iana , I hope you don ' t ta ke th is
the wrong way, but perhaps i t would
be bes t i f I le f t . "
JERRY
You told her this...after?
GEORGE
(SHAKES HIS HEAD) No. . . dur ing.
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SEINFELD 19."Chinese Restauran t" Shooting Script (A)
Dec 11 1990
JERRY
Oh boy.
GEORGE
Yah.
JERRY
Wow, so?
GEORGE
(GEORGE TAKES A DEEP BREATH) So as
I 'm dressing, she 's staring at me
struggling to compute this
unprecedented turn of events . I
don ' t know what to say to reassure
this woman and worst of al l , I don' t
even have the t ime to say i t . The
only possible excuse she might have
accepted would be if I told her that
I am in reality Batman, and I'm very
sorry, but I just saw the Batsignal.
I t took me three days of phone calls
to get her to agree to see me again.
And now she's wait ing for me to call .
(RE: WOMAN ON PHONE) And she's st i l l
talking.
ELAINE RETURNS.
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SEINFELD 20."Chinese Resta uran t" Shoot ing Scrip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
I hate this pl ac e. I'm never coming
back here agai n . I don ' t know why we
came here .
J E R RY
Who is tha t woman?
ELAINE
(WISTFULLY) Rem em ber when you first
went out to eat with your parents?
I t was th is s pecia l t rea t , you go and
they serve you this different food
that you never saw before and they
put i t in f ront of yo u and i t was al l
so de l ic ious and specia l . And now, I
wish I was just a big sweaty hog with
my snout buried in a gia nt aluminum
trough.
G E O R G E
(TO JERR Y) Th at woman just looked
over here .
J E R RY
Should I wave? What if I don' t know
her? What if i t ' s just some actress
on T.V.? Then I look l ike a huge
idiot .
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SEINFELD 21."Chinese Rest auran t" Shoot ing Scri pt (A)
Dec 11 1990
GEORGE
When we walk by, just give her a long
look.
ELAINE
Just long enough for her boyfriend to
give you a punch in the mouth.
GEORGE
(RE: WOMAN ON PHONE) Oh she's off .
GEORGE MOVES TO THE PHONE.
ELAINE
Jerry, ta lk to the guy again .
JERRY
What am I going to say?
ELAINE
We'l l tel l him we have to catch a
movie , tha t we ' re la te .
MR. COHEN - A FORTYISH, GARRU LOUS , EXPANSIVE COUNTRY CLU3TYPE APPROACHES THE PODIUM.
MR. COHEN
Hey, what s t inks in here?
BRUCE
(BRIGHTENING) Ah, Mr. Cohen!
Haven ' t seen you couple weeks .
MR. COHEN'I 've been looking for a bett er place.
HOST HOWLS AT THIS REMARK.
BRUCE
Where ' s your wife?
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SEINFELD 22."Chinese Res taur ant" Shooting Script (A)
Dec 11 1990
MR. COHEN
Why? You gonna take her off my
hands?
BRUCE
Oh no, Mr. Cohen, she too beaut i fu l ,
you no g ive her away. You want
table?
MR. COHEN
No, just bring me a plat e and I 'l l
ea t here .
ELAINE
C'mon now. What i s tha t? That guy
jus t walked r ight in .
JERRY
Maybe he ' s a par t owner.
ELAINE
This isn ' t fair!
JERRY AND ELAINE APPROACH BRUCE AGAIN.
JERRY
(TO OWNER) Excuse me , we 've been
wait ing her e and I know we were ahead
of that guy, he just came in.
Oh no, Mr. Cohen he a lways here .
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Jlf \̂_
SEINFELD 23."Chinese Res t auran t" Shoot in g Scr ip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
He's a lways here ? (TO JERRY) What
does tha t mea n? (TO HOST) What does
that mean?
BRUCE
Oh Mr. Cohen , he ve ry n i ce man . He
l ive on Park Avenue.
BRUCE WALKS AWAY.
ELAINE
Wher e am I? Is th is a dream? What
in God 's name is going on here?
GEORGE RETURNS STRICKEN.
GEORGE
She ' s no t t he r e . She l e f t . She mus t
have wai ted and left...because those
peop le wou ldn ' t ge t o ff the phone .
JERRY
Did you leave a message?
GEORGE
Yeah , I told her to call me here and
to te l l whoever answers to ask for a
ba ld in g, stoc ky r..an with gl as se s.
I 'd better tel l them I 'm expecting a
ca l l .
ELAINE
Jer ry , he re comes tha t woman .
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SEINFELD 24."Chinese Res taurant " Shooting Script (A)
Dec 11 1990
J E R RY
Where do I know her?
GEORGE LEAVES. THE WOMAN (LORRAINE) APPROACHES AND LOOKSAT JERRY WITH A GLIMMER OF RECOGNITI ON. SHE'S ATTRACTIVE,40ISH WOMAN.
LORRAINE
Hi , Jer ry.
J E R RY
(HAS NO IDEA WH O SHE IS) Hey! How
you doing?
LORRAINE
How is everyth ing?
J E R RY
Good. Good. Good . What ' s going
on? . .
LORRAINE
Working hard . And you?
J E R RY
(FLOUNDERING) You know, same stuff ,
working around, doing, whatever. . .
LORRAINE
You haven ' t been around in a whi l e .
J E R RY
I kno w. I kncv;. Well , you know.
LORRAINE
You should come by.
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SEINFELD 25.'Chinese Restaurant" Shoot ing Scr ip t (A)
Dec 11 1990»<
v^SPv
J E R RY
Definitely, I plan to . I'm not just
saying that .
ELAINE WHO HAS BEEN WITHIN EARSHO T APPROACH ES. JERRYMANEUVERS HIMSELF TO BLOCK HER FROM LORRAINE TO AVOID MAKINGAN INTRODUCTION HE CANNOT MA KE . ELAINE CIRCUMNAVIGATES THEBARRIER AND STICKS HER HAND OUT.
ELAINE
Hi , I 'm Elaine.
LORRAINE
Lorra ine Cata lano.
J E R RY
Oh , I'm sorry. Lorrai ne this is
Elaine.
THEY AD-LIB HELLOS, THEN:
LORRAINE
Wel l , i t was nic e seei ng you
Jer ry. (TO ELAINE ) Nice meet ing
you.
ELAINE
Nice meet ing you, Lorra ine .
SHE EXITS.
SUDDENLY, JERRY REMEMBERS:
JZRRY
Oh my God, Lorr a ine ! That ' s Lorra ine
from my uncle 's office...I am in big,
big trouble.
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SEINFELD 26."Chinese Rest aura nt" Shooting Scr ip t (A)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
The one you broke the plans with
tonight?
JERRY
Yeah. She works in h is off i ce . Now
she's going to see him tomorrow and
tell him she saw me her e. He' s going
to te l l h is wife . His wife ' s going
to ca l l my mother . Oh th is i s bad .
You don' t know the chain reaction of
calls this is going to se t off . New
York, Long Island, Florida...it's
l ike the Bermuda Tr iangle ,
^ unfor tunate ly nobody disappears .
First my uncle to my aunt, my aunt to
ny mother, my mother to my uncl e , my
unc le to . . .
FADE CL"
END OF ACT ONE
^JZWfcSy
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£EINFELD"Chinese Resta urant " Shoo ting Scrip t (3)
Dec 11 1990
ACT TWO
SCENE B
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - NIGHT
JERRY...my cousin , my cousin to my s is ter,
then ray s is ter to m e.
ELAINE
/ c^ You just should've had d inner wi th
your uncle tonight and got i t over
with . I t ' s only a movie .
JERRYYou don ' t unders tand, th is i sn ' t
p lans one through e ight f rom outer
space . This i s p lan n ine . This is
the one tha t worked . The wors t movie
ever made.
ELAINE
I'm looking fcrwarc : J i t .JERRY
(LOOKING AT HI S WATCH) And, I got
news for you. I f we ' re making t h i s ,
Z*"̂ we have to get a -able immedia te ly.
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SEINFELD 28."Chinese Resta urant " Shoo tin g Script (B)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
Look, let 's s top fooling around here.
I th ink we should jus t s l ip h im some
money.
J E R RY
In a Chinese res taurant? Do they
take money?
E L A I N E
(MOCKING) Do they take money?
Everyone takes money. I used to go
out wi th a guy wh o did i t a l l the
t ime. You give h im twenty bucks .
G E O R G E
Twenty bucks? Isn ' t tha t excess ive?
ELAINE
What do you want to g ive h im, change?
G E O R G E
Tha t ' s more than the mea l .
J E R RY
Oh, wil l you come on, we ' l l d iv ide i t
three ways .
G E O R G E
(POINTING TO THE M) Okay, seven,
seven and six . (OFF THEIR LOOK) I'm
not going to ea t tha t much.
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S E I N F E L D 2 9" C h i n e s e R e s t a u r a n t " S h o o t i n g S c r i p t (3
Dec 1 1 1 9 9 0o&iV
JERRY
I'm counting your shrimp... Okay
who's gonna do it?
GEORGE
Well, I can't do it. I'm really not
good at that kind of thing. I get
all flustered. I'll choke.
ELAINE
I guess it's y ou, Jer.
JERRY
Me? What about you?
ELAINE
I can't do tha t. . . It's a guy thing.
JERRY
The women's movement just can't seem
to make any progress in the world of
bribery, can they?
ELAINE
...Give me th e money.
JERRY TAKES OUT A TWENTY.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
What do I do?
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SEINFELD 30." C h i n e s e R e s t a u r a n t " S h o o t i n g S c r i p t (B)
D e c 11 1 9 9 0
J E R RY
Just hold i t up l ike this - so he can
see the number and say, "If there 's
anything you can do to ge t us a
tab le , we'd rea l ly apprecia te i t . "
ELAINE
Get ready to order.
ELAINE COUGHS, WETS HER LIPS - APPROACHES THE HOST. SHECLENCHES THE MONEY IN HER FIST, AND STANDS IN FRONT OF HIMFOR A MOMENT NODDING U NCOMFORT ABLY.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
How's i t going?
BRUCE
Oh very busy.
A BEAT, THEN:
ELAINE
Boy we are really anxious to si t
down.
BRUCE
Good specia ls tonight .
NOW SHE REVEALS THE MONEY.
ELAINE
If there 's anything you can do to get
us a table , I'd really appreciate
it . . .
BRUCE
(OBLIVIOUS) You r name?
ySEFN
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^3*\
SEINFELD 31."Chinese Res tau ran t" Shootin g Script (B)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
(MORE URGE NTLY) I want to eat now!
BRUCE
Whole Sea Bass tonight , very good.
ELAINE
(ALMOST SCREAMING) Here , take th is .
I'm star ving! Take i t .
BRUCE SEEMS PUZZLED FOR A MOMENT , THEN TAKES THE MONEY JUSTAS THE DENNISONS APPROACH HIS PODIUM.
BRUCE
(CALLING OUT) Dennis on, four.
ELAINE
I want tha t tab l e! Here , take i t .
BRUCE
Your table i s ready.
HE LEAVES FOLLOWED BY THE DENNISONS. ELAINE LOOKS AT THEDENNISONS, THEN LOOKS AT HER HAND IN DISBELIEF. DEFEATED,SHE HEADS BACK.. .
ELAINE
Did you see that ? He just took the
money ! He didn ' t g ive us the table!
JERRY
You los t the twenty?
ELAINE
How could he do tha t?
GEORGE
You didn ' t make i t c lear.
ELAINE
Make i t c l ea r? !
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SEINFELD 3 2 ." C h i n e s e R e s t a u r a n t " S h o o t i n g S c r i p t (B)
D e c 11 1 9 9 0
JERRY
What a sorry exhibition that was .
Alright, let me get the money back.
JERRY GOES TO HOST'S S TATION.
JERRY
Excuse m e, I realize this is
extremely embarrassing, but my friend
here apparently made a mistake and
inadvertently gave you a twenty
dollar bill. It was really just a
misunderstanding. So, if you
wouldn't mind.. .
BRUCE
Your name?
JERRY
Seinfeld.
BRUCE
(CHECKING HIS LIST) Seinfeld, oh
Seinfeld, four.
JERRY
No, no , see the girl over there with
the long hair. Do you remember?
BRUCE
(ACKNOWLEDGING ELAINE) Oh, yeah ,
beautiful girl, beautiful girl. Is
that your girlfriend?
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SEINFELD 33."Chinese Res taurant" Shoot in g Scr ip t (3)
Dec 11 1990
JERRY
Well , actually we did date for a
while but that 's real ly not relevant
here .
BRUCE
Oh, re la t ionship very d i ff icul t .
Hard to s tay together.
JERRY
Alr ight l i s ten , how much longer i s
this going to be?
BRUCE
Your name?
JERRY
Seinfe ld .
BRUCE
(LOOKING AT LIS T) Seinfel d,
Se in fe ld . Oh , f ive , t en minu tes .
JERRY HEADS BACK TO GEORGE AND ELAINE.
GEORGE
So?
JERRY
You ewe r.e six bu ck s.
GEORGE
Six bucks? Yeah , s ix bucks if you
got the table .
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SEINFELD 34."Chinese Resta urant " Shooting Scri pt (3)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
So when are we going to eat?
JERRY
Five, ten minutes .
GEORGE
(TO JERRY ACCUSINGL Y) We should've
left earlier. I told y o u !
JERRY
Well I don' t see any way we can eat
and s t i l l make th is movi e .
ELAINE
I have to eat!
JERRY
Maybe we should just order to go and
eat it in the cab.
ELAINE
Eat in the cab? Chine se food in the
cab?
JERRY
Well then let 's eat i t in the movie.
ELAINE
Where do you th ink you ' re going? You
think they have big picnic tables
there?
JERRY
So what do you suggest?
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S P v
S$G?*K
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SEINFELD 35."Chinese Rest aura nt" Shoot ing Scri pt (B)
Dec 11 1990
ELAINE
I say we leave now, go to Je tburger
and scarf 'em dow n. . .
JERRY
I'm not going to Je tbu rger. Bes ide s ,
i t ' s in the opposi te d i rec t ion .
Let ' s jus t ea t popcorn or something.
BRUCE
(CALLING OUT) Car twr i ght .
ELAINE
(A BEAT, THEN PICKING RIGHT UP) I
can ' t have popcorn fo r d inne r. I
have to ea t !
BRUCE
Cartwright .
JERRY
They have hot dogs the re .
ELAINE
Oh movie hot dogs . I 'd rather l ick
the food off the f loor.
J E R RY
You wanted to go to Je tburger.
ELAINE
Tha t ' s d i f f e ren t . I l ove Je tbu rge r !
GEORGE
I can ' t go anyway . I have to wai t
for Tatiana's ca l l . Let me check.
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SEINFELD 36 ." C h i n e s e R e s t a u r a n t " S h o o t i n g S c r i p t (B)
D e c 11 1 9 9 0
GEORGE APPROACHES THE PODIUM.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Excuse me, I'm expecting acall...Costanza.
BRUCE
Oh yes. Somebody just called. I
call out Cartwright, Cartwright.
Just like that. Nobody came up, I
hang up .
GEORGEWas it for Costanza or. . .
BRUCE
Yeah, yeah, that's it! Nobody
answer.
GEORGE
Was it a woman?
BRUCEYes, yes , she say curse word, I hang
up.
THE SLOWEST OF BURNS. HE WALKS BACK TO JERRY AND ELAINE.
GEORGE
(ALMOST INAUDIBLE) She called...he
yelled "Cartwright"... I missed it.
JERRYWho's Cartwright?
GEORGE
I'm Cartwright.. .
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SEINFELD 37."Chinese Res tauran t" Shoot ing Scr ip t (B)
Dec 11 1990
J E R RY
You' re not Car twr ight .
G E O R G E
(EXPLODING) Of cour se I'm not
Car twr igh t . . . Look why don 't you two
jus t go . I'm rea l ly not in the mood.
ELAINE
Me ei ther, I 'm going to Je tburger.
J E R RY
So you ' re not going?
ELAINE
You don 't need us .
J E R RY
You can ' t see a bad movie by
yourse l f . Wha t am I , supposed to
make sarcas t ic remarks to
s t rangers? . . . I guess I 'l l jus t go
ove r to my unc le ' s .
G E O R G E
Should we te l l h im we ' re leaving?
ELAINE
What for? Let ' s jus t ge t the he l l
ou t o f he re .
THEY LEAVE. THEN:
BRUCE
Seinfe ld , four.
FADE OUT:
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SEINFELD 3 8
"Chinese Restaura nt" Shoot ing Scr ip t (B)Dec 11 1990
END OF ACT TWO
END OF SHOW
*v